Safe Space

 At this stage, I am sure nobody reads this anymore. 

38th revolution around the sun has been crazy. My 39th? Let's just say the 39th revolution onwards is going different than the 1st 38. 

End of an Era

Last week, I experienced one of the worst days of my life that I'll ever care to admit. 

Never thought that such a day would come, but I guess that's how time works. Its one tricky little bitch as it passes by without one ever realizing that so much of it has already passed. 

As ironic as it sounds, death is one key milestone in anybody's life. As much  as we want to spend our time with our loved ones while they are still around, we also have to balance it with spending time on what we love to do. 

Often, by doing so, our body takes a toll and we end up shortening our time spent on earth. We end up hastening spending time on our loved ones and our body takes a further toll. Sure we can use that time to spend doing "healthy activities". But, how often does one carry out a meaningful conversation while being out of breath? 

A session with the JC rugby boys was rather refreshing. We all agreed that we are at the point in our lives that time is constantly fleeting. We also agreed that the time set aside for the ones means dearly to us was only set aside because we knew it was worth it. 

So, how do we know it's worth it? 

Long, Long TIme

Me saying "it's been awhile since I've wrote" seems to becoming a theme for this blog. Alas, it has indeed been awhile.

A lot has changed since I last wrote. Fatherhood has simply been spectacular! I've experienced the joys of having my own mini-me whom adores his mummy a lot. I hope he continues to do that forever.

I think I am doing an ok job as a dad. Others might think otherwise. Well, what can I say?

As this post has no coherence and meaning, maybe I should just stop here.

The Crave

   While doing my work in the office, on a Sunday nonetheless, I've been blasting of songs from the past. It breathes an air of nostalgia as my mind races through my childhood, through my teenage years and into my young adulthood. 

    The concept of adulthood is still bewildering despite having gone through about a decade of it. I still shy away from responsibilities from time to time knowing that my decisions could have an impact on the lives of others. Being a teenager was so much simpler and it does bring back some really fond memories. 

    If I could talk to my 13 year old self, I would certainly tell him that things are what they are and not to wish for them to be otherwise. Growing up, I never got the things that I wanted. I was always envious of my friends for having the latest gaming consoles, latest games, allowances enough to take girls out on dates - things that I constantly craved for growing up. I guess, that is one of the reasons why I was so shy with girls. I grew up thinking that if I talked to girls, I would end up having to take them  out on dates. Well, that warped logic of mine wasn't that far fetched. As soon as I started talking to girls, they soon took a liking for me. When that happened, I got worried because I didn't have any extra money to spend on/with them. That might sound a tad chauvinistic of me but that's what I've been taught - if you asked somebody out, you better be a good host. And being a good host meant that they shouldn't have to burden themselves. In this instance, that would have meant that they shouldn't have to spend any money. 

   So, I wished to grow up quicker so that I would have the financial freedom to attain what I couldn't from my daily allowance. Besides, it was not fair to my parents to give me more money just so that I could take one step closer towards impregnating somebody's daughter. Okay, I exaggerate. 

   Well, I remember that feeling of regret, the feel like I need to savor all that is left of secondary school when I was halfway through secondary 4. That same old feeling reemerged in JC1 when I realized not many actually breeze through JC and end up straight into the work force after 2, maybe 3, years of unhappy JC life. So I decided that I will really squeeze every ounce of experience that I can get in JC. I really caught up in the dating sphere after gaining some financial freedom from having to work before entering JC and even during the June and December holidays. 

   Looking back, I'd say the 4 years as an adolescent teenager were the best years of my life. Despite lacking any financial freedom, I was allowed to be a kid. A smelly one at that from all the soccer and  running around I did. Thankfully, I did not stench up any bus as I only had to walk home after school. 

   I guess these pangs of nostalgia were only made explicit with the death of a friend. Without it, I would have seen life as it is - always having the chance to revert to a time of innocence whenever I hang out with them. But age has indeed caught up and people get married. Those who are married have or going to have kids. Slowly but surely, we all drift apart into our own lives. Sad as it is, I guess this is the reality of adulthood. Each having to ensure their own, as well as their kids, survival. 

   If only we could turn back time and have run really slowly this time around. 

When we were young

Can't believe that on this day, 10 years ago, I was enlisted. That day, I did not spend the night worrying about the outcome of operations at work. That night, after calling my mom and wished her goodnight, I turned in for the day. I couldn't sleep of course- being in a new environment and all. Till this day, I still find it difficult to sleep whenever I'm in a new environment. I can't figure out why.

I was finally in! After years of waiting, I was finally in! I thank the heavens that I did not get sent to other services like some of my friends that I know. Somehow, I was quite excited and nervous about how the next couple of years would pan out for me.

I had my ups and downs of course, just like everybody else. I dare say that I got the complete experience of those ups and downs. The  lowest point of my life was reached only a year later. But in that cell, I promised myself that it can only get better. It had to be. I had to make it be so. Indeed it was.

I am thankful for the experience I had over the course of 1 year and 10 months as well as the friends I had made. It was 1 year, 10 months and 3 days later that I found myself lost again and without a purpose. I suppose that I had made the right decision to not sign the paper. Every time I go back for reservist, I am more and more convinced that I had indeed made the right decision.

If it wasn't for experience I had, I don't think I am the person I am today. For what it's worth, I am glad that it had all happened. If I could go back and redo everything again, my wish would be that I had treated everyone a bit better. Only God knows that those that have departed, are in a better place now.

The Decade

   It's been 10 years since I set up this writing space of mine. 10 years...gone past just like that. All the time that's gone, traded for the many experience that I stood to gain. Not all were good. Some were sweet, others not so sweet. But as I think back about all the time that has passed, those experiences were nothing less than bittersweet.

   What has changed over the last 10 years? If we count it from the last post, well, I am finally about get married. It isn't without its trials and tribulations, as with many things in life. Although I don't show much excitement towards it, its probably because it is beginning to turn into a stressful affair. Wish it was just between her and me. Alas, it is not to be.

   There are some days that I do ask God what it is that He has planned out for me. So far, I've got nothing but silence. Perhaps, that is God's way of telling me that He is all-wise and all-knowing while I am not. Perhaps that is His way of telling me that I need him in my life more than anything else. So, me, being just a Man, I can only continue to pray that whatever the outcome that God has for me in life, it is for my best.

  My working life has been nothing more than it is - a job that I go to everyday. The pay is alright, it pays the bills. But I really do not have the passion for what I am doing. The fact that I am writing this note over lunch shows how interested I am in getting things done.

  Job hunting hasn't been very fruitful either. If I am going to switch jobs for a lower pay, it better be something that is worth it. With the house coming, and public housing priced at half a million SGD, I believe that at least one of us have to be earning quite a bit to be paying for it. The other can just earn comfortable enough to get by. Woe this life is. Sigh.

  But it's okay. I guess, for the money, I could just stay on. Career progression in this company is there, although, it is rather limited.

  This is beginning to get rather depressing. Something that is supposed to be quite a nostalgic affair is turning out to be a moment of truth for me. 10 years have gone by I feel that those 10 years were quite rather wasted.

  Truthfully, I feel that I was a much better person 10 years ago. I was very idealistic and running with full of passion in whatever I was doing. But times have changed, and I have grown up. I have entered the growing old phase.

  I wonder how life will turn out for me in the next 10 years. Maybe it'll be for the better. Hopefully it wouldn't be for the worse. Only God knows what will happen to me over the next decade. Late 20s coming to an end. Pray to God I'll have nothing but bitter sweet memories 10 years later.

  Happy 10 years anniversary Blabberbutt!

Purple Lights in the Valley...

Hi all! 

It has been awhile since I wrote anything- especially on this space. As a scroll through all the posts that I have written, I reminisce of all the times that I have had ever since I started this space - both the good and the bad. Come to think of it, if those events did not happen, I would not be where I am today. 

Yesterday, I ended by 5th In- Camp Training. I can still remember the day when I enlisted in 2006. I was accompanied by my 2 cousins into Pulau Tekong. My dad and my younger brother left the entourage at White Sands Shopping Centre as he had to work the afternoon shift. Apparently, I got the attention of some of the instructors as both my cousins were still single back then. One is happily married with a kid while the other is still looking for answers in her life. Unfortunately, we have become estranged with the one that is married for supernatural (and ridiculous) reasons. 

I cringe as I go through the posts that I have written - for the bad English ( I don't think I have improved much since then) as well as for realizing how stupid one could be when they were young. This space was started when I was still an 18 year old. I had just completed my GCE 'A' Levels and was waiting for enlistment. Everyday, I thank the heavens that I was enlisted to become a soldier instead of an underpaid police officer or firefighter. 

I was thankful that my elder brother help me get a part-time job at Delifrance in the December of 2005. He helped me got the part but I knew that the rest was up to me. So I worked hard and was ready to cover for any shift that saw a sudden drop of manpower. I remember several occasions where I worked double shifts - starting at 7 in the morning and ending only at 10pm. However, I was contented as I had something to fill up my day while awaiting for the 8th of April 2006.

That day came soon enough. After a good 2 weeks of rest, I was finally getting to do something which I had looked forward to all my life. That day, I was hopeful that I'd get to do it for the rest of my life too! Unfortunately, it was not meant to be. But I had no regrets with any of those things which I did, save for one incident that is. I got to make really good friends, I got to travel a lot, and the best part of it all, I got to play solider. 

1 year and 10 months passed by too quickly. On the 7th of February 2008, I found myself outside the bus stop in front of Lim Chu Kang Camp 2 asking my friend, "So what's next?". Once again, I found myself being in such an aimless state. This was despite having a place in NTU to study sociology. That would be where I'd meet Huishan and got her to fall in love with me. I was already in love with her the first time I saw her. 

Again, the 4 years I spent there passed by too quickly. I was simply having the time of my life. I knew that it would the last 4 years of my life that I'd get to be a student so I maximize every single second of it, savoring every single last moments that I get to experience in school. The 2 break-ups that happened did affect my mood to study but by the time I got my head unstuck, it was already the final year. Her presence did help in some ways. But it only sealed the deal on the final semester in school. With that in place, I dared to move ahead, full of hope! 

Eventually, I landed a job in a Singapore Inc. company in the capacity of an operations executive. I soon got promoted and now am one of the managers that ensures that the company continues to contribute to 20% of the country's GDP. Work is tough and there are several days that I simply dread going to work. But it is something that I, as a responsible adult, have to do. 

"When you were young, what was it that you wanted to be?"

For the National Day Observance Ceremony in 1998 that we had in school, I volunteered to represent my class for a costume competition. We were to dress up as any one of the services that ensured the total defence of Singapore. My class chose to be a soldier and I was chosen to be the model. As a child, I knew that I wanted to be a soldier. Why? Because I think it is the most noblest profession in the world. It is truly an honor to be a protector of the country's many citizens as well as residents. So as a child, I was truly eager for the 8th of April 2006 to arrive. 

Not many have had the privilege to serve the country in the same capacity that I had. It was truly an honor to serve the country the way I did. Every Sunday, I'd be looking forward to book-in into camp. Strangely enough, I was one of those few that did not want Friday to come too fast although that meant that my suffering would only be prolonged. It seemed as though that time stood still each time we went out for a route march. My shoulders would initially hurt from the load that we carry but it would soon numb out. 

Then, there were the fire trenches that we had to dig! Never in my life had I participated in such back-breaking work! In total, I have dug 5 fire trenches in my life. It takes at least 6 hours to dig one and another 2 hours for us to ensure that it is properly concealed. There are many in uniform that have never seen one much less have to dig one in their entire time in service. I suppose, I was not so lucky then. 

Then, there were the countries that we went to: Star Light, Lancer, High Noon, Lightning Strike. I truly enjoyed each and every one of them. But then, 7th of February came all to fast and I was forced to move on with my life after being too unsuccessful in trying to sign on with the army. However, every time I go back for my reservist, I thank God that I do not end up being one of those mindless Regulars that we have. There are plenty of them in the service. But with  any organization, there are really good ones too. 

"Going back for holiday camp? So shiok"

I always get this comment whenever I tell someone that I am going back for reservist. It is really hurtful and certainly untrue. Most of us, especially those appointment holders, actually have a lot of things to do. Sometimes, I do envy enlistees. All they do is really sleeping in the bunk and just waiting for the next order to move out. Perhaps, that's why most people think that we go back for a holiday. 

As age catches up to us, the things that we are supposed to do gets tougher and tougher. I was actually surprised that I was sore after a mission- all from carrying the same amount of load which I was all too familiar with since 8 years ago. But this time around, I got to relive what I was really good at 8 years ago- firefight. Due to a huge screw-up, a company of 72 got reduced to 15 while on the way to the objective. Once we got reduced to such a lean force, I decided to take charge and influence how the 2 remaining officers continued with the mission. 

So we arrived at the objective, almost missing the timing. And we fought, valiantly! We tried to take on a force of 30. Well, thankfully, it was through lasers. If it was the real thing, we all would not be returning to our loved ones. 

"Why do you do this? What does National Service mean to you?"

My division commander cleared his schedule to talk to some of us. He asked us what National Service meant to us and why are we doing this for? For me, the answer has always been the same- I do so that others don't. That does sound so altruistic that it seems ridiculous. But it is the truth. I would not want my dad, my mom or even Huishan to be picking up a rifle to chase away any invaders who dare to try. 

An instructor once told me that the very reason why nobody has dared to attack our country was because we were constantly training. If we had stopped our training, we would be finished. Looking at countries that had downsized their defence capabilities because of political reasons (just so that they can get elected for the following term really), I hold his word true. Most of those countries are in shambles due to either external or internal factors. If our country did not have people like me around, other countries would not hesitate to take advantage of us. 

This is actually empirically proven a few years ago when our neighbors from the north had threatened to cut off our water supplies. They were told that this would be seen as an act of aggression and we would not hesitated to deploy our forces to ensure our survival. That threat immediately died down and the guy who made that threat retired. 

"What's next?"

I do feel a tinge of sadness that the 5th ICT is already over. I'd have to wait another year before I get to meet the guys again. Every year, I'd have to force myself to reintegrate with the normal society - wake up early to go to work and get home as early as I can. 

As for now, I try to live my life the best I can and find things to look forward to. For now, I shall work towards a wedding. 

“I slept and I dreamed that life is all joy. I woke and I saw that life is all service. I served and I saw that service is joy.” 
― Kahlil Gibran