On Leaders and Leadership

What is a leader? According to one of the few definitions that I have, a leader is a person who gives the people a purpose. I agree that definition to a great purpose. But then, more questions pops up- Why cant the people give themselves a purpose? What are these purposes for? What purpose? What for? Questions snowball themselves for that particular statement. Questions that I ask myself and others around me often.

To me, leadership simply means the ability to lead. Or rather, combined with that particular statement, the ability or skill to provide the people with a purpose. For the sake of this topic, I shall define purpose as a direction for all to follow. So all in all, the leader shows everyone else the way to go. But does that mean that he(or she) will show how to get there? When we will get there? What to do to get there or what to expect when we get there? Why we get there? My answer to all those question is-yes.

Yes, the leader does all that and more. A leader points in the direction to go, tells the people what to do, shows them how to do it and finally brings them in that direction with 2 simple words that would instil a foreign feeling into everyone. That feeling that burns up inside everyone is called courage. That courage to go, no matter what the circumstances might be are, "follow me!" Those simple words are enough to make anyone follow the leader and achieve the task at hand no matter how dire the situation might be. Circumstances are varied and hence nobody can predict the outcome of their actions. In a moment of folly, it could mean their demise. In a moment of brilliance, it could mean ultimate victory. But this is unpredictable. Only the results of that actions will show. Only then will the people know if it was a moment of folly or a moment of brilliance.

But what gives the leader the right to do this? One of ways to explain this is authority. Authority is power given to the position. Hence, the person in that position has that power. But, what legitimises this? I shall get back to this when I have more time.

A soldier must do everything he can to win the battle and most of the things he cant

Tonight, there is a lone star. I've seen it with my own eyes. What does it mean? Where have the rest of the stars gone to? Did it disappear? Disappear with time? Time...right now that is a very fluid concept. Everyday, I would question myself, I would wonder in my prayers-where did all the time go? Then during moments like now, I question myself: Why am I asking this questions?

I can probably answer the last question and should answer the last question first. Memories flooded me when I saw Taipei 101 on TV this morning. I couldn't help it. I don't even know how the floodgate opened but it did. Yes, I am reminiscing about the times I spent in the army. 2 years, which indeed is a long time to many is just too short for me. It's like Einstein's theory of relativity; when you are spending your time with something good and worth it, time just seems to dissipate away into thin air. It's like dropping an ounce of of powdered (something) into 200ml of hydrochloric acid. It just dissolves in a matter of seconds: so fast that you sometimes fail to observe it notice that it ever happens. Everything seems rather natural.

Life. Is it natural? Time. Is it normal? According to theoretical physicist, we all move through this thing called the space-time continuum. Our insatiable thirst for convenience which means that we want everything to be quick. We want everything to be there and then when we get there. Our thirst for convenience is slowly causing our ultimate demise. Nobody realizes it. Everybody denies of this. This thirst of ours is shortening our journey through that space-time continuum. They call it the String theory and that in order to travel to the future, we are taking short-cuts. Long routes or rather normal routes are a passée now. You will deemed a cavemen(or cavewomen) if you ever did take the normal route. Old-school as they would call it.

I do have more to write...but it just isn't quite the time for that yet. Please, pester me to continue with this. I shall write more afterwards. Good Night

Relationships are all about a power struggle. Each determines who has the upper-hand via means and ways which would and most probably could hurt the other party mentally, emotionally and even physically. It is and will continue to be a prevalent phenomenon in society. It is never ending even after death as people become heroes, heroes becomes legend and legends becomes myth (myth becomes fables).

This phenomenon has resulted in the death of millions over the course of history. It is a battle, in the most literal sense, between two people fought by millions who identified themselves with the ideals of those two.

The question, why do we fight, prevails in my mind ever since I grasped the concept of that word: Fight. All in all, I've been involved in different sports that have defined that word accordingly. It has indeed become my world. So why do we fight? Right now, the term power struggle comes to my mind. Professors have taught me that people continually exist in conflict because of resources. God has indeed given us limited resources. However, in my ideals, he limited them not because he wants us to fight over it but because he wants us to share with each other. However, we fight over in and sometimes, we, human beings, use his name in vain just so that we could have a bigger bone than the other.

Survival. That is what most would say they why would fight. But why do we want to survive? I've read the definition of the word courage and till this day it puzzles me. Courage: being brave enough to die so that you can live. Well, that is one of the definitions that I've got from an anonymous soldier (of whom I presume is already dead). So do we all have courage? Many definitions of this word has penetrated my brain. All of which, I am proud to say that I agree with. Other's have defined it as suppressing one's fear just for moments more.

But where does this fear come from? I'd say that it is their fear of death. After all, it is the unknown and many fear the unknown. I would say otherwise; the unknown isn't to be fear simply because it is the unknown. Nobody knows the unknown and why should we be scared of something we don't know? Is it through the religious books that we've been exposed to since our conception(in my definition, conception comes about after we have come to realize our existence)? Perhaps it is our continual fearing of God that we have to struggle so hard to remain alive. As one genius once said, I will live forever or die trying! He contradicts himself, but that is the truth. And there is nothing stranger than the truth. Reality is indeed stranger than fiction.

So coming back to relationships being a power struggle. Is it our fear of losing? We all occupy that category. Even the homeless do. Even beggars do. Because if they don't why would they be begging in the first place? They need to eat so that they can fill up their stomach and stave off hunger. Hunger kills- literally! Even monks fear. They don't show it, but that doesn't mean that they don't have it. In this sense, they have what I would call courage.

Hence, in our fear of losing that power struggle, we would go out and do whatever we could to prevent ourselves from losing. Death is inevitable. Hence, this put us in a losing situation. Do we really have powers over our lives? I doubt so. I believe that whatever we do, is never because we are doing it for the greater good. Our choices, as I believe, has always been that of choosing between the lesser of two evils. As an optimist(as much as I want to be but can't seem to be), I would want to choose the one that I have never tried before. Life is short, I agree. So....why cant we just be contented with what we have instead of continually pursuing something so elusive and in the process push others down one rung lower. I have yet to come to the conclusion to the question: Why we fight? However, that is because my pursue is not over yet. Perhaps, that question will only come to me on my death bed because death is simply life's way of saying that you have had a good life, its time for someone else to enjoy it. Perhaps, it's God's way of teaching us how to share.

Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome. Unknown

Today's training was AWESOME!!! Need i say more? Hehs...i seriously never though it could run soooooooooooooooooooooooo fast! hahaha. i even burned the ang mohs...well there was only the 2 of them. So, doesnt feel that impressive. But nonetheless, the view during training was simply to die for. Truth be told, i cant wait for the next training. Hopefully...just hopefully the rest of the team comes down...yeah

i feel like writing something. But i just cant seem to know what i want to write about. Well, as you can see now, im writing about not knowing what to write about. I guess people have the same tendencies too sometimes: wanting to say something but not knowing just what to say. All i know that ahead of me, is a mountain of work that needs to be done. I must be getting burnt out that's why im...urm...rather weird lately. Its like nothing that i write would make any significant impact on anyone. Does it? Last 2 entries were just lyrics from songs that has been blasting into my ears these past few days.

I just cant seem to feel contented or fulfilled or just about anything of that sort. I guess im kind of numb to my own feelings. Well, tomorrow shall be the first time in a long time that im training with my club again. I've just been caught up with my work plus the school rugby team up to the point that whatever im doing, isnt what i wanted to do. Its as if all sense of direction is lost now. Kind of like being lost at sea with the compass malfunctioning. I know i've got work to do..but i just cant seem to bring myself to concentrate and complete it. Even if i did my work, i just cant seem to concentrate at the task at hand...

Well, just like i said, tmr, rugby training day at the Padang. The feeling im going to get is pain. Yet. Lots and lots of pain. Well at least i'll feel something. Plus, training at the Padang is a lot better then anywhere else. In fact, its the BEST! With a view to die for...literally...who wouldnt want to train there? At the end of training, i think im just going to lie down right smack in the middle of the Padang and have a smoke first before i proceed to showers and all. Yeah...that sounds like a good plan.

To those who think that whatever im writing here is probably extremely trivial...then i guess you're right. Well, to each his own. Days are getting shorter...time flies by sooooooooooo fast. Wish there was actually a glue or something that might hold time back for abit...if only....

Roll with the punches
Because you know that it’s inevitable
Soon to be unforgettable, yet, totally unpredictable
I’m either calling it quits or you’re calling me out
Its not who or what you know because you’re better with nothing at all.

Sing it back to me; this is your life story
You didn’t even know it you’re trying not to blow it
Because you’re kicking back a death wish and here I am just riding out the storm
Believe me when I say that I want to give up
I want to give up but its bad enough to keep me hooked
just to watch you curse my name and toss and turn

Turn around and cross the line you so casually walk between function and fashion
Are you dressed to kill or dressed to impress?
Don’t act like you can do better than this.

Let me see you put your hands upon the stereo
Its spitting out a ridiculous frequency
But turn it up turn it up
Break a sweat
Cause were just burning up and hitting up the scene that was ours to hit up
Take take me out because I'm ready for your best shot
Make make me out to be a bullet from the pulpit
Or anything that would make you believe
All that we've seen would be just another scene
That was our to hit up

Play it back for me, if you feel you've got to
Do you want to call it intuition
Cause after intermission we’ll be flashing the house lights
To let you know that we’re back in action
Simply for your satisfaction

Turn around and cross the line you so casually walk between function and fashion
Are you dressed to kill or dressed to impress?
Don’t act like you can do better than this

Turn around and cross the line you so casually walk between function and fashion
Are you dressed to kill or dressed to impress?
Don’t act like you can do better than this

Let me see you put your hands upon the stereo
Its spitting out a ridiculous frequency
But turn it up turn it up
Break a sweat
Cause were just burning up and hitting up the scene that was ours to hit up
Take take me out because I'm ready for your best shot
Make make me out to be a bullet from the pulpit
Or anything that would make you believe
All that we've seen would be just another scene
That was our to hit up

Roll with the punches
Because you know that it’s inevitable
Soon to be unforgettable, we're either calling it quits or you’re calling me out
Its not who or what you know because you’re better with nothing at all.

Roll with the punches
(you’re better with nothing at all.)
Roll with the punches

Let me see you put your hands upon the stereo
Its spitting out a ridiculous frequency
But turn it up turn it up
Break a sweat
Cause were just burning up and hitting up the scene that was ours to hit up

Take take me out because I'm ready for your best shot
Make make me out to be a bullet from the pulpit
Or anything that would make you believe
All that we've seen would be just another scene
That was our to hit up

yeah....

never had i ever thought it had turned out this way...but it did. each time i tried to make it work, u wouldnt accept it. i think i just cant make you happy like how you want it to be. i just cant make you happy without even having to try. it takes effort. it takes energy. it takes time. all of which are luxuries that i couldnt afford.

maybe...there is someone who can make you happy without even having to try. i thought i was that person. i've failed...miserably....hate me if you will. im just not worth it anymore.

Everybody has got a theme song before they do anything. Currently, this is THE song that i have to listen to when im about to set off on my bike. Here we go........

Ladies and Gentleman open up your eyes and ears and listen up! Listen up!
Calling all cars! Calling all cars! Calling all cars!
Let’s put an end to the Charade.
Show me what you’re living for.
You think it’s obvious, you’re so obvious.
I spit my teeth out on the floor.
Don’t tell me, I don’t want to know!

I breath revenge tonight. It never tasted to sweet.
And baby, if I choke things down for a second
then maybe I can starve this tragedy.
Don’t tell me, I don’t want to know!

So get your story straight
I can think of one reason for you to call home tonight
If I had my way you would find out the hard way
Causing trouble is my business and the business is good
So now I’m calling all cars! Calling all cars! Calling all cars!
It’s time to show you my battle scars.
And let you know that I’ll be coming back for more

I breath revenge tonight. It never tasted to sweet.
And baby, if I choke things down for a second
then maybe I can starve this tragedy.
Don’t tell me, I don’t want to know! [x2]

I’ll let you know that I’ll be coming back for more
It’s too late for me, Kid
These words are too true
When your heart beats only lies, you’re dead inside

And god forbid when you find yourself off and remembering on
And god forbid when you can’t find the switch in the words
To a song but it’s too late to see me though, Kid

I breath revenge tonight. It never tasted to sweet.
And baby, if I choke things down for a second
then maybe I can starve this tragedy.
Don’t tell me, I don’t want to know! [x2]

Everything around me seems very mellow. I feel rather at ease nowadays. Its hard to get that and even harder to explain that. Hehs. But its like remembering the times you get to play in the rain as a child. No worries, no commitment...you just do what you do-doing all that you can do without a care in the world. I reminisce and long for that feeling. But it's ever fleeting. And the sad part is, whatever we've missed, isn't going to come back again, ever.

I guess i've been sacrificing too much. I think god has made me to be sacrificing...as in my happiness for theirs. Well, not so much of my happiness. But sometimes i feel that god has made me in a way that i get happy when others are happy. At first, i don't get it. But now, i am beginning to see why. It's not that god does not want me to be happy. In fact, i think i am much happier this way. I've always thought of doing something for 2 good reasons: (1) so that others dont have to (2) because i think i am more competent than others to do it.And no, i am not being arrogant or trying to be noble or anything. But guess that is how i was meant to exist in this world.

I guess if that is what i was meant to do, might as well do it with a rifle. Keeping the peace on this wretched world with a little bit of force works. After all, nowhere on this world is peace not founded on the basis of struggle(s). In fact, to create cheese, there is a struggle to coagulate milk so much so that the end product becomes a treat for others.

While memories of happiness fleets away, i look forward to greatness in life. After all, greatness, no matter how brief, lies in the hearts of men for the rest of their lives. I shall not falter

I have a test in 20 mins time and i cant believe that im doing this: writing my thoughts out. Well, only part of my thoughts. I just dont have the mood/motivation/inspiration or whatever it is that im supposed to have for school or this test for that matter. Maybe i have lost abit of zest to mylife? One thing's for sure, the space that i have is good for me now.

Sometimes, i do wish that i was deployed somewhere foreign and godforsaken so that i do not actually mess up the lives of others. People would be happier i think. There will be no disruption to anything. And i would be doing what i do best, helping those who actually need my help. Sure i'd be fighting a war or something like that, but at least, i would know why im doing it, what im doing it for and for whom. There will be no clear sides. The only side that i'd have is the clear conscience that i would so dearly pray for.

To many, this seems the life of a terrible fantasy. Morbid if you would call it. But like i said, i'd be doing what i was meant to do. That is what i feel god wants me to do at least. No...god has not spoken to me. After all, when one is speaking to god, it is called a prayer. But when god is speaking to men, you call the person a lunatic. But signs have showed me that way...it has directed me towards that direction. Till this day, i would rather have that than this. No trouble for anyone...well actually everyone. And even if i do not get to see my parents or my siblings, i reckon i would still be able to send money to them regularly...hoping that they would be able to enjoy a much comfortable lifestyle.

I dont know...my mind is a whirlpool right now. well, maybe a mini one or a lazy one because it is spinning so slowly, that you wouldnt need a pool to begin with. Well, one thing is for sure, i'd still have my rugby. But even that is a feat for me now. I have yet to go to the doctor to see what's really wrong with my collarbone. I pray that it isnt fractured but merely a bruised bone that will heal naturally within the week.

I talk to much. I talk to much about myself. Nobody needs to know about this. That is what i feel at least.....

I have been weighed, i have been measured and i have been found been wanting. That is what i felt about myself after the final game today. I can bet that is what others felt about me after the final game today too. I disappointed my team mates. They didn't have to say it. I could feel it. All the mistakes that the team made, it started from me. And mistakes that i've made are not easily coverable by others because the mistakes are indeed extremely grave.

It was indeed a quicksand out there. One mistake led to another. The more i try to right it, the more mistakes i made. The more i struggle, the faster i'd sink. Then after the final whistle was blown, i found myself drowned...overwhelmed with disappointment that i cannot shake off...still.

Its like reaching for another piece of rock while rock climbing. You know you can reach for that piece, if you only dare to jump and let go all other pieces just so that for the vital piece of rock...the final one before i can reach my goals. But i froze. I hesitated. And i lost all footing. and so i fall...

Im starting my climb all over again. This time around i shall persevere. I know what i told someone as to why i felt extremely dissapointed. But i shall not have that fucked up attitude again. This time, everything is FTW!

I cannot help but feel excited about today(and tomorrow). This is the weekend that i've been looking forward to since June. Been working my butt of for this so i shall not screw up. ZERO ERRORS!

A friend recently told me that in order for me to succeed, i have to visualize all the big hits that im going to be making. After all, nobody remembers who scores the most tries in the game. All that will forever be etched in their minds would be who hits the hardest! Im going to be that guy. Ever since i've met that friend of mine, every game that i play has the same goal: Send at least one guy to the hospital in an ambulance. No remorse! Yeah. It keeps me going. So far, there's been a lot of "almost". This weekend, i shall succeed.

Other than that, of course there are many other things that i have to accomplish. 3 tries at least for the entire tournament. No ball drops. NO MISSED TACKLES! Lastly, TALK ALL THE WHILE THROUGHOUT THE GAME! Yep! I think i've covered them all. Whatever i've missed will surely be covered by beloved team-mates with their awesome vocabulary. I will triumph!

As Sun Tzu said, "in order to triumph, one has to struggle". I've been struggling all my life. Rugby wise, i've been with underdogs throughout. Im at the bottom. The only way to go is up. Today, i'll rise!

As everyone drifts away for a night of fun and games after training, i sit alone contemplating about the work that needs to be done. And i sigh...heavily...

Sighing comes from me not being able to put my best during the training when everyone was down. Perhaps they've limited and underestimated my abilities? Perhaps i am too kanchiong? Perhaps there is just too many things on my mind that is distracting me from the task at hand? Well, i hope to clear all doubts out about myself and others around me from my mind and concentrate on nothing but rugby for this weekend.

Screwing up is the last thing anyone wants to be doing this weekend. Currently, i am extremely inconsistent with my play and my abilities. No one else but only me has the ability to fluctuate my performance between awesomeness and sucky-ness in mere moments. Inconsistency seems to be my greatest fear and so i worry...

Guess the greatest fear anyone can face would be a quicksand. Like in a match, if i've committed a mistake, i will quickly try to rectify the problem. However, the more i try to solve it, the deeper i'll sink. And eventually, i'll drown. That is what im feeling about EVERTYHING now. Its a sinking feeling, but if i struggle, i'll just drown. I shall just let everything pass and hopefully salvation will come to me soon enough.

My prayers are going out as hard as ever. God help me now.

Trip's over. Fun's over. At least, that is what i think so. Honestly, i hate coming back from trips because that is when reality hits you. It's just like how it goes when you tripped (literally! you're falling down here!). You're taking a trip. In those mere seconds before you hit "reality", you'd experience a rush of adrenaline, a tinge of fear, a little bit of excitement, frayed pieces of joy-things that you would enjoy when you go on a trip(the holiday kind)- and after that, reality(in the form of the floor or some hard surface) hits you. It hurts, no doubt. Yup. That is how its like for me. It hurts, but i somehow have to get it over with.

Anyway, got to back to work that is long overdue. So how is the post-trip life going to be like? For tuesday, it's 0900hrs rugby coaching. 1230hrs-presentation meeting, 1430hrs-hoping to get some of my work done, 1700hrs-rugby training, 1930hrs-wash up for and have some chow, 2100hrs-finish up my work for today, 0100hrs-head for home.

Hope everything goes according to what i plan. I forsee that it is going to hurt a lot but i shall brace for impact. Same shit, different day

Right now, im supposed to be doing my essay assignment about this movie sepet. But guess what? I somehow forgot what it is all about and so, i have to go and look for the dvd so i can actually get a move on it.

However, i am getting excerpts of the movie here and there so it's kind of helping. But as i am doing this, peacefulness is overwhelming me. I dont know why. I feeling very very calm and at peace. Maybe its the picture. Maybe its the story itself. It's not a chickflick nor the kind of movie guys would like to watch. But guess what? I LOVE THIS KIND OF MOVIES! So yah...nobody understands that. Well, you dont have to understand, just appreciate it. That's all.

Okay, i shall get back to my work but if you guys want to know why i am at peace, go watch the movie. If you have the DVD, quickly lend it to me. I really need to watch it again to do my term paper.

Time is just going past way to fast for me. I feel like it's impossible for me to just sit down and do nothing. Every single second must be filled with an activity else it'll just flow away like that, forever lost. Its like yesterday feels like a million years ago. Memories fleeting away quickly. Not meeting someone for months feels like you haven't met them for years, decades..it feels like they've lived a lifetime ago, in a previous life perhaps.

Time is a damned commodity which we willingly trade in for a little bit of cash to buy us a little bit of happiness. I guess that's how it was intended. The more we work, the more we get to live. Irony CAN be found in that. Sayings like "Working to death" or "Working like hell"are so common that we have to find the humour in it just to relieve ourselves from this daily torture.

Up till now, i wonder. If god intended for us to die, why did he let us live. If god intended for us all to go to heaven, why did he allow us to do bad? Why did he allow for the devil to influence us to do the devil's bidding? Why did he create hell?

These questions can never be answer. As of now, the only thing that holds everything is faith....and yes, cigarettes. I am not questioning god nor his actions. But i wonder, and i hope that the answer becomes apparent.

Armageddon draws near. NO, i am not prophecizing. Rather, its what we see everyday. The signs are showing. The movies are making millions out of this fact...the one thing that everybody fears. Perhaps, this is why people are working harder then ever: the harder they work, the more they are able to live on this world and perhaps get lost in it.

Right now, my mind spins with thoughts of such. But I cover it up with thoughts of humour, of love, of success, of lameness, of everything but what i have just mentioned. Perhaps, this is god's way of testing my faith. If so, then this is proving to be extremely difficult.

NO! I do not deny in the existence of god. I AM NOT AN ATHEIST! Never will i doubt the existence of god. The only existence that i doubt is my own. Fact is, do i really exist? Do we really exist? Try locking yourself up in your home's store room...pitch dark. You dont see anything, you dont know anything...there is no one. YOU ARE ALONE! Then wonder this,"Do i exist?"

There is this one line that has been prominent in my mind. It guides me to the meaning what i am doing-studying. Be it be taken as a form of satire or just another philosophy it has proven to serve me well. That line goes, "Schools are for fools".

Why do we partake in education? Is it because of the paper-chase phenomenon that time and time again has been embedded onto us effortlessly ever since we realized that an education system DO in fact exist? To get ourselves a degree at least so that we will be able to earn so much that we are able to lead decent lives. What is decent? That is up to the individual to decide. I cannot, do not, and will not decide it for you.

If that was the case, then education has failed us all. For it one was to earn so much money, one would not partake in the act of being educated but merely have to work for when you work, you'd earn, money.

Perhaps this is the reason why people study. When you study, you are merely putting yourself into a situation of alienation. You study so that you can earn big bucks. You'd mug so that you'd be able to achieve good grades but throughout the entire semester, you'd put in minimum effort towards your work as you do not see it beneficial in serving you good grades. You would only pick and choose topics out of the entire textbook; ones that would serve you well into getting you those grades. Education thus, has failed you miserably.

Rather, in order for education to succeed you, you do not study but you learn. The distinction between the two is as fine as the strain of your hair after it has been sliced across a dozen times. But the fact is, there is a distinction. To study is to absorb knowledge and use it for the sake of using that knowledge. To learn is to appreciate what a lesson will be teaching you. There is no right or wrong answer for the right answer is the one that you have managed to learn and have convinced others that it is in fact correct.

As what our mothers have always told us when we have made mistake, regretted it and intend to make amends, "So, have you learnt your lesson?"

They do not go, "So, have you studied your lesson?" Perhaps, the down-brining of our education system is that we all want to study. It's not in the fault of our educators but the flaw is in the system itself. The paper chase phenomenon.

To learn is to appreciate a sense of lacking that all have inbuilt. We do know all for if we did, then it would be at our expiration as there is nothing else to learn for us: we have learnt what we need to.

So, are schools for fools? You decide.

Im am damn bloody exhausted from the morning's training. Well, exhausted and dissapointed. But they kind of balance out one another so, i guess, there was some value-addedness to the training.

Let's talk about being dissapointed first. Hmm..to begin with, there was only so many people who turned up. I have no idea what happened to the rest! I mean, if you say you have something on, do make it a general information to the whole team about what is it that you have on. I mean, this is the only way to curb out any sense of prejudice by the rest. I mean, if it was really important, we would understand. I mean, we have lives too dont we?

The dissapoinment doesnt stop there unfortunately. Because they did not turn up, they are going to be deadweight to us all. I mean, instead of us being able to progress, we would have to start off where we started off TODAY and get those who were absent on par before we could actually move on further.

This is extremely exhausting. It is exteremly demoralizing. It comes to the point that i see no point to come down for training because i wont be learning anything new there. It'll just be the "same shit different day" phenomenon occuring over and over again. I mean, its less than 4 weeks to SUNIGs. All of us have something to prove to ourselves, our peers, our team mates, our school mates and to our opponents. Hopefully, just hopefully, everyone has this mentality. Even if it isnt everyone, majority would do.

So basically that sums up everything. And oh yeah, its exhausting also because im fasting. But i cant let up just because of that. That's a really poor excuse one can ever use- fasting. Hiding under your religion just so you can escape abit of hardship? Well well well...isnt that what fasting is all about? Experiencing a little bit of hardship? Else, why did God made us fast for one month in a year? He has his reasons...we have to find it too. Even if we cant, we can always find our own reason to do so. Most of the time, his reason lies within us- we just have to keep searching. It's there...

It's been one hell of a week(maybe weeks) for me. Well, one presentation down! But then, there's at least 2 more presentations to go! Sian.

Let's talk about my view on life. Life is one big parody if you think about it. Well...are you thinking? No? See! That is exactly what i mean. In a sense, it really is stranger than fiction. Things that you never thought would happen ('cause you've never seen it happen before either on TV or in the movies) really happen! I cant think of any solid examples right now because i havent seen one happening to someone. Damn...im talking in circles! If there was a crop field right now, people would think that some alien invasion was about to take place judging from the circles i've made on the crop. Either that, or the farmer would be so pissed that he decided to become a farmee! Hahahahahahax. Ok...im really talking nonsense here.

I really have no source of "inspiration" right now. Usually, moments would inspire me to write about something. Most of the time, it would come to me when im riding (my bike! tsk tsk. what were you thinking?). Then, by the time i get home or reach my destination, i completely forgot what was it that struck me. But im pretty sure it wasnt a big-ass truck or some car driven by some faggot fag!

Anyway...i've found this awesome website! No, its not youtube...its www.punoftheday.com With puns like "The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran." and " The roundest knight at king Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference." im sure to crack even more lameness that by the end of it all, you wont be able to walk! hahaha...

I really should stop this nonsense right now. Noodles!

Ok. Great. It's been a dry spell for me. Well, blogging wise at least. Then again, have you figured out that it is always when you're in no situation to write (or even near it) that the best thoughts come to you? For me, inspiration comes to me on a bike, when im running or when im right in the middle of a match. The stoning moment comes to me when im no where near a pen or paper much less a computer. By the time i eventually get to one, the moment's gone. I forgot what suddenly struck me. So i keep some paper and a pen in my bike's seat compartment. You know...just in case.

Music has served me well. Well, not well enough because if it was really well, my life would have background music to it. Well, can always make do by plugging into my mp3 and walk/ride around. Works well for me. If i cant do that, i'd just think about the song in my head or WORST! I'D SING IT!!! So............if you happen to hear someone wailing nonsense whilst on the expressway, that's probably me singing my lungs out. Nope, i havent been pulled over before but they do give me weird stares.

Certain songs does have certain effects on me. I dont know. One of the most prominent song in my life would be Androgyny by Garbage. It was during my Individual Marksmanship Trainer(this simulated range) session and it was my turn to shoot. The technician had the radio turned on onto 98.7fm and then that song came out. My nervousness(i was nervous btw) all disapeared and i even got a perfect score! From then on, whenever i shoot, i'd play that song in my head over and over again because when i didnt, all my rounds didnt square up. When i did, everything landed where it should be(imagine if my target was a real person, that person would have really hated Garbage...the band at least). That became my shooting song.

Another song that simply drives me crazy (when im on my bike) would be Supermassiveblackhole. Yeap. Muse. Suddenly cars dont matter as i have this immense desire to slip and slid through them. Corners becomes fluid as i bank from corner to corner with ease. And no, i am not exagerating. If you see me on the road, and i suddenly speed up and go through corners like i was in some sort of a race, Supermassiveblackhole is on baby!!! Yeah...

Guess there's a lot more songs that i could list but that would make things too boring. So i'd leave it as it is. Alright, time to get to work.

I guess, at the end of the day, men, truly is alone.

Past few days have been quite boring for me. Its still routine albeit in a lepak kind of way. Morning gym. Afternoon, spend time with her or tuition. Night, rotting at home on the computer or either that lepak-ing in jb. With a great shitload of time, comes a whole lot of ball-scratching(DO NOT TAKE IT LITERALLY! HHAHAHAHa).

Anyway, i've been spending a lot of time on FB, looking thru photos of my buddies. God i miss those times. 2006-2008...NS was a haven compared to what i have now. Aimlessness is overwhelming me now. Idleness is the devil's best tool to turn a crap crap-ier. crap-ier. Like i said, ball-scratching action.

A lot people would give me the puzzled look (some even the look of pure hate) when i mentioned that i enjoyed being a soldier. Maybe, if they went through what i did, they would understand why i would dare mention such a thing. I got the whole complete NS package. Whatever you can think of, i have done it. Of course, don't over think it because it aint what its like like its one the TVeeeeee. The mere question of what my NS is like would spring me into life of story-telling. God i miss that life.

Can you imagine? Wake up at 6 for breakfast followed by a run, shower, lessons, lunch, lessons, training, shower, dinner, nights off...and the whole cycle begins the very next day. OF course, every now and then i would be overseas for a bit doing the same thing but with a little bit of TWANG added to it. Aimlessness would not be an issue as there is always something that we would have to achieve.

Maybe my ramblings are a direct result of nostalgia. Perhaps....but who can deny the fact that great company would turn any horrible even or situation into one which is enjoyable. None would have brought out the worst out of them and yet being able to bring out the best of them when the time calls for it. Sure, the journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. But no one must forget that it also begins with a lot of bitchin' and moaning too. You simply cannot deny that. I can still remember each and every experience vividly as if they are happening to me there and then(that's what i do when im stoning). Every night, i would be dreaming about putting on the uniform every morning and setting out to do what i am good at: Being a soldier.

Right now, to whomever is reading is, i am sensing a lot of loathe from you. But like you, we have different dreams...different goals in life. Maybe i am destined for this? The purpose of my existence. Perhaps? Only God knows what is my purpose of existence. Wish he would tell me....soon...

"Loneliness is simply God's way of wanting to have a word with you in private - Anonymous"

Micheal Jackson's death shook the world...literally. I bet all the blogs have mention his passing in one way or another. Perhaps, maybe just perhaps, mine would be the only one that is forthcoming in a way that his death is just a mere passing remark of what i am about to write.

His death got me reflecting about how time flew by so fast. I can still vividly remember the day he came down to Singapore. I swore that i could hear people chanting out his name from the balcony of my late grandfather's flat. As i am typing this, i can still remember how every nook and cranny of the house smelled like, felt like, looked like...memories overwhelming me. This was about the time when i was around 3 maybe 4. I had my cousin pointing to the direction of the Swisshotel at me and saying that, " Tengok saner! Nari Micheal Jackson perform kat saner!". Subtitles: Look! Micheal Jackson is performing there today! I can still remember him dressing up like the King of Pop. Jackson fever was an unstopable epidemic.

Everyone looked so young then. My dad, my mom...my grandfather looked sickly and as fate would have it, he passed on a year or two later. My cousins too looked young. One of them passed away a few years back followed shortly by the passing of my grandma a year later. Everyone looks so much older now. My dad just celebrated his 51st birthday and my mom her 48th. I do still rummage through photo albums that have been left to be cobwebbed in one corner of the house to be reminicsed of all the memories i've had since i was 20 years younger.

Alas, time is speeding up. The more i try to slow it down, the faster it spins. Its like all clocks in this world was mean to ticks on faster and faster as days wears on. Its like i do not even have the time anymore to enjoy a single moment of my life. It's depressing really. Age creeps up to me faster then you can even have the moment to think that it is really catching on to me. Right now, my dad is the exact image of my grandad when i remembered him. I hope he wont go so soon.

I cant help it. I know death is eventual. I just cant help it. I simply do not know how to deal with the losses of loved ones and i simply do not want to learn how to. When those 3 people, mentioned earlier, died...i did not cry; i did not even feel as if i had lost someone. I felt numb. Perhaps i did not appreciate them much. Perhaps i do not know them that well. But from what my dad told me, both my grandad and my grandma loved me and my brother (my youngest brother wasnt in the picture yet when my grandad passed away) truthfully. I had not come to know that because my grandad passed away too quickly when i was too young. By then, my grandma was already paralyzed and was not able to speak much less have the ability to actually dote on us. But from what i knew, they loved us with all their hearts(my maternal grandparents couldnt really care less).

I want to love. I want to show that i care. Somehow, i have lost that ability to show it to my parents. Something is wrong with me...i pray that im not to god.

There are only two occasions that will bring friends and family close together to a person: birth(or birthdays) and death. Truly, it is the only occasion whereby you are able to gather your masses to celebrate the existence of you in this world or the passing of your existence into the next. Although sadistic and many of you might disagree by saying that weddings too gathers the masses, it simply no comparison to the above mentioned occasions: both momentous in their own right.

Truly, i will never understand why only at the last moments of a persons life do his/her loved ones gather around just to see the person for the very last time. Only at the verge of death do people wished that they had spent more time with the person. Nobody blames them for it is within our society's system to occupy most of our lives with salaried labour; forcing it through various means albeit most of them are nothing more than noticeable.

I have seen more people shedding tears of grief rather than joy for the person who is passing on. Truly, one cannot regret that the person is passing on but to be joyous(to a limit) that the person has lived a full life- one that the grieving should be happy about. A wise man once said that nobody should be sad for the person is dying but should be glad that the person has led a full life. It does not matter how the person lived it. For it was preordained by the almighty-albeit choices were made, it none the less lead to the same ending: death.

Rather than grieving, why not spend time celebrating the person's existence in this world with whatever time we ourselves can afford to. Afford...pfft. Time has been converted into a commodity. The more we try to obtain it, the faster it runs out. Its like we are hanging from a cliff, struggling to clasp onto the edge. The more we struggle the more inevitable that the fall seems. The more we try to grab, the more we seem to be losing grip.

Do not look for how things end up. No matter what, it will be alright in the end; if it isn't alright, then it is not probably the end yet. Every race can be finished. It does not matter what one does to finish it but what matters is that one will eventually finish it. Instead, enjoy what you are doing, and while you're at it, share it with your loved ones for the only permanence is that all will perish at the very end. Do not bother about that. It is beyond control. Do not grieve. Be glad that you have celebrated live with the loved one. For the dying, do not cry for it will all be over soon.

Life is a pleasurable, death is peaceful. IT is the transition that is bothersome and painful. Do not celebrate just for the live of the newborn. Celebrate for the dying too for he was once a newborn too and at one point, somebody has celebrated that matter. To grief and regret is to do the same for his existence.

Work is taking the best out of me. Then again, it wont feel like work unless you get tired out of it. Imagine this, the best times to do anything gets taken up by work. I cant even go to the library to borrow books that i can read during the slow periods because they only open from 1100-2100...and that is how my shift is like too.

On the hindsight, it does get enjoyable at times. It's amazing just how much you get to learn about someone or about something in a very short period of time. All it takes is the "Madagascar Penguin Method" to get it all started (just smile and wave boys...just smile and wave...). But ones it does, i can get them to share their live stories and all this is happening without me saying a single thing. I just smile and nod. They do occasionally ask me a few things like urm...how i am getting paid. haha. Ya, other than that, it's just me listening to whatever they want to talk about.

One thing that i have observed about hospitals is that it is a great place to have family gatherings. Before you go on to say what a BASTARD i am to say such a thing, let me explain. Firstly, i have experienced it myself. My uncles and aunts are busy with their own lives so its kinda hard to have family gatherings. But as my late-grandma got sicker, she was constantly being admitted into hospitals. Being the children they are, my dad and his siblings would go down to visit my grandma. Naturally, their families would tag along too. Dare i say it, it was a great way for everyone to catch up on each other: seeing how their nieces and nephews are all growing up quickly, how each other are doing...things sort of like that.

It seems like the best way to bring people together would be grief. Death and illness seems to bring the best out of humanity. Not talking about just how everyone would pay their last respects to the person how has just passed on.It is up to the point that i had no idea who 70% of those who came down to my grandma's funeral- Friends, family, relatives...most of them i have never seen before. But my dad and his siblings were comfortably chatting with them so i assume that its someone familiar to them.

ROFL. When i digress, i really digress! Anyway, back to the hospital. There seems to be a lot of old people there. Some already a century old! Imagine if i could get them to tell me about their live stories. I could be writing hundreds of biographies or maybe a compilation of their live memories. The best part is, before this, i have never even knew of their existence. And to those who are reading this, you can only imagine of their existence- face, names, height, weight or even personalities are all imagined because you all have never met.

This reminds me of the time in my Secondary school days when i was constantly dragged to old folks home as it was part of my CCA(i got tricked into it because they said we were firstly prefects/councilors etc.) But when i think about it, i really ridicule those people who go to such places only to mock the old(by prancing around on stage or singing). I think they get enough entertainment just by watching television or listening to the radio. Or better yet, they get 2 of those types of media and much more with the internet! Really! So......(in order to refocus, one has to go out of focus...hahahahha!) ya, back to what i was saying. What they really wanted was some company. Someone to share their live stories with. And with each visit, i would take the time to sit down and listen to them talk for hours on end about how they lived their childhood days, how their teenage years were cut short due to the war (there was even a world war 2 veteran!) how they sloughed through their entire lives just to bring up their children(and sometimes how ungrateful those bastards can be after all these years). Like i said, i could be writing biographies from them. Its amazing sometimes to listen to them. Its kind watching Big Fish over and over again except this time, the characters are different and so are their live stories.

So much talk about old people...i shall leave with this:

A reporter was interviewing a women celebrating her 104th Birthday for the news:

Reporter: So, madam, what is the best thing about being 104 years old?
Old Lady: No peer pressure

shall be writing something tonight...i hope

Why we fight?

I've been wanting to write this out for months now, but the P-monster(P being procrastination) looming around every time, it never did. So, at 4AM, i am going to this and it is going to be LEGEND..wait for it....................
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.......................
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DARY!!!!!! hahaha.

Why do we fight? I've always have this strong sense of fascination about wars, particularly World War 2 dubbed as the wars to end all wars(ironically, the cold war followed soon after and that ranged from a variety of political wars and races too). I've always wondered, is it in human nature to be in a constant state of conflict towards one another? If so, we may have very well discovered another constant in our state of constant change.

Up till today, i have no idea why so fascinated with this war which caused 60 million lives worldwide. Both sides, the Axis powers and the Allied powers suffered massive casualties both military personnel and also innocent civilians(notice if you took out the c and the i and add another l next to the l and rearranged it, it becomes villains). Are we, as human beings, corrupted and conflicted by nature? I would rather think that we humans are rather corrupted beings. If we were, the children of Adam and Eve would still be frolicking in the Gardens of Eden. Is it the temptation to ultimate power? Is it the money? Only god knows.

I am not particularly sure about other religions but mine states that whatever happens was probably meant to happen. In other words, all our actions, our words loud or soft, were all devised to happen even before we know what is going to happen. In this sense, i feel very small as i am nothing but a mere puppet in god's hand. I have digressed.

I have recently finished reading this book, The Longest Winter which is a book about how an American platoon managed to hold an onslaught by a force more than 500times larger then them. This action accomplished by them would go on to save a lot of lives(Allied forces of course) as it bought them more time to regroup, reorganize and countered this massive last desperate gamble by Hitler. They all survived the war after having gone through months as POWs. Years later, they would chance upon their captors and some eventually became the best of friends despite the fact that they had once tried to kill each other.

This isnt the only reported case as they are many others which i am currently making no attempt to cite. Hahaha! Well, maybe just one. In the form of a movie, Joyeux Noel which means Merry Christmas. Though it is from the Great War aka WW1, it reenacted the entire scene whereby soldiers from both sides came out of their trenches and celebrated Christmas together with their carols and among others, a game of baseball. Despite the merry making, they were order by higher command to get back in their trenches and the fighting resumed the very next day; it was as if they never actually met their "killers".

This fascination can fast-forward to the present times. All men are brothers, yet everyday, there is always news about someone wanting to kill someone. Someone, taking the food of others. The list goes on. I sometimes wonder, is this God's way of saying that the end is near??

Comments please....

As it is right now, im getting ready for my shift again which starts in 2 hours time. Hehs. It's kinda...urm..something for me this week. It's not really depressing but it does get to you if you were to do night shifts for the entire of one week. Asleep by the day and working by the night. Something which i am totally the opposite of. I am sort of a morning person if you will. No matter how late i sleep, it would be rare to catch me asleep after 0800hrs of that day unless its after a night of hard labour(or partying ;>)

There are many take backs to this experience for the week. For instance, the number of people i met during the course of my work. And yes, it seems that i am doing my night shift with different people every night. So it seems that i am the only constant for that post, everyone else is a variable. Is there something more than this? I cannot be sure about that. What i can be sure is that my eyes has once again been opened to the sides of Singapore that one would never get to view or even if presented with, one would choose to look away. Yes, the working class and what not. Talking to them has enlightened me with views and opinions over everything that is occurring around us(as to which i shall not disclose).

The last time i had such an experience was during the army. Yes, its the stories that one can only hear but never see, see but never experience, experience but only for an instance. I've heard about it, seen it, felt it...it is almost synonymous within my character. I want to help. I want to help more. I'm just praying that my results would turn out good hoping that im good for the SAF scholarship. Perhaps i can do more there then here or any other space which i occupy.

It's been days since i ended my 1st year of studies and all i've doing is unproductive work: just lazing around at home, wake up late, gym for awhile, call some people to hang out with...i feel that im getting fatter and fatter as the days goes on by.

Hanging out simply means lepaking under somebody's block and talking cock. Well, it's not the usual mat versh coz that versh does not include topics on how to make money(the honest way of course) or how to save the world(eventually). But it's all rather unproductive i would say. Hopefully i get that job or else my brains will stew in its own filth from this.

I guess the only thing that keeps me sane is riding. Yeap! Even though my bike is kinda small and is not as fast like all others, it does have it's advantages. Mainly, nobody gives a cahoot about it. This means(i really hope so) it wont get stolen or some bastard doest decide to use it as part of his ITE fyp. I really hope not.

Riding is blissful to me. It's especially so on deserted roads where nobody will call me a road-hoagger just for riding slowly...too slow for the bike of my kind to be going. Good thing is, when i want it to go fast, it will =). Hopefully, after it gets serviced, it gets really really fast- faster then i ever need it to be. The thrill is there. But speed is not as thrilling as negotiating through curves and corner. The smoothness of transiting between one bend to another..it's like poetry in motion, with the help of a 150cc engine(i really hope to get a bigger bike soon so that the power of my engine doesnt amuse others).

It's actually like flying a plane. Since i got rejected by the air-force, i guess this is the next best thing. My bike doesnt complain at all. It does give hints that it needs to rest, or that it needs to get well taken care off. But once i fullfill all its hints, its smooth running baby!!!

I really really do hope that the trip materializes because i really really want to experience the ultimate road trip experience. Miles and miles of open road (with friends i hope). Actually, it doesnt matter if im doing it alone but friends do help because that means that there's always somebody else looking out for you(in return for the same thing). Guess a buddy in need is a buddy indeed....that was real cheesy, i know. But buddies are hard to come by like shakespear once said, for those who shed their blood with me shall be my brother..

Finally! It's over! Yet..i dont feel any sense of achievement or liberation for that matter. Some say that its becase we didnt study enough. Too much horsing around they would say. I would say that...i've nvr worked so hard my entire life before. It comes to the point that once i stared at the paper, my mind went blank...4 times!

After each paper, it will be normal for people to be talking about the paper. I really really hate that. To me, what's done is done. I dont really like to bother much about it unless something from that paper bothers me. Lately, i've been getting into the habit of reading my notes at the very last minute even though i know it would not do me any good. Besides, from my PSLe all the way to my A lvls, i have never done it before. So why now? Peer pressure? Maybe.

Ah!! Enough about exams. It's the holidays now. I shall work so that i can save up enough money to go for that bike trip and pay for my insurance. Hur hur...$800 for insurance, im sure thats a whole lot more then what people are paying for for their cars. Nvm...i shall be patient about it and shall progressively(slowly is a Mat word) work on it. Eventually i'll get there. About the bike trip...we'll have to work out the finances according and plan out our route. Shah's grandma lives in Malacca so that's definately our focal point. Like Genghis Khan, we'll conquer the world on our bikes bit by bit. Hill by hill. Mountain by mountain. Continent by continent. One step at a time =)

I just finished a 3 hour session of physics help...cant seem to find my brains anywhere. Sigh...wished i had SOME background to it. Helps a lot you know. This is the result of a school structure so rigid that when you put it on a head-on collision with the school building...the building might just give way.

Education in singapore sucks...truly. Why do we have to sit for exams? What's the point of it anyway? To rate students on their understanding of what has been taught? There is some truth to it since it IS carried out on a large scale basis. But O and A levels...shouldnt it be stopped there? Why carried it all the way into the University level? Wouldnt tests and quizzes(once that pop out of nowhere) be a better measure? I mean, it keeps the students coming to class and also "motivates" them to study consistently. And IF they do not understand a part of that subject/course/module, wouldnt it be easier to spot them so?

This examination system really sucks ass. People who have not been coming to class or put in much effort except on the very very last minute basis (only towards the exams) are reaping the benefits instead of those who have been consistently strriving their best in their everyday life. This is especially so for those "genius" who are able to recall everything that they do at the very last minute compared to those who have been practicing it on a daily basis. After all, isnt each course training each and everyone of us to be what we have signed up for (for a "small" fee of 6-7k a year =D)?

Let me paint you a picture of what the system is really like and how it fails every single one of us. You work your ass of for your exams even though you do not even come for a single lesson. You get straaaaaaaaaaaaaaaight A's just because of that. You get hired by a company because of ur grades. They ask you to give a presentation about a particular subject (one related to your source of A). You just stand down there...like a deer caught in the spotlight/headlight/flashlight/candlelight/starlight/lightlight. Yes. Seen those. Heard of those.

The system makes us study for the sake of studying. What's the point? where's the end result? I hate this sense of spurious sense of achievement that everybody gets after receiving their results. There's distance yes...but is there any displacement between what we know now and what we would know in the future?

IT WAS LEGEND...WAIT FOR IT...DARY!!! I just got back from JB and every time i ride there, it never fails to amaze me. It's like going on a short vacation every other weekend. Super short in fact...just a couple of hours and its back to the reality that is Singapore(and exams...shucks!).

Petrol RM16.70
Bike Wash RM8
Chicken Burger RM5
Teh-o-ice-limau (iced lime tea) RM2
Fags RM7
Gums RM11.20
Experience of riding amongst some lawless riders in the continent Priceless

For everything else, there's malaysian money. hahahaha!

Even though we spent some 1hr plus trying to get in, it was all worth it. And while waiting to clear the checkpoint, there was even entertainment: Woodlands Checkpoint Symphony number 230843010481A in Horn Major, Minor. Hahaha...there was air horn, bike horn, Truck horn, and if im not wrong, this lady even had a bicycle horn because hers really cannot make it. ROFL. (Dont know why she even bothered...idiot).

Hmm...this feels great! I feel like im ready to take the world once again(but first, i have to take on my notes and then the four papers which are going to slaughter me)!
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee~...hopefully later on today will be much more productive for me...hopefully

Im supposed to be studying right now. But it seems that i have lost all drive to do so. It's became so mundane....doing it for the sake of doing it. It really really sucks ass at this moment. Then again, since im at the bottom, the only way is up! Horrah! Unless of course i dig a deeper hole..then i have no words for that.

Anyway, i've always wondered. How do we end up at this exact spot? What did we do to end up here? Where have we been? When did all this happen? Who made this all possible? It's really quite intriguing if you really think about it. All you need is some brain juice(if its not enough, there's plenty of fruit stalls to choose from in school)and there you go...a journey of stoning. Hahaha!

Hmm...since young, all i thought about was becoming a pilot flying a fighter jet. It's one of the coolest thing one can ever do. REally! I know, i know...those who ARE that will say how mundane it is, how boring it really is. C'mon! Who, in amongst the entire population of Singapore get to do it day in, day out(but since i've mentioned it that way...it does seem kinda mundane to some already. hahaha)? Then it changed...i wanted to become an army officer! wahhhhhhh. No no no...nothing glamorous about it. But the skills that i would have (totally irrelevant to the service, public or private sector) would be a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. I should know better, i experienced the FULL army experience. One that none of our Uni boys would ever(or want to for that matter) experience. It was well worth it...every single second of it.

Not that i want to use that as a perfect excuse(nostalgia is never a good reason for you to do something or worst! being committed to it). Rather, its the skill that i have acquired and the amount of things i have learnt. Somehow, i feel that i belong in the army. AS of now, i feel rather out place. Plus...studying is anal!!!!!!!!

Ever have this nagging feeling that you feel like writing something but am in no means of doing so? It happens to me all the time. Call it unlucky inspiration because you have no means of recording down that one moment of brilliance. Funny thing is that it happens to me whenever im either on the bike or when im running. It's like a million an one ideas comes into your head and by the time you're finally able to write it down, it's all gone! Sucks-ass doesnt it?

Anyways, i just realized something about myself that i've picked up lately. I am able to converse like a true blue mat whenever the need arises. Cool huh? There's mat moto languge(and all its lingo), there's mat-bawah-block langugage, there's kedai-kopi mat language...etc. This didnt happen when i still had the 1 infront of 0-9 on my age. Cant say i picked it up in the army. But i can definately remember that it got to me only after i started school (after 2 years of rewarding break. if you went through what i did in the army, it was rewarding indeed. lucky few bastards thats what we are!).

Comebacks come as naturally as they are. It's like blinking the eye. You dont know you're doiing it but you're doing it alrite. And you can even choose to do it conciously. Amazing!

Another thing that i've discovered (every time an exam looms around, i begin my journey of self discovery...or so it seems), my lameness peaks around exams too. Its like nothing is going into my head...just rubbish that is coming out of my mouth. To those who are suffering from this, i really do hope that there's some entertainment value that you manage to scrape from every experience.

Well, i really intent on that Bike Road Trip with the rest of the P-plate club. Singapore-Negeri Sembilan-Malacca-KL-JB-Singapore. But i really am looking forward to that dirt bike rental in Malacca that Shah promised. Its like me coming back to mountain biking (last i did so was in 2003) only with an engine on the bike (hopefully this bike wont suffer the same fate what my mountain bike did...rolling down the side of Bukit Timah. hahahaha). Hopefully it will come around to be a success so that it can be a stepping stone for further trips when we get bigger bikes (SUPER 4 people! No DRZ!!! After that...AFRICA TWIN!!! WOHOO!!!)

Im out of things to write about. Take care now, bye bye then

im supposed to be asleep right now but i cant. maybe i shld be studying? hmm....nah....nothing's going through my head(perhaps i have thick skull hence the stuborness to all advice far and wide). Oh well...hmm. What shall i be kao-pei-ing about? How about errant and irresponsible dickies who drive?

I hate them. Truly i do. Imagine almost crashing into them at a rate of almost once every 10-20mins. Ya...maybe because they cant see us. Maybe because they dont really care. hmm...hate them...

Haiz...even this little activity of mine seems kinda pointless at the moment. Im basically writing about nothing. NOthing...hmm...that's an interesting topic to talk about. Nothing-ness.

Anyways, i thought of a great idea of how to create money(really need it for my planned road trip on me bike!!! Wohoo!). It struck me and as i quote from those who were unfortunate enough to be around me, "he's really talking nonsense but his sentences do correlate". Well, it started with the spotting of a tree covered by newspapers infront of S3.1. I thought...why not write the word HAUNTED on it to see if anyone would believe it. Shahul...in all his greatness, said that why not just put an alter there? Why not?! It sure would scare the hell out of me(thus making me heavenly...i hope. ROFL). Then...i thought, just like the monkey tree incident, i could make money out of it. In all my fucked up thoughts...i upped the ante by thinking...why not i place it at one of the benches? Surely ppl will think that there might be something wrong with it...or................it could be HOLY!!!! Bwahahahax. With the exam period and all...i could trick the ah tiongs into thinking that by donating to me to sit there for just 5 mins, they could be scoring As!!! Imagine that!

Prolly right now, you readers (are there even any???) are already judging me. Right? Right? Right? Yes yes...i know i sound like a bastard. Then again, a bastard is really a bastard when he isnt even trying to be one. Hmm...doesnt make sense does it? Ah...dont worry...it's just one of FAdzil's daily dosage of philosophy.

What is philosophy? Well...it's somethign that is sooooooooooo deep in meaning and sounds very nice yet totally unneccessary to anyone for that matter. Its basically making things more compicated. And those things are already complicated to begin with.

All this blabberring is getting me nowhere. I caught myself reading my previous entries starting from those from DEC 2005. Wow! 3 years(almost) and going? I used to be able to talk soooooooooo much about anything and everything. Damn...STUPID EXAMS! GIVE ME BACK MY ARMY DAZE!!!! I feel like i belong to wearing green(new stupid uniform included) better then to be buried in books. Honestly, i'd rather be taking a degree in Defense Strategies and....(damn, i forgot what was the name of that course they offer at West Point). Oh well...........How i met your mother was nice =)

Okay! Here we go. It's been a million years (almost, in spongebob-land time anyway) since i have ever written anything here. It's been here. It's always been here. I just choose to chuck it into one corner like how we always do to our memories. I guess, the analogy works here too. I mean, when was the last time you did anything that you used to love doing as a kid? When was the last time you went down the slide? When was the last time you had a game of "block-catching" with your neighbours running away from the ever-revengeful captors no slippers, no rules...just pure imaginative fun.

I guess most of us would give the reason that we are to busy with our daily lives to do anything of that sort. Then, there would be the rest who would say that it is to childish...GROW UP! That's what they would say. Well, in our pursuit of growing up, most of us eventually lose ourselves to the pleasures, pain, the comfort, the dreadfulness of life. From the little kid that has a million hopes and goals to a monotonous droid whom ploughs through the fields of paper and fax machines just so that they can carry on living.

To a certain(no wait, a great, no wait, a certain...im kind of undecided here. Then again, you decide what its really like for you) extent, that is true. After all, living in the 10th Most expensive place is no easy feat.

Never the less, i still love growing up. I still have a lot to learn. And i bet, so does everyone else. Why? Because the day that you start growing up is the day that you return back to the earth in whatever forms your religion permits you to. I guess The Ataris's "In This Diary" has really stuck on onto me. Being grown up is as just half fun as growing up after all...

Wah! I thought i havent written anything here in a month. Fortunately, it's only been a week. Phew! Well, whats up? Well, exams are just around the corner ( you know, the kind of corner that you would walk up to and suddenly, a monster just jumps up on you and gives you the scare of your life! ya...that's the kind of corner). Guess what? Im finally getting the jitters. And i have no idea why....haiz.

The last time i ever sat for the exams was in 2005. Yup...the A lvls. That was a relief cause i knew the next step for me would be uni. Ya...and here i am now. Truth be told, i didnt really care about exams. All i did was to put in my best and hope for the best. Like Franklin once said, " If a man already did his best, what else is there to ask for?" Yay FRank! Or was it some other guy??? Hmm...help me out here?

Its been busy studying, busy studying and busy studying. Here's how my routine is like: Wake up at 6.30. Shower, Run errands. I try to be in school by 8.30. Gym for an hour or less. IF there's still time before lectures or lessons, i'd do a bit of my raedings. Maybe get something to eat. YA...Then, at the end of the day (or during breaks, [use when applicable]), i'd eat my lunch before continuing my study (or lessons [again, use when applicable]). At 6, i'd have to leave to fetch sayangg. And hopefully, by 8 ( its a good 2 hour break =) FOR DINNER!!! WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?!?!?) i'd be back i in school to continue till 11? ya...that's what my monday to friday is all about. Maybe saturdays too if im not too lazy.

I really dont want to screw this up. I mean, finally, i like what im doing and in the company (only some) of those who do to. I mean, in secondary school, i was surrounded by those who aspire to go to ITEs (hehehe...i was the one who instigated this project because i just didnt want to study. end up, i went to jc while the rest of my sitting-at-the-back-of-the-class-gang went to ite. Err...hehs). In JC, well, some were just plain negative about things. HEck...i played rugby all the way till the weekened before my A lvls started(it was a 2 years break from rugby after that for me =(... ). Ya..i digressed. The main point is, i know i can do this! I just know i can. Perhaps, i could have found my calling?(despite so many times of me feeling this way) I dont...

Well, the best i could do is to do my best like what frank said. Maybe i can now use what i keep telling: Have faith in your training, Hope for the best to happen (or hope that nothing screws up), and glory shall be yours to bask in. I wonder if they ever understood this or even cared...hmm...

Its been a very long time since i wrote anything on this blog. Well, one thing's for sure, my other blog is very much alive (and kicking) probably because its one my weekly assignments. Well, this used to be my daily assignment before i enlisted, during my enlistment and ya...it stops short there. Sucks doesnt it? I used to have funny entries that well...basically talks all the bad things and good things(occasionally) too that are all around me.

One thing i love about this space is, it's all mine (i suppose so). I dont get graded or anything for anything( NO MORE 3 TICKS!!! YESS!!!!). I dont get judge...but even i do, nobody even cares to tell me about it. Kinda like my diary i suppose. Yeah...and anything that i complain about wont get a feedback or cricitized or made fun of eventually....yea...sometimes i need that.

Well...i have about 2 more weeks till the exams and yes...its been a long time since i ever sat in one. The last time i sat for one was in nov 2005...ya..the A levels. Somehow, i didnt quite feel the excitement as what i felt after my O lvls. Perhaps because it was exactly the same as the post o lvl period so there wasnt anyting new for me to look forward to...except a new job that is.

Exams looming over...and ya...i still have other considerations to place that take precedence over my studies. Hmm...study too long...and it stinks...study too short...and im suffering. ya...i've been quite suffering in class lately too. I got a 61% for one of my electives. shucks....gotta buck up on it. And my 102 readings...wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy behind. oh well...better this than that i guess...

Welll...im getting kinda tired...so gtg. hopefully by the next time i write, it would already be the next centure...

i kinda miss the army...

First of all...Selamat Hari Raya everyone. And to everyone a Selamat Hari Raya!!! Yea...that's was lame. But im lame nonetheless. So, its kinda expected of me anyway right?

Anyways...a thousand and one things were running through my mind while i was on the expressway today. Nothing much..just thinking about the past 21 years of my life. Though it isnt quite my birthday, it is still hari raya. To all my muslim friends, im sure this has happened to you too hasnt it? Except for the expressway part maybe. People are getting older. My parents are getting older. The baton will soon be passed to me and my brother? The inversed relationship between parent and child, a normality in all our lives (hopefully so...especially all those infilial bastards), of us taking care of them is almost near. Yet, i cannot help but to reminisce about when i was little fadzil. How my parents doted on us three, how Hari Raya wasnt much but an occasion for us to receive lots of money from my relatives. Yeah...that was fun.

Well, things have changed. And to say it has changed a little is to be a lying bastard. Truth be told, i missed being that small kid. Everything was so much simpler. Everything was so much rosier. Now, im studying sociology and realizing how depressing this world really is and how much so we need that to be present in order for this society to function properly. Well...wish i was blissfully ignorant of all those things. Back to the times of my childhood. Where my parents are young and when i had a full set of grandparents.

You know it's kinda depressing to note that you're parents were once like you: childish, carefree and whatnot...they too had a full set of parents once upon a time. And that their parents are young. And that they might be very well thinking about the same thing that i am thinking off now. Well now, they're the ones that are in their parent's shoes. And im now in theirs. Wish time could just stand still forever. I dont want to be in their positions anytime soon. I really really cant imagine what my hari raya will be like without them...nor the people who are in my life right now. I know that i wont be able to meet those people that have already passed on or left my life for my next hari raya...nor this one. Wish we never have to lose anything that is near and dear to us all....

Its been approximately 5 weeks(i think) since i started school. So far...its been very very okay. Ya...cant quite think of any adjectives to best describe it. Well, it is something that i've been looking forward to since my 2 years in the service of the nation. Truth be told, i kinda miss the army. The times i spent with my buddies. Things were so much simple back then. Even if was suffering, im still comforted by the thought that everything would soon be over. The term, "pain is temporary..." really manifested in everything i did back then.

Best part of my 2 years was that i had company no matter where i turned to. Even when im out on the street, i would pride myself knowing that i am one of those who stand ready by the night to do violence on the behalf of those who sleep peaceably at night. Sigh...those days are long gone. Today, i tried to recall, " is it my left feet or my right that i should bang during drills?" Ya...and im supposed to be a master of that.

The overseas exercises which was greeted by a well deserved RnR after wards was one of the many highlights of my life. Everyday was a brand new day which seemed rather similar to the day before. Challenges were new though. And i actually have something to look forward to.

Now...its just not the same anymore. Its readings followed by more readings. Nobody really cares that im a student at NTU. After all, people are now able to pay their way through for a degree anyway. Its elitism, its prestige just isnt there anymore. But the experience that i had in the army...its simply priceless. No amount of money can buy it unlike degrees that are being bought at sim's.

oh well...life's a bitch anyway...

Ever been to those very unassuming 'mamak' shops under the void deck intending to just get a drink or something but usually ending up having nostalgic flashbacks? Hmm...ya...i love those kind of shops. Reminds me a lot about my childhood: back when i still had one... Hmm, sayangg brought me to her uncle's house yesterday to meet the rest of her family. It went smoothly...everyone treated me as though they have known me for a very long time. Then we got bored and stuff so decided to go out for a little walk. Went to this shop under the void deck because i was really desperate for a can of red bull. So we got it and then sat infront of the shop.

Behold! I saw my all-time favourite snack! Corn crackers which had chicken flavour. Bika! Or was it kaka! i can remember. It's this red packet with a picture of chicken and then the maker had a logo that looked like popeye or something. The snack itself? Its this yellow balls that would just melt away in your mouth if you just let it be in there for quite some time. I also saw a lot of sweets that i used to have everyday till my teeth started to rot back when i was still a small child. Yummmmm....

Kinda reminded me when i was a Gombak-ian. Everyday, after school(kindergarten still..) i would run all the way home (i dont know why but i loved doing it. my parents didnt have to fetch me cept when they really wanted to) and along the way to my home, would be this shop where i can get anything my child-craze-desires longs for. Great isn't it? Toys'r'us didnt do any good. I was into all things foooooooooooooooooooodd.. fact is, i still am. Every time im overseas, i'd find myself broke at the end of the trip but with little or no souvenirs to bring home coz i've prolly spent most of it on food anyway. hehehehes. Ya...i still miss that house though. Very peaceful and quiet. And windy too. I mean, where else can you go kite flying from the 9th floor of a HDB flat huh? We didnt even have to go downstais to the field. Just tossed the kite over the railings and there you go!

The good ol' times.....yeah....

Well, since i last filled up on a new entry, life has been preeeeeeeeetty good for me...i suppose? Just a couple more days and it'll be back to school after 2 years of chiong-suaing(still have 10 more years of that to go...) Hmm..sociology. What the hell do we study there?? All i know that somehow, somewhere we will be able to shape the future of our society based on our past. Yeah..i have 4 years to get that Degree and hopefully, by then, i would at least have a fair idea what sociology is all about.


FUCK! I sound like a bloody nerd who's blogging his life away. To begin with, im just a normal regular jackass who blogs about things he see's, feels, discovers(is this the theme for Singapore Discover Centre?)all from the very own pace of his perspective. But ya...really, life has really been kinda good for me lately.

Last week was THE BOMB!!! Went up to KL to participate in UiTM's 3rd International Sports Fiesta(kinda like drop ball fiesta) with NTU(fuckers typo-ed us as NUT). Hohoho..and i have yet to even start studying there. But it really felt more like a rugby camp than a 7s tourney. Felt like going back to the army...just with rugby. Plus...its been more that 15 years i think since i've last been to KL. The last time i went there was with my family and my uncle's family in a van. Yeah...i think i was only 4 or 5 that time. Cant really remember when. So...in all my vainest attempt, i thought that we'd be able(or at least me) to go visit places that i've been to before. You know, landmarks that postcards are made of when you're talking about malaysia, or at least KL. Ya...that didnt happen. Guys wanted to do something different, and it was pretty late anyway so...ya....hmm...Im seriously thinking about riding up there(solo or with a buddy) to explore those places. You know...the history and everything. Because before matathir, there was malaysia. With mathathir...everything became like the Chinese's cultural revolution. WEll...pretty much. Well, at least things are looking up for them now.

Seriously...i think qing yao shares this feeling with me...im wasnt quite done yet with KL. Well...at least we werent.

Hmm...it must have been ages since i've written anything on this space of mine. It used to be a regular thing that i used to do to express my thoughts about the world that i live in. Yeap...Singapore and just about everything else that i can see, hear and feel. Things have been a little bustling lately. School's starting in a couple of weeks time. Yeap...after 2 years of no school, im finally coming back to the world of curriculums, professors, lectures, tutorials, projects, bla bla bla and bla bla bla. Oh yes! I forgot! RUGBY!!! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! (everyone who's reading this is supposed to do the Kallang Wave. If you're not, you're breaking the pattern. C'mon. You know you want to ;) )

Just had a wonderful day of riding with sayangg =) Going to places that used to be troublesome to get to without that bike. Nowadays, everything is almost a kickstart away(or maybe a throttle away, or a litre of petrol away. I dont know, you decide which one will humor you the most.) Places that we've been to lately: Romantic spots in Singapore that would have otherwise seemed impossible to get to, makan places all over the island, her house, my house, everywhere =). Yeap, things are kinda fun lately. However,(yeap, here comes the bloody horrifying suspenseful plot twist) i still cant believe what i did to her 8 maybe 9 years ago.

She came into my primary school halfway thru in primary 4. She was sooooooo cheerful and bubbly. Suffice to say, she made everything around her feel warm. Mary poppins kind of warmth =) And i had to bloody opportunity to sit next to her all the way throughout the entire last year in that school!!!! =) =) =) Heck, truth be told, i kinda liked it when some of the boys teased me to being with her. Yup. But good ol' fadzil had a plan. It was a very good plan! I tried to make her not notice me. Why??? Well, because i was a pussified shy little bastard. Ya...sayangg could testify to that too. I hardly spoke a word to her even though everyday, from 7.30am till 1255pm, i was merely inches away from her. DAmn!!!!!!! And when she got posted to another school, i was actually relieved.....HOW SCREWED UP CAN ONE GET?!?!?!?!?
For the next 8 years, not a day goes by without me thinking of how different things would be if i would have actually grown a dick back then(more maybe just an adam's apple). Me and my wishful thinking right? Well, guess god decided that good guys should get another chance =). And right here, right now, more than a year later, not a day goes by without me being grateful to having her in my life again(despite her being such a pms queen. Well, if i cant handle her at a worst, what makes you think i deserve her at her best? Hell yeah i rock her world =p). I love you sayangg. I really really love you sayangg....

Ya ya ya...not really like me to get all mushy right? Hmm...3 more days to KL. Yeah...Rugby in UITM. After that, there's going to more rugby for me =) =) =) So i got 3 loves in my life right now. Sayangg, Rugby and my new motorbike =) Hoooooraaaaaaaaahhhh!

Im sure at some point in our lives, everyone had wished that they could turn back the time somewhere, somehow. They wished that everything that was said and done could be unsaid and undone. The really wished that the ugliest moment of their life right at that very moment would not had happened if it wasnt for something stupid that they just had to do because they felt that they had the right to do so. Well, guess time cant be changed(cept if you manually change the time on the clock yourself but that doesnt really count does it unless you could really go back in time by doing that).

Sometimes, that folly actions of their's had cause something that they would inevitably regret for the rest. Then, they just realized: they had actually taken things for granted after all; they actually lost themselves after all these while and forgotten why they had actually set out to do it in the first place. They regrettably had burnt down the bridge that they have carefully crafted. One that they had wanted a very very long time to set out to build. It took them just moment of folly(or two) to just burn in all down in a moment's notice.

Only then would they realize: OH SHIT! WHAT HAVE I DONE?!??!?! So they dig deep into their imagination and think of ways(not neccessarily creative methods) that they can rebuild the bridge that has been burnt. Hope is something that constantly feeds their desire to dish out the burning bridge. Eventually, they might succeed. Or it could go south from then on. Hmm...that would really sucked if it did.

Hope. There was once this saying(im quoting from Flight of the Pheonix), "Everyone needs to be loved; if you cant give them that, then give them something to hope for; If you cant give them that either, then just give them something to do."

Hmm...just hope this moment of ugliness wont last forever

Its been a really long time since i've written much lately. Hmm...it used to be everyday that i just had to write about something. Well...lately, im not so sure myself why im doing this. Well...guess its the procastination villain in me that is overcoming myself. Partly because i havent really observing the world around me much...sucks doesnt it? Well, safe to say, the world is still quite the same. Singapore is still very much the same. Same ol' habbits and what nots...

Hmm...doesnt leave me much room to write much now do i? Hmm...i'll write tonite then. Time to get inspired i guess...

Guess nobody else knows boredom like i do. It's kinda like waiting for death to come or something...well, 2 more months of this and i guess that wont be such a prominent thing in my life since i might probably be sooooo hectic with my studies that i can hardly have any time for myself. Is that so uni people??? I dont know...this is only base on assumptions which derived from my interaction from those type of people.

Guess what i did today? Hey! I went to the gym!! WOW! Yeah..that's all about it. That's as interesting as it gets. Other than that, its just me rotting away at home. I was even hardly on the phone! Hmm...supermassiveblackhole. I think that's what this really is. Things have been kinda slumpy for me lately. I wonder why. The past few weeks, the school that i always relief at hardly called me. Is it because of the times i told them i could not make it? Well...friday surely pissed them off. They called, i told them yes. 10 minutes later, i told them i could not cause i thought i had to go all the way down to the east side of this island to get something that was really important for later that day. Oh well....

Well, sitting at home all day surely sucked like hell. Guess i really missed the army. Hell, i missed the army even before i enlisted. How about that? Anyways, i got this letter sort of thing from Community Chest. It's about this disabled boy(if you were to call them special, then i guess those OTHER special children are sort of disabled too?). He wants to be a soldier. WEll...what can i say about this boy? He only wants to know one thing and experience it for himself. Honour. Yes. Honour. I mean, how many people ever wanted to be a soldier when they were little? Its just like aspiring to be a murderer or something of that sort. Might as well call them twisted lil' bastards cause thats what they probably are. WEll, except that when they kill its for their country, their countrymen and blah blah blah...yada yada yada. Thats same old song again...Shittles, i digressed again...hmm, where was i? Oh yeah, that kid wants to know what honour feels like.

Honestly, if you were to serve, you couldnt find it anywhere. Trust me. Everyone's in it for the wrong reason. There are those few who are in it cause their personal believes. But yeah...Its just a tiny little fraction out of the thousands and millions of gigantic bastards. That's how we fare my little boy....

Hmm.....what the hell am i even writing about? Guess boredom plus blogspot.com sure is a great way of snoozing thru things.

Toodles!

Wow! Its been a long time since i've written anything. A month or so? Yeah..guess so. The last entry was on March 28. Yeah...that is a very very long time.

So what have i been up to? Well...practicallly the same thing i was up to before the army. Im practically aimless...clueless...yeah, without a doubt about it. Well, maybe there is some consolation to that. Im attending rugby training(on-off thingy) and getting my bike license pretty soon =) Yeah, cant wait for that. Im teaching too(giving tuition and SOMETIMES doing relief teaching). Most of the time, im with my sayang. =)

I've been kinda missing the army lately. Guess there's this big empty void that i need to fill up. 2 years ago, the army did just that. While everyone bitched and moaned about it, i relished every single moment of it. It has its ups and downs too. But its because of the downs that i bounced up to the ups even higher and enjoyed the fruits of it(it tastes much more sweeter). 4 overseas trips in just 2 years. Damn...the only overseas that i ever went to before that was just across the causeway. And that's about 5 years ago before the army. See how pathetic that is???

Well, im not patronizing the army or anything but i really had fun and i miss that. The challenge, waking up every morning know that you have something to do, knowing that you would always have enough and the experiences that you gathered, i gathered. It was amazing!

Now, there's rugby to fill up that void(the one about the challenge and thrills). But ya...i've got to learn how to better manage my time now. Guess not everyone understands why im so...hmm...(i cant think of any good words to use right now so im just going to go with obsessed) yea obsessed with rugby. Before that was the army and the things that i do in the army. Its within my comfort zone. There's challenge, there's thrills and there's loads of other people who are in it because they want to be in it.

Hmm...how i wish this knee of mine would get better sooner. Its kinda frustrating to just sit around. Well...maybe this aimlessness feeling that im getting wont be so prominent when i start school....hopefully it wont.

Hmm..its been a long time since i've wrote. To those who's been coming to my blog religiously to check whether i've written anything new, i would like to apologize. Procastination is mainly to blame for. And time spent away from the computer is something that's not true. Yeah...games, games and more games. Trying to take like as slow as i can for now. Bout' 4 more months till i enroll into NTU. 4 years(maybe 5 if masters withing reach) and im done with proper education. Hmm..wonder how that would feel like. Sayang's already experienced that. Job hunting's a bitch to begin with. Hopefully, she'd get a good job soon and end all worries =) Dun worry ya, one is on the way sayangg =)

Teaching has been really demanding actually. You're juggling between educating, disciplining, politics and what nots. Damn...like i've said before, its just like being in the army. All except that my men are now children. I dont wear green. And i dont have to associate myself to any superiors(many times have the principals of the schools came into my class without me recognizing them or their authority. Hehs. Sorry guys). But many people still wonder, why are there endless supply of teachers? There's quite a few of peers who didnt seem to quite make it for their A lvls. When i asked them what's next? They would say "NIE lor....what else is there?" Hmm..it got me wondering, is teaching a last resort for many? Issit because they got nowhere else to go that they decided that teaching is their forte? Is the govt really taking on people like this? If so...that means our new batch of teachers are nowhere near the standard that they should be? I know, i know. Im making a fucking biased statement here. But it was just what i was thinking you know? Im sure all of you have got your own sets of thinking so dont be a bitch about what i've said, okay? It's just an opinion. Wont hurt anybody, im damn sure of it(unless the govt decided to peek into what i've wrote and seriously considered what i said. Then, im sorry guys)

Well, one things for sure, lecturers at universities surely arent cheap shots that were hired off the streets. Coz if they were, then the fees that im paying are simply outrageously ridiculous. Im seriously hoping for knowledge nirvana(in other words, learning new things at a stressful pace that i become numb to any sort of pain). Oh well, lets just take it as it is...

Hmm...cant wait for the rugby match tmr. hehehehehehes

By now, i would probably be one of those 'netizens' to bitch about this mas selamat character. What a colourful character he is? Of all countries...he decided to terrorize singapore. Dumbass!! What could he possibly hope to achieve by doing so? I dont see any gains from it. Monetary gains? Hahahhaa..nonsense. One step closer to wiping out "infidels" like what his leaders are preaching to him? Hohohohoho....how i wish he really knew what was going on. They gain wealth..shit, they have a shitload to begin with anyway. What about dumbasses like this selamat fella? His family have barely anything to eat to begin with! And yet, he's partaking in such activites that not only harms the society but his very own family to begin with!

Haiz..how screwed up can he be? How screwed up can we humans be? Hmm...ever heard about the book of relevations? Doesnt matter which religion you're in, every single book(there's 4 to begin with okay?) says that the world will eventually come to an end. But then, in our great arrogance, we decided that whatever god throws at us, we will always have a solution to it. damn....gotta reconsider things. Gotta...urm...damn...i forgot the right word to use! Shit..getting old.......

Speaking of which, time really flies past. Me and my buddy..we caught up last night...in the middle of a road, literally. Sitting on a bench in the middle of the road....we just realized just how fast time rreally really flew by. DAmn...2 years of my life gone just like that! I still rmb him mocking me in sec 1. Got back at him every other year. Hehehehs...i goddamn evil, i noe....sometimes i wish i was just turning 13. IM 21 already!!! 9 more years and i'll be 30! shit!!!!

Oh well, lets do what im good at then...go with the flow........