My Sundays are getting boring by the week. It's like I don't have a life anymore. I know i know..you all just can't wait to agree with me on it; rejoicing at the fact that you are right..right? Yeap..i know my demographics (:

Anyway, the only "exciting" that I have got going on is my Sunday night rides back to school. Music blasting my ear and throttling my bike to full throttle reaching speeds in excess of whatever the speed limit is supposed to be. Well, at least I'm getting work done. That's how i'm going to tell my kids (if i have any) how my uni life is going to be. God damn boring! hahahah! Well, it's not as if I have that much money to splurge on anyway. I'm going to save up for something.

Sometimes i wish that I hadn't done so well for my studies so that I get to be across the road and wait (fervently)  for the 12th of every month. At least i've got money to spend...even if it's quite little too. Impulsive spending does seem quite tempting. Buy the damn thing and then figure out how i'm going to survive for the rest of the month or even the rest of my life as a bankrupt.

Anyway, there's nothing annoying me much now. Just the fact that I'm rather irritated with the number of foreigners that we have in this small island. Imagine the number of Ahtiongs ( I still remember how my professor asked me about the whole ahtiong thing during a bloody lecture! hahahahha!) I met today. I panicked for awhile thinking that I was somewhere further (way up) North and had forgotten to bring my passport. Is it just me or is there really way too many of them?

Anyway, the sem is moving way too fast for me. In just a couple of weeks time, Year 2 AKA my sophomore year will be over! The term in a blink of an eye is merely an understatement. In fact, it is an understatement to call it an understatement! Whoa!!!! Well, let's just say that not all has been good. Wish it had. But then, perhaps, God has got other plans for me. Plans that he has yet to reveal to me. Well, hopefully, I get to see what he has in store for me. It is my life after all.

*Starts praying for a sign*
Nopes.
A middle finger is not a sign that I was looking for.

It's a rather nice place where I am right now. It's very quiet with no distraction save for this. I just feel like writing about it even though I have something to write out i.e. A case study. But that can wait.

I feel rather at peace with my self right now. A view to die for. A nice comfy chair. And practically, nothing to worry about- not even examinations. I guess this is what I feel each time I get to witness this amazing even going on. Despite a the tree line blocking the view a little, it is still worthwhile. Such is the beauty of magic hour.

Each time it comes, I'd have to be somewhere to view it lest I'd be restless. I have to be there to witness the change. It doesn't matter if I do not get to be the one to effect the change because being a witness is enough to be a part of it all.

Light turns to darkness. I hate it when it's night. There's simply nothing to look forward to anymore. 2 years in the army meant that whenever darkness rolled in, it was time for me to play. Literally. Well everybody's knocked out cold, we'd be out there fighting the "enemy". Well, finding rather than fighting them actually. Each step we made could either lead us to victory or our demise. The best part was, nobody knew which way our each step could lead us to. We simply did the best to our abilities and hoped for the best. Faith, Hope and Glory.

It's not that simple anymore now. Night only means that I'm tired(hopefully) enough to fall asleep. I am no night bird and I can sleep almost anywhere literally. I am much worse than a banglah in that sense. But on my bed, sleep comes hard for me. In the comfort of my own home, I do not feel comfortable at all. But out there, out in the field, where it is seemingly dangerous, I am extremely comfortable. Where I can lie down is where I can sleep.

What it used to be

What it is right now

The week has been rather tiring. Although, it's really contradicting of me to say that there is still a lot of gas left in the tank. Hahahaha! Anyway, I've been waking up feeling especially tired. How not to when my body would only me to fall asleep around 3am everyday. It's usually work after work after work till around 1 in the morning before I decide to retire for the day. Even when I do, my body just refuses to fall asleep. Furthermore, I am especially "high" during the evenings. Perhaps that's why I'm able to do all those things in the gym.

List of things that I have "accomplished" in the gym
Bench Press: 90 Kg
Deadlifts: 120Kg
Bent-over rows: 80KG
Pull ups: 12 with 10kg dumbbell hanging(20 without)
Leg press: 140kg still can't do squats :(
Bicep curls: 20kg dumbbells
Dips: 50 reps in one go
Push ups: 25 reps with 20kg plate on my bag (leg propped up on a bench)

So yeah, that's a list of my "conquest". It's rather mundane..i know. But other than school and work, there's really not much going on in my life right now. SO i'd make do with what I have and turn it into something that I actually enjoy. So, my days have been quiet alright lately. Nights are a different ball game altogether.

Work has really taken up a lot of my time. Monday and Wednesday nights plus Saturday mornings are extremely enjoyable. I know SOME people are saying that I'm no teacher. Believe me, I am. And Im no poor excuse for a teacher either. So what if I'm not in NIE?! At least, If i do go there, it's really by choice and not the lack of it. Crap, distracted by crap again.

Anyway, it's really taking up a lot of my time. Perhaps, I have bitten off more than I can chew? A lot of people have been telling me that. Or rather, they have been pretty unsure if i can successfully manage my time. Well, I'm the sort of person whom loves to prove others wrong. Most of the time (close to almost), I will be able to achieve just that.

It's like on one mission. Being pinned downed by "enemy fire". Despite my PC telling me not to, I went on ahead and capture those MGs. I simply told my 2IC," Eh, take care of them!" and then disappeared into the mountains. 1 down! 2 down! Alas, the safety controllers reprimanded us from using the captured machine guns. What a wet blanket! Even someone from the Spec Ops was impressed by what I did. This was all done after my superiors told me, " Fadzil, don't be crazy! You can't go alone one!!" They keep telling me this despite being unable to advance. Frustration got the better of me as I went ahead with that. Hahahaha. They did't reprimand me for my "acts of insubordination" only because they were not sure what to say.

Anyway, the more someone tells me to not do something, the more will I want to do it. Kinda like how my primary school teachers looked down on me for my terrible academic performanc( I still have yet to thank them for that. PFFFFFFFFT!) I can't believe they put the incompetents on the pedestal and pushed me aside thinking that I was dumb or something. Hhahaha. I proved them wrong.

In secondary school, people thought i was one of those "nice" people. Ones that they could pick on and stuff like that. Well, I joined the rugby team and the rest is history. They thought I was going to end up in ITE or NIE. I proved them wrong.

Everyone thought I was going to fail my A lvls. Well, I know I was kicked out from JC after just 2 years. Well, at least they kicked me out with a decent A lvl result. Those who looked down on me, are nowhere in sight. At least they didn't double the required years spent in JC. (Please note, MI is a different story altogether because it is a different kind of institution. Cant compare one with the other. It's like comparing a Bus to a Tombstone.( NO PUN INTENDED HERE!))

Right now, I'm out to prove others wrong by that I do have enough time. Maybe just not for myself.

I can't believe im spewing out rubbish so early in the morning. HELLO WORLD!

Adeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeekkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk!
;)

If you think I MIGHT be referring to you, you're probably right!

Question: WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?!

Touting yourself as an undergrad. DOOD!! I bet you received a long service award for what you did and then still have the cheek to tout yourself as an "undergrad"? HUH?!?!?! That is very very insulting to all of us who actually worked our butt off to get where we are. Worse part is, you pretend that you or your father owns the bloody compound WHEN YOU DON'T EVEN PAY A SINGLE CENT FOR IT'S USE?!

Listen, the world doesnt owe you a living contrary to your skewed mentality. If anything, you owe the whole world a living. Better yet, you owe the world your life.

If it's a fight you're looking for, you've got it! I'm not hiding from anything. So stop pretending that you're not looking for one when you're actually hiding from me.

The only reason that ANYONE can come out with for that mentally unsound anger of yours is this: the love isn't returned! heck..the love isn't even felt! So quite being a pussy and complaining to the individual's parents and getting them on your side with pathetic, fake, lame tears of yours. Nobody can see through that but I can!

I have never known an airhead that is so selfish that they'd rather sacrifice the live of other's for your own fucking happiness. You do not deserve even an inch of it. So quite walking around tall because I've never seen anyone so short in my life before. Even a jellyfish has got more spine than you. Even an 11 year old kid has got more guts then you.

You want a fight. You've got it! Come find me fucking fishfuck!

Apparently, it was my niece's birthday yesterday. It took all the effortless nagging (a special ability that my mom has) of my mom to make me go there. I just didn't feel like going especially with the possibility of them interrogating me for details which I really do not feel like sharing. Thankfully, nobody asked me anything about what happened. Maybe my mom did a pre-emptive strike and told them not to? I wouldn't know. By the time I (eventually) got there, they were all packing up and half the family had already gone home. Phew!

Then, came another unjoyous event- Soccer! Well, Manchester United VS Chelsea to be exact. Apparently, it was the clash of the titans as Man U was first in the table whereas Chelsea was 2nd. It was (I'm not going to admit this if you ask me) rather entertaining. The two goals that Chelsea scored was rather fixed. The whole time I watched the match made me realize that the match may have been fixed. I bet all those soccer fans (those who can just shout at how bad those players are without realizing that they are probably worst off in soccer) are agonizing at how bad the refereeing was. Well, I disagree! The ref was simply amazing!!!

The number of times KELONG! was shouted could probably make up for the birthrate that we need in order to replace the outgoing generation. I couldn't agree more for the number of bad calls that the referee made. Or were they?

Let me explain further with questions.
1) Somebody has got to win right?
2) Would anyone still watch the EPL if Man U who was at the top of the table won?
3) Wouldn't it be more entertaining to watch Man U struggle?
4) Didn't Man U scored off a handball?
5) Wouldn't it be more entertaining to watch teams fight out for the top spot after realizing that MAN u can actually be taken down?
6) Wouldn't it sustain viewership if Man U lost?

Somehow, those questions didn't come out as well as I thought of them. I guess what my teachers have told me all along is probably true. I just can't seem to express what I'm thinking or feeling pretty well. Especially not in writing. But I've found a perfect way to overcome them all- through my actions. There has never been a day that my actions have lied. If you think that they are, you've probably misread them. It all comes right from the heart.

Gory gory what a helluva way to die....

I do not know how someone can be so intent on destroying me. It can only mean one thing- whatever they're doing is out of spite. Might as well go invade a country and claim that you're looking for weapons of mass destruction in the name of world peace.

I've had enough of these childish escapades that people have on my space. I have my thoughts which are superior in comparison to others. So why try to impose yours when no soul wants to even hear-much less listen to it? It's really pointless what people can be doing these days. Feeling so accomplished with so little..

They can say that they're just being grateful with what God has given them. But really? If that is the case, I really shouldn't be doing anything because God is going to be giving them to me anyway right? This aren't my thoughts but thoughts others are trying to impose onto me.

I have always believe that I have to do my best in everything that I do. Sadly, I'm not living up to my own ideals these days. How to when one's heart is heavy and mind is constantly thinking. Sleep has not been coming easy for me nowadays. I try and try- i'd end up being a salad being tossed and turned in bed. IT really stinks.

I guess, some people can just be so manipulative that the others are not able to see through that. WEll i can! And because of such manipulation, the truth has to remain hidden- no matter how painful it gets. How is that being fair to others?

The world does not owe anyone a living. If you're espcially screwed up, the more the world doesn't owe you a living at all. Heck! The world doesn't owe you anything at all- its the other way around! PRetty soon, they'd find themselves in over their head from all that pretending and bullshit that they've called thinking having imposed them onto the minds of many.

I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. It's like nothing that I do is worth anything anymore. Nothing that I did worths anything anymore.

It's really time to walk the talk and not just talk the walk. Words are cheap especially these days with high-inflation rates known as bullshit. It's really not fair that when one is going down, they've decided to drag an innocent soul down with them. That, my friend, is pure evil.

How happy is the blameless vestal's lot!
The world forgetting, by the world forgot.
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!
Each prayer accepted, and each wish resigned

Blessed are the forgetful: for they get the better even of their blunders

I’m going to smile and make you think I’m happy, I’m going to laugh, so you don’t see me cry - Im going to smile

Dear God,

I cannot take this anymore.
If I have done something so gravel wrong, please tell me,
so that I know that I'm being punished.

Please go easy on me, for you have a greater punishment that awaits me in the thereafter,
Tell me what I did wrong so I know that I'm being punished,
Tell me what I did wrong so that I know how to repent,
Tell me what I did wrong so that I know how I should change.

I simply cannot take this anymore,
I'm walking yet I'm dead,
I don't want to lose my faith in you,
or the religion that you have sent to me from above.

If I simply do not deserve happiness, tell me,
so that I know what I should do to end all these,
Tell me what is my purpose on this earth,
Tell me how I should get there to the point of final destination.

Dear God,
If you have no wish for me to be on this earth anymore,
please take me away already,
for the only pain that will hurt greater than this,
is the pain that you will deal with me in the thereafter.

Amin

If you find yourself in love with a person who does not love you, be gentle with yourself. There is nothing wrong with you. Love just didn't choose to rest in the other person's heart.

Life seems to be quite a mess right now. I don't remember myself falling asleep watching TV at 10pm when I've got work to do ever. Professors are starting to ask about my whereabouts. And I thought they didn't know who I was. Well, guess I've left the wrong impression on them. I've got shit loads of readings yet to be done but no capacity to address such grievances.

In short, life's just a big pool of mess right now.

Sometimes, you can't despite wanting to want to know

It's just so me to do everything with my heart. I don't do something simply because someone wants me to do it. Well, perhaps they have influenced me to do so. But at the end of the day, if I do not find the value-addedness of something, I'd either do a slipshod work out of it or I'd not do it at all. I don't know if one is to classify that as a problem or a admirable trait. It doesn't matter because at the end of the day, I still feel that doing something sincerely will win no matter the odds that are stacked against me.

That said, when one tries to convince me out of doing something, the more I will want to prove them wrong; proving to them that it IS possible after all. The only way to show for it is to actually succeed in it.

Right now, it is difficult to put what I feel, what I know into writing. I guess, I have always been the "prove-it-through-my-actions" kind of person. I am sure that there are many others just like me out there. After all, one must always practice what they preach right? Anything short of that can (I suppose) conveniently be classified as hypocrisy. In simple terms: do walk the talk/ put the money where your mouth is/ bla bla bla/ na na na na na.

I still do not know how to go about posting a video on my space. So I guess I'm going to stick to putting up the links to these two videos which I feel are slowly shaping me into the person I'm supposed to be.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FAgbZdrWiN4&feature=fvst
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d5QD951eN58

For me, there exists two different people within a person. The person that they are, the person that they are supposed to be. Everyday, there's a deadly battle going on between those two within each and every of us. Some may demonize it. Some embrace it.

At the end of the day, I'd always stand corrected.

When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained

I'm not liking this at all. The further I go about doing this, the stronger the question gets. Everyone asks this questions time and time again. Some have forgotten to ask this question- they grew ignorant. Some asks, and then they ask what can they possibly do about it- and so they forget. Some ask, and keeps asking but don't do anything about it- others are still finding a way to do something about it. I ask, and am frustrated. I just wish there was something that I could do. Something that would end it all. The question?

What the fuck is going on in this world?

Lately, the main thing that has filled my mind is rugby. When I talk, I'd talk about rugby. When I sleep, I'd sometimes dream about rugby. When I eat, I eat because I've got rugby later on. It's rugby, rugby, rugby. It seems like this passion is slowly turning into an obsession.

But then, with all that I've gone(and possibly still going through), it seems to be the only thing that's keeping me, well, sane. I honestly can think of how I can live without it. Right now, it's one of the thing that keeps me smiling. Well, that and gym. But then, me going to the gym is because of rugby. It's a really good feeling to hear people complementing about how I look, how I play nowadays. It seems countless hours at the gym seems to be paying off indeed.

The gym is like playground to me. It's the only place that I feel real comfortable- having no inhibitions about anything. I have no worries..because once I do start worrying about something, it's time for me to get out. Each day at the gym is me taking on new (controlled) challenges. The day I broke into lifting over the 100kg range, i was extremely proud of myself. That was when I was 17. 7 years later, I'm slowly going back to that state.

No. Im not so much of a narcissist so I'm not really intending of building muscles and looking good. Those are just by-products of my hard work. The real intention is to grow stronger, faster and better at practically anything. But being 17, I was naive enough(or perhaps, lazy would be a better word) to believe that lifting weights was all I needed. National service shocked me into running as I failed my first IPPT in NS due to my 2.4km run. Can you imagine?? My timing was 12.36!!! Even the scrawniest of guys could run way faster that I did. But like anything else, it could be trained. And so I did. I managed to shave off more than a minute off my timing in just a couple of weeks by just taking part of the program. A couple months later, I was able to clock a sub-50mins for a 10klick run. On top of that, I was the still the go to guy for lifting heavy stuff. A 32 klick march saw me running most of the time, leaving the rest of the platoon trailing behind-half of which laughed at me when I timed at 12.36. Ahhhh! It feels so great to prove everybody wrong. This has nothing to do with me having an ego(or a big one for that matter).

Everyone deserves to feel good about their selves. That said, that cannot happen all the time either. There is always a balance to be found in everything that we do. If we chiong for only one thing, we'll soon find other aspects of our lives slowly fading or trailing away. It's a yin-yang situation our everyday lives. Can't do without this, can't do without that either. But then, it sometimes stretches us- too much sometimes that we're way past our breaking point. Personally, reaching a breaking point is a horrible thing to reach. What more when you go way past it? It's like even after reaching rock bottom, you'd realize that you can still sink further.

But, like everyone, I learn from my mistakes. I'd try to make up for it if I can. But if I can't i'll try to do something else like rugby. No one will truly understand why I choose rugby and stick to it till now. My secondary school teammates have all dropped rugby since they left secondary school. Only a quarter of my JC mates are still playing rugby. But each time they ask me whether I'm still playing- they'd expect me to say yes. For them, me saying that I've already stopped would be a real shocker as though they expect rugby to be part of me forever. Maybe it will...

My parents didnt like the idea of me playing rugby. From day one, they have protested and even staged strikes by not going to every finals that I've ever played. The finals of 2001 really crushed my heart when my parents decided that it wasn't an important enough event. Yet, each and everyone of my brother's fights were important enough for my parents to even take time off from work to attend. My grandparents clearly HATED the fact that I played rugby. The only reason that they gave me is that it's a very dangerous sport. Well, which sport isnt?

I guess, nobody will ever agree with me playing rugby- other than my teammates that is. But then again, no team is permanent. And my teammates are ever changing. So how?

I have come to the conclusion that my subjective account of my motivation is largely mythical on almost all occasions. I don't know why I do things

It seems that my blog has been sorta "popular" lately. I've been getting remarks by strangers whom I haven't the slightest clue who made those comments. I guess, the slightest amount of courtesy one could show would be to at the very least identify oneself because, honestly, anonymity annoys. If you dare to say something, do be daring enough to stand by your words at least. This isn't a declaration of insecurities of any form but then, if it's a (verbal) joust one is asking for, the gentlemanly thing would to at least make your presence known- whoever you are.

The week has been extremely hectic. I've been living deadlines after deadlines. Essays, presentations, weekly assignments...sigh. My workload has been piling up and left untouched. Right now, a shit load of readings awaits me.

Oh wells...life is already as shitty as it is. I just pray to God that it just doesn't get any worse. Right now, the FFL seems extremely tempting.

Wish there was someone to talk to right now...

I'm not going to say anything at the moment for fear of making things worse.

But one thing's for sure is if it's true, why does one have to force it anyway? I mean, destiny is destiny after all. Fate is fate.

No amount of human/mortal effort can possibly change it.

It might just result in unintended (terrible)consequences.

I need a pick me up real bad now

There is no map, there are no signs,
We're on our way, we're crossing lines
Strap on your boots, go pack your bags,
No time to rest, no time to lag,

And you know, everyone here has been invited to go
Whoa oh whoa oh oh
And you know, we're on our way,
Into the unknown, into the unknown, into the unknown
whoa oh whoa oh oh

It's alright, it's alright
It's alright we can travel by the moonlight
It's alright, it's alright
It's alright we can travel through the twilight
It's alright, it's alright
It's alright we can travel by the moonlight
It's alright, it's alright
It's alright we can travel through the twilight

This life is good, the road is clear,
It's time to shift into high gear
Everything we're passing fades,
It's what inside our hearts that stays

And you know, everyone here has been invited to go
Whoa oh whoa oh oh
And you know, we're on our way,
Into the unknown, into the unknown, into the unknown
whoa oh whoa oh oh

It's alright, it's alright
It's alright we can travel by the moonlight
It's alright, it's alright
It's alright we can travel through the twilight
It's alright, it's alright
It's alright we can travel by the moonlight
It's alright, it's alright
It's alright we can travel through the twilight
It's alright, it's alright
It's alright we can travel by the moonlight
It's alright, it's alright
It's alright we can travel by the moonlight

Travel by the moonlight
Travel by the moonlight

Once again, something that I've invested so much in has failed to yield anything. I bet the first thing can comes to your mind when I say invest is, "yeS! Money!!" Well, that's partially true only because you need money to do something. Well, you need money to do anything actually. Prayers won't fill your stomach because if they do, those people at the mosque won't be asking for donations.

Everything felt dead wrong right from the start. Sure there were a lot of people who came down to support the team. Sadly, there were no familiar ones. I searched high and low..even right after making that awesome tackle on the "elusive" runner. But, no one. This was despite the promise made. I know right after reading this, someone's going to tell me off saying that there was no promise made. But that's besides the point. I've always been the kind of person who needs someone to support. Even the words, "Go Fadzil!" might mean a surge of inspiration (the higher the pitch, the better)for me to play on. I remember the last time this happened, I won a 200m race despite being the one to trail the pack at the halfway mark.

Alas, there were things that were of higher importance(or impotence as a result). I know I'm just being emo. Just felt like penning my thoughts out. I was just looking out for that someone....

The more I played the game, the more I felt like I was in a quicksand. MY greatest fear has come true once more. The last that happened was in SUNIGs when we played NUS in the 7s finals. Everything was going great than one mistake happened. And then came another and another. The harder I try to rectify, the worse it becomes. IT's a helpless sinking feeling which I felt again once more. The harder I try, the more I do, the faster I sink. The worse part is, There was simply no way I could get out of it. I panicked. I feared. Everyone leaned on me and I crumbled. The only way I was going to get out of that one was to ride the whole thing out.

By then, I've already given up hope of a familiar face. I've shaken off the fact that I cannot depend on anyone right when I need it the most. I don't need a loud cheer. I don't need much. Just a smile and your belief could have turned the tides. There was none. They were all strangers to me. Every single one of them.

Gives me one more reason why I want to join some faraway army so much.

This sucks like fuck

Tomorrow shall be on the biggest day in my life yet. Yet, I still have tons of work to do. Rightfully, I should be home right now, enjoying myself free from worries. I guess that's the juggle that I have to make and make do with what I've got. University is certainly not for everyone.

Yet, I don't understand how most NIE student can claim that they're so busy that they are unable to commit themselves with other things. Things that can actually help them. It's kinda sad you know. You're neighbors, the undergrads, are slugging it out with their daily lives and yet you hardly hear anyone complain about having not enough time. This plus the fact that they have are at a much higher disadvantage because they are indeed spending their own money( well, their parents actually), not get paid and still are able to do things such as rugby, work to earn money, school work and have some time with their friends. It's just so sad....

On another note, it takes quite a lot for someone to make me hate them. Well, not hate but actually insurmountable level of despise. Yeap. That seems to be fitting enough. It's kinda like failing in the SAF: you actually have to really really try in order to fail. Well, when I hold that level against you, you can say that it's safe bet that you did something really really wrong. It can actually come to the point that even when you're dying, I'd just not bother. No. It's not that I have lost my sense of humanity. It's just that I do not treat you as one anymore.

Okay. Enough of that angst. Right now, life is just about meeting deadlines. It's a seriously terrible life. One essay after another. One presentation after another. I do not know why I did not carry out my strategy of doing the first few presentations. Guess, I just can't really be bothered anymore with school-really. Perhaps, I'm just going through motion-one day at a time. Well, whatever it is, it's working because the semester seems to be really zooming past me at light speed.

Anyway, I guess one of the greatest achievement I have made so far this year was to actually get my driver's license within a time period of less than 2 months, no more than 10 lesson with one being on the day of the test and spending less than $500 :):):):):):):)! I simply couldn't be happier.

Well, tomorrow shall see if this year is indeed going to be my year or not. It's been such a long time since I've played a full rugby finals. That means that it's the traditional 15s rugby, not 7s or 10s or 12s or touch rugby for that matter. The last I played in such a final was in 2001. And we won! It's been almost 10 years since than. Time to add another Gold medal to what seems to be an already packed medal/trophy case to my collection.

Those who hate big ships will detest everything that she represents

I am so overwhelmed that my attempts of penning my thoughts down gets bogged down

I am just thinking(out loud)

Love does not exist. It is a scam brought down to earth by mythical forces to screw with us mere mortals. If you thought about it carefully, it has only brought us humans nothing but pain and misery. It is unquantifiable which makes it non-empirical. It is not explainable that makes it irrational.

Hate, on the other hand, exists freely in this world. Usually, people use the word love instead of hate to describe what it is that they are truly feeling. Hate is rational and quantifiable. A murder is an act of killing because of hate. And murders have different degrees. So does assault. It can range from mild to serious. You can either be the accomplice or the instigator. To say that one killed in the name of love is a fallacy. One only kills because of hate of the victim. A victim is still a victim no matter what the consequences. It does not matter if you 'accidentally' killed the person in self-defence but the fact that the person died in your act of self-defence makes him/her the victim of the crime. Crime of passion? That passion is filled with hate.

Hate makes us humans do crazy things(If you still want to call it love, by all means). However, all our acts are the result of rational and logical planning carried out in the name of, you've guessed it, love. Hate makes us plan for it. What happens next can also be explained in full detail. Lawyers and judges will definitely agree with me on this. The act of hate can be fully described in full details. To say it is an act of love is simply irrational; therefore it can be outrightly rejected.

Some might describe love as "butterflies in the stomach". It must be something they ate because nervousness causes the bowels to relax- hence the phrase, " you scared the shit out of me". So what a person is really feeling is a tinge of fear-not love. If you feel giddy, it's because you haven't eaten. But once you have, you'd get that butterfly thing which will result in the flight of brown, elongated "butterflies".

GAHHH!!! I am lost for words now. My train of thoughts has already ended it's service. Feel free to rebuke my claims. I am, after all, thinking out loud.

Thoughts from my rides

Are you willing to believe that love is the strongest thing in the world - stronger than hate, stronger than evil, stronger than death

I guess when push comes to shove, I'd retreat into the abyss. Far away from those who ever cared or still cares about me. I don't know why but sometimes I find the fact that people worrying about me rather, urm, strange(for the lack of a better word). I'm more used to worry about people or rather care for them and then not have it reciprocated. I learnt that as a rugby captain, I learnt that as a commander and right now, I am not learning otherwise despite the fact that I should.

My parents have given me the ultimate form of freedom any child could ever hope for. Even my brothers do not receive such treatment. Although, sometimes, it does feel as if they're just neglecting me. Sometimes, I do appreciate it especially during times when I do need to be alone(hope that that partially explains the reason why I sleep in my own room).

Generally, it results me in treating others in a lousy manner. Me not caring that they care is very selfish of me. I know. The fact that I would do exactly the opposite that anyone would tell me to do proves it all. This may sound weird but people asking me to smoke tends to make me feel obligated to do so. To me, smoking is something that you do along with something else- like having a chat over coffee.

Argh! I just have a real difficult time explaining myself. Every time I try to do so, it'll end up in unintended consequences. Though lately, I do find myself behaving rather erratically. Imagine this, I get agitated each time I wake up from a nap(not counting those I'd take while doing my work in school). I'd get pissed easily so in order not to anger anyone, I'd take the easy way out- not talking to anyone. Best part about it, I don't even know why I'm pissed most of the time. But from the way I talk, I'm sure people would be able to tell that I am.

And about school. Don't get me started on it. I just seem to motivate myself to be even bothered with school. But then again, I do feel rather happy in school in the company of others. But when it's time to leave, it's a different story altogether. I guess, me being sentimental about things can affect me greatly.

I can safely say that I am not the same anymore. I used to be this person who would not run away from problems but would rather stay for the fight even it means my own demise. No, that's not just an excuse that I'd give to my instructors in the army just because I can't clock a decent timing for my runs(unless that run is required in order for me to complete my mission then that would be a different case already since I am chionging to my fight). These days, I'd choose to lay low instead. I don't know why I'm like that now.

Why am I running? What am I running away from? What am I running towards?
It's all wearing me down.

I still think that the non-existence of a few people would really benefit the whole world

I found myself watching a taekwondo match (or as "professionals" call it, a bout) after finishing up at the gym. It made me realize one thing- I miss fighting. I remember growing up on a healthy dose of sparring sessions. Too much of it sometimes. It didn't matter if I had to go all the way down to Cairnhill CC just to get a few rounds of fighting because it was all worth it. Right now, most of you might think of me as a really violent person. Then again, if you see me, I have the calmest look among everyone else. Then again, a calm body of water is usually infested with crocodiles,alligators,buaya..(you get what I'm trying to say here).

Reviewing the videos of past matches made me realize a couple of things. Firstly, I run funny. And im staring at a girl right now (071358) digging her nose RIGHT infront of her BF right now. hahahaha! Disgusting bitch! Anyway...the way I run could perhaps be attributed to the fact that my shoulder has be taped on so as to immobilize it. How I wish this damn shoulder injury would just go away. In fact, how I wish that ALL my injuries would go away! Every single on of them.

Secondly, people have commented that when I do get into contact, I'm like a warthog. I suppose that's a compliment because everytime I do get into contact (due to the lack of passing options), I'd get at least 10-20 meters. The best part of it all, I'd even retain the ball and I'm not even the biggest one on the team(or the pitch). Perhaps it could be the way that I was trained when I started out with the ONLY sport for guys(all other sports are not sports but simply recreational activities). First thing my coach told me was to take the ball and smash through their defenses. Whenever I was caught, I would instinctively place the ball where it should be. And then bla bla bla...yada yada yada. I know this is all boring you all. It bores me to even write this out! hahahahha!

Anyway, I need to fight again. I've got a lot of anger pent up inside me. A bit of fighting would really help.

somebody give me a sign, that everything's going as planned

Life's getting tiring for me. Too tiring perhaps. Lately, I just want to do nothing but do nothing at all. That plus sleep(I can hear all the sleep lovers rejoicing at this fact and celebrating it already). But that's not who I am really. Sleep is something that I do at the end of the night because I'm tired from an awesome day. Lately, everyday is just a drag to me. The fact that it passes by so quickly doesn't help either because at the end of each day, I feel rather unaccomplished.

Right now, school has a rather calming effect on me. The night breeze plus the occasional vehicle passing by amidst the peace feels rather welcoming. In fact, I do not mind sleeping on the benches in school tonight either. Being at home feels rather suffocating now. The sweltering heat courtesy of the El Nino effect is one of the main culprits to my suffocation at home. This plus the fact that there's always a commotion about nothing. The way my family talk things out can be rather noisy so much so that you might just think that you've found yourself in a bazaar or something.

I guess, when things goes to shit for me, I can always back away from it all and just take a ride out. But that's only a temporary solution for me. I need a permanent one. Migration perhaps? Yes! Right now, I feel that moving to a new environment would help me tremendously. A new life, a new start- away from it all. It's just too bad that I do not have the means to do so right now. That plus I have another 2 more goddamn years to finish before everyone(that being of my extended family) would see me as "successful". What would be succeeding in? What would have I accomplished? I do not see it right now. Perhaps, I will see it in time to come.

That said, I cannot be impulsive. Never was, never am. Everything to me has to be logical. Everything has to be rational. I have to have Plan A backed up with Plans B through D. And then I'd ask myself, "why do I even have these plans to begin with?" The process starts over again. I guess, that's my way of procrastinating. However, believe me when I say that when I have the means, I'd even make the seemingly impossible possible-effortlessly.

I need to find my center again. I can't help but to feel restless. The demons inside me are stirring up again. Rugby isn't going to help much since I've only left with 2 games this season- after which, I shall give my current boots a "proper burial" since it's time for it to go already. I should get myself a new pair soon.

Courage is the discovery that you may not win, and trying when you know you can lose

It's been quite awhile since I wrote anything here. Lately, I've been feeling rather uneasy about everything. The only thing that's keeping me going so far for now would be rugby. But yes, it seems that every little thing might annoy me. The worst part is, even though I have tons of things that needs to be done and I've practically done none, I'm not even worried about it? What's wrong with me? People are not the only one who's asking that question. Even I wonder sometimes. Well, most of the time actually.

It's really wearing me down having things which I can't really talk about. It's like I'm afraid to really open up to others. Who knows? Maybe by opening up comes hope. With hope comes disappointment(did I get the spelling right there? hehs). So by having no hope, I won't be disappointed. Just don't want to go through that process all over again. It's too tedious(for the lack of a better word).

But then, I just wish that I would have an avenue where I can share all these without having someone to judge me or anything of that sort. I'm not the most righteous person around. I am truly aware of that. In fact, the person who thinks himself/herself as righteous is probably a leftist(hehs). Half the things I know would/could destroy people's lives. Mine can probably be disregarded anyway.

Notice that half the things that are in my heart and in my head are never written here? I don't intend to write them anytime soon in view of unwanted guests who comes to read whatever I have to say and then get all pissed about it. They(some) then go on to threaten me with a good beating. Beating me up? You've got to be kidding me right? I mean, you can try, but I wouldn't know how to explain to your mom or the IO what I did was indeed self-defence.

I guess, I'm welled up with a lot of anger inside me. Honestly, I forgot what it was to feel again. I can't seem to recognize whether I'm happy, sad, or whatever it is that I'm supposed to feel at any particular moment. All I feel is anger..all the time. I just choose not to show it. It's like being set on fire- a slow one- and being cooked from inside out (perhaps a microwave analogy would be helpful).

BAhhhh!! Perhaps, all I need is an avenue to channel all this. Sure I have rugby to vent my anger on. But then, it's only temporary. I need a permanent solution to all this. Truthfully, I miss the Fadzil that I was.

Just do your best and leave the rest to me

This studying business is really getting to me. It's tiring, boring and mundane. What the hell was I thinking when I said I wanted to study some more. I'd rather do the routine that I did when I was in the army than this any given day. This is how the routine goes.

Morning
Run, Breakfast, Run some more, Shower, Lesson/Training, Nap

Afternoon
Lunch, Nap, Admin work, Nap, Training, Run

Evening
Dinner, Admin Work

Night
Last Parade, Admin work, Supper, Sleep

SEE HOW SUPER SHIOK THAT ACTUALLY IS? It sure beats studying. And on certain days, there will be outfield exercises that would stretch for days. Plus, I get to travel for free, meet new people and discuss with them of a better way to..urm..kill? Hehs

Guess life is pretty much boring to me now. So boring that I have nothing much to write. So, I shall show you a couple of pictures which brings a teeny weeny bit of excitement into my mundane life.

On Saturday, I had a physio to treat my injuries. My shoulder and my right shin/calf. I can't agree that I feel better now because my shoulder seems looser now and the pain in my shin/calf doesn't seem to be going away. But, dear old Uncle Sam was nice enough to gave me an ultrasound treatment which was supposed to speed up the recovery process. The lubricant that was use looked rather..urm..disgusting? It looks as if someone had dumped a load on my leg. Hahahahah

I think if my cat had red/orange fur, I'd call him Garfield. He's so bochap that all he does is to eat, sleep and then make a lot of nuisance so that he gets to eat again moments after he wakes up. So after I fed him, this is what he did. Lying down, literally, on my brother's bed(top bunk of a bunk bed). God knows how he got there seeing how lazy he actually is. And to lie down like that?

He looks angry here. Haahahahaha. Maybe because i tickled him using a stick in the sensitive area. Serves you right for disturbing my sleep and making my room smell like a toilet! Nonetheless, the bochapness in this cat is simply amusing.

So there you go, another day of my "exciting" life! I should probably get out and do something or else I might just die from boredom- really!

The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity

Yesterday was definitely one of the awesomest day I have ever had in my new year! New year as in since I turned 23. Guess things are finally looking up for me again.

How can it not be? After years of delay, I finally passed my driving license. So yeah, my driving license now is a real driving license after all! To top it off, I spent less than $500 which equates to 10 lessons. Out of that 10 lessons, lesson #10 was on the day itself and it was the first time that I learnt a lot of things. Guess I managed to pull of the (seemingly)impossible after all! Hopefully, a car will come along the way. Hehs.

Match against SMU simply topped it off! Cognitive liberation as I've come to know about it. Despite the odds stacked against us, we managed to pull it through after all. First time I was playing a game that I wasn't tired at all. The tiredness only came afterwards and spilled onto this morning. I simply did not want to get out of bed today. Plus my butt hurts like hell from that match. I'm still wondering how that happened.

On a side note, it's kinda sad that I have to come down to the point of hatred to someone just to make them realize what they are really doing. I guess, only with "drastics" can people realize something. Even then, there's simply no guarantee that they will- even if it kills them or that they simply get abandoned by people who truly cares about them.

No matter. Life goes on. I shall start crooning to I will survive more often then. Don't worry. Nobody will go deaf. The only time I sing is when I'm on the road after all.


The key to change... is to let go of fear

It's the eve of one of the most important day of my life..EVER! I don't understand how someone can just decide to step into my life, just for awhile, just to ruin it all for me.

Like the kids at Northlight, it's already hard enough for me. I wonder how someone can gleefully enter, ruin things for me, and then disappear once again. It's like they get a rush from it all. Guerrilla tactics rules the day I suppose.

Well, with each and everyday, my steps grows stronger as you're actions are futile against my strong and steady advancement. Like how you're actions have dealt a blow to me, I'll shall let you have a taste of your own medicine. This time around, I won't be the one to deal the blow nor shall I be around to soften it for you.

Don't come crawling to me just because something shitty comes around for you because I am as sure as hell that once it's over, there you go again. There is no justice in all that. For once, try to be a little less selfish and actually think about others. By the way, 2 people do not have to be in an intimate relationship for the two of them to be treating one another decently at least.

If what I'm saying here hurts, that's probably because it's all true.

Sometimes, i just wish that i could just pack up and disappear for awhile to a place of no worries; to a place with no concerns

How happy is the blameless vestal's lot!
The world forgetting, by the world forgot.
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!
Each prayer accepted, and each wish resigned

My idle mind got to the better of me. Ironically, it was when I was doing something which I view to be rather 'mechanical'. Yeah..stats. I hate it when everything just rewinds itself. It's like watching a dreadful horror flick(one that you wished that you had never watched) over and over again, like the DVD player is on some sort of demonic mission to rewind itself once the show is over and the remote is nowhere to be found. For the lack of better words, it sucks...really.

Being a middle child means having the middle child syndrome. It doesn't count if you have an age gap of almost a decade or so with your younger sibling. Symptoms of the syndrome includes having people to not understand you and then you doing them a favor of being difficult in opening up to them. It's never a one-way thing really. It's always two-ways. Even on the roads. If it was really a one-way street, then why do you still find people walking on the opposite direction? You can say that it only applies to motor-vehicles. Does it really? Or is it because we view it only as a one-way street only when we're in a certain situation such as that when we are commandeering a motor-vehicle? Soak it up into perspective people!

I know this is going to sound kinda gay but I can't be gay in comparison to people whom I know off! I was wondering through youtube when i stumbled upon videos of sclub7. I don't know how i got there because I remember i was browsing through A Day To Remember(awesome band! Look it up!) when the website loaded an Sclub7 video after one song ended. It kinda did me a back-to-to-past flashback as I was able to reminisce my secondary school days. It was all very vivid!

I remember waking up bright and early on Saturday mornings not for Saturday morning cartoons but for the Sclub7 tv show. Till this day, I have no idea why I woke up so early when the show was aired only at 10am. When they shifted the show to Sunday's at 11am, I did the same thing too. I made sure that my weekend religious class would either end before 11am or start after 12pm. Apparently, my "rearrangements" made a lot of people upset because while I call it that, some called it "playing truant" or "ponteng". Well, whatever floats their boat.

I do realize how gay it all sounds but who cares? It came to a point that I infused their songs into my rugby. I would listen hours on end to their songs before training starts. On the way to the match, I would listen to their songs too. That was the year of 2001. We won the 'C' Div Novice Championship. I was the top scorer! A year later, it all works out as I played for the combined schools team and all. Think it's still gay?

Well, the rest of my team-mates and school mates thought I was. So, I just had to reassure them that I truly wasn't the old fashioned way- girls! Well, just one girl actually. Rachel Stevens...yeahhhh....Well, another reason to be listening to their music and to go through all that trouble just to catch their show. I think I've even had correspondence with her once via Email. Although, i now have this sneaky feeling that it was really some imposter. Oh wells, I was 14..I had some rights to being naive right?

14 to 23. That's 9 years ago! Well, it still gives me that warm fuzzy feeling anyway. Maybe I should start listening to their songs again in view of the this coming 4-Unis Championship. Perhaps, after all that, I'd actually make it to the National Team. Too bad that by this time, the legendary Anchor Reds have already been disbanded.

Growing up is never easy. You hold on to things that were. You wonder what's to come. But that night, I think we knew it was time to let go of what had been, and look ahead to what would be. Other days. New days. Days to come. The thing is, we didn't have to hate each other for getting older. We just had to forgive ourselves... for growing up

I've finally recovered! Yessssssssss...

It's really strange that I'm writing so early in the morning when I've got no qualms with anyone or about anything. I usually write when I'm kinda pissed about something. Oh yes! I am!!! It sucks to be broke when there's so many things that you wan to buy. Things like Adrenol or Amino Injector which really really helped me a lot in putting up lean mass. The last time I remembered being extra fit was during the December holidays. Now, injuries here and there. Thank God my shoulder is recovering as it should. Perhaps a few more conditioning sessions before Thursday should help.

Anyway, dreams that I've been having are rather weird. It's weird but nice. Kinda like the way I'm writing now. Never thought in my entire life that I'd be looking forward to bed time. Guess sleeping can be added into my arsenal of hobbies. YEah...it's a healthy one too since I can never sleep past 6-7hours no matter how much I try. IF i eventually do sleep for 8 hours, I'd end up waking up with a terrible headache. It's as if I'm having a hangover of some sort. Perhaps, someone's been making me drink in my sleep(I've NEVER DRINK IN MY LIFE BEFORE FOR THE RECORD!)?

Koko Crunch

Sometimes I wonder why do I even bother with someone who doesn't even bother about it themselves.

I am seriously tired. Training last night reminded me of how it was like to be pushed (way) beyond your limits. Towards the end of training, I simply didn't see a point of doing anything anymore. Besides the frustration that I had towards everyone, it was also my injuries that were dragging me down. It's funny how my body deciding to "act out" only when the season comes around. Well, imagine this, it was breezy, I was drench from my own sweat, it was dark, and we were running(no flying!) and doing a lot of things that might seem impossible to mere mortals. Right now, I'm feeling the sore.

I like listening to underground music. By definition, it's the kind of songs that nobody has ever heard of before. It's the kind when I ask someone if they've heard of the song or even the band and all I look is a blank look and a sheepish no. Either that, or them eventually telling me to stop asking. On a side note, Lady Gaga and the rest of her friends who are continually being played on air irritates the shit of out me. Literally. I don't see a point in their songs at all. It's too vain, corny and it doesn't make sense at all. Don't get me started on their music videos..

My shoulder is still screwed up. Well, game this Saturday at CCAB. HOPEFULLY, it'll hold. I'm going to make that tackle again; the kind that will make everyone go "WHOOOOOOOOOOAAAAA!!!". Maybe this time around, I won't be late. Although, 2pm for a match is rather odd.

I don't want to waste my time, become another casualty of society

The Longgggggggg weekend is coming to an end and I've got shitloads of work to do...SHIT(hence the term)! The weekend has been quite something something. I got real dark from kite flying but I doubt anyone could be able to tell the difference. I game-ed my way through the weekend till my brains are almost fried. And I couch potato-ed to my heart's desire with HBO and friends. It's been a rather lazy weekend. Literally.

I still don't get it why I'm still getting blamed for things. It's as if I was the culprit in all that's happened (or still is happening). Sometimes being someone's punching bag means that you get to talk to them. But is that all there is to that? People do forget that I am a human being after all. Despite the fact that I show close to no expression most of the time, I do have feelings. But people forget that or either that they choose to ignore that. People don't treat others that way much less than friends do. You don't have to be in a relationship with a person to be doing favors for them or even treating them like-well you guessed it-A HUMAN BEING!

Even my cat get's better treatment. Infact, he's getting a lot fatter and lazier. Sleeping all day and meowing all night. It scratched my nose when I attempted to lead him into a healthier lifestyle. I guess, he's taking after my parents(one of the reasons I hate travelling with them is because their idea of a vacation is to sleep all day in a hotel room and do nothing for the rest of the the trip but eat, chill and sleep some more).

Well, the 4-Unis tournament is just around the corner. Coincidentally, my first match is on the night that I'm taking my driving test. Talking about double load. At the rate I'm going, i think i might just spend under $500 for my driving lessons after all. If I pass, that'll be the story for my grandkids(after which, none of them will want to visit me ever again). Rugby wise...everyone says my passing has gotten sharper. But my decision making skills are a little bit flumpsy(yes i made that word up). Inconsistency is what I'm really good at. Statistically wise, I am an error! Guess that's what makes me special(not in the retarded kind of way like what the programme that that institute has).

I keep wondering whether what I written will affect anyone. It can either be in a good way or a bad way. I have this nagging feeling that a somehow, someone(unwanted by society) is getting burnt by what I'm saying. Then, there's others who just want to see what's going on. Voyeurism isn't that bad considering how many people practice it. Then there are others who come here looking for inspiration(okay, I just overdid it).

How I wish that people would be able to open up themselves to the truth because only that will set someone truly free. IF something is meant to be, no amount of effort or decision making can change that. It hurts just to see how someone's denial is consuming them inside-out. It really isn't worth it that just because you don't want to disappoint others, you yourself suffer. It would really be selfless of others to see that instead of pushing through with what they have in mind. It'll only benefit them and not yourself. Guess, selfish people do exist. Last I check, those people who sell fish really stink! I should know, I tried it before -._.-

The worst lies are the lies we tell ourselves. We live in denial of what we do, even what we think. We do this because we're afraid. We fear we will not find love, and when we find it we fear we'll lose it. We fear that if we do not have love we will be unhappy

The day couldn't get any more awesome then it already was! Well, actually, the awesomeness started yesterday. Being able to lift more than 100kg of deadweight off the ground could make anyone's day! Well, just over 50kg to go and I'll be back to how it was during my JC days.

Honestly, I didn't expect much to begin with(for today). It was just going to be another Friday: tuition and then rugby. It DOES sound miserable! I know. But then, one thing happened. It led to another and another. In the end, there was no tuition...there was no rugby(it ALMOST happened!!!).

Well, from the bottom of my heart, Thank you for everything!!! Thanks for the well wishes. Thanks for the presents(i really love them). Thanks for the cards and notes! Guess, this is what a birthday should feel like huh? Well, let's not hope too much (:

I know I risk sounding gay and all..but yeah who cares? I just had the best day ever! Anyone who tries to take that away is just being selfish(or maybe they're just being themselves?)

I sometimes do wonder if there is really a sign of which only others can see which says "Information/Assistance Counter/Person". Today was no exception.

Lackluster. That's probably the best way to describe myself right now. I guess there's really nothing to look forward to anymore. It's a routine really. School, readings, assignments, rugby, tuitions,gym...my friends told me that i needed to break out of my routine; That I looked burned out. I feel burned out. But then, most of the time, I feel that there is this one level that I have yet to reach. I guess the thought of getting there has yet to appear appealing me.

The thought of being somewhere on time has also not rubbed into me. I am perpetually late these days. Like right now, I have already planned to be late for lessons and take my own sweet time to do things. I'm changing- but not necessarily for the better. It's like my pre-enlistee days but even then, I had something to look forward to. That something that I looked forward to did not disappoint me at all!

I guess it's my own wanting of being committed to something now. Pangseh-ing, ponning, skipping training or simply just being late for anything does not seem so hard for me to do anymore. It just does not matter to me anymore.

I need to break out of this. Im a fighter. Was one, still am. I can't just go down like this. Im whining too much! Bleagh!!!

you have been weighed you have been measured and you have been found wanting

My cat is pissed cold from a shower it was given.
Funny that he's choosing my notes to roll under/lie on/roll around on to keep warm instead of a warm and fluffy towel I tried to wrap him with.

Courage

The week has been pretty moving for me. Well, not in the sense of readings and the work(the load keeps piling up) but rather in how I feel towards certain things. So far, three things have affected me. Children Full of Life( A Japanese Documentary), Funny People(you actually have to force yourself through the 2 1/2 hours) and The Blind Side.

These three shows got me thinking about what I really thing I am here for. Well, what my passions really are. It got me to realize that perhaps children are my passion. Well, not exactly those of my own but IF i have them in the future, then them too. Here I am referring to that of others. The unprivileged; the poor; the forsaken.

I believe that EVERYONE should be given a second chance in life. Especially children. It truly breaks my heart that a child's opportunity to success in life gets robbed away even before he is even able to comprehend the real meaning of opportunity or chance.

If it's one thing that I have benefited from my 2 years of REAL university education so far is that everyone's life chances are not the same. It sucks. But like a friend once said, Q: If God is so Al-Mighty, why are there still poor people in the world? A: The poor is a blessing for the rich, the rich a blessing for the poor. That is Mercy. Right now, my entire faith in the higher power rests on that belief.

But that doesn't mean that we just sit around and mope about it. Worse still, we do nothing about it and pretend it isn't even there! Just like what my secondary school principal always say:
There are 3 types of people in this world. Those who make things happen, those who wait of things to happen or worse, those who wonder what happens! He would normally associate them to an eagle, a vulture and a chicken(my school's mascot was an eagle btw so go figure).

For me, I am a rational idealist. That itself is an oxymoron(if you don't know what an oxymoron is that YOU'RE an oxymoron). But yeah. I'd like to fight for the children. It's really the only way for the whole world to start over. To bear arms to protect the innocent. I'd fight under the banner of Humanity and IF I die doing my duty, I'd rest in the Halls Of Valhalla and pride myself shamelessly as I would have done my duty as a human being(at least). Like I said, it's too ideal but I WILL find a way to achieve that so that when I'm my death bed, I'd go away easily knowing that I have done something good.

That said, I am not going to be some kamikaze soldier of some sort. The very least, hopefully some NGO would take me in. If not, i'd start my very own. Right now, I'd like to set my priorities straight: finish right, earn a lot so that I can actually show people a better way to spend their money- not on themselves but others.

Hope for courage and try for honour and maybe even pray that the people telling you what to do have some too

The damn cat keeps disturbing my sleep. I guess it's really out to get me-whenever I fall asleep in the living room, that's where it'll annoy me; whenever I am asleep on MY OWN BED, it'll have it's out zookout/rockclimbing fiesta/singapore idol/etc. in my bedroom. Guess in return, i'll disturb whenever that fatty falls asleep in the morning so that it'll be too tired at night to annoy me. Hehs. THAT IS, if I am even at home.

School is a real pain. I just don't feel like going to school anymore. Not like what I used to. I actually have no reason to go to school except for one-to study. That is a real stupid reason. No one goes to school to study. I believe that everything that you do has got 2 reasons: a good one and a real one. So to go to school to study (classes and whatnots) is a good reason. But the real reason runs deeper than that. And lately, Im lacking of (a) real reason(s) to go to school.

The only thing that gets me moving lately would be rugby. Alas, i am plagued with injuries. Let's list down what I have.
-My shoulder popped out and in 3 games ago so it's on the verge of doing so anytime soon. IT hurts even for   me to be writing something on the whiteboard.
-I've got shin splints so it hurts for me even to walk sometimes. It's prolly due to the ankle injury that I've sustained..urm..god knows when(last season probably).
-My hamstrings keeps screwing me up. It cramped up when i tried to bring my legs up just to attempt a hurdle run.
-My wrist still hurts. But it's good in a sense that I really have to watch my form whenever I'm attempting a push action in the gym.
-My face still hurts from the knock i received from that 150kg gorilla whom i've called Botak Jones.
-My wound has yet to heal and I AM looking forward to the day when the scabs are dry enough for me to peel them off without it hurting (disgusting i know).

Guess that's about it. The list only gets longer and longer. But yeah, rugby does keep me going. I just wished that each side could see that when I am not training with them, it's because I am training with the other side and let me play every Saturday because I KNOW that I AM THAT GOOD! Heck, sometimes I feel that I am better than all of them put together. But then, there are days that I don't even deserve to be in the team.

I just hope that they will call me down for an interview real soon. The pay that they're giving is seriously not bad. Probably will be able to afford my own car after a year or so with them. Hehs.

Being posted to Pioneer Sec is not such a bad thing after all. It was funny at the fact that they thought I was late just because I couldn't find the exact class to proceed to as I roamed hopelessly around the ENTIRE school just to look for that particular classroom. Hehs.

There are three sides to any argument: your side, my side and the right side

Starryeyed surprise is real smooth. Yes it is! It used to be one of my favourite songs just before I set off for a match. I remember those days. Everyone would be quiet on the bus-all plugged into into their ipods. Mine was a purplish-pink one. Hehs. It was indeed the center of attraction in the school canteen. But yeah. It would calm me down real good as I put through the paces of what im going to do during the game and how Im going to break the heart of my opponents when I score against them and when we win the match.

I guess reading my previous posts did bring back memories. Yes, I know that my English was very bad back then. Guess now I know why I got a B4 for my GP. Anyway, those were indeed happy days. I can still remember the feeling of working in Delifrance. It was real nice indeed. It didn't matter that there are days when I had to do both opening and closing. It didn't matter that I had to be under the charge of some asshole because the fact remains that wherever you go, there will always be one. Well, all that didn't really matter.

Those people were like family to me. Hell, it was the first time that I ever celebrated my birthday-on the day itself. Well, I got creamed, and puffed and feullite-ed (okay i forgot how to spell it and fine, its basically the same thing) and baugette-ed. Yeah..whatever you can think of. But, the fact that the celebrated it, it was really something. I got a Spongebob card too from a friend named Kelly(I wonder how she's doing now). Everyone was real nice there save for a few. Working there was one of the best time of my life right before i was enlisted.

Well, life was much simpler then. And being at Orchard Road at 6 in the morning was something too. It was real nice and peaceful-imagine the irony of that all. Back then, I didn't need anything else. I guess, I miss that feeling.

Well, I just wish that i could erase memories of whatever happened over the recent years because it's really detrimental to me and my studies. Right now, I just don't feel like studying or going to school for that matter. i guess i'd have to find someways to motivate myself to continue doing this. Or else, it'll just consume me whole. Got to find a reason to wake up in the morning, look forward to something and live it.

Extreme sports is real easy considering the fact that it's activities are all heavily assisted by gravity

so deep, that i didn't even get to scream fuck me!

I never thought I would be able to have that much fun again but last night proved otherwise. Lido Classic has got real cool and comfy seats. I didn't want to get off the chair after the movie ended. Like my cousin said before she landed her ass on the chair, "Ahhhh...this is the life". Whatever that was supposed to mean. Invictus was really awesome-minus the "duh!" dialogue that they had.

Dinner(treat) after that was nice too. If it wasn't for the couple seating next to us. Hehs. Stupid girl kept giving me the smirk. Whatever that was for. Do it too often, and it might be permanent.

Apparently, this girl has got many problems with many guys. Unwanted attraction I suppose. It happens. Really. And with malay guys, it happens way too often that it should. WELL, you can't call me racist because I am one officially. But yeah, I suppose they want something tangible or something that they can actually see there and then. If it's too far off into the distant future, or something ambitious perhaps, they wouldn't really stick to it. Well, I can't help but to laugh at the fact that her mom is pressuring her to get married.

Well, whatever it is, I hope that she would be able to accept my "advice" about guys- especially the ones that she is trying to avoid. Hehs. Now I know that Kinokuniya closes at 9.30 on weekdays.

Rugby today was extremely disappointing. I guess the team isn't really quite ready yet. It was a feeling of betrayal that I felt that me putting my heart and soul into everything wasn't reciprocated or mimic by the rest of the team. Bad calls, bad decisions, bad tackles...bad bad bad! The list goes on really. And yes, I don't know how I am going to recover in time for saturday's game. Right now, i'm just feeling real crappy about myself and the game. Well, as long as others have some faith in me, I'd guess i'll be able to pull through.

If you're going through hell, keep going

I feel like hell right now. Partly mostly from the match yesterday. Well, we lost but I sure did have a whole lot of fun playing it. Hehs. Well, the morning didn't start out as good. In fact, it was as PCB as the week before. Those people better get it together. They're just wasting my time of going down only to be at the risk of getting sent back home again.

Well, rugby made up for everything. This is despite the fact that I went down with a terrible headache(shouldn't have slept in the afternoon). So it took me quite awhile to reboot my system. A ciggie didn't help much. So did the redbull. I was still groggy. Well, the sun did quite help a bit. Honestly, I didn't feel like playing that day. The coaches saw it. But they slotted me in anyway. Guess that is how much faith they have in me. Couldn't disappoint them could i? Well I didnt.

At least 3 Ang mohs who's weight tipped over the 100s went home with after a tackle which they will never forget. I was damn lucky that my right shoulder didn't pop out again this time around. Phew! Hehs. The first awesome tackle that I made resulted in the guy going, "AAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrghhhh!". He subbed out at halftime. The second guy, whom I have fondly gotten to call him botak jones went, "FUCK!!!" because he thought he was going to score. Hehs. He kneed me in the face and now I have an extra-perky right cheek. The 3rd guy who looks really like Samwise Gamgee went, " OH SHITTTT!!!" as he went over the top before I slammed him into the ground. Yeahhhhhh. Well, sad to say, the 4th guy went down fighting as he took that slight window of opportunity to actually stomp me in the knee. It's as swollen as hell right now.

Well, the trip to school today wasn't much fun either. After a whole morning wasted on my Xbox, i had to drag myself out to actually get some work done. Lo and behold..my bike wouldn't start. Soooooooo...i had the wonderful opportunity of having a go at running start. Hehs. I thought I had just completed a short run with the amount of sweat i was producing.

Well, there you go. Trivialities of my life..or rather, my weekend. I think i should get down to work now.

but would you risk the broken bones, just to call this place home

It's only the end of the second week and I already feel overwhelmed by the workload and the number of things that I have to do. I guess, I'd have to cut down on a lot of things to survive.

After all, I have a lot going on as it is and those are the kind of things that doesnt just cut out of his life or else, by the time he grows old, he has nothing to tell his children about. Heck, Im pretty sure that their children would have nothing to be proud about of their old man. That would certainly bring about a pre-mature midlife crisis which would run through premenantly throughout hte rest of his life- thus damaging his children as well. Such is the cruelty of such cycle.

Go forth and drive

You better lose yourself in the music, the moment
You own it, you better never let it go
You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
This opportunity comes once in a lifetime

I was doing my pre-ride ritual while plugged in into the radio when I heard this song. I know this isn't the first time that I've heard this song and yes, i know, its a very old song. But for the first time in my life, this song made sense to me. It actually made sense!

Truth be told, I was running a fever just now. After reaching home, I tried watching Glee(awesome show btw) but fell asleep halfway through from the medications i took. I thought some rest might do me good but i felt as shitty as before after the sleep. Well, i decided to push through anyway since I want a spot for this Saturday's game. But when that song came on, POOOOF!! Fever gone!

This newfound realization put me in a spot of what I want to achieve for myself, for my family and just about anyone whom i hold dearly. There's so much that I still have to do. And now, there's nothing that I have to give up for a great future. My drive is back. I shall remain driven even after i've achieved my goals.

Patience comes to those who actually wait. Doesn't mean something can make you happy right now, yet make others miserable at the same time, is going to last. It'll only last when everyone's happy at the same time and at that everyone is happy for you too.

Rugby today was as awesome as ever. Skipped NTU training for SRC training. The view was as magnificent as always. But the one thing that I like so much about training there is that people, whom are as old as my dad, treat me as their peers. Literally. I know this doesnt seem much to many. But try talking business, family and jobs and you know what i mean. I feel so uncle-ish sometimes when i talk to them. Well, the good thing is that even when i keng with them, nobody will question me for doing so.

Well, as usual, I actually had a great deal of things to write about but when I actually get down to actually writing them, everything's forgotten. Sucks.

In life, as in rugby, you won't go far unless you know where the try line is

2 Random thoughts:

1) Perhaps I should get myself a microwave oven so that at least I won't be eating a cold (late) dinner by the time I get home.

2) A nice, long bike ride always calms me down.

Pain heals, chicks dig scars but glory..glory lasts forever!!!

It's 30mins to midnight and yet im still in school. sian...well, i should be off in a while i guess.

If you're not ready to read what im about to type, i suggest you close this browser immediately because i WILL be writing about things that might affect people more than they'll ever know. No, i am not writing this out of spite. This is rather objective of me to write this. What those objectives are are actually up to me to decide. Don't ask, don't tell.

You have been warned....

LOVE. This 4 letter word is the most dangerous word one can ever use. It's because of this word that millions, no billions, have died from. It has caused the world endless amount of suffering but yet at the same time it is able to give what everyone deserves-peace.

I've been reading a few (overdue)books which touched this topic greatly. Relationships and love. Why do people get into a relationship? Why do people sometimes use the excuse of love to be in a relationship? Well, it appears that fear is the major contributor here. Fear of dying, fear of dying alone, fear of just being alone. An experiment has shown this to be true. This experiment involved a (shaky)bridge 10ft off the ground, a chiobu(wee weeT!) in the middle of the bridge, another bridge just merely 2ft off the ground, and 2 groups of males. And yes,the same chiobu on the second bridge too. Apparently, the first group on the higher bridge seem to be showing more interest in the lady more when she was higher up as compared to when she was on the lower bridge. Supposedly, the bridge was really really shaky and go figure to the kind of fear all those participants, who called her after the experiment, were facing.

What am i deriving at? Well, it seems that fear is more than a powerful factor for people to get or remain in a relationship. Like what i've heard people say, sometimes, they just value the relationship more than their partner in that relationship. That sucks, really.

Let's take out the bridge and put something else here. The fear of not being in a relationship can someone push someone into one. Sometimes, the guy can just be a rebound guy(or girl). But that can be enough to make the person feel as if they are on cloud number 9 (or maybe 10 because cloud number 9 is full of those who fear). But really, are they really the one or just the next one?

On a personal account, every girl that I see now(well most) seem to be quite attractive to me. There's this urge to talk to a girl and well, hopefully it might manifest into something else. But i know that that wouldn't be love or anything of that sort. Why? It's because that girl might just be the rebound. It's really selfish of a person to go after a new partner after they just got dumped(or they being the one to do the dumping). Why? It's because they haven't had time to themselves yet.

I suppose you all might be wondering, what if the one who's broken are the ones being chased? Well, I say that that person doing the chasing is just waiting for a chance to pounce on. No matter what was said, it will never change that fact. Actions speak louder than words mind you.

Like I said, it's never fair for that person who hasn't had time to fully recover from it all. Studies have shown that it takes between 6 months at least before someone is able to go into( or form) another relationship without having second thoughts about it all. For me, I say, let's enjoy this life for now.

I've got other things to worry about. And when im done worrying, i've got a scholarship to go after. Hopefully, i'd earn more than enough and then able to afford to send my parents for a haj. Well, that's my dreams. Wishful thinking? I guess so.

Asking the question why is just as pointless as pulling out the legs off of a centipede

There is only one way to describe my morning- PCB! Only a few people know what this means and I highly doubt any of them would be reading this. Imagine this, I "woke up" early enough just so that I can get to the centre in time only to be told that because of some confusion, I am not needed and that I'd start only next week. How efficient is that. Despite that, I wasn't able turn up for the game as I simply did not get enough sleep last night.

Firstly, the cat woke up me up on several occasions when I was just about to sleep. Damn cat kept running around the house and climbing all over it and over me as well. As usual, I did my routine of watching a documentary just so that I could fall asleep. The documentary was about Amelia Earhart. Yeap..it was boring enough to put anyone to sleep. Again, I almost finished watching that too before I was feeling sleepy enough. Just as that was about to happen, Coco decided to climb the TV after jumping on me. So...i decided to switch of the TV and the fan fearing that he might just jump into the rotating blades and hurt himself real bad. I moved in into my bedroom and lied down on my bed.

Just as i was closing my eyes, I SWEAR THIS, i heard somebody grunting and sighing into my ear. Obviously that shook up me. I decided to not think too much about it and tried to sleep. Again, I was like a bloody salad as I tossed and turn in bed. I don't know how long it took for me to fall asleep but it seemed like an eternity before I finally did. DAMN THOSE THOUGHTS KEEPS RUNNING IN MY HEAD!

As if it wasn't enough, bad dreams kept waking me up again and again. I woke up at 3, 4, 5 and 6 am before deciding that I was going to give up on sleeping and get ready for work. Hence, upon receiving the news, I went home, switched on the TV and tried to sleep. Of course my mom was surprised that I got home that early knowing that each session would last a few hours. It took me less than 1 before I was home again. This time around, I was able to doze off peacefully infront of the TV which was showing Everybody Loves Raymond. hehs. funny show. Like I said, PCB!

It's only the end of the first week of the semester and Im already pressured to work my butt off already. Im not sure if this applies to everyone or even the majority. Sometimes, I wished that I was a bit of laid back in things like this. Alas, im not a genius. So, working hard is all I can ever afford.

Sometimes, sleeping over it might mean not being to sleep at all

It's almost 1am and I can't believe im actually in school right now. Guess with the amount of work that needs to be done on a weekly basis, this is something that i have to do. Then again, maybe im just being kiasu? Perhaps.

Near misses aside, rugby today was rather alright. Well, coaching it at least. It's just something about rugby that I am so attracted about. By now, whoever's reading this must be going "UGH!!! Rugby again???" hahahaha. Like I said, it has shaped me to be the way I am right now.

That said, it has taught me something really valuable-mediocrity is actually a disease. I can never-again-understand how someone can tell someone else it's okay when it's obviously not okay. Well, this doesn't apply to anything except for the matter of effort. Like teaching. Never once did my parents praise me if I got good grades. They would only go, "im sure you can do better than that" or "so what's next?" That said, it actually pisses me off whenever they did that. But as I played more rugby, i finally began to understand what they really meant by it. It means, i've yet to reach my fullest potential. Though I did good, or rather decently, that doesn't mean I should be contented. IT only means that there's someone out there who's better than me and I should beat him(up! hahaha).

Coaching today was rather...urm..fulfilling. Acquaintances who are(or going to be) teachers have been proud to claim of what they make-namely their students tremble in fear. Well, I can make grown men cry. I can make they puke out whatever they had for the breakfast the morning before and if i push a little bit further, it could very well be the breakfast that they had last week. Sadistic? I think not. Detox? Pretty much so.  Well, perhaps this team would actually win something. They just have to trust themselves.

On another note, it sucks to see someone(seemingly) down. It's when you can see that they've distanced themselves even from themselves. Physically there but not mentally nor spiritually.  Distracted perhaps? Well, do what I do, spend some time alone. Like literally alone. The most extreme thing I ever did was to sit at a cemetery all alone. I figured that (i was only 16 then) since I was very very afraid of ghosts then...so why not face them then? If I can face my greatest fear, all else should roll by quite easily. And that I did, fortunately, it was all just a figment of my imagination. That place really turned out to be the most peaceful place in the entire world even though it was quite morbid for me to have done so. Or perhaps a nice long bike ride could ease it all away? Hmm...

a friend is someone who helps you up when you're down, and if they can't, they lay down beside you and listen

I suppose today was the day of all days. I dont't know if I was marked or something but there simply one too many mishaps on the road today. Firstly, it was the wind. It was way to drafty today. On the way to get my contract signed, I almost got swept away off the road-literally. I was banking when the bike skidded-a little bit-before I managed to gain control again. In my mind, I was already prepared to sit on the right side of the bike if it did get out of the control and ride the skid out.

It didn't help that some bitch had to clean her windscreen while on the expressway. I thought it was raining as water splashed down on my face. She was promptly dealt as i swerved infront of her and braked hard.

On the way back to school, some idiot thought that his lorry was a battering ram. He cut into my lane-slowly but surely- even as I flashed my headlights and sounded my horn at that bastard.

It didnt help that even in school, some idiot tried to cross the road without looking. Almost knocked him down. Guess the sound of my tires screeching on the road startled him to jump back on the kerb with the driver of an oncoming vehicle looking on-perhaps hoping that I would crash and burn so that he can take down my plate number and strike big on 4D.

Maybe Im just being paranoid. Hmm...well, 4 strikes and im still alive. I hope that my luck reserve for this year doesn't deplete too quickly.

Training today couldn't get anymore awesome. Well, it could and hopefully it will. Never felt like pushing myself so hard before this. Guess this time around, I really have nothing to lose. Well, except for my shoulder which hurts like hell. Honestly, I forgot the last time I was able to push myself this hard before-so hard that my entire body is aching right now. Yeah...balls to the walls intensity. Guess a little bit(okay..a lot of it actually) anger helps. Yeap. Anger not frustration.

I seriously do not know which mods to take for this semester. Right now, I have 8 hours of non-stop lessons on Tuesdays of which I have to constantly run around the school. I seriously have no idea which mods to drop as they all seem very interesting to me. Well, except for my GERPE, everything else is interesting.

Hopefully, I will not burn out towards the exams as what I have been for the past 3 semesters. Like I said, I'm hoping this semester to be a good one. I've got nothing to lose this time. The fire in my eyes says it all.

keep quiet nothing comes as easy as you can i lay in your bed all day i'll be your best kept secret and your biggest mistake

It's only 1 more day till school starts again. I can't say most will agree with me but i am kinda looking forward to the new semester. New semester, new life, new beginnings. I have to look forward from here on now. It's hard, but i've got to push through anyway. It's unfortunate how days when people who smash through walls are revered.

The holidays were something. Bangkok was something. It was the first time ever that the family flew up to a destination together. It was rather nice. Can't say the same for the pilot's landing skills. We actually bounced up a couple of times before really touching down for good. Tsk. Plus, it's been more than 10 years since the family went anywhere together. The last time that happened was in 1998. Secondary school started for me 2 years later and each and every time that they wanted to go for a holiday, i'd give them an excuse of rugby, remedial classes and whatnot. Truthfully, i'd rather not go for holiday with them. Yes, they are my family and I SHOULD spend time with them...but it just drives me up the wall sometimes. Bangkok relieved that experience.

Usually, that is the place that you can get things for prices so cheap that you'll end up coming back with a huge bag of it. The only people who actually knew how to bargain was me and my dad. My mom picked it up quickly(this is bargaining for things not sold in a wet market). My brothers were total idiots. My younger brother couldn't wait to get the thing that he was just willing to pay any price that was quoted. Can't say i blame him since he's only going to be 18 this year. But my elder brother, with his come-cheat-me look on his face was the worst. IT came to a point that when i wanted to get something, I told him to stand somewhere far away so that the vendor(or whatever he is called) wouldn't try to cheat me as well. Other than that, he just talks about a lot of things that would only make sense to someone retarded(like 5 year old kind of retardedness).

My parents couldn't stop squabbling. Yeah..that was embarrassing. Even in the lift with strangers inside-they were talking as if they owned the whole lift. Especially my mom. Well, if things doesn't go her way, she will start..urm..talking fast and in a high pitch voice AKA nag! It's terribly irritating and embarrassing when she starts doing that in public. That said, im not embarrassed of my family, it's just that sometimes they can do without doing all that they did. That certainly would have made the trip a bit more enjoyable.

On the other side of things, people who asked me questions that are not meant to be asked gets coldness. It sucks when here you are trying so hard to forget about things and someone just swoops in and asks you about it. Heck, I thought that was done and over with. I don't know, maybe im just that stubborn to listen to people's advice. Perhaps, I just like to take it my own way at my own pace. Nobody, especially me, likes to be rushed unless i want to do it myself. That won't be rushing, that's called hasting. There's a difference there which I myself can't tell. But there IS a difference alright.

Well, let's just hope this semester promises something good.

If all is not lost, where is it?

Around 12 more hours before I take off. I'm feeling kind of apprehensive about the trip. Hell, im feeling apprehensive about everything. Nothing feels right anymore. Everything is just empty.

2009 seems to be a rather bad year after all. A lot of people I know are suffering from relationship problems. Well, safe to say, none of them are suffering while being in one now. It's just so sad you know? Well, even Rome fell down eventually. I guess this is no different.

One thing's for sure, I don't think I'll be missed when I'm gone. 3 days of pure bargaining and doing something something like the BKKers does it. Hehs. I am not sure what to expect while over there. It stills seems rather weird to me to be going overseas to be doing something other than military.

Guess I'll have to live with it.

Never miss the opportunity to make someone happy, even if it means leaving them alone

The last day of last year and the first day of this year all got rolled into one long day. I haven't slept yet in the longest time ever. Each time I closed my eyes, I will get nightmares. Flashbacks will occur time and time again. Sleep is like a curse and the nightmare seems never ending. Nothing seems to be real anymore. I just wished I could wake up again and everything is alright.

I am really blessed with my family and friends. I know this sounds faggoty, but they've really been a huge help by keeping me occupied. I do get "lost" sometimes. When I stare into blank space, I think I kind of lose conscious for awhile.I have no recollection of what happened or is happening. It's like a reboot to my mind or something.

Perhaps I'll get used to it. Well, whatever comes my way, I guess I'll just roll with the punches.