What seemed like a dingy weekend turned to be quite swell. Taking chances and just being rand can actually turn out to be a really good thing afterall. That used to be my mojo. Slowly but surely, I guess I am rediscovering that once more. It's pretty no holds bar this time around. Even though there were no wild parties involved, I think I'm rather pleased with all that has happened so far. Well, actually, it's a 3 months and 2 weeks weekend for me due to the extended summer vacation thanks to some YOG thing going on. I'm not complaining, well not yet anyway since I haven't gotten to the point of a shortened Christmas/New Year break yet. The bitchin' and moanin' has yet to arrive.

I think I've found the weekness of my wallet: books. I can beleige I actually spent over $70 for some books which I could have borrowed from the library. Then again, I guess it's all part of the grand plan to build myself a library consisting of books which I will probably never read again once I'm done with them. Hell! I don't think I would even be willing to spend that much on textbooks! Most of the textbooks that are required for my lessons are mostly photocopied. Hehs.

Today was no different from yesterday. Being bored out of my skull can drive me to do random stuff. So, I packed up all my library books and headed down to the library next to JP thinking that it was going to be empty. Turns out, the place was crawling with kids studying for their O levels. Hahaha! The urge to tell them that I didn't have to study for my O levels and am still where I am right now. But that could be detrimental to them so I eventually didn't hehs.

The sights and sounds that I got while at the library was somewhat rather interesting. I had an old lady walking pass me with a can- farting every step of the way. You remember those pesky squeaky shoes that you wore when you were younger just so that your parents know where you are? I guess it's the same for her: so that her maid knows where she is. (btw, if you had a lot of kids wearing those damn squeaky shoes, you can slip out from your parents sight and then do whatever you want. That's what I did. Let's hope my kids won't do that to me should I ever have any)

As if that wasn't enough, an old man was caught scratching his crotch as he stood next to me. Kinda makes me wonder why I attract such people. Hahaha! Anyway, he gave me THE STARE when I chanced upon his act of relieving himself. If I had a warrant card, he'd be giving me THE STARE behind bars. And no, it's not the kind that you can drinks from.

Anyway, being random has it's perks too! The Losers was simple awesome!!! I have came up with a theory: the lesser hype the movie recieves, the better it actually is! That's what happens fo Rocket Singh where I was the only "other" while the entire theatre was fillled with Indians. Hahaha!

Taking chances and making anew

As I waste my Saturday away in front of my TV, I am left listless and at the same time clueless as to what to do. It seems that my days can be quite boring and my nights? Well, I tire out too fast :S. So what the hell right?

On the ride home from work, I had a couple of thoughts about knowledge. Remember that stupid kids show about knowing it all, yeah, I can hardly remember the name of the show but what I do remember is their tagline- "Knowledge is power!" I couldn't agree more. The lack of it could only mean the lack of power.

So, while sinking in the sea of boredomness, I shall share a teeny weeny bit about how to ride a bike. Bike as in motorbike not a bicycle(already, I can hear all the environmentalist going "Nooooooo!! Well, you are using your computer to reading this jackass! So that makes you a hypocritical environmentalist! Ha!).

Firstly, having the right type of bike is essential. If yours is in the under 200CC category, act like it. No point having a real nice design if it makes your bike unnecessarily heavy. It just makes it slow, unstable and idiotically expensive (all thanks to extra body parts. Should you washout, if it lands on you, it's going to hamper your recovery. Plus when you send it for repairs, the bulk of your money goes into fixing out the cosmetic damages despite it having no effect on the performance of your bike.

Secondly, having the right kind of tire affects the way you ride too. I can only recommend Battlax Bridgestone tires. That sonofabitch sticks to the road like glue. I can make corners at speeds in excess of 80km/h. At that speed, cornering really scares the shit out of you. I'm lucky I've never soiled my pants before. Having it at the right pressure helps too. Too deflated and your turns will be all floppy and unstable. Too inflated and your stability on a straight would be just as bad. So it's really a game of trial and error.

That said, the bike only makes up for less than 40% for its performance. The other 60-80% comes from the rider itself. The pillion only makes up for less than 1% of how the bike performs. It's about choosing the right line. Nothing should be done abruptly. Like drifting, its connecting a series of banking that helps you get out alive. But if you have a really big head, nothing is going to help.

A conversation with a new friend whom I've made at a bike shop truly enlightened me as to how I should ride and all. He taught me everything that I needed to know more. Getting my bike fixed up has never been so entertaining. Hehs.

Again, what seems like a good thing to write about has faltered halfway through. Damn..

SOMETIMES ITS THE SMALLEST DECISION THAT CAN CHANGE YOUR LIFE FOREVER

A bike ride a couple of nights ago got me to thinking: What should I do after I graduate? Frankly, I don't know. I want to be a solider but the local one doesn't seem too keen on hiring me. I guess it's all thanks to that teeny weeny black mark that I have in my records. Then again, if you can give criminals a second(sometimes, third or tenth) chance, I'm sure they are able to give me a second chance to prove to them what the best stuff are made of.

A meet-up with a couple of JC buddies got me to realize. Why DIDN'T I major in economics. I can sure as hell explain what it is all about. Writing about it is a different story altogether though hehs. I reasoned that I really wanted to study psychology. But since I didn't get that, sociology naturally as a second choice as they are kinda related. Well, I've already taken the leap. Now all I can do is to land a perfect 10 landing.

I was also thinking about what to do when I graduate. A couple of things that I have thought off.
1) Taking a Private Pilot License which would cost me no more than 30k. But first, I'd have to figure out a way to make that much money.
2) Take up skydiving. A full certification would cost me less than 4k.
3) Ride/Drive around the world. That would cost me an entire year and also at least 10k. Perhaps, I could get sponsorship and turn it into a TV show ( oh no!! not another one!! right?).

I have yet to think of number 4 onwards. Maybe, just maybe, I can accomplish everything? It's seemingly impossible but if i can squeeze 3 weeks worth of equipment and clothing into just 2 duffel bags, I'm sure that could be possible too. Yes, I am certainly aware of the difference in significance in terms of the analogy used. But I think you catch my drift.

First, I've got to find a way to at least triple what I earn on a part-time basis before I graduate. That ought to give me a cushiony head start.

It's been days since I've finished my 2nd year of univeristy and it seems as though the days just drags on by. It's as if I am looking forward towards something although I am still not quite sure what that something really is. Either that, or there is nothinguch to look forward to. It's just do something if it ever comes up. If not, there will just be nothing for me to look forward to as there really isn't anything for me to do at all.

Well I guess this time around, things are just going to be different. Way different than it used to be. Let's just say that the 22nd and 28th of
May are just dates to me now which brings no significance to anyone else(even if they wanted
to). Guess that's how life is(very cheesy I know). Oh well, life is also a series of tongue biting parades. Most of the time, I find myself in tha situation- not being able
to say the things that I really wanted to say. Can't blame anyone on this. It could be because somethings are just worth mentioning- or so I tend to make others think. Perhaps I just don't want to be ruining the lives of others more than I have already did. Having my moves and what I say(even here) scrutanized only makes things
worse. Hence, I can only do one thing and one thing only - biting my tongue just to
get me by.
NOT SAYING THE THINGS THAT I WANT TO SAY

On the whole, I just feel that my sophmore year has been pretty lousy. Bridges have been burned and I've been such a lousy person on the whole. My covering-up act
has been so succesful that I've even managed to
bluff myself that I am okay. It's not just one thing that is leading
me into this melanchonic state but a whole lot of shitty factors that's reponsiblr
for this. I guess the holiday merely intensified it.
ANTICIPATION HAS THE HABBIT TO SET YOU UP FOR DISSAPOINTMENTS

I just wish that I didn't have any obligations to
serve or a contract to keep. I just feel like flying
over to England and stay with my relatives for the summer. Ahhh! The ideal
mind isn't idling after all. But like all
other relatives, I really do not know what to talk to them
about other than the usual qna session about school and stuff like that. Then again, a change of environment could do some good me.

Well, along the way to somewhere, I guess that I have lost my faith in my religion, people and even myself. People who saw how quiet I was after the finals thought I was just dissapointed about losing that game. Fact was, I didn't want to play rugby anymore. I was
just doing it in hopes of maybe somebody would actually show up. Alas, in the saw of faces, I could not find any familiar face that would actually
comfort me enough for me to give that game
my all.

Well, so much so for me being uppity and all. I'm just another dick
on the pond.

Guess my second year in University is over? Like how I reacted after i ORD-ed, I have this question hanging over my head- Now what? I guess having free time is good. But like everything else, too much of something could be kinda detrimental. It's not like I'm not working or anything like that.

I guess this super-duper-long vacation that I am going to be enjoying over the next three months or so is indeed going to be something new. I am back at status quo for all those who are wondering. For those who do not know what I am talking about you could either keep on wondering OR come and ask me about it. Hehs.

It's going to be a much needed break for me after a hectic and crazy semester. Heck, it's been a crazy year for me! So much intense drama has taken place that whatever is showing on TV can be considered mild(again, you could keep on wondering or...).

Let's use this break to reinvent ourselves. It'll be something new, something refreshing perhaps.
Never dwell on it
That's what an officer in the Second World War told his men before he got shot by a sniper. I guess, life could be a metaphorical war as we combat with our inner demons on a daily basis. Freedom of choice doesn't really exist. It's just either this or that. Well, unless you have tons of money. In this contemporary world, everything and anything could be bought. Yeap! ANYTHING! So, I guess I shall aim towards that too.

Not that I am being too materialistic(keyword being too), but without any of that, sustenance would be a pain in the ass and Marslow would be bitching about his theory not applicable in the normal lives of others(perhaps self actualization brought him his demise).

As I've mentioned before. Rugby, Army, Teaching. Those three will be taking a lot of my time. Other than that, I guess i'll be spending my days lazing around at home or outside with my friends(considering that I'm lucky enough to still have any despite the things that I've put them through) or just getting myself back in shape. I am SO out of shape right now that I'm beginning to look like Buzzlightyear-FAT and UGLY!

We'll see what the coming days will bring me. For now, I'm going to be wondering to that same old question- Now what?

History is a guide to navigation in perilous times. History is who we are and why we are the way we are

You know what would be a cruel joke that God could play on me?
It would be that he was to end it all for me the moment I finish my last paper.

Hahahah!

No, I am not lamenting on suicide.

I am half-way through my exams. As much as I can't wait for it to be over, I too dread that all will be over soon. The holidays this time around would mean a lot of free time for me- too much.

Sure I've got loads to do. Besides teaching(yes I teach. Surprise?), rugby, getting back in shape and also army will be a taking up a lot of my time. I guess, the YOG just couldnt come at a better time. This would mean an extended summer vacation for us all! But then, what the hell am I supposed to fill it up with besides the routine that I've just laid out? Maybe I should go on a short trip(by myself perhaps?) Then again, when I do something, I'd rather be doing it with somebody. Hell, I think everybody does if not they'll be only left with masturbating(that said, when I said doing something with somebody that something didn't have any sexual inclinations).

Let's see. I've got to attend a reservist in June. I could get my bike serviced and hopefully sell it off for a car AND a bike. I've got a 7s tournament for my club and 7s training for school. A road trip sometime in May. Hmm...July seems rather empty. I think, I should try India or something? Somewhere cheap yet something. I know, flying off to India is like flying off into a toilet when some dude is taking a crap. But yeah, it seems like an interesting place. Maybe, I should just scare my parents and tell them that I'm about to board the plane and will be heading somewhere for the next few days? Hhahaha! Then again, if I did that, they wont give me extra pocket money for my trip. Hmm...

Anyway, I am truly burned out from school. Everyday seems like a drag to me. Well, except when I'm in school that is. Great company can make the most painful experience the sweetest escape Like I said, now I have something to look forward to. But after I reach that point in time, then what? I guess life is a series of looking-forward-to kinda thing. There is always looking forward to. Sadly enough, nobody is looking forward to the inevitable-death.

Shall end it there and try not to sound too morbid. Well, 2 more papers and I'm done with my 2nd year in University. It has been rather..urm..something. Too bad not everyone believes me when I tell them that I don't feel like studying anymore(for the moment perhaps?). The moment I tell them that, I'd get negative responses and all that stuff. That's the problem with people today. Always jumping to conclusion. But when I get them to do standing broad jump, only God knows that they can't even jump for the sake of their lives. Tsk! Evalute and analyse. No point getting angry over something that you can't even begin to comprehend(there is a lot of them on just the other side).

If you have integrity, nothing else matters. If you don't have integrity, nothing else matters.

It seems that the most lucrative kind of enterprise deals with only two things: birth and death. There is at least a baby being born everyday. At the same time, the death of a person occurs on the daily basis as well. If you were to follow thelogic from FinalDestnation, in order for there to be the occurence of birth, there first has to be death. A life given up so that a new life can be given. I wonder how many of us believe in tha dictum.

I only belive in one thing- the temporaral state of everything. Life isn't permenant and neither are the people in our lives. The state of living requires us to be burning bridges everyday(if you think I'm talking in the most literal sense then you deserve a good smackdown from Mr.Socko).

Like the saying says, we cannot control who enters our lives but we can control who exits. Are we really capable of such feats? I highly doubt so. Sudden exits leave us exasperated for answers. The question why looms days and sometimes even years on end. But to ask that question why is just as pointless as pulling out the legs of a centipede. Each why is answered with a because and each because is followed by yet another why(yes, not everyone is conscious about this just like how you CAN actually lick your elbows).

The faithful can probably answer that God has his plans. The "rational" can probably come up wth an entire book just to explain the simple concept of The Temporal State of Everything. How do you overcome this? You can't! A loss is evident! And that is me looking at it optomistcally. I'd say that you're a fool if you were to be calling me a pessimist. Just have to make the bes of thing an enjoy the moments they life presents to you-both the good and the not so good. There can never be a bad moment in your life if you are open to this concept.

However, after all is said and done, I still don't know how I'm going to cope when I eventually lose my parents. Everyone is getting older. I'm where my dad was 30 years ago. About 20 years ago, my dad lost his dad. Less than a decade ago,my dad lost his mom. I don't know how he copes with it but he seems to be doing rather fine. Maybe becaus he has been keeping himself real busy after the passing of his dad. That's one more reason why I want to join the army - so that I'll got before my parents does because, honesty, I do not know if I can even cope when their time had come. At least, if I die in a war, they'll be guarenteed at least 100k worth of life insurance (:

I really hate the exam period. I can tell that it's much worse than having a period from the pained look on everyone's faces(especially some of the girls). Some people don't know how lucky they are truly yet they are the ones found to be complaining the most. These
people are going to be "moulding the future of our nation" in a couple of years time.

I don't get it. Besides not having to pay for the "education" that they are receiving, what makes them so busy? Seriously! I know by now I'm just being a pain in the ass to be lamenting about such insignificance over and over again. Buy I am just really disgruntled about all these. I'm like the sandwhiched class- neither here nor there. It's not how it's really the middle class that is really the one suffering because all the money in
the world are with the rich whereas
the poor are eligible to receive money from th through charity. What about
those in the middle? Well, they have to slug it
out by doing this little thing called
work. Bleargh!!!

Sleeping so late everyday and having to wake up so early is killing me! Slowly but surely. Besides air, water and food, the lack of sleep WILL kill you next! Having
accumulated a sleep debt of more than 24 hours is akin to be legally/medically drunk due to the lack of judgement and fine motor skills. Crap. I've accumulated a sleep debt of 9 hours already over the past 48 hours! Wohoo! I am a third of the way there to be declared legally drunk (;

Do we still?
We believe

Sometimes, I just feel that it wouldn't make a difference if I was to just disappear.

I'm writing this out of sheer randomness. So far, nothing interesting has been going on. But then again, I just completed Bad Company 2 in record timing! Kick ASS!!! I guess this sheer boredom does get to me sometimes. Oh well, I'm just savoring every single moment like it is my last because, moments don't last forever. It's the memories of those moments that sticks with you for life (and even death if you you a firm believer in the afterlife thingy[life after death is like sweating in the shower]).

Anyway, the days have been long and the nights have been warm. It's like I'd rather stay in school anyway for fear of being too sleepy to complete the journey home. I should get an Iphone just so that I can stay awake for the journey home. That justifies unnecessary spending right? It is going to be a life saver!

Three more weeks and it's the end of my 2nd Year in NTU. Everything is moving so fast..it's like i've got no time to sit down and soak it all in. Up to date, I've got a total of 14+8+1+2(impending)+1= 26 students to teach. Whoa!!! Well, if you think this isn't quite a feat it's because you're a teacher (or going to be one) and your students are (or going to be)failing because of you. It's funny how Newsweek came out with an article to improve the education system and nobody reads it. Ironically, it's in the library at NIE. Maybe, just maybe, they're too scared to read the truth? Because the truth of our fleeting education system is because of (surprise surprise!) bad teachers amidst a variety of factors. But teachers remain the main factor here.

I kinda agree with what the article reads. NIE are taking a bulk of those who were not successful in entering University/College. It has become a dumping ground for them. In addition to that, the also scoop up those who just left secondary school and also ahtiongs to fill up the MT department. They then pay them cheap cheap salaries and then, at the end of the day, they wonder- why is the turnover rate so high?

1) Little pay
Even a construction worker earns more. And don't be a simple minded dumbass to think that I'm just referring to banglahs. Those are what we call grunts. Go google construction workers. It is a field of expertise which requires at least a diploma in civil engineering.

2) Incompetency
Many times over, this has been mentioned across the board. IT is not the student's fault. After all, if you had a shitty ass teacher, would you bother with the teacher and the teacher's class? I sure as hell wouldn't. And that is how I've learnt the fine art of ponning classes.

3) Administrations
60% of a teacher's time is spent doing that isn't even related to teacher. Lesson plans, CCAs and a whole shit load of things that affects(adversely) the quality of (whatever seems to be) their teaching. In the teaching industry  (yes it is an industry!) red tape has spawned it's way through to the point that nobody can take it anymore. EVEN THE STUDENTS!

So what can be done to, well, change all this? Here's my 95cents worth:
1) Channeling the funds
Why spend so much on something that might be so useless? Programs like STP and a lot of other programs should be cut out. Instead, dangle the carrot in front of competent prospects from the three universities with lots and lots of money. Give them a contract of about 3-5 years. And if they choose to leave after that, by all means go. IF they choose to stay, up their salaries even more. If the ministry can channel the fundings into increasing the salaries of teacher, who wouldn't want to go into teaching? I mean, right now, people are choosing other professions other than teaching because of what that profession has to offer- more money. Though their interest  MAY be in teaching, just because it doesn't pay enough in accordance to their educational attainment.

2) Improving competency
I think, most of my reasons has to do with channeling the funds. After all, would you ask someone who failed in the test to teach you? *silence followed by a resounding NO!* Right now, that is what the education system is hiring to teach young impressionable minds. A few years later, they become exasperated at the number of kids that are failing. A way to improve this is to up the ante at the training institutes. Admit only those who want to go into teaching not because they don't have anywhere else to go but because they want to. At  the same time, they have to had acquired good results in order to be admitted. To go to an extreme end, cut out all programs and build up on the PGDE programs. By then, these graduates would have already specialized in their own fields. All they need is to be guided to the methodologies of teaching AKA pegadoggy or pedagogy, or pedagroggy or whatever. While this may sound radical, like a tumor or cancer, when removed early, it might save lives!

3) Wipe out!
After taking a couple of mods in NIE, I' have got to say that some of the lecturers there are simply truly awesome! So awesome that ONLY they can understand what they're saying. Nobody else does. What was it that they thought? Nobody knows. There are only a few who have satisfied the requirements to teach. So, the ministry should scout not only for potential teachers but also for these talented lecturers and not just hire anyone who shows interest. The special forces selection eventually cuts down the number of people who are interested to those who are actually the best. So why cant the education ministry do the same?

I can foresee a backlash of criticism coming from this article. Well, all I can say ask you is, what do you think? If you, my dear readers, fall into any of these category, well, i apologize for telling you the truth. Yeap! The truth does hurt my friends. But sooner or later, justice has to be served. Cancer has got to be stopped.

Lose a leg, save the body!
Life over limbs!

Never ascribe to malice that which can adequately be explained by incompetence

My Sundays are getting boring by the week. It's like I don't have a life anymore. I know i know..you all just can't wait to agree with me on it; rejoicing at the fact that you are right..right? Yeap..i know my demographics (:

Anyway, the only "exciting" that I have got going on is my Sunday night rides back to school. Music blasting my ear and throttling my bike to full throttle reaching speeds in excess of whatever the speed limit is supposed to be. Well, at least I'm getting work done. That's how i'm going to tell my kids (if i have any) how my uni life is going to be. God damn boring! hahahah! Well, it's not as if I have that much money to splurge on anyway. I'm going to save up for something.

Sometimes i wish that I hadn't done so well for my studies so that I get to be across the road and wait (fervently)  for the 12th of every month. At least i've got money to spend...even if it's quite little too. Impulsive spending does seem quite tempting. Buy the damn thing and then figure out how i'm going to survive for the rest of the month or even the rest of my life as a bankrupt.

Anyway, there's nothing annoying me much now. Just the fact that I'm rather irritated with the number of foreigners that we have in this small island. Imagine the number of Ahtiongs ( I still remember how my professor asked me about the whole ahtiong thing during a bloody lecture! hahahahha!) I met today. I panicked for awhile thinking that I was somewhere further (way up) North and had forgotten to bring my passport. Is it just me or is there really way too many of them?

Anyway, the sem is moving way too fast for me. In just a couple of weeks time, Year 2 AKA my sophomore year will be over! The term in a blink of an eye is merely an understatement. In fact, it is an understatement to call it an understatement! Whoa!!!! Well, let's just say that not all has been good. Wish it had. But then, perhaps, God has got other plans for me. Plans that he has yet to reveal to me. Well, hopefully, I get to see what he has in store for me. It is my life after all.

*Starts praying for a sign*
Nopes.
A middle finger is not a sign that I was looking for.

It's a rather nice place where I am right now. It's very quiet with no distraction save for this. I just feel like writing about it even though I have something to write out i.e. A case study. But that can wait.

I feel rather at peace with my self right now. A view to die for. A nice comfy chair. And practically, nothing to worry about- not even examinations. I guess this is what I feel each time I get to witness this amazing even going on. Despite a the tree line blocking the view a little, it is still worthwhile. Such is the beauty of magic hour.

Each time it comes, I'd have to be somewhere to view it lest I'd be restless. I have to be there to witness the change. It doesn't matter if I do not get to be the one to effect the change because being a witness is enough to be a part of it all.

Light turns to darkness. I hate it when it's night. There's simply nothing to look forward to anymore. 2 years in the army meant that whenever darkness rolled in, it was time for me to play. Literally. Well everybody's knocked out cold, we'd be out there fighting the "enemy". Well, finding rather than fighting them actually. Each step we made could either lead us to victory or our demise. The best part was, nobody knew which way our each step could lead us to. We simply did the best to our abilities and hoped for the best. Faith, Hope and Glory.

It's not that simple anymore now. Night only means that I'm tired(hopefully) enough to fall asleep. I am no night bird and I can sleep almost anywhere literally. I am much worse than a banglah in that sense. But on my bed, sleep comes hard for me. In the comfort of my own home, I do not feel comfortable at all. But out there, out in the field, where it is seemingly dangerous, I am extremely comfortable. Where I can lie down is where I can sleep.

What it used to be

What it is right now

The week has been rather tiring. Although, it's really contradicting of me to say that there is still a lot of gas left in the tank. Hahahaha! Anyway, I've been waking up feeling especially tired. How not to when my body would only me to fall asleep around 3am everyday. It's usually work after work after work till around 1 in the morning before I decide to retire for the day. Even when I do, my body just refuses to fall asleep. Furthermore, I am especially "high" during the evenings. Perhaps that's why I'm able to do all those things in the gym.

List of things that I have "accomplished" in the gym
Bench Press: 90 Kg
Deadlifts: 120Kg
Bent-over rows: 80KG
Pull ups: 12 with 10kg dumbbell hanging(20 without)
Leg press: 140kg still can't do squats :(
Bicep curls: 20kg dumbbells
Dips: 50 reps in one go
Push ups: 25 reps with 20kg plate on my bag (leg propped up on a bench)

So yeah, that's a list of my "conquest". It's rather mundane..i know. But other than school and work, there's really not much going on in my life right now. SO i'd make do with what I have and turn it into something that I actually enjoy. So, my days have been quiet alright lately. Nights are a different ball game altogether.

Work has really taken up a lot of my time. Monday and Wednesday nights plus Saturday mornings are extremely enjoyable. I know SOME people are saying that I'm no teacher. Believe me, I am. And Im no poor excuse for a teacher either. So what if I'm not in NIE?! At least, If i do go there, it's really by choice and not the lack of it. Crap, distracted by crap again.

Anyway, it's really taking up a lot of my time. Perhaps, I have bitten off more than I can chew? A lot of people have been telling me that. Or rather, they have been pretty unsure if i can successfully manage my time. Well, I'm the sort of person whom loves to prove others wrong. Most of the time (close to almost), I will be able to achieve just that.

It's like on one mission. Being pinned downed by "enemy fire". Despite my PC telling me not to, I went on ahead and capture those MGs. I simply told my 2IC," Eh, take care of them!" and then disappeared into the mountains. 1 down! 2 down! Alas, the safety controllers reprimanded us from using the captured machine guns. What a wet blanket! Even someone from the Spec Ops was impressed by what I did. This was all done after my superiors told me, " Fadzil, don't be crazy! You can't go alone one!!" They keep telling me this despite being unable to advance. Frustration got the better of me as I went ahead with that. Hahahaha. They did't reprimand me for my "acts of insubordination" only because they were not sure what to say.

Anyway, the more someone tells me to not do something, the more will I want to do it. Kinda like how my primary school teachers looked down on me for my terrible academic performanc( I still have yet to thank them for that. PFFFFFFFFT!) I can't believe they put the incompetents on the pedestal and pushed me aside thinking that I was dumb or something. Hhahaha. I proved them wrong.

In secondary school, people thought i was one of those "nice" people. Ones that they could pick on and stuff like that. Well, I joined the rugby team and the rest is history. They thought I was going to end up in ITE or NIE. I proved them wrong.

Everyone thought I was going to fail my A lvls. Well, I know I was kicked out from JC after just 2 years. Well, at least they kicked me out with a decent A lvl result. Those who looked down on me, are nowhere in sight. At least they didn't double the required years spent in JC. (Please note, MI is a different story altogether because it is a different kind of institution. Cant compare one with the other. It's like comparing a Bus to a Tombstone.( NO PUN INTENDED HERE!))

Right now, I'm out to prove others wrong by that I do have enough time. Maybe just not for myself.

I can't believe im spewing out rubbish so early in the morning. HELLO WORLD!

Adeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeekkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk!
;)

If you think I MIGHT be referring to you, you're probably right!

Question: WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?!

Touting yourself as an undergrad. DOOD!! I bet you received a long service award for what you did and then still have the cheek to tout yourself as an "undergrad"? HUH?!?!?! That is very very insulting to all of us who actually worked our butt off to get where we are. Worse part is, you pretend that you or your father owns the bloody compound WHEN YOU DON'T EVEN PAY A SINGLE CENT FOR IT'S USE?!

Listen, the world doesnt owe you a living contrary to your skewed mentality. If anything, you owe the whole world a living. Better yet, you owe the world your life.

If it's a fight you're looking for, you've got it! I'm not hiding from anything. So stop pretending that you're not looking for one when you're actually hiding from me.

The only reason that ANYONE can come out with for that mentally unsound anger of yours is this: the love isn't returned! heck..the love isn't even felt! So quite being a pussy and complaining to the individual's parents and getting them on your side with pathetic, fake, lame tears of yours. Nobody can see through that but I can!

I have never known an airhead that is so selfish that they'd rather sacrifice the live of other's for your own fucking happiness. You do not deserve even an inch of it. So quite walking around tall because I've never seen anyone so short in my life before. Even a jellyfish has got more spine than you. Even an 11 year old kid has got more guts then you.

You want a fight. You've got it! Come find me fucking fishfuck!

Apparently, it was my niece's birthday yesterday. It took all the effortless nagging (a special ability that my mom has) of my mom to make me go there. I just didn't feel like going especially with the possibility of them interrogating me for details which I really do not feel like sharing. Thankfully, nobody asked me anything about what happened. Maybe my mom did a pre-emptive strike and told them not to? I wouldn't know. By the time I (eventually) got there, they were all packing up and half the family had already gone home. Phew!

Then, came another unjoyous event- Soccer! Well, Manchester United VS Chelsea to be exact. Apparently, it was the clash of the titans as Man U was first in the table whereas Chelsea was 2nd. It was (I'm not going to admit this if you ask me) rather entertaining. The two goals that Chelsea scored was rather fixed. The whole time I watched the match made me realize that the match may have been fixed. I bet all those soccer fans (those who can just shout at how bad those players are without realizing that they are probably worst off in soccer) are agonizing at how bad the refereeing was. Well, I disagree! The ref was simply amazing!!!

The number of times KELONG! was shouted could probably make up for the birthrate that we need in order to replace the outgoing generation. I couldn't agree more for the number of bad calls that the referee made. Or were they?

Let me explain further with questions.
1) Somebody has got to win right?
2) Would anyone still watch the EPL if Man U who was at the top of the table won?
3) Wouldn't it be more entertaining to watch Man U struggle?
4) Didn't Man U scored off a handball?
5) Wouldn't it be more entertaining to watch teams fight out for the top spot after realizing that MAN u can actually be taken down?
6) Wouldn't it sustain viewership if Man U lost?

Somehow, those questions didn't come out as well as I thought of them. I guess what my teachers have told me all along is probably true. I just can't seem to express what I'm thinking or feeling pretty well. Especially not in writing. But I've found a perfect way to overcome them all- through my actions. There has never been a day that my actions have lied. If you think that they are, you've probably misread them. It all comes right from the heart.

Gory gory what a helluva way to die....

I do not know how someone can be so intent on destroying me. It can only mean one thing- whatever they're doing is out of spite. Might as well go invade a country and claim that you're looking for weapons of mass destruction in the name of world peace.

I've had enough of these childish escapades that people have on my space. I have my thoughts which are superior in comparison to others. So why try to impose yours when no soul wants to even hear-much less listen to it? It's really pointless what people can be doing these days. Feeling so accomplished with so little..

They can say that they're just being grateful with what God has given them. But really? If that is the case, I really shouldn't be doing anything because God is going to be giving them to me anyway right? This aren't my thoughts but thoughts others are trying to impose onto me.

I have always believe that I have to do my best in everything that I do. Sadly, I'm not living up to my own ideals these days. How to when one's heart is heavy and mind is constantly thinking. Sleep has not been coming easy for me nowadays. I try and try- i'd end up being a salad being tossed and turned in bed. IT really stinks.

I guess, some people can just be so manipulative that the others are not able to see through that. WEll i can! And because of such manipulation, the truth has to remain hidden- no matter how painful it gets. How is that being fair to others?

The world does not owe anyone a living. If you're espcially screwed up, the more the world doesn't owe you a living at all. Heck! The world doesn't owe you anything at all- its the other way around! PRetty soon, they'd find themselves in over their head from all that pretending and bullshit that they've called thinking having imposed them onto the minds of many.

I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. It's like nothing that I do is worth anything anymore. Nothing that I did worths anything anymore.

It's really time to walk the talk and not just talk the walk. Words are cheap especially these days with high-inflation rates known as bullshit. It's really not fair that when one is going down, they've decided to drag an innocent soul down with them. That, my friend, is pure evil.

How happy is the blameless vestal's lot!
The world forgetting, by the world forgot.
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!
Each prayer accepted, and each wish resigned

Blessed are the forgetful: for they get the better even of their blunders

I’m going to smile and make you think I’m happy, I’m going to laugh, so you don’t see me cry - Im going to smile

Dear God,

I cannot take this anymore.
If I have done something so gravel wrong, please tell me,
so that I know that I'm being punished.

Please go easy on me, for you have a greater punishment that awaits me in the thereafter,
Tell me what I did wrong so I know that I'm being punished,
Tell me what I did wrong so that I know how to repent,
Tell me what I did wrong so that I know how I should change.

I simply cannot take this anymore,
I'm walking yet I'm dead,
I don't want to lose my faith in you,
or the religion that you have sent to me from above.

If I simply do not deserve happiness, tell me,
so that I know what I should do to end all these,
Tell me what is my purpose on this earth,
Tell me how I should get there to the point of final destination.

Dear God,
If you have no wish for me to be on this earth anymore,
please take me away already,
for the only pain that will hurt greater than this,
is the pain that you will deal with me in the thereafter.

Amin

If you find yourself in love with a person who does not love you, be gentle with yourself. There is nothing wrong with you. Love just didn't choose to rest in the other person's heart.

Life seems to be quite a mess right now. I don't remember myself falling asleep watching TV at 10pm when I've got work to do ever. Professors are starting to ask about my whereabouts. And I thought they didn't know who I was. Well, guess I've left the wrong impression on them. I've got shit loads of readings yet to be done but no capacity to address such grievances.

In short, life's just a big pool of mess right now.

Sometimes, you can't despite wanting to want to know

It's just so me to do everything with my heart. I don't do something simply because someone wants me to do it. Well, perhaps they have influenced me to do so. But at the end of the day, if I do not find the value-addedness of something, I'd either do a slipshod work out of it or I'd not do it at all. I don't know if one is to classify that as a problem or a admirable trait. It doesn't matter because at the end of the day, I still feel that doing something sincerely will win no matter the odds that are stacked against me.

That said, when one tries to convince me out of doing something, the more I will want to prove them wrong; proving to them that it IS possible after all. The only way to show for it is to actually succeed in it.

Right now, it is difficult to put what I feel, what I know into writing. I guess, I have always been the "prove-it-through-my-actions" kind of person. I am sure that there are many others just like me out there. After all, one must always practice what they preach right? Anything short of that can (I suppose) conveniently be classified as hypocrisy. In simple terms: do walk the talk/ put the money where your mouth is/ bla bla bla/ na na na na na.

I still do not know how to go about posting a video on my space. So I guess I'm going to stick to putting up the links to these two videos which I feel are slowly shaping me into the person I'm supposed to be.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FAgbZdrWiN4&feature=fvst
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d5QD951eN58

For me, there exists two different people within a person. The person that they are, the person that they are supposed to be. Everyday, there's a deadly battle going on between those two within each and every of us. Some may demonize it. Some embrace it.

At the end of the day, I'd always stand corrected.

When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained

I'm not liking this at all. The further I go about doing this, the stronger the question gets. Everyone asks this questions time and time again. Some have forgotten to ask this question- they grew ignorant. Some asks, and then they ask what can they possibly do about it- and so they forget. Some ask, and keeps asking but don't do anything about it- others are still finding a way to do something about it. I ask, and am frustrated. I just wish there was something that I could do. Something that would end it all. The question?

What the fuck is going on in this world?

Lately, the main thing that has filled my mind is rugby. When I talk, I'd talk about rugby. When I sleep, I'd sometimes dream about rugby. When I eat, I eat because I've got rugby later on. It's rugby, rugby, rugby. It seems like this passion is slowly turning into an obsession.

But then, with all that I've gone(and possibly still going through), it seems to be the only thing that's keeping me, well, sane. I honestly can think of how I can live without it. Right now, it's one of the thing that keeps me smiling. Well, that and gym. But then, me going to the gym is because of rugby. It's a really good feeling to hear people complementing about how I look, how I play nowadays. It seems countless hours at the gym seems to be paying off indeed.

The gym is like playground to me. It's the only place that I feel real comfortable- having no inhibitions about anything. I have no worries..because once I do start worrying about something, it's time for me to get out. Each day at the gym is me taking on new (controlled) challenges. The day I broke into lifting over the 100kg range, i was extremely proud of myself. That was when I was 17. 7 years later, I'm slowly going back to that state.

No. Im not so much of a narcissist so I'm not really intending of building muscles and looking good. Those are just by-products of my hard work. The real intention is to grow stronger, faster and better at practically anything. But being 17, I was naive enough(or perhaps, lazy would be a better word) to believe that lifting weights was all I needed. National service shocked me into running as I failed my first IPPT in NS due to my 2.4km run. Can you imagine?? My timing was 12.36!!! Even the scrawniest of guys could run way faster that I did. But like anything else, it could be trained. And so I did. I managed to shave off more than a minute off my timing in just a couple of weeks by just taking part of the program. A couple months later, I was able to clock a sub-50mins for a 10klick run. On top of that, I was the still the go to guy for lifting heavy stuff. A 32 klick march saw me running most of the time, leaving the rest of the platoon trailing behind-half of which laughed at me when I timed at 12.36. Ahhhh! It feels so great to prove everybody wrong. This has nothing to do with me having an ego(or a big one for that matter).

Everyone deserves to feel good about their selves. That said, that cannot happen all the time either. There is always a balance to be found in everything that we do. If we chiong for only one thing, we'll soon find other aspects of our lives slowly fading or trailing away. It's a yin-yang situation our everyday lives. Can't do without this, can't do without that either. But then, it sometimes stretches us- too much sometimes that we're way past our breaking point. Personally, reaching a breaking point is a horrible thing to reach. What more when you go way past it? It's like even after reaching rock bottom, you'd realize that you can still sink further.

But, like everyone, I learn from my mistakes. I'd try to make up for it if I can. But if I can't i'll try to do something else like rugby. No one will truly understand why I choose rugby and stick to it till now. My secondary school teammates have all dropped rugby since they left secondary school. Only a quarter of my JC mates are still playing rugby. But each time they ask me whether I'm still playing- they'd expect me to say yes. For them, me saying that I've already stopped would be a real shocker as though they expect rugby to be part of me forever. Maybe it will...

My parents didnt like the idea of me playing rugby. From day one, they have protested and even staged strikes by not going to every finals that I've ever played. The finals of 2001 really crushed my heart when my parents decided that it wasn't an important enough event. Yet, each and everyone of my brother's fights were important enough for my parents to even take time off from work to attend. My grandparents clearly HATED the fact that I played rugby. The only reason that they gave me is that it's a very dangerous sport. Well, which sport isnt?

I guess, nobody will ever agree with me playing rugby- other than my teammates that is. But then again, no team is permanent. And my teammates are ever changing. So how?

I have come to the conclusion that my subjective account of my motivation is largely mythical on almost all occasions. I don't know why I do things

It seems that my blog has been sorta "popular" lately. I've been getting remarks by strangers whom I haven't the slightest clue who made those comments. I guess, the slightest amount of courtesy one could show would be to at the very least identify oneself because, honestly, anonymity annoys. If you dare to say something, do be daring enough to stand by your words at least. This isn't a declaration of insecurities of any form but then, if it's a (verbal) joust one is asking for, the gentlemanly thing would to at least make your presence known- whoever you are.

The week has been extremely hectic. I've been living deadlines after deadlines. Essays, presentations, weekly assignments...sigh. My workload has been piling up and left untouched. Right now, a shit load of readings awaits me.

Oh wells...life is already as shitty as it is. I just pray to God that it just doesn't get any worse. Right now, the FFL seems extremely tempting.

Wish there was someone to talk to right now...

I'm not going to say anything at the moment for fear of making things worse.

But one thing's for sure is if it's true, why does one have to force it anyway? I mean, destiny is destiny after all. Fate is fate.

No amount of human/mortal effort can possibly change it.

It might just result in unintended (terrible)consequences.

I need a pick me up real bad now

There is no map, there are no signs,
We're on our way, we're crossing lines
Strap on your boots, go pack your bags,
No time to rest, no time to lag,

And you know, everyone here has been invited to go
Whoa oh whoa oh oh
And you know, we're on our way,
Into the unknown, into the unknown, into the unknown
whoa oh whoa oh oh

It's alright, it's alright
It's alright we can travel by the moonlight
It's alright, it's alright
It's alright we can travel through the twilight
It's alright, it's alright
It's alright we can travel by the moonlight
It's alright, it's alright
It's alright we can travel through the twilight

This life is good, the road is clear,
It's time to shift into high gear
Everything we're passing fades,
It's what inside our hearts that stays

And you know, everyone here has been invited to go
Whoa oh whoa oh oh
And you know, we're on our way,
Into the unknown, into the unknown, into the unknown
whoa oh whoa oh oh

It's alright, it's alright
It's alright we can travel by the moonlight
It's alright, it's alright
It's alright we can travel through the twilight
It's alright, it's alright
It's alright we can travel by the moonlight
It's alright, it's alright
It's alright we can travel through the twilight
It's alright, it's alright
It's alright we can travel by the moonlight
It's alright, it's alright
It's alright we can travel by the moonlight

Travel by the moonlight
Travel by the moonlight

Once again, something that I've invested so much in has failed to yield anything. I bet the first thing can comes to your mind when I say invest is, "yeS! Money!!" Well, that's partially true only because you need money to do something. Well, you need money to do anything actually. Prayers won't fill your stomach because if they do, those people at the mosque won't be asking for donations.

Everything felt dead wrong right from the start. Sure there were a lot of people who came down to support the team. Sadly, there were no familiar ones. I searched high and low..even right after making that awesome tackle on the "elusive" runner. But, no one. This was despite the promise made. I know right after reading this, someone's going to tell me off saying that there was no promise made. But that's besides the point. I've always been the kind of person who needs someone to support. Even the words, "Go Fadzil!" might mean a surge of inspiration (the higher the pitch, the better)for me to play on. I remember the last time this happened, I won a 200m race despite being the one to trail the pack at the halfway mark.

Alas, there were things that were of higher importance(or impotence as a result). I know I'm just being emo. Just felt like penning my thoughts out. I was just looking out for that someone....

The more I played the game, the more I felt like I was in a quicksand. MY greatest fear has come true once more. The last that happened was in SUNIGs when we played NUS in the 7s finals. Everything was going great than one mistake happened. And then came another and another. The harder I try to rectify, the worse it becomes. IT's a helpless sinking feeling which I felt again once more. The harder I try, the more I do, the faster I sink. The worse part is, There was simply no way I could get out of it. I panicked. I feared. Everyone leaned on me and I crumbled. The only way I was going to get out of that one was to ride the whole thing out.

By then, I've already given up hope of a familiar face. I've shaken off the fact that I cannot depend on anyone right when I need it the most. I don't need a loud cheer. I don't need much. Just a smile and your belief could have turned the tides. There was none. They were all strangers to me. Every single one of them.

Gives me one more reason why I want to join some faraway army so much.

This sucks like fuck

Tomorrow shall be on the biggest day in my life yet. Yet, I still have tons of work to do. Rightfully, I should be home right now, enjoying myself free from worries. I guess that's the juggle that I have to make and make do with what I've got. University is certainly not for everyone.

Yet, I don't understand how most NIE student can claim that they're so busy that they are unable to commit themselves with other things. Things that can actually help them. It's kinda sad you know. You're neighbors, the undergrads, are slugging it out with their daily lives and yet you hardly hear anyone complain about having not enough time. This plus the fact that they have are at a much higher disadvantage because they are indeed spending their own money( well, their parents actually), not get paid and still are able to do things such as rugby, work to earn money, school work and have some time with their friends. It's just so sad....

On another note, it takes quite a lot for someone to make me hate them. Well, not hate but actually insurmountable level of despise. Yeap. That seems to be fitting enough. It's kinda like failing in the SAF: you actually have to really really try in order to fail. Well, when I hold that level against you, you can say that it's safe bet that you did something really really wrong. It can actually come to the point that even when you're dying, I'd just not bother. No. It's not that I have lost my sense of humanity. It's just that I do not treat you as one anymore.

Okay. Enough of that angst. Right now, life is just about meeting deadlines. It's a seriously terrible life. One essay after another. One presentation after another. I do not know why I did not carry out my strategy of doing the first few presentations. Guess, I just can't really be bothered anymore with school-really. Perhaps, I'm just going through motion-one day at a time. Well, whatever it is, it's working because the semester seems to be really zooming past me at light speed.

Anyway, I guess one of the greatest achievement I have made so far this year was to actually get my driver's license within a time period of less than 2 months, no more than 10 lesson with one being on the day of the test and spending less than $500 :):):):):):):)! I simply couldn't be happier.

Well, tomorrow shall see if this year is indeed going to be my year or not. It's been such a long time since I've played a full rugby finals. That means that it's the traditional 15s rugby, not 7s or 10s or 12s or touch rugby for that matter. The last I played in such a final was in 2001. And we won! It's been almost 10 years since than. Time to add another Gold medal to what seems to be an already packed medal/trophy case to my collection.

Those who hate big ships will detest everything that she represents

I am so overwhelmed that my attempts of penning my thoughts down gets bogged down

I am just thinking(out loud)

Love does not exist. It is a scam brought down to earth by mythical forces to screw with us mere mortals. If you thought about it carefully, it has only brought us humans nothing but pain and misery. It is unquantifiable which makes it non-empirical. It is not explainable that makes it irrational.

Hate, on the other hand, exists freely in this world. Usually, people use the word love instead of hate to describe what it is that they are truly feeling. Hate is rational and quantifiable. A murder is an act of killing because of hate. And murders have different degrees. So does assault. It can range from mild to serious. You can either be the accomplice or the instigator. To say that one killed in the name of love is a fallacy. One only kills because of hate of the victim. A victim is still a victim no matter what the consequences. It does not matter if you 'accidentally' killed the person in self-defence but the fact that the person died in your act of self-defence makes him/her the victim of the crime. Crime of passion? That passion is filled with hate.

Hate makes us humans do crazy things(If you still want to call it love, by all means). However, all our acts are the result of rational and logical planning carried out in the name of, you've guessed it, love. Hate makes us plan for it. What happens next can also be explained in full detail. Lawyers and judges will definitely agree with me on this. The act of hate can be fully described in full details. To say it is an act of love is simply irrational; therefore it can be outrightly rejected.

Some might describe love as "butterflies in the stomach". It must be something they ate because nervousness causes the bowels to relax- hence the phrase, " you scared the shit out of me". So what a person is really feeling is a tinge of fear-not love. If you feel giddy, it's because you haven't eaten. But once you have, you'd get that butterfly thing which will result in the flight of brown, elongated "butterflies".

GAHHH!!! I am lost for words now. My train of thoughts has already ended it's service. Feel free to rebuke my claims. I am, after all, thinking out loud.

Thoughts from my rides

Are you willing to believe that love is the strongest thing in the world - stronger than hate, stronger than evil, stronger than death

I guess when push comes to shove, I'd retreat into the abyss. Far away from those who ever cared or still cares about me. I don't know why but sometimes I find the fact that people worrying about me rather, urm, strange(for the lack of a better word). I'm more used to worry about people or rather care for them and then not have it reciprocated. I learnt that as a rugby captain, I learnt that as a commander and right now, I am not learning otherwise despite the fact that I should.

My parents have given me the ultimate form of freedom any child could ever hope for. Even my brothers do not receive such treatment. Although, sometimes, it does feel as if they're just neglecting me. Sometimes, I do appreciate it especially during times when I do need to be alone(hope that that partially explains the reason why I sleep in my own room).

Generally, it results me in treating others in a lousy manner. Me not caring that they care is very selfish of me. I know. The fact that I would do exactly the opposite that anyone would tell me to do proves it all. This may sound weird but people asking me to smoke tends to make me feel obligated to do so. To me, smoking is something that you do along with something else- like having a chat over coffee.

Argh! I just have a real difficult time explaining myself. Every time I try to do so, it'll end up in unintended consequences. Though lately, I do find myself behaving rather erratically. Imagine this, I get agitated each time I wake up from a nap(not counting those I'd take while doing my work in school). I'd get pissed easily so in order not to anger anyone, I'd take the easy way out- not talking to anyone. Best part about it, I don't even know why I'm pissed most of the time. But from the way I talk, I'm sure people would be able to tell that I am.

And about school. Don't get me started on it. I just seem to motivate myself to be even bothered with school. But then again, I do feel rather happy in school in the company of others. But when it's time to leave, it's a different story altogether. I guess, me being sentimental about things can affect me greatly.

I can safely say that I am not the same anymore. I used to be this person who would not run away from problems but would rather stay for the fight even it means my own demise. No, that's not just an excuse that I'd give to my instructors in the army just because I can't clock a decent timing for my runs(unless that run is required in order for me to complete my mission then that would be a different case already since I am chionging to my fight). These days, I'd choose to lay low instead. I don't know why I'm like that now.

Why am I running? What am I running away from? What am I running towards?
It's all wearing me down.

I still think that the non-existence of a few people would really benefit the whole world

I found myself watching a taekwondo match (or as "professionals" call it, a bout) after finishing up at the gym. It made me realize one thing- I miss fighting. I remember growing up on a healthy dose of sparring sessions. Too much of it sometimes. It didn't matter if I had to go all the way down to Cairnhill CC just to get a few rounds of fighting because it was all worth it. Right now, most of you might think of me as a really violent person. Then again, if you see me, I have the calmest look among everyone else. Then again, a calm body of water is usually infested with crocodiles,alligators,buaya..(you get what I'm trying to say here).

Reviewing the videos of past matches made me realize a couple of things. Firstly, I run funny. And im staring at a girl right now (071358) digging her nose RIGHT infront of her BF right now. hahahaha! Disgusting bitch! Anyway...the way I run could perhaps be attributed to the fact that my shoulder has be taped on so as to immobilize it. How I wish this damn shoulder injury would just go away. In fact, how I wish that ALL my injuries would go away! Every single on of them.

Secondly, people have commented that when I do get into contact, I'm like a warthog. I suppose that's a compliment because everytime I do get into contact (due to the lack of passing options), I'd get at least 10-20 meters. The best part of it all, I'd even retain the ball and I'm not even the biggest one on the team(or the pitch). Perhaps it could be the way that I was trained when I started out with the ONLY sport for guys(all other sports are not sports but simply recreational activities). First thing my coach told me was to take the ball and smash through their defenses. Whenever I was caught, I would instinctively place the ball where it should be. And then bla bla bla...yada yada yada. I know this is all boring you all. It bores me to even write this out! hahahahha!

Anyway, I need to fight again. I've got a lot of anger pent up inside me. A bit of fighting would really help.

somebody give me a sign, that everything's going as planned

Life's getting tiring for me. Too tiring perhaps. Lately, I just want to do nothing but do nothing at all. That plus sleep(I can hear all the sleep lovers rejoicing at this fact and celebrating it already). But that's not who I am really. Sleep is something that I do at the end of the night because I'm tired from an awesome day. Lately, everyday is just a drag to me. The fact that it passes by so quickly doesn't help either because at the end of each day, I feel rather unaccomplished.

Right now, school has a rather calming effect on me. The night breeze plus the occasional vehicle passing by amidst the peace feels rather welcoming. In fact, I do not mind sleeping on the benches in school tonight either. Being at home feels rather suffocating now. The sweltering heat courtesy of the El Nino effect is one of the main culprits to my suffocation at home. This plus the fact that there's always a commotion about nothing. The way my family talk things out can be rather noisy so much so that you might just think that you've found yourself in a bazaar or something.

I guess, when things goes to shit for me, I can always back away from it all and just take a ride out. But that's only a temporary solution for me. I need a permanent one. Migration perhaps? Yes! Right now, I feel that moving to a new environment would help me tremendously. A new life, a new start- away from it all. It's just too bad that I do not have the means to do so right now. That plus I have another 2 more goddamn years to finish before everyone(that being of my extended family) would see me as "successful". What would be succeeding in? What would have I accomplished? I do not see it right now. Perhaps, I will see it in time to come.

That said, I cannot be impulsive. Never was, never am. Everything to me has to be logical. Everything has to be rational. I have to have Plan A backed up with Plans B through D. And then I'd ask myself, "why do I even have these plans to begin with?" The process starts over again. I guess, that's my way of procrastinating. However, believe me when I say that when I have the means, I'd even make the seemingly impossible possible-effortlessly.

I need to find my center again. I can't help but to feel restless. The demons inside me are stirring up again. Rugby isn't going to help much since I've only left with 2 games this season- after which, I shall give my current boots a "proper burial" since it's time for it to go already. I should get myself a new pair soon.

Courage is the discovery that you may not win, and trying when you know you can lose

It's been quite awhile since I wrote anything here. Lately, I've been feeling rather uneasy about everything. The only thing that's keeping me going so far for now would be rugby. But yes, it seems that every little thing might annoy me. The worst part is, even though I have tons of things that needs to be done and I've practically done none, I'm not even worried about it? What's wrong with me? People are not the only one who's asking that question. Even I wonder sometimes. Well, most of the time actually.

It's really wearing me down having things which I can't really talk about. It's like I'm afraid to really open up to others. Who knows? Maybe by opening up comes hope. With hope comes disappointment(did I get the spelling right there? hehs). So by having no hope, I won't be disappointed. Just don't want to go through that process all over again. It's too tedious(for the lack of a better word).

But then, I just wish that I would have an avenue where I can share all these without having someone to judge me or anything of that sort. I'm not the most righteous person around. I am truly aware of that. In fact, the person who thinks himself/herself as righteous is probably a leftist(hehs). Half the things I know would/could destroy people's lives. Mine can probably be disregarded anyway.

Notice that half the things that are in my heart and in my head are never written here? I don't intend to write them anytime soon in view of unwanted guests who comes to read whatever I have to say and then get all pissed about it. They(some) then go on to threaten me with a good beating. Beating me up? You've got to be kidding me right? I mean, you can try, but I wouldn't know how to explain to your mom or the IO what I did was indeed self-defence.

I guess, I'm welled up with a lot of anger inside me. Honestly, I forgot what it was to feel again. I can't seem to recognize whether I'm happy, sad, or whatever it is that I'm supposed to feel at any particular moment. All I feel is anger..all the time. I just choose not to show it. It's like being set on fire- a slow one- and being cooked from inside out (perhaps a microwave analogy would be helpful).

BAhhhh!! Perhaps, all I need is an avenue to channel all this. Sure I have rugby to vent my anger on. But then, it's only temporary. I need a permanent solution to all this. Truthfully, I miss the Fadzil that I was.

Just do your best and leave the rest to me

This studying business is really getting to me. It's tiring, boring and mundane. What the hell was I thinking when I said I wanted to study some more. I'd rather do the routine that I did when I was in the army than this any given day. This is how the routine goes.

Morning
Run, Breakfast, Run some more, Shower, Lesson/Training, Nap

Afternoon
Lunch, Nap, Admin work, Nap, Training, Run

Evening
Dinner, Admin Work

Night
Last Parade, Admin work, Supper, Sleep

SEE HOW SUPER SHIOK THAT ACTUALLY IS? It sure beats studying. And on certain days, there will be outfield exercises that would stretch for days. Plus, I get to travel for free, meet new people and discuss with them of a better way to..urm..kill? Hehs

Guess life is pretty much boring to me now. So boring that I have nothing much to write. So, I shall show you a couple of pictures which brings a teeny weeny bit of excitement into my mundane life.

On Saturday, I had a physio to treat my injuries. My shoulder and my right shin/calf. I can't agree that I feel better now because my shoulder seems looser now and the pain in my shin/calf doesn't seem to be going away. But, dear old Uncle Sam was nice enough to gave me an ultrasound treatment which was supposed to speed up the recovery process. The lubricant that was use looked rather..urm..disgusting? It looks as if someone had dumped a load on my leg. Hahahahah

I think if my cat had red/orange fur, I'd call him Garfield. He's so bochap that all he does is to eat, sleep and then make a lot of nuisance so that he gets to eat again moments after he wakes up. So after I fed him, this is what he did. Lying down, literally, on my brother's bed(top bunk of a bunk bed). God knows how he got there seeing how lazy he actually is. And to lie down like that?

He looks angry here. Haahahahaha. Maybe because i tickled him using a stick in the sensitive area. Serves you right for disturbing my sleep and making my room smell like a toilet! Nonetheless, the bochapness in this cat is simply amusing.

So there you go, another day of my "exciting" life! I should probably get out and do something or else I might just die from boredom- really!

The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity

Yesterday was definitely one of the awesomest day I have ever had in my new year! New year as in since I turned 23. Guess things are finally looking up for me again.

How can it not be? After years of delay, I finally passed my driving license. So yeah, my driving license now is a real driving license after all! To top it off, I spent less than $500 which equates to 10 lessons. Out of that 10 lessons, lesson #10 was on the day itself and it was the first time that I learnt a lot of things. Guess I managed to pull of the (seemingly)impossible after all! Hopefully, a car will come along the way. Hehs.

Match against SMU simply topped it off! Cognitive liberation as I've come to know about it. Despite the odds stacked against us, we managed to pull it through after all. First time I was playing a game that I wasn't tired at all. The tiredness only came afterwards and spilled onto this morning. I simply did not want to get out of bed today. Plus my butt hurts like hell from that match. I'm still wondering how that happened.

On a side note, it's kinda sad that I have to come down to the point of hatred to someone just to make them realize what they are really doing. I guess, only with "drastics" can people realize something. Even then, there's simply no guarantee that they will- even if it kills them or that they simply get abandoned by people who truly cares about them.

No matter. Life goes on. I shall start crooning to I will survive more often then. Don't worry. Nobody will go deaf. The only time I sing is when I'm on the road after all.


The key to change... is to let go of fear

It's the eve of one of the most important day of my life..EVER! I don't understand how someone can just decide to step into my life, just for awhile, just to ruin it all for me.

Like the kids at Northlight, it's already hard enough for me. I wonder how someone can gleefully enter, ruin things for me, and then disappear once again. It's like they get a rush from it all. Guerrilla tactics rules the day I suppose.

Well, with each and everyday, my steps grows stronger as you're actions are futile against my strong and steady advancement. Like how you're actions have dealt a blow to me, I'll shall let you have a taste of your own medicine. This time around, I won't be the one to deal the blow nor shall I be around to soften it for you.

Don't come crawling to me just because something shitty comes around for you because I am as sure as hell that once it's over, there you go again. There is no justice in all that. For once, try to be a little less selfish and actually think about others. By the way, 2 people do not have to be in an intimate relationship for the two of them to be treating one another decently at least.

If what I'm saying here hurts, that's probably because it's all true.

Sometimes, i just wish that i could just pack up and disappear for awhile to a place of no worries; to a place with no concerns

How happy is the blameless vestal's lot!
The world forgetting, by the world forgot.
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!
Each prayer accepted, and each wish resigned

My idle mind got to the better of me. Ironically, it was when I was doing something which I view to be rather 'mechanical'. Yeah..stats. I hate it when everything just rewinds itself. It's like watching a dreadful horror flick(one that you wished that you had never watched) over and over again, like the DVD player is on some sort of demonic mission to rewind itself once the show is over and the remote is nowhere to be found. For the lack of better words, it sucks...really.

Being a middle child means having the middle child syndrome. It doesn't count if you have an age gap of almost a decade or so with your younger sibling. Symptoms of the syndrome includes having people to not understand you and then you doing them a favor of being difficult in opening up to them. It's never a one-way thing really. It's always two-ways. Even on the roads. If it was really a one-way street, then why do you still find people walking on the opposite direction? You can say that it only applies to motor-vehicles. Does it really? Or is it because we view it only as a one-way street only when we're in a certain situation such as that when we are commandeering a motor-vehicle? Soak it up into perspective people!

I know this is going to sound kinda gay but I can't be gay in comparison to people whom I know off! I was wondering through youtube when i stumbled upon videos of sclub7. I don't know how i got there because I remember i was browsing through A Day To Remember(awesome band! Look it up!) when the website loaded an Sclub7 video after one song ended. It kinda did me a back-to-to-past flashback as I was able to reminisce my secondary school days. It was all very vivid!

I remember waking up bright and early on Saturday mornings not for Saturday morning cartoons but for the Sclub7 tv show. Till this day, I have no idea why I woke up so early when the show was aired only at 10am. When they shifted the show to Sunday's at 11am, I did the same thing too. I made sure that my weekend religious class would either end before 11am or start after 12pm. Apparently, my "rearrangements" made a lot of people upset because while I call it that, some called it "playing truant" or "ponteng". Well, whatever floats their boat.

I do realize how gay it all sounds but who cares? It came to a point that I infused their songs into my rugby. I would listen hours on end to their songs before training starts. On the way to the match, I would listen to their songs too. That was the year of 2001. We won the 'C' Div Novice Championship. I was the top scorer! A year later, it all works out as I played for the combined schools team and all. Think it's still gay?

Well, the rest of my team-mates and school mates thought I was. So, I just had to reassure them that I truly wasn't the old fashioned way- girls! Well, just one girl actually. Rachel Stevens...yeahhhh....Well, another reason to be listening to their music and to go through all that trouble just to catch their show. I think I've even had correspondence with her once via Email. Although, i now have this sneaky feeling that it was really some imposter. Oh wells, I was 14..I had some rights to being naive right?

14 to 23. That's 9 years ago! Well, it still gives me that warm fuzzy feeling anyway. Maybe I should start listening to their songs again in view of the this coming 4-Unis Championship. Perhaps, after all that, I'd actually make it to the National Team. Too bad that by this time, the legendary Anchor Reds have already been disbanded.

Growing up is never easy. You hold on to things that were. You wonder what's to come. But that night, I think we knew it was time to let go of what had been, and look ahead to what would be. Other days. New days. Days to come. The thing is, we didn't have to hate each other for getting older. We just had to forgive ourselves... for growing up

I've finally recovered! Yessssssssss...

It's really strange that I'm writing so early in the morning when I've got no qualms with anyone or about anything. I usually write when I'm kinda pissed about something. Oh yes! I am!!! It sucks to be broke when there's so many things that you wan to buy. Things like Adrenol or Amino Injector which really really helped me a lot in putting up lean mass. The last time I remembered being extra fit was during the December holidays. Now, injuries here and there. Thank God my shoulder is recovering as it should. Perhaps a few more conditioning sessions before Thursday should help.

Anyway, dreams that I've been having are rather weird. It's weird but nice. Kinda like the way I'm writing now. Never thought in my entire life that I'd be looking forward to bed time. Guess sleeping can be added into my arsenal of hobbies. YEah...it's a healthy one too since I can never sleep past 6-7hours no matter how much I try. IF i eventually do sleep for 8 hours, I'd end up waking up with a terrible headache. It's as if I'm having a hangover of some sort. Perhaps, someone's been making me drink in my sleep(I've NEVER DRINK IN MY LIFE BEFORE FOR THE RECORD!)?

Koko Crunch

Sometimes I wonder why do I even bother with someone who doesn't even bother about it themselves.

I am seriously tired. Training last night reminded me of how it was like to be pushed (way) beyond your limits. Towards the end of training, I simply didn't see a point of doing anything anymore. Besides the frustration that I had towards everyone, it was also my injuries that were dragging me down. It's funny how my body deciding to "act out" only when the season comes around. Well, imagine this, it was breezy, I was drench from my own sweat, it was dark, and we were running(no flying!) and doing a lot of things that might seem impossible to mere mortals. Right now, I'm feeling the sore.

I like listening to underground music. By definition, it's the kind of songs that nobody has ever heard of before. It's the kind when I ask someone if they've heard of the song or even the band and all I look is a blank look and a sheepish no. Either that, or them eventually telling me to stop asking. On a side note, Lady Gaga and the rest of her friends who are continually being played on air irritates the shit of out me. Literally. I don't see a point in their songs at all. It's too vain, corny and it doesn't make sense at all. Don't get me started on their music videos..

My shoulder is still screwed up. Well, game this Saturday at CCAB. HOPEFULLY, it'll hold. I'm going to make that tackle again; the kind that will make everyone go "WHOOOOOOOOOOAAAAA!!!". Maybe this time around, I won't be late. Although, 2pm for a match is rather odd.

I don't want to waste my time, become another casualty of society

The Longgggggggg weekend is coming to an end and I've got shitloads of work to do...SHIT(hence the term)! The weekend has been quite something something. I got real dark from kite flying but I doubt anyone could be able to tell the difference. I game-ed my way through the weekend till my brains are almost fried. And I couch potato-ed to my heart's desire with HBO and friends. It's been a rather lazy weekend. Literally.

I still don't get it why I'm still getting blamed for things. It's as if I was the culprit in all that's happened (or still is happening). Sometimes being someone's punching bag means that you get to talk to them. But is that all there is to that? People do forget that I am a human being after all. Despite the fact that I show close to no expression most of the time, I do have feelings. But people forget that or either that they choose to ignore that. People don't treat others that way much less than friends do. You don't have to be in a relationship with a person to be doing favors for them or even treating them like-well you guessed it-A HUMAN BEING!

Even my cat get's better treatment. Infact, he's getting a lot fatter and lazier. Sleeping all day and meowing all night. It scratched my nose when I attempted to lead him into a healthier lifestyle. I guess, he's taking after my parents(one of the reasons I hate travelling with them is because their idea of a vacation is to sleep all day in a hotel room and do nothing for the rest of the the trip but eat, chill and sleep some more).

Well, the 4-Unis tournament is just around the corner. Coincidentally, my first match is on the night that I'm taking my driving test. Talking about double load. At the rate I'm going, i think i might just spend under $500 for my driving lessons after all. If I pass, that'll be the story for my grandkids(after which, none of them will want to visit me ever again). Rugby wise...everyone says my passing has gotten sharper. But my decision making skills are a little bit flumpsy(yes i made that word up). Inconsistency is what I'm really good at. Statistically wise, I am an error! Guess that's what makes me special(not in the retarded kind of way like what the programme that that institute has).

I keep wondering whether what I written will affect anyone. It can either be in a good way or a bad way. I have this nagging feeling that a somehow, someone(unwanted by society) is getting burnt by what I'm saying. Then, there's others who just want to see what's going on. Voyeurism isn't that bad considering how many people practice it. Then there are others who come here looking for inspiration(okay, I just overdid it).

How I wish that people would be able to open up themselves to the truth because only that will set someone truly free. IF something is meant to be, no amount of effort or decision making can change that. It hurts just to see how someone's denial is consuming them inside-out. It really isn't worth it that just because you don't want to disappoint others, you yourself suffer. It would really be selfless of others to see that instead of pushing through with what they have in mind. It'll only benefit them and not yourself. Guess, selfish people do exist. Last I check, those people who sell fish really stink! I should know, I tried it before -._.-

The worst lies are the lies we tell ourselves. We live in denial of what we do, even what we think. We do this because we're afraid. We fear we will not find love, and when we find it we fear we'll lose it. We fear that if we do not have love we will be unhappy

The day couldn't get any more awesome then it already was! Well, actually, the awesomeness started yesterday. Being able to lift more than 100kg of deadweight off the ground could make anyone's day! Well, just over 50kg to go and I'll be back to how it was during my JC days.

Honestly, I didn't expect much to begin with(for today). It was just going to be another Friday: tuition and then rugby. It DOES sound miserable! I know. But then, one thing happened. It led to another and another. In the end, there was no tuition...there was no rugby(it ALMOST happened!!!).

Well, from the bottom of my heart, Thank you for everything!!! Thanks for the well wishes. Thanks for the presents(i really love them). Thanks for the cards and notes! Guess, this is what a birthday should feel like huh? Well, let's not hope too much (:

I know I risk sounding gay and all..but yeah who cares? I just had the best day ever! Anyone who tries to take that away is just being selfish(or maybe they're just being themselves?)

I sometimes do wonder if there is really a sign of which only others can see which says "Information/Assistance Counter/Person". Today was no exception.

Lackluster. That's probably the best way to describe myself right now. I guess there's really nothing to look forward to anymore. It's a routine really. School, readings, assignments, rugby, tuitions,gym...my friends told me that i needed to break out of my routine; That I looked burned out. I feel burned out. But then, most of the time, I feel that there is this one level that I have yet to reach. I guess the thought of getting there has yet to appear appealing me.

The thought of being somewhere on time has also not rubbed into me. I am perpetually late these days. Like right now, I have already planned to be late for lessons and take my own sweet time to do things. I'm changing- but not necessarily for the better. It's like my pre-enlistee days but even then, I had something to look forward to. That something that I looked forward to did not disappoint me at all!

I guess it's my own wanting of being committed to something now. Pangseh-ing, ponning, skipping training or simply just being late for anything does not seem so hard for me to do anymore. It just does not matter to me anymore.

I need to break out of this. Im a fighter. Was one, still am. I can't just go down like this. Im whining too much! Bleagh!!!

you have been weighed you have been measured and you have been found wanting

My cat is pissed cold from a shower it was given.
Funny that he's choosing my notes to roll under/lie on/roll around on to keep warm instead of a warm and fluffy towel I tried to wrap him with.

Courage

The week has been pretty moving for me. Well, not in the sense of readings and the work(the load keeps piling up) but rather in how I feel towards certain things. So far, three things have affected me. Children Full of Life( A Japanese Documentary), Funny People(you actually have to force yourself through the 2 1/2 hours) and The Blind Side.

These three shows got me thinking about what I really thing I am here for. Well, what my passions really are. It got me to realize that perhaps children are my passion. Well, not exactly those of my own but IF i have them in the future, then them too. Here I am referring to that of others. The unprivileged; the poor; the forsaken.

I believe that EVERYONE should be given a second chance in life. Especially children. It truly breaks my heart that a child's opportunity to success in life gets robbed away even before he is even able to comprehend the real meaning of opportunity or chance.

If it's one thing that I have benefited from my 2 years of REAL university education so far is that everyone's life chances are not the same. It sucks. But like a friend once said, Q: If God is so Al-Mighty, why are there still poor people in the world? A: The poor is a blessing for the rich, the rich a blessing for the poor. That is Mercy. Right now, my entire faith in the higher power rests on that belief.

But that doesn't mean that we just sit around and mope about it. Worse still, we do nothing about it and pretend it isn't even there! Just like what my secondary school principal always say:
There are 3 types of people in this world. Those who make things happen, those who wait of things to happen or worse, those who wonder what happens! He would normally associate them to an eagle, a vulture and a chicken(my school's mascot was an eagle btw so go figure).

For me, I am a rational idealist. That itself is an oxymoron(if you don't know what an oxymoron is that YOU'RE an oxymoron). But yeah. I'd like to fight for the children. It's really the only way for the whole world to start over. To bear arms to protect the innocent. I'd fight under the banner of Humanity and IF I die doing my duty, I'd rest in the Halls Of Valhalla and pride myself shamelessly as I would have done my duty as a human being(at least). Like I said, it's too ideal but I WILL find a way to achieve that so that when I'm my death bed, I'd go away easily knowing that I have done something good.

That said, I am not going to be some kamikaze soldier of some sort. The very least, hopefully some NGO would take me in. If not, i'd start my very own. Right now, I'd like to set my priorities straight: finish right, earn a lot so that I can actually show people a better way to spend their money- not on themselves but others.

Hope for courage and try for honour and maybe even pray that the people telling you what to do have some too

The damn cat keeps disturbing my sleep. I guess it's really out to get me-whenever I fall asleep in the living room, that's where it'll annoy me; whenever I am asleep on MY OWN BED, it'll have it's out zookout/rockclimbing fiesta/singapore idol/etc. in my bedroom. Guess in return, i'll disturb whenever that fatty falls asleep in the morning so that it'll be too tired at night to annoy me. Hehs. THAT IS, if I am even at home.

School is a real pain. I just don't feel like going to school anymore. Not like what I used to. I actually have no reason to go to school except for one-to study. That is a real stupid reason. No one goes to school to study. I believe that everything that you do has got 2 reasons: a good one and a real one. So to go to school to study (classes and whatnots) is a good reason. But the real reason runs deeper than that. And lately, Im lacking of (a) real reason(s) to go to school.

The only thing that gets me moving lately would be rugby. Alas, i am plagued with injuries. Let's list down what I have.
-My shoulder popped out and in 3 games ago so it's on the verge of doing so anytime soon. IT hurts even for   me to be writing something on the whiteboard.
-I've got shin splints so it hurts for me even to walk sometimes. It's prolly due to the ankle injury that I've sustained..urm..god knows when(last season probably).
-My hamstrings keeps screwing me up. It cramped up when i tried to bring my legs up just to attempt a hurdle run.
-My wrist still hurts. But it's good in a sense that I really have to watch my form whenever I'm attempting a push action in the gym.
-My face still hurts from the knock i received from that 150kg gorilla whom i've called Botak Jones.
-My wound has yet to heal and I AM looking forward to the day when the scabs are dry enough for me to peel them off without it hurting (disgusting i know).

Guess that's about it. The list only gets longer and longer. But yeah, rugby does keep me going. I just wished that each side could see that when I am not training with them, it's because I am training with the other side and let me play every Saturday because I KNOW that I AM THAT GOOD! Heck, sometimes I feel that I am better than all of them put together. But then, there are days that I don't even deserve to be in the team.

I just hope that they will call me down for an interview real soon. The pay that they're giving is seriously not bad. Probably will be able to afford my own car after a year or so with them. Hehs.

Being posted to Pioneer Sec is not such a bad thing after all. It was funny at the fact that they thought I was late just because I couldn't find the exact class to proceed to as I roamed hopelessly around the ENTIRE school just to look for that particular classroom. Hehs.

There are three sides to any argument: your side, my side and the right side