Been quite a while since i've written anything sensible. So far, its been signing forms, doing tests, taking down notes and lucky for me, no "signing extra" yet. Basic Section Leaders Course have been trying for me. And im only halfway thru. Not to mention that i still have the Advance Section Leaders Course to overcome somewhere between August and December. In between that will be the fasting month. And somewhere between that will be Hari Raya too. Guess what, its been made known to us that we'll be spending the last days of fasting and the first few weeks of hari raya in Taiwan. How nice of the army =)

For now, lets just forget about how much more im going to suffer and reflect on what i have done so far. The most unforgettable, Navigation Exercise in Lorong Mandai. Horlan aka Holland. When someone even stutters that word, all hope of getting out alive and strong thins extremely. It actually means that you're hopelessly lost. You'll find your way out....eventually....somehow...someway...sometime.

Then there's the life firing. Firing off the grenade launcher was the BEST! You squeeze off the trigger and u watch ur round fly towards ur target. When it hits the ground, you'll see a 5mradius explosion before the BOOM hits you. A totally adrenaline orgasmic experience!

Then there's Section Training. Its really really tiring. Imagine urself training so hard on one day, going back ur bunk really really late sleeping only a few hours and to wake up again later to do the same thing over again. Yeap. Playing enemy was abit easier. But the 4 hour wait for them to come into your trap was bloody tiring. Insect bites, bee sting, heat rash, low blood sugar level black out, dehydration, near heat injury incidents, pissed at some idiot.....everything goes.

Minimum physical training for the week cept for a 4 klick run in under 15mins and the SOC test. Bloody hell. Nvr passed a single test b4 till today. To top that up, i even shaved off 2 minutes off my previous timing! How bloody great is that? Well, as my section goes, the best is never enough. Sounds egoistic but its not what it seems. It just means that we shldnt be complacent with what we have acieve but to go on and achieve as much as we can while we can.

Just seen Road To Guantanamo. Whatever i seen, it pisses me off. People get the same treatment as animals. Hell, i think its a whole lot worst. Muslims are not allowed to be muslims. They are not allowed to pray. Fuck! A guy prayed and he was beaten up. WTF?! Well, the show concluded with the saying, "Well, the world isnt such a nice place after all..." True. Singaporeans would never understand that. They live in an ideal home. Peace and harmony. Heck! We even celebrated Racial Harmony day even though its been historically proven that the racial riots was political and not racial at all. NOT EVEN A BIT!

This place is too ideal for us human beings that we forgot somewhere out there, ppl are really suffering. In singapore, ppl are less fortunate. Key word. LEss. Fortunate. Fuck. They are even lucky to be fortunate cept on a lower level. Anyone knows what's really going on out here? I dont either. But i have a slight idea. People are dying. People a starving. People are dying because they are starving. There's conflict everywhere. Ppl die of that too. God. Its sooo fucking horrible out there that most of us have choosen to ignore it. After all, there is bliss in ignorance.

Fuck....how i wish i got that contract and had the chance to sign on with the army. That way, i can learn my trade, pick up a few skills and fuck off somewhere that i put my skills to better use.


"World PEACE" said Miss Universe of every year. They dont even give a fuck to anything else but peace in their OWN world. PEACE? PISS OFF! My time will come soon and i'll show you what world peace really is.

Week 3 in SISPEC is over. 7 more weeks to complete my Basic Section Leader Course before getting promoted to a corporal. Now i really dont mind about being a section leader. Hell! Im getting the hang of it. SOC is beginning to be a breeze to me. Even though i may not be able to become the best trainee and make it for the crossover to OCS, one thing's for sure, i now am really sure what im really good at. Shooting. Realising that, im gunning for marksmanship. This is even despite of the fact that im getting to use shitty weapons like the SAR21.

The Singapore Assualt Rifle 21. Yeap. Bulpup design. 1.5x scope. Laser pointer. Flashlight. YEah. Looks pretty cool with the plastic magazine too. Rofl. That weapon is a bloody joke. Laser pointer is to be used in close quater battles. Even if we do urban warfare, we'd juz spray at hip level. All soldiers do that. Why? Because we can. And it saves a lot of trouble(that being time and the lives of our soldiers). And the flashlight??? What happen to being tactical. Sheesh.

That's the SAF. Silly Armed Forces. They do things for the sake of doing things. They juz want to be cool and stuff. They juz want to be well known in the region as the best of the best so that no one will attack this country that i love so. Yeah. I will fight the war if Singapore's being invaded. But not with the stupid plubicised stuff that they make me carry. But with my personal favourite prefrence. THE M16A1. Hoo'ah!

Then there's my second point to make. People tend to be stupid at times. Well, im not denying that fact that im stupid too at times, but they tend to go overboard with it to the displeasure of everyone. Worst is, those buggers do not even realise it. Like the saying goes,There is no such thing as a stupid question. Only stupid people who asks them. I dont noe what those buggers are thinking. And while they are at it, they are wasting valuble precious time. Bloody idiots dont even have the EQ to know that at all. They're wasting our time. Wasting our efforts. And they're wasting away our tolerence, or what's left of it anyway.

Cant write much about everything else around me cause everything else around me is currently nothing but the army. Hell, this bloody neighbourhood looked different when i reached home yesterday. But the feeling was as bad as to when i was confined in camp for training. Hell, when i got home, it felt as if i just got home from a war or something. Everything looked really really different. Me and my buddies even forgot what Burger King food tasted like. I wonder if they would really happen if i did go to war. Hell, i wonder if there would still be any Singapore left of or would be just a part of my memory.

Booking out to see the outside world really pisses me off. First of all, from soldiers we all now face Singaporeans. Well, im a Singaporean too but im proud of it for other reason. What im not proud of is the attitude that everyone has. Singaporeans always must have something first. They must be the best in everything that they do. And if they know that they're not good enough, they'll juz get plain ol' ugly. An ugly incident happened to me yesterday in the MRT. Its about an ugly ol' auntie. And its not because of how she looked like, i mean, she really was ugly. But i dont give a fuck if she's ugly. She is an auntie anyway. It was her attitude. Hell, i got into the train. Went to the centre of the carriage so that ppl behind could squeeze in into the train as well. Partly it was also because there was a cute girl sitting down there too. But that's not the point. Me and my buddy was walking towards the centre when from the corner of my eye, i saw this auntie dashing in; trying to get a seat. Fuck. There were still a lot of seats inside the train. I boarded at Jurong East btw. Yet, she just had to rush for 1. She end up banging into me and almost get me to knock her down.( I stood tall and stiff. You cant knock a soldier down. Only soldiers are able to do that to one another) I gave her the stare and pissingly told her "Auntie! Why the rush? There's still a lot of seats left. I was thinking of sitting but you can have my seat. Happy?" Yeah. That felt really good. Feels bloody good to tell someone off. Well, that's just one classic example which you can notice about Singaporeans. Try obeserving them closely. And guys, dont be afraid to tell them off. If they want to whack you, well...just whack back! Other than that i cant do much coz most likely i'll be in camp training away to become a Combat Spec.

EVERYTHING IN THE SAF IS RESTRICTED. EVEN A BLANK PIECE OF PAPER

Life's moving a little too fast for me. Well, currently, i dont really mind that coz im at the shitty point of life. Yeap. Undergoing a tough course. It's not physically that tough, but its just that mental thing. We only get ot go out for 24hrs. Yeap. 24hrs a week. That's not even enuff for us to enjoy ourselves. Not abit anyway.

Anyway, life's a fuck.

School of Infantry Specialists. SISPEC. Fondly the acronym for Suffer in Silence, Please Endure and Control. Urm, some truth to that. But who's complaining? We're there to train to become junior leaders. Yeah. I've finally accepted the fact that all im going to become is a Sergeant in the army. Yup. The psycho-ing that they did to me didnt affect my judgement. It was my mere reflection of the good that i could do as a Sergeant. As the saying goes, " The sergeant IS the army". Without us, wars cannot be fought. 1 person cannot command 27 soldiers effectively without someone like us to guide them effectively. We are the link between them and the warriors. We are the link that will decide whether victory is ours or not.

Well, suprisingly, there are still people who tries to wayang. Very suprising indeed. I dont really see the point of them doing that. I mean, you dont become a good sergeant by showing off in front of ur superiors. You do it by earning the respect of your men thru your leadership, your fighting spirit, your fitness and by being a soldier first. I cant accept the fact that people do not think of the bigger implication our training has on us. Firstly, we're soldiers. That means we're the guys who fight wars. We kill fuckers who try to invade our island. We make sure people who do the same do not get killed. We win the war. Plunder is ours. Also known as spoils of war. Yes. That's what we're supposed to do. Not, " I want to go to OCS!" For fuck!? The fucker cant even give a good reason to why he wants to go to OCS. WEll, i can think of a few. It does make ur resume look good. BUT FUCK! We're soldiers!

If you cant operate as a soldier and train as a soldier, what's the use of NS. You're not there to play im-the-best-and-not-you-all-coz-im-an-officer-and-ure-not-so-piss-off-fucker. This isnt some fucking school camp. This is real. War might come anytime soon anw. So might as well train to fight a war. Not get-gold-for-ippt-and-sub9.30-for-soc-so-that-i-can-go-to-ocs-and-sign-on. Fuck. That was what i wanted to do. Sign on as an officer. Why? Because i believe i can contribute more to society as a soldier. Why an officer? Well, i believe i have ideas on how the SAF can fight a war more effectiveyl. That's y i want to go there. Yes. But his? Fuck. Just so that he can look good.

Why god? Why do you create such people? Is it so that we will know what tolerance is? Well, if it is than thank you. But tt fuse my just break anytime soon. If it does, the fucker's in for a jolly good ride.

WITH PRIDE WE LEAD.
HOO-AH!

Basic Section Leader Course. Yeap. Back to basics. As a leader. More swearing. More cursing. More sweating. More learning. More leading. Hopefully there will be no wayang-ers down there. Or else....

SISPEC. Fucking SISPEC. What the fuck?! I wanted to sign on with the SAF. And they send me to SISPEC?!?! WTF is wrong with them?!? And they keep wondering why is it that they have a shortage of manpower at all times. Becoz...PPL LIKE ME WHO WANTED TO SIGN ON AS AN OFFICER GETS TURN DOWN WHILE PPL WHO DONT WANT IT AT ALL GETS OFFERED A PLACE TO SIGN ON. THEY DO NOT EVEN WANT IT IN THE FIRST PLACE. SO WHY OFFER IT TO THEM IN THE FIRST PLACE??? OFFER IT TO PPL LIKE ME YOU DUMBFUCKS!

Tommorow is the day of the reckoning. Either i go OCS or SISPEC, i shall know tmr. OCS and i'll really sign on. SISPEC and urm...well, carry on for remaining time of my national service and then fuck off. Study. Get a job and laugh about my time serving the country. Well, maybe i'd sign up with some Private Military Contractor and see the world as a pro-soldier. That'd be the experience of lifetime, provided i dont get killed first. That'll be the day.

Crap, im out of things to write about. Maybe i'll write again later when im a little bit pissed. Yeap. That's about the right mood for me to write.

The magical word that starts with an RRRRR! RUGBY! The best thing that ever happened to me...yet. Its the only place for me when the world stops for 40mins at one time. I dont care what is going on outside. All that matters is me, my teamates and where the ball is. YEap. Rugby.

Ever since i started NS, i missed out alot on rugby. No. Ever since i finished school. Or maybe ever since the tourney ended last year. Yeap. The feeling sucks. I'd give anything...ANYTHING to play rugby for my school again. ANYTHING. Anything at all. Sian. Saw them on video when they played the final. I dying for that moment again. DYING! Schoolmates cheering you on. Everyone is so hype. And the prize is already within sight. At that point of time, the moment is yours. The field is yours. The game is yours. The world has it's eyes fixed onto you. Well, maybe a small portion of it. But heck...that's all you'll ever need.

Bad news is that i found out that i got bad at rugby. Havent touched the bloody oval ball for months. And now....i suck at it. Maybe a little bit rusty. After all this is done, maybe i shld pick up rugby again...who noes. Might lead me somewhere.

Its here again. The feeling of directionless. Life of no direction. I hate it so fucking much. Why? Well, i've really got nothing to do. Great. BLOCK LEAVE! Yeah. I wish there was something to do. 6 years ago it would be going to school in the morning. Training in the afternoon. Another training at night. Homework after that. Sleep. And the process would start all over again. In between would be fun and a bit of slacking. A BIT of slacking. The right dose of slacking can help someone relieve from all the stress of being a singaporean. But too much?! Fuck la. Do you what happens to soldiers that have a bit too much time on their hands? Mayhem. We play pranks on each other. Heck, history has showed us what soldiers are capable of when they are fucking bored. Crap....

Writing has become such a chore. Nowadays its the case that i blog every weekend. Only when i have the mood and time to do it. Usually the mood will be pissed or else i have no inspiration to write about something. Right now im pissed because i have written in quite awhile. Hence, there's inspiration...I think. More like motivation.

Past 9 weeks has been "enriching". I learnt how to take responsibility...well sort of. How to get things done right away when there's things to be done. No more procastinating. How to be confident in whatever i do. Even though it may seem wrong at first...just realize it and keep going with a little bit of adjustment here and there. Yeah. Improvise. And conditions are never ideal. You get what you're given and make do with what you have. Squeeze out the best results even from the most shittiest situation. That's the army. =)

9 weeks passed so bloody fast. We didnt realize it was going to be that fast. We kept bitching and moaning and how grate we would be once we get out of Tekong. I hate more reasons because i live so bloody far away from it. Every weekend i take more than an hour to go home and go back to tekong home. That's the only bitch factor for me. Other than that, trainings fun, tiring, and sometimes things are done quite ridiculously dumb. Maybe im the only one to realize it. Or maybe im the only one to voice it out. Either way, thats the pissing factor of my BMT.

Well, hard times are gone. We move on. They'd become mere memories and we try desperately to stay connected to one another. I doubt everyone will do that. Only a certain few. The certain few who doesnt really care what others are like. But how much of a company they can provide. You give and take. You give in before you make others take in. You dont make them take what you give. Yeah. It'll never work that way.

Goodbye Cougar Company. Stay in touch soldiers...

Things you learn in the army will shock you. It even changes you forever. The way you look at life and at everything else in the world becomes different. No longer do you see yourself as a dependant of someone but a provider of something. Your importance in society is immediately elevated as everyone sees you now as an adult and no longer a teen or a youth but someone who is to be taken seriously. However, that's not how society reacts to soldiers. They see us as a nuisance. Why? Well, once every week, we get to get back to society to comform to the way of life that we are used to for the past 18 years of our lives. This is a pest to them as we fill up the trains and buses and restaurants and shopping centres with green fatigues and that jungle stench. Children see us and they run away, often in terrible fright. Yes, we might be training to be killers. But we do not kill our own citizens. Yes, we do smell. But its not because we want to. We do know how to take care of our own personal hygiene. Dont you think we know that we smell? We even hate to smell. But its not within our power to not sweat. Heck, not sweating might even mean certain death for anyone. We do what we can and those that we cant, we compromise. We do not do this because we like it. It's because we have to. We're not forced to. We're obliged to. Its an obligation that will last for the nxt 2 years. The only thing that keeps us going is each other.

Alrighty. I've finally made my decision to take sociology in ntu. Yeap. NUS fass? Nah...i want to study. Yeap. I mean it's an honors course that ntu's offering me! Plus, its a smaller class size. And its so much nearer to home. What's there not to like? Then again, i am trying to convince myself to take ntu's offer. Just like when i first picked up rugby. I was on that mundane path of hoping to join the NCC. Yeap. So when i got rejected, i joined rugby. I tried convincing myself to like it. I got hooked after the first training. 7 years later, im still hooked! Lol. These days, the mere mention of the R word would set me of ranting like machine gun on steroids. Ask me about the military, ill still be a little bit composed. But rugby? All hell will break lose.

However, i have still no idea what sociology is really about. Just like the interview went. The prof asked me," So Fadzil, what do you know about sociology?" "Well sir, it's the study of society." "okay, what else do you know?" "the study of society into comformity?" "well, something like that. besides that?" "i know nothing more than that sir" lol. And i thought i was screwed up. Well...others were more screwed up that i was.....i hope. hehs. He immediately asked me to take a brochure about the course. Well...there was a lot to read on the brochure. So i just glanced through and guess what's there? Sociology of food! YEAH! Foooooooooooooooood!!!!!!!! lol. ya. Besides that, i dont really remember much. ANY SOCIOLOGIST CARE TO EXPLAIN MORE TO ME!!! Explain to me what is sociology. How can it be used. How much im going to get paid to be a sociologist. What kind of job...bla bla bla....yea. Something like that.

K. Few more hours till i have to go back to camp. This sucks. Just one night out and the nxt day, i have to go back. WHAT HAPPENED TO 5 DAY WORK WEEK!?!??!!? Liars. And they expect me to vote for them in 2 years time!?!?! Blearghs. You have got to make a better offer you whities! Lol. Whities. White from top to bottom. Whities. Not forgetting that blue and red stain somewhere. Yeah. Im going to call them whities from now on! And im not being racist. Even if i was, it wouldnt matter. Yeap. The story dates back from the time that they were the ones being racists, elitist, tits. Time to fight back. How? Well, we have our own people to be racists, elitist and tits these days. That's good enough of a come back. But we have got to think of a better come back than that in the near future! Period.

3 more weeks before i pass out with the rank of a Private. It's not much, but its still better than being a recruit. Ya. I tink. Anyways, what's with time flying past. Everytime we're doing something, we find ourselves running out of time. Every single day,we find ourselves rushing to wait, waiting to rush. And im not just talking about life in the army. It goes to life everywhere. A few years back, when i graduated from Unity Sec, i was in a daze as sec 1 seemed like only the day before. In just one blink of an eye, i was graduating from an instituition of 4 years. One of the best years of my life. Those of you who are still in school, treasure it. And im not refering to the eduacation part. Im refering to the time you all spend in school whether it's studying or playing or just plain hanging out. Why? COz you dont have to worry about anything at all! Plus, if you did your homework just fine, there really isnt anything to worry about at all! Yeap. The carefree days.

By the end of sec 4, i felt as if i wasted 4 good years of my life by not spending enough time with my schoolmates. Heck, i didnt even had time to reflect on it until i started jc 4 months later. During the time period in between, i worked. I experienced the adult working life. That's when i found out how you're really being treated like a person. I was actually taken seriously by adults and people around me! Ya. That also meant that i had to be serious about my work. But that's besides my point. My point is i decided that im going to fully utilize my time to spend it with my schoolmates. Yeap. I really utilized it alright. ALmost everyday, i reach home after 9. On some training days, i reach home after 10 and on club trg days, midnite! Talking about really enjoying my moment.

Enjoying a moment in life. That's what we soldiers always do. If someone was to give you a 20mins break, you would complain that its too short and all those sort of crap right? Well, we live for the moment. 20mins of rest is heavenly enough for us. Heck, we can do a lot of things withing a period of 20mins. Within 20mins, we would have enough time to shower, change, pack our stuff, chores, read, talk and then move out for our next whatever. Yeap. That's how we spend our 20mins. It only gets better when we book out. If 20mins is heaven, then book out is the heavenly king. How? Well, we have all day to do whatever we want, whenever we want! Ya. But that only lasts for 24 hours. After that, regimentation. So.......we really really really utilize whatever time we have. Living for the moment. We do not care whats going to happen to tomorow. We dont really care about the consequences of our actions. We just do what we like while we still can. YEap. That's y soldiers can be rowdy at times.

Rowdy? huhur. Maybe except for the SAF. I dunnoe y, but they seem to be coming up with all the weird stuff lately. Instead of turning us into lean mean fighting machine, they make us sing all the stupid stuff, henceforth pussifying the army. Well, at least we have our own "haka" which is really following the tune of "we will rock you". lol. Maybe that acts as a counterbalance. But its bullshit nonetheless. Who the heck came out with all these ideas anyway? Stupid bugger.

Yay! Next saturday is college day! YEAH! Going back to get an award. Ya. But that isnt the main point ;) yeap.

Looks like today was well spent after all. Hung out talking cock with Ying Han and Melvin from last nite till this morning. Kinda fun. Then gymed a little. Watched abit of TV. Went out to shop for my army supplies. Went towning. Went Chinatowning. Walked here. Walked there. Its good to feel like a civilian every once in awhile. At least from there, you'll know how to reconnect to ur life as a civilian. It makes things easier as compared to seperating us from the rest of the society for months, or maybe years before letting us rejoin it. It'll take a lot of effort for us to do so. Y? Because soldiers are essentially unruly, uncivilised and we certainly do not mix well with civies. Y? Well, its because we are working our butts off to defend this country while the rest are just...well...taking it easy! Yeah, you can never be grateful about what you have until u go thru hardship in life. Being a soldier is one of those things that helps us to appreciate life better.

In Chinatown today, i saw a malay family. But that's not the point. The point was, their child was living quite a comfy life. His parents, well, they look like the kind that works hard. We all know that our mom had to endure a lot of pain while giving birth to us. I dont know about old moms but i bet(notice the words I BET! they might not be 100% true. its up to ur own judgement. this is mine=) ) that modern moms think that the pain that they have to bear during childbirth was the greatest pain they'll ever have as a mom. Little do they noe that the pain that god made them experience was to prepare them with the pangs of pain that having a child will bring them in the future as their children grow up. And the joy after childbirth. That's the same joy that they'll feel once their child is all grown up and that child will become a parent himself. Im pretty sure that the mom will feel a sense of relieve too as she thinks tat the bad part(child labour) is now over. Even though she may in the grave, that's what mothers exactly feel when their child passes away. Abit of grieve yes. But its more of a sense of relieve. Especially if her child had led a long and fulfilling life. Y? Well, its because she noes that her child ceased experiencing the pain that life brings about. The torture, the harassment, the terrible terrible someting. She is relieved coz her child does not have to suffer anymore. That's 3 different emotions.

The 3 emotions got me a little sidetracked. I once red this little poem about how we treat our moms. Kind of a sad truth actually. Well, the family at chinatown. They dont look like they're well to do at all. Yet, the child was really living a comfy life. Do u noe how much sacrifices his parents has to make in order for him to lead a comfy life? A whole bloody lot. Now, im not arrowing him as an irresponsible son of a gun. Im just using him as an example. By saying that he lives a comfy life is my way of saying that he looks kinda carefree. HOw does he do that? Well, his parents sacrificied a lot for him. I bet ur parents do the same. For example, the school starts asking for more money. What does ur parents do? Put in more overtime work in order to pay for the schools demands. Btw, if school starts asking for money, it really begins to show that the govt isnt giving the school enough money. Yet we pay the same amt of tax every year. What are they doing with the money??? I wonder.... Back to track. Ya. Overtime. They'll just get tired. Then out of a sudden, the school wants more money ASAP! If the boy does not hand over the money ASAP, he will be dealt as a disciplinary case. ya. WTF? What does the parent do? Yeap. Sacrifice. They will hand over whatever money they have left so that the child will not get into trouble in school. Meanwhile, the parents have to skip lunches and on top of that, they have to work overtime. So now, they are both tired and hungry. Yet, they never do complain. Everyday, they put up a strong front. EVen after working long hours with little to eat, they'll keep doing it just to put us thru school. Y? Becoz they want us to have a better life. Some of those children will realize it sooner or later and will not waste their parent's sacrifices. They work hard, get a good education and later on in life: a good job.

Then, there's the total opposite. Generally they are know as brats. I have another word for them. But its just to vulgar for me to spell it out. Just get the idea okay? So what am i trying to say here? Well, our parents have suffered enough. Period. It's time we repaid them of their generosity without question, just as they had done earlier. Willingly. No second thoughts.

I just dont know why everytime i look at a parent, i'll think about how much he or she had went thru to raise their child. I'll think about it. Think about the hardwork, the sacrifices, the everything. It just makes me sad and mellow. Makes me think more. Dont know y.

Well, tmr's mother's day. HAPPY MOTHERS DAY MOM! Yeah. Think i'll take the whole family out for early dinner or something b4 i get thrown into the prison known as tekong serving 2 years for commiting a crime known as National Service. It has to be done. Infact, im thinking of doing more than 2 years. Only time will tell.

You know what i miss the most about life before NS? School. Life as a student. I had fun. I studied. I fooled around. I played rugby. Life was carefree. I was happy....I miss my old life. Why do i hate to grow up so fast?

It really felt like going to war. Made me rethink about war altogether. What is war? Well, war is hell. That's basically about it. What's so hellish about it? A lot of things. One thing's for sure is that you do not get to keep in touch with your loved ones. The other thing is that its bloody tiring. And yeah, it can be frustrating at times. Im sure i swore and cursed the most in the platoon. Nobody seems to think so though. Oh wells. Urm what else? Oh yeah, in war, SOLDIERS STINKS ALOT! Rofl. Well, yeah. We do not get to shower....maybe except when we get pulled out from the front. And it'll last only for a few seconds. I dont even noe y they can even call it a shower. Horrible superiors. But yeahh. We're recruits. We have no say in anything. Even though i know what's going on. Guess what i get for voicing out? Yeah. More punishment. Guess its their way of telling me that me, whom of have no rank at all for the moment, is supposed to be really really stupid. Yeah. Grammatically incorrect statement there because im a recruit. Well, i suppose its for a purpose. We are supposed to be ever-learning. 3-G soldiers i suppose.


What worries me the most is that my ever-fading chance to make it to Officer Cadet School. Yeah. Its a very selfish thought. But god! I signed on! Yeah. Im hoping to get that Local Study Award. This is despite my poor results. Hehs. Nevertheless, i've already secured a place in NTU. Im going to do SOCIOLOGY!!! Yeah. I dont tink im going for the NUS FASS interview. Guess i'll have to study psychology the sneaky way. Hope it works. Oh maybe i could just take A maths! Maybe. I havent done any maths for the past 2 years save for the math section of my SAT. Yeah. I did kinda well for that section. I screwed up my verbal. Wasnt suprised that SMU rejected me. =). Oh wells, the future is still quite uncertain for me. Yeah. Part of me wants to do my family proud by becoming the first undergrad and hopefully a bachelor of something in the entire family(including all my relatives). Then there's another part of me that wants to fulfil my wishes b4 i die; tour the world as a soldier. Yeah. If i can get the LSA, i can fulfil both. The best part of it is that i will be financially sound with it. If not....yeah. That's when the dilemma starts. This sucks.


Well, at least i have bigger worries at the moment right now. Not making it into OCS at all! Yeah. That's the biggest worry of all. Worries of all worries. Y am i worried? So far, i havent excelled in any of the major events. My shooting was screwed up. While my night shooting was close to perfect, my day shooting stunk! I kept missing the target. It was sooooooooooo bright. And it was only 100m away. Yet i missed! I just had to miss. Even my Platoon Commander is amused that i can shoot best at night but am a bobo shooter in the morning. Everyone else was the total opposite. I just needed to do what i did b4 to get that perfect score and get company best shot award. I walked away with nothing. IPPT, dont really want to talk about it. Chin-up, Standing Broad Jump, Shuttle Run and Sit-ups are my favourites coz i can all 5 points for each of the stations. But when it comes down to my 2.4k run, i suck! I hate running. Even though im forced to do it, i still hate it. I sprint. I dont really keep running for more than 30secs. My best timing for my 200m was 23.8 secs. It's relatively slow, but that's just about how long i can run. Other than that, im just struggling thru. Yeah! But if u want me to run a leisure 10k run with ppl running with me and enjoying the view at the same time, i'll gladly do it under an hour. As they say, sibeisian. lol.

Next up is my Situational Test. I really really really have to perform here. I screwed up this morning's granade throwing. Instead of landing and rolling towards the target, my grenade landed and rolled back towards the pothole. Plus, i was really really clumsy. Dont know y. I need gym. I need food. I need rest. I need to be taught the proper way. I need to train some more. I need more practice. Give me that and hell yeah, i'll outperform anyone. ANYONE! Selfish words since im in the infantry at the moment. But yeah. OCS.....

welcome to the suck

Yesh! Finally! THE LONG AWAITED LONG WEEKEND! That's the best part. The bad part is that i have to book in tommorow nite. For those of you who doesnt noe, booking in is the not-wellliked thing to do in the army. We're talking abt training and torturing and all those stuff not like when you book in into a hotel or a chalet. Very different. VERY VERY DIFFERENT!

Today passed by too fast. Yesterday, we only got to book out at 1900hrs! That's 7pm in civie terms. That sucks. And yes, we're among the first few to book in tmr!!! Where's the fairness in that?! Nevertheless, i have to keep reminding myself on why we have to do this. That's the only thing that keeps me going. If not, i'll just suffer a breakdown. Y? Well, there's almost the lost of the existence of a social life. The freedom to do anything i want at anytime is lost forever(i signed up to join the army. shit). What else? Lost my hair? I like getting it done at the saloon. Now, it's going to be barber all the way. Supposedly, it'll make me look smart. What rubbish. Time at the gym isnt going to exist anymore either. This sucks. But then again, im not supposed to be selfish and think abt me. Im supposed to think about others. That's y we serve.

To all those ppl who are fucked up beyond all recognition as to shun us, laugh at us, despise us...let me tell you one thing: FUCK YOU! UNDERSTAND?! What's wrong with you people? Just because we sweat doesnt mean we stink like fuck! Yeah, we stink a little. But we do notice it. It just cant be helped. Try marching a few klicks before even getting a chance to board that ferry home. And im still not refering to even boarding that ferry yet! There's still this very small chance that our superiors might make us stay back if we screw up somewhere! IT's just hope that we have! After we make it back to Singapore safely, then we can heave a sigh of relieve. By then, we've already sweated. So ya, we stink a little. I've noticed it. So is the rest of my buddies. We're people too you know. Human beings like everyone. Cept that we've got dicks instand of pussies coz we're men. That's the only difference between us and everybody else. WE've got dicks and our rifle is ready to show that we've got them! So the nxt time you see a recruit or any other soldier for that matter of fact, dont shun them away. Dont leave a gap in between urself and that soldier. What's wrong with u?! That's the guy who's going to protect you and ur family when malaysia or another other countries that's close enough(and angry enough at us) attacks us u dickheadS!

Nevertheless, my grandparents got that proud look on their faces when i came over. Yeah. Im the first son in the entire family to be in the army. And when i mean entire, i really mean the entire family. That means my extend family too; relatives and all. So everything i do inside, im doing my best. Even if i screw up sometimes, im still doing my best coz im only human. Stab me, and i'll bleed after im done killing u. Punch me, and i'll bruise after im done whacking u uncouncious. Mock me, and i'll be embarressed but not after i humilate u infront of the entire world. See! That's how human i really am.

Guess how happy i am right now? Quite happy! Im finally getting recognize for my rugby efforst in my JC. Im accepted into the Sociology course at NTU! Urm...what else? Oh yeah! Im finally getting to experience how it feels like to suffer like a real soldier does! Nothing to be happy abt that though, but once that is done, i'll noe how to move, feel, smell, talk, hear and think like a soldier. It's the experience that im after. The rugby part...well...i rather have a trophy but an award for a recognition will do.

Rugby was the best thing that ever happened in my life! yeah. Taught me a lot of things. Skills, teamwork, leadership, toughness and yada yada yada. It taught me that if someone hits you, u return him with a bigger hit! Sounds uncivilied but ya, that's how things are actually done cept that its now done secretly. Ya. Go figure that one out. If you were never in a rugby team, ure life is a shitty one. You can try to make it look like u've had a fun and fulfilling life but ure only lying to urself. It's really really shitty. seriously. Y? Well, u're nvr really be open minded. U're a bigass pussy. ure one big dumbfreak. and u're going to look stupid. ya. Life is all about rugby. The greatest instituition of life.

Confinement week is over. All hell will break lose from tmr onwards. Oh wells. Sgt Effendi gave me words of comfort which sounded like, " The week onwards will pass by very very fast". Yeah. I hope so.

I now really begin to value freedom. Hell. All of us did. After 2 weeks of running around like mad dogs doing things that we werent really sure we were doing correctly, we finally get to breath in civilisation. REally REally good for the mind of a soldier. Yes. Freedom. Something that everyone has that we soldiers dont. The people outside only know about being a soldier from the movies they watch, by the stories they heard, lies by the frontmen of every governmental organization. Nobody noes what's really going on behind closed doors. I mean c'mon! If they really do noe, what's the use of putting up fences, barb wires and having sentries around? What's the use of having confidential files? Ya. Get what i mean?

Shit, i sidetracked. Freedom. Freedom is the will to do anything you desire as and when you like. If you want to sit there all day and talk and do nothing productive, you are free to do so. We only have a few minutes of that each day. Sometimes none. Ya. But you noe, the world isnt a fair place. The only reason some of you get to do as and when you like is because people like us sacrificed our time and personal lives to train and defend this country. Ya. That's the only reason why we sometimes get motivated to carry on with our training.

I just watched the incredibles on disney channel. Ya. Rmb that part when Mr.Incredible thought he lost his family? Ya. No man ever wants to feel that way. A man's family is his entire life. He devotes his entire life into taking care of his family. He makes sure that his wife is safe from other chikopeh if she's damn hot. He makes sure that his family has enough to eat. He makes sure that his family is safe from all threat elements. He makes sure that his children gets enough education.
If you dont believe me, ask your father. Or better, ask your grandfather how he took care of your mom or dad. Ask what kind of job he did. Whether he liked it or not. How was it. Ultimately, feel his answers. Seek to feel his emotions when he answers.

So what the fuck are doing wearing green uniforms and stomping through the jungle even though we've got nice comfy beds waiting at home? Protecting our families from any harm. WE make sure that no harm ever comes to them. We make sure that they DO NOT have to take arms and defend this country cause we are the ones that are doing that.
Yes. This is me trying to motivate myself into carrying on with the rest of the 7 weeks left. Ya. 7 weeks left. This week is live range week. The weekend that comes will be a long one. =) The week after will be field camp. and then SIT test. And then route marches b4 our 24k route march. And than its POP after that! Coolness. It's not that long. I hope. Ya. Once we start going outfield, i'll feel less like a prisoner and more like a soldier. I need an adventure. A great one. ASAP!

This is the recruit whose wait is over,
His days has begun,
Reveille at 0530,
Fall in at 0545,
Lights out at 1030.

This is the recruit whose days have started,
Marches,
Doubles,
Every destination he heads.

This is the recruit whose days continues,
Rifle with everywhere he goes,
The heat barely bearable,
The shouting he has to content with.

This is the recruit whose days will shine,
Willing to die, to serve, to excel,
Whose ambitions are only weeks away,
Will never fail no matter the conditions.

This is the recruit whose days will die out soon,
He no longer is a boy,
Nor a student,
Nor a civil man,
This recruit is now a soldier.

This is it. The day of days. I've been waiting for this day since i could ever remembered. Enlistment day. The waiting got turned into months from years. It got turned into weeks from months. It got turned into days from months. The wait now has turned into hours. 1130hrs sharp. That is the time that i have to report to Basic Military School 1 at Pulau Tekong. National Service. The time when boys get whipped into men. It used to. Now it's the time when sissy boys get whipped up into tough boys. They never grow old. Never. They still grow though. That's all that matters.

For the next two years, my life will be on the mercy of the government. After that, im thinking of signing on if everything permits it. Yeah. Been getting good luck wishes from everyone. Rahmat just reminded me of how eager i am of it: Soldiering. Now, the rest of the family is sending me SMSes. Yeah. Recruit M Fadzil.

A few more hours and im in. Good luck with your lives people. This might be the last read in a long period. I hope the rest of the reads were good ones. If not, i'll write again when i have time and access to a computer. If not, CURAHEE! And god bless.