Well, so much for being at home hoping that maybe my family could be eating together to break fast today....That's the only reason that i happen to be at home today. The week that passed by happened to be goddamn hectic. So guess what? I only got home at 2 in the morning last night. And ya, the whole night, i was smiling coz you noe what? I was thinking "yes, finally i get to break fast with my family!!" That didnt happen. Hell, i only did that once with them so far this year's ramadhan. Quite sad huh? Shucks....

I was reading the papers particulary the section where some singaporean gets to bitch abt his/her week to rest of the nation. Guess what? This idiot was complaining abt his lunch being ruined coz a bunch of kids got rowdy. Guess where he had his lunch? Rofl...some prata shop. Crap, he still called it a prata restaurant making others believe that it is actually a real restaurant with real service....C'mon. Who the hell are you trying to kid? And the best part was that the subheading was actually somewhere along the lines of being in a first world country. Mr.Crappyidiot even went on to compare the situation to the one in japan where everyone ate quietly out of respect for others. Hahahha. Japan is an asian country you moron and asians are not as loud as westerners. They are rather reserved. And i think that the first world coutnry thingy that you are referring to are the ideals of a westerner. But have you actually ate at one of those? And im not talking abt swensens and shit im talking abt a real american diner. Or restuarant for that matter where it is actually runned by one. Owned by one. And ya, patronized by them lot. It's actually kinda rowdy. And guess what? Singaporean thinking of first world is one of the western ideology.

Crap...this guy really confused himself. He actually wanted to sound refined, intelligent and courteous, but all he did was to tell people that he is actually, really, usually and normally DUMB! And yeah, thanks for telling that to the world Mr.Larry Quah Chai Koon. Damn...i cant wait to start on my sociology degree. With that kind of credibility, i can proof to others that people like you are really really dumb. And u noe what, that could be actually a professional service of mine! hehs.

God...its been awhile since i wrote anything. The last time i wrote? Sept 2nd. And its already the 22nd. 20 days exactly. Dont really have much to write or the time to write it anyway. Well, except the boring day to day affairs of mine. Well, it can be summarized into a simple simple phrase: same shit, different day. Routine, mundane and quite boring. Damn, wished we were training like the americans. Everyday's a different day. Okay, they do use the same phrase. But its on a bigger scope on a sense of training to go to way kind of shit. But they way they train....it keeps me captivated.

Anyways, what im trying to say that things back in camp is pretty hectic. And things can only get even more hectic for me. Ever find a normal national fulltime serviceman doing the job of regulars....yeap. That would somehow fit into my bill. Yet somehow, i get thrown to be an outcast because the rest of the nsfs SGTs dont see things i see things. Dudes, i too want to get it over and done with!!! And guess what, i'll be done sooner than you guys!!! And what you guys are doing is terrible. Its as if you guys end it next month or something like that. Crap...and you wonder why we get that kinda treatment? Im not being "siow-on" or anything like that. Im just acting my rank for the sake of the corp. And i suggest you guys better do the same too. If not, whatever bits and crumbs of respect the men have for our ranks, will be obliterated. All im saying is, we got a job to do, and we just have to do it right....

Key issue that's been lingering on my mind lately -selfishness. Its the kind of thing that pissess me off big time. People can always say, they can choose not to do things that they dont want to. God...that's fucked up kind of upbringing they've got there. What have their parents been teaching them anyway? Yourself before others????Be first or you'll die???? If so, we as a singaporean society are fucked! There isnt much we can do to salvage or situation. I've seen that kind of attitude in my men. God...wish i was there to square them our during their basic training. I've seen it in the public....nothing i can do to square them out. I can just fumingly comment about it to them right into their goddamn faces. Just a few days ago, my sayang was taking the bus. The usual rush hour crowd. She was standing next to a pregnant lady...she's about urm 8mths late? Yup. And surprise surprise, none of the those dickheads decided to give up their seat to her. Hell, most pretend to fall asleep. PEOPLE!!! I NOE YOU'RE TIRED. GUESS WHAT? WHEN YOU'RE SHAG, YOU'RE NOT ALONE!!! TRY BEING PREGNANT DICKIES!!!

Well, that's singaporean in a nutshell. My sayang was the one who gave her seat when she finally got one to that lady. Hmph...this stinks. Why do people act this way? Is it because of their upbringning by their fucked up parents? Probably...the pressure that they're getting at home? at work? So much so that they finally switched off their human side of them and decide that its only the survival of the fittest from now on(nonetheless, i still can outrun any of you office fatties!! mwahahahahahah!) and everyone is being more of an animal than human. PEOPLE!!! GOD GAVE US A BRAIN AND A HEART FOR AN EXTREMELY GOOD REASON! So that we can think about others and feel what others feel. Well, yeah, that's one of the reasons why. But its an extremely good reason not to be selfish and act more like animals than humans...

Haiz...thankfully, there's still a handful of people who are not like that...utopia has yet to be found.

but i've found mine! and i think she's still asleep right now. hehs. still, i get to be with her later tonite. cant wait for that =) (im grinning goddamn big right now)

I might sound like a pussy after this for writing this but....who cares? Writing something on my own blog is well, kinda like talking to someone else..only that i can do it better. Yeah...i can write better than i can talk.

Oh well, its sunday already. Yeap. Usually, i'd be looking forward to sundays. Why? WEll, that's coz i get to spend my day with my sayang. That's why. But today's an exception. She's got a couple of functions to attend to. Yeah..family functions. So i guess yesterday was a trade off for today huh? Coz usually, she wont be around on saturdays...this time around, its today. Oh well...

The past few days have been great. Hell, describing them as great would be a big understatement. Ever since i got back to Singapore, all i wanted to do was to spend all my time with my sayang. Even if it meant that i had to wait till she knocks off and ya that time spent with her is the journey back home, it was worth it. Every single second of it was worth it. And yesterday...yeah, couldnt be more pissed. I had my saturday carefully planned out. And then, BAM! a meeting at 9?! And ya...so much for 9 to 12. It streeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeched all the way till 1 plus. It's like one of the last opportunity that i get to spend time with her and all they want was to suck every single minute of my time. AND THE NXT FEW WEEKS IS GOING TO BE FUCKING HECTIC!!! WEEKENDS ARE GONNA GET BURNT!!! Goddamn!

Yesterday...despite the little time available..was great. Again, an understatement there. Makan, movie and urm...neoprints. And yes, that neoprint was for you sayang. If anybody else asked me to do it, no chance in hell am i going to do it. But since you asked, i had to give in to my sayang. Yeap. The only part i liked in that movie was having my arms wrapped around her. hehs. Truth be told, i wasnt concentrating on the movie at all sayang. Not even the slightest bit. I was concentrating on you. Yup, throught the entire movie. How i wished yesterday didnt have to end. Yeah. The part when we reached your home was the part i hated the most. I hate goodbyes...even tho i noe that we're going to go out again soon enough sayang....

Haiz...

And for those regular readers, i have not turned gay neither am i a softie. I still punch like how i used to punch. I just miss my sayang alot. A whole damn lot....So if you think that i have indeed gone pussy, well, gimme a call. We'll set a place and time. And you'll then realize how much of a pussy i am not alrite?

Alrighty then. Im back in singapore...cept that this time around, it doesnt feel that i've been away much. Dont see much changes compared to when i went overseas a couple of times ago. Cept maybe for the weather. I was coming home half-expecting to see it being all sunny and stuff, but all im looking at now is the gloomy skies. DAmn....

Alaska was nice. Training there was rather enjoyable, even tho it was a little bit tiring(then again, if it werent tiring, then it wasnt training). I enjoyed myself immensely training with em' americans. They had the right attitude, the experienced war themselves and hell yeah, they are preparing for the right thing. WAr actually. And because they are perparing to go to war, they actually took their training seriously. Not like what we have here. Its all half-a-dust kind of shit that we've got going on here.

But being back here, it feels great! At least im not thousands of miles away from my sayang. hehs. And i've got my family here too. Well, that's the only reason as to why i still love being in singapore. Other than that.....im not so sure. I hate the singaporean attitude. Yeah...always wanting to be first in this and that. And if your not(even if you're second) you actually get mocked at, criticised, ostracised...we're lucky we dont get circumsiced just for not being first in something. WE'RE KINDA LIKE CHINA ALREADY!!!!!! WHY?!?!?!?!?!?

Issit because we're small, that's why we have to be super super competitive just so that we can survive? Maybe...probably...most likely. Well, i'd understand that as a work ethic...but in everyday life??? Omg...i came back to singapore, reading a local news saying that parents are queuing overnight just for a place at some school. GAWD!!! Wtf is wrong with these people???? Yes, i understand that its a good school. But dont they realize just how ridiculous they look just by doing that. DOnt they realize how ridiculous they're making the rest of us look like to the rest of the world???? Why are people acting as if we are the only ones on this goddamn planet???
Somebody better come up with something fast. And btw, mr.goverment, incase you're wondering why the young people are packing their bags for other countries, its not really abt the jobs, or the money...its really because of singapore, and singaporeans. Expensive housing, expensive cars, obnoxious people, stupid people, ridiculous people...yeap. That's the reason. If you want to keep us in, you either keep those things out, of the good ones will be the ones going out. Either keep the good ones in and the bad ones out, or vice-versa. That's the way things work.

I mean, i noe why something things are the way it is...but some things surely can be figured out for a better solution right?

And ya, i noticed something really really ridiculous abt singaporeans. Dont they find it fucking hot here??? I mean, i can be wearing just a polo-t and berms to go out, and im already sweating like a fucking god damn pig. Yet, i see them wearing jackets walking around as if it is actually cold here. Seattle was windy, people wore jackets for that reason. Alaska was cold, people wear jackets for that reason too. Fuck....a majority of the people there do not wear jackets because it was actually cold in a nice way. And ya, they wear jackets just so that they'd feel warm and toasty. I seldom wore one when i was there. So why they fuck are singaporeans wearing em' goddamn jackets in a fucking hot and humid place and walking along the streets??? Yes...it bothers me! IF they say that the jacket looks nice, they jsut have to put it on...they'd i'd say you're vain. IF you say that it gets cold inside and aircon room, they yeah, by all means. Or better yet, remove the air-conditioning and just put in the fans to work. You'd save energy too you know. Other than that, you seriously need a check with the brain doc to sort things out....

Other than that, im just happy to be back in singapore where my sayang is =)

Hmm...just a few more hours and i'd be flying off to some forsaken place to train for the army. YEa....for the greater good. Guess, im going there for a reason. Guess everything happens for a reason. Hopefully, its for a good reason.

So, sayang's really really upset coz im flying off later. Who wouldnt be? But ya, this would be a real test for us i guess. Let's see how the distance would actually make us stronger...make u stronger sayang. I wont be gone for long. I'll be back sooner that you actually realize it. And when im back, the first thing im going to do is to call you and let you know that i've touched down in SINGAPORE.

Alaska...hm...guess i would have to make the best of things. HAve to be optimistic and positive in such situation and make the best of things. With the right attitude, even the longest of years can seem short. But ya, that doesnt mean that i wont miss you sayang. That doesnt mean that i wont be thinking of you all the time. It only means that i dont show it so that i can be strong for the rest.

Concentrate on what's on hand k sayang? Time passes by faster that way. WAy fast...so fast tat i'd be back even before you realize it.

Hmm....

All my bags are packed
I'm ready to go
I'm standing here outside your door
I hate to wake you up
To say goodbye

But the dawn is breakin'
It's early morn
The taxi's waitin'
He's blowin' his horn
Already I'm so lonesome
I could die

(So) kiss me and smile for me
Tell me that you'll wait for me
Hold me like you'll never let me go
'Cause I'm leaving on a jet plane
Don't know when I'll be back again
Oh, babe, I hate to go

There's so many times
I've let you down
So many times I've played/(fucked) around
I tell you now
They don't mean a thing

Every place I go
I think of you
Every song I sing
I'll sing for you
When I come back
I'll bring your wedding ring

(So) kiss me and smile for me
Tell me that you'll wait for me
Hold me like you'll never let me go
'Cause I'm leaving on a jet plane
Don't know when I'll be back again
Oh, babe, I hate to go

Now the time
Has come to leave you
One more time to let me kiss you
Then close your eyes
And I'll be on my way

Dream about the days to come
When I won't have
To leave you alone
About the time
I won't have to say

(So) kiss me and smile for me
Tell me that you'll wait for me
Hold me like you'll never let me go
'Cause I'm leaving on a jet plane
Don't know when I'll be back again
Oh, babe, I hate to go

I'm leavin' on a jet plane
Don't know when I'll be back again
Oh babe, I hate to go


Feeling a little bit mellow now..Okay. For once, lets not talk abt the general public. Or public with General in rank. General Public..hhohs...Leader of some private army. Contradicting little prick.

But ya...im not talking abt that. Why am i mellow? Well, this is the first time im leaving someone back in singapore to go to other countries. All this while, i've only left my family behind. The difference? My family has got each other to comfort whilst im gone. They can talk to each other about me if they want to( out of which, i really really doubt they'd do that. Haha...my mom actually loves it when im not at home anyway coz i dont noe y. My dad hates it coz im much much smarter than he is and being outsmarted is something that my family doesnt like. It runs in the family. MY brothers coz i wont be annoying them or irritating them). So ya....

The last time i didnt talk to sayang for a few days, i went crazy. Honest. Even for the littlest of mistake got reprimanded harshly by me. And they were all coursemates. Hahahahaha...wish my men luck.

But ya...me missing my sayang alot(even at this very moment) proves one thing right? I dont take her for granted. Not even a bit. Everyday, i thank god for making me bump into her again. Pure coincidence i tell you. Nothing was planned or prearranged...not by me anyway. God has his tricky tricky ways...

I still remember 8 years ago. This is the very same girl whom i sat next to the entire year in pri school. THE ENTIRE YEAR!!! hhahaaha...i didnt even looked at her and muttered the words " hi. how are u?" People change with times dont they? Funny story. No...great story for the children! yea....Fadzil's versh of "How i met your mother"

Even up to this day...the thought of me meeting her still makes me nervous. I dont know why. Maybe i dont show it...but ya...i am actually. My training thought me not to show it. Training proved to be goooooooooooooood. But yes...i actually am..every time. Guess that's what happens when u're about to be with that special girl eh? Happens to evryoe i guess....unless im the odd one out, that ya, it just happens to me.

Read this and rmb it people. Fadzil's blog is not meant for the mushy stuff. So appreciate this coming from me not that often. Those who think you know me, think again....=)

This is probably the first weekend i have at home in weeks...maybe a month or so. God...have it been so long? First it was the course. Yup. Done through with that. Then, i had the weekend duty..fuckers thought it was only fair since i was away on course for soooooooooooo long. YEap. Thanks wankers! Then, it was the ops standby duty. Crapped up week it was. Followed by another weekend duty. They just love to torture me dont they? Guess what, this is probably the last weekend that i get to spend at home coz coming next week onwards, its hello USA! Then after that, it'll be "Hello, Charlie, this is SGT Fadzil. What do you want?"

Nonetheless, it was quite a good weekend...even though it was all boring and stuff..but my real chance to just slack around and do nothing...really nothing at all! Yea...being the lazy lazy slacker that i was way back then. I remember those kinda saturdays. WAke up to saturday morning cartoons( cartoons just got crapier nowadays with tons of anime. I mean, it was already brainless and mindless crap...they didnt have to turn it any crapier as it is...I LOVE MY CRAP!!! Yeap..just the way it was) followed by some gym then some lunch, some afternoon movie on tv, some malcom in the middle, some simpson, some saturday night movie and then some sleep after that. YEap...im a total couch potato on saturdays...ask my friends. It takes a real effort to get me out of my house on a saturday.

That was that till rugby came along. Yea...every saturday evening or afternoon was match day. Loved playing rugby for my club. Things got sooo intensed, that i got bored with playing rugby at school. YEap. BEing greedy there. But i got better so playing rugby against other schools seemed a little easier...right? Haha..not if people whom you played with in the clubs also played for the schools that you played against. They came in a group. I came alone. DO the math. Go fish!

But yesterday...hmm...yesterday was plain lazy. I was even too lazy to think( can you imagine that? Too lazy to think...dont ask me how, but im very very capable of that. In a good way though. It relaxes the mind...and body..and...urm...everything else?) DAys like that, they hardly come along these days...not esp when u grow older. There's always something for you to do. Yeap. Even the ah peks and nyonyas have something to do. The ah peks have to go to coffee shop in the morning and bitch about just anybody they can think off...laughing away, smiling coz they think they're one bunch of smartasses(despite their teeth all falling away). In the afternoon, they just laze around, doing just about the same thing again...then when the night comes, they become his chikopeh beings, roaming around geylang...looking for some loooooooooooooooooooooooooove. Oh yea baby!!! rofl.

The nyonyas...hmm...they do this every single day. They jsut love to do it. It's like they will die if they dont do it. What issit that im talking about? WEll, they love to stink up the market and just practically everywhere they go. Dont they even bother to shower or wash their wrinkly faces at all coz they know tat at some point in the day, they're going to make contact with other people who can actually tell just how bad they stink! God...its not as if the market wasnt stinking enough(or maybe they're the ones who did it....maybe one or two died there or something just to stink the place up little? You know, just for the ambience?)

Well...my point is, as you grow older, you end up with more and more things to do. Crap...i miss being that small little boy again who's job is to practically annoy my parents(when they were around anyway) and ya...do practically nothing but to slack around, play alot and just being a little boy. Life would be more fun that way wouldnt it?

I've been wondering...why do people watch scary movies? What's the point? What "kick" do they get from it? Is it for just pure entertainment? Or they want to be scared? Or maybe, just maybe, they want to dwell for just a moment in a killer's mind.

If its for pure entertainment, well hell yeah! Go ahead people! Our boring lives need to be filled with something. So why not fill it with horror? Its not as if our lives are not horrifying enough anyway.

And that brings us to point number 2! Getting scared. Just link it to point number 1. It explains itself.

Point number 3? Dwelling in a killer's mind for just a moment. Hehs. I dwell in one every single day of my life. Its never nice to kill. The moment you kill, you just made some poor bastard an orphan. Or if it was a child you're talking about, you just took the life of some bastard's offspring. That bastard will then go off the spring. YOu must be wondering right now...how come I dwell in the mind of a killer every day. Well...dont have to be a killer to dwell in one do i? I just have to be trained as one. Trained to kill. And yes...im not talking abt some mambo jambo shit like the army teaching us to kill. We only learn to pretend to kill. And in pretending to kill, we all pretend to be hurt. So to sum it up, nobody knows pain for sure....cept maybe i do.

Pain. That's one bitchy thing one can ever feel. Too bad i dont feel like writing anymore for now. I want to watch my tv first. hehs

Why do people smoke? Hmm...funny im asking this question since im one of those people. Part of the smoking population eh? So, this question could be very well directed at myself. Doing some soul searching on the world wide web? Perhaps...or maybe it just struck me. Why am i smoking???

S-T-R-E-S-S. Yeap. The number 1 reason people give as to why they smoke. Its understandable lah. I mean, you need an outlet to release some of that tension right? And among all the things that you can do, smoking is the least harmless. Shocking statement? Let me explain...
Imagine you get involved in a stressed induced conflict. Let's say, you decided that you dont like that guy's face and you would really love the pleasure of rearranging it. You could get hurt, he could get hurt...and there's still the collateral damage worth mentioning.
Then, there's always you talking too much. God...how much trouble you're going to get yourself into.
And lastly...you can always go boozing. Crap man. It's instant death if you happen to be driving.
See my point here?

Medical reasons states otherwise saying that its the nicotine in your blood from all that cigarettes that's actually causing the stress. Gee, i didnt noe every single tom dick and harry smoked cause everybody's facing some sort of stress. Smokers simply choose to smoke as an outlet. But yes, i agree that nicotine induces uneasiness among smokers. WE need the nicotine to feel all comfy. Its called an addiction. But its not as bad as the addiction to drugs, caffine, sex, alcohol and plenty of other things that might seem normal to you and others, but my opinion differs. Not just a bit, but by alot.

Right now, i know i might sound as if im promoting smoking. Im not. Im just stating facts here. Im just saying why people smoke. Why? So that we can actually understand the problem first before we can search out for the solution. Hasnt the army taught any of you that? Appreciation of Situation ppl!!! For those in the SPF or SCDF, you're not excused. Policemen fight baddies off the streets, Firefighters fight fires on the buildings along the streets. U still need to do AOS before you can actually solve the problem right?

So now i've identified the problem...comes the solution. Quiting!

Yes. Q-U-I-T-I-N-G. It takes more than just self-discipline to do that. Smoking has bcome part of the habits that i do from the time i take flight from lala land to the time i land back into lala land. Its not a good habit. But then again, most of the habits that i have arent exactly that good either. Unless you call cursing a good habit. Or eating a lot good too. Or a thousand other things that i'd be doing good.

So how do i do it? Simple. I just spend more time with the ones i love. And in order to increase the chances of that happening, you'd have to take steps and measures right? Smoking increases the chances of death(along with the everyday things that you people do). So...quit smoking. Simple. No smoke, no sickness, more time with my sayang =). A+B=C. ( those math geeks out there, pardon my maths. I have no interest in your opinions in my formula. U see, u bitch about me all you want but in the end, this is an english language blog. Not a math blog. You can do all tha bitching to the rest of the math geek's blogs in the world but not mine. Im not one you)

Need more help? Call 1800-QUITLINE. But this is only for those losers fighting a losing battle. YOu morons shld be more disciplined!!!

I AM THANKFUL FOR THE WIFE WHO SAYS IT'S HOT DOGS TONIGHT, BECAUSE SHE IS HOME WITH ME, AND NOT OUT WITH SOMEONE ELSE.

FOR THE HUSBAND WHO IS ON THE SOFA BEING A COUCH POTATO, BECAUSE HE IS HOME WITH ME AND NOT OUT AT THE BARS.

FOR THE TEENAGER IS COMPLAINING ABOUT DOING DISHES BECAUSE IT MEANS SHE IS AT HOME, NOT ON THE STREETS.

FOR THE TAXES I PAY BECAUSE IT MEANS I AM EMPLOYED .

FOR THE MESS TO CLEAN AFTER A PARTY BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE BEEN SURROUNDED BY FRIENDS.

FOR THE CLOTHES THAT FIT A LITTLE TOO SNUG BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE ENOUGH TO EAT.

FOR MY SHADOW THAT WATCHES ME WORK BECAUSE IT MEANS I AM OUT IN THE SUNSHINE.

FOR A LAWN THAT NEEDS MOWING, WINDOWS THAT NEED CLEANING, AND GUTTERS THAT NEED FIXING BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE A HOME .

FOR ALL THE COMPLAINING I HEAR ABOUT THE GOVERNMENT BECAUSE IT MEANS WE HAVE FREEDOM OF SPEECH.

FOR THE PARKING SPOT I FIND AT THE FAR END OF THE PARKING LOT BECAUSE IT MEANS I AM CAPABLE OF WALKING AND I HAVE BEEN BLESSED WITH TRANSPORTATION .

FOR MY HUGE HEATING BILL BECAUSE IT MEANS I AM WARM.

FOR THE LADY BEHIND ME WHO SINGS OFF KEY BECAUSE IT MEANS I CAN HEAR.

FOR THE PILE OF LAUNDRY AND IRONING BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE CLOTHES TO WEAR.

FOR WEARINESS AND ACHING MUSCLES AT THE END OF THE DAY BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE BEEN >>CAPABLE OF WORKING HARD.

FOR THE ALARM THAT GOES OFF IN THE EARLY MORNING HOURS BECAUSE IT MEANS I AM ALIVE.

AND FINALLY, FOR TOO MUCH E-MAIL BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE PEOPLE WHO ARE THINKING OF ME.


The way is see, there's two ways you could take a peek at life. Positively or negatively. Yah, i know this might sound like cliche, but ya, there's no other way that i can put it. Its simply the way that it is. Even tho the world's isnt that much of a nice place to live, but yah, lets take a peek at the positive side and it might just be bearable. I noe i noe, it gets worst as u grow older. When was the world a nice place to live in anyway? Oh yes...when we were young little boys and girls. The only toys that we know off would be ones known as Little Tykes, Playdoh, micromachines and well, much much more. Things change as u grow older. The only thing that doesnt change would definately be the likes of Transformers. They just get cooler is a grew older. What?!?! It's a great movie!! Hell yeah! Sad to say tho, i dont play with i used to play with. Now i'd play with toys with badass names...nothing wholesome about them. They'd just put holes in you instead. Wanna noe them? Sure.....they come in many shapes, sizes and ya, weights too. They have names like the M203, M18A1 and soooooooooooo much more. Yup. Mean toys....sad isnt it?

Im straying off topic tho. Yes. The only reason that the world isnt as nice as it used to be is because one of thing and one thing only. One word to sum it all and in the darkness, rule them all! Kinda ala lord of the rings isnt it? Yeap..."RESPONSIBILTY". I mean, which kid had to responsibility to take care of himself anyway(thats the basic responsibility anyone could ever have). Coz if the kid did, then it'd be very very scary just to think of it. Imagine, u having a collegue of 3 years of age. Kinda rubbish isnt it? Sad part is, it might just become a reality in the not so distant future.

Again....im straying off again!!! Crap......What was i talking about? Oh yes...y the world isnt such a nice place after all. Look around you...the 7 deadly sins are all around you. Pride, Envy, Gluttony, Lust, Anger, Greed and Sloth. Religious or not, its just human nature. Best we could ever do is to not do it excessively i guess. Overdoing something is just as bad as not doing it in the first place. Cept that, not doing any of the above 7 things is never a reality( it will never be!! trust me)

But that's not my point. I was just pointing out how bad life really is. But you can go along living live moping all the way till u actually pass on(at this juncture, i just imagined everyone dragging their faces on the ground as they walk. Dont ask me why, but i find this hilarious). Gotta think positive. And those subculture thingy...screw em'. They want to think that everybody sucks because we all dont agree to their opinion. Well, this is mine. U and ur opinion suck. I dont care what you think about my opinion coz i just cldnt give a flying fuck about yours either. So there...we're even now see? Ha! Subcultures and their opinion about ppl....can u just imagine what they're thinking? This is what they actually think "Everybody sucks because they dont understand what im thinking..." Who can actually understand a thought that is very very fickle and esp when you dont want to talk abt it and just remain angry coz nobody cares................Subculture ppl...WAKE UP UR FUCKING IDEAS!!!!! Hahahhaa...im just plain wicked arent i?

Crap...gone off track again. Urm...nothing makes sense now does it? Hence the blog name...blabberbutt =) Read it and weap.........(hopefully it'd be tears of humour tho)

Its been a long time since i've wrote. Guess im kinda in a mood to write right now...
Past week has been really really trying. Honestly, i thought i was going to have a breakdown at any time. Being on high alert for 24hours a day, 7 days in one week....it sucks u noe. Tiring mentally and physically. Glad thats all over now...even tho its just not quite yet. Sian.

Crap...the moods gone. Maybe i'll just write another day then.

There's a big problem with jc kids. They sometimes talk too much.....way too much perhaps. They talk before they even think. They talk without even consulting. Yeah..i noe im going to be hated after this but ya...im just telling u the truth. If you can accept this fact...than dont hate me just yet. Take a second to sit down and think about it. Fuck...im a jc kid myself....rather i was a jc kid.

Where did i get this conclusion? Well, from the course i went to. Yeap...those people should noe whom i talking abt. I shall not name names...im already specific as it already is. Ya..i do talk a lot myself...and not just to defend myself, i try to think about what i have to say before i say it. Yeap...keyword being "TRY". And this takes place most of the time...the rest of the time, i just shoot off and then wait for the consequence to drop on me. Yeap...that means getting shot back at.

Do you actually realize or even hear what's coming out of your mouth sometimes??? Hah....can you like let us noe the objective of accomplishing a mission? Crap...they make crappy soldiers too sometimes. People from my unit, not to worry...we make kickass sargeants!!! Ya......talk way too much but when it comes down to the execution phase...what do you get? Close to crappy results...might as well put me in for a permenant appointment holding and give me the bloody plaque. Looks nice with the rest of my medals anyway.....

Hmm...and yes. Im a jc kid too just to remind the rest whom have terribly short memory....(even tho i just wrote it). Haiz...and this is coming from ppl who came from JCs...imagine those who are still in them. They complain all day long.....but ya, nothing productive actually comes out of it...unless of course they actually wants to produce enough fertilizers just so that more trees can be planted, well growned and hopefully someday, the global warming situation can be handled just because they talk a lot. hmm...might be a sound plan.

And ya...what's so good to be in a jc anyway? It only shows that you cant do shit with your hands...u can only think of something, visualize it and ya...it stops there. Yet, these buggers go around the place wearing their school uniform proudly telling ppl they are from jc so fuck off! HAha...ever thought that when you actually fail ur a lvls...u're no different from the dude studying in ITE?(not that im bringing down ITEs...the society already did that. I didnt. Im not society. Im Fadzil. Thats...F-A-D-Z-I-L.(and to those crappers who cant pronouce or spell my name proper, go shit in your pants okay?)

Kinda lost track as to what i was writing about....bt who cares when i didnt rite? Hmm....maybe gopal or mary or johnathan or ahmad does...but the tom,dick and harry that i noe doesnt. Hehs...fuck. i better stop.......

Its over. Its finally over! 154th Platoon Sargeant Course has unofficially ended with the end of Ex Hawk. Think i have gone over the edge with this one. But ya..who cares? All i care about is what my men are going thru right now with the other shitheads taking charge of them.

Why do shitheads exists in the first place? What is their purpose here? Oh ya, btw, the defination of a shithead is a fucking selfish person who wants nothing to do with society cept those things that can benefit him coz he is incapable to the society but yet he exists. Everyone noes that a shithead is useless, baseless, and doesnt noe shit about shit. In short, he is a person with a lot of shit inside his head. Courtesy of the dicitionary of Fadzford.

Why did god put these people on earth? Issit to make lives like mine more difficult? Issit to make normal people look like extraordinary people(kinda like that show a decade back Extraordinary aka Kau Istimewa). God noes. Maybe god is playing a trick on us all or maybe he's just testing us. Like saidm god works in mysterious ways.....i would certainly love to find out which way it would be so that maybe just maybe i could work just the same. If not, i'd just take the expressway.

Nevertheless, a lof of things to settle once i get back to my unit from my course. A lot of shit needs to be flushed. A lot of people needed to be sorted out. In short, more work, less me. That sucks. CAnt believe it that im actually eager to sort the mess out. BE PREPARED SHITHEADS!!! IM COMING FOR YOU!!!

ahahaha....something about the course. Cant believe how much of an agressive person i can be. Issit the stress? Issit the frustration? Issit the fatigue? God noes. Perhaps its a combination of all three. Ive reprimanded people old enuff to be fathers. HEck...i've reprimanded fathers. A 20year old boy giving a 29 year old father the battering of the harshest words he could ever receive. Yeap, that was me.

I was literally a living, breathing animal thru out the entire summary exercise. I eat when i was hungry, smoked when i wanted to, reprimanded becoz i was angry, slept coz i was tired. Not caring about anyting else in the world....cept for my few brothers who are going thru the same thing with me. I kept telling all of them..."dengar-dengar skarang Platoon Sargeant Course ader melayu jer...." Yeap.....fuckers all the rest.

Nvm...its all over now...end of one suffering, the beginning of another. My life could get any better can it? Crap.....

Do you know how much i hate myself right now for not be able to do something which im doing right now years ago? Why didnt i? Gutless? Probably. So probably im full of guts now? Perhaps. God noes...

How i hate myself for being able to figure things out before things are said. And even worse that im able to figure it out correctly...how do i do it? I have no idea...somehow i am able to do it...effortlessly too. Crap. Sorry if i dont seem to react when im told...i have already reacted.

It takes effort for me to show emotions. Emotionless. I rarely get angry. I never got sad. I never cried. I try not to. Shows where im weak. And ego is a terrible monster that fights with emotions. I never cried when my cousin passed away. I never cried when my grandma passed on. I never cried nor felt sad not even a tinge when i found out that it was somebody i knew who died in that tragic incident. And death is something that someone would cry for coz that person wont be coming back...ever.

Perhaps its all the conditioning that ive gotten ever since young. The terrible trainings and all. The fear that's being taught to be suppressed. FEar. The key to all emotions. FEar of death. Fear of losing something. FEar of unknown. Fear if what you might noe. The sum of all fears.

How do you go about doing something when every corner, ever option is a restriction. Do you play the game? Do you come out of the game and umpire it instead, making your own rules as you go on just so that you can win it? We'll see how it goes...time to call in some favors. Guys if you're reading, i might be calling you guys soon enough....

Just so you know....

While waiting for my sayang to tell me that she's awake and ready...i wasted time away on friendster. Ya...its the place that people waste their time away...in a good sort of way. I was reading all the testimonials and comments that ive gotten over the years. Seems like JC was really the best 2 years of my life. Probably....i rmb the fun i had. Yeah....FUN! Funny Unorthodox Nonsense.

Hmm...sure had a lot of friends back then. And sayang...if only you knew my friends, u would have a totally different impression of jc students. True that the whole elitism thing exists in JCs...but they quickly get dissed off by people like me and my friends. I think my JC is more like a kampong JC of some sort...hahaha.

Wished i had made more friends back then. But ya...still quite happy with the friends that i actually have. I will never trade those 2 years for anything else. Thx for the memories guys. Stay cool and hope that someday somehow, we'd be reunited to save the world.....err...ya. Hehs.

Well, this is it. My last entry(somehow it feels like it) before i go for my Platoon Sargeant Course. Sucks big time man...A month ago, i would have taken things differently. But now, it seems that the world has been un-skewed. Yeap. Un-skwed. Ya i know that there's no such word but thats how i can only describe things for now. Un-Skewed.

A month ago, i was an eager beaver for this course. Well, for one my ROA is guarenteed even though im just serving my liability years. And yes, it actually excites me to go for this course. Hell, i wanted to take on Airborne, Ranger or any other fuck course the SAF can offer. Truth be told, i wanted to join the British Paras as a ghurka since i dont see much that i can do or have in Singapore. Well, that was my mentality months ago. Things are quite different now.

How can things be different? They say that when people fall in love, they lose track of what they really want. Why? Coz they cant think properly bla bla bla. FYI, im very very rationale at doing things. No matter what. You can never anyone else being so cool and clear minded after commiting a fucking serious offence in the army. Yeap, that's me. =) So am i thinking rationally now? Hell yeah! Now, i just hate what im doing. I hate what im going to do for the nxt six weeks. And i hate the fact that for this is going to last for the next 7 months or so. Ever since i left DB, things have changed. For the better. A fucking whole lot better i must say!

Yeap, there happens to be a girl in this story. Not ashamed to admit that. Why? Coz im truly in love with this one. Life has never been better. And im not being hypocritcal about it. Im being very very sincere about what ive been saying. Hell, ive been sincere about what ive been writing in this portal! And me not wanting to do what ive been dying to do months ago....im sacrificing it all. Why? Coz they dont matter much to me now anymore. It used to. But now, there's someone who matters to me more than anything i could possible procure in this world. Ranger, Airborne, Jungle Confidence....ya sure they could make me a highly decorated soldier...but for what it's worth, i'd rather spend more time with my sayang.

Haiz...i just wish the next 6 weeks would just zoom on by. 6 weeks of pure mental, physical and emotional torture. For the next 6 weeks, im being refrained from feeling....just like how one expects a soldier to be. Im expected to execute orders, carry out orders and give orders without remorse, without guilt....without being lovesick. Cant help it though....just cant help it. Can try to minimize it....but that's all i can do...

Everything sucks when you're gone....

=)

So much for TGIF. Suddenly everybody from the army are bad people. Ya...its called a 2 years liability btw. Not as if i had a choice of where i want to go. Or how i have to be like. Crap...this sucks biggie.

Well, what can i do about it? Nothing at the moment. Maybe in the future things might be different. I hope it'll be different, hopefully. So that means that one thing is definately for sure...conversion to officer is a big no no. Well, sorry to dissapoint you army people.

Ya, maybe i could find other ways to achieve my means of helping those poor kids. Someday i would help them get out of their poor state, somehow. Well, maybe i'd part with whatever skills the army has taught me and then i'd find another organization that could use skills like mine? Hope so...

To sayang if you're reading this...HELLO!!! And if the dude sitting next to you happens to be reading this too...YOU"RE DEAD!!.......X_x

Ok..lets get back to bitching about the society. Saw a really horrendous sight today in the MRT. Yeah...might be common to many of you, but i still dont understand why nothing is being done. What am i talking about? A pregnant lady standing throughout the entire journey. WTF?!??! Btw, i was standing. Im always standing. Let women and children sit first, followed by the bapoks and fudge peckers followed by the weaker ones. None of them is there? Then i sit down. AH PEKS!!! YOU DONT COUNT! YOU'RE NOT WEAK! YOU'RE EXPERIENCED! YOU STAND!!!!!! BWHAHAHAHAHAHAX! ROFL. Gone nutters there.
But really, ignorance maybe be bliss to some, but it simply is hell to me! Fucking hell....

Think i want to start one of those revolution like the ones that i've studied about. HAHAHA...i'll take Changi Prison as the Bastille. And urm...somebody's gotta Louis. Or maybe like the one in Fight Club? Yeah. Project Mayhem. Terrorism? Nah....just a little bit of chaos here and there. Hmm...nvm those revolutions. Hopefully Singaporeans are changing for the better. Maybe i shld enter politics? Then i can pass laws which can benefit everyone. AAAAAAh....there's only the better way rite?

K...getting very very tired now. Gotta slp now. Toodles world.

I used to be a huge fan of autobiographies of ex-soldiers who have served in the different armies of the world. Either be it the French Foreign Legion, the British Para or even some Indonesian Commandos. Their lives unfolding...its voyuerism you noe. And voyuerism is wrong...is it? Well, it is deemed morally wrong. If not, peeping toms would get away with murder cause those caught by the police cant be dealt with squat without the existence of laws to banish the people of their kind.

Anyways....just came out from a hell hole and ya..it sucks like fuck. Boring as hell and it isnt a nice experience. Got my head shaven and myself humiliated. Seems like i got a heroes' welcome back. Well, maybe to me lah...but ya. Glad that episode of my life is over. Cant be bothered to stay low. Gotta get on with my life...my army life at least. Traumatised by that experience? Hell yeah! Never ever want to go back in there so gotta watch myself more now. Told my men abt it and yes...told them to watch their back as much as ive got their backs covered. Now i can speak from experience. No more bullshit like what other sargeants and officers keep telling them. I went through it. I experienced it. I have the right to tell them. Y? Coz my story is more believable at least if not sincere.

Well, one hell hole to another. Going for my PS course soon. And shit...from all the horror stories that ive been hearing from those whom have gone thru it all....well, lets just say i'll survive it all with as little damage as possible. Lets hope that the month when im doing the course passes by quickly, pass the course, get the rank and ya....hopefully i qualify for the next course. Ranger will have to wait. hehs.