A thousand conspiracies that i can talk about. A million more human antics that i can bitch about. But not tonite. Tonite, i'd rather talk about something personal. Something that has made a huge impact on my life so far. Something that has taken up 2 years of my life. Something that will take up once a year for the next 10 to 15 years of my life. Yeap...you've probably guessed it right. Im talking about my national service here.

I can still remember my enlistment on April 8th, 2006. And its already 29th Dec today. How time flew.....I remember that gut wrenching feeling as i boarded the ferry to Tekong. And the gut wrenching only got worst as i said my goodbyes to my cousins. Yeap...my two cousins were the ones to send me to my initial haven for rebirth. BMT went on by without much hiccups. Alas, not everyone from my BMT company is going to ORD. May god accept him...

After that pretty much BOring Military Training, it was on to Basic Section Leaders Course. YEap...it was just a level higher of boringness. But truth be told, it was the only time that i felt that i belonged with a group of people. That was the first time i ever felt that i can talk to anyone in the bunk just about anything. Anything at all. For the first time in my life, i felt at home...We trained hard. We didnt quite play hard but ya...i enjoyed my time there with my bunkmates. After 10 weeks together, we finally went our seperate ways. Artillery, Military Police, Airforce...the works. I went onto farther my infantry proficiency....Advance Section Leaders Course...

ASLC, that was when i learned the many ways our army can kick butt. The different kinds of battlegrounds, the different kinds of battle, the many ways we can come to the fight...I really, truly enjoyed my 11 weeks there with my buddies. Hell yeah...Starlight was one hell of a trip for me. First time out of the country in 5 years. And yes...somewhere foreign too(SEA is considered local to me...=D) That was the highlight of my trainee life. After 21 weeks of that and the 9 weeks before that...i finally was ready to embark the second part of my journey. No longer a trainee but as a commander.

2 weeks after coming back from Starlight, i went on to Lancer with my new unit. It was a weird way to gel into my new unit but yeah...i learnt alot. Learnt alot abt myself..abt my men...and abt the kind operations i was going to be carrying out. Yeah...that was fun...in a sick kind of way. You'd actually have to have the balls to do it all the way coz if not...it's going to kill you- literally.

Taking over command of a section was what i was looking forward to. But that was not to be. Unofficially...i took over the platoon instead. Hence, the present challenge just got more challenging. Highnoon. That really sucked. That one incident....guess i bounced back higher after that.

Honestly, i think that everything happens for a reason. And hell yeah..it was for a god damn good reason. ;) Never been happier in my entire life. IT was the platoon sergeant course for me after that incident. And yeap...it matured me as a soldier first, and a leader second. It deepened my understanding for things military and CV. Its a pity not everyone gets to go for this sort of thing.

Lightning Strike followed suit and 3 weeks of holiday training was enough to get me and my men enthusiastic enough about just anything SAF. HEll yeah it did. But i missed her like crazy. And yeah...seeing her, hugging her at the airport upon touchdown...that certainly chased all the blues away.

Abit of training here and there and im actually done with my CSM course. CAnt believe i went thru HAWK twice. Just one more hurdle to go on the 7 to the 10th. Cant believe its almost coming to an end already. Thinking of that, it actually sends shivers down the spine. And oh ya...that gut wrenching feeling, the very same one, its back again. The transition from Military to CV. Truthfully, i am doubtful. I am scared. I know what i want to do. But how do i get there? Guess i'll just have to take things one at a time now.

I still cant believe im almost at the end................

Another decent break that comes after another decent break. In between is something what we call "chiong-sua". It tires you out physically, mentally, emotionally and ya..medically too. Trust me...it does. Especially when the number of people going to see the doctor increases drastically. Yeah...it always happens. Well, just a few more weeks to the big day of evaluation. That's when things starts to get to a roll. A roll that will inevitably end. Gotta keep that in my mind in order to motivate myself. Need to keep telling myself -"the suffering will inevitably end. It cant stay on forever. Good times are just coming up ahead. EVerything is inevitable in that order." Words of motivation that i keep telling myself for the last year and 8mths everytime i got the worse end of things.

I just sealed my fate just now. Im starting school in august. Give myself a little breathing room to work, earn some money, possibly take a break from everything. Hopefully, it'd be taking a break with a companion. If not, then ya...same old lone wolf break then. Wonder how school will be like. After 2 years of no studying at all...i wonder if my brain is able to sharpen itself to the endless quabbles that i always have with my classmates over any subject of discussion. Hmm...im definately looking forward towards that.

Got a newsflash on my phone in the afternoon. Even in my state of grooginess, i was still angered by such acts. 12 people were killed in a mosque by some suicide bomber. That's sad. REally sad. Considering the fact that aidil adha just passed no more than 24hours ago. And yet, this kind of thing is happening. Muslim against another muslim? VEry likely. What made them fight? Different ideals? Different views of how they want their country to be runned? Fuck....why cant somebody compromise??? Why must people always be in that pursuit for power? And with power, they pursue more power. Wtf is wrong with us humans? Why have we all turned out this way? Wars are no longer fought based on survival. The very fundamentals as to why wars are fought are forever lost. Smarty pants who are overpaid just to talk trash and run the country aground are manipulating the meaning of things. The meaning of words. So much so that it all has become meaningless. Crap....gotta work towards that level where i can make changes...

But i gotta start small. Did 24hours manning of the guardroom yesterday. Yes...i did guard duty the day before. And ya...as always, i take the opportunity to talk to my men. Finally, i managed to understood why my men turn out the way they are in the present stage. Its because of their past. What ever happened to them....it definately didnt benefit them at all. They are atoning for the sins that they didnt do. Sins that others have commited willingly and unknowingly caused the butterfly effect onto these individuals that i today make contact with. I think...maybe just maybe, i've found my calling...

You know, sometimes i really do wonder "Why am i sooooo proud to be wearing green???"
I haven't came back from any war in it. I haven't saved any life in it. And i don't think any actions of mine have made any huge impact on any body's life. So why am i proud? I haven't killed anyone, survived combat, saved a dying buddy or made a huge impact on the headlines. Don't get me wrong, im not looking for fame or fortune here, but i am dying to do something which i am supposed to do in the first place. A soldier- A killer. A savior. A leader of both.

My peers have been asking me a lot of times "Dude, why are so into this kind of thing?"
I'd only have one thing to answer back to them, "Aren't we training for war? So why not take everything seriously?" The only response i would get from them is me being ridiculed by the masses. Sure Singapore isn't going to war anytime soon but that doesn't mean that it isn't going to happen at all. But that doesn't give them any fucking excuse to take things likely because i am training to defend whats near and dear to me. My family, my lover, my friends. All of that. I simply cannot afford to lose any of them.

I lost track of myself. Oh..no i didn't. It made me prove the point even more as to why i wonder if there is any pride at all in wearing the green. I haven't been killed yet or about to be killed yet in anytime i did my service. My chances of survival wouldn't be very much anyway since the kind of training i have received are haphazard anyway. Thank you soooooooo much instructors. The basics of soldiering are gone. Then again, what are the basics? Well, it is killing and combat and avoiding to be killed in combat. Sure...you've taught us how to lower the possibility of being killed by artillery fire by digging trenches. You taught us to take cover so as to prevent being shot. But, did you actually ever taught us how to kill before? Practically, every soldier that i know of doesn't know how to kill. They know how to shoot their rifles. But they still don't know how to kill. That immediately reduces their combat survivability. Something has gotta change.

Hmm...its been quite awhile since i last wrote anything. Time have been pretty tight lately with the CSM course. By the time i get back home on saturday afternoon, i'd be too drained out to do anything but to sleep. And yes, its deep sleep we're talking about here. The kind of sleep where you thought you just had your eyes closed for a second and the next thing you know, you open your eyes to the sight of the clock showing that 3-4 hours of your life is gone. Lost to the deep mysteries of sleep. Hmm....And sundays is spent with me sayang =D. Cant compromise that for anything eles in the world. I mean, if you only get to spend one day of your week with someone, who would rather it be? For me, it's definately her. =D

Well, it finally came and gone. SummEX. Thank god its over. Cant really release the details but hell yeah, it had it funny moments. Truthfully, this was the best course i've ever attended. The people made it the best. Time passed on effortlessly with them around. TOo bad i dont really have this kind of thing back my unit. They were all an ideal bunch of people to work with. Damn right they are.

Been reading the papers this morning and kinda got into a subtle shock for awhile back there. This year's Miss Universe Singapore had to fork out almost everything for her expenses just to represent guess who.......? IT'S......................... SINGAPORE! And this being one of those arena where singapore could actually stand a chance. But nooooooooooooo...none. No sponsorship, no recognition. Nothing. Where did all those money that the taxpayers go to? Well, one of the channels it went to is the silly thing called soccer(to call it football is simply politcally incorrect but that is for another time). And what have that resulted in so far?? Well, nothing much really. Just a few wins here and there and lots and lots of dissapointment. When are they going to realise that Singapore's time in soccer is long gone? It gone away with the start of S-League. It gone with the likes of Fandi Ahmad, Malik Awab and the other legends retiring from pro soccer and started to coach or something like that. REALISE IT YOU NITWITS!!!

Nowadays, soccer is just nothing but a mere vehicle for gambling. Well, at least it is legal gambling. And so all the suicides, killings, roberries, frauds and what not that resulted from this must be legal too right? I dunno, it seems to rather lean that way to me. I could be wrong. But then again, nobody's right like the saying goes, the end of any war doesnt determine who's right, it just determines who's left(its alrite, take your time to understand this). Hmm...i think i just smacked myself in the head. No wonder they invested soooooooooo much is soccer. Its for the money. And the soccer players? Nothing but mere subjects and the matches as vehicles for the money booming sessions. DAmn....they're smart! Okay....so it took me this long to realise this. But at least i did. So we've got of smart-assed-cheeky buggers running this country. Hmm...wish i had a part of this too. Then i can go everywhere giving off my "best-public smile" for publicity sake and then go around smiling cheekily to the public without anyone realizing what a stunt i've pulled! Hell yeah!!! Down right i am to say that it sure sounds like a lot of fun.!

Hmm..i wonder what its really like to be like them. Superscale G!!!

Im not really in the mood for writing...but i'll write anyway. That's because when i do write, its because im either pissed at something or im just deep in my train of thoughts. Of which, im neither state right now. Well, maybe because i've been quite happy these past few months =) Well, dear readers, if you'd be in my shoes right now, i think you'd be exactly the same right now.

I've recently watched this movie, Stranger than fiction. And ya, it set me thinking abt how life can be seriously stranger than what we read in books or seen at the movies. Then again, fiction is the depiction of real life. Reel life mimics real life. But ya...guess we kinda forgot abt that by blaming the tv for everything stupid mistakes that we do. Taking them for baddddddddddd influences on us. There is no such thing as bad influence. Nor is there such a thing as good influence. There's just influence. Nothing more than that. Its just what we make up out of it.

There's input and then there's the output. What happens in the output is affected by what how we process the input. Input is just input. Its how we process that input. For a perfect example. An actor smoking on screen. That's the input. The output? People started smoking. If that was the case, then everyone coming out of that damn cinema hall would be ligthing up wouldnt they since they got very bad influence afterall.... WEll, it's really how we process that input. Like people seeing that smoking is actually nothing more than well...smoking? Ya...nobody gives a damn about the person who's smoking. For the girls...they just might be oogling at that damn actor. But for the guys, they just want to be riveted by the storyline, the plot, the characters maybe. They just want to be entertained. But why do people still pick up smoking? Well...that's because they want to. Nothing more than that.

Hmm...me using that as an example am seeming as if im revolving whatever im writing about around smoking. Hell no....no no no. This is not what im talking about(or writing for that matter). Im just saying that blaming something else for what we did is pure bullshit. So those people who wrote the khutbah yesterday...READ MY BLOG!!!

Lots of time, i've been asked, what kind of music do i listen to. I mean, really listen to. And yah...sayang, you've asked me that to. On the general scale, i'd listen to any kind of music. But the ones that i'd really like to listen to....it'd definately be punk rock! MPXP, NOFX, Bad religion, The Offsprings, Goldfinger, Mest, bla bla bla...(those of you who tink you noe music better, i am in no need of you to comment of how wrong i put those band's music under the wrong genre. At the end of the day, its still under punk rock!!!)

Why would i? Hell...y wouldnt i? Punk rock is politically inclined. They talk nothing about life and ya..the truth about things. Other genre...well...love? Hmm...nah. Too selfish. Talk nothing about themselves and things like that...nvm...i'll pass. But punk rock..hmm. I'd especially like this very prominent line by the offsprings in their song Have You Ever which goes

when the truth walks away,
everybody stays
cause the truth about the world is that crime does pay

Well, there's a negative but really true perception of life. Crime does pay..in a fucked kind of way. The bad guys always wins but guess what, the good guys finish last. And hell yeah, we always do. Then there's another line by MXPX in the song It's Alright

Its alright, its alright
its alright we can travel by the moonlight
Its alright, its alright
Its alright we can travel through the twilight

And hell yeah, that is god damn true too. Well, whatever you make of it, i make of it my way. And yeah, like the line in Stranger than fiction goes, i do want to life my life like how it's sung in punk rock music. If i only have the means too....I would have. Life would've been so much god damn better that way....

But first, we'd have to eradicate them bastards first...good guys finish last, and the race is almost up. Its about them we're finishing....

Damn...its been over 10 days since i last wrote. Everything's been kinda hectic lately...well. It kinda died down recently. Hoorah! A week of leave. That's more like it. Yeah...time for me to recuperate from all that work and just chill. Hit the gym a little bit more. Settle my school thingy. And ya...the most important thing! Spend more time with my sayang. =) And that's how the cookie crumbles...

Gotta catch up with a few buddies of mine to. Yeah. Going out with my jc classies later. No idea where but im sure it'll be interesting. Or at least, i can try to make it so. It's been quite a while since i last met them. Hmm...come to think of it..it's been quite some time. LAst i met them was i think in..urm...january or something? Yeah. After Ex Lancer. Somewhere there. Wonder how they're all doing. Hmm...

And yes. There's tmr too! Hmm...jalan2 raya. With my primary school mates. Its been a long time since i last met them all. All except for one *wink* *wink*
Wonder how tmr will really turn out to be like.

ROFL. DAmn my blog looks like it belongs to some teenage girl's. ROFL. But seriously. There's nothing much for me to talk about lately. Hmm...i wonder y. Perhaps its the lack of things for me to observe within our society coz most of the time i have is spent in camp.

Hmm...perhaps this one week of leave spent on the "outside" world might open my eyes a little for me to comment on our imperfect "perfectionist" society? Perhaps. We'll see if it might fill up my blog a lttle.

Damn...its been a loong time since i wrote anyting in this godforsaken place. Been bz perhaps? Or maybe i cant find anything to bitch and moan about maybe/possibly/most likely/normally/usually(and im out of probabilities to write about) ive been very very happy these past few months. =) (im beaming!!!)

And yah, i dont usually write when im happy. because when i do write, i usually bitch and moan....Then again, i am bitching and moaning because ive got nothing to bitch and moan about. DAMN! Hmm...i need my muse.

Sayang printed out a whole stack of whatever i wrote about since dec 2005 and has been reading it since. Damn...i have absolutely no idea abt half of those things ive wrote then. Well, maybe i've forgotten about them? Yeah...that's a likely case. One things for sure tho...i miss my rugby. I miss my oval ball. I miss whacking people without having to feel guilty about it coz they're not the usually pussies who'd die or get knocked down when you do. I miss having to squeeze my brain just to figure out how to get from where i am to the try line all this done while running at my top speed. I miss all of those things.

Hmm...rugby. Guess the only reason i miss my rugby is because its the only thing i can do to ever feel alive. I mean...no one would be crazy enough just to play a sport all the way till a major exam unless its RUGBY! And hell yeah..just as i was getting better at it, i got called up into the army...damn. No matter...hopefully i would have some time to do that when i go back to school next year. So it'd be studies, sayang, part-time job and rugby. It's a great juggle i'd be making there. But if i can manage all of those with little or not hiccups....life years down the road shouldnt be any problem at all.

WEll...just a few more hours to the rugby world cup finals. Springboks vs England(what are the fondly known as anyway? rossies just because its like their national symbol of some sort? or pussies coz they really play like one...) Hopefully i'd still be awake to watch a little bit of that match...

Till then........

Finally...the day ive been waiting for. TGIF!!! Thank god its friday! This friday is a little bit different from the usual fridays...urm. Maybe except for last friday. And ya..lots of fridays actually. Okay fine, only different from the fridays that i dont get to see my sayang. Hehs.

Thank god that stupid evaluation exercise is over. Im done with it. The next one will be coming in january. Haiz...that'll be the bomb. 4 days of fighting? Oh god...wonder how the men are going to cope. Shit..i did 9 days of straight fighting with my buddies and ya...it was extremely tiring but we extremely enjoyed withing alongside each other.

Hmm...last day of ramadan already. Doesnt feel like long does it? Perhaps of the fact that i was super busy with the evaluation exercise. But thank god its hari raya tmr!!! Yea...been waiting for this day since last year. Last hari raya was spent in taiwan. Never tot i'd say this but im really really looking forward to have it with my family tmr. Hell, i cant believe over the past years ive been trying to get away from it by giving excuses like exams and shit like that....haiz. LAst year, i actually got away from hari raya and i felt really really miserable. Noway is that going to happen again.

Cant wait to see my sayang later tonite. =)

Tried to apply for a scholarshop with the Public Service Comission board. Seems to take a lot longer that i anticipated. Oh well, i'll do it when i get home this coming wednesday i guess. Hmm...hopefully i'll get it. Kinda like the idea of working in the public sector. Rather civil service. Yeah...its not really the money but the kind of thing i get to do. Or rather can do.

Yesterday's night with sayang was a blast. Except for the intial part. Break fast at 2hot cafe at esplanade. It was terrible!!! Firstly, we got chucked away at some corner...yeah. Tat wasnt very good at all. The table was even set yet!!! So what are you all trying to say? That we're unexpected??? ARent you supposed to expect the unexpected?!?!?!? Idiots....that's what managing a restaurant is about isnt it??? Well, for the better bulk of it at least. AS if that wasnt insulting enough, i had to wait for a whole damn long for the food. If they made me wait for 10-15mins, i wouldnt mind at all. But a whole half an hour??? Damn....its not as if you were trying to dish out a gourmet meal or something. It was just somehting damn simple. And there were only a few dishes that i could order. And half of it isnt even available!!! So what went wrong? The service. Terrible service staff you've got there. And when a waitress did finally brought my food, she did nothing but to just stand there and smile at me when i made some remarks to show how disgusted i was. Wtf?!?! Is she stupid or something??? She was supposed to say something like "sorry for the terrible service. Is there something complimentary that we could offer you for the nuisance that we've caused you?" Nah....she just stood there, bewildered at my temper and then walk away quickly hoping to not get involved in anything. DAmn....

Sayang, im sorry you had to see me on my bad side. I cant promise you that you wont see any more of it but i promise that it will be as least as possible. And trust me, it wont be directed towards you. Im sorry i scared you with my temper. Something seems to make me angry lately. And yeah, my men has been getting the worse end out of it. What could i do? I was indeed am pissed off at them for their selfishness. Now...im going to direct my anger at a few outstanding personnel that's the root of all the problem. You selfish bastards are going to die!!!!!

A few more days to raya. Hmm...cant wait for that. Especially the part where my sayang said about going to geylang with her on malam raya. Jalan2 kat bazar...hmm...that sounds interesting considering the fact that i've never been there at such a time. And also the fact that i get nauseous in such a big crowd. But with her around, it makes it all worth it. =)

Gtg to camp now. Stupid evaluation exercise.........

Well, so much for being at home hoping that maybe my family could be eating together to break fast today....That's the only reason that i happen to be at home today. The week that passed by happened to be goddamn hectic. So guess what? I only got home at 2 in the morning last night. And ya, the whole night, i was smiling coz you noe what? I was thinking "yes, finally i get to break fast with my family!!" That didnt happen. Hell, i only did that once with them so far this year's ramadhan. Quite sad huh? Shucks....

I was reading the papers particulary the section where some singaporean gets to bitch abt his/her week to rest of the nation. Guess what? This idiot was complaining abt his lunch being ruined coz a bunch of kids got rowdy. Guess where he had his lunch? Rofl...some prata shop. Crap, he still called it a prata restaurant making others believe that it is actually a real restaurant with real service....C'mon. Who the hell are you trying to kid? And the best part was that the subheading was actually somewhere along the lines of being in a first world country. Mr.Crappyidiot even went on to compare the situation to the one in japan where everyone ate quietly out of respect for others. Hahahha. Japan is an asian country you moron and asians are not as loud as westerners. They are rather reserved. And i think that the first world coutnry thingy that you are referring to are the ideals of a westerner. But have you actually ate at one of those? And im not talking abt swensens and shit im talking abt a real american diner. Or restuarant for that matter where it is actually runned by one. Owned by one. And ya, patronized by them lot. It's actually kinda rowdy. And guess what? Singaporean thinking of first world is one of the western ideology.

Crap...this guy really confused himself. He actually wanted to sound refined, intelligent and courteous, but all he did was to tell people that he is actually, really, usually and normally DUMB! And yeah, thanks for telling that to the world Mr.Larry Quah Chai Koon. Damn...i cant wait to start on my sociology degree. With that kind of credibility, i can proof to others that people like you are really really dumb. And u noe what, that could be actually a professional service of mine! hehs.

God...its been awhile since i wrote anything. The last time i wrote? Sept 2nd. And its already the 22nd. 20 days exactly. Dont really have much to write or the time to write it anyway. Well, except the boring day to day affairs of mine. Well, it can be summarized into a simple simple phrase: same shit, different day. Routine, mundane and quite boring. Damn, wished we were training like the americans. Everyday's a different day. Okay, they do use the same phrase. But its on a bigger scope on a sense of training to go to way kind of shit. But they way they train....it keeps me captivated.

Anyways, what im trying to say that things back in camp is pretty hectic. And things can only get even more hectic for me. Ever find a normal national fulltime serviceman doing the job of regulars....yeap. That would somehow fit into my bill. Yet somehow, i get thrown to be an outcast because the rest of the nsfs SGTs dont see things i see things. Dudes, i too want to get it over and done with!!! And guess what, i'll be done sooner than you guys!!! And what you guys are doing is terrible. Its as if you guys end it next month or something like that. Crap...and you wonder why we get that kinda treatment? Im not being "siow-on" or anything like that. Im just acting my rank for the sake of the corp. And i suggest you guys better do the same too. If not, whatever bits and crumbs of respect the men have for our ranks, will be obliterated. All im saying is, we got a job to do, and we just have to do it right....

Key issue that's been lingering on my mind lately -selfishness. Its the kind of thing that pissess me off big time. People can always say, they can choose not to do things that they dont want to. God...that's fucked up kind of upbringing they've got there. What have their parents been teaching them anyway? Yourself before others????Be first or you'll die???? If so, we as a singaporean society are fucked! There isnt much we can do to salvage or situation. I've seen that kind of attitude in my men. God...wish i was there to square them our during their basic training. I've seen it in the public....nothing i can do to square them out. I can just fumingly comment about it to them right into their goddamn faces. Just a few days ago, my sayang was taking the bus. The usual rush hour crowd. She was standing next to a pregnant lady...she's about urm 8mths late? Yup. And surprise surprise, none of the those dickheads decided to give up their seat to her. Hell, most pretend to fall asleep. PEOPLE!!! I NOE YOU'RE TIRED. GUESS WHAT? WHEN YOU'RE SHAG, YOU'RE NOT ALONE!!! TRY BEING PREGNANT DICKIES!!!

Well, that's singaporean in a nutshell. My sayang was the one who gave her seat when she finally got one to that lady. Hmph...this stinks. Why do people act this way? Is it because of their upbringning by their fucked up parents? Probably...the pressure that they're getting at home? at work? So much so that they finally switched off their human side of them and decide that its only the survival of the fittest from now on(nonetheless, i still can outrun any of you office fatties!! mwahahahahahah!) and everyone is being more of an animal than human. PEOPLE!!! GOD GAVE US A BRAIN AND A HEART FOR AN EXTREMELY GOOD REASON! So that we can think about others and feel what others feel. Well, yeah, that's one of the reasons why. But its an extremely good reason not to be selfish and act more like animals than humans...

Haiz...thankfully, there's still a handful of people who are not like that...utopia has yet to be found.

but i've found mine! and i think she's still asleep right now. hehs. still, i get to be with her later tonite. cant wait for that =) (im grinning goddamn big right now)

I might sound like a pussy after this for writing this but....who cares? Writing something on my own blog is well, kinda like talking to someone else..only that i can do it better. Yeah...i can write better than i can talk.

Oh well, its sunday already. Yeap. Usually, i'd be looking forward to sundays. Why? WEll, that's coz i get to spend my day with my sayang. That's why. But today's an exception. She's got a couple of functions to attend to. Yeah..family functions. So i guess yesterday was a trade off for today huh? Coz usually, she wont be around on saturdays...this time around, its today. Oh well...

The past few days have been great. Hell, describing them as great would be a big understatement. Ever since i got back to Singapore, all i wanted to do was to spend all my time with my sayang. Even if it meant that i had to wait till she knocks off and ya that time spent with her is the journey back home, it was worth it. Every single second of it was worth it. And yesterday...yeah, couldnt be more pissed. I had my saturday carefully planned out. And then, BAM! a meeting at 9?! And ya...so much for 9 to 12. It streeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeched all the way till 1 plus. It's like one of the last opportunity that i get to spend time with her and all they want was to suck every single minute of my time. AND THE NXT FEW WEEKS IS GOING TO BE FUCKING HECTIC!!! WEEKENDS ARE GONNA GET BURNT!!! Goddamn!

Yesterday...despite the little time available..was great. Again, an understatement there. Makan, movie and urm...neoprints. And yes, that neoprint was for you sayang. If anybody else asked me to do it, no chance in hell am i going to do it. But since you asked, i had to give in to my sayang. Yeap. The only part i liked in that movie was having my arms wrapped around her. hehs. Truth be told, i wasnt concentrating on the movie at all sayang. Not even the slightest bit. I was concentrating on you. Yup, throught the entire movie. How i wished yesterday didnt have to end. Yeah. The part when we reached your home was the part i hated the most. I hate goodbyes...even tho i noe that we're going to go out again soon enough sayang....

Haiz...

And for those regular readers, i have not turned gay neither am i a softie. I still punch like how i used to punch. I just miss my sayang alot. A whole damn lot....So if you think that i have indeed gone pussy, well, gimme a call. We'll set a place and time. And you'll then realize how much of a pussy i am not alrite?

Alrighty then. Im back in singapore...cept that this time around, it doesnt feel that i've been away much. Dont see much changes compared to when i went overseas a couple of times ago. Cept maybe for the weather. I was coming home half-expecting to see it being all sunny and stuff, but all im looking at now is the gloomy skies. DAmn....

Alaska was nice. Training there was rather enjoyable, even tho it was a little bit tiring(then again, if it werent tiring, then it wasnt training). I enjoyed myself immensely training with em' americans. They had the right attitude, the experienced war themselves and hell yeah, they are preparing for the right thing. WAr actually. And because they are perparing to go to war, they actually took their training seriously. Not like what we have here. Its all half-a-dust kind of shit that we've got going on here.

But being back here, it feels great! At least im not thousands of miles away from my sayang. hehs. And i've got my family here too. Well, that's the only reason as to why i still love being in singapore. Other than that.....im not so sure. I hate the singaporean attitude. Yeah...always wanting to be first in this and that. And if your not(even if you're second) you actually get mocked at, criticised, ostracised...we're lucky we dont get circumsiced just for not being first in something. WE'RE KINDA LIKE CHINA ALREADY!!!!!! WHY?!?!?!?!?!?

Issit because we're small, that's why we have to be super super competitive just so that we can survive? Maybe...probably...most likely. Well, i'd understand that as a work ethic...but in everyday life??? Omg...i came back to singapore, reading a local news saying that parents are queuing overnight just for a place at some school. GAWD!!! Wtf is wrong with these people???? Yes, i understand that its a good school. But dont they realize just how ridiculous they look just by doing that. DOnt they realize how ridiculous they're making the rest of us look like to the rest of the world???? Why are people acting as if we are the only ones on this goddamn planet???
Somebody better come up with something fast. And btw, mr.goverment, incase you're wondering why the young people are packing their bags for other countries, its not really abt the jobs, or the money...its really because of singapore, and singaporeans. Expensive housing, expensive cars, obnoxious people, stupid people, ridiculous people...yeap. That's the reason. If you want to keep us in, you either keep those things out, of the good ones will be the ones going out. Either keep the good ones in and the bad ones out, or vice-versa. That's the way things work.

I mean, i noe why something things are the way it is...but some things surely can be figured out for a better solution right?

And ya, i noticed something really really ridiculous abt singaporeans. Dont they find it fucking hot here??? I mean, i can be wearing just a polo-t and berms to go out, and im already sweating like a fucking god damn pig. Yet, i see them wearing jackets walking around as if it is actually cold here. Seattle was windy, people wore jackets for that reason. Alaska was cold, people wear jackets for that reason too. Fuck....a majority of the people there do not wear jackets because it was actually cold in a nice way. And ya, they wear jackets just so that they'd feel warm and toasty. I seldom wore one when i was there. So why they fuck are singaporeans wearing em' goddamn jackets in a fucking hot and humid place and walking along the streets??? Yes...it bothers me! IF they say that the jacket looks nice, they jsut have to put it on...they'd i'd say you're vain. IF you say that it gets cold inside and aircon room, they yeah, by all means. Or better yet, remove the air-conditioning and just put in the fans to work. You'd save energy too you know. Other than that, you seriously need a check with the brain doc to sort things out....

Other than that, im just happy to be back in singapore where my sayang is =)

Hmm...just a few more hours and i'd be flying off to some forsaken place to train for the army. YEa....for the greater good. Guess, im going there for a reason. Guess everything happens for a reason. Hopefully, its for a good reason.

So, sayang's really really upset coz im flying off later. Who wouldnt be? But ya, this would be a real test for us i guess. Let's see how the distance would actually make us stronger...make u stronger sayang. I wont be gone for long. I'll be back sooner that you actually realize it. And when im back, the first thing im going to do is to call you and let you know that i've touched down in SINGAPORE.

Alaska...hm...guess i would have to make the best of things. HAve to be optimistic and positive in such situation and make the best of things. With the right attitude, even the longest of years can seem short. But ya, that doesnt mean that i wont miss you sayang. That doesnt mean that i wont be thinking of you all the time. It only means that i dont show it so that i can be strong for the rest.

Concentrate on what's on hand k sayang? Time passes by faster that way. WAy fast...so fast tat i'd be back even before you realize it.

Hmm....

All my bags are packed
I'm ready to go
I'm standing here outside your door
I hate to wake you up
To say goodbye

But the dawn is breakin'
It's early morn
The taxi's waitin'
He's blowin' his horn
Already I'm so lonesome
I could die

(So) kiss me and smile for me
Tell me that you'll wait for me
Hold me like you'll never let me go
'Cause I'm leaving on a jet plane
Don't know when I'll be back again
Oh, babe, I hate to go

There's so many times
I've let you down
So many times I've played/(fucked) around
I tell you now
They don't mean a thing

Every place I go
I think of you
Every song I sing
I'll sing for you
When I come back
I'll bring your wedding ring

(So) kiss me and smile for me
Tell me that you'll wait for me
Hold me like you'll never let me go
'Cause I'm leaving on a jet plane
Don't know when I'll be back again
Oh, babe, I hate to go

Now the time
Has come to leave you
One more time to let me kiss you
Then close your eyes
And I'll be on my way

Dream about the days to come
When I won't have
To leave you alone
About the time
I won't have to say

(So) kiss me and smile for me
Tell me that you'll wait for me
Hold me like you'll never let me go
'Cause I'm leaving on a jet plane
Don't know when I'll be back again
Oh, babe, I hate to go

I'm leavin' on a jet plane
Don't know when I'll be back again
Oh babe, I hate to go


Feeling a little bit mellow now..Okay. For once, lets not talk abt the general public. Or public with General in rank. General Public..hhohs...Leader of some private army. Contradicting little prick.

But ya...im not talking abt that. Why am i mellow? Well, this is the first time im leaving someone back in singapore to go to other countries. All this while, i've only left my family behind. The difference? My family has got each other to comfort whilst im gone. They can talk to each other about me if they want to( out of which, i really really doubt they'd do that. Haha...my mom actually loves it when im not at home anyway coz i dont noe y. My dad hates it coz im much much smarter than he is and being outsmarted is something that my family doesnt like. It runs in the family. MY brothers coz i wont be annoying them or irritating them). So ya....

The last time i didnt talk to sayang for a few days, i went crazy. Honest. Even for the littlest of mistake got reprimanded harshly by me. And they were all coursemates. Hahahahaha...wish my men luck.

But ya...me missing my sayang alot(even at this very moment) proves one thing right? I dont take her for granted. Not even a bit. Everyday, i thank god for making me bump into her again. Pure coincidence i tell you. Nothing was planned or prearranged...not by me anyway. God has his tricky tricky ways...

I still remember 8 years ago. This is the very same girl whom i sat next to the entire year in pri school. THE ENTIRE YEAR!!! hhahaaha...i didnt even looked at her and muttered the words " hi. how are u?" People change with times dont they? Funny story. No...great story for the children! yea....Fadzil's versh of "How i met your mother"

Even up to this day...the thought of me meeting her still makes me nervous. I dont know why. Maybe i dont show it...but ya...i am actually. My training thought me not to show it. Training proved to be goooooooooooooood. But yes...i actually am..every time. Guess that's what happens when u're about to be with that special girl eh? Happens to evryoe i guess....unless im the odd one out, that ya, it just happens to me.

Read this and rmb it people. Fadzil's blog is not meant for the mushy stuff. So appreciate this coming from me not that often. Those who think you know me, think again....=)

This is probably the first weekend i have at home in weeks...maybe a month or so. God...have it been so long? First it was the course. Yup. Done through with that. Then, i had the weekend duty..fuckers thought it was only fair since i was away on course for soooooooooooo long. YEap. Thanks wankers! Then, it was the ops standby duty. Crapped up week it was. Followed by another weekend duty. They just love to torture me dont they? Guess what, this is probably the last weekend that i get to spend at home coz coming next week onwards, its hello USA! Then after that, it'll be "Hello, Charlie, this is SGT Fadzil. What do you want?"

Nonetheless, it was quite a good weekend...even though it was all boring and stuff..but my real chance to just slack around and do nothing...really nothing at all! Yea...being the lazy lazy slacker that i was way back then. I remember those kinda saturdays. WAke up to saturday morning cartoons( cartoons just got crapier nowadays with tons of anime. I mean, it was already brainless and mindless crap...they didnt have to turn it any crapier as it is...I LOVE MY CRAP!!! Yeap..just the way it was) followed by some gym then some lunch, some afternoon movie on tv, some malcom in the middle, some simpson, some saturday night movie and then some sleep after that. YEap...im a total couch potato on saturdays...ask my friends. It takes a real effort to get me out of my house on a saturday.

That was that till rugby came along. Yea...every saturday evening or afternoon was match day. Loved playing rugby for my club. Things got sooo intensed, that i got bored with playing rugby at school. YEap. BEing greedy there. But i got better so playing rugby against other schools seemed a little easier...right? Haha..not if people whom you played with in the clubs also played for the schools that you played against. They came in a group. I came alone. DO the math. Go fish!

But yesterday...hmm...yesterday was plain lazy. I was even too lazy to think( can you imagine that? Too lazy to think...dont ask me how, but im very very capable of that. In a good way though. It relaxes the mind...and body..and...urm...everything else?) DAys like that, they hardly come along these days...not esp when u grow older. There's always something for you to do. Yeap. Even the ah peks and nyonyas have something to do. The ah peks have to go to coffee shop in the morning and bitch about just anybody they can think off...laughing away, smiling coz they think they're one bunch of smartasses(despite their teeth all falling away). In the afternoon, they just laze around, doing just about the same thing again...then when the night comes, they become his chikopeh beings, roaming around geylang...looking for some loooooooooooooooooooooooooove. Oh yea baby!!! rofl.

The nyonyas...hmm...they do this every single day. They jsut love to do it. It's like they will die if they dont do it. What issit that im talking about? WEll, they love to stink up the market and just practically everywhere they go. Dont they even bother to shower or wash their wrinkly faces at all coz they know tat at some point in the day, they're going to make contact with other people who can actually tell just how bad they stink! God...its not as if the market wasnt stinking enough(or maybe they're the ones who did it....maybe one or two died there or something just to stink the place up little? You know, just for the ambience?)

Well...my point is, as you grow older, you end up with more and more things to do. Crap...i miss being that small little boy again who's job is to practically annoy my parents(when they were around anyway) and ya...do practically nothing but to slack around, play alot and just being a little boy. Life would be more fun that way wouldnt it?

I've been wondering...why do people watch scary movies? What's the point? What "kick" do they get from it? Is it for just pure entertainment? Or they want to be scared? Or maybe, just maybe, they want to dwell for just a moment in a killer's mind.

If its for pure entertainment, well hell yeah! Go ahead people! Our boring lives need to be filled with something. So why not fill it with horror? Its not as if our lives are not horrifying enough anyway.

And that brings us to point number 2! Getting scared. Just link it to point number 1. It explains itself.

Point number 3? Dwelling in a killer's mind for just a moment. Hehs. I dwell in one every single day of my life. Its never nice to kill. The moment you kill, you just made some poor bastard an orphan. Or if it was a child you're talking about, you just took the life of some bastard's offspring. That bastard will then go off the spring. YOu must be wondering right now...how come I dwell in the mind of a killer every day. Well...dont have to be a killer to dwell in one do i? I just have to be trained as one. Trained to kill. And yes...im not talking abt some mambo jambo shit like the army teaching us to kill. We only learn to pretend to kill. And in pretending to kill, we all pretend to be hurt. So to sum it up, nobody knows pain for sure....cept maybe i do.

Pain. That's one bitchy thing one can ever feel. Too bad i dont feel like writing anymore for now. I want to watch my tv first. hehs

Why do people smoke? Hmm...funny im asking this question since im one of those people. Part of the smoking population eh? So, this question could be very well directed at myself. Doing some soul searching on the world wide web? Perhaps...or maybe it just struck me. Why am i smoking???

S-T-R-E-S-S. Yeap. The number 1 reason people give as to why they smoke. Its understandable lah. I mean, you need an outlet to release some of that tension right? And among all the things that you can do, smoking is the least harmless. Shocking statement? Let me explain...
Imagine you get involved in a stressed induced conflict. Let's say, you decided that you dont like that guy's face and you would really love the pleasure of rearranging it. You could get hurt, he could get hurt...and there's still the collateral damage worth mentioning.
Then, there's always you talking too much. God...how much trouble you're going to get yourself into.
And lastly...you can always go boozing. Crap man. It's instant death if you happen to be driving.
See my point here?

Medical reasons states otherwise saying that its the nicotine in your blood from all that cigarettes that's actually causing the stress. Gee, i didnt noe every single tom dick and harry smoked cause everybody's facing some sort of stress. Smokers simply choose to smoke as an outlet. But yes, i agree that nicotine induces uneasiness among smokers. WE need the nicotine to feel all comfy. Its called an addiction. But its not as bad as the addiction to drugs, caffine, sex, alcohol and plenty of other things that might seem normal to you and others, but my opinion differs. Not just a bit, but by alot.

Right now, i know i might sound as if im promoting smoking. Im not. Im just stating facts here. Im just saying why people smoke. Why? So that we can actually understand the problem first before we can search out for the solution. Hasnt the army taught any of you that? Appreciation of Situation ppl!!! For those in the SPF or SCDF, you're not excused. Policemen fight baddies off the streets, Firefighters fight fires on the buildings along the streets. U still need to do AOS before you can actually solve the problem right?

So now i've identified the problem...comes the solution. Quiting!

Yes. Q-U-I-T-I-N-G. It takes more than just self-discipline to do that. Smoking has bcome part of the habits that i do from the time i take flight from lala land to the time i land back into lala land. Its not a good habit. But then again, most of the habits that i have arent exactly that good either. Unless you call cursing a good habit. Or eating a lot good too. Or a thousand other things that i'd be doing good.

So how do i do it? Simple. I just spend more time with the ones i love. And in order to increase the chances of that happening, you'd have to take steps and measures right? Smoking increases the chances of death(along with the everyday things that you people do). So...quit smoking. Simple. No smoke, no sickness, more time with my sayang =). A+B=C. ( those math geeks out there, pardon my maths. I have no interest in your opinions in my formula. U see, u bitch about me all you want but in the end, this is an english language blog. Not a math blog. You can do all tha bitching to the rest of the math geek's blogs in the world but not mine. Im not one you)

Need more help? Call 1800-QUITLINE. But this is only for those losers fighting a losing battle. YOu morons shld be more disciplined!!!

I AM THANKFUL FOR THE WIFE WHO SAYS IT'S HOT DOGS TONIGHT, BECAUSE SHE IS HOME WITH ME, AND NOT OUT WITH SOMEONE ELSE.

FOR THE HUSBAND WHO IS ON THE SOFA BEING A COUCH POTATO, BECAUSE HE IS HOME WITH ME AND NOT OUT AT THE BARS.

FOR THE TEENAGER IS COMPLAINING ABOUT DOING DISHES BECAUSE IT MEANS SHE IS AT HOME, NOT ON THE STREETS.

FOR THE TAXES I PAY BECAUSE IT MEANS I AM EMPLOYED .

FOR THE MESS TO CLEAN AFTER A PARTY BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE BEEN SURROUNDED BY FRIENDS.

FOR THE CLOTHES THAT FIT A LITTLE TOO SNUG BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE ENOUGH TO EAT.

FOR MY SHADOW THAT WATCHES ME WORK BECAUSE IT MEANS I AM OUT IN THE SUNSHINE.

FOR A LAWN THAT NEEDS MOWING, WINDOWS THAT NEED CLEANING, AND GUTTERS THAT NEED FIXING BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE A HOME .

FOR ALL THE COMPLAINING I HEAR ABOUT THE GOVERNMENT BECAUSE IT MEANS WE HAVE FREEDOM OF SPEECH.

FOR THE PARKING SPOT I FIND AT THE FAR END OF THE PARKING LOT BECAUSE IT MEANS I AM CAPABLE OF WALKING AND I HAVE BEEN BLESSED WITH TRANSPORTATION .

FOR MY HUGE HEATING BILL BECAUSE IT MEANS I AM WARM.

FOR THE LADY BEHIND ME WHO SINGS OFF KEY BECAUSE IT MEANS I CAN HEAR.

FOR THE PILE OF LAUNDRY AND IRONING BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE CLOTHES TO WEAR.

FOR WEARINESS AND ACHING MUSCLES AT THE END OF THE DAY BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE BEEN >>CAPABLE OF WORKING HARD.

FOR THE ALARM THAT GOES OFF IN THE EARLY MORNING HOURS BECAUSE IT MEANS I AM ALIVE.

AND FINALLY, FOR TOO MUCH E-MAIL BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE PEOPLE WHO ARE THINKING OF ME.


The way is see, there's two ways you could take a peek at life. Positively or negatively. Yah, i know this might sound like cliche, but ya, there's no other way that i can put it. Its simply the way that it is. Even tho the world's isnt that much of a nice place to live, but yah, lets take a peek at the positive side and it might just be bearable. I noe i noe, it gets worst as u grow older. When was the world a nice place to live in anyway? Oh yes...when we were young little boys and girls. The only toys that we know off would be ones known as Little Tykes, Playdoh, micromachines and well, much much more. Things change as u grow older. The only thing that doesnt change would definately be the likes of Transformers. They just get cooler is a grew older. What?!?! It's a great movie!! Hell yeah! Sad to say tho, i dont play with i used to play with. Now i'd play with toys with badass names...nothing wholesome about them. They'd just put holes in you instead. Wanna noe them? Sure.....they come in many shapes, sizes and ya, weights too. They have names like the M203, M18A1 and soooooooooooo much more. Yup. Mean toys....sad isnt it?

Im straying off topic tho. Yes. The only reason that the world isnt as nice as it used to be is because one of thing and one thing only. One word to sum it all and in the darkness, rule them all! Kinda ala lord of the rings isnt it? Yeap..."RESPONSIBILTY". I mean, which kid had to responsibility to take care of himself anyway(thats the basic responsibility anyone could ever have). Coz if the kid did, then it'd be very very scary just to think of it. Imagine, u having a collegue of 3 years of age. Kinda rubbish isnt it? Sad part is, it might just become a reality in the not so distant future.

Again....im straying off again!!! Crap......What was i talking about? Oh yes...y the world isnt such a nice place after all. Look around you...the 7 deadly sins are all around you. Pride, Envy, Gluttony, Lust, Anger, Greed and Sloth. Religious or not, its just human nature. Best we could ever do is to not do it excessively i guess. Overdoing something is just as bad as not doing it in the first place. Cept that, not doing any of the above 7 things is never a reality( it will never be!! trust me)

But that's not my point. I was just pointing out how bad life really is. But you can go along living live moping all the way till u actually pass on(at this juncture, i just imagined everyone dragging their faces on the ground as they walk. Dont ask me why, but i find this hilarious). Gotta think positive. And those subculture thingy...screw em'. They want to think that everybody sucks because we all dont agree to their opinion. Well, this is mine. U and ur opinion suck. I dont care what you think about my opinion coz i just cldnt give a flying fuck about yours either. So there...we're even now see? Ha! Subcultures and their opinion about ppl....can u just imagine what they're thinking? This is what they actually think "Everybody sucks because they dont understand what im thinking..." Who can actually understand a thought that is very very fickle and esp when you dont want to talk abt it and just remain angry coz nobody cares................Subculture ppl...WAKE UP UR FUCKING IDEAS!!!!! Hahahhaa...im just plain wicked arent i?

Crap...gone off track again. Urm...nothing makes sense now does it? Hence the blog name...blabberbutt =) Read it and weap.........(hopefully it'd be tears of humour tho)

Its been a long time since i've wrote. Guess im kinda in a mood to write right now...
Past week has been really really trying. Honestly, i thought i was going to have a breakdown at any time. Being on high alert for 24hours a day, 7 days in one week....it sucks u noe. Tiring mentally and physically. Glad thats all over now...even tho its just not quite yet. Sian.

Crap...the moods gone. Maybe i'll just write another day then.