Ok. Great. It's been a dry spell for me. Well, blogging wise at least. Then again, have you figured out that it is always when you're in no situation to write (or even near it) that the best thoughts come to you? For me, inspiration comes to me on a bike, when im running or when im right in the middle of a match. The stoning moment comes to me when im no where near a pen or paper much less a computer. By the time i eventually get to one, the moment's gone. I forgot what suddenly struck me. So i keep some paper and a pen in my bike's seat compartment. You know...just in case.

Music has served me well. Well, not well enough because if it was really well, my life would have background music to it. Well, can always make do by plugging into my mp3 and walk/ride around. Works well for me. If i cant do that, i'd just think about the song in my head or WORST! I'D SING IT!!! So............if you happen to hear someone wailing nonsense whilst on the expressway, that's probably me singing my lungs out. Nope, i havent been pulled over before but they do give me weird stares.

Certain songs does have certain effects on me. I dont know. One of the most prominent song in my life would be Androgyny by Garbage. It was during my Individual Marksmanship Trainer(this simulated range) session and it was my turn to shoot. The technician had the radio turned on onto 98.7fm and then that song came out. My nervousness(i was nervous btw) all disapeared and i even got a perfect score! From then on, whenever i shoot, i'd play that song in my head over and over again because when i didnt, all my rounds didnt square up. When i did, everything landed where it should be(imagine if my target was a real person, that person would have really hated Garbage...the band at least). That became my shooting song.

Another song that simply drives me crazy (when im on my bike) would be Supermassiveblackhole. Yeap. Muse. Suddenly cars dont matter as i have this immense desire to slip and slid through them. Corners becomes fluid as i bank from corner to corner with ease. And no, i am not exagerating. If you see me on the road, and i suddenly speed up and go through corners like i was in some sort of a race, Supermassiveblackhole is on baby!!! Yeah...

Guess there's a lot more songs that i could list but that would make things too boring. So i'd leave it as it is. Alright, time to get to work.

I guess, at the end of the day, men, truly is alone.

Past few days have been quite boring for me. Its still routine albeit in a lepak kind of way. Morning gym. Afternoon, spend time with her or tuition. Night, rotting at home on the computer or either that lepak-ing in jb. With a great shitload of time, comes a whole lot of ball-scratching(DO NOT TAKE IT LITERALLY! HHAHAHAHa).

Anyway, i've been spending a lot of time on FB, looking thru photos of my buddies. God i miss those times. 2006-2008...NS was a haven compared to what i have now. Aimlessness is overwhelming me now. Idleness is the devil's best tool to turn a crap crap-ier. crap-ier. Like i said, ball-scratching action.

A lot people would give me the puzzled look (some even the look of pure hate) when i mentioned that i enjoyed being a soldier. Maybe, if they went through what i did, they would understand why i would dare mention such a thing. I got the whole complete NS package. Whatever you can think of, i have done it. Of course, don't over think it because it aint what its like like its one the TVeeeeee. The mere question of what my NS is like would spring me into life of story-telling. God i miss that life.

Can you imagine? Wake up at 6 for breakfast followed by a run, shower, lessons, lunch, lessons, training, shower, dinner, nights off...and the whole cycle begins the very next day. OF course, every now and then i would be overseas for a bit doing the same thing but with a little bit of TWANG added to it. Aimlessness would not be an issue as there is always something that we would have to achieve.

Maybe my ramblings are a direct result of nostalgia. Perhaps....but who can deny the fact that great company would turn any horrible even or situation into one which is enjoyable. None would have brought out the worst out of them and yet being able to bring out the best of them when the time calls for it. Sure, the journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. But no one must forget that it also begins with a lot of bitchin' and moaning too. You simply cannot deny that. I can still remember each and every experience vividly as if they are happening to me there and then(that's what i do when im stoning). Every night, i would be dreaming about putting on the uniform every morning and setting out to do what i am good at: Being a soldier.

Right now, to whomever is reading is, i am sensing a lot of loathe from you. But like you, we have different dreams...different goals in life. Maybe i am destined for this? The purpose of my existence. Perhaps? Only God knows what is my purpose of existence. Wish he would tell me....soon...

"Loneliness is simply God's way of wanting to have a word with you in private - Anonymous"

Micheal Jackson's death shook the world...literally. I bet all the blogs have mention his passing in one way or another. Perhaps, maybe just perhaps, mine would be the only one that is forthcoming in a way that his death is just a mere passing remark of what i am about to write.

His death got me reflecting about how time flew by so fast. I can still vividly remember the day he came down to Singapore. I swore that i could hear people chanting out his name from the balcony of my late grandfather's flat. As i am typing this, i can still remember how every nook and cranny of the house smelled like, felt like, looked like...memories overwhelming me. This was about the time when i was around 3 maybe 4. I had my cousin pointing to the direction of the Swisshotel at me and saying that, " Tengok saner! Nari Micheal Jackson perform kat saner!". Subtitles: Look! Micheal Jackson is performing there today! I can still remember him dressing up like the King of Pop. Jackson fever was an unstopable epidemic.

Everyone looked so young then. My dad, my mom...my grandfather looked sickly and as fate would have it, he passed on a year or two later. My cousins too looked young. One of them passed away a few years back followed shortly by the passing of my grandma a year later. Everyone looks so much older now. My dad just celebrated his 51st birthday and my mom her 48th. I do still rummage through photo albums that have been left to be cobwebbed in one corner of the house to be reminicsed of all the memories i've had since i was 20 years younger.

Alas, time is speeding up. The more i try to slow it down, the faster it spins. Its like all clocks in this world was mean to ticks on faster and faster as days wears on. Its like i do not even have the time anymore to enjoy a single moment of my life. It's depressing really. Age creeps up to me faster then you can even have the moment to think that it is really catching on to me. Right now, my dad is the exact image of my grandad when i remembered him. I hope he wont go so soon.

I cant help it. I know death is eventual. I just cant help it. I simply do not know how to deal with the losses of loved ones and i simply do not want to learn how to. When those 3 people, mentioned earlier, died...i did not cry; i did not even feel as if i had lost someone. I felt numb. Perhaps i did not appreciate them much. Perhaps i do not know them that well. But from what my dad told me, both my grandad and my grandma loved me and my brother (my youngest brother wasnt in the picture yet when my grandad passed away) truthfully. I had not come to know that because my grandad passed away too quickly when i was too young. By then, my grandma was already paralyzed and was not able to speak much less have the ability to actually dote on us. But from what i knew, they loved us with all their hearts(my maternal grandparents couldnt really care less).

I want to love. I want to show that i care. Somehow, i have lost that ability to show it to my parents. Something is wrong with me...i pray that im not to god.

There are only two occasions that will bring friends and family close together to a person: birth(or birthdays) and death. Truly, it is the only occasion whereby you are able to gather your masses to celebrate the existence of you in this world or the passing of your existence into the next. Although sadistic and many of you might disagree by saying that weddings too gathers the masses, it simply no comparison to the above mentioned occasions: both momentous in their own right.

Truly, i will never understand why only at the last moments of a persons life do his/her loved ones gather around just to see the person for the very last time. Only at the verge of death do people wished that they had spent more time with the person. Nobody blames them for it is within our society's system to occupy most of our lives with salaried labour; forcing it through various means albeit most of them are nothing more than noticeable.

I have seen more people shedding tears of grief rather than joy for the person who is passing on. Truly, one cannot regret that the person is passing on but to be joyous(to a limit) that the person has lived a full life- one that the grieving should be happy about. A wise man once said that nobody should be sad for the person is dying but should be glad that the person has led a full life. It does not matter how the person lived it. For it was preordained by the almighty-albeit choices were made, it none the less lead to the same ending: death.

Rather than grieving, why not spend time celebrating the person's existence in this world with whatever time we ourselves can afford to. Afford...pfft. Time has been converted into a commodity. The more we try to obtain it, the faster it runs out. Its like we are hanging from a cliff, struggling to clasp onto the edge. The more we struggle the more inevitable that the fall seems. The more we try to grab, the more we seem to be losing grip.

Do not look for how things end up. No matter what, it will be alright in the end; if it isn't alright, then it is not probably the end yet. Every race can be finished. It does not matter what one does to finish it but what matters is that one will eventually finish it. Instead, enjoy what you are doing, and while you're at it, share it with your loved ones for the only permanence is that all will perish at the very end. Do not bother about that. It is beyond control. Do not grieve. Be glad that you have celebrated live with the loved one. For the dying, do not cry for it will all be over soon.

Life is a pleasurable, death is peaceful. IT is the transition that is bothersome and painful. Do not celebrate just for the live of the newborn. Celebrate for the dying too for he was once a newborn too and at one point, somebody has celebrated that matter. To grief and regret is to do the same for his existence.

Work is taking the best out of me. Then again, it wont feel like work unless you get tired out of it. Imagine this, the best times to do anything gets taken up by work. I cant even go to the library to borrow books that i can read during the slow periods because they only open from 1100-2100...and that is how my shift is like too.

On the hindsight, it does get enjoyable at times. It's amazing just how much you get to learn about someone or about something in a very short period of time. All it takes is the "Madagascar Penguin Method" to get it all started (just smile and wave boys...just smile and wave...). But ones it does, i can get them to share their live stories and all this is happening without me saying a single thing. I just smile and nod. They do occasionally ask me a few things like urm...how i am getting paid. haha. Ya, other than that, it's just me listening to whatever they want to talk about.

One thing that i have observed about hospitals is that it is a great place to have family gatherings. Before you go on to say what a BASTARD i am to say such a thing, let me explain. Firstly, i have experienced it myself. My uncles and aunts are busy with their own lives so its kinda hard to have family gatherings. But as my late-grandma got sicker, she was constantly being admitted into hospitals. Being the children they are, my dad and his siblings would go down to visit my grandma. Naturally, their families would tag along too. Dare i say it, it was a great way for everyone to catch up on each other: seeing how their nieces and nephews are all growing up quickly, how each other are doing...things sort of like that.

It seems like the best way to bring people together would be grief. Death and illness seems to bring the best out of humanity. Not talking about just how everyone would pay their last respects to the person how has just passed on.It is up to the point that i had no idea who 70% of those who came down to my grandma's funeral- Friends, family, relatives...most of them i have never seen before. But my dad and his siblings were comfortably chatting with them so i assume that its someone familiar to them.

ROFL. When i digress, i really digress! Anyway, back to the hospital. There seems to be a lot of old people there. Some already a century old! Imagine if i could get them to tell me about their live stories. I could be writing hundreds of biographies or maybe a compilation of their live memories. The best part is, before this, i have never even knew of their existence. And to those who are reading this, you can only imagine of their existence- face, names, height, weight or even personalities are all imagined because you all have never met.

This reminds me of the time in my Secondary school days when i was constantly dragged to old folks home as it was part of my CCA(i got tricked into it because they said we were firstly prefects/councilors etc.) But when i think about it, i really ridicule those people who go to such places only to mock the old(by prancing around on stage or singing). I think they get enough entertainment just by watching television or listening to the radio. Or better yet, they get 2 of those types of media and much more with the internet! Really! So......(in order to refocus, one has to go out of focus...hahahahha!) ya, back to what i was saying. What they really wanted was some company. Someone to share their live stories with. And with each visit, i would take the time to sit down and listen to them talk for hours on end about how they lived their childhood days, how their teenage years were cut short due to the war (there was even a world war 2 veteran!) how they sloughed through their entire lives just to bring up their children(and sometimes how ungrateful those bastards can be after all these years). Like i said, i could be writing biographies from them. Its amazing sometimes to listen to them. Its kind watching Big Fish over and over again except this time, the characters are different and so are their live stories.

So much talk about old people...i shall leave with this:

A reporter was interviewing a women celebrating her 104th Birthday for the news:

Reporter: So, madam, what is the best thing about being 104 years old?
Old Lady: No peer pressure

shall be writing something tonight...i hope

Why we fight?

I've been wanting to write this out for months now, but the P-monster(P being procrastination) looming around every time, it never did. So, at 4AM, i am going to this and it is going to be LEGEND..wait for it....................
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DARY!!!!!! hahaha.

Why do we fight? I've always have this strong sense of fascination about wars, particularly World War 2 dubbed as the wars to end all wars(ironically, the cold war followed soon after and that ranged from a variety of political wars and races too). I've always wondered, is it in human nature to be in a constant state of conflict towards one another? If so, we may have very well discovered another constant in our state of constant change.

Up till today, i have no idea why so fascinated with this war which caused 60 million lives worldwide. Both sides, the Axis powers and the Allied powers suffered massive casualties both military personnel and also innocent civilians(notice if you took out the c and the i and add another l next to the l and rearranged it, it becomes villains). Are we, as human beings, corrupted and conflicted by nature? I would rather think that we humans are rather corrupted beings. If we were, the children of Adam and Eve would still be frolicking in the Gardens of Eden. Is it the temptation to ultimate power? Is it the money? Only god knows.

I am not particularly sure about other religions but mine states that whatever happens was probably meant to happen. In other words, all our actions, our words loud or soft, were all devised to happen even before we know what is going to happen. In this sense, i feel very small as i am nothing but a mere puppet in god's hand. I have digressed.

I have recently finished reading this book, The Longest Winter which is a book about how an American platoon managed to hold an onslaught by a force more than 500times larger then them. This action accomplished by them would go on to save a lot of lives(Allied forces of course) as it bought them more time to regroup, reorganize and countered this massive last desperate gamble by Hitler. They all survived the war after having gone through months as POWs. Years later, they would chance upon their captors and some eventually became the best of friends despite the fact that they had once tried to kill each other.

This isnt the only reported case as they are many others which i am currently making no attempt to cite. Hahaha! Well, maybe just one. In the form of a movie, Joyeux Noel which means Merry Christmas. Though it is from the Great War aka WW1, it reenacted the entire scene whereby soldiers from both sides came out of their trenches and celebrated Christmas together with their carols and among others, a game of baseball. Despite the merry making, they were order by higher command to get back in their trenches and the fighting resumed the very next day; it was as if they never actually met their "killers".

This fascination can fast-forward to the present times. All men are brothers, yet everyday, there is always news about someone wanting to kill someone. Someone, taking the food of others. The list goes on. I sometimes wonder, is this God's way of saying that the end is near??

Comments please....

As it is right now, im getting ready for my shift again which starts in 2 hours time. Hehs. It's kinda...urm..something for me this week. It's not really depressing but it does get to you if you were to do night shifts for the entire of one week. Asleep by the day and working by the night. Something which i am totally the opposite of. I am sort of a morning person if you will. No matter how late i sleep, it would be rare to catch me asleep after 0800hrs of that day unless its after a night of hard labour(or partying ;>)

There are many take backs to this experience for the week. For instance, the number of people i met during the course of my work. And yes, it seems that i am doing my night shift with different people every night. So it seems that i am the only constant for that post, everyone else is a variable. Is there something more than this? I cannot be sure about that. What i can be sure is that my eyes has once again been opened to the sides of Singapore that one would never get to view or even if presented with, one would choose to look away. Yes, the working class and what not. Talking to them has enlightened me with views and opinions over everything that is occurring around us(as to which i shall not disclose).

The last time i had such an experience was during the army. Yes, its the stories that one can only hear but never see, see but never experience, experience but only for an instance. I've heard about it, seen it, felt it...it is almost synonymous within my character. I want to help. I want to help more. I'm just praying that my results would turn out good hoping that im good for the SAF scholarship. Perhaps i can do more there then here or any other space which i occupy.

It's been days since i ended my 1st year of studies and all i've doing is unproductive work: just lazing around at home, wake up late, gym for awhile, call some people to hang out with...i feel that im getting fatter and fatter as the days goes on by.

Hanging out simply means lepaking under somebody's block and talking cock. Well, it's not the usual mat versh coz that versh does not include topics on how to make money(the honest way of course) or how to save the world(eventually). But it's all rather unproductive i would say. Hopefully i get that job or else my brains will stew in its own filth from this.

I guess the only thing that keeps me sane is riding. Yeap! Even though my bike is kinda small and is not as fast like all others, it does have it's advantages. Mainly, nobody gives a cahoot about it. This means(i really hope so) it wont get stolen or some bastard doest decide to use it as part of his ITE fyp. I really hope not.

Riding is blissful to me. It's especially so on deserted roads where nobody will call me a road-hoagger just for riding slowly...too slow for the bike of my kind to be going. Good thing is, when i want it to go fast, it will =). Hopefully, after it gets serviced, it gets really really fast- faster then i ever need it to be. The thrill is there. But speed is not as thrilling as negotiating through curves and corner. The smoothness of transiting between one bend to another..it's like poetry in motion, with the help of a 150cc engine(i really hope to get a bigger bike soon so that the power of my engine doesnt amuse others).

It's actually like flying a plane. Since i got rejected by the air-force, i guess this is the next best thing. My bike doesnt complain at all. It does give hints that it needs to rest, or that it needs to get well taken care off. But once i fullfill all its hints, its smooth running baby!!!

I really really do hope that the trip materializes because i really really want to experience the ultimate road trip experience. Miles and miles of open road (with friends i hope). Actually, it doesnt matter if im doing it alone but friends do help because that means that there's always somebody else looking out for you(in return for the same thing). Guess a buddy in need is a buddy indeed....that was real cheesy, i know. But buddies are hard to come by like shakespear once said, for those who shed their blood with me shall be my brother..

Finally! It's over! Yet..i dont feel any sense of achievement or liberation for that matter. Some say that its becase we didnt study enough. Too much horsing around they would say. I would say that...i've nvr worked so hard my entire life before. It comes to the point that once i stared at the paper, my mind went blank...4 times!

After each paper, it will be normal for people to be talking about the paper. I really really hate that. To me, what's done is done. I dont really like to bother much about it unless something from that paper bothers me. Lately, i've been getting into the habit of reading my notes at the very last minute even though i know it would not do me any good. Besides, from my PSLe all the way to my A lvls, i have never done it before. So why now? Peer pressure? Maybe.

Ah!! Enough about exams. It's the holidays now. I shall work so that i can save up enough money to go for that bike trip and pay for my insurance. Hur hur...$800 for insurance, im sure thats a whole lot more then what people are paying for for their cars. Nvm...i shall be patient about it and shall progressively(slowly is a Mat word) work on it. Eventually i'll get there. About the bike trip...we'll have to work out the finances according and plan out our route. Shah's grandma lives in Malacca so that's definately our focal point. Like Genghis Khan, we'll conquer the world on our bikes bit by bit. Hill by hill. Mountain by mountain. Continent by continent. One step at a time =)

I just finished a 3 hour session of physics help...cant seem to find my brains anywhere. Sigh...wished i had SOME background to it. Helps a lot you know. This is the result of a school structure so rigid that when you put it on a head-on collision with the school building...the building might just give way.

Education in singapore sucks...truly. Why do we have to sit for exams? What's the point of it anyway? To rate students on their understanding of what has been taught? There is some truth to it since it IS carried out on a large scale basis. But O and A levels...shouldnt it be stopped there? Why carried it all the way into the University level? Wouldnt tests and quizzes(once that pop out of nowhere) be a better measure? I mean, it keeps the students coming to class and also "motivates" them to study consistently. And IF they do not understand a part of that subject/course/module, wouldnt it be easier to spot them so?

This examination system really sucks ass. People who have not been coming to class or put in much effort except on the very very last minute basis (only towards the exams) are reaping the benefits instead of those who have been consistently strriving their best in their everyday life. This is especially so for those "genius" who are able to recall everything that they do at the very last minute compared to those who have been practicing it on a daily basis. After all, isnt each course training each and everyone of us to be what we have signed up for (for a "small" fee of 6-7k a year =D)?

Let me paint you a picture of what the system is really like and how it fails every single one of us. You work your ass of for your exams even though you do not even come for a single lesson. You get straaaaaaaaaaaaaaaight A's just because of that. You get hired by a company because of ur grades. They ask you to give a presentation about a particular subject (one related to your source of A). You just stand down there...like a deer caught in the spotlight/headlight/flashlight/candlelight/starlight/lightlight. Yes. Seen those. Heard of those.

The system makes us study for the sake of studying. What's the point? where's the end result? I hate this sense of spurious sense of achievement that everybody gets after receiving their results. There's distance yes...but is there any displacement between what we know now and what we would know in the future?

IT WAS LEGEND...WAIT FOR IT...DARY!!! I just got back from JB and every time i ride there, it never fails to amaze me. It's like going on a short vacation every other weekend. Super short in fact...just a couple of hours and its back to the reality that is Singapore(and exams...shucks!).

Petrol RM16.70
Bike Wash RM8
Chicken Burger RM5
Teh-o-ice-limau (iced lime tea) RM2
Fags RM7
Gums RM11.20
Experience of riding amongst some lawless riders in the continent Priceless

For everything else, there's malaysian money. hahahaha!

Even though we spent some 1hr plus trying to get in, it was all worth it. And while waiting to clear the checkpoint, there was even entertainment: Woodlands Checkpoint Symphony number 230843010481A in Horn Major, Minor. Hahaha...there was air horn, bike horn, Truck horn, and if im not wrong, this lady even had a bicycle horn because hers really cannot make it. ROFL. (Dont know why she even bothered...idiot).

Hmm...this feels great! I feel like im ready to take the world once again(but first, i have to take on my notes and then the four papers which are going to slaughter me)!
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee~...hopefully later on today will be much more productive for me...hopefully

Im supposed to be studying right now. But it seems that i have lost all drive to do so. It's became so mundane....doing it for the sake of doing it. It really really sucks ass at this moment. Then again, since im at the bottom, the only way is up! Horrah! Unless of course i dig a deeper hole..then i have no words for that.

Anyway, i've always wondered. How do we end up at this exact spot? What did we do to end up here? Where have we been? When did all this happen? Who made this all possible? It's really quite intriguing if you really think about it. All you need is some brain juice(if its not enough, there's plenty of fruit stalls to choose from in school)and there you go...a journey of stoning. Hahaha!

Hmm...since young, all i thought about was becoming a pilot flying a fighter jet. It's one of the coolest thing one can ever do. REally! I know, i know...those who ARE that will say how mundane it is, how boring it really is. C'mon! Who, in amongst the entire population of Singapore get to do it day in, day out(but since i've mentioned it that way...it does seem kinda mundane to some already. hahaha)? Then it changed...i wanted to become an army officer! wahhhhhhh. No no no...nothing glamorous about it. But the skills that i would have (totally irrelevant to the service, public or private sector) would be a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. I should know better, i experienced the FULL army experience. One that none of our Uni boys would ever(or want to for that matter) experience. It was well worth it...every single second of it.

Not that i want to use that as a perfect excuse(nostalgia is never a good reason for you to do something or worst! being committed to it). Rather, its the skill that i have acquired and the amount of things i have learnt. Somehow, i feel that i belong in the army. AS of now, i feel rather out place. Plus...studying is anal!!!!!!!!

Ever have this nagging feeling that you feel like writing something but am in no means of doing so? It happens to me all the time. Call it unlucky inspiration because you have no means of recording down that one moment of brilliance. Funny thing is that it happens to me whenever im either on the bike or when im running. It's like a million an one ideas comes into your head and by the time you're finally able to write it down, it's all gone! Sucks-ass doesnt it?

Anyways, i just realized something about myself that i've picked up lately. I am able to converse like a true blue mat whenever the need arises. Cool huh? There's mat moto languge(and all its lingo), there's mat-bawah-block langugage, there's kedai-kopi mat language...etc. This didnt happen when i still had the 1 infront of 0-9 on my age. Cant say i picked it up in the army. But i can definately remember that it got to me only after i started school (after 2 years of rewarding break. if you went through what i did in the army, it was rewarding indeed. lucky few bastards thats what we are!).

Comebacks come as naturally as they are. It's like blinking the eye. You dont know you're doiing it but you're doing it alrite. And you can even choose to do it conciously. Amazing!

Another thing that i've discovered (every time an exam looms around, i begin my journey of self discovery...or so it seems), my lameness peaks around exams too. Its like nothing is going into my head...just rubbish that is coming out of my mouth. To those who are suffering from this, i really do hope that there's some entertainment value that you manage to scrape from every experience.

Well, i really intent on that Bike Road Trip with the rest of the P-plate club. Singapore-Negeri Sembilan-Malacca-KL-JB-Singapore. But i really am looking forward to that dirt bike rental in Malacca that Shah promised. Its like me coming back to mountain biking (last i did so was in 2003) only with an engine on the bike (hopefully this bike wont suffer the same fate what my mountain bike did...rolling down the side of Bukit Timah. hahahaha). Hopefully it will come around to be a success so that it can be a stepping stone for further trips when we get bigger bikes (SUPER 4 people! No DRZ!!! After that...AFRICA TWIN!!! WOHOO!!!)

Im out of things to write about. Take care now, bye bye then

im supposed to be asleep right now but i cant. maybe i shld be studying? hmm....nah....nothing's going through my head(perhaps i have thick skull hence the stuborness to all advice far and wide). Oh well...hmm. What shall i be kao-pei-ing about? How about errant and irresponsible dickies who drive?

I hate them. Truly i do. Imagine almost crashing into them at a rate of almost once every 10-20mins. Ya...maybe because they cant see us. Maybe because they dont really care. hmm...hate them...

Haiz...even this little activity of mine seems kinda pointless at the moment. Im basically writing about nothing. NOthing...hmm...that's an interesting topic to talk about. Nothing-ness.

Anyways, i thought of a great idea of how to create money(really need it for my planned road trip on me bike!!! Wohoo!). It struck me and as i quote from those who were unfortunate enough to be around me, "he's really talking nonsense but his sentences do correlate". Well, it started with the spotting of a tree covered by newspapers infront of S3.1. I thought...why not write the word HAUNTED on it to see if anyone would believe it. Shahul...in all his greatness, said that why not just put an alter there? Why not?! It sure would scare the hell out of me(thus making me heavenly...i hope. ROFL). Then...i thought, just like the monkey tree incident, i could make money out of it. In all my fucked up thoughts...i upped the ante by thinking...why not i place it at one of the benches? Surely ppl will think that there might be something wrong with it...or................it could be HOLY!!!! Bwahahahax. With the exam period and all...i could trick the ah tiongs into thinking that by donating to me to sit there for just 5 mins, they could be scoring As!!! Imagine that!

Prolly right now, you readers (are there even any???) are already judging me. Right? Right? Right? Yes yes...i know i sound like a bastard. Then again, a bastard is really a bastard when he isnt even trying to be one. Hmm...doesnt make sense does it? Ah...dont worry...it's just one of FAdzil's daily dosage of philosophy.

What is philosophy? Well...it's somethign that is sooooooooooo deep in meaning and sounds very nice yet totally unneccessary to anyone for that matter. Its basically making things more compicated. And those things are already complicated to begin with.

All this blabberring is getting me nowhere. I caught myself reading my previous entries starting from those from DEC 2005. Wow! 3 years(almost) and going? I used to be able to talk soooooooooo much about anything and everything. Damn...STUPID EXAMS! GIVE ME BACK MY ARMY DAZE!!!! I feel like i belong to wearing green(new stupid uniform included) better then to be buried in books. Honestly, i'd rather be taking a degree in Defense Strategies and....(damn, i forgot what was the name of that course they offer at West Point). Oh well...........How i met your mother was nice =)

Okay! Here we go. It's been a million years (almost, in spongebob-land time anyway) since i have ever written anything here. It's been here. It's always been here. I just choose to chuck it into one corner like how we always do to our memories. I guess, the analogy works here too. I mean, when was the last time you did anything that you used to love doing as a kid? When was the last time you went down the slide? When was the last time you had a game of "block-catching" with your neighbours running away from the ever-revengeful captors no slippers, no rules...just pure imaginative fun.

I guess most of us would give the reason that we are to busy with our daily lives to do anything of that sort. Then, there would be the rest who would say that it is to childish...GROW UP! That's what they would say. Well, in our pursuit of growing up, most of us eventually lose ourselves to the pleasures, pain, the comfort, the dreadfulness of life. From the little kid that has a million hopes and goals to a monotonous droid whom ploughs through the fields of paper and fax machines just so that they can carry on living.

To a certain(no wait, a great, no wait, a certain...im kind of undecided here. Then again, you decide what its really like for you) extent, that is true. After all, living in the 10th Most expensive place is no easy feat.

Never the less, i still love growing up. I still have a lot to learn. And i bet, so does everyone else. Why? Because the day that you start growing up is the day that you return back to the earth in whatever forms your religion permits you to. I guess The Ataris's "In This Diary" has really stuck on onto me. Being grown up is as just half fun as growing up after all...

Wah! I thought i havent written anything here in a month. Fortunately, it's only been a week. Phew! Well, whats up? Well, exams are just around the corner ( you know, the kind of corner that you would walk up to and suddenly, a monster just jumps up on you and gives you the scare of your life! ya...that's the kind of corner). Guess what? Im finally getting the jitters. And i have no idea why....haiz.

The last time i ever sat for the exams was in 2005. Yup...the A lvls. That was a relief cause i knew the next step for me would be uni. Ya...and here i am now. Truth be told, i didnt really care about exams. All i did was to put in my best and hope for the best. Like Franklin once said, " If a man already did his best, what else is there to ask for?" Yay FRank! Or was it some other guy??? Hmm...help me out here?

Its been busy studying, busy studying and busy studying. Here's how my routine is like: Wake up at 6.30. Shower, Run errands. I try to be in school by 8.30. Gym for an hour or less. IF there's still time before lectures or lessons, i'd do a bit of my raedings. Maybe get something to eat. YA...Then, at the end of the day (or during breaks, [use when applicable]), i'd eat my lunch before continuing my study (or lessons [again, use when applicable]). At 6, i'd have to leave to fetch sayangg. And hopefully, by 8 ( its a good 2 hour break =) FOR DINNER!!! WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?!?!?) i'd be back i in school to continue till 11? ya...that's what my monday to friday is all about. Maybe saturdays too if im not too lazy.

I really dont want to screw this up. I mean, finally, i like what im doing and in the company (only some) of those who do to. I mean, in secondary school, i was surrounded by those who aspire to go to ITEs (hehehe...i was the one who instigated this project because i just didnt want to study. end up, i went to jc while the rest of my sitting-at-the-back-of-the-class-gang went to ite. Err...hehs). In JC, well, some were just plain negative about things. HEck...i played rugby all the way till the weekened before my A lvls started(it was a 2 years break from rugby after that for me =(... ). Ya..i digressed. The main point is, i know i can do this! I just know i can. Perhaps, i could have found my calling?(despite so many times of me feeling this way) I dont...

Well, the best i could do is to do my best like what frank said. Maybe i can now use what i keep telling: Have faith in your training, Hope for the best to happen (or hope that nothing screws up), and glory shall be yours to bask in. I wonder if they ever understood this or even cared...hmm...

Its been a very long time since i wrote anything on this blog. Well, one thing's for sure, my other blog is very much alive (and kicking) probably because its one my weekly assignments. Well, this used to be my daily assignment before i enlisted, during my enlistment and ya...it stops short there. Sucks doesnt it? I used to have funny entries that well...basically talks all the bad things and good things(occasionally) too that are all around me.

One thing i love about this space is, it's all mine (i suppose so). I dont get graded or anything for anything( NO MORE 3 TICKS!!! YESS!!!!). I dont get judge...but even i do, nobody even cares to tell me about it. Kinda like my diary i suppose. Yeah...and anything that i complain about wont get a feedback or cricitized or made fun of eventually....yea...sometimes i need that.

Well...i have about 2 more weeks till the exams and yes...its been a long time since i ever sat in one. The last time i sat for one was in nov 2005...ya..the A levels. Somehow, i didnt quite feel the excitement as what i felt after my O lvls. Perhaps because it was exactly the same as the post o lvl period so there wasnt anyting new for me to look forward to...except a new job that is.

Exams looming over...and ya...i still have other considerations to place that take precedence over my studies. Hmm...study too long...and it stinks...study too short...and im suffering. ya...i've been quite suffering in class lately too. I got a 61% for one of my electives. shucks....gotta buck up on it. And my 102 readings...wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy behind. oh well...better this than that i guess...

Welll...im getting kinda tired...so gtg. hopefully by the next time i write, it would already be the next centure...

i kinda miss the army...

First of all...Selamat Hari Raya everyone. And to everyone a Selamat Hari Raya!!! Yea...that's was lame. But im lame nonetheless. So, its kinda expected of me anyway right?

Anyways...a thousand and one things were running through my mind while i was on the expressway today. Nothing much..just thinking about the past 21 years of my life. Though it isnt quite my birthday, it is still hari raya. To all my muslim friends, im sure this has happened to you too hasnt it? Except for the expressway part maybe. People are getting older. My parents are getting older. The baton will soon be passed to me and my brother? The inversed relationship between parent and child, a normality in all our lives (hopefully so...especially all those infilial bastards), of us taking care of them is almost near. Yet, i cannot help but to reminisce about when i was little fadzil. How my parents doted on us three, how Hari Raya wasnt much but an occasion for us to receive lots of money from my relatives. Yeah...that was fun.

Well, things have changed. And to say it has changed a little is to be a lying bastard. Truth be told, i missed being that small kid. Everything was so much simpler. Everything was so much rosier. Now, im studying sociology and realizing how depressing this world really is and how much so we need that to be present in order for this society to function properly. Well...wish i was blissfully ignorant of all those things. Back to the times of my childhood. Where my parents are young and when i had a full set of grandparents.

You know it's kinda depressing to note that you're parents were once like you: childish, carefree and whatnot...they too had a full set of parents once upon a time. And that their parents are young. And that they might be very well thinking about the same thing that i am thinking off now. Well now, they're the ones that are in their parent's shoes. And im now in theirs. Wish time could just stand still forever. I dont want to be in their positions anytime soon. I really really cant imagine what my hari raya will be like without them...nor the people who are in my life right now. I know that i wont be able to meet those people that have already passed on or left my life for my next hari raya...nor this one. Wish we never have to lose anything that is near and dear to us all....