Find my way back..

With a lot of task at hand, I've decided to do the one thing that I shouldn't be doing...bitch about them all.

The past couple of weeks have indeed been a whirl. Thanks to my injury, surgery and recovery, I have a lot of catching up to do. Knowing how much I procrastinate, the workload just keeps piling up. Besides academics, rugby stuff have been keeping occupied too. The biggest casualty in all of this is my sleep. Well, I guess heavy doses of painkillers during the two weeks plus off of school has somewhat accumulate the amount of sleep I need to sustain myself. Then again, it could have been that I was paying back the sleep debt that I owed. What am I saying here?

Good news is that the knee has been getting better. So far, I have been recovering at miraculous speed. So miraculous that it's ridiculously impossible. I was off the crutches by 2 weeks and off my braces by the 4th week. Hell, I was able to ride my bike again by the third week when my physio-friend told me that it'll take me at least 2 months before I could ride again.

But like all things, I guess the injury was meant to happen for a reason. Firstly, my mom was happy that I was finally staying at home a lot more than I usually do. By usually do it means that I'd only come home at night after a full day at school and leave early in the morning. It seems like I am treating the home more like a hotel than anything else. Although my mom has never actually said that, I could somehow sense it. But yeah, it was the first time I was really at home. So when I actually got off the crutches, I could somehow sense some disappointment from her. It's really just too bad that my house isn't the most conducive place to get any work done. Guess, that's one more reason to get a room in hall for next semester.

But on the bright side (supposedly), I am back to being able to earn some mullahs for myself. Coaching certainly needs me to be physically-abled. Although I am not fully there yet, being able to walk is enough for now. 2 more months before I am able to do any running. 1 more month to swimming. 5 more months for me be get back onto the pitch. My pair of Nikes are currently rotting away in some obscure part of the house. Don't worry baby, in 5 more months, you and me, we're going to be tearing up the pitch once more. I can still remember the date that I last wore my pair of Nikes- 29th of January 2011. That's the fateful day which I tore my ACL. The physio was so insistent that I didn't since I didn't cry like what most people. Getting dished out with punches and kicks since the age of 9 has probably increased my tolerance for pain at an insanely high level. Army training chipped in abit to. So yeah, I didn't cry...but that's because my whole leg numbed out immediately afterwards.

The best part of it all, when I came back for my first post-op physiotherapy, I was told that I didn't look as though I actually underwent surgery since I look so fresh. For a moment there, it hit me that they could have just knocked me out, pretend to do surgery on me before I woke up and all. That's a load of crap but I guess that was the reaction that I had since my physio commented on how fresh I look. Then again, it could have been because I just showered not too long ago.

8 more months before I can really get back on my own feet and doing what I love the most- Rugby. Shall patiently (as much as I possibly can) get there.

All Signs Points to Lauderdale

I hate this town, it's so washed up
And all my friends don't give a fuck
They'll tell me that it's just bad luck
When will I find where I fit in
2,3,4!

Remember when I tried
I'd never strayed too far from you
Forever by your side
No matter what I was going through
But now I never know the things to say to you
That help me prove that I'm still on your side
I never show just what you do to me
Guess I'm what's always wrong

I hate this town, it's so washed up
And all my friends don't give a fuck
They'll tell me that it's just bad luck
When will I find where I fit in
I hate this town

Cause no one can understand,
I just can't be tied down
Nothing comes between me and my plans
So now I never know the things to say to you
That help me prove that I'm still on your side
I never show just what you do to me
Guess I'm what's always wrong

I hate this town, it's so washed up
And all my friends don't give a fuck
They'll tell me that it's just bad luck
When will I find where I fit in

And don't believe a word they're telling to you
Don't believe a word they're telling to you
They let me down
When will I find where I fit in
I hate this town

Won't let a world gone mad ever bring me down
Gave everything I had to turn it back around
Cause our time's worth something
Bigger than both you and me
I can't live my life always backing down
I gotta do this right so they can't make a sound
Cause I'm not here for nothing
Least I can say I stand for something

You and me we stand for something

I hate this town, it's so washed up
And all my friends don't give a fuck
They'll tell me that it's just bad luck
When will I find where I fit in

And don't believe a word they're telling to you
Don't believe a word they're telling to you
They let me down
When will I find where I fit in
I hate this town...


IF there's any song that speaks volumes to/about me right now, it would have to be this one. With recovery in mind, I just can't wait to get it over and done with. Seriously. The doctor/surgeon was surprised to see how fast I am recovering. 2 weeks after the operation and I am off the crutches. Usually, it'd take someone about a month. My friend who suffered the same injury as I did took about 5 weeks to finally get off crutches. But I guess that's because he's a pretty huge guy so that might probably be the case.

To top that op, I am also able to ride my bike again. Though it'll hurt to begin with, it'll eventually go numb and I'll only be in great discomfort once I have to put my right leg down again. My mom isn't stopping with the name calling but I guess I'll let her have her fun for now.

9 months to full recovery. I have yet to pass the first month. It's been only 2 weeks. A lot can happen in 9 months. Meanwhile, I'm going to religiously stick to my gym routine to get back the strength that was in my leg before.

I guess some people don't get it. I exist to prove the naysayers otherwise. Life has an added flavour like that.

Deprive someone to begin any sense of appreciation of things

How to be now

World without crutches is one which is way much better than anything else. For me, walking has a much different flavour now. To many, this is insignificant but for those who have went through what I am going through right now, they'd understand.

So far, I have been called many different names. My mom has lovingly called me robocop. Friends have called me stone cold. Some stranger called me the 6 Million dollar man. How wonderful.

unconscious reality

Im taking another pill just to fall asleep...

It's been a week since the operation and progress has not been quick as expected. I am virtually imprisoned in my own home thanks to a knee injury which (obviously) I didn't ask for but was given anyway. It's kind of like experience- you get it when you don't need it. So day in and day out, I wake up, take my medications, do my exercise regimes (which have been reduced embarrassingly to a few movements to strengthen the knee), watch tv, play games maybe and go about my day doing the same thing over and over again.

Showering and doing other necessities have become less of a chore but nonetheless still one albeit i am getting used to it somehow. I have to or else i'd be so shabby that I would actually smell of shit and pee. A few more years like that and I'd be the weird man who owns a cat. Nobody will even remember my name after that.

Tonight's conversation(what seems like it) has make me out to be someone who's demanding, self-centered and inconsiderate. Well, as always, I need to forsake mine to consider others because mine doesn't matter at all. This community before self catchline is really catching on(else it wouldn't be known as a catchline to begin with). So amidst the things that I have never blame others for but to suck it up and move on, I got one hell of a beating tonight. Again, I shall just suck it up and move along.

I miss being able to move about freely and do things as and when I want to. If it wasn't for this condition of the leg of mine, I would still be able to do all that without having people to bother so much about it. I hate that feeling...having to bog down others for my own needs. Well, I cannot wait for the day the doctor tells me that I don't need the damn crutches anymore! The only way the doctor can top that is to tell me that I have fully recovered!

Right now, everything is back to basics. At the age of 24, I am learning how to walk all over again. The last time I ever remembered doing such a thing was more than 20 years ago. It's frustrating and even the smallest of things can really bring you down. At the same time, the smallest of things can also overwhelm you with a sense of elation. So its really a give and take thing I suppose.

we really need to learn to say "oh what the hell" in life sometimes

Still Learning how to roll with the punches

Waking up to a call by my brother that he's in an accident isn't the kind of thing one expects to hear early in the morning. Somehow, in my gut, I knew this kind of thing was going to happen. Thankfully, it was nothing major and he should be on the way to the bike shop any time soon. Seems like only a couple of weeks back my friend got into an accident. I don't know why people I know always get into an accident. The only accident I got into so far was at a stupid carpark after a stupid fight of which I stupidly went to look for that person to make up for things. Spent the next few days with a testicle the size of a Fuji apple but after which, I was up and running again.

I guess the secret to riding you bike safely is to go fast. Real fast! Safety through speed. I know this sounds kind of warped but my logic is this, the lesser time you spend on the road, the lesser the chances of you getting into an accident. That translates you into going fast. But then, there will always be the whitebikerboys trying to catch you for speeding saying that it's dangerous and all. Well, truth be told, they too ride fast when they're off duty. So it's kind of ironic isn't it? The best crooks in the world are those who are actually enforcing the law.

But then, with great speed comes great responsibility. This being that if you have absolutely no skill for it, chances of you wiping out is a definite! And plus, this only applies for bikes, cars, lorries and other vehicles do no apply here! Bikes are always at the losing end of things so some flexibility in the law should be exercised here. Period!

Anyway, it's been 4 days after the operation and I think I'm getting the hang of things. With crutches and all, the easy things becomes hard, the hard things becomes impossible. Even showering is a chore now. But thank god for almighty painkillers, I am able to get through my day smoothly. In this condition, the rain has officially become my enemy as wet surfaces could only mean I would definitely slip and that is something I wouldn't want to experience- especially in the disabled state that I am in.

Well, work can only pile up and medication can only make me drowsy. Maybe I should be asking for extensions. We will see how it goes.

6 months to recovery and I am only in the 4th day of the first month. Hurrah!

Livin' on a prayer

Dear god,

What is that you really want of me? You've been giving me one misfortune after another. It's been so many years now. Couldn't you just give me a break for once? I mean, if there's something that I really have to do in order for all that nonsense to stop, tell me and I'll fulfill it.

As if the great misfortune that you have given me which will leave me permanently disabled to a great extent isn't enough, you've been slowly rolling them out to me. I've been taught before that you put people through this as a test. Fair enough..but how do i pass? My future, the one that I have been dreaming about right now is certainly gone. Right now, all I can have is just a life of contentment. Then again, isn't that the life of mediocrity? I know you know me and by that I don't like to get by by just doing enough. I want to do more. To a certain extent that is selfish of me but you know me the best so you know why I want to do all those.

Are there many more to come? Could I be given any signs of warning please? You've been pushing me past my breaking point so many times already. But then, with what little fight I have within me, I've stood up against. Are you trying to prepare me for something? If so, what is it?

Give me a sign...now please.

Over My Head

Another night in school. It seems like I can only be productive late into the night. Well, I suppose that getting a place in hall for the last two semesters of my miserable undergraduate life can only be convenient. Although..the new definition of convenient does bug me a lot. In case you don't know, look at the root word being "con" which can only mean that its bluffing you to think that everything is easy when on the hindsight, it's a lot harder than you can only imagine. I love the new definition of convenient. Well, I suppose this goes for a lot of words which starts with c-o-n.

Why am I saying so? Well, I'd have to part with at least $200 more every month on top of the current expenditures that I have to budget myself to. Bike, bills and soon, recovery products. But money can always be earned somehow somewhere.

Speaking of which, I somehow experienced an epiphany yesterday whilst walking to Mcdonalds to get myself an Orea Mcflurry. Yum Yum! So yeah, I realized maybe what I actually want to be is a philanthropist. How I'm going to get there is a different story altogether because as of this moment I still am pretty much clueless about it. Perhaps, the lawyer thing might work? Then I might just be a corporate lawyer or something like that so that I can screw the rich of their money and then give it to the poor. Serves them right for not knowing how to share. Kind of like a modern day Robin Hood. I wonder if any of those still exist today.

As a kid, I've had a lot of heroes that I look up to. From those coming from fairy tales, to cartoons, kid shows (neither The Tellytubbies nor Barney or anything stupid made it into my list) and also actual live people have become my hero. Ghandi, I'm sorry, what you did was amazing, but you just didn't make it. Why? Well, you got shot! I don't want to get shot. It sucks and it hurts like hell. Don't ask me how I know this but yeah...it burnsssssssssssss!!

I guess I'm back to writing grammatically incorrect but who cares? Well, if I didn't I wouldn't have said such a thing right? And so the chicken and the egg question comes to mind. Who came first? Not me.

Maybe someday, somehow, someone or something might provide me with the guidance that I need to fulfill this dream of mind. Right now, it all seems like one big fantasy. Hopefully, I'll get there.

There is no delight in owning anything unshared

Tell Me I'm A Wreck

The days have been passing past me rather quickly. Everything has been touch n' go for me. Haven't really had the time to actually sit down and absorb everything properly. Well, the break from having no training session has provided me with some respite to get some work done. Alas.....

I can still vividly remember the incident at North Vista when I was just about the ride off. This 10 year old kid, who can't decide to either call me coach, Mr.Fadzil or cher, tried to scare me by telling me videos of motorbike accidents he saw on YouTube. To top that, he just laughed his way out of the school gate after I asked him if he was trying to scare me! He even had the nerve to say yes. Well done kids!

Wow, didn't realize how old it made me feel just to say that! On another note, kids at my Mendaki class kept saying how I'd look like someone they knew or have seen before. So far, I have been compared to their past teacher, their uncle, grandfather, a cleaner, a hawker and even some banglah. Just last weekend, they kept insisting that I was a drug addict just because I didn't shave and was very sleep deprived. I'm just thankful they haven't associated me to some feminine figures in their lives just yet. Maybe they eventually will since they're running low on the male figures.

Well, just last week, I had to make one of the hardest decision in my life thus far. One of the hardest meaning there might be a few others just that this one is just as comparable as the others. Try telling half the team that they most likely won't be playing this season. Doesn't sound too hard does it? Well, killing someone's hope is worst than to kill them outrightly. I actually saw the fire in their eyes go out. But I guess there's always a way to work around the system. We will see how it goes.

Well, it was truly disappoint that it was this sunny yesterday. Else, I would have gotten awesome shots of magic hour at my secret spot. Guess, I just have to be contented with the ones I have gotten so far.

I guess you never knew me at all

Life stories

Reading past entries from my own blog has been somewhat nostalgic. From an 18 year old who worked in Delifrance while waiting to enlistment, to 2 awesome years of my life, my first 2 years of undergraduate life till now. All that stories have been quite a memory as I journey in life.

All my other posts have been about things that are too abstract for me to even comprehend and write them out even logically. So now, I'm going to give an update on myself for the past 2 months of this year.

I've recently took up a coaching assignment at some primary school. Thinking it was somewhere in Woodlands, I gleefully accepted it thinking its one of those rugby schools. Only to my horror, North Vista isn't in Woodlands after all! Damn...and to think it was since Northbrooks and North View are all in the vicinity. What a bummer! So yes, once a week, I have to vroom vroom all the way to Sengkang just to conduct an hour and a half session of rugby to kids who only care about if they can go to the canteen to buy drinks during their water breaks.

Another big issue which I have been incessantly talking about is this knee injury. In the first few days of getting it, walking alone is a momentous event! Right now, I can walk fine with a bit of pain every now and then. Running is still a no-go for me because the last time I tried, I just collapsed under my own weight. Mind you, I've since lost 4kg after the injury. Well, 4kg worth of muscles lost only to be compensated by an ever growing tummy. Soon, I'll be one prepared rider who carries a spare tire around me so I'll never have to worry if my bike's tire ever go bust.

Assignments have been piling up as they should be. It is my third year after all and taking 2 400-level modules certainly is a drain to all my mojos. In order to add salt to the injury, having people in my group who certainly does not know how to contribute is certainly a pain in the ass. I have never knew anyone who could be so despised so much. To think that I've already found that out a couple of years back was simply too quick for me. I should have just waited. Well, this could only extend my shit list. If I was some triad boss or something, this shit list will get its weekly cleansing.

The Quad-University season is going to start this coming week. The only sad thing about it is that I don't get to play it for the last time with people I've been playing with for the last 2 years of my University rugby life. Before this, I've never ever got the chance to play with such awesome players. It's just very sad that I have to sit out this year. Well, let's see what the MRI will show this Tuesday. Soon, Project Awesome will commence as soon as I've gone through with the surgery. Recovering is going to be a bitch as I have to relearn how to walk. But who knows? I might be able to run much faster after this. Life has a funny way of showing you how things will eventually turn out for the better. Let's see that theory put to work.

Be careful when reading health books; you may die of a misprint

Even after all these years, I have yet to figure out this question.

"Why do we fight?"

With just a few more hours till the stroke of midnight, I begin to wonder the notion of love. What is love? Is it an emotion? Is it some sort of a theory? Is it something we create to justify certain acts that we carry out?

Perhaps, a joke to sort of lighten the moment here might help...
Q: What does "making love" mean?
A: It is something a woman does while a guy is fucking her.

I did say perhaps and sort of didn't I?

Jokes aside, love has been the limelight in our existence in this world. Without hate, there can be no love. Without love there can be no hate in this world. Opposites exists and the only thing that we can do about it's existence is not to just deal with it but to embrace it. Only by embracing it can we truly understand the power of such a concept/notion/theory. After all, how many times have us men heard this line," Women- can't live without them, can't live with them either"? It's been repeated over and over again- made cheesy by all forms of entertainment.

Wars have been fought for such a notion. At the same time, all forms of violence have also been resolved when all forms of amnesty have been exhausted only to be replaced by the notion of love. World War 1, World War 2, Cold War and all other wars ancient to us were fought because of this thing called love or the lack of it. That statement is arguable. Even amidst any clashing, there is love going on. It is found in the form of continuum of which many of us can only identify as the lacking of love. We fail to see the hindsight of it all that violence is possibly love on the hindsight of things. Here, I cannot fail to express myself in the only way that why being a solider(of some sort) means a lot to me. It comes in the form of this, "People sleep peaceably at night because rough men stand ready to do violence on their behalf".

Right now, you must be thinking, "How is this suitable for the 14th of February?!" Well, since we ARE celebrating valentine's day, let's recap why we are.
1) St Valentine died on this day.
2) He died a martyr.
3) It is a celebration of love in its highest form- sacrifice.

So right here, sacrifice is what we are really celebrating. Not a day goes by without us doing something and not having to lose something else just to do that. Truth is, we are limited in all that we do. Economists have long identified the idea of scarcity. Right now, the only resource all of us equally have would be time. However, that too has it's own form of scarcity. Time spent working meaning time lost with your love ones. Time spent with your love ones meaning time lost for doing things that you love...unless of course you share the same interests with your love ones.

I am going all over the place with this one. Many of you would agree that I barely touch on something before going onto something else. But I am sure you do get a picture of this? No? Well, too bad because all I want to do here is to engage your thoughts....and I have a major assignment to finish by tonight.

Perhaps I will write again here once I have some more time or maybe a face-to-face conversation would do some good. Spontaneity is the mother of all mothers after all. But for now, I shall leave with something which I find highly relevant to celebrate this very day.

Jim's Dad: Why do you think, uh, Michelle, they call it "making love"?
Michelle: I don't know. I just call it "boning".
Jim's Dad: Boning? Well, when-when you're doing other things with Jim, when you're not... um... boning, how does he make you feel?
Michelle: Horny, like I wanna bone.
Jim's Dad: But-but, we can't be boning from sunrise to sunset, dear.
Michelle: Oh, you've never tried it?
Jim's Dad: I certainly have. I have. I've boned... from sunrise, uh, right through brunch on more than one occasion.

It is somehow incomplete here. Couldn't find the rest of it but I think it finishes of something like this...

You make love because you have to make love work...

And so I've officially turned 24. I wonder if there's anything worth mentioning about the past 24 years of my life. No, I'm not being emo about anything here. But if there's anything worth mentioning about the past 24 years, it'd be the people that I'm surrounded with, the ones who I've met along the way. If I was to relive the last 24 years of my life, those people would be damn worth it to cross paths into once more. If I was to do everything again, I'd be more than happy to bump into them anytime.

I can't believe school's still showing some kind of life at this hour. I am not sure if a couple looking at a laptop screen considers as studying but they are here anyway.

Well, the knee is not getting any better. With the help of a knee guard, everything seems fine. But when I do take it off, reality sets in. NUH isn't helping much either with an MRI appointment being so godddamn far away. I should probably give them a call soon and probably ask for a change of hospital if they are not going to speed things up. But then, I procrastinate.

Seeing how my team is in dire need of my skills and not being able to do anything about it is definitely the epitome of helplessness. I hate feeling helpless. Its the kind of feeling you get when you know that you definitely have the necessary to do something about it but then, there's just his one whole mountain of an obstacle that's preventing you to do that. Your heart sinks whenever that happens. And right now, that mountain happens to be my knee. Though it doesn't hurt as much anymore(probably because the swelling has gone down significantly), it does feel week, hollow even. An attempt to jog a little just so that I can get across the field faster a couple of days back provided with enough justification that my ligaments have indeed been torn. I need an operation quick! The quicker it's done, the sooner my recovery process can begin. Damn hospital!

Stoning away in front of the laptop, I was suddenly reminded of an incident which happened sometime last month. I accompanied the girlfriend for a threading session at Yishun after a session of lousy sushi for lunch. It was so lousy, it should be called shishi instead of sushi! Anyway, seeing that the place was rather crowded inside with the threaders(is that what they're called?) busy attending to other customers, we had to wait outside with me cursing under my breath because it only meant that I couldn't sneak away for a puff. Me being the potty mouth decided to make unnecessary remarks about the people inside. They ranged from how- this lady cut cue because she just entered the place even though we thought we had sort of formed a queue by sitting at the benches outside the place- to- me asking why is there a fat man inside getting his brows done only to be told that it was actually a lady...a fat one to add. I even made fun of the threaders because of how their head movement was like when they were doing the threading and promptly labelled them as nu-skul headbangers because they were constantly rocking their head backwards instead of the traditional forwards. This of course, was under the muted sound of my breath.

After more than 10 minutes of my pleasant running commentary, I was told that they could hear me of which I curtly rebutted seeing how the place was airconditioned which meant the place was sealed up. After another 5 minutes (perhaps more) of my commentary, I finally realized why I could feel the aircon from where I was sitting...I spotted a huge gap between the glass door and the glass see-through panel! Of which, she just laughed at me and went it. She came out less than 5 minutes later (just 2 puffs later to add to that) telling me how she had to profusely apologize for my kind words after she was told, "Oh! Your boyfriend is making fun of us is it?" Well, besides the angry stares that she got from the other customers (out of whom I was told that I insulted but honestly, I was just making factual comments), she actually got to go before the lady who "cut the queue". Well, maybe that's because when she entered the place, a big, "EH! Why is she cutting the queue? Can't she see that you're queuing up??"

I am beginning to think that behind all that embarrassment one can get just being around me, there are benefits as well. But, it's just me justifying myself.

Never say anything to hurt anyone.
I was always told not to lie (:

A trip to see a specialist only confirmed the worst. There is indeed a tear in the ACL and possible the meniscus as well. This means that I can't pivot my right leg without it hurting like hell and I can't fully bend my knee thus that limited range of motion.

How fucked up can things get? Well, 2011 is an odd year. It's supposed to be a good year. How did it start? It started with non-stop raining and now this. 2 negatives are supposed to make a positive. Let's see the outcome of all this. Probably they'd turn me into a cyborg or something. But that's is just fictional nonsense; ones you can probably find on Cartoon Network or Disney Channel. Nickalodean is safe because it's Spongebob's home.

I can't believe I am turning 24 in a few days time. I feel so old already. The fact that I am limping around right now is kinda rubbing some salt into the wound. Girlfriend is planning something big. I can smell it! But being the easy-going person I am (that's how the doctor characterized me), I shall go with the flow.

Watching TV a couple of days ago, I struggled at the fact that I can never go back to being 14, 17 or even 19. Those were the best years of my life thus far. And this reminded me of something from the Movie: Radio Flyer. I bet nobody really knows that such a movie exists. But something that really struck a chord with me are the seven lost secret fascinations and abilities as we grow older.

1) Animals can talk
2) Your favorite blanket is woven from a fabric so mighty, that once pulled over your head, it becomes an impenetrable force
3) Nothing is too heavy to life with the aid of your cape
4) Your hand, held forefinger out and thump up, actually fires bullets
5) Jumping from any height with an umbrella is completely safe
6) Monsters exist and can be both seen and done battle with
7) Most special and regrettable loss of all: The ability to fly

(RADIO FLYER, 1992)

The start of the semester wasn't exactly what I've envisaged. As if having it pouring all week long wasn't enough God decided that I needed another punishment. The rain meant that friendly matches that I've co-organized had to be cancelled causing frustration to both parties. Not only that, it frustrated me further to know that I am not able to hold training sessions which means that whatever progress that I was looking forward to has been impeded. Right now, I have very little faith in my own judgement thanks to forces that are beyond my control. Oxymoron much? Perhaps. But that's because I've lived my life with the principle that everything can be controlled. Well, external forces, ones far more powerful that I am or will ever be have other plans in mind.

To add to this misery, I just had to sustain a knee injury during a game for my club. The whole thing happened in a blink of an eye. Heavy guy fell down on my leg in a position that is far too awkward for any ligaments or tendon to stay undamaged. Thankfully, me screaming at the top of my lung stopped everyone in their tracks for if they didn't, I was certain that I would have been trampled upon by guys who are of more than 100kg in weight individually. I didn't dare to look down to see what had happened to my leg for fear of seeing that it has been detached or even a fracture. I've overly dramatize the whole situation but that was what ran through my mind at that time..thinking of the worst that could have happened. Thankfully, everything is intact- superficially that is. All I felt was this numbing sensation that ,thankfully, God has built our bodies to be of certain manner when faced with such situations.

Right now, all I can do is to limp my way around with the help of powerful painkillers. Sleeping on the night I've sustained that injury was a sleepless one as when I turned it my sleep, I would be awakened by the sudden sheer pain. Trying to fall asleep in such a weird and conformable position was particularly hard. If it wasn't for the drowsiness that came with the medications, that night would have been a sleepless one.

Till now, I still have no idea the extent of this injury. All I know is that there is no fracture as confirmed by an X-Ray test earlier. Thankfully, Fahmy managed to slot me in for an appointment with his sports physician tomorrow. Else, I would have to wait till the 21st of March just to get an Orthopedics specialist's assessment. By then, any chance of me recovering just in time for the Quad-Unis would be nothing but just a wish.

I've no regrets about what happened last Saturday. Whatever happened was probably meant to happen anyway. All I can do right now is to look forward and recover the best I can. No point crying of spilled milk and it is certainly pointless to feel sorry for myself. I have a lot of people doing that for me already. My contribution to that department is unnecessary. I'm going to hope for the best and expect the worse from here on out.

As I lay in bed while waiting for the medication to take it's effect on me, I can't help but to wonder about how nice the past week has been for me. 2011 looks kinda good right now. Found a couple of new things to do; ones that I would have never thought I would actually do 10 years ago.

In a few days time, I'd be turning 24. I can't believe I'm actually going to be so old. I've had moments where I would literally stare into space during tuitions and I'd wonder what life has been for me so far for the past 23 years. Honestly, I can recollect anything more than 5 years ago without any difficulty. Guess I've been doing a lot lately.

Honestly, I was never a bike person. If you asked the 18 year old me, I would have told you that I just can't see myself riding. Driving yes but riding was definitly out of the picture. I still don't know what motivated me to pick up riding lessons but I did and 6 months later I was zipping around on my trusty Kawasaki. I can never forget the feeling of riding my own bike for the very first time. It was absolute freedom!

I can never see myself not having a bike. Despite people telling me how dangerous it is and all, I shall never give it up. I dare say it's the perfect substitute for flying. Unless you're flying off the bike that is...that's a different story altogether. So every now and then, I'd load up my iPod with whatever techno/club/trance/whateveritscalledbecauseicantreallybebotheredaboutit music and ride the Malaysian roads in the dead of the night. It's the kind of feeling that one gets when playing need for speed or burnout or midnight club. It's the exact replica! Except that when you total your ride, you are done for!

The girlfriend doesn't quite trust my riding skills though. This is the guy who got into an accident inside a carpark while doing something really stupid. Can't believe I spent that national day in the hospital. But a few days back, I got screamed at by the dear pillion by pulling a fast corner over some allegedly sandy part of the road near the barrage. This is the exact same guy who countersteered his way out of a skid. Ok...I know it sounds as though I am boasting or gloating here but i'm not. Really! All I'm saying is that I THE safest rider ever! I have this phenomenal gift of intuition along with a sharp mind to do an AOS in a matter of seconds. Ok, now I'm gloating. So sue me already.

In another part of the world, this captaincy gig is really taking a toll on me. I wish I could be that kind of person who could just move along if people wouldn't get on with the program. Instead, I am the neverleaveanymenbehind kind of person. Bummer! It's really draining on me just to gather up the full team for a proper session. The quad-Unis are just a month away and the attitde that I am getting is absolutely disheartening. God, if yours listening to me, I am really praying for a miracle here. Let's hope the game against acjc this Wednesday afternoon will be a good one. I am praying hard here.

I used to be a soldier who never loses his composure

I have never felt so tired in my life before. Well, that's just an exageration but I know that you know what I mean. It's been 6 days of pure intense rugby consisting of trainings from Monday till Thursday followed by a friendly match with the school team on Friday and a club match on Saturday. The latter's result had to be voided as the game was cancelled halfway through thanks (but no thanks) to the rain. All I got from that game was a bruised ego along with a bruised shoulder, a bump on the head, a knocked up knee and along with an extremely sore body. This isn't Sunday anymore, it's SOREday.

As if that isn't enough, work is also wearing down. 2 sessions of tuitioning today, one sessions of MTS yesterday and also Pizza delivery yesterday and later in the evenings. Come Wednesday, it'll be another sessions of MTS at my old secondary school in the evening. Soon, I'll have another coaching assignment in some school which I only hearing it's name for the first time. If you find these all very overwhelming, you're probably right- it IS! All I can say is that I am going through hell for a little piece of heaven. Hope that small little piece won't disappoint.

How my life is like right now mirrors everyone- albeit in a rather different way. We spend our lives going through hell just for that little piece of heaven which most of us calls retirement. Sadly, most of us will never get there. Bright side of it all is that we won't have to suffer the ails of old age. Well, at least that's what some of us prefer anyway. We can never truly do what we want to do in our lives. We are often tied down with nonsense such as responsibilities, obligations, mortgages, debts, bla bla bla. The list goes on. ITS NEVER ENDING!!!

It's sickening how we think how blessed we are when all we get is pummelled upon by things we need to do. The ratio of us getting pummelled by that versus getting levitated by things that we really want to do is dissapointing. So at the end of the day, all of us are living a lie.

I realize how pessimistic and morbid this all sounds. But then, not everyone can actually handle the truth. People can even get killed or detained for trying to show some light on things. So I am back to square one- what is the meaning of life?

If you have yet to watch Scott Pilgrim VS the World...well...you should. Life's a game. Play it well.

Watching Friday Night Lights again (the movie not the TV series), has instilled something within me. Something really important. Perhaps, I shall part you all with a quote from that movie that has really moved me to do something. Something about being perfect. Because being perfect means...

Being perfect is not about that scoreboard out there. It's not about winning. It's about you and your relationship with yourself, your family and your friends. Being perfect is about being able to look your friends in the eye and know that you didnt let them down because you told them the truth. And that truth is you did everything you could. There wasnt one more thing you could've done. Can you live in that moment as best you can, with clear eyes, and love in your heart, with joy in your heart? If you can do that gentleman - you're perfect!


For my team, I need to be perfect. Somehow, it has got to work...

Spending the last 3 days of working has been really tiring. But nevertheless, with the company I'm having there, I did not regret working over the new year. Plus, I get paid just to sit inside the store when there's nothing to do but to eat, drink and basically hang out. What's there not to like.

Riding around, I have thought about the kind of jobs that I've had over the past years. Come to think of it, it's really quite a list. Because I have nothing better to do but to sit in front of the computer as I decide whether I should head to the gym or not, I think I'm going to list the jobs that I've worked as.

Grocery Store Helper (2001)
It was near Hari Raya and my dad's friend needed help at this store. So why not?

Door Salesman (2003)
Worst job in the world to take on especially when the "O" levels are just around the corner. Earned nothing from that damn job.

Construction Worker (2003)
My neighbor asked. I agreed. Spent a couple of days in the sewers. Awesome job!

Security Officer (2004)
Shitty job with shitty pay. Didn't know why I took it in the first place. Worked there for 11 days straight without any days off before I decided to quite because of the next job (:

Technician- Repairing TVs (2004-2005)
BEST JOB ION THE WORLD!! Basically, just travelling around the area and servicing people's tv.

Packer (2004)
Just packing stuff.

Waiter (2005-2006)
Talking to strangers have never been more interesting. Spilled soup all over the tray en route to the table on the first day.

Army (2006-2008)
Need I say more? Well, that was a "hump" where I didn't work but got paid to run, shoot, shout and fly around the world.

Relief Teacher (2008)
I basically get to screw around kids' minds and getting paid quite a bit for it.

Tutor (Present)
Easy money. Easy job.

Pizza Delivery (Present)
Shitty money. But I basically get to race around town on a Wave and the tips are like Katy Perry's Hot & Cold.

This didn't turn out to be as awesome as I thought it would be. Maybe I should get back to this when I have more ideas.