I'm looking to the sky to save me

I once got into somebody's bad books for trying to spell out a logic which can only be deemed as warped to many. In short, I was misunderstood. We have all been there and the guilt never quite wears off- this is despite the fact that we meant well. Kinda feels like Hancock sometimes- the (possibly) greatest anti-hero of all time.

Most of the time, without stopping to explore further of what I am trying to say, people would stop short and label me as mean. To a great extent, I never mince my words for niceties or even political correctness. There's a Malay proverb which (when roughly translated according to my horrible Malay) goes, "Because of mouth, the body suffers". Ever since picking up a variety of martial arts, the only way this body has ever suffered is because I made it so- with the exception of the ACL tear. Lifting weights has only doubled the chances of anyone ever thinking of beating me up for what I say.

But I guess being human also means that I can be quick to judge as well. For instance- I have always stereotyped being fat as a result of being lazy. That is true because I am suffering from that too. I do make an effort though- it won't be long till I lose this muffin top of mine and get back to how I previously was. But I guess there's way too many people who's out to prove that I am actually right because despite being fat, they don't really bother about it. Doing the bare minimum is never enough. That's one of the biggest takes that the army has ever taught me- I actually had people under my charge who would suffer if I just tried to skim through. Back from the deviation, I would always equate being fat to being lazy because it's simply too bullshity for people to say that they have big bones. I mean, dinosaurs have big bones. Heavy too! So unless you're calling yourself a dinosaur, you better do something about it lest you'd be extinct as well.

I have really deviated from what I really want to talk about. Then again, my mind is a flurry of thoughts. I think I have mentioned this before: whatever I write looks just like an episode of The Simpsons because the ending is totally unrelated to how I begun. My mind is the most active whenever I am on my bike. Somehow, I manage to switch to autopilot mode and just ride through traffic no matter how heavy it is. Somehow, I am at my calmest then. Sometimes, I'd even have to take a longer route just because I miss an exit or a turn. I should really mount a microphone and speak my mind. Who knows, I might actually not recognize that it was me saying that or to even think of saying something like that. But I guess it'd be better if somehow, there's a device that translates my thoughts into writing. At least I could edit that.

Ok! Back to what I was talking about. While what I say might sound mean, I really am not! I might just be speaking my mind- not the whole of it but enough to sputter something out which, to many, is actually mean. I guess that is courage. To say what you think and to do what you believe despite what others might think of you. At the end of the day, it doesn't really matter who's right because you can be the most morally righteous creature to ever walk this planet but if you don't act on it or even speak to anyone about it, then it doesn't exist. This is kind of like the saying which goes, "If a tree fell in a forest and no one heard it, did it really fall?"

I guess having enemies might be a sign that I am actually doing what I am supposed to do. Half my men hate me just because I was trying to do my job. I have been labelled "seow-on" or "on-the-ball" but at least I am on the right ball. Besides that, well, there are those who think that I can actually be mean. But then again, you never really make fun of a fat person do you. I mean, if he is fat, then you wouldn't make fun of him being fat. You actually encourage him to lose all that fats. Well, for me, encouragement comes in the form of ridicule because igniting that inner monster in you to lose your fats is what I want to do. I don't want to become your nanny or babysitter or even your trainer and nag and pester you to lose that fats. The inertia is way to great and it'll just end up consuming me. I'd rather cause an explosion from within because that creates are far more greater driving force.

Then again, how did this end up becoming a topic about me talking about losing fats??

"You have enemies? Good! That means you've stood up for something, sometime in your life"- Winston Churchill

You've got this look that's that of an angel, it's such a bad disguise...

When does something ever get tiring for anyone? I suppose it differs from person to person and how much something means to someone. It is true that the thing maybe the greatest love for you but that does not mean that it never gets tiring. Afterall, there is time and effor that is being put into building it, shaping it and eventually treasuring it.

But sometimes, things just overwhelm us. We all get overwhelmed somewhere, somehow, sometime in life. That's the moment when you realize that shit just got serious. At that moment, we all need to go somewhere quiet to recuperate and more importantly to reorganize and sort shit out. That's the moment that we weigh whether that something is worth it all. We do value the worth of something differently. Somehow, we have to meet in the middle and see things through because at the end of the day, we never really quite know whether the regret will come from doing it or not to have done it at all.

That was how I have felt over the last couple of moments. But the realization came about when I thought that this is going to be my final semester and no matter how things turn out, I am going to make it worth all. The sweat, the tears, the pain- it willl all be worth all when I look back because having been out for an entire season made me realize that the regret will only be the result of not doing it. That regret is the greatest of them all since the though of "could have, should have, would have" will haunt us for an enternity.

But that will come at a sacrifice for now. In fact, that sacrifice has already been experienced seeing how my GPA has been steadily declined ever since I took over the team. Maybe that was due to a variety of factors but I am sure that my commitment has dealt the biggest blow to it. So I have a little bit more trouble getting a job. Well, I hope that somehow, someone would see my true value and give me an opportunity to exercise my capabilities. It's not to say that I am incompetent but I just do not really have a liking to what I am studying. I don't even know why I took up this degree. Some of my hallmates have commented how I sounded like I was approaching a mid-life crisis. Being the-guy-who-pretty-much-grows-up-quickly, I guess everything has been accelerated for me. So this comes to me as no surprise that I am actually already facing it.

It has long reached a point that I am actually supporting myself throughout my student years. Well, my parents do provide a life-line for me when it becomes really unbearable. But I suppose that it is fair to say that I haven't been able to enjoy my student life fully due to all the things that I have to do just to get by. Many possibly share this sentiment but when I look at all my uni friends and how blissful their life is with all the traveling and exposure to places far and foreign, I look at the walls of my well and think about how envious I am of all that. But I am contented. I am like that frog, only looking at the sky wondering how it is really like out there. At the same time though, I am not just sitting around and wonder. I am actually building up the strength and courage to eventually leap out of that well to see the world. Faith that I will eventually achieve that keeps me going strong. All that strength, courage as well as faith has to be mulitiplied many times over as I am in a really deep well. But I'll get out, somehow, someday.

I've got my finger on the trigger and you're in my way

Watching the first 2 episodes of Friends certainly brings me back to much simpler times. The series ran from 1994-2003. That's 10 years of my life which I spent growing up watching the show almost in a religious manner. Sure before I was 13 all I could was trying to understand what was actually being said but after that, I couldn't help but to be amused at all their antics.

It's strange though how quickly time has actually flew by. I still remember how it is when I was 7 and even though I am nearing a quarter of a century, I still remember being 7 rather vividly. Well, time has passed by too quickly. Yet, as we get older, all we ever do is to rush from place to place, hope that class will end sooner and whatnot. Wonder why people never got down to grasp the concept of just being in the moment really. It is at that moment where neither the past nor the future really matters. Money wise, that's the quickest way to go broke. But nevertheless, it's worth it all!

I wish that Pandora box never gets opened too much. Things right now are simply to delicate to just be discussed casually. I guess I am at a stage that every manner, every motion, every thought, ever word matters! I am being scrutinized! It comes to a stage that well, under a lot of pressure, I might just break. But I guess that doesn't really matter to many since everyone believes that I am unbreakable. Perhaps it's the way I portray myself. Then again, once you manage to access the inner child, all you end up seeing is someone who is pretty much very messed up. This is the kid whose parents never showed up for any of his matches or has shown an sign of support for his interests. Yeah, well, so I didn't join the NCC. Guess that must have been a very great disappointment to my dad. But then again, I found something which I truly love and have stuck with it ever since. I suppose, rugby has been the main constant in my life.

I can't help but to look out for any familiar face standing in the crowd whenever I play. I suppose this has been a learnt habit which I picked up ever since I played my first finals which my parents dismissed as something which was not important at all. So ever since then, I am always on the look out for any familiar face or faces because i'd only tell someone about a match if I care enough for their presence. But I am learning that my team on the field needs me more even if its for that short period of time because everyone simply goes their own separate ways afterwards. To me, if you don't show up, you don't care enough about what I care about.

Well, I guess that's enough self-pity for now. I really don't know what's going on with me. This sure sounds like a suicide note written by some 12 year old but oh wells, sometimes being incoherent can be rather therapeutic.

Hot Damn! Dingity Dang!

Many people have asked me as to why I smoke or why did I ever picked up smoking in the first place. For the longest time, i haven't been able to answer that question unless you consider the should shrugging as a sort of answer.

I still remember the first time I ever attempted smoking. It was still in army and well, few of the guys decided to hang out at Arab Street for some Shisha of which they wanted to bring me clubbing afterwards. Funny thing was, I was hanging out with army regulars. I guess I really caught their attention with the whole "interests" thing. Well long story short, that I was the first time I had a puff of anything smokey! It wasn't until a couple of months later that I tried smoking when I was in Taiwan. The first day I smoked, I finished an entire pack of Marlboro Reds. It's really a WTF moment for many as I had to resort to buying from ninja vans afterwards.

Fast forward to today, it was only in the recent months that I realize why I smoke. This realization only came about after the months that I did not smoke but only to go back to it for one reason. Because I was not happy. In fact, when I am feeling every other way except for happy, I smoke.

To be honest, I am very well aware of the dangers of smoking. It hurts, it kills- over a very long period of time. During a stint at a hospital during one of the vacations, I saw many of the devastating effects smoking can do to a person. Having a conversation for a patient can make him really tired as, well, his lungs basically were not functioning anymore. Seeing people die as a result of it is just as unnerving.

Smoking to me is because of something that happened. It calms my nerves down and whenever shitty times roll by, it just takes the edge off of things. Hence, after many months of not smoking, I picked it up again on my 22nd birthday since, well, things were rather shitty for me. It's for the very reason why smoking harms that I turned to a cigarette when, well, I am not happy. And yes, that's a lot of times that I have a reason to not not smoke.

I guess over time, some people, events, incidences have become a reason to smoke. It got to the point that I was hacking down a pack a day. Even getting shot in the knee wouldn't be as painful as that. But yes, for now, it does get me by. All there is for me not to smoke is one reason and one reason only- happiness.

We've got the beat, the bass, the melody...

It's almost 2 weeks into 2012 and only have I slowly begun to recover from the ordeal that I went through. Sure it might seem mild to many and nonsensical even! All that is slowly fading to black and I am right back on track.

Graduation is only 3-4 months away and my grades are nowhere near decent. In fact, many might find it horrendous and wonder what I have been doing for the past 7 semesters. Well, to list a few, it's been a struggle to juggle school, work(s), rugby and also relationships. While I might have failed in some department, I am certainly prevailing in others. In fact, I have even come back stronger in areas where I have failed.

I have never regretted any of the events that has happened in the past 7 semesters. In fact, I would gladly go through all of it again if given the chance. I do not understand why many of my peers are really looking forward to starting their careers. Don't any of them realize that this is the best part of life? Uni is the only time where you actually understand what is being taught because it is the only time where everyone is able to challenge the teacher. It is also the point in time where we are actually old enough to go wherever we want to with money and time constrains being the only obstacles. We can do whatever we want whenever we want. No adults are going to tell us that we can't do it.

I guess this is yet another stepping stone to the rest of our lives. I wonder what life would be like for me next year. Perhaps I would have gone on to do that Masters program. Perhaps I might be working. Who knows..time passes way to fast for us to be looking forward to the future so much to the point that we neglect the present.

Yesterday, I saw something on Tumblr ( I can't find it at this present time. Maybe if I can find it, I'll post it up) which goes something like,

"Do not forget that while we are growing up, our parents are growing old too.." 


That has always struck a chord in me. I have always wondered how life would be like without them. However I try to imagine, I simply cannot comprehend a life without them. They have been there for me all my life- no matter how I have treated them. I admit that I am not perfect but I do the best that I can. In fact, I can stress this enough especially to myself that once I have enough money, the first thing I want to do is to send them on the Hajj. That is the very least that I can do for them after all these while. Their love for me has been rather unconditional. If it wasn't for the 2 years that I spent in green, I wouldn't have realized it. Even if I had without the help of those two years, I wouldn't have been able to appreciate them as much as I do after that life changing experience.

Life isn't easy. Then again, compared to what? I have always likened myself to the SEAL's training maxim- The only easy day was yesterday. I don't know why I was such in a hurry to grow up. Now that I am sort of all grown up, I am trying to slow time as much as I can however I can. One of the things which I would like to make a tradition is Ubin. Those 6 days spent with friends just after our O levels was simply enjoyable. Then, time did not mean anything to us as we did whatever we wanted whenever we wanted with the exception of meals.

About a couple of Wednesdays ago, going back to that place simply brings back memories. Besides being able to pride in the fact that I know my way around the place extremely well, it is something of a ritual which I could use to find myself again. The almost non-existent presence of time is something of a tragedy elsewhere in Singapore as we move faster and faster as a society. This rat race that we have set on the moment we emerged from out mothers is somewhat an abomination of what we were meant to be. It is sad that we could now choose to forsake everything else for personal glory. It is just to bad that we can only realize what we have done only after we have done. Perhaps, just perhaps, people could use a little deductive reasoning before they step forth and embark on something. 

Oh my starry eyed surprise..

Watching Restrepo has given me a new perspective about the conflict that is middle east as well as what chaos is all about. It's like finding your way around in your room at night when the lights are off and you just don't know what you're looking for but you're there and there's nothing you can do about it because you don't know where is out or even where the light switch is. I guess that's how I have lived my whole life- minus being shot at (literally at least). That was also how I felt during the 3 weeks of being in green. I was just finding my way around; not knowing if I was doing the right thing or not (or even if I was doing enough). I guess that itself has left me scarred.

It seems like in a weekend's time, I'll be starting my final semester of school. Unless I decide to pursue the masters program, this is going to be the final semester of my life as a student. I guess after more than 16 years in school is starting to wear me out. But nobody can deny that these are the best years of anybody's life. I guess it's a common thing that everyone feels- they can't wait to grow up, to get out of school and start working. But when that happens, they actually do regret it and wished that they had the chance to get back to school. I guess I was really lucky to be able to experience this and yet still get back to school as I was able to work while waiting for my O/A level results as well as while waiting for Uni to start. Not to mention the slew of part-time jobs I have undertaken over the past few years that I was in uni.

This might also mean my last chance at rugby. I guess while this might not matter much to many, it matters a lot to me. Rugby has always been an integral part of my life ever since I was 13. That's more than 10 years ago ever since I picked it up. All of my friends have since moved on to other things. The only person who's still playing from the original team is me. I guess this is one of the best things in life despite the countless times that I have failed trials for the national team.

Well, tomorrow is sort of a big game for me. It's about the same time that I got injured last year and at the same venue as well. Not to mention the kick-off timing is going to be the same. I hope that after the final whistle, I'll still be able to walk back to my bike and ride back home instead of limping all the way to the taxi stand only to have to go through nine months of painful therapy as well as an operation which I woke up with the insatiable feeling of wanting to throw up.

Well, this is it. It matters more to me because this is a game which I am going to start. The last time such a thing happened was last year. The scars are still there- physical ones as well as mental ones. To be honest, I do dream about it from time to time- it being the whole incident which led to my right knee being in such a condition. This shit is permanent! Well, I guess I'll have to make do. Let's hope I make it through tomorrow.

My sacrifice..

You haven't really served your national service if you do not know what charlie mike means.

But none of them will ever love you the way I do It's me and you

Watching the Toy Story trilogy once over again reminds me of the time that has passed and how fast it has passed. I remember first watching it at the movies in 1995. I was only 8 then. It was one of those rare moments when my dad finally relented to the pestering of his three sons to bring them to the movies. Indeed, this is something I grew up to. The familiarity of Randy Newman's "You've got a friend in me" will stick with me through the years that is going to come; that along with Woody, Buzz Lightyear, Rex and the others.

I guess it's familiarity that brings us through our lives. It is the unknown that scares us the most even though we have no clue what it might do to us. Who knows, it might actually benefit us a whole lot more than the familiar. Which kind of showed throughout the trilogy- changes are constantly happening. It is only with change that we can grow. Sometimes we reminisce about the familiar. Memories of that will forever be by us. Changes will come by hard and fast. That's why I never really do care about the future. I mean I do plan, but not in the sense that I'd forsake what my present presents me.

Bask in the moments that you are in- be it in joy or in hardships. Life is meant to be lived once so be prudent about life's choices. That's what I've learnt from a cartoon. I guess, my mom's wrong about cartoon then- I do learn things.

I miss being a kid.

So fucking blow those words out the back of your head

It has been quite awhile since I am back in green. Long story short, it's taking quite a bit of effort to get used to it. The transition has only been made easy in the company of heroes. Even though it sounds as if I am exaggerating, each and every one of the sergeants in my company are indeed heroes. Even though our actions never get published, never get any attention or any recognition for that matter, it is through all those acts do everyone we care about sleep peaceably.

With me as an exception, nobody ever thought that being a soldier could possibly be a highlight of their lives. But we do pay the price. Injuries and illnesses are evidence of what we have sacrificed not for this country but for our love ones. They say that every military man who contribute will receive some sort of a burden after the leave the military. The greater the contribution, the greater the burden. Sadly, my company contributed the most and hence the price to pay has been great. So far, 2 of my men has already passed away ever since 2008. One was very hardworking, the other...well, he was hardworking in his own way.

I guess what makes the unit, or rather the company, are none other than the ones that have chevrons sewn on their sleeves. Till this day, what they have did over the period of 2 years still amazes me. What I did in those two years would put my current self to shame. Unfortunately, the uniform that I was issued in 2006 can barely fit. Thankfully, we are getting new ones soon. Hopefully, I'd get back to the shape I was in 5 years ago. Regrettably, I can only do so much with this knee. But we can only strive.

The past 2 days have proven to be something that each of us cherished- camaraderie. We have always had this bond since back in those days as our we all shared a common hatred- our superiors. Thankfully, that has carried us on smoothly into the current phase- it was as if we had never parted. I guess this is one of the reasons why I choose to stay in hall despite the fact that I stay only 10 minutes away from campus. Truth be told, I did have trouble sleeping on the night I ORD as for the first time in 2 years, I was sleeping all alone in my room. Well, one can never find the bond anywhere else in life other than the ones that you've build in those 2 years. Come tomorrow, all the time to catch up will be replaced by the millions of activities that we have to carry out. For me, the next two weeks will only mean 3 maybe 4 hours of sleep a night.

Well, here goes nothing...

and when I day dream, we're eating ice-cream

...Just smile and waves boys, just smile and wave...

Guess we made this far guess we're doing alright

The long weekend proved to be sort of refreshing for me. The 1 Star Kayaking course proved to be a change of pace for me. Well, it was something that I have wanted to do for quite sometime anyway. But as usual, there's always things that prevented me from doing so; nonetheless, coming up with excuses is rather tiring so after searching high and low for such a course, I found it, got some friends(who incidentally were also planning to do such a thing) to go with me. A darker shade later, I am now looking to do something else. Perhaps, with all that I learn, I will be Captain Awesome to my kids in the future.

But after Saturday's session, I really had to push myself to go for a game. The fact that we were playing the old birds from ASCi did not help at all. But what I saw upon arrival was really disappointing- incompetence in most of the players. But that is only unavoidable since most of them are new and they really look like they did not know how to play at all. Despite my constant screaming at them, they seem to be playing their own game- even screaming to a wall would yield better results than them because at least walls have echoes. That said, I managed to convey the message to the convener about me wanting to try out my luck at another club. I guess it is time for me to move. I have been with them since 2008. That's about 3 seasons with them.

It started out with bumping into an old coach at the gym who asked me to go along. I had only recently ORD-ed and my juniors have been egging me to go. So despite not having played any rugby for my 2 years in the army, I soon found myself travelling towards city hall to what I will still know as the greatest training ground ever- The Padang. Whats there not to like? The constant flow of curious onlookers proved to be some sort of a motivation for attention loving people like me. The night sky was brightly lit with neon lights from the CBD. The facilities were simply fantastic! But the best part of it all was the team- old coaches, old teammates (from school all the way to the national team) and of course future schoolmates and team mates (then in 2008).

Moving to another club does make me feel like I am betraying them. But I am getting old and I still need to feel like I am actually doing something there. One of the things that's on my bucket list is to actually play a televised rugby match. I will definitely retire after that with no regrets. Besides, there are simply too many memories with that club- some of which can make me feel rather melancholic. While all this might seem trivial to many, it is quite a big deal for me. Just like your trivial fascination with, I don't know, computer games? So yes, I do not know what the future holds for me but I am going into this with an open mind and an open heart. After all, that is the best way to survive anything and everything.

That said, guess life is really taking a different shape from what it was when I started university. It's about 6 more months till I actually graduate. I still dare to say that I am actually the first in the entire extended family to graduate (not counting the in-laws of course. But even so, the count remains at 1). But I am not to sure about what I want to be doing after I graduate. I do however know what I do not want to do so I guess that I have actually taken the first step. Now I have to translate that into a plan that might actually work! We will see how that works. Who knows, I might actually take up a masters instead. I'll be at the same school anyway except that this time around, it will be something that I actually wanted to study. Well, life beholds all things that even I cannot imagine at times. Open hearts and open minds it is then!

(insert samurai maxim here)

Take me by the tongue and I'll know you

It's almost the end of the semester and I am still not worried about the exams. It is my final year and as much as I hate for it all to end, I can't wait either. I guess it's a mixed feeling kind of thing. There has never been an instance where I had taken a break from everything and do whatever I want without having to worry about absolutely anything at all. By never, I really, literally not figuratively, mean never. Well, maybe almost never since I didn't have to worry about anything after my PSLE. Not even screwed up aggregates but who cares? I am where I am now no?

Well, with that exception, the only other time that I went on a holiday with my family was in 2010. Suffice to say, it was the wrong place to be with them as all my parents wanted to do was to nuah in the hotel room. Well, I could probably list out a whole lot of places that I have never been to but to list the place that I have actually been to would be so much easier since that list is ridiculously short.

Vacations aside, not a day goes by without me not having to worry about anything. Sometimes, I just feel like I am actually in over my head in all things- or drowning if you like. To make matters worse, it's not exactly drowning in water but in quicksand- the more I struggle, the more I sink. I was actually toying with the idea of taking a year off of school. But then, I was worried about getting a job and all that nonsense that I simply put it off. Nobody has a clue as to how tired I really am. But to just swing my arms in exasperation in "fuck this shit" style is simply not doing justice to myself. When forced to choose between fight or flight, 11 out of 10 times I would choose the former. And no, there is nothing wrong with the previous statement.

What I really crave for is a simply life out in the wilderness. On my many rides, I was actually thinking of actually staying with a nomadic tribe somewhere in some desert where my only concern is my own survival. It seems to me right now that I'd be better off in the Sahara than any other desert or perhaps just somewhere in the middle east because those people seems to have gotten their shit together. Language wise would be tough. Arabic is kind of hard for me. Trying to speak that language would really make me look like I've just escaped from some institution for the mentally retarded. As for French, which is commonly used in North Africa, well it's not any better; or worse for that matter. The only French I know is "salut" for hello, "au revoir" for goodbye, "poulet" for chicken and well...I know the French for "fucking shit".

Well, whatever the case, I seriously need a break. It's just been one thing after another. I haven't actually have the time to enjoy whatever I want to for various reasons. Well, having tons of money right now would really be great. I mean whoever said that money can't buy you happiness is probably some lonely rich old fag who doesn't know how to share.

Is that prove that love's not only blind but deaf

Last night got me reminded of this phrase that got conjured up in my sleep. It got to me enough for me to wake up immediately and recorded it down in my phone. Although my phone has been restored since (hence resulting me in losing all important information), I was lucky enough to have recorded it elsewhere.

We will always treasure the representatives of how each friendship begins and how it ensues. We will forever think about the friendships forged and when we think about what it was like before they were forged, we cringe.



The truth is, bridges will always be burnt. What matters is how it burnt; there are many variations to what caused it or what didn't. In fact, it also quite matter if we did anything about it- or the lack of it for that matter. So I have concluded that there are 3 things that will cause the burning of bridges: Time, Space and Effort. Out of the 3, time and space are the most objective value that we can actually control while effort is very subjective. Like houses, we tend to sell ourselves more than how others value us. Them manically depressed usually choose to go for the reverse but most of us are usually on the positive side of things.

We will always disappoint people in whatever we do. The only thing that we can do is not to keep disappoint the wrong ones. 

Your Ego's writing checks your Body can't cash

I got up and made my way to the door
and I dropped my conscience on the way out
I turned and I looked back down on the floor
But my conscience wasn't there anymore

So then I got to thinking...
Was it there in the first place?
Can you read it on my face?
Cause I just don't care anymore
And I just don't give a damn anymore

Why just take tonight?
Can we try to keep on riding through these?
To light our way through the night
just to see what we find

Told everyone I would try to get by
but I felt like I was wasting my time
I found my way this time.
So why should I try
To stay grounded when my head's in the sky

Then I got to thinking...
Will they miss me when i'm gone?
Will they leave the porch light on?
If I can't find home anymore
Or will I not have a home anymore?

Why just take tonight?
Can we try to keep on riding through these?
To light our way through the night
just to see what we find

When we go,
We'll just live our lives by rocky roads
And our eyes got to second place brides?
Cause I'm feeling lucky tonight?

And I'll just stick stick stick to the things I know
If you'll just quit quit quit quit buggin' me about it baby

And you'll tell me that i'm missing out
Cause I don't give a damn anymore

Its the last night in my body..

After going through lectures in crisis stress management I am pretty much convinced that I am pretty much fucked up inside-out. Though it might not seem much to others, trivial even, I haven't been given the opportunity to "recover" from any of my "crisis". All I get when I try to open up is rejection. Case in point- 2 break ups in the span of 2 years. One is already a mother to be while the other...well...I have no idea about the other. I guess things a better for them this way.

Having parents which are virtually unsupportive of the things that I do doesn't help. Not that I am being petty but I suppose it is pretty much justifiable to say that I am truly disappointed that they have never attended a single match in my life before, especially when I am playing in the finals. It might not seem much to many but having your folks, the people you really want to impress, being there to support their child in what seems like the scariest moment of his life does provide a dynamic range of comfort to him. So far, I have only won 1 out of 3 finals. In 2001, they were too busy to be there. This was an exception to my brothers whom have so far quit on what they (being my parents) thought they were good at. Sure the now-fatass brother was a good runner. But it doesn't seem ridiculous that they actually attended him running a cross country race at McRitchie- intra-school style. As for the young brat who gets everything that he wants, they were simply there even for his training sessions for silat. For me, I have met stiff resistance in rugby. They even refused to buy me boots. After much pestering, I paid half the price for the pair of boots which lasted me for 3 good years. For someone who receives very little allowance as a teenager, that is in fact a feat. After that, it was just me getting what I need to service my passion.

Losing a match is a big deal- because it was the fucking finals! Yet, they never seem to care much even if I won. Being 14 and winning a medal means a lot to any kid. But to come home all smiles and receive just an "ok" after showing it off is devastating for any kid. At 18, i couldnt give a fuck about how they were to respond to my lost because they never did know that I lost the finals- they never even knew I was at a match. I had given up all hopes of them ever supporting me there. Even trials for the national team were met with stiff resistance. It got even stiffer when I chose national rugby over national silat because it was a "disappointing" decision that I have made.

So...long story short, basically everything is kept inside. But one fine day, all this steam is just going to burst and shoot through the heavens even stronger than when the people of pompeii suffered what is now know in history as the biggest fuck ups that any civilization has ever faced. Life after that is simply a series of rolling punches. 2 break ups because I was simply not supposed to show my resentment to anything is enough of an evidence.

because if you care enough about someone, you'd drop everything at the moment when they need someone the most

On with the show..

Being awake at 1am doing school work when I have to be at the office before 8 in the morning kinda pushes things. But it'll have to do right now. Balancing things out is kind of hard especially when you're in between a rock and a hard place. Thankfully, I enjoy what I am doing now. Not sure if my body agrees with me.

So the verdict is out- for the umpteenth time, the SAF has rejected me again. Apparently, I do not qualify as an officer on levels that I do not know of. I've been talking to a lot of people and they generally agree with me. After all, how hard is it to be an infantry officer? I mean, I enjoy having chevrons on my shoulders. It bears just as much responsibility as bars do. But the level of contribution that I can make, or the weight of my words, varies by a lot as having bars means there's a lot more weight to it than having chevrons. Honestly, I think I can just be as committed by having chevrons. But I stand to lose a lot seeing how I'll be graduating with honors this coming June. I do not see why they are unable to look past one fuckup that I have committed during my two years. I mean, if you were to ask me if I regretted it then honestly no. Things turned out to be just as great for me then. But if you were to ask me if things could be better then yes! Things can always be better. That's how I feel about everything. I guess that explains my demanding nature- things can always be better.

That trait however borders on the feeding of greed and gluttony. Even though it does lean towards the positive side at times, there's always a dark side to everything. For me, it's more than just my skin tone- I have the ability and competency to fuck things up very well in an instance for anything and anyone other than myself. I guess that explanation for my dark side should suffice for now.

Putting things into perspective- especially chronologically as well as logically- is one of the biggest trait that I have. Time is everything to me because it runs out immediately. But over the past few weeks, I have been able to sort information out through presumptions and memory. Yes, my memory functions extremely well in conditions that I do not need it to be. It usually fails when I need it the most. But I have finally figured things out and realize that it was right of me to be suspicious there and then. It's not that I do not trust but simply wasn't given enough of a reason to do so. I admit it, it does take a lot for me to trust someone. For those who enjoy my complete and utter trust it is because I know that you are competent enough to sustain yourself without me having to intervene. Independence is a really big turn on for me. Without it, you are just another dependent and henceforth my trust falters.

It's kind of like how I am right now. I do not trust my instincts or gut feelings as well as I used to. I used to be an ace at assessing situations or appreciation of situations by merely basing it on gut feelings. I didn't need a map to lead an entire unit of men towards the objectives. I simply relied on my gut. True that such a thing are ever so doubtful so I went on ahead and proved to everyone that it does work after all. But as of this moment, education as well as further interaction has eroded that trust in my guts. However, that does have it's perks as besides having my eyes as well as my heart opened wider now, I usually end up with a better deal. I guess that's how the past 3 or so years have benefited me. Now all I have to do is to pay it forward, just like I always like to.

But to trust you must confess- not just through your words but through your actions as well. If what you say about what you do and about when you do it does not contradict each other, there is no room for distrust. Alas, what you say, what you do and what you say about what you do are totally different things. Pattern does help a lot. Human beings are creatures of habit after all. The one habit that I picked up in 2006 is still being sustained by this fact. The reverse could be a habit as well but only with a given reason. It just so typical of me to be doing something for someone. I do realize that if I were to be doing something for myself would have a far greater impact but it's simply in my nature to be in service of others. Sometimes, it does border on the effect of being a monkey wrench. Having people other than myself to keep that in check for me really helps. But people can only be around for so long. Eventually, everyone fades away- if it's not to death, there will always be something. The top of that "something" list would be Murphy's Law.

It's really getting late now and I really need to get to bed. But, I somehow can shake this feeling that time is passing by ever so quicker as I age. That feeling is somehow agitating me.

you stole my heart but I had it first

Today's opportunity was definitely mine to lose. If I had the opportunity to do it all over again, I would do it very differently. I guess this happens when I over-think things. Then again, I really do not mind the opportunity to serve in the Special Forces community as a sergeant. Given that I would now be a Staff Sergeant by now if I had signed that paper 5 years ago (and a Warrant Officer before I am 28), I guess if I do take up that scheme, would give me a comfortable life. But on top of that, there is much pride in being among the elites. But given the choice, I would definitely strive to being an officer because I strongly believe that I would be able to contribute more effectively as one.

If given the chance again, this is how I would have done the interview...


So tell me something about yourself.
.....................................................................

Tell me something about your army life...your time as an NSF..
.......................................


Why do you want to join us?
Have you ever heard of this phrase, "Never dress up how you like to work but rather dress up to the work that you like?" Well, this is one of the biggest reason. Not a day goes by without me itching to put on the uniform again. Besides the fact that I look really good in green, I feel an immense side of pride whenever I don green. The organization has given me nothing but a sense of purpose and direction in my life.

On top of that, I would certainly have a say in Singapore's defence and deterrence policy. Many do not realize that it is because of a strong organization as this that Singapore is able to function the way it does. Many of those whom I know in the Police or the Civil defence claim that my time spent in this organization is a big waste because I am merely "running around in the jungle playing war" while they deal with real life. I do not blame them for such short sightedness as they have been living the life of comfort while we provide them with a strong sense of security by "running around in the jungle playing war". If it wasn't for us, the country would have long been overrun. Without us, there is not Home Affairs for them to deal with. It is sad for them to think in such a way and think that they actually play a big role in creating, maintaining and sustaining what is Singapore when they actually don't. But we do.

That said, one more reason for me to join is so that I have an actual say in the defences of Singapore. Knowing that what I do is what keeps my love ones safe, that is one of the biggest satisfaction that I can get from this job. I do this so that others don't. I do this so that people can sleep peaceably at night while rough men like me, stand ready to do violence on their behalf.




What did your family say to your decision of wanting to join us.
I say that they are happy for me and am actually proud that I want to do this. It has indeed been a life long dream for me. Something that I dreamt about doing ever since I was a child.


What if you don't get it. What would you do?
Granted that there are other jobs waiting for me out there but the satisfaction as well as the fulfillment that they would give me simply couldn't match up to the one that this job would give me. I have indeed asked myself this question many times over. Truthfully, I do not want to really think what I would do if I do not get this job. However, what I have done is to prepare a contingency plan. I am 100% committed into taking this job and all I ask for is for you to give me the opportunity for me to prove to you that I am all that that you will never regret on selecting. Ever.

From here on, he goes on to tell me about the things that I will have to do...


So there you go, if I could travel back in time, I would certainly prepare myself to answer these questions and impress him. Alas, the moment is gone...all I have to do now is to pray that I get to the next round.

*Don't want to get into trouble. So if you missed out the first 2 parts..it's just too bad*

Sometimes..

Sometimes...when you cry...no one sees your tears

Sometimes...when you are worried...no one sees your pain

Sometimes...when you are happy...no one sees your smile













But fart just one time.......

Anticipation has a habit to set you up for disappoint

How I am is akin to how a duck swims. Everything looks very calm on the surface...try looking under the water.

So I will run...until my feet don't touch the ground...

Yesterday was probably one of the best days of my life. Officially, I am not longer a patient of NUH as my physiotherapist released me from further rehabilitation sessions. Finally! It's been 6 months since my knee was operated and for the last couple of months, being able to even walk again is indeed a blessing. 6 months ago, even being able to bend my knee was a challenge. Walking was an impossible feat which I achieved within 2 weeks of the operation. Being able to ride again took just as long. In fact, I was able to ride again while still wearing the leg brace! It's just like learning how to fly before you even know how to walk.

It's also been 9 months since I last played any rugby. 31st January 2011 was the last time I played the beautiful game (soccer is just a copy of it) and the urge to play again, to be fully part of a team again, is as strong as ever. In fact, it has never waned. On the day of the injury itself, the physio on site was bombarded with questions like "How long will I take to recover?" or "Will I be able to play as usual again?" and also "Is there a faster way to recover?". Each time I asked such a question, he will only tell me to take it easy. This sentiment was shared by many people. My imagination got the better of me as I actually googled for the possibility of a leg transplant (healthy ones of course) or even a bio-mechanical pair. Childish and nonsensical I know.

This probably explains why I am so pumped up about this Saturday. If I do actually play instead of just being at the sidelines, it will only mean that I have never missed a 7s competition in my life! The first time I played such a format was in secondary school. In JC, we got to play at the SCC side of the Padang. I nearly scored against RJC in that if not for my generous mood of wanting to let someone else score after I broke through their defenses through sheer individual footwork. I played 7s during the fasting month of 2008, reached the finals the year after and completely washed out last year. This year, shall be different. I am playing for the 2nd team now. But it's alright since I am just coming back from a career ending injury. Thankfully, with the marvels of modern healthcare, I am able to go back to playing.

I can't however say that I am back to full strength. Gone are the days where I can do a 200lb single leg press or 10 full single leg squats or kick someone across the match ring with any style of kick- be it a round horse kick, back kick, front kick or side kick. But I'll get there. I'll get back to the point that I can sidestep an entire team of ugly hungry-looking rugby players (I despise the term ruggers) or clock 23secs++ for my 200m sprint. Soon, i'll be able to clock a sub 8mins timing for my SOC again. Running fast has always been an integral part of me. I wasn't born fast, but for the past 15 years of my life, I've been training to being able to do so.

And so...I will run until my feet don't touch the ground.