The Decade

   It's been 10 years since I set up this writing space of mine. 10 years...gone past just like that. All the time that's gone, traded for the many experience that I stood to gain. Not all were good. Some were sweet, others not so sweet. But as I think back about all the time that has passed, those experiences were nothing less than bittersweet.

   What has changed over the last 10 years? If we count it from the last post, well, I am finally about get married. It isn't without its trials and tribulations, as with many things in life. Although I don't show much excitement towards it, its probably because it is beginning to turn into a stressful affair. Wish it was just between her and me. Alas, it is not to be.

   There are some days that I do ask God what it is that He has planned out for me. So far, I've got nothing but silence. Perhaps, that is God's way of telling me that He is all-wise and all-knowing while I am not. Perhaps that is His way of telling me that I need him in my life more than anything else. So, me, being just a Man, I can only continue to pray that whatever the outcome that God has for me in life, it is for my best.

  My working life has been nothing more than it is - a job that I go to everyday. The pay is alright, it pays the bills. But I really do not have the passion for what I am doing. The fact that I am writing this note over lunch shows how interested I am in getting things done.

  Job hunting hasn't been very fruitful either. If I am going to switch jobs for a lower pay, it better be something that is worth it. With the house coming, and public housing priced at half a million SGD, I believe that at least one of us have to be earning quite a bit to be paying for it. The other can just earn comfortable enough to get by. Woe this life is. Sigh.

  But it's okay. I guess, for the money, I could just stay on. Career progression in this company is there, although, it is rather limited.

  This is beginning to get rather depressing. Something that is supposed to be quite a nostalgic affair is turning out to be a moment of truth for me. 10 years have gone by I feel that those 10 years were quite rather wasted.

  Truthfully, I feel that I was a much better person 10 years ago. I was very idealistic and running with full of passion in whatever I was doing. But times have changed, and I have grown up. I have entered the growing old phase.

  I wonder how life will turn out for me in the next 10 years. Maybe it'll be for the better. Hopefully it wouldn't be for the worse. Only God knows what will happen to me over the next decade. Late 20s coming to an end. Pray to God I'll have nothing but bitter sweet memories 10 years later.

  Happy 10 years anniversary Blabberbutt!

Purple Lights in the Valley...

Hi all! 

It has been awhile since I wrote anything- especially on this space. As a scroll through all the posts that I have written, I reminisce of all the times that I have had ever since I started this space - both the good and the bad. Come to think of it, if those events did not happen, I would not be where I am today. 

Yesterday, I ended by 5th In- Camp Training. I can still remember the day when I enlisted in 2006. I was accompanied by my 2 cousins into Pulau Tekong. My dad and my younger brother left the entourage at White Sands Shopping Centre as he had to work the afternoon shift. Apparently, I got the attention of some of the instructors as both my cousins were still single back then. One is happily married with a kid while the other is still looking for answers in her life. Unfortunately, we have become estranged with the one that is married for supernatural (and ridiculous) reasons. 

I cringe as I go through the posts that I have written - for the bad English ( I don't think I have improved much since then) as well as for realizing how stupid one could be when they were young. This space was started when I was still an 18 year old. I had just completed my GCE 'A' Levels and was waiting for enlistment. Everyday, I thank the heavens that I was enlisted to become a soldier instead of an underpaid police officer or firefighter. 

I was thankful that my elder brother help me get a part-time job at Delifrance in the December of 2005. He helped me got the part but I knew that the rest was up to me. So I worked hard and was ready to cover for any shift that saw a sudden drop of manpower. I remember several occasions where I worked double shifts - starting at 7 in the morning and ending only at 10pm. However, I was contented as I had something to fill up my day while awaiting for the 8th of April 2006.

That day came soon enough. After a good 2 weeks of rest, I was finally getting to do something which I had looked forward to all my life. That day, I was hopeful that I'd get to do it for the rest of my life too! Unfortunately, it was not meant to be. But I had no regrets with any of those things which I did, save for one incident that is. I got to make really good friends, I got to travel a lot, and the best part of it all, I got to play solider. 

1 year and 10 months passed by too quickly. On the 7th of February 2008, I found myself outside the bus stop in front of Lim Chu Kang Camp 2 asking my friend, "So what's next?". Once again, I found myself being in such an aimless state. This was despite having a place in NTU to study sociology. That would be where I'd meet Huishan and got her to fall in love with me. I was already in love with her the first time I saw her. 

Again, the 4 years I spent there passed by too quickly. I was simply having the time of my life. I knew that it would the last 4 years of my life that I'd get to be a student so I maximize every single second of it, savoring every single last moments that I get to experience in school. The 2 break-ups that happened did affect my mood to study but by the time I got my head unstuck, it was already the final year. Her presence did help in some ways. But it only sealed the deal on the final semester in school. With that in place, I dared to move ahead, full of hope! 

Eventually, I landed a job in a Singapore Inc. company in the capacity of an operations executive. I soon got promoted and now am one of the managers that ensures that the company continues to contribute to 20% of the country's GDP. Work is tough and there are several days that I simply dread going to work. But it is something that I, as a responsible adult, have to do. 

"When you were young, what was it that you wanted to be?"

For the National Day Observance Ceremony in 1998 that we had in school, I volunteered to represent my class for a costume competition. We were to dress up as any one of the services that ensured the total defence of Singapore. My class chose to be a soldier and I was chosen to be the model. As a child, I knew that I wanted to be a soldier. Why? Because I think it is the most noblest profession in the world. It is truly an honor to be a protector of the country's many citizens as well as residents. So as a child, I was truly eager for the 8th of April 2006 to arrive. 

Not many have had the privilege to serve the country in the same capacity that I had. It was truly an honor to serve the country the way I did. Every Sunday, I'd be looking forward to book-in into camp. Strangely enough, I was one of those few that did not want Friday to come too fast although that meant that my suffering would only be prolonged. It seemed as though that time stood still each time we went out for a route march. My shoulders would initially hurt from the load that we carry but it would soon numb out. 

Then, there were the fire trenches that we had to dig! Never in my life had I participated in such back-breaking work! In total, I have dug 5 fire trenches in my life. It takes at least 6 hours to dig one and another 2 hours for us to ensure that it is properly concealed. There are many in uniform that have never seen one much less have to dig one in their entire time in service. I suppose, I was not so lucky then. 

Then, there were the countries that we went to: Star Light, Lancer, High Noon, Lightning Strike. I truly enjoyed each and every one of them. But then, 7th of February came all to fast and I was forced to move on with my life after being too unsuccessful in trying to sign on with the army. However, every time I go back for my reservist, I thank God that I do not end up being one of those mindless Regulars that we have. There are plenty of them in the service. But with  any organization, there are really good ones too. 

"Going back for holiday camp? So shiok"

I always get this comment whenever I tell someone that I am going back for reservist. It is really hurtful and certainly untrue. Most of us, especially those appointment holders, actually have a lot of things to do. Sometimes, I do envy enlistees. All they do is really sleeping in the bunk and just waiting for the next order to move out. Perhaps, that's why most people think that we go back for a holiday. 

As age catches up to us, the things that we are supposed to do gets tougher and tougher. I was actually surprised that I was sore after a mission- all from carrying the same amount of load which I was all too familiar with since 8 years ago. But this time around, I got to relive what I was really good at 8 years ago- firefight. Due to a huge screw-up, a company of 72 got reduced to 15 while on the way to the objective. Once we got reduced to such a lean force, I decided to take charge and influence how the 2 remaining officers continued with the mission. 

So we arrived at the objective, almost missing the timing. And we fought, valiantly! We tried to take on a force of 30. Well, thankfully, it was through lasers. If it was the real thing, we all would not be returning to our loved ones. 

"Why do you do this? What does National Service mean to you?"

My division commander cleared his schedule to talk to some of us. He asked us what National Service meant to us and why are we doing this for? For me, the answer has always been the same- I do so that others don't. That does sound so altruistic that it seems ridiculous. But it is the truth. I would not want my dad, my mom or even Huishan to be picking up a rifle to chase away any invaders who dare to try. 

An instructor once told me that the very reason why nobody has dared to attack our country was because we were constantly training. If we had stopped our training, we would be finished. Looking at countries that had downsized their defence capabilities because of political reasons (just so that they can get elected for the following term really), I hold his word true. Most of those countries are in shambles due to either external or internal factors. If our country did not have people like me around, other countries would not hesitate to take advantage of us. 

This is actually empirically proven a few years ago when our neighbors from the north had threatened to cut off our water supplies. They were told that this would be seen as an act of aggression and we would not hesitated to deploy our forces to ensure our survival. That threat immediately died down and the guy who made that threat retired. 

"What's next?"

I do feel a tinge of sadness that the 5th ICT is already over. I'd have to wait another year before I get to meet the guys again. Every year, I'd have to force myself to reintegrate with the normal society - wake up early to go to work and get home as early as I can. 

As for now, I try to live my life the best I can and find things to look forward to. For now, I shall work towards a wedding. 

“I slept and I dreamed that life is all joy. I woke and I saw that life is all service. I served and I saw that service is joy.” 
― Kahlil Gibran

In secret places, we don't fight fair

It's SAF day again. It seems like its a really big deal this year with a massive on going PR campaign everywhere. 

 

Ever since 2006, I've always had such immense pride whenever I put on the uniform. In about 2 more years, that pride would have lasted for 10 years. How time flies. 

I remember the first time we put on our uniforms, that feeling was simply indescribable. And to be wearing it in public could only intensify that feeling. Sadly, the public viewed it differently as they often left my buddies and I an entire train carriage to ourselves. 

Aside from pride, it has also given me courage many times over. Courage is not the absence of fear, it is the presence of that that brings it about. Without fear, there can be no courage. It all happens in a split second when we decide a situation is either a flight of fight. Often, I had chose the situation to be the latter. Sadly, it's often so difficult these days for me to choose the situation to be that of a fight. I shall overcome this. 

That said, I still remember clearly what happened on the 12th of February 2007. 28 of us we situated on a hill to fight off a sizable enemy. What we thought was a 100 men turned out to be at least 4 times more of our assumption. But we held on to the very last man; to the very last bullet. 

We eventually took revenge by capturing the entire 400 off guard. We won. We ruled the day and we conquered the night. It may have been just another exercise. But we fought hard. We weren't going to give up. That was when that I knew, that we were all a unit. 

Felt good to tell that story. But what does my 2 years mean to me?  Well, I picked up a lot of skills which I still use till this day. I am the unbeatable contender in my own unit. I picked up smoking, which really helped me in making loads of friends. Alas, I have stopped. And I am not making sense in any way right now. Seriously, this writing is not coherent at all. My kind is a jungle right now. 

Reveille 0530hrs

It's almost a week since my last reservist and slowly everything is back to where it was. It was a hectic 1 week with little sleep but yet, I was bounding from one issue to another with boundless amount of energy. It is something I love to do- soldiering.To be able to run from bound to bound, buildings to buildings just to fight.

By the time we captured the objective, day 4 of reservist, I was running on empty. I had nothing left in me. So I took a moment from all that chaos to just slump against a wall and just zone out. I used to have a cigarette lit up in those moments but since last December, I decided against that. The temptation to do so, however, was very strong. Yet, despite zoning out, I had to fight that urge even though I am already running on empty.

It was in that moment that I realized that I had so much more left- athletes call it 'second wind'. That is when you realize that if you dug deeper, you realize that you can actually push even more. It is reaching a whole new level for yourself. So after I found my 'second wind', I got up and decided to do what I do best, boss around the company. That bossing around got everyone food, drinks and some more energy that they'd require to get them back home quickly.

On a side note, I guess my efforts got recognized as I was given a medal for it. No parade, no ceremonies, no walking up on stage- just my RSM walking up to me and passing it to me discreetly. That is what we are all about I guess, to do good for the betterment of others and seek that as a reward in itself. The medal was just an affirmation that someone had recognized my effort. I was truly overjoyed and I showed it through my stoic expression.

As we parted ways, some of the men told me, "See you next year Encik/Sergeant/ Sergeant Major/ Fadzil/etc". I can't help to feel like I wouldn't. Past few cycles I had men coming up to say that to me. Yet the ones that do, don't quite make it back to the next reservist. They are only with us in spirit as we remember them by their valiant and courageous actions that I have personally observed. God has decided that they have did all the good that they had to do on earth and it was simply time for them to come back home.

I guess the one that I remember the most was the one guy who was in my platoon back in my old unit. We hugged as we parted ways - a private and a Sergeant, both Singaporean sons. We promised each other that we will meet again during our reservist days knowing that that is how the system works. I told him to take good care of himself and his parents. He told me likewise. However, after a semester in school almost 9 months later, I found out that he has passed away. People saw the bad in him- robbing, drugs, etc. However, all I saw was a soul that simply needed to saved. His parents health was robbed and his family was failing. He simply needed an escape. Everyone does.

May his soul rest in peace.

We are the few that do so much for the many. 

I just dreamt that I met my grandfather. I woke up crying. I didn't realize how much I miss him. It's been so many years and I wasn't even thinking about anything before going to bed. 

In my dream, my dad met my grandfather too. He looked extremely delighted when he go to meet him. I've never seen him smile like that before- one that's not holding back any pain but one that is pure joy. 

Clarity

The balancing board. It's the time of the day, or perhaps week, where I find my mind drifting away into the abyss. I think of nothing and nothing was thought of me. 

My mind is clear and my heart pure. The mind is at ease while the body is all tensed up. I can feel the heart beating slowly, blood flowing through my veins. I feel at peace with myself once again. 

For my woes are merely monetary in nature. They have always been.

After doing all the calculations I think I have to stick to being just the normal guy for now. 

Europe. Birthday. Hari raya. Car. Why do you all just have to come together?

Aimless

I really feel like doing something worthwhile in my life. Something that I'd be known for- like MMA or biker or cyclist, something really! 

I used to the rugby guy. Now, I'm just the guy who goes to the gym and well, the operations executive. This is not what I want. 

It's just that, I don't think I am able to afford to do so right now. Money wise that is. 

Lot noi day mai?

Finally am able to break away from work which is getting rather monotonous. Ironically however, my job requires me to handle a variety of situations- keyword being variety. Basically I am to "unfuck" the fuck-up.

Krabi has been rather dull to say the least. The first day was mostly spent with a bit of walking around with the first hour seeing me doing the walking by myself along AoNang (also known as Ao Phra Nang). The flight here has been rather eventful with a terrible turbulence hitting us on the landing. Hitting a turbulence on the flight is one thing; hitting one during the landing is actually rather disastrous. Most of the flight accidents are due to planes hitting some sort of a turbulence either during take off or landing- according to nat geo anyway.

But other than that, I feel the heavy burden of the "responsible one" especially during this trip. Playing tour guide means that I am the one who has to know where we are, where we would be going, what we're going to do, when we're going to do it and how we're going to get there to do it. Suffice to say, it feels just like I am actually on a mission, not a holiday. Guess there aren't much perks about growing up when you're the "responsible one".

Turning 26 is actually quite a daunting, freeing yet depressing task. Even though it happened about 4 months ago, I am still haunted by the thoughts of it happening. The only coping mechanism that I have is that it has already happened and that I should try to forget that it has actually happened. I just try to live my day by shrugging off the fact that there are many implications resting heavily on my shoulders. Implications- more like responsibilities.

At this age, I am nowhere near marrying. Even though chubs has been quite worried about it, marriage is the last thing on my mind right now. Right now, I am more concerned about getting to do things that I haven't got to do during my youth- things that chubs has already done. Perhaps this is why I am a late bloomer and sooner or later, she is going to get frustrated with the wait as she is already into the next phase of life. I am still at least one phase behind. Perhaps that is why girls rather go for older guys- they seem to match up in the phases of life. Well, that is a rather worrying thought to say the least.

Somehow in this disaster I call life, it does have its moments. Moments come fleeting by when I am out doing random things- something that majority of the people I know find hard to appreciate. Chubs, you are included. But yes, though that screams disorganization in my life, that is the basis of how life is organized- a series of random events which somehow creates a coherence if you are willing to let it. We often fight that and try to make life as how we want it to be and if it doesn't, we are quick to judge it as being incoherent.

Alas, when we step into the world of another it is all going to seem extremely incoherent very quickly. But the avid traveler will know better than to judge- they immerse themselves into the brand new world. Instead of judging, they appreciate and attempt to understand. Sure a shoe might be too big to walk in at first- but that is why we are given this god-given talent called growing. A big shoe can be good because it leaves us room to grow. But one cannot immediately start running it in after putting it on- you'll just end up with blisters that will scar you for life. Instead, slowly walk in it and feel the space within. Even after growing we find that it is still a tad too big for us, that's when we get thicker socks. Socks are the aids that helps us fit into the shoe better.

On a different note, I discovered that I might be someone who's an avoidant affectionate. There are 3 types- the other two are securely affectionate and devoid affectionate. What does this mean to be an avoidant affectionate? Well, it simply means that any rage that I feel, any protests towards an external being or event simply gets suppressed. More to come on this fact as soon as I am better aware of what it all means.

Till then, it feels good to be writing again. Writing for the sake of pleasure. These days, I have been writing way too much reports.

Relationships

People don't develop first and create relationships. People are born into relationships-with parents, with ancestors- and those relationships create people. 

A blast from the past

This is an extract, well, the whole report really, of the RNR I had while I was in Taiwan. Don't mind the grammar because even as I read it, I do get embarrassed. That was the 19 year old me, when I was still what I had wanted to be all my life. I still do.

This report is written by Cpl Fadzil of Echo Coy, Pl 3, Sect 3. RnR was fun while it lasted. 3 days of organized tours to a museum, three theme parks and 2 cultural landmarks had been educational, thrilling and fulfilling.
 The first stop was quite draggy since everyone was sent to a place nobody wanted to be at. 921 Earthquake Museum. Nobody really saw the point of coming to an earthquake site since it wasn’t relevant to our context. However, it got interesting when we saw what was there. I don’t think none of the trainees ever experienced or much less saw an earthquake before. So, we got a little bit intrigued from the pictures and the comments written below. Boring? Definitely! But it was also definitely an eye opener to us all. We should consider just how lucky we all are to not having an earthquake in Singapore.
 Lunch afterwards was delightful. Scrumptious hot lunch! It was supposed to be followed by a boring visit to some cultural village. 3 painful hours at some cultural village. Well, that’s what we thought. We were proved wrong! It turned out to be an amusement park of some sort with really scary rides. Never in my life had I scared myself so badly. It was so thrilling that screaming was futile. I was screaming till I couldn’t scream anymore. A ride that lasted no longer than 30 seconds felt like forever while you were on it.  The Mayan Adventure; the first real rollercoaster ride in my life. There were also a few other scary rides but none was as scary as the UFO. 100m ascend up the tower somewhere up in the mountains followed by a 5 seconds hang before you free fall your way back to earth only to be saved by a fully functional braking mechanism. Balls-to-the-throat action! After that, it was a cold dinner followed by shopping at Shillin Night Market.
 The next two days were routine with 2 visits a day to places like Ocean world, Martyrs Shrine, Chiang Kai-Shek Shrine, some theme park whose name I forgot because it was too boring and Leofoo Safari Park.  Lots of different food to try, lots of things to see because whatever we saw and experienced there simply cannot be experienced in Singapore. Best food ever tasted was the BBQ squid in sesame oil and seed. It tasted like nothing on earth. Simply the best! Best ride? It definitely has to be the Mayan Adventure. So scary that I had to ride it 2 more times. Okay, after the second time, it just made me dizzy. Didn’t really feel scared afterwards. Moreover, the other rides that I took at all the other theme parks weren’t as scary as the Mayan Adventure.
 Besides the places that we went to, we also had free time to go shopping at night. The most happening place would have to be Xinmenting. Girls to see. Things to buy. Food to taste. That’s what every shopping experience should be like. But I got a lot of things from Shilin Night Market because it was cheaper there and we can bargain like nobody’s business.
 Our tour guide, Jass, made the bus ride between each place interesting. Otherwise, we would have been bored out of our skulls. Doing nothing but watching a bit of the movie that was being played in the bus before dozing off.
 Well, that is all I have to say about the 3 days organized tour during our RNR.

It's not about how you feel about that person. It's about how that person makes you feel about yourself.

A story. A man fires a rifle for many years. and he goes to war. And afterwards he comes home, and he sees that whatever else he may do with his life - build a house, love a woman, change his son's diaper - he will always remain a jarhead. And all the jarheads killing and dying, they will always be me. We are still in the desert.

Last night I dreamt about doing some of the things that I want. Play tennis, go for a beach vacation at this really beautiful beach, went dirt biking and hanging out with good company. But most importantly, I my dream, I could actually breath.

I'm so far gone now, I've been running on empty

Nowadays my favorite thing to do is to go to the gym and stand on the balancing board for a long time. I do nothing but stand perfectly still while trying to find balance. My mind clears up and I actually feel at peace. Whenever a thought comes to my head, any thoughts, I'd lose my balance.

I like it - standing perfectly still doing absolutely nothing n

I still see them, all of them. Falling in for first parade in front of the company line. Everyone so young with their full lives ahead of them. Although they can't wait for the next book out, all they could think about right there and then is about each other.

The jostling, the jokes, the suffering, the pain, the joys, the glory- I could still see all of that in them. Every single one of them.

Once again, I've found myself asking. Where did I go wrong? What did I do wrong?

Charlie mike

Last night, in my dreams, I was 3-2 bravo again. I didn't want to wake up but I did.

What is it with me? The closer I get to someone, the scarier things get for me.

What am I really afraid of? Am I really afraid that they might hurt me? Am I afraid that I might lose them? Likely.

In my lifetime, I've lost too many people either through death or through erosions of the bridge that I've grown too scared to be connected. To scared that the connection might be lost somehow.

I am extremely adaptable. This has been proven to many and especially to myself as I get thrown into the deep end of a brand new situation. Yet, I am one who does not like changes that much. How I wish things could just remain the same. How I wish for a moment to last forever.

Does this deafening silence means nothing to no one but me

Couldn't sleep so I decided to take a night ride out to ease my mind. Ended up in jb since I needed petrol anyway with Swedish House Mafia blasting through the earphones all the way through. It's nice to have the roads all to yourself once in a while. Not having to deal with the nonsense we all know as traffic is rather therapeutic.

Now that I'm back on my bed, I'm just waiting for the effects of the painkillers to kick in. How I wish I wasn't allergic to those powerful ones. It's strange how my body only decided to develop allergies at the age of 24.

24...that was 2 years ago. Now at the age of 26, I don't think I am any wiser. Older maybe. I keep making the same old mistakes with procrastination being at the top of the list. Truthfully, I am a rather lazy person when it comes to a lot of things. So it's pretty amazing that the girlfriend thinks I'm quite disciplined. Well, maybe towards the aspect of gym. But that's only because its a place where I feel right at home.

Turning 26 was quite an affair. First, they brought me up a hatch then the next day, she treated me to a really "atas" restaurant- literally as pun is very much intended thank you. But then, it's not really what she treated me to or what she surprised me with. Honestly, it's because it's with her that made it into such an affair. So, halfway through last year, I gave up any hopes of getting another present just weeks after turning 25. I got an iPod, I got a dirt biking experience (which didn't turn out as well as I'd hope it would be) and the best part of it all, I got a video that she made. That video still makes me all warm, fuzzy and slushy inside whenever I watch it. Till this day, I can never match up to that level she has reached with whatever videos I've made for her.

I've come to this stage in life where I haven't quite accomplished half the things I would have liked. Firstly, I still don't have my ranger tab. The ranger course is basically a course where they make you do a lot of nasty things with no time to eat and only 3 hours of sleep a night for 65 days. After that, everything else will seem like child's play. At 26, I've never been to any wars. Don't get me wrong- I am no war junkie. But people who have come back from any conflict can testify the fact that they appreciate life and the people around them a lot more after coming back from a war zone. It's the fact that they've reached the brink of death that they are able to do so. The nightmares that they get serves them as a reminder to cherish those near and dear to them. At the age of 26, I don't think I'll ever get to experience that state of crisis.

Job wise, everything is only so-so as I go from one shift to the other. Slowly, my confidence is building up as I learn more things as I go along. I'm the sort of person who wants to figure things out for myself and don't take advice too kindly. Anyone who really knows me understands that part about me. Sure it gets frustrating. But blowing your top at me for being like that isn't going to help one bit. Instead, coaxing me into understand and accept what you have figured out helps tremendously. There are many who are like me.

And so here it is, me writing after a long hiatus. I haven't got quite the energy to write anymore as most of it is expended through the numerous reports I have to write on a daily basis- whether I'm at work or not. That plus a lack of inspiration who's clarity cannot be matched.

To trust, one must remain vulnerable. When one is vulnerable, one gets agitated and jumpy. You trust a person because they are trustworthy- until proven otherwise. Once proven otherwise, there is no turning back- you'd be damned for life. To trust, you yourself have to remain trusted. To be trusted, you have to trust- you have to remain vulnerable. But alas, it is something that you have to earn because the closer any two person get, the more vulnerable they thus be. Only way for the two to trust each other is for them to fight off everyone else as a team. To only way for it to work is to open up your friendly fire and the other one to be the kill that you're missing and you keep missing every single time.