End of an Era

Last week, I experienced one of the worst days of my life that I'll ever care to admit. 

Never thought that such a day would come, but I guess that's how time works. Its one tricky little bitch as it passes by without one ever realizing that so much of it has already passed. 

As ironic as it sounds, death is one key milestone in anybody's life. As much  as we want to spend our time with our loved ones while they are still around, we also have to balance it with spending time on what we love to do. 

Often, by doing so, our body takes a toll and we end up shortening our time spent on earth. We end up hastening spending time on our loved ones and our body takes a further toll. Sure we can use that time to spend doing "healthy activities". But, how often does one carry out a meaningful conversation while being out of breath? 

A session with the JC rugby boys was rather refreshing. We all agreed that we are at the point in our lives that time is constantly fleeting. We also agreed that the time set aside for the ones means dearly to us was only set aside because we knew it was worth it. 

So, how do we know it's worth it? 

Long, Long TIme

Me saying "it's been awhile since I've wrote" seems to becoming a theme for this blog. Alas, it has indeed been awhile.

A lot has changed since I last wrote. Fatherhood has simply been spectacular! I've experienced the joys of having my own mini-me whom adores his mummy a lot. I hope he continues to do that forever.

I think I am doing an ok job as a dad. Others might think otherwise. Well, what can I say?

As this post has no coherence and meaning, maybe I should just stop here.

The Crave

   While doing my work in the office, on a Sunday nonetheless, I've been blasting of songs from the past. It breathes an air of nostalgia as my mind races through my childhood, through my teenage years and into my young adulthood. 

    The concept of adulthood is still bewildering despite having gone through about a decade of it. I still shy away from responsibilities from time to time knowing that my decisions could have an impact on the lives of others. Being a teenager was so much simpler and it does bring back some really fond memories. 

    If I could talk to my 13 year old self, I would certainly tell him that things are what they are and not to wish for them to be otherwise. Growing up, I never got the things that I wanted. I was always envious of my friends for having the latest gaming consoles, latest games, allowances enough to take girls out on dates - things that I constantly craved for growing up. I guess, that is one of the reasons why I was so shy with girls. I grew up thinking that if I talked to girls, I would end up having to take them  out on dates. Well, that warped logic of mine wasn't that far fetched. As soon as I started talking to girls, they soon took a liking for me. When that happened, I got worried because I didn't have any extra money to spend on/with them. That might sound a tad chauvinistic of me but that's what I've been taught - if you asked somebody out, you better be a good host. And being a good host meant that they shouldn't have to burden themselves. In this instance, that would have meant that they shouldn't have to spend any money. 

   So, I wished to grow up quicker so that I would have the financial freedom to attain what I couldn't from my daily allowance. Besides, it was not fair to my parents to give me more money just so that I could take one step closer towards impregnating somebody's daughter. Okay, I exaggerate. 

   Well, I remember that feeling of regret, the feel like I need to savor all that is left of secondary school when I was halfway through secondary 4. That same old feeling reemerged in JC1 when I realized not many actually breeze through JC and end up straight into the work force after 2, maybe 3, years of unhappy JC life. So I decided that I will really squeeze every ounce of experience that I can get in JC. I really caught up in the dating sphere after gaining some financial freedom from having to work before entering JC and even during the June and December holidays. 

   Looking back, I'd say the 4 years as an adolescent teenager were the best years of my life. Despite lacking any financial freedom, I was allowed to be a kid. A smelly one at that from all the soccer and  running around I did. Thankfully, I did not stench up any bus as I only had to walk home after school. 

   I guess these pangs of nostalgia were only made explicit with the death of a friend. Without it, I would have seen life as it is - always having the chance to revert to a time of innocence whenever I hang out with them. But age has indeed caught up and people get married. Those who are married have or going to have kids. Slowly but surely, we all drift apart into our own lives. Sad as it is, I guess this is the reality of adulthood. Each having to ensure their own, as well as their kids, survival. 

   If only we could turn back time and have run really slowly this time around. 

When we were young

Can't believe that on this day, 10 years ago, I was enlisted. That day, I did not spend the night worrying about the outcome of operations at work. That night, after calling my mom and wished her goodnight, I turned in for the day. I couldn't sleep of course- being in a new environment and all. Till this day, I still find it difficult to sleep whenever I'm in a new environment. I can't figure out why.

I was finally in! After years of waiting, I was finally in! I thank the heavens that I did not get sent to other services like some of my friends that I know. Somehow, I was quite excited and nervous about how the next couple of years would pan out for me.

I had my ups and downs of course, just like everybody else. I dare say that I got the complete experience of those ups and downs. The  lowest point of my life was reached only a year later. But in that cell, I promised myself that it can only get better. It had to be. I had to make it be so. Indeed it was.

I am thankful for the experience I had over the course of 1 year and 10 months as well as the friends I had made. It was 1 year, 10 months and 3 days later that I found myself lost again and without a purpose. I suppose that I had made the right decision to not sign the paper. Every time I go back for reservist, I am more and more convinced that I had indeed made the right decision.

If it wasn't for experience I had, I don't think I am the person I am today. For what it's worth, I am glad that it had all happened. If I could go back and redo everything again, my wish would be that I had treated everyone a bit better. Only God knows that those that have departed, are in a better place now.

The Decade

   It's been 10 years since I set up this writing space of mine. 10 years...gone past just like that. All the time that's gone, traded for the many experience that I stood to gain. Not all were good. Some were sweet, others not so sweet. But as I think back about all the time that has passed, those experiences were nothing less than bittersweet.

   What has changed over the last 10 years? If we count it from the last post, well, I am finally about get married. It isn't without its trials and tribulations, as with many things in life. Although I don't show much excitement towards it, its probably because it is beginning to turn into a stressful affair. Wish it was just between her and me. Alas, it is not to be.

   There are some days that I do ask God what it is that He has planned out for me. So far, I've got nothing but silence. Perhaps, that is God's way of telling me that He is all-wise and all-knowing while I am not. Perhaps that is His way of telling me that I need him in my life more than anything else. So, me, being just a Man, I can only continue to pray that whatever the outcome that God has for me in life, it is for my best.

  My working life has been nothing more than it is - a job that I go to everyday. The pay is alright, it pays the bills. But I really do not have the passion for what I am doing. The fact that I am writing this note over lunch shows how interested I am in getting things done.

  Job hunting hasn't been very fruitful either. If I am going to switch jobs for a lower pay, it better be something that is worth it. With the house coming, and public housing priced at half a million SGD, I believe that at least one of us have to be earning quite a bit to be paying for it. The other can just earn comfortable enough to get by. Woe this life is. Sigh.

  But it's okay. I guess, for the money, I could just stay on. Career progression in this company is there, although, it is rather limited.

  This is beginning to get rather depressing. Something that is supposed to be quite a nostalgic affair is turning out to be a moment of truth for me. 10 years have gone by I feel that those 10 years were quite rather wasted.

  Truthfully, I feel that I was a much better person 10 years ago. I was very idealistic and running with full of passion in whatever I was doing. But times have changed, and I have grown up. I have entered the growing old phase.

  I wonder how life will turn out for me in the next 10 years. Maybe it'll be for the better. Hopefully it wouldn't be for the worse. Only God knows what will happen to me over the next decade. Late 20s coming to an end. Pray to God I'll have nothing but bitter sweet memories 10 years later.

  Happy 10 years anniversary Blabberbutt!

Purple Lights in the Valley...

Hi all! 

It has been awhile since I wrote anything- especially on this space. As a scroll through all the posts that I have written, I reminisce of all the times that I have had ever since I started this space - both the good and the bad. Come to think of it, if those events did not happen, I would not be where I am today. 

Yesterday, I ended by 5th In- Camp Training. I can still remember the day when I enlisted in 2006. I was accompanied by my 2 cousins into Pulau Tekong. My dad and my younger brother left the entourage at White Sands Shopping Centre as he had to work the afternoon shift. Apparently, I got the attention of some of the instructors as both my cousins were still single back then. One is happily married with a kid while the other is still looking for answers in her life. Unfortunately, we have become estranged with the one that is married for supernatural (and ridiculous) reasons. 

I cringe as I go through the posts that I have written - for the bad English ( I don't think I have improved much since then) as well as for realizing how stupid one could be when they were young. This space was started when I was still an 18 year old. I had just completed my GCE 'A' Levels and was waiting for enlistment. Everyday, I thank the heavens that I was enlisted to become a soldier instead of an underpaid police officer or firefighter. 

I was thankful that my elder brother help me get a part-time job at Delifrance in the December of 2005. He helped me got the part but I knew that the rest was up to me. So I worked hard and was ready to cover for any shift that saw a sudden drop of manpower. I remember several occasions where I worked double shifts - starting at 7 in the morning and ending only at 10pm. However, I was contented as I had something to fill up my day while awaiting for the 8th of April 2006.

That day came soon enough. After a good 2 weeks of rest, I was finally getting to do something which I had looked forward to all my life. That day, I was hopeful that I'd get to do it for the rest of my life too! Unfortunately, it was not meant to be. But I had no regrets with any of those things which I did, save for one incident that is. I got to make really good friends, I got to travel a lot, and the best part of it all, I got to play solider. 

1 year and 10 months passed by too quickly. On the 7th of February 2008, I found myself outside the bus stop in front of Lim Chu Kang Camp 2 asking my friend, "So what's next?". Once again, I found myself being in such an aimless state. This was despite having a place in NTU to study sociology. That would be where I'd meet Huishan and got her to fall in love with me. I was already in love with her the first time I saw her. 

Again, the 4 years I spent there passed by too quickly. I was simply having the time of my life. I knew that it would the last 4 years of my life that I'd get to be a student so I maximize every single second of it, savoring every single last moments that I get to experience in school. The 2 break-ups that happened did affect my mood to study but by the time I got my head unstuck, it was already the final year. Her presence did help in some ways. But it only sealed the deal on the final semester in school. With that in place, I dared to move ahead, full of hope! 

Eventually, I landed a job in a Singapore Inc. company in the capacity of an operations executive. I soon got promoted and now am one of the managers that ensures that the company continues to contribute to 20% of the country's GDP. Work is tough and there are several days that I simply dread going to work. But it is something that I, as a responsible adult, have to do. 

"When you were young, what was it that you wanted to be?"

For the National Day Observance Ceremony in 1998 that we had in school, I volunteered to represent my class for a costume competition. We were to dress up as any one of the services that ensured the total defence of Singapore. My class chose to be a soldier and I was chosen to be the model. As a child, I knew that I wanted to be a soldier. Why? Because I think it is the most noblest profession in the world. It is truly an honor to be a protector of the country's many citizens as well as residents. So as a child, I was truly eager for the 8th of April 2006 to arrive. 

Not many have had the privilege to serve the country in the same capacity that I had. It was truly an honor to serve the country the way I did. Every Sunday, I'd be looking forward to book-in into camp. Strangely enough, I was one of those few that did not want Friday to come too fast although that meant that my suffering would only be prolonged. It seemed as though that time stood still each time we went out for a route march. My shoulders would initially hurt from the load that we carry but it would soon numb out. 

Then, there were the fire trenches that we had to dig! Never in my life had I participated in such back-breaking work! In total, I have dug 5 fire trenches in my life. It takes at least 6 hours to dig one and another 2 hours for us to ensure that it is properly concealed. There are many in uniform that have never seen one much less have to dig one in their entire time in service. I suppose, I was not so lucky then. 

Then, there were the countries that we went to: Star Light, Lancer, High Noon, Lightning Strike. I truly enjoyed each and every one of them. But then, 7th of February came all to fast and I was forced to move on with my life after being too unsuccessful in trying to sign on with the army. However, every time I go back for my reservist, I thank God that I do not end up being one of those mindless Regulars that we have. There are plenty of them in the service. But with  any organization, there are really good ones too. 

"Going back for holiday camp? So shiok"

I always get this comment whenever I tell someone that I am going back for reservist. It is really hurtful and certainly untrue. Most of us, especially those appointment holders, actually have a lot of things to do. Sometimes, I do envy enlistees. All they do is really sleeping in the bunk and just waiting for the next order to move out. Perhaps, that's why most people think that we go back for a holiday. 

As age catches up to us, the things that we are supposed to do gets tougher and tougher. I was actually surprised that I was sore after a mission- all from carrying the same amount of load which I was all too familiar with since 8 years ago. But this time around, I got to relive what I was really good at 8 years ago- firefight. Due to a huge screw-up, a company of 72 got reduced to 15 while on the way to the objective. Once we got reduced to such a lean force, I decided to take charge and influence how the 2 remaining officers continued with the mission. 

So we arrived at the objective, almost missing the timing. And we fought, valiantly! We tried to take on a force of 30. Well, thankfully, it was through lasers. If it was the real thing, we all would not be returning to our loved ones. 

"Why do you do this? What does National Service mean to you?"

My division commander cleared his schedule to talk to some of us. He asked us what National Service meant to us and why are we doing this for? For me, the answer has always been the same- I do so that others don't. That does sound so altruistic that it seems ridiculous. But it is the truth. I would not want my dad, my mom or even Huishan to be picking up a rifle to chase away any invaders who dare to try. 

An instructor once told me that the very reason why nobody has dared to attack our country was because we were constantly training. If we had stopped our training, we would be finished. Looking at countries that had downsized their defence capabilities because of political reasons (just so that they can get elected for the following term really), I hold his word true. Most of those countries are in shambles due to either external or internal factors. If our country did not have people like me around, other countries would not hesitate to take advantage of us. 

This is actually empirically proven a few years ago when our neighbors from the north had threatened to cut off our water supplies. They were told that this would be seen as an act of aggression and we would not hesitated to deploy our forces to ensure our survival. That threat immediately died down and the guy who made that threat retired. 

"What's next?"

I do feel a tinge of sadness that the 5th ICT is already over. I'd have to wait another year before I get to meet the guys again. Every year, I'd have to force myself to reintegrate with the normal society - wake up early to go to work and get home as early as I can. 

As for now, I try to live my life the best I can and find things to look forward to. For now, I shall work towards a wedding. 

“I slept and I dreamed that life is all joy. I woke and I saw that life is all service. I served and I saw that service is joy.” 
― Kahlil Gibran

In secret places, we don't fight fair

It's SAF day again. It seems like its a really big deal this year with a massive on going PR campaign everywhere. 

 

Ever since 2006, I've always had such immense pride whenever I put on the uniform. In about 2 more years, that pride would have lasted for 10 years. How time flies. 

I remember the first time we put on our uniforms, that feeling was simply indescribable. And to be wearing it in public could only intensify that feeling. Sadly, the public viewed it differently as they often left my buddies and I an entire train carriage to ourselves. 

Aside from pride, it has also given me courage many times over. Courage is not the absence of fear, it is the presence of that that brings it about. Without fear, there can be no courage. It all happens in a split second when we decide a situation is either a flight of fight. Often, I had chose the situation to be the latter. Sadly, it's often so difficult these days for me to choose the situation to be that of a fight. I shall overcome this. 

That said, I still remember clearly what happened on the 12th of February 2007. 28 of us we situated on a hill to fight off a sizable enemy. What we thought was a 100 men turned out to be at least 4 times more of our assumption. But we held on to the very last man; to the very last bullet. 

We eventually took revenge by capturing the entire 400 off guard. We won. We ruled the day and we conquered the night. It may have been just another exercise. But we fought hard. We weren't going to give up. That was when that I knew, that we were all a unit. 

Felt good to tell that story. But what does my 2 years mean to me?  Well, I picked up a lot of skills which I still use till this day. I am the unbeatable contender in my own unit. I picked up smoking, which really helped me in making loads of friends. Alas, I have stopped. And I am not making sense in any way right now. Seriously, this writing is not coherent at all. My kind is a jungle right now. 

Reveille 0530hrs

It's almost a week since my last reservist and slowly everything is back to where it was. It was a hectic 1 week with little sleep but yet, I was bounding from one issue to another with boundless amount of energy. It is something I love to do- soldiering.To be able to run from bound to bound, buildings to buildings just to fight.

By the time we captured the objective, day 4 of reservist, I was running on empty. I had nothing left in me. So I took a moment from all that chaos to just slump against a wall and just zone out. I used to have a cigarette lit up in those moments but since last December, I decided against that. The temptation to do so, however, was very strong. Yet, despite zoning out, I had to fight that urge even though I am already running on empty.

It was in that moment that I realized that I had so much more left- athletes call it 'second wind'. That is when you realize that if you dug deeper, you realize that you can actually push even more. It is reaching a whole new level for yourself. So after I found my 'second wind', I got up and decided to do what I do best, boss around the company. That bossing around got everyone food, drinks and some more energy that they'd require to get them back home quickly.

On a side note, I guess my efforts got recognized as I was given a medal for it. No parade, no ceremonies, no walking up on stage- just my RSM walking up to me and passing it to me discreetly. That is what we are all about I guess, to do good for the betterment of others and seek that as a reward in itself. The medal was just an affirmation that someone had recognized my effort. I was truly overjoyed and I showed it through my stoic expression.

As we parted ways, some of the men told me, "See you next year Encik/Sergeant/ Sergeant Major/ Fadzil/etc". I can't help to feel like I wouldn't. Past few cycles I had men coming up to say that to me. Yet the ones that do, don't quite make it back to the next reservist. They are only with us in spirit as we remember them by their valiant and courageous actions that I have personally observed. God has decided that they have did all the good that they had to do on earth and it was simply time for them to come back home.

I guess the one that I remember the most was the one guy who was in my platoon back in my old unit. We hugged as we parted ways - a private and a Sergeant, both Singaporean sons. We promised each other that we will meet again during our reservist days knowing that that is how the system works. I told him to take good care of himself and his parents. He told me likewise. However, after a semester in school almost 9 months later, I found out that he has passed away. People saw the bad in him- robbing, drugs, etc. However, all I saw was a soul that simply needed to saved. His parents health was robbed and his family was failing. He simply needed an escape. Everyone does.

May his soul rest in peace.

We are the few that do so much for the many. 

I just dreamt that I met my grandfather. I woke up crying. I didn't realize how much I miss him. It's been so many years and I wasn't even thinking about anything before going to bed. 

In my dream, my dad met my grandfather too. He looked extremely delighted when he go to meet him. I've never seen him smile like that before- one that's not holding back any pain but one that is pure joy. 

Clarity

The balancing board. It's the time of the day, or perhaps week, where I find my mind drifting away into the abyss. I think of nothing and nothing was thought of me. 

My mind is clear and my heart pure. The mind is at ease while the body is all tensed up. I can feel the heart beating slowly, blood flowing through my veins. I feel at peace with myself once again. 

For my woes are merely monetary in nature. They have always been.

After doing all the calculations I think I have to stick to being just the normal guy for now. 

Europe. Birthday. Hari raya. Car. Why do you all just have to come together?

Aimless

I really feel like doing something worthwhile in my life. Something that I'd be known for- like MMA or biker or cyclist, something really! 

I used to the rugby guy. Now, I'm just the guy who goes to the gym and well, the operations executive. This is not what I want. 

It's just that, I don't think I am able to afford to do so right now. Money wise that is. 

Lot noi day mai?

Finally am able to break away from work which is getting rather monotonous. Ironically however, my job requires me to handle a variety of situations- keyword being variety. Basically I am to "unfuck" the fuck-up.

Krabi has been rather dull to say the least. The first day was mostly spent with a bit of walking around with the first hour seeing me doing the walking by myself along AoNang (also known as Ao Phra Nang). The flight here has been rather eventful with a terrible turbulence hitting us on the landing. Hitting a turbulence on the flight is one thing; hitting one during the landing is actually rather disastrous. Most of the flight accidents are due to planes hitting some sort of a turbulence either during take off or landing- according to nat geo anyway.

But other than that, I feel the heavy burden of the "responsible one" especially during this trip. Playing tour guide means that I am the one who has to know where we are, where we would be going, what we're going to do, when we're going to do it and how we're going to get there to do it. Suffice to say, it feels just like I am actually on a mission, not a holiday. Guess there aren't much perks about growing up when you're the "responsible one".

Turning 26 is actually quite a daunting, freeing yet depressing task. Even though it happened about 4 months ago, I am still haunted by the thoughts of it happening. The only coping mechanism that I have is that it has already happened and that I should try to forget that it has actually happened. I just try to live my day by shrugging off the fact that there are many implications resting heavily on my shoulders. Implications- more like responsibilities.

At this age, I am nowhere near marrying. Even though chubs has been quite worried about it, marriage is the last thing on my mind right now. Right now, I am more concerned about getting to do things that I haven't got to do during my youth- things that chubs has already done. Perhaps this is why I am a late bloomer and sooner or later, she is going to get frustrated with the wait as she is already into the next phase of life. I am still at least one phase behind. Perhaps that is why girls rather go for older guys- they seem to match up in the phases of life. Well, that is a rather worrying thought to say the least.

Somehow in this disaster I call life, it does have its moments. Moments come fleeting by when I am out doing random things- something that majority of the people I know find hard to appreciate. Chubs, you are included. But yes, though that screams disorganization in my life, that is the basis of how life is organized- a series of random events which somehow creates a coherence if you are willing to let it. We often fight that and try to make life as how we want it to be and if it doesn't, we are quick to judge it as being incoherent.

Alas, when we step into the world of another it is all going to seem extremely incoherent very quickly. But the avid traveler will know better than to judge- they immerse themselves into the brand new world. Instead of judging, they appreciate and attempt to understand. Sure a shoe might be too big to walk in at first- but that is why we are given this god-given talent called growing. A big shoe can be good because it leaves us room to grow. But one cannot immediately start running it in after putting it on- you'll just end up with blisters that will scar you for life. Instead, slowly walk in it and feel the space within. Even after growing we find that it is still a tad too big for us, that's when we get thicker socks. Socks are the aids that helps us fit into the shoe better.

On a different note, I discovered that I might be someone who's an avoidant affectionate. There are 3 types- the other two are securely affectionate and devoid affectionate. What does this mean to be an avoidant affectionate? Well, it simply means that any rage that I feel, any protests towards an external being or event simply gets suppressed. More to come on this fact as soon as I am better aware of what it all means.

Till then, it feels good to be writing again. Writing for the sake of pleasure. These days, I have been writing way too much reports.

Relationships

People don't develop first and create relationships. People are born into relationships-with parents, with ancestors- and those relationships create people. 

A blast from the past

This is an extract, well, the whole report really, of the RNR I had while I was in Taiwan. Don't mind the grammar because even as I read it, I do get embarrassed. That was the 19 year old me, when I was still what I had wanted to be all my life. I still do.

This report is written by Cpl Fadzil of Echo Coy, Pl 3, Sect 3. RnR was fun while it lasted. 3 days of organized tours to a museum, three theme parks and 2 cultural landmarks had been educational, thrilling and fulfilling.
 The first stop was quite draggy since everyone was sent to a place nobody wanted to be at. 921 Earthquake Museum. Nobody really saw the point of coming to an earthquake site since it wasn’t relevant to our context. However, it got interesting when we saw what was there. I don’t think none of the trainees ever experienced or much less saw an earthquake before. So, we got a little bit intrigued from the pictures and the comments written below. Boring? Definitely! But it was also definitely an eye opener to us all. We should consider just how lucky we all are to not having an earthquake in Singapore.
 Lunch afterwards was delightful. Scrumptious hot lunch! It was supposed to be followed by a boring visit to some cultural village. 3 painful hours at some cultural village. Well, that’s what we thought. We were proved wrong! It turned out to be an amusement park of some sort with really scary rides. Never in my life had I scared myself so badly. It was so thrilling that screaming was futile. I was screaming till I couldn’t scream anymore. A ride that lasted no longer than 30 seconds felt like forever while you were on it.  The Mayan Adventure; the first real rollercoaster ride in my life. There were also a few other scary rides but none was as scary as the UFO. 100m ascend up the tower somewhere up in the mountains followed by a 5 seconds hang before you free fall your way back to earth only to be saved by a fully functional braking mechanism. Balls-to-the-throat action! After that, it was a cold dinner followed by shopping at Shillin Night Market.
 The next two days were routine with 2 visits a day to places like Ocean world, Martyrs Shrine, Chiang Kai-Shek Shrine, some theme park whose name I forgot because it was too boring and Leofoo Safari Park.  Lots of different food to try, lots of things to see because whatever we saw and experienced there simply cannot be experienced in Singapore. Best food ever tasted was the BBQ squid in sesame oil and seed. It tasted like nothing on earth. Simply the best! Best ride? It definitely has to be the Mayan Adventure. So scary that I had to ride it 2 more times. Okay, after the second time, it just made me dizzy. Didn’t really feel scared afterwards. Moreover, the other rides that I took at all the other theme parks weren’t as scary as the Mayan Adventure.
 Besides the places that we went to, we also had free time to go shopping at night. The most happening place would have to be Xinmenting. Girls to see. Things to buy. Food to taste. That’s what every shopping experience should be like. But I got a lot of things from Shilin Night Market because it was cheaper there and we can bargain like nobody’s business.
 Our tour guide, Jass, made the bus ride between each place interesting. Otherwise, we would have been bored out of our skulls. Doing nothing but watching a bit of the movie that was being played in the bus before dozing off.
 Well, that is all I have to say about the 3 days organized tour during our RNR.

It's not about how you feel about that person. It's about how that person makes you feel about yourself.

A story. A man fires a rifle for many years. and he goes to war. And afterwards he comes home, and he sees that whatever else he may do with his life - build a house, love a woman, change his son's diaper - he will always remain a jarhead. And all the jarheads killing and dying, they will always be me. We are still in the desert.

Last night I dreamt about doing some of the things that I want. Play tennis, go for a beach vacation at this really beautiful beach, went dirt biking and hanging out with good company. But most importantly, I my dream, I could actually breath.

I'm so far gone now, I've been running on empty

Nowadays my favorite thing to do is to go to the gym and stand on the balancing board for a long time. I do nothing but stand perfectly still while trying to find balance. My mind clears up and I actually feel at peace. Whenever a thought comes to my head, any thoughts, I'd lose my balance.

I like it - standing perfectly still doing absolutely nothing n

I still see them, all of them. Falling in for first parade in front of the company line. Everyone so young with their full lives ahead of them. Although they can't wait for the next book out, all they could think about right there and then is about each other.

The jostling, the jokes, the suffering, the pain, the joys, the glory- I could still see all of that in them. Every single one of them.