Do you know how much i hate myself right now for not be able to do something which im doing right now years ago? Why didnt i? Gutless? Probably. So probably im full of guts now? Perhaps. God noes...

How i hate myself for being able to figure things out before things are said. And even worse that im able to figure it out correctly...how do i do it? I have no idea...somehow i am able to do it...effortlessly too. Crap. Sorry if i dont seem to react when im told...i have already reacted.

It takes effort for me to show emotions. Emotionless. I rarely get angry. I never got sad. I never cried. I try not to. Shows where im weak. And ego is a terrible monster that fights with emotions. I never cried when my cousin passed away. I never cried when my grandma passed on. I never cried nor felt sad not even a tinge when i found out that it was somebody i knew who died in that tragic incident. And death is something that someone would cry for coz that person wont be coming back...ever.

Perhaps its all the conditioning that ive gotten ever since young. The terrible trainings and all. The fear that's being taught to be suppressed. FEar. The key to all emotions. FEar of death. Fear of losing something. FEar of unknown. Fear if what you might noe. The sum of all fears.

How do you go about doing something when every corner, ever option is a restriction. Do you play the game? Do you come out of the game and umpire it instead, making your own rules as you go on just so that you can win it? We'll see how it goes...time to call in some favors. Guys if you're reading, i might be calling you guys soon enough....

Just so you know....

While waiting for my sayang to tell me that she's awake and ready...i wasted time away on friendster. Ya...its the place that people waste their time away...in a good sort of way. I was reading all the testimonials and comments that ive gotten over the years. Seems like JC was really the best 2 years of my life. Probably....i rmb the fun i had. Yeah....FUN! Funny Unorthodox Nonsense.

Hmm...sure had a lot of friends back then. And sayang...if only you knew my friends, u would have a totally different impression of jc students. True that the whole elitism thing exists in JCs...but they quickly get dissed off by people like me and my friends. I think my JC is more like a kampong JC of some sort...hahaha.

Wished i had made more friends back then. But ya...still quite happy with the friends that i actually have. I will never trade those 2 years for anything else. Thx for the memories guys. Stay cool and hope that someday somehow, we'd be reunited to save the world.....err...ya. Hehs.

Well, this is it. My last entry(somehow it feels like it) before i go for my Platoon Sargeant Course. Sucks big time man...A month ago, i would have taken things differently. But now, it seems that the world has been un-skewed. Yeap. Un-skwed. Ya i know that there's no such word but thats how i can only describe things for now. Un-Skewed.

A month ago, i was an eager beaver for this course. Well, for one my ROA is guarenteed even though im just serving my liability years. And yes, it actually excites me to go for this course. Hell, i wanted to take on Airborne, Ranger or any other fuck course the SAF can offer. Truth be told, i wanted to join the British Paras as a ghurka since i dont see much that i can do or have in Singapore. Well, that was my mentality months ago. Things are quite different now.

How can things be different? They say that when people fall in love, they lose track of what they really want. Why? Coz they cant think properly bla bla bla. FYI, im very very rationale at doing things. No matter what. You can never anyone else being so cool and clear minded after commiting a fucking serious offence in the army. Yeap, that's me. =) So am i thinking rationally now? Hell yeah! Now, i just hate what im doing. I hate what im going to do for the nxt six weeks. And i hate the fact that for this is going to last for the next 7 months or so. Ever since i left DB, things have changed. For the better. A fucking whole lot better i must say!

Yeap, there happens to be a girl in this story. Not ashamed to admit that. Why? Coz im truly in love with this one. Life has never been better. And im not being hypocritcal about it. Im being very very sincere about what ive been saying. Hell, ive been sincere about what ive been writing in this portal! And me not wanting to do what ive been dying to do months ago....im sacrificing it all. Why? Coz they dont matter much to me now anymore. It used to. But now, there's someone who matters to me more than anything i could possible procure in this world. Ranger, Airborne, Jungle Confidence....ya sure they could make me a highly decorated soldier...but for what it's worth, i'd rather spend more time with my sayang.

Haiz...i just wish the next 6 weeks would just zoom on by. 6 weeks of pure mental, physical and emotional torture. For the next 6 weeks, im being refrained from feeling....just like how one expects a soldier to be. Im expected to execute orders, carry out orders and give orders without remorse, without guilt....without being lovesick. Cant help it though....just cant help it. Can try to minimize it....but that's all i can do...

Everything sucks when you're gone....