Something's are just better off unknown/unseen/unnoticed/undiscovered.
Lately, I can't help but to feel like a shell of my former glory. There used to be so many things to look forward to. But as I progressed through life, dreams and hope just unravels itself from one disappointment to another. What I had hoped for, what I had dreamed for was never achieved. Perhaps it's the lack of drive from within. Perhaps it's the lack of support. One thing for sure is that I've been beaten by several external factors to the point that it is impossible to stand up again.
Age is catching up. At 25, I am already experiencing a mid-life crisis.
Friday, September 21, 2012
Thursday, September 20, 2012
Because I've seen things that I don't believe
"Quaere verum" has probably applied to my life more than anything else. It's Latin for seek the truth. Right now at work, I feel like I'm just doing it for the money. For an entry level job, I dare say that the money is decent with a bonus that is so obscene that it's got everyone talking. Well, that "everyone" is mostly referring to those who didn't get the job. I'm actually quite surprised that there are those who didn't get this job. But anyway, I guess the only reason why I do keep going back to work is because it's something resembles what I went through in NS- aside from all the outfield exercises as what nots that is.
By now, I would have digressed so much that it doesn't even make sense why I had what I had in the first sentence. Just thought that i needed some update on myself since its been a very long time since I've written anything here.
Well, aren't we all seeking for the truth? Sometimes, the truth can be staring right in our faces but yet we deny it's existence especially because of what we have been exposed for as long as we have lived. The truth doesn't lie in facts- it lies on who tells them and how it is told. As a result, a blatant lie could also be a truth if told in a believable manner.
We humans have a funny way of dealing with things that are far too profound for our comprehension. And so we simplify it to small bites in which would not always do us any good. It's the convenience of thoughts that gets to us the most. Right now, if you were to think of what it would be like for us to not have existed, I bet that it would make you extremely agitated. I know I would because it has been so. People who have been locked up in pitch black for even an hour have been know to not come out being mentally sound anymore. I can attest to that. So can many others who can attest to me not being mentally sound as well.
Somebody once asked me this question, "what drives you?". I couldn't figure it out then but after an hour of blabbering about my experiences, it slowly dawned on me that it is actually anger that drives me. The need to proves others wrong has been as strong as my desire to seek the truth.
All my life, I've had people who keep telling me that I'll never amount to much. Well, right now, I think I have never quite amount to much but it's definitely a lot more that they can ever thought of. Perhaps this is the reason why I am strongly against the idea of becoming a teacher- I hate them for thinking so fucking lowly of me. Well, amongst all those who have thought me, only 2 have became an exception to the grudge that I hold- my sec 4 form teacher as well as my Fyp supervisor. Aside from teachers, I've been slowly proven a lot of people wrong, mainly family and friends. That's kind of one reason why I trust strangers more than people I know- because if they don't keep to their word, I'll just provide for them a retribution so nasty that they dare not think of not keeping to their word.
That aside, anger has been the primary driver all my life. It drives me. But it's not always good- especially when I can't do anything about things but to pent it all up. And when that happens, all it takes is just one trigger and that's when the whole firework will start. Sadly, nobody gets spared. The moment of oppression, of not being to express my thoughts or feelings or basically whatever is upsetting me is definitely not the way to remain in my good books. That's just how I am and that's just how things are.
But back to seeing the truth. We are always seeking the truth. Sometimes we find it; most of the time we think we have found it. Just because everyone else we know think that it is doesn't mean that we should too. Just as my late history teacher once told me, "cross reference EVERYTHING! History isn't just history- it is his-story. It matters who tells what happens because everyone will inject some sort of emotion into it just to make themselves look good". With that, I left JC with the desire to seek facts based on the many stories told by everyone.
By now, I would have digressed so much that it doesn't even make sense why I had what I had in the first sentence. Just thought that i needed some update on myself since its been a very long time since I've written anything here.
Well, aren't we all seeking for the truth? Sometimes, the truth can be staring right in our faces but yet we deny it's existence especially because of what we have been exposed for as long as we have lived. The truth doesn't lie in facts- it lies on who tells them and how it is told. As a result, a blatant lie could also be a truth if told in a believable manner.
We humans have a funny way of dealing with things that are far too profound for our comprehension. And so we simplify it to small bites in which would not always do us any good. It's the convenience of thoughts that gets to us the most. Right now, if you were to think of what it would be like for us to not have existed, I bet that it would make you extremely agitated. I know I would because it has been so. People who have been locked up in pitch black for even an hour have been know to not come out being mentally sound anymore. I can attest to that. So can many others who can attest to me not being mentally sound as well.
Somebody once asked me this question, "what drives you?". I couldn't figure it out then but after an hour of blabbering about my experiences, it slowly dawned on me that it is actually anger that drives me. The need to proves others wrong has been as strong as my desire to seek the truth.
All my life, I've had people who keep telling me that I'll never amount to much. Well, right now, I think I have never quite amount to much but it's definitely a lot more that they can ever thought of. Perhaps this is the reason why I am strongly against the idea of becoming a teacher- I hate them for thinking so fucking lowly of me. Well, amongst all those who have thought me, only 2 have became an exception to the grudge that I hold- my sec 4 form teacher as well as my Fyp supervisor. Aside from teachers, I've been slowly proven a lot of people wrong, mainly family and friends. That's kind of one reason why I trust strangers more than people I know- because if they don't keep to their word, I'll just provide for them a retribution so nasty that they dare not think of not keeping to their word.
That aside, anger has been the primary driver all my life. It drives me. But it's not always good- especially when I can't do anything about things but to pent it all up. And when that happens, all it takes is just one trigger and that's when the whole firework will start. Sadly, nobody gets spared. The moment of oppression, of not being to express my thoughts or feelings or basically whatever is upsetting me is definitely not the way to remain in my good books. That's just how I am and that's just how things are.
But back to seeing the truth. We are always seeking the truth. Sometimes we find it; most of the time we think we have found it. Just because everyone else we know think that it is doesn't mean that we should too. Just as my late history teacher once told me, "cross reference EVERYTHING! History isn't just history- it is his-story. It matters who tells what happens because everyone will inject some sort of emotion into it just to make themselves look good". With that, I left JC with the desire to seek facts based on the many stories told by everyone.
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