It's been really quite awhile since I've written anything here. It's not that there's nothing to write about- there's plenty! Perhaps its because each time I think of something to write, I am in no capacity to do so; not that I am drunk or anything. Even my grandma has commented on how "busy" I am- always rushing from one place to another and from one thing to another. I guess it's kind of hard to find me sitting still but when I do, I'd have to get off my ass and get on with something because somebody else wants to do something. So chilling and having nothing to do is really a luxury which I would like to spend with another soul. Unfortunately, that is too boring as many would have done that alread by the time I am free.
A visit to Bandung has resulted in positive time to spend with my parents. Just the three of us (albeit in a tour group) and me having an entire room with a king-sized bed all to myself. I could literally sleep in any way I like and dress in any way I like. Most of the time, I wasn't even wearing anything. That felt sort of liberating really. That aside (seriously, stop thinking about how I look like inside my room!) I was presented with such clarity. That was all sorts of realizations came about- my age, my parents' age, my life and where it was heading, how my parents' life has been like. Time and again, I do think about such things. In fact, there are times I that "sneak out" in the middle of the night to my old neighborhood (it's a 10 minutes drive/ride away) to just sit there and think about things. At this point, some of you might find me a bit weird to do such things but yes, I do do such things to wind down without having to worry about encroaching on other people's life/time.
This is very typical of me to stray off from what I was writing about. Back to the story. So...during an escalator ride in one of the factory outlets, I caught myself staring at my dad. In my mind, I thought about how old this man has gotten. I used to look up to him but havent ever since Sec 2- but that was because I outgrew him in terms of height. Lately, I feel as though I am more of an equal than his child. Instead of believing everything he tells me like I used to, I challenge him. And I am talking about the plethora of topics we both have. That does not usually happen at home because more often than not, my elder brother will just insert some idiotic comment which inevitably incur my wrath.
Same thing happened with my mom. This was the woman who gave birth to me; who fed me (very little and thats how I became an underweight kid from an interesting huge and heavy baby). I used to do everything this woman tells me. In my mind, she knew everything. But overseas trip has shown that she does not know how to bargain. Each time she gets ripped off, her only excuse was that she pitied the person. My only response to her was that I'd rather she pity herself as she was getting ripped off.
Things became clearer when my parents behaved really child-like during a cultural performance- in a good way that they immensely enjoyed themselves. First, my mom kept irritating this performer who happened to be a fat girl with a really loud voice. Eventually, my dad joined in the fun and kept shouting "mok!" every time she came on stage. And then, it was a mass angklung performance where my mom and my dad participated enthusiastically! To think that I thought they were this stern parents when I was growing up.
We all grew up thinking that our parents are boring and they will never be as cool as us. Somewhere, I've read that the only reason they became boring was because they had to work to take care of us, to pay the bills, to keep that shelter above our heads and to make sure that we have enough to eat all the time. One should never think of how uncool or boring their parents are. Their sacrifices for us have been immense! In fact, each time I think of a way to repay them for what they have done for me and my brothers, I feel overwhelmed. Guess I shall take it in my own stride.
I do hope that I am not too late in taking the opportunity to savor every moment that I get with them before God decides that he loves them more than I do and decide to them them away. We all went through that stage in life where we always hated our parents at some sort of an extent. That stage was known as our teenage years. I know of friends who have missed their chance to be able to savor what I do.
At the age of 25, I still do not know what I'll do without my parents. It's really a mix of emotions that I get. As we get older, we make drastic attempts to turn back time- to be young again. I do not know why I was so eager to grow up only to find myself trying to be a kid again when I do. It's a contradiction. I wish somebody would have told me that there's no rush in growing old.
So I have graduated. After about 15 years of education, I am finally not able to use the excuse of "school" as a way to escape the presence of my parents as well as my siblings. I guess that's how life is like- the older we are, the faster time goes by.
But amidst it all, I am eternally grateful to have found someone would seems to have connected my past, present and future together into a singularity. Each moment spent with chubs is a great one. Well, I dont know why I said that because it's too damn cheesy. Perhaps because when you've finally found someone that is able to do that for you, the connection bit, well, I suppose you are set! The arguments and the quarreling especially from the petty stuff just blurs out into the background when you look at the bigger picture of things.
I can imagine how it must have felt for my parents more than 28 years ago before they got married. I am now, in their shoes.
While we are growing up, our parents are growing old.
I realize some of my thoughts are not well represented. Somehow, they all seemed better in my head.
