so tell me...how it ends...

Time check: 0238hrs. I am supposed to be asleep right now but my brain decided that it needs to devour some sort of information before it can rest. So here I am writing and reading about public policy at the same time.

Hari Raya is one of the most awkward days for me. It's supposed to be a day of celebration (after a month of fasting) as well as forgiveness(or rather, the seeking of it). For me, the moment that I get to do whatever the hell I want when the sun is still up is enough of a celebration. For the forgiveness part, I still find it very awkward since I am asking for forgiveness from relatives of which I have never met before in my life(or I don't remember as claimed by my parents) or I have not done anything wrong to them. Some might take the latter wrongly because all to often, people think that I have always wronged them even though I feel I haven't. Maybe I have...well according to them anyway.

The only thing that I can bring with me with each year of celebrations is that how old everyone is getting. My parents as well as their siblings look really old. My parents look really tired lately. Dad looked especially tired today and even though he did just pull a night shift doesn't help to explain much. What I do take from their shagged faces is that they are getting tired taking care of me and my brothers. Trust me, nurturing three boys is such a handful especially when you have siblings like mine around. My elder brother is short of medical retardness while my younger brother is nothing short of pure demanding. Everything he wants he gets. As for me, I am nothing short of a magic act- always disappearing.In fact, that magic act took its height in 2006 as I was in Taiwan for Hari Raya that year. I can still remember how my mom made me cry over the phone as I wished her Selamat Hari Raya over the phone. It was her fault since she started crying first. I guess she really has a strong character in a sense that she tries to hide her emotions. The fact that she does it so well can only show how strong she is. So, that year, despite trying to hide from me the fact that she misses me really badly, she failed. Well, everyone has the right to fail sometimes. I guess, the I have inherited that from her- hiding of emotions. It does get me from point A to point B pretty efficiently sometimes.

I still cannot get over the fact how old everyone is getting. My parents are already past their 50s. I remember about 10 years ago, I never wanted that to happen. My dad's side has never really made it through to their 60s so naturally, I am worried too. Who wouldn't be right? I just pray to god that he doesn't take my parents away before I get the chance to take care of them. They have taken such good care of me that it has come to the point that I just want to tell them to stop doing it. But I guess it's all parental instincts- wanting to take care of their children- acting up.

What my mom said to me, and my brothers a couple of nights ago when we were breaking fast really struck a chord with me. It goes along the line of that it doesn't matter if either she, or dad, doesn't really get to eat much as long as her kids are fully satisfied with what they can provide. It really reaffirms my goal of wanting to take care of them to the grave. And so, I am re-stating this again: once I've saved enough, the first thing I want to do for them is to send them on the Hajj. Never mind if I have to compromise on somethings in order to accomplish that. It is the least I can do. I know my brothers will not be able to fulfill that seeing how my elder brother will probably never be able to earn enough for himself and how my baby brother will never figure out what to do with his life. That shall go into my bucket list. Wait! It already is...

Nobody is really afraid of dying. They are just afraid that they have not done enough before they die

Maybe I'm your Mr.Right...

I am supposed to be asleep right now thanks to work yet I am still up cramming something that is relatively new to well, NTU really. Plus, I am not as tired as I should be right now. Perhaps it is due to the lack of activity I've had today.

On the bright side, I have managed to narrow down to 2 topics for my Graduation Project. Suffice to say, I am rather psyched about it. Unfortunately, I have only a weekend to teach myself the Sociology of Work. I wonder why the school never saw it as an important topic seeing that majority of us might end up in the private sector presumably in HR or PR.

I guess it pretty much of me wanting to do everything. That kinda landed me the nickname "King" from my team as I practically did everything once I took up captainship of the team. Luckily, things have been pretty good on that side of life because since I became captain we finally managed to win the championship last season. Besides that, this is the first time we actually have enough people to form at least 3 teams of 15s. Let's hope it won't be the typical pattern as the season goes along where numbers actually dwindle as the new boys see that it is actually very very hard to compete for a starting position. It doesn't help that I am now at the bottom rung. I guess it gives me all the more reason to train and leave the captainship nonsense to before and after training.

On the other side of things, while people keep stuff for nostalgia sake, I have my music. Music has also been a huge part of my life. Besides the fact that I can't play the guitar for nuts- save for a few songs- it really affects me in every way. Each song represents a different chapter of my life, each music can be used in different ways. Just before my goddamn injury, I actually used Muse as running music. I guess it's pretty easy as I simply sync my footsteps to the drumbeats. Maybe I should switch to trance/techno for that. That ought to get me really fit real quick.

I guess I really got lucky with the choices of modules I am taking this semester. Besides having a course that teaches me how to argue really well aka fake it till you make it, I am also learning the ropes of civil service as well as how to deal with a crisis. Things couldn't get much more interesting as that. Somehow, I feel that the modules that I have been taking are channeling me into a certain job or a certain role in some organization. It would really help if I was taking them with familiar faces. For the past couple of years, I have been practically drifting from one group of people to another. I guess that helps as I meet a wide range of people from all over the globe. Today, I had a chinaboy asking me if I was in VJC since he found me really familiar. On other instances, I have people coming up to me and ask me where I was. I am pretty much as surprised as they are when I told them that I am really a Singaporean. In fact, sometimes it takes a lot of convincing for them to believe me. Thankfully, they nobody has associated me to some third world country like Indonesia, Malaysia or maybe further up north like Indochina. I never really got a chance to ask them where they thought I was from. Maybe I should mess with people's mind in the future and see where they actually thought I was from. That ought to be fun.

will you still love me tomorrow...

We're going down down...

Today only reaffirmed how shitty things are actually for me. 2011, an odd year, is supposed to be a good one for me. I know it all sounds nonsesical with all my warped up logic but it can be emprically proven.

In 2001, my school actually won the Novice championship. Ok...so it's just the novice championship but nevertheless, for a bunch of guys who have only picked up rugby only the year before and got our asses whooped into super smooth smoothies in 2000, I dare say that we did a pretty decent job. Besides being the ones to dish out the ass-whooping this time around, I was also the top scorer for the team...maybe even for the whole tournament. In the first game of the tournament alone, I scored a total of 32 points in a game where we trashed the opponent 99-0. They closed down the rugby team soon after the tournament ended. 32 points which included 5 tries and 3 conversions. Besides that, I was scoring an average of 2 tries for each game throughout that season. To add on to all that, I even passed all my subjects (the ones that I really care about anyway) without even studying for any of it.

2003 was another year where I managed to do my O levels without studying a single bit. Well, I tried to but till now, my revision for Biology has proved futile as I have managed to cover a grand total of 1 chapter before sitting for the paper itself. To top that, I even managed to complete a game throughout the entire examination period. 2005 was another instance where I managed to pull through without studying too much for it. I was still enjoying my rugby with my club all the way till the weekend just before my first A level paper. And the only reason I stopped was also because it was already the fasting month and I hate waiting for time to break fast after 2 full of hours of ass-whooping/ass-whooped.

Training just now reminded me how I have actually been relegated to nothingness. All those years of hard work gone down the drain in an instance. It literally did. The day before the injury, I was doing 120kg deadlifts as well as 40kg high-pulls. And I do not take the weight of the bar into consideration unlike most pansies who claimed that the weight of the bar matters.

As I was sidelined, I wondered about how different things might have been if it wasn't for the damn injury. This shit is permanent. I am not as fast as I used to be neither am I so quick and domineering on the field as I used to be. For those who might know me well enough, rugby is the thing that matters to me the most. It is the only love of my life that has not failed me...until now. Slowly I am working my way in. Sadly, I am once again the underdog. Then again, it is the underdogs that hungers the most for a fight. That's why going to the gym with the boys is really frustrating as they only know how to complain about how crazy I am with the exercises. I guess, nobody else wants it as much as I do.

Nobody can really understand why it is so hard for me to trust others. After all, to trust is to be vulnerable as well because in order for you to trust, you have to be open as well. But wouldn't it really suck for you to think that you are able to trust someone so much but then once you are all comfy and settled it, you get the rug pulled from underneath you. It is the instance that you are airborne from that sudden force that makes you think why should you really trust anyone anymore. Like the world's greatest band once said, "to trust you must confess". Sadly, it doesn't always work in your favor.

Fuck, nothing has ever worked in my favor before. NOTHING. As far as I am concerned, it has always been the case of ifyouwantitcomeandgetit. True that having enough drive to do something helps but we all do get tired of being the driver sometimes- that's why we take the cab, that's why sometimes, I'd rather become the passenger. But then, we can never truly relax as a passenger if there is no trust in the driver. And that trust goes both ways.

Lately, I can't help but to feel that whatever happened since 2009 is going to happen again. This fuckign sucks because it really took me a very long time to get over it all. True it might seem much to many others. Then again, many others probably do not really give a damn about it all since they have their own shit to settle. After all, whether your a student or a worker, you still have your own problems to worry about- just that shit comes in varying forms.

fuck this shit

When you tell me I'm a wreck

It has come to the point that I feel that nobody really gives a damn about me. Even if they said they do or did, the fact remains that I still feel that they do not REALLY give a damn about me. It just feels that everyday, I am going around trying to make them happy even though more than not, sometimes it causes the opposite reaction when I never had it intended to begin with.

The word "understanding" or "patience" or basically anything along those lines really irks me out now. It feels like the more I adhere to those words the more I am getting trampled on. It really makes me feel like being kind really is a sign of weakness. After all, it's really all the stupid dicks in the world who have been getting things done their way. Life for me has always been one that is reactionary. Most of the time, I am just waiting for things to happen. Then there are other times that I don't even know what has happened.

It really seems like the nicer your try to be to someone the more they try to take advantage of the situation. I guess no one will ever understand that even though I do not show it sometimes or most of time, I do give a damn about you. Make it two, maybe three or more. Bottom line is, I do. Sadly, that sometimes isn't enough for some people especially for those in their selfish pursuits. Well, some might disagree that it is selfish because that can be very subjective as well. At the end of the day, only the highest order can judge us...he did create us all to begin with. Who am I to judge after all right?

Speaking of which, everyone has a past they would want to cover up. That everyone includes me. The reason why they feel that way is because they do not like to feel judge. Hell, who likes to feel that way even if they do that all the time because it might be part of their job or well, simply anything. Sometimes we do share it with those whom we think we can trust or those whom we think won't judge. But then, it's always a human tendency to judge. Always is. Then again, that itself is somewhat a paradox because for thinking that someone might judge us is to be judging them too. So to even bring that part up is really futile because no matter what we do or say, we will always be judge. The only difference is the intensity as well as the angle that we are being judge from.

So yup, that basically sums up what has been happening over the last few days. Even when it seems like I don't, I still give a damn. My actions might not necessarily reflect how I feel. Because for me, I don't practice what I preach because I do not preach what I practice. For me, it's never about show and tell except when it is really necessary. Sometimes, it is about the reaffirmation of somethings that requires you to do something in the full view of that someone you actually give a damn about. But that's not what I am about to do because that's just plain wayang. It is all about the conscience that you have- if you do something you must never expect anything in return. Then again, if something is wanted, not even the heavens or hell should prove to be enough of an obstacle to prevent you from going all out to get it. At the end of the day, what is wanted will be received as long as the heart is clear.

Throw down some smack downs

I believe I have delivered the best analogy ever this morning during class. Analogies being analogies, they have to be anal to deliver the point. Well, I'm not really sure what made me say it but me saying "After you shit, do you use clean toilet paper or toilet paper that already has shit on it?" surely delivered the effect desired.

What a way to open up on things especially when I have been away for a month. I guess it has been sort of a drought for me as whatever comes to mind usually comes in the form of angst. So, in the spirit of "If-you-have-nothing-good-to-say-then-you-better-not-say-it", it all usually disappears through, well, abuse really. Hours of gym, a lot of running- physical pain really. After all that, nothing really matters. Aside from the immense satisfaction that I get after hours of "abuse" (mainly because of the shitloads of endorphins being produced by my body), being able to manifest pain in any form into a physical one actually helps because you know how to actually deal with it. This is actually why people slit their wrist. Those who jump down from tall buildings actually had skydiving in their bucket list but couldn't afford to do it properly so it's really a might-as-well kind of thing.

"I hope you understand" has become sort of overrated for me. Sometimes I wish I really wasn't that understanding really. But I guess this selflessness is innate. Well, not really innate but inculcated into me by years and years of training. Yup..training- not education, not socialization, not because of the way my parents brought me up. I am talking about being taught every single way to fight since I was young. While muscle memory has faded, my mind is still well attuned to perform those awesome moves that you can see in the movies. The only difference is because my body is not used to it, I tend to do it a lot slower...so slow that you would probably be done with lunch by the time I have executed a move. Any move.

Back from digressing, so yup. That's what I get from everyone day in day out. Sometimes, I wonder why I bother. Being captain doesn't explain it because I have always been for the team. In fact, I need a lot of good reasons for me to skip training. It has always been team first. Well, it used to be mission first...god I miss "mission first". Perhaps it's due to my protective nature. I don't know if my team knows or even appreciates what I do for them. Well, that doesn't matter because at the end of the day, we did win the championship last year. Let's see if we are able to hoist the trophy up again under my leadership.

I miss it when times were much simpler