World without crutches is one which is way much better than anything else. For me, walking has a much different flavour now. To many, this is insignificant but for those who have went through what I am going through right now, they'd understand.
So far, I have been called many different names. My mom has lovingly called me robocop. Friends have called me stone cold. Some stranger called me the 6 Million dollar man. How wonderful.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Sunday, March 27, 2011
unconscious reality
Im taking another pill just to fall asleep...
It's been a week since the operation and progress has not been quick as expected. I am virtually imprisoned in my own home thanks to a knee injury which (obviously) I didn't ask for but was given anyway. It's kind of like experience- you get it when you don't need it. So day in and day out, I wake up, take my medications, do my exercise regimes (which have been reduced embarrassingly to a few movements to strengthen the knee), watch tv, play games maybe and go about my day doing the same thing over and over again.
Showering and doing other necessities have become less of a chore but nonetheless still one albeit i am getting used to it somehow. I have to or else i'd be so shabby that I would actually smell of shit and pee. A few more years like that and I'd be the weird man who owns a cat. Nobody will even remember my name after that.
Tonight's conversation(what seems like it) has make me out to be someone who's demanding, self-centered and inconsiderate. Well, as always, I need to forsake mine to consider others because mine doesn't matter at all. This community before self catchline is really catching on(else it wouldn't be known as a catchline to begin with). So amidst the things that I have never blame others for but to suck it up and move on, I got one hell of a beating tonight. Again, I shall just suck it up and move along.
I miss being able to move about freely and do things as and when I want to. If it wasn't for this condition of the leg of mine, I would still be able to do all that without having people to bother so much about it. I hate that feeling...having to bog down others for my own needs. Well, I cannot wait for the day the doctor tells me that I don't need the damn crutches anymore! The only way the doctor can top that is to tell me that I have fully recovered!
Right now, everything is back to basics. At the age of 24, I am learning how to walk all over again. The last time I ever remembered doing such a thing was more than 20 years ago. It's frustrating and even the smallest of things can really bring you down. At the same time, the smallest of things can also overwhelm you with a sense of elation. So its really a give and take thing I suppose.
we really need to learn to say "oh what the hell" in life sometimes
It's been a week since the operation and progress has not been quick as expected. I am virtually imprisoned in my own home thanks to a knee injury which (obviously) I didn't ask for but was given anyway. It's kind of like experience- you get it when you don't need it. So day in and day out, I wake up, take my medications, do my exercise regimes (which have been reduced embarrassingly to a few movements to strengthen the knee), watch tv, play games maybe and go about my day doing the same thing over and over again.
Showering and doing other necessities have become less of a chore but nonetheless still one albeit i am getting used to it somehow. I have to or else i'd be so shabby that I would actually smell of shit and pee. A few more years like that and I'd be the weird man who owns a cat. Nobody will even remember my name after that.
Tonight's conversation(what seems like it) has make me out to be someone who's demanding, self-centered and inconsiderate. Well, as always, I need to forsake mine to consider others because mine doesn't matter at all. This community before self catchline is really catching on(else it wouldn't be known as a catchline to begin with). So amidst the things that I have never blame others for but to suck it up and move on, I got one hell of a beating tonight. Again, I shall just suck it up and move along.
I miss being able to move about freely and do things as and when I want to. If it wasn't for this condition of the leg of mine, I would still be able to do all that without having people to bother so much about it. I hate that feeling...having to bog down others for my own needs. Well, I cannot wait for the day the doctor tells me that I don't need the damn crutches anymore! The only way the doctor can top that is to tell me that I have fully recovered!
Right now, everything is back to basics. At the age of 24, I am learning how to walk all over again. The last time I ever remembered doing such a thing was more than 20 years ago. It's frustrating and even the smallest of things can really bring you down. At the same time, the smallest of things can also overwhelm you with a sense of elation. So its really a give and take thing I suppose.
we really need to learn to say "oh what the hell" in life sometimes
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Still Learning how to roll with the punches
Waking up to a call by my brother that he's in an accident isn't the kind of thing one expects to hear early in the morning. Somehow, in my gut, I knew this kind of thing was going to happen. Thankfully, it was nothing major and he should be on the way to the bike shop any time soon. Seems like only a couple of weeks back my friend got into an accident. I don't know why people I know always get into an accident. The only accident I got into so far was at a stupid carpark after a stupid fight of which I stupidly went to look for that person to make up for things. Spent the next few days with a testicle the size of a Fuji apple but after which, I was up and running again.
I guess the secret to riding you bike safely is to go fast. Real fast! Safety through speed. I know this sounds kind of warped but my logic is this, the lesser time you spend on the road, the lesser the chances of you getting into an accident. That translates you into going fast. But then, there will always be the whitebikerboys trying to catch you for speeding saying that it's dangerous and all. Well, truth be told, they too ride fast when they're off duty. So it's kind of ironic isn't it? The best crooks in the world are those who are actually enforcing the law.
But then, with great speed comes great responsibility. This being that if you have absolutely no skill for it, chances of you wiping out is a definite! And plus, this only applies for bikes, cars, lorries and other vehicles do no apply here! Bikes are always at the losing end of things so some flexibility in the law should be exercised here. Period!
Anyway, it's been 4 days after the operation and I think I'm getting the hang of things. With crutches and all, the easy things becomes hard, the hard things becomes impossible. Even showering is a chore now. But thank god for almighty painkillers, I am able to get through my day smoothly. In this condition, the rain has officially become my enemy as wet surfaces could only mean I would definitely slip and that is something I wouldn't want to experience- especially in the disabled state that I am in.
Well, work can only pile up and medication can only make me drowsy. Maybe I should be asking for extensions. We will see how it goes.
6 months to recovery and I am only in the 4th day of the first month. Hurrah!
I guess the secret to riding you bike safely is to go fast. Real fast! Safety through speed. I know this sounds kind of warped but my logic is this, the lesser time you spend on the road, the lesser the chances of you getting into an accident. That translates you into going fast. But then, there will always be the whitebikerboys trying to catch you for speeding saying that it's dangerous and all. Well, truth be told, they too ride fast when they're off duty. So it's kind of ironic isn't it? The best crooks in the world are those who are actually enforcing the law.
But then, with great speed comes great responsibility. This being that if you have absolutely no skill for it, chances of you wiping out is a definite! And plus, this only applies for bikes, cars, lorries and other vehicles do no apply here! Bikes are always at the losing end of things so some flexibility in the law should be exercised here. Period!
Anyway, it's been 4 days after the operation and I think I'm getting the hang of things. With crutches and all, the easy things becomes hard, the hard things becomes impossible. Even showering is a chore now. But thank god for almighty painkillers, I am able to get through my day smoothly. In this condition, the rain has officially become my enemy as wet surfaces could only mean I would definitely slip and that is something I wouldn't want to experience- especially in the disabled state that I am in.
Well, work can only pile up and medication can only make me drowsy. Maybe I should be asking for extensions. We will see how it goes.
6 months to recovery and I am only in the 4th day of the first month. Hurrah!
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Livin' on a prayer
Dear god,
What is that you really want of me? You've been giving me one misfortune after another. It's been so many years now. Couldn't you just give me a break for once? I mean, if there's something that I really have to do in order for all that nonsense to stop, tell me and I'll fulfill it.
As if the great misfortune that you have given me which will leave me permanently disabled to a great extent isn't enough, you've been slowly rolling them out to me. I've been taught before that you put people through this as a test. Fair enough..but how do i pass? My future, the one that I have been dreaming about right now is certainly gone. Right now, all I can have is just a life of contentment. Then again, isn't that the life of mediocrity? I know you know me and by that I don't like to get by by just doing enough. I want to do more. To a certain extent that is selfish of me but you know me the best so you know why I want to do all those.
Are there many more to come? Could I be given any signs of warning please? You've been pushing me past my breaking point so many times already. But then, with what little fight I have within me, I've stood up against. Are you trying to prepare me for something? If so, what is it?
Give me a sign...now please.
What is that you really want of me? You've been giving me one misfortune after another. It's been so many years now. Couldn't you just give me a break for once? I mean, if there's something that I really have to do in order for all that nonsense to stop, tell me and I'll fulfill it.
As if the great misfortune that you have given me which will leave me permanently disabled to a great extent isn't enough, you've been slowly rolling them out to me. I've been taught before that you put people through this as a test. Fair enough..but how do i pass? My future, the one that I have been dreaming about right now is certainly gone. Right now, all I can have is just a life of contentment. Then again, isn't that the life of mediocrity? I know you know me and by that I don't like to get by by just doing enough. I want to do more. To a certain extent that is selfish of me but you know me the best so you know why I want to do all those.
Are there many more to come? Could I be given any signs of warning please? You've been pushing me past my breaking point so many times already. But then, with what little fight I have within me, I've stood up against. Are you trying to prepare me for something? If so, what is it?
Give me a sign...now please.
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Over My Head
Another night in school. It seems like I can only be productive late into the night. Well, I suppose that getting a place in hall for the last two semesters of my miserable undergraduate life can only be convenient. Although..the new definition of convenient does bug me a lot. In case you don't know, look at the root word being "con" which can only mean that its bluffing you to think that everything is easy when on the hindsight, it's a lot harder than you can only imagine. I love the new definition of convenient. Well, I suppose this goes for a lot of words which starts with c-o-n.
Why am I saying so? Well, I'd have to part with at least $200 more every month on top of the current expenditures that I have to budget myself to. Bike, bills and soon, recovery products. But money can always be earned somehow somewhere.
Speaking of which, I somehow experienced an epiphany yesterday whilst walking to Mcdonalds to get myself an Orea Mcflurry. Yum Yum! So yeah, I realized maybe what I actually want to be is a philanthropist. How I'm going to get there is a different story altogether because as of this moment I still am pretty much clueless about it. Perhaps, the lawyer thing might work? Then I might just be a corporate lawyer or something like that so that I can screw the rich of their money and then give it to the poor. Serves them right for not knowing how to share. Kind of like a modern day Robin Hood. I wonder if any of those still exist today.
As a kid, I've had a lot of heroes that I look up to. From those coming from fairy tales, to cartoons, kid shows (neither The Tellytubbies nor Barney or anything stupid made it into my list) and also actual live people have become my hero. Ghandi, I'm sorry, what you did was amazing, but you just didn't make it. Why? Well, you got shot! I don't want to get shot. It sucks and it hurts like hell. Don't ask me how I know this but yeah...it burnsssssssssssss!!
I guess I'm back to writing grammatically incorrect but who cares? Well, if I didn't I wouldn't have said such a thing right? And so the chicken and the egg question comes to mind. Who came first? Not me.
Maybe someday, somehow, someone or something might provide me with the guidance that I need to fulfill this dream of mind. Right now, it all seems like one big fantasy. Hopefully, I'll get there.
There is no delight in owning anything unshared
Why am I saying so? Well, I'd have to part with at least $200 more every month on top of the current expenditures that I have to budget myself to. Bike, bills and soon, recovery products. But money can always be earned somehow somewhere.
Speaking of which, I somehow experienced an epiphany yesterday whilst walking to Mcdonalds to get myself an Orea Mcflurry. Yum Yum! So yeah, I realized maybe what I actually want to be is a philanthropist. How I'm going to get there is a different story altogether because as of this moment I still am pretty much clueless about it. Perhaps, the lawyer thing might work? Then I might just be a corporate lawyer or something like that so that I can screw the rich of their money and then give it to the poor. Serves them right for not knowing how to share. Kind of like a modern day Robin Hood. I wonder if any of those still exist today.
As a kid, I've had a lot of heroes that I look up to. From those coming from fairy tales, to cartoons, kid shows (neither The Tellytubbies nor Barney or anything stupid made it into my list) and also actual live people have become my hero. Ghandi, I'm sorry, what you did was amazing, but you just didn't make it. Why? Well, you got shot! I don't want to get shot. It sucks and it hurts like hell. Don't ask me how I know this but yeah...it burnsssssssssssss!!
I guess I'm back to writing grammatically incorrect but who cares? Well, if I didn't I wouldn't have said such a thing right? And so the chicken and the egg question comes to mind. Who came first? Not me.
Maybe someday, somehow, someone or something might provide me with the guidance that I need to fulfill this dream of mind. Right now, it all seems like one big fantasy. Hopefully, I'll get there.
There is no delight in owning anything unshared
Monday, March 07, 2011
Tell Me I'm A Wreck
The days have been passing past me rather quickly. Everything has been touch n' go for me. Haven't really had the time to actually sit down and absorb everything properly. Well, the break from having no training session has provided me with some respite to get some work done. Alas.....
I can still vividly remember the incident at North Vista when I was just about the ride off. This 10 year old kid, who can't decide to either call me coach, Mr.Fadzil or cher, tried to scare me by telling me videos of motorbike accidents he saw on YouTube. To top that, he just laughed his way out of the school gate after I asked him if he was trying to scare me! He even had the nerve to say yes. Well done kids!
Wow, didn't realize how old it made me feel just to say that! On another note, kids at my Mendaki class kept saying how I'd look like someone they knew or have seen before. So far, I have been compared to their past teacher, their uncle, grandfather, a cleaner, a hawker and even some banglah. Just last weekend, they kept insisting that I was a drug addict just because I didn't shave and was very sleep deprived. I'm just thankful they haven't associated me to some feminine figures in their lives just yet. Maybe they eventually will since they're running low on the male figures.
Well, just last week, I had to make one of the hardest decision in my life thus far. One of the hardest meaning there might be a few others just that this one is just as comparable as the others. Try telling half the team that they most likely won't be playing this season. Doesn't sound too hard does it? Well, killing someone's hope is worst than to kill them outrightly. I actually saw the fire in their eyes go out. But I guess there's always a way to work around the system. We will see how it goes.
Well, it was truly disappoint that it was this sunny yesterday. Else, I would have gotten awesome shots of magic hour at my secret spot. Guess, I just have to be contented with the ones I have gotten so far.
I guess you never knew me at all
I can still vividly remember the incident at North Vista when I was just about the ride off. This 10 year old kid, who can't decide to either call me coach, Mr.Fadzil or cher, tried to scare me by telling me videos of motorbike accidents he saw on YouTube. To top that, he just laughed his way out of the school gate after I asked him if he was trying to scare me! He even had the nerve to say yes. Well done kids!
Wow, didn't realize how old it made me feel just to say that! On another note, kids at my Mendaki class kept saying how I'd look like someone they knew or have seen before. So far, I have been compared to their past teacher, their uncle, grandfather, a cleaner, a hawker and even some banglah. Just last weekend, they kept insisting that I was a drug addict just because I didn't shave and was very sleep deprived. I'm just thankful they haven't associated me to some feminine figures in their lives just yet. Maybe they eventually will since they're running low on the male figures.
Well, just last week, I had to make one of the hardest decision in my life thus far. One of the hardest meaning there might be a few others just that this one is just as comparable as the others. Try telling half the team that they most likely won't be playing this season. Doesn't sound too hard does it? Well, killing someone's hope is worst than to kill them outrightly. I actually saw the fire in their eyes go out. But I guess there's always a way to work around the system. We will see how it goes.
Well, it was truly disappoint that it was this sunny yesterday. Else, I would have gotten awesome shots of magic hour at my secret spot. Guess, I just have to be contented with the ones I have gotten so far.
I guess you never knew me at all
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