So maybe tomorrow you'll find your way home

Lately, I have been becoming more and more impossible. If there's one thing I could attribute it to it would be the changes that's happening to me and to all those around me. These past couple of months have seen very drastic changes- death in the family has only made it especially apparent. The loss is especially apparent whenever I look at my dad. He is taking it really hard. 

All around us, everything is changing. As for me, I'll be starting my new job tomorrow. Chubs can vouch for me when I say that I am actually excited. Yet, amidst these changes, I fear that things might not actually be turning out for the better. Perhaps that is me saying so because I am slowly being forced out from my comfort zone. Everyone eventually moves out from their comfort zone- how fast that happens for them differs. As for me, I am thankful that God has allowed this transition to be a slow and gradual one. 

The only easy day was yesterday. This is the motto that has been reinforced during BUDs training. First time I heard it was from my JC rugby teacher. It was reiterated during my days in the army. I have held on to that saying strongly as I move on to things, relishing every moment of it because I know that no matter how tough things can get, not matter how uncomfortable the situation might be, there is an ending. Whether it is in sight or out of it is a different story altogether. 

Nevertheless, changes has turned me into an angry person. I am the sort of person who asks "why?!". Specifically, I am the sort of person who asks "why the fuck?!". I am in strong need of a trigger to diminish that anger. That trigger came in time for me just now as I wandered aimlessly before breaking my fast and after breaking. You see, I am someone who needs some sort of a pattern to get on with life. Even in chaos there is pattern. That said, I do make do even if there are patterns. As long as there is some sort of a routine to get me by. Even if I go on to a certain situation that breaths uncertainty or even hectic chaos, I need to know if there is something for me to fall back on. The lack of this causes restlessness from within and this restlessness eventually affects everyone in a very very bad way. 

But that trigger came not a moment too soon as I stepped into the McDonalds near my house as they started playing Have a Nice Day by the Stereophonics. Almost immediately I feel an incredible amount of peace and calm that bubbled up from within. You see, songs have a great impact on me- I relate songs to certain moments of my life. Androgyny by Garbage brings me that certain amount of calmness whenever I am at range. I remember singing that song in my head despite the incredulous amount of gun fire going around me- that lead me to getting marksmen. There are certain other songs that have been designated as triggers for me that have a certain effect on me. As for now, I am a tad too lazy to list them all down. In fact, I can't really remember them all right now. Perhaps you could do an experiment on me and see which song suddenly brings about a smile on my face- a smile which spells, without any typos, calmness and serenity from within. 

I am like that- weird. We all live by triggers. It actually takes a huge amount of effort to trigger of my rage but when it is triggered off, its really a huge amount of rage that needs to be under controlled. So far, Chubs has been dealing with it extremely well but I fear that she is getting tired of dealing with it. So yes, I do have to keep it under check from time to time. Perhaps its because I care, too much sometimes, that such things happen to me. It's ironic however that you get angry because you care. 

Out of all these mumbo jumbo, perhaps there is one conclusion to it all- I am actually The Incredible Hulk. Right now, however, I just feel like more of The Incredible Bulk.

State of Repression

How happy is the blameless vestal's lot! The world forgetting, by the world forgot.
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind! Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd

As with every traumatic experiences, my coping mechanism has always been the same- repress! But apparently, that has done more harm than good especially to those around me. Those who has attempted to is still attempting to get close to me has found it more and more uncomfortable it is the closer they get.

Truthfully, nobody is who they seem they are. What they do, what they say and what they say they do are totally different things. And with everything, there are always 2 reasons to do it- a good one and the real one.

With each death, I see my dad wither away gradually. Over the span of 2 decades, he has lost his dad 19 years ago, his nephew, about 10 years ago and his mom a couple of years after. Yesterday, he lost his younger sister. Knowing him, he is not someone who would reveal how he really feels. What is noticable though is the state of limbo he is in. I've noticed it before- the one where he tells people that he's alright and behave as though he is alright but deep inside, he, and we-his family, knows that he really isn't okay. One day, I'll be just like him- or perhaps I already am.

I remember growing up thinking I don't want to be like him at all. But slowly, and surely, I am growing up to be my father's son. I've grown to see that he cares dearly for the people around him. If it's one thing I've learn from him is the most important lesson- "Better me than them". This sacrificial trait of his has been ingrained deeply into me. I don't know if I have inherited it through nature or nurture. Then again, whether I have indeed inherited this trait of his is up for others to decide.

But yes, it is very obvious of him to have done so through the many overtimes he took on just so that we got more money. Through the setting up of a branch of a weekend religious school so that kids in the neighborhood can gain knowledge at a more convenient place. He knows everyone and everyone knows him. He even struck up a conversation with one of the caretakers at the cemetery yesterday- apparently they know each other. So yes, my mom has commented it before (in jest of course)- he knows way too many people. But I guess that's just how he is. That trait does not exist in my elder brother. I think it exists in me. It definitely exists in my younger brother although his circle is still expanding.

So yes, it has begun. Im at the stage of my life where my peers are getting married and my parents and their peers are withering away. That point of life where we replace our parents has begun. I hate this. It's ironic how we are always looking forward to something without realizing that death too is in the future. Why can't we just look forward to today, to right now- the present. There is no death in the present. There is only the living and those who has passed on. In the future, death awaits.

Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps...

Perhaps, I've been living the wrong life all this while. Or maybe there is something more to the last 4 years of my life than it being just a phase.