It's been a longggggggggggggg longgggggggggggggg time since I wrote anything here(I just had to emphasize on that). The holidays are almost up and I feel that it somehow isn't being fully utilized in a sense that I have yet to go anywhere. Almost 4 months of holidays and the furthest I've been to would be JB. Then again, do I really need to be going anywhere? Late nights..slack hours..work whenever I want to(super flexible hours!)..do whatever I want...well the list goes on really. It's really just me lazing around and not caring about anything at all. Save for a couple of things.

I have recently realized something about myself. When the going gets tough, the tough disappears. Recently, I've taken over the school's rugby team. So now, I actually have 2 things that I have to manage...unpaid! Besides the qualms that the grown-up babies (aka my NSmen) are giving me, I'd have to settle the ones with the team as well. A lot of times, when I feel that it's getting too much, I'd just lay in stasis and not do anything about it. They'd keep pounding me for something but I'd just not bother about it and move on.

Truth be told, those are merely examples of my withdrawals. Like in an attack, when you fear that your forces are getting to disorganized, withdraw to reorganize before mounting another attack. That way, you won't be overwhelmed by the ferocity of your enemies and also the rapid dissolution of your own forces. Well, Sun Tzu taught me that. I guess, that's how I really am. Could that possibly explain my lackluster for the previous semester? I mean, the anger carried me through well during the first part of it. But after losing the finals, I felt that it was all to overwhelming and so I retreated to this safe spot where I just couldn't be bothered about anything.

The thing is, no matter how much you encourage me to do something, I simply won't be bothered. I set my own pace. People who have tried to pace me in my runs have found out about that. Many have been frustrated about me and my "tantrums" that they would just leave me behind. Some have even found out that they were overtaken by me eventually towards the end. So i guess, the more I am forced to something, the more I will force myself to the exact opposite. I guess, a little bit of encourage does work sometimes. But the best motivation has to come from within. If you'd know how to activate that, I'd say you'll be ruling a country anytime soon. Right now, I'm just ruling the pitch. Who knows?

Right now, I'm glad only those two things are on my mind. Working is a priority. I'd still want to get myself a new bike. It's really time to let go of this one. It's old and sickly. God knows who much i've spent on this bike time and time again...just because I choose to take it easy on the road(I don't know why some people claim that I've one devil on the road when they choose to go that slowly). Well, lets wait till school starts. I guess, that's where the madness really begins. If I am able to graduate, I think, I might be qualified to work in a circus as a professional juggler. That, or something else other than teaching. Teaching would be the super last resort(and that would be after 6 months of being jobless).

I guess there's nothing much that I would like to write at the moment. Believe me, I have tons to write about here! Just that I am not in the right mood to write anything yet. Perhaps, soon that mood will come to me and I'd be blabbering my way thru for my own writing pleasure, and your reading pleasure(can you make that sentence sound dirty? I can!)

The any reason to doing anything is because I can, that's why

Hmm.. a lot has been happening since I last wrote anything. Again, I haven't found the muse to write anything here. Each time I thought of something to write, I would forget about it completely by the time I get to a computer.

So I guess I'm going to keep it short and sweet by writing out what happened so far...here we go.
1) I've been made captain of the school team so God help me now.
2) I'm still waiting for my TP. It's about a month away and I've already completed all my practicals.
3) I've found someone who would rubbish with me (:
4) I'm earning from 3 different sources now
5) I've already got a bike in mind
6) I've got nothing in my mind now

So there you go. Short and sweet. Just like me. Minus the short part that is.

As a kid, I never knew of this thing called death until my grandfather passed away when I was only 5. I didn't know how to deal with that as a kid so I did what any other kid would do when they meet other kids- play. More than a decade later, my cousin passed away followed by my grandmother a year later. I still didn't know how to react to that. To me, I just felt empty- emotionless.

Perhaps that is the way I grieve. Rather, perhaps that is how things are since I do not have a lot of fond memories with them. I was too young to know my grandfather that well. By the time I was conscious of my being, my grandmother had already suffered a couple of strokes enough to impair her cognitive and communication skills. The only memory I have of my cousin was the numerous times we would visit him in the hospital(I wrote something about family gatherings and hospitals last year) due to the strange illness that he was suffering from. Thankfully, God saw how HE could no longer make him suffer and decided to end it all for him. I guess, the same went for my grandparents as well.

The only memories that I have about my grandparents all came from what my parents told me- how much they would dote on me and my elder brother despite being the trouble that we were. We're still troublesome but on different levels: nobody really bothers about the trouble that my brother makes because it only affects the environment on a personal level. Mine, on the other hand, well, let's just say that it is capable of so much more(on a good note that is).

It's been 3 years since I left that camp. People always say that that camp is haunted; that it is cursed. I can't help but to believe it now. 5 deaths so far. All of whom which I've come know on a rather personal level with the exception of one. All these deaths occurred after we ended our journey of 2 years. Well, I only joined them halfway through but it seems like an entire lifetime has taken place in such a short period of time.

Seems to me that the recent news is really affecting me. I can't help but to feel sad...really sad. The weather seems to be reflecting my emotions perfectly- all gloomy and down. He was really a great soldier. To him, come what may. It was only a month ago since I last saw all my men. To sum the whole thing up, I've never felt more whole in my entire life before. Green completes me. That's all there is to me. People may have their opinions about how shitty life can be in the green. Or how the "Organization" (or whatever it is that they've decided to term it) is very shitty. Well, show me one Organization or Service or whateveritisthatyoucallit that isn't shitty. Right now, I strongly believe, that there is none that is without its flaws. Sometimes, you just happen to be in the wrong place at the wrong time.

To revert from digressing, my men are all amazing people. They are the best soldiers that I've come to know. So what if they're not Spec Ops or anything of that sort. It's really their attitudes that made me believe that there are good in people. So much so for labeling them as "trash of society".

It's really no point wishing that something like that had happened because it already did. Right now, he's already being cremated. Funny how a person ends up being just ashes at the end of his life. However it shall be his memory that we carry on with us that makes him who he was and who he really is. He will be missed. As I quote a friend, "Fight with you again some day. Wait for us." That we shall see. The company shall make it happen. We're really good at it- making the unimaginable happen.

To live in hearts we leave behind
Is not to die.