It's almost the end of the semester and I am still not worried about the exams. It is my final year and as much as I hate for it all to end, I can't wait either. I guess it's a mixed feeling kind of thing. There has never been an instance where I had taken a break from everything and do whatever I want without having to worry about absolutely anything at all. By never, I really, literally not figuratively, mean never. Well, maybe almost never since I didn't have to worry about anything after my PSLE. Not even screwed up aggregates but who cares? I am where I am now no?
Well, with that exception, the only other time that I went on a holiday with my family was in 2010. Suffice to say, it was the wrong place to be with them as all my parents wanted to do was to nuah in the hotel room. Well, I could probably list out a whole lot of places that I have never been to but to list the place that I have actually been to would be so much easier since that list is ridiculously short.
Vacations aside, not a day goes by without me not having to worry about anything. Sometimes, I just feel like I am actually in over my head in all things- or drowning if you like. To make matters worse, it's not exactly drowning in water but in quicksand- the more I struggle, the more I sink. I was actually toying with the idea of taking a year off of school. But then, I was worried about getting a job and all that nonsense that I simply put it off. Nobody has a clue as to how tired I really am. But to just swing my arms in exasperation in "fuck this shit" style is simply not doing justice to myself. When forced to choose between fight or flight, 11 out of 10 times I would choose the former. And no, there is nothing wrong with the previous statement.
What I really crave for is a simply life out in the wilderness. On my many rides, I was actually thinking of actually staying with a nomadic tribe somewhere in some desert where my only concern is my own survival. It seems to me right now that I'd be better off in the Sahara than any other desert or perhaps just somewhere in the middle east because those people seems to have gotten their shit together. Language wise would be tough. Arabic is kind of hard for me. Trying to speak that language would really make me look like I've just escaped from some institution for the mentally retarded. As for French, which is commonly used in North Africa, well it's not any better; or worse for that matter. The only French I know is "salut" for hello, "au revoir" for goodbye, "poulet" for chicken and well...I know the French for "fucking shit".
Well, whatever the case, I seriously need a break. It's just been one thing after another. I haven't actually have the time to enjoy whatever I want to for various reasons. Well, having tons of money right now would really be great. I mean whoever said that money can't buy you happiness is probably some lonely rich old fag who doesn't know how to share.
Sunday, October 30, 2011
Is that prove that love's not only blind but deaf
Last night got me reminded of this phrase that got conjured up in my sleep. It got to me enough for me to wake up immediately and recorded it down in my phone. Although my phone has been restored since (hence resulting me in losing all important information), I was lucky enough to have recorded it elsewhere.
We will always treasure the representatives of how each friendship begins and how it ensues. We will forever think about the friendships forged and when we think about what it was like before they were forged, we cringe.
The truth is, bridges will always be burnt. What matters is how it burnt; there are many variations to what caused it or what didn't. In fact, it also quite matter if we did anything about it- or the lack of it for that matter. So I have concluded that there are 3 things that will cause the burning of bridges: Time, Space and Effort. Out of the 3, time and space are the most objective value that we can actually control while effort is very subjective. Like houses, we tend to sell ourselves more than how others value us. Them manically depressed usually choose to go for the reverse but most of us are usually on the positive side of things.
We will always disappoint people in whatever we do. The only thing that we can do is not to keep disappoint the wrong ones.
We will always treasure the representatives of how each friendship begins and how it ensues. We will forever think about the friendships forged and when we think about what it was like before they were forged, we cringe.
The truth is, bridges will always be burnt. What matters is how it burnt; there are many variations to what caused it or what didn't. In fact, it also quite matter if we did anything about it- or the lack of it for that matter. So I have concluded that there are 3 things that will cause the burning of bridges: Time, Space and Effort. Out of the 3, time and space are the most objective value that we can actually control while effort is very subjective. Like houses, we tend to sell ourselves more than how others value us. Them manically depressed usually choose to go for the reverse but most of us are usually on the positive side of things.
We will always disappoint people in whatever we do. The only thing that we can do is not to keep disappoint the wrong ones.
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Your Ego's writing checks your Body can't cash
I got up and made my way to the door
and I dropped my conscience on the way out
I turned and I looked back down on the floor
But my conscience wasn't there anymore
So then I got to thinking...
Was it there in the first place?
Can you read it on my face?
Cause I just don't care anymore
And I just don't give a damn anymore
Why just take tonight?
Can we try to keep on riding through these?
To light our way through the night
just to see what we find
Told everyone I would try to get by
but I felt like I was wasting my time
I found my way this time.
So why should I try
To stay grounded when my head's in the sky
Then I got to thinking...
Will they miss me when i'm gone?
Will they leave the porch light on?
If I can't find home anymore
Or will I not have a home anymore?
Why just take tonight?
Can we try to keep on riding through these?
To light our way through the night
just to see what we find
When we go,
We'll just live our lives by rocky roads
And our eyes got to second place brides?
Cause I'm feeling lucky tonight?
And I'll just stick stick stick to the things I know
If you'll just quit quit quit quit buggin' me about it baby
And you'll tell me that i'm missing out
Cause I don't give a damn anymore
and I dropped my conscience on the way out
I turned and I looked back down on the floor
But my conscience wasn't there anymore
So then I got to thinking...
Was it there in the first place?
Can you read it on my face?
Cause I just don't care anymore
And I just don't give a damn anymore
Why just take tonight?
Can we try to keep on riding through these?
To light our way through the night
just to see what we find
Told everyone I would try to get by
but I felt like I was wasting my time
I found my way this time.
So why should I try
To stay grounded when my head's in the sky
Then I got to thinking...
Will they miss me when i'm gone?
Will they leave the porch light on?
If I can't find home anymore
Or will I not have a home anymore?
Why just take tonight?
Can we try to keep on riding through these?
To light our way through the night
just to see what we find
When we go,
We'll just live our lives by rocky roads
And our eyes got to second place brides?
Cause I'm feeling lucky tonight?
And I'll just stick stick stick to the things I know
If you'll just quit quit quit quit buggin' me about it baby
And you'll tell me that i'm missing out
Cause I don't give a damn anymore
Saturday, October 15, 2011
Its the last night in my body..
After going through lectures in crisis stress management I am pretty much convinced that I am pretty much fucked up inside-out. Though it might not seem much to others, trivial even, I haven't been given the opportunity to "recover" from any of my "crisis". All I get when I try to open up is rejection. Case in point- 2 break ups in the span of 2 years. One is already a mother to be while the other...well...I have no idea about the other. I guess things a better for them this way.
Having parents which are virtually unsupportive of the things that I do doesn't help. Not that I am being petty but I suppose it is pretty much justifiable to say that I am truly disappointed that they have never attended a single match in my life before, especially when I am playing in the finals. It might not seem much to many but having your folks, the people you really want to impress, being there to support their child in what seems like the scariest moment of his life does provide a dynamic range of comfort to him. So far, I have only won 1 out of 3 finals. In 2001, they were too busy to be there. This was an exception to my brothers whom have so far quit on what they (being my parents) thought they were good at. Sure the now-fatass brother was a good runner. But it doesn't seem ridiculous that they actually attended him running a cross country race at McRitchie- intra-school style. As for the young brat who gets everything that he wants, they were simply there even for his training sessions for silat. For me, I have met stiff resistance in rugby. They even refused to buy me boots. After much pestering, I paid half the price for the pair of boots which lasted me for 3 good years. For someone who receives very little allowance as a teenager, that is in fact a feat. After that, it was just me getting what I need to service my passion.
Losing a match is a big deal- because it was the fucking finals! Yet, they never seem to care much even if I won. Being 14 and winning a medal means a lot to any kid. But to come home all smiles and receive just an "ok" after showing it off is devastating for any kid. At 18, i couldnt give a fuck about how they were to respond to my lost because they never did know that I lost the finals- they never even knew I was at a match. I had given up all hopes of them ever supporting me there. Even trials for the national team were met with stiff resistance. It got even stiffer when I chose national rugby over national silat because it was a "disappointing" decision that I have made.
So...long story short, basically everything is kept inside. But one fine day, all this steam is just going to burst and shoot through the heavens even stronger than when the people of pompeii suffered what is now know in history as the biggest fuck ups that any civilization has ever faced. Life after that is simply a series of rolling punches. 2 break ups because I was simply not supposed to show my resentment to anything is enough of an evidence.
because if you care enough about someone, you'd drop everything at the moment when they need someone the most
Having parents which are virtually unsupportive of the things that I do doesn't help. Not that I am being petty but I suppose it is pretty much justifiable to say that I am truly disappointed that they have never attended a single match in my life before, especially when I am playing in the finals. It might not seem much to many but having your folks, the people you really want to impress, being there to support their child in what seems like the scariest moment of his life does provide a dynamic range of comfort to him. So far, I have only won 1 out of 3 finals. In 2001, they were too busy to be there. This was an exception to my brothers whom have so far quit on what they (being my parents) thought they were good at. Sure the now-fatass brother was a good runner. But it doesn't seem ridiculous that they actually attended him running a cross country race at McRitchie- intra-school style. As for the young brat who gets everything that he wants, they were simply there even for his training sessions for silat. For me, I have met stiff resistance in rugby. They even refused to buy me boots. After much pestering, I paid half the price for the pair of boots which lasted me for 3 good years. For someone who receives very little allowance as a teenager, that is in fact a feat. After that, it was just me getting what I need to service my passion.
Losing a match is a big deal- because it was the fucking finals! Yet, they never seem to care much even if I won. Being 14 and winning a medal means a lot to any kid. But to come home all smiles and receive just an "ok" after showing it off is devastating for any kid. At 18, i couldnt give a fuck about how they were to respond to my lost because they never did know that I lost the finals- they never even knew I was at a match. I had given up all hopes of them ever supporting me there. Even trials for the national team were met with stiff resistance. It got even stiffer when I chose national rugby over national silat because it was a "disappointing" decision that I have made.
So...long story short, basically everything is kept inside. But one fine day, all this steam is just going to burst and shoot through the heavens even stronger than when the people of pompeii suffered what is now know in history as the biggest fuck ups that any civilization has ever faced. Life after that is simply a series of rolling punches. 2 break ups because I was simply not supposed to show my resentment to anything is enough of an evidence.
because if you care enough about someone, you'd drop everything at the moment when they need someone the most
Monday, October 10, 2011
On with the show..
Being awake at 1am doing school work when I have to be at the office before 8 in the morning kinda pushes things. But it'll have to do right now. Balancing things out is kind of hard especially when you're in between a rock and a hard place. Thankfully, I enjoy what I am doing now. Not sure if my body agrees with me.
So the verdict is out- for the umpteenth time, the SAF has rejected me again. Apparently, I do not qualify as an officer on levels that I do not know of. I've been talking to a lot of people and they generally agree with me. After all, how hard is it to be an infantry officer? I mean, I enjoy having chevrons on my shoulders. It bears just as much responsibility as bars do. But the level of contribution that I can make, or the weight of my words, varies by a lot as having bars means there's a lot more weight to it than having chevrons. Honestly, I think I can just be as committed by having chevrons. But I stand to lose a lot seeing how I'll be graduating with honors this coming June. I do not see why they are unable to look past one fuckup that I have committed during my two years. I mean, if you were to ask me if I regretted it then honestly no. Things turned out to be just as great for me then. But if you were to ask me if things could be better then yes! Things can always be better. That's how I feel about everything. I guess that explains my demanding nature- things can always be better.
That trait however borders on the feeding of greed and gluttony. Even though it does lean towards the positive side at times, there's always a dark side to everything. For me, it's more than just my skin tone- I have the ability and competency to fuck things up very well in an instance for anything and anyone other than myself. I guess that explanation for my dark side should suffice for now.
Putting things into perspective- especially chronologically as well as logically- is one of the biggest trait that I have. Time is everything to me because it runs out immediately. But over the past few weeks, I have been able to sort information out through presumptions and memory. Yes, my memory functions extremely well in conditions that I do not need it to be. It usually fails when I need it the most. But I have finally figured things out and realize that it was right of me to be suspicious there and then. It's not that I do not trust but simply wasn't given enough of a reason to do so. I admit it, it does take a lot for me to trust someone. For those who enjoy my complete and utter trust it is because I know that you are competent enough to sustain yourself without me having to intervene. Independence is a really big turn on for me. Without it, you are just another dependent and henceforth my trust falters.
It's kind of like how I am right now. I do not trust my instincts or gut feelings as well as I used to. I used to be an ace at assessing situations or appreciation of situations by merely basing it on gut feelings. I didn't need a map to lead an entire unit of men towards the objectives. I simply relied on my gut. True that such a thing are ever so doubtful so I went on ahead and proved to everyone that it does work after all. But as of this moment, education as well as further interaction has eroded that trust in my guts. However, that does have it's perks as besides having my eyes as well as my heart opened wider now, I usually end up with a better deal. I guess that's how the past 3 or so years have benefited me. Now all I have to do is to pay it forward, just like I always like to.
But to trust you must confess- not just through your words but through your actions as well. If what you say about what you do and about when you do it does not contradict each other, there is no room for distrust. Alas, what you say, what you do and what you say about what you do are totally different things. Pattern does help a lot. Human beings are creatures of habit after all. The one habit that I picked up in 2006 is still being sustained by this fact. The reverse could be a habit as well but only with a given reason. It just so typical of me to be doing something for someone. I do realize that if I were to be doing something for myself would have a far greater impact but it's simply in my nature to be in service of others. Sometimes, it does border on the effect of being a monkey wrench. Having people other than myself to keep that in check for me really helps. But people can only be around for so long. Eventually, everyone fades away- if it's not to death, there will always be something. The top of that "something" list would be Murphy's Law.
It's really getting late now and I really need to get to bed. But, I somehow can shake this feeling that time is passing by ever so quicker as I age. That feeling is somehow agitating me.
So the verdict is out- for the umpteenth time, the SAF has rejected me again. Apparently, I do not qualify as an officer on levels that I do not know of. I've been talking to a lot of people and they generally agree with me. After all, how hard is it to be an infantry officer? I mean, I enjoy having chevrons on my shoulders. It bears just as much responsibility as bars do. But the level of contribution that I can make, or the weight of my words, varies by a lot as having bars means there's a lot more weight to it than having chevrons. Honestly, I think I can just be as committed by having chevrons. But I stand to lose a lot seeing how I'll be graduating with honors this coming June. I do not see why they are unable to look past one fuckup that I have committed during my two years. I mean, if you were to ask me if I regretted it then honestly no. Things turned out to be just as great for me then. But if you were to ask me if things could be better then yes! Things can always be better. That's how I feel about everything. I guess that explains my demanding nature- things can always be better.
That trait however borders on the feeding of greed and gluttony. Even though it does lean towards the positive side at times, there's always a dark side to everything. For me, it's more than just my skin tone- I have the ability and competency to fuck things up very well in an instance for anything and anyone other than myself. I guess that explanation for my dark side should suffice for now.
Putting things into perspective- especially chronologically as well as logically- is one of the biggest trait that I have. Time is everything to me because it runs out immediately. But over the past few weeks, I have been able to sort information out through presumptions and memory. Yes, my memory functions extremely well in conditions that I do not need it to be. It usually fails when I need it the most. But I have finally figured things out and realize that it was right of me to be suspicious there and then. It's not that I do not trust but simply wasn't given enough of a reason to do so. I admit it, it does take a lot for me to trust someone. For those who enjoy my complete and utter trust it is because I know that you are competent enough to sustain yourself without me having to intervene. Independence is a really big turn on for me. Without it, you are just another dependent and henceforth my trust falters.
It's kind of like how I am right now. I do not trust my instincts or gut feelings as well as I used to. I used to be an ace at assessing situations or appreciation of situations by merely basing it on gut feelings. I didn't need a map to lead an entire unit of men towards the objectives. I simply relied on my gut. True that such a thing are ever so doubtful so I went on ahead and proved to everyone that it does work after all. But as of this moment, education as well as further interaction has eroded that trust in my guts. However, that does have it's perks as besides having my eyes as well as my heart opened wider now, I usually end up with a better deal. I guess that's how the past 3 or so years have benefited me. Now all I have to do is to pay it forward, just like I always like to.
But to trust you must confess- not just through your words but through your actions as well. If what you say about what you do and about when you do it does not contradict each other, there is no room for distrust. Alas, what you say, what you do and what you say about what you do are totally different things. Pattern does help a lot. Human beings are creatures of habit after all. The one habit that I picked up in 2006 is still being sustained by this fact. The reverse could be a habit as well but only with a given reason. It just so typical of me to be doing something for someone. I do realize that if I were to be doing something for myself would have a far greater impact but it's simply in my nature to be in service of others. Sometimes, it does border on the effect of being a monkey wrench. Having people other than myself to keep that in check for me really helps. But people can only be around for so long. Eventually, everyone fades away- if it's not to death, there will always be something. The top of that "something" list would be Murphy's Law.
It's really getting late now and I really need to get to bed. But, I somehow can shake this feeling that time is passing by ever so quicker as I age. That feeling is somehow agitating me.
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