Being awake at 1am doing school work when I have to be at the office before 8 in the morning kinda pushes things. But it'll have to do right now. Balancing things out is kind of hard especially when you're in between a rock and a hard place. Thankfully, I enjoy what I am doing now. Not sure if my body agrees with me.
So the verdict is out- for the umpteenth time, the SAF has rejected me again. Apparently, I do not qualify as an officer on levels that I do not know of. I've been talking to a lot of people and they generally agree with me. After all, how hard is it to be an infantry officer? I mean, I enjoy having chevrons on my shoulders. It bears just as much responsibility as bars do. But the level of contribution that I can make, or the weight of my words, varies by a lot as having bars means there's a lot more weight to it than having chevrons. Honestly, I think I can just be as committed by having chevrons. But I stand to lose a lot seeing how I'll be graduating with honors this coming June. I do not see why they are unable to look past one fuckup that I have committed during my two years. I mean, if you were to ask me if I regretted it then honestly no. Things turned out to be just as great for me then. But if you were to ask me if things could be better then yes! Things can always be better. That's how I feel about everything. I guess that explains my demanding nature- things can always be better.
That trait however borders on the feeding of greed and gluttony. Even though it does lean towards the positive side at times, there's always a dark side to everything. For me, it's more than just my skin tone- I have the ability and competency to fuck things up very well in an instance for anything and anyone other than myself. I guess that explanation for my dark side should suffice for now.
Putting things into perspective- especially chronologically as well as logically- is one of the biggest trait that I have. Time is everything to me because it runs out immediately. But over the past few weeks, I have been able to sort information out through presumptions and memory. Yes, my memory functions extremely well in conditions that I do not need it to be. It usually fails when I need it the most. But I have finally figured things out and realize that it was right of me to be suspicious there and then. It's not that I do not trust but simply wasn't given enough of a reason to do so. I admit it, it does take a lot for me to trust someone. For those who enjoy my complete and utter trust it is because I know that you are competent enough to sustain yourself without me having to intervene. Independence is a really big turn on for me. Without it, you are just another dependent and henceforth my trust falters.
It's kind of like how I am right now. I do not trust my instincts or gut feelings as well as I used to. I used to be an ace at assessing situations or appreciation of situations by merely basing it on gut feelings. I didn't need a map to lead an entire unit of men towards the objectives. I simply relied on my gut. True that such a thing are ever so doubtful so I went on ahead and proved to everyone that it does work after all. But as of this moment, education as well as further interaction has eroded that trust in my guts. However, that does have it's perks as besides having my eyes as well as my heart opened wider now, I usually end up with a better deal. I guess that's how the past 3 or so years have benefited me. Now all I have to do is to pay it forward, just like I always like to.
But to trust you must confess- not just through your words but through your actions as well. If what you say about what you do and about when you do it does not contradict each other, there is no room for distrust. Alas, what you say, what you do and what you say about what you do are totally different things. Pattern does help a lot. Human beings are creatures of habit after all. The one habit that I picked up in 2006 is still being sustained by this fact. The reverse could be a habit as well but only with a given reason. It just so typical of me to be doing something for someone. I do realize that if I were to be doing something for myself would have a far greater impact but it's simply in my nature to be in service of others. Sometimes, it does border on the effect of being a monkey wrench. Having people other than myself to keep that in check for me really helps. But people can only be around for so long. Eventually, everyone fades away- if it's not to death, there will always be something. The top of that "something" list would be Murphy's Law.
It's really getting late now and I really need to get to bed. But, I somehow can shake this feeling that time is passing by ever so quicker as I age. That feeling is somehow agitating me.
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