Just because

Because I was so fucking pissed, I decided to lift twice my body weight. Because I decided to lift twice my body weight, my left shoulder came out and I sprained my left knee. Tonight, I've reached, my breaking point.

Those days go by and we all start again

I just saw the latest music video from The Offspring and realized how old they've gotten and in relation to that, how old I've gotten. It's this timely reminders that gets to me. Oh, for those who don't know, The Offsprings are an 80's Punk Rock band who made head lines, well, back in the 80's and 90's with songs that are politically, socially and basically, everything-ly motivated. They sang about anything and everything that you and I faced in our lives- just like how a good punk rock band should. And they were are still good!

Life at this moment is pretty much dreary. God knows how much I am hating life right now. Many a times do I look down from my corridor during my rare puffs at home and wonder how it is like to be dead right now. But then, I take another drag before putting it out and heading in. This is not the life that I dreamt of while growing up. It simply has no flavor to it. Everyday, it's just one routine after another. I missed how life was like when I was growing up at the age of 19.

I had always known that peace is only a temporary period between two conflicts. And during any conflict, life has a different meaning for them. For those who fight for it, life has a different flavor that the sheltered will never know. Right now, it's all too mundane, too safe. I do not crave for this life. Never did I know that once I am out of there, I would never experience such a thing ever again. I crave the danger, I crave the excitement. Nothing else has given me as much adrenaline rush, as much comfort, as it had when I was once in green.

Sure, everyday people tell me to move on. People tell me that that was just a phase of my life as a Singaporean son. But it felt more than that to me. It felt like life. The one that I was built for, the one that I was made for. Alas, its not meant to be. Perhaps this is what progress feels like- to be constantly shoved out out of our comfort zones.

For now, I really need that break. Nobody else needs that break more than I do. And it would be nice if I had it with chubs and no one else. That would be just perfect. Work is draining me. After every night shift, the slightest of things can simply tick me off that easily. So yes, I need to gain back my sanity; what's left of it anyway.

All your anger, all your hurt 
It doesn't matter in the end 
Those days go by and we all start again 
What you had and what you lost 
They're all memories in the wind 
Those days go by and we all start again 

Days gone by- The Offspring

He ain't gonna jump no more

It's hard trying to start something by yourself. It's even harder to continue by yourself. I guess that's why I value my time in the army so much. It's a bond like no other. We started out doing something with each other but end up doing everything for one another.

Perfection in silence

Despite being up all night from the graveyard shift and not enough sleep to recuperate from that, I am still wide awake in bed. The body is tired but the mind is still jogging around endlessly.

Lately, I can't help but to feel as though I'm making everybody's life miserable. This is especially so for the girlfriend. The way people talk us beginning to sound as though their lives would be so much better without me around. Through daily conversations, I'm beginning to feel like I'm nothing more than dead weight- I'm just holding them down.

Maybe everyone has been accustomed to me making their lives comfortable that they forgot what I actually went through just so that it can be that way. Inconvenience is something I strive not to cause someone. Maybe they didn't forget, maybe they just don't know.

Suffer in silence! That's what I have been taught all my life. Nobody really wants to know about your pains or anguish. It depresses them; it saddens them; it frustrates them when they can't think of anything to say or not sure of how to react. At the end of the day, all of us do not want to be associated to people like this. After all, everyone has their own sets of problems right? I have my own sets of problems that nobody wants to listen to so why should I listen to yours right?

We have all become so guarded in this sense; selfish even. The irony in all of these is that we humans are really social creatures. Even in isolation, we create that imaginary character whom we could interact with. I should know this because isolation comes easily to me- so I've resorted to talking to myself from time to time.

Being the social creatures we are, we are always seeking the approval of others- especially that of our loved ones. But then, there's not much of a difference between a stadium full of cheering fans and an angry crowd screaming abuse at you. They're both just making a lot of noise. How you take it is up to you.

And the end of the day, it is us who decides what it's going to be. I've stopped seeking the approval of others and I'm getting along just fine. Risk it. Being averse to risk is harmful on an epic proportion.

I believe in the sand beneath my toes

Work has taken quite a big role in my life. To be honest, I am not enjoying this part of my life. I am not doing what I love though it is similar in my aspects. But it is just that, similar, and nothing else.

But up to this day, I bet no one has probably hunkered down on the exact reason why I had wanted that job so much. Well, the main reason is because ill serve. Perhaps that's the biggest flaw that I have- to do things for the sake of others. It is a flaw because once that reason ceases to exist, then ill just go back to how I was.

This is like smoking or rather when I stopped smoking for the longest time ever right after I ORD-Ed. For quite spmetime, I had actually quit smoking because the ex-gf had asked me to. Then, one day, I caught her smoking because she got stressed out from her poly study-thingy. Hence, I cycled back into smoking again. But it does soon after only to come back again because my 22nd birthday was such a huge disappointment. By then, I felt that it was the only thing I can control about my life and it felt really good that it was something that I could do for myself. Herein lies the concept of wanting something for myself.

Now, chubs has given me a deadline to quite smoking. By the end of the year, I would have to downgrade myself to a social smoker. True that she wants the best for me but since I'm doing it for her, if there ever comes a time that she stops to be a reason for me not to smoke, then, the habit will just kick back in with a vengeance.

Then again, that's the thing with girls. They fell in love with the guy that they first met and then they try to change him. The guy, being a guy, would give in to those changes for her sake. But then, he becomes the person that she didn't fall in love with in the first place and it all ends.

This story has been heard so many times that it has sort of become the template for far too many breakups that happens when the girl dumps the guy.

Chubs is no exceptions. I still remember how she used to tell me that she would think that I'm around whenever she smells someone smoking the same kind of cigarettes as I do. Or times when she thinks its me passing by the house just because the bike sounds the same.

Aside from breakfast that we used to (and still do) share, she used to accompany me to smoking. Perhaps that was the x-factor among many others (x is the twenty-fourth letter in the alphabet so that means there are already 23 reasons before this) that attracted her to me.

Perhaps I do understand girls but I can never truly figure out why they are like that.