It's been such a long time since i've wrote anything on this space. I can't remember the last time since I've wrote anything. Havent had much luck in writing anything sensible partly perhaps due to the amount of reports that I had to do last semester and partly also because I've lost my muse. Where shall I begin?

Last semester was a total disaster. After facing fierce resistance towards my thoughts of taking a year off from studies, I had to simply soldier on with the remaining semesters of this damn university education. I can't really put a finger as to why I finally conceded to carrying on when I had no more motivation to do so. But a huge part of it can be factored to my parents- I don't want to disappoint them. Even though they have never emphasized on how much importance this studying thing is, I can tell that somehow they have their hopes pinned down on me. Being the first to ever reach this level in my ENTIRE family, it does provide a bit of a pressure for me to actually perform. Well, NTU has provided me with a sense of relief as I found out that I am able to graduate a semester earlier than my peers. But as of any major milestones of my academic track has provided with, I find myself asking the same question all over again, "What's next?" So far, all I have received would be more blanks and even more questions that I ask myself. I cannot ask any of my family members that question because at the level I am at, they too are dumbfounded. If only I was born into a smarter family...

2010 has been sort of an interesting year. Started out with me getting dumped for good. Guess that will forever be seared in my mind; not that I have yet to do anything about it. But it gets more interesting with me surprisingly being made captain of the team. Honestly, I have no idea on how to run a team at this level. I was aiming towards mediocricy, instead I was shoved with a whole load of greatness. Then I got reunited with someone special back from JC. However, that too had its own twist and turn to it. Just when I thought things couldn't get any worse, I felt the pinge of betrayal from someone whom I have never thought would do such a thing. Just when you think you can actually trust somebody, the throw you a whole new ballgame that puts you back to square one. I dare say that 2010 is filled with setbacks...a lot more that one could have ever anticipated. Then again, I've always thought that even years were bad years. So much so for me hoping that 2010 would have been a good one. Guess I've struck out on luck.

However, it was not without its moments of beauty. As I have always said, if there were no solutions, then its not even a problem to begin with. Every problem has its solutions. Some of it might need a little bit more resiliance than others to reach for it but its there for sure. I have always been the sort of person who thinks with his heart but having a great deal of passion might work both positively as well as negatively. The year has been some sort of self-discovery for myself. Someone once told that if I cannot love myself first, no way in hell can others love me. There is a lot of truth in that provided that you do not fall deeply in love with yourself- that just plain vanity and it's just disgusting. Not that I am low on self-esteem or anything but that boosted it by a great deal.

Well, the year's coming to an end in just a few days time and nope, I'm not going to make any new year resolutions. I have never made any new year resolutions before and I am intending for things to remain that way. What I have with me is a life plan. Though I might fall short of things somehow somewhere, I'll make up for it soon enough. Let's just see how the days roll by and I'll just do what I do best- improvise.

SPARKLE MOTION

You can thank me, for finding out a way to turn back time.
See there's this ghost who's a friend of mine,
who always keeps me safe until I wake up and rise
from the heart of a shallow grave.

This philosophy is killing me,
still you're willing to stay while I go set the blaze
that's gonna kickstart a craze that gets my name placed
down in history for burning down his privacy.

Polish off your last glass, breathe out one last sigh,
and kiss your ass goodbye.
Get up and go, get up and go on with the show.
If you just stop trying, it'll come to you.
Get up and go, get up and go, give it a go.
When you've got to know, I guess I'll get up and go,
on with the show.

Give me a warning if it's called for,
I'll go plan our escape but there's no time to waste.
So keep those hips moving, moving side to side.
It'll make their eyes grow wide to keep them occupied.
Take it off like you know you should, I wouldn't give a damn if you said you never would.
Our heads are filled with the perfect tune,
so take my hand now, this will all be over soon.
Let the water hit your shoes, and pass over and over.

Polish off your last glass, breathe out one last sigh,
and kiss your ass goodbye.
Get up and go, get up and go on with the show.
If you just stop trying, it'll come to you.
Get up and go, get up and go, give it a go.
If you've got to know, I'm so over it.
If you just stop trying, it will come to you.
When you've got to know, I guess I'll get up and go,
on with the show.

BROKEN WINGS


Fight the fight alone
When the world is full of victims
Dims a fading light
In our souls

Leave the peace alone
How we all are slowly changing
Dims a fading light
In our souls

In my opinion seeing is to know
The things we hold
Are always first to go
And who's to say
We won't end up alone

On broken wings I'm falling
And it won't be long
The skin on me is burning
By the fires of the sun
On skinned knees
I'm bleeding
And it won't be long
I've got to find that meaning
I'll search for so long

Cry ourselves to sleep
We will sleep alone forever
Will you lay me down
In the same place with all I love

Mend the broken homes
Care for them they are our brothers
Save the fading light in our souls

In my opinion seeing is to know
What you give
Will always carry you
And who's to say
We won't survive it too

Set a-free all
Relying on their will
To make me all that I am
And all I'll be


to what humanity has become...go ahead and click the title

Dear God,

Why are you doing all these to me? You know that I am not that strong. Ease up a little and let me find my way back home please?

Regards

School is slowly beginning to chip away my soul. What happened to the comfort that our teachers gave? "everything is going to be so much easier after your A levels" is a total lie. Okay...perhaps partially because we boys get to take a break for two years. National Saikang isn't as bad as everyone thinks it is. Besides being confined for the weekdays and sometimes the weekend, I don't think there's nothing that I don't like about it. Although, I can hear a lot of people jumping on my defense and saying how wrong I am. But hey, to each his own. I got the good part while you're just unlucky to get it bad by being subordinated to people like me. Not like I'm a bad superior anyway.

So everyone's dying. Those who aren't, have nothing but school going on in their lives. That was an indirect way of me saying that they don't quite have a life. Hence, school is an incomplete package. Can you imagine what you're future employers are going to see when all they see on your resume is nothing but your so called excellent GPA? What about CCA? What about other things? TeeeeeeetTtt!! (im trying to emulate the sound of a buzzer there)

I'm supposed to be writing out my essays but so far, nothing coherent is coming to my mind. I hate writer's block. IF HDB was to actually build such a block, I'll shit at its lobby everyday and pee in the lift. In short, it'll be my toilet. By now, I'm pretty sure you get the idea but I just can't help to emphasize it because I cant seem to be able to write something coherent for the paper that's going to be graded.

I love bike rides. It gives me a peace of mind which then inspires me to write about a lot of things. But you see, that's the frustrating part. I can't note down these thoughts and no matter how hard I try to remember them, I would have probably forgotten about all of them when I finally get to park my bike. When that happens, comes to urge for me to get on again and ride. Well, you know what? I NEED OPEN ROADS!!! If it winds, It'll be so much better. Btw, it's winds as in winding not because I am grammatically illegitimate. Stop jumping on me guys. pffttt!!

So yes...I had fun today. The rain was merely a hump in a great day; so was the waiting time for each ride. Speaking of which, I hate a (dirty) joke. What does Viagra and roller-coasters have in common? You have to wait over an hour for 3 mins of fun. But other than that, I had a great time. Kinda reminds me why I'm still afraid of rollercoaster rides. YEs I AM! Is that supposed to be a revelation for you? Anyway, it's because I dont have any control. IT goes where it is supposed to go. That's what makes it so scary. I can't dictate when that initial dip(this is the scariest part by the way) will be and how the twists and turns will come about. SO there you go. (:

Bleargh!

I'm supposed to be doing my readings and all other nonsense but here i am writing out this nonsense. I guess, i'm very very selective about my nonsense.

Looking through my photos on FB, i guess I could see me slowly but sure transforming. Photos of me as a toddler that was posted up by my cousin kinda reminded me how all of us used to be young. Well, by that i mean't our parents too. When I look at how young my parents were then and how worn out they look now, I regret the times that I dont get to spend with them. With secondary school, it's because of them working. So I decided that I didn't want to stay at home too long because I stopped seeing the point of coming home to an empty house. So I picked up a lot of things to do with rugby making the bulk out of it.

That was 10 years ago. Now, I think im regretting the times that I don't get to spend with them: my family. True, one of the reasons why is that I am actually embarrased by their antics sometimes- with my mom speaking so loudly to us all that I guess the whole world knows what we are talking about( think lift with strangers in it plus my mom scolding my dad for being so slow :\)

I guess that's what make them them. They would talk so loudly that I suspect strangers think that me and my brothers must be deaf. And my dad, he just so chill about things. I've never seen him or heard him in a panic state before. Not even when I told him about an impending punishment that I might get for losing my "wife" over in Taiwan.

My parents have indeed make me who I am. Well, that said, I dare say that I have the best parents in the world- wouldn't trade them for anything at all.

Seeing how the times has worn them out...i feel a sense of sadness. They've never quite told me how they were like when they were young in whole- just bits and pieces here and there. But maybe because they were/are always so busy and all. But I wouldn't be who I am right now if it wasnt for them.

That said, I can sense some of you already thinking bad things about them for you think I have done something bad to you. Well..FUCK YOU! Things happen because they were meant to happen. No matter how much effort you put into things, it will never turn out the way you want it to be. Not even if you cry infront of others just to get their sympathy. To me, it's jsut an act of sucking up and that sucks- shows how parasitic your personality is like. Plus, to make others feel bad about their choice(even though its a good one), that's just as bad. Says a lot about you.

That out of the way, some parents are jsut so screwed up. They always think that what they're doing is right when it spells W-R-O-N-G. I get these people...they've committed so much mistakes in their past that nobody ever showed them what is right. It comes to a point that what they think is right is actually wrong.

Ah...i've lost my train of thought here and hell yeah did I digress here. Oh wells.

Cherish your youth, even when you're all wrinkly

It's been a damn long time since I've written anything here. The blame could probably be placed to the countless of writings that I have to do just to get that measly piece of paper halfway through 2012. Slowly but surely I am asking myself- Is this all worth it?

Life would surely be better off if I was on some faraway deserted island where all I do all day is relax, enjoy life and get served by beautiful servants (no dirty thoughts here please). I am sure somehow this fits into some of your very definition of paradise. Instead, what we all we want is to go through hell for a measly piece of heaven before ending up in hell for eternity.

I have a joke which sums up the point that I'm trying to get at here.
An investment banker was in a plane that crashed into the sea. He gets washed up onto an island which was had a small native population living on it. After he was nursed back to full health, he began to take notice of how the natives lived their lives. They did nothing all day but to laze around and occasionally fish for food and farmed just for sustenance. Nobody seems troubled as their life was that of lax. He thought to himself, "they could be so much better off if they did a lot more!"
So one day, he went up to the chief and started questioning him.
"Why is nobody really working here?" he asked.
"What for?" was the chief's reply.
"So that they can grow more food"
"What for?"
"So that you can export the food"
"What for?"
"So that you can make money for yourself!" the investment banker was getting annoyed at this point.
"What for?" the chief continued.
"So that you all can one day settle down peacefully on some tropical island and retire peacefully without any worries about the world"
"Isn't that what we're doing now?" came the chief's reply.

Each day, we are in pursuit of something...something that is intangible: happiness. We take that everything we do now is just a means to attain that. But slowly and surely, it chips away our soul bit by bit. Are we really happy in what we do? I guess the best way for any of us to love anything that we do is to do something which is an end in itself- like making money.

Fact is, I still have no idea why im here. I should have signed that damn paper 3 years ago and be part of ISAF by now. But, some some sheer carelessness, i opted out of it. Not a day goes by without me wondering about the "what ifs".

I guess, we live our lives thinking about the "what ifs". Each day is lived with us making choices. Having the chance to actually choose is what makes us all humans. While we may casually think that there are many options available for us all, fact is, at every second of our lives we are deciding whether to open door A or door B. There's only 2 choices for us. Only 2! Every other choice is basically the succession of the choice that we've made from the previous ones.

Time is a bitch on this one because it doesn't allow us to reverse on the choice that we make. It's constantly moving forward. But thankfully, with the blessings of ingenuity, us humans have been able to delay the effects of time- we are now allowed to move horizontally. Progression doesn't always take place vertically; it sometimes takes place horizontally. Like from JC to Poly kind of thing. It is still a progression. We choose exhaustively without thinking much of the consequences of our daily lives. We choose and choose until we hit a brick wall. If you hit one literally, then, go see a doctor for it because I'm talking analogically. Upon the confrontation with that brick wall, we then have the option of sliding sideways. It's a slim chance but the chance is there nontheless. It's like looking for a that hole with sunlight in a dark cave- you either go for it or you'll remain there in the dark. Either way, there has to be progression.

Consequences do come with each and every choice that we make. Right now, the choice that I've made to write this out has resulted in me not doing my readings or any of my reports. But it's a choice I've made and we live with the choices we make. In order for us to make "smarter" choices we have to gain that sense of maturity. Here, I define maturity as having a full sense of consequences from the choices that we make. We never make our choices blindly. How we choose has been shaped by the people around us, and also past events that has brought us to the point of life that we are at now.

Too bad, nobody realizes this- we actually live our lives in a big circle. Ever wondered as to why a certain point of our lives seems so familiar? We have a term for it: mid-life crisis. It's exactly the same point where we decide what to do with the rest of our lives. Think O levels or A levels. That period of time left you wondering, "what the hell should I do next?" But thankfully, during our youth, we have our family, friends and also our teachers to guide us. Try doing that at the age of 40. The only sources of guides that you'll have are: mortgage, your family and your kids' education. But we get by...by god we do. That's the amazing character of humans: our resilience.

Well, after that period, you think you're doing fine because you got by. Wait till 50 hits you and then 60. The sad thing about us all is that we are only temporary. We are temporary in other people's live. We are temporary at a place. We are only temporarily on earth. The constant being of temporariness.

Life starts with us jumping off a diving board aiming for a perfect entry into that small hole at the bottom. Many of us fall short and land on the sides of that small hole.

PERFECTION

Everyone is striving for this. To be perfect. To want everything to be perfect. It is a crime to ourselves if we fall short of being perfect. What does this word mean?

To many of us, it simply means getting everything correctly done. To others, it means nothing goes wrong. Its a half-full, half-empty kind of dialectic. It's a shame that we have turn our minds to an explaination so simple that we lose foresight of what this word really means.

"I am a perfectionist!"
Many of us proudly exclaim this fact and then deliberately ignore the "urgh!" faces that everyone around us makes. Some of us even suffer from violent spasms whenever we hear this and when we finally gain conscious, we find the perfectionist perfectly lying on the perfect floor with a perfect red mark which suspiciously has the same size as our palm on their face. Then again, you can always exclaim, "whoops! Im sorry! Im not perfect you see.."

Nobody has ever realized the true meaning of perfect. Here is a list of things that it really means.

Paranoia
We never ever want to get things wrong. When things go wrong, we panic! At best, we resign to fate which is good because we then realize that we can get everything to go our way (unless you're me of course). Because we want everything to go right (aka our way), we tend not to trust others so willingly. We end up doing all things ourselves and then scream in angst when we realize what we're really doing is digging a deeper hole (which is only good if you want to end up on the other side of the world aka China or NTU).

I mean, look at Hitler! He had a good thing going. He could have even stopped the Allied invasion dead in it's tracks in Normandy. Instead, his distrust in his Generals meant that they didn't have the capability to mobolize the Panzer reserves to unleash hell on the Allied attacks. They had to ask for his permission and even then, he'll only consider about it. By the time he approved of it all, the Allies were already in too deep. That fellow commited suicide just over a year later. He was a perfectionist!

Are you going to perfect everything that goes wrong? I guess, yes and no. Well, wanting things to be perfect isnt wrong. No wait, it actually is! You can never get perfection. What you want to strive for is greatness. Perfection is overated. And soon, perfectionists will be walloped by the anarchist who wants nothing to be in order (but that itself is a certain kind of social order).

All I am saying is that, don't be so bothered about every little thing that doesn't go according to your way. Two wrongs makes a right anyway. So, if you keep doing something and you think you're going the wrong way, just do it one more time and then you're sure to be on the right path soon enough.

Don't let wanting things to be perfect consume you. Perfection is in the others of how others see you. It's whether you are perfect to them or not. NEVER EVER compromise on your values and your traits. That's not being perfect, that's being accomodating. So unless you're a hotel or a hotel manager (even if its the kind found on Facebook), do yourself a favour and dont do that...it's just too insulting.

Prefects are certainly not perfect

If there's one way of describing how I feel now, it would be melanchonically angsty. I don't know how else to feel except this way. I guess, it borders between being sian and dulan. The week has been very hectic and the new job is rather demanding on the part of the managers. They're treating me as if I'm on a term break or something. Think I'll need to cut down on the working hours just so that I can finish my school work, work and not be so tired the next day that all I want to do is to sleep.

Time is never on my side. It's ever so fleeting which is painfully annoying. If I had just one or two hours more in a day, I think I'll be able to do so much more. Is there actually a way to slow things down so that I can actually get more done? If you know of such a way to do that, let me know. I'd really appreciate that. Imagine this, me being a blur to everyone while everyone else seems to be creeps(just because they move and creeping speed).

I know what I just blabbered about seems incoherent. I FEEL incoherent. Maybe even disconnected. It's like whatever is being taught in this semester doesn't make sense at all. Sure, I do go to classes and all but yeah, it's beginning to seem that it doesn't make a fucking difference whether I do or not; I come out still feeling clueless.

Yes yes, I can hear some of you sniggering away about me and my incompetence. Go ahead then. You might get far in what you're doing right now, but always remember- It was the tortoise that won the race.

Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself

I have been getting such weird dreams lately. They have been getting so weird lately that the realm of dreams and reality have been blurred into on big mess(or I should say?). Many have told me that dreams is the toy of the devil. Well, if so, I guess I am playing his game pretty well and perhaps, I am even outplaying him.

It came to a point that I was "shown" this particular phrase which I tried to record as closely as my memory permits.
We will always treasure the representatives of how each friendship begins and how it ensues. We will forever think about the friendships forged and when we think about what it was like before they were forged, we cringe.

That is as far as I can remember. Try googling it. I can't find it anywhere. Along with that, I have been "interacting" with different characters. It all makes it seem that I have a past life which I am trying so hard to forget but it keeps on haunting me. It is all making me seem that in my previous life, I was someone who kills and kills- but not for no reason. Perhaps that could explain my superior sense of protecting- of becoming a sheep dog, protecting the herd of sheep from the wolves.

All this is seemingly incoherent right now. But each time I retire, all questions that I have thought of either consciously or subconsciously gets answered. Sometimes, it's not even the ones that I wanted to be answered right away. But it's as though I am given revelations as to how things are like, was like and is going to be. Last night, I dreamt about how the world was going to end- it was so fucking scary.

I actually confided in my elder brother, one who I continually blame myself for he actually turned out(I shall share it with you if you ask. Im very selective who I share this with so be honored if I do). In him, I told him I was not ready to die. I told him that the angels require me to do a lot more good if I do not want to end up in hell because it seems like I was going to be there for all eternity. I told him that he has to help me hold back the angel of death just so that I can accomplish my goals that God has set out for me. In that sense, I told him that God has asked me to revert all that mankind has done to prevent Armageddon. It seems like it was possible.

I don't know, it all seems so real. I actually felt the fear. I actually felt the frustration. For the first time, I actually felt that I was given the truth about my existence.

Then again, perhaps I have been played too much by the devil into all this.

But then, the person whom i confided in was no other than my elder brother. The one person whom actually felt hurt by my own trait of wanting to do things on my own; of wanting to sort things out on my own. Honestly, I cry when I come to think of my family's demise. No, its not like I am wanting it to happen or else, why would I cry? It scares the hell out of me(too bad that doesn't get me to heaven)! I cannot imagine a time where they dont exist. Hmm..perhaps that was what it was meant by that phrase.

Who am I?

So Hot And You Sweat On It


I'm not a kid you would call a tradition.
And I don't give a fuck about the human condition.
Or regard warnings or lurking suspicions.
Of a life lead after dark.
I'm not one to think that half the suspense is.
Knowing what actions have consequences.
Or knowing what day in the week it really is.
Not that it ever mattered.

I'm sure I'll see you around.
'Cause I don't get up until the sun is down.
So if you think that you can wait around.
I will be back to see you off in the morning.

I got this thing it's called having a good time.
The only difference is that I don't rock sunshine.
Or a rainy day get away that always makes me stay in the same place.
So let me be candid.
I know you can't stand it.
When I push the subject and you push the rhythm of speech.

I'm sure I'll see you around.
'Cause I don't get up until the sun is down.
So if you think that you can wait around.
I will be back to see you off in the morning.

I'm stuck in a town that's not enough for me.
Don't tell me that it's easy.
Some say that I'm bad news but I got some news for you.
We live a life that nobody knows.
We're having fun and I'm sure that it really shows.
Obnoxiously and selfishly.
But we have our way of keeping ourselves busy.

I'm sure I'll see you around.
'Cause I don't get up until the sun is down.
So if you think that you can wait around.
I will be back to see you off in the morning.

I will be back to see you off in the morning

Says it all doesn't it? Click on the title to listen to it.

Sam's not turning out how I hope he would be. It seems like there's still a lot that needs to be done before I can even think of thinking of taking him out to stretch his legs along the North-South Highway. It's a bit ambitious (and pretentious to some) I know. But you only live once so what the hell right (I might even end up there too along with all of you! hahahaha! *evil laughter*)? But yeah, I've taught about it and one of the things I would like to do is to do a solo-ride worldwide- after which my butt will be as wide as the tires of my bike.

School isn't how I hope it'd turn out to be either. I don't know why this semester is very overwhelming. It seems like everything is a blur when I am rushing from point to point. Smoking, as it seems, is the only solace to put things clearly into perspective- everything slows down forcibly, nobody is really there to distract me or talk to me for that matter (yes yes, it stinks i know), and yes, you just sit there and take one drag after another AND most importantly, you need to have coffee by your side. That is the ultimate combination of the two stimulants. One simply cannot work without the other. Unless you substitute coffee for red bull that is..but it's just not quite the same.

I don't understand how people can contradict themselves so much. It's like being angry with someone for missing them so much. I must admit that I am one of those people who RARELY contradict myself(that is a very bias statement but then, this is a very bias blog so suck it). It's really strange- people. We are the only beings on this planet(or perhaps amongst the planets) who are wiling to kill another human being for the greater good. What is the greater good? Good is something that someone terms something because it benefits them. So, is it really the greater good? If so...who is it for?

Anyway, as you can see, i don't contradict. I just get distracted. So yes, that is one case in point. Another would be that they would tell you something but when you give your input (just a teeny weeny one), they'd change their entire point and make it seem like as though you were the one who actually came up with that original point. I can only be amused and flabbergasted at any attempts of a a recovery.

Krav Maga at $200 for 10 sessions doesn't sound too expensive does it? Well, we'll see how it goes. It'd be good for me since it's been such a long time ever since I did any fighting of any sort (legal or illegal). And yes, fighting with words is just like taking a satay stick and then pretend you're fencing. It is the epitome of being lame. Physical violence or being brutish is what shaped our world into what it is right now. Without war, there can be no peace. And from this prolonged peace, everyone gets restless so they try to pick fights. Take Iraq and Afghanistan for example. Poor bastards. Iran, you're next in the list just for building a nuclear reactor plant. LOL. It's like us getting attack by our neighbor just for building the new water plant and water desalination plant (which means we don't have to buy so much water anymore). The day that happens, I'd say that that will be a load of crap. But hey, at least I'd get a chance to fight (:

One, little two, little three, little...

Everyone should be trusted until they have proven themselves untrustworthy beyond reasonable doubt

IF you were to use this mantra while doing what I do, then I guess you're in for a big surprise. That line speaks volumes about you being so goddamn naive about everything- in this instance other people.

But yes, I do believe that there are good in people. It's just buried so deep within that they themselves believe that doing good would only result in the benefit of others and that they would gain nothing.

They would gain nothing... That phrase itself goes to show how much of a human being we human beings can be. But some do go out of the way to actually prove themselves untrustworthy(if there is no such word as this, there is now).

So yes, it is true that I don't trust easily. But it is a paradox in the sense that if I don't trust, I cant love(in any possible way that is). But to trust is to be vulnerable and if there's one thing I loath the most is the feeling of vulnerableness. Once bitten, twice shy. Enough is enough. But I guess these walls around me that I've built can be crumbled if one cares enough to take the pains to actually bring it tumbling down.

Although...I don't think it can actually tumble down. Ok ok..maybe not bring it tumbling down but to scale it and join me inside the walls that I've built. IT's like a castle or fortress. But with any design, there is a soft spot that once hit, you can actually penetrate through and get to me. Guess not everyone can or will notice that.

But with trust(or the lost of it), I suppose there is also redemption. No religion has stated that once you've sinned, you cannot be redeemed. WEll, not the ones that I know of anyway. SO i'm going to leave it as that..

A single lie can cloud a thousand truth

Life has been pretty WTF lately. Assignments and readings keep on piling and all that im doing with them is just shoving them aside(like what im doing now). Just wish that I had more time in a day so that I can actually get things done. Being an aggressive procrastinator does help either(go figure out how one does that). In other words, I procrastinate aggressively(like I said, go figure that one out).

Rugby has turned out to be a chore. With a coach that seems more like a magician(he should change his name to David Copperfield or something) than what he hired him to do(to coach obviously), I actually have to step up to the plate and train everyone. As a result, I don't get to train myself. How the fuck am I suppose to improve as a player really? It's not like I'm a rugby legend or something that I don't need the training. I seriously do need the training or else why do I actually bother to turn up at every session? FUBAR. Different year, same shit.

Well, the only good thing is that Im actually getting a new bike. Well, not exactly new; old bike new rider. Nevertheless Im quite excited even though that means that every month, I owe someone $120 for the next 3 years(someone being the shop). Well, at least I can afford it. Once I start working, time to aim big(literally). Yeah bebeh!!!

Pardon my rather erratic behavior. But I guess that's how the cookie crumbles. I suppose I have actually snapped. Awesome possum.

A leader is one who, out of madness or goodness, volunteers to take upon himself the woe of the people. There are few men so foolish, hence the erratic quality of leadership in the world

Obligations...
That word is simply a bitch. It sucks the fun out of everything because you are obligated to do something means you can't enjoy it while you're at it. In a sense, you've been dutied so that means it has become an objective which you have to accomplish. When is achieving an objective ever fun? Remember those adventure camps that you went to when you were still in school? Everything was so exciting when you're packing and what nots...then you reach the campsite and everything goes downhill from there.

I've digressed. But that's also because whatever that I INTENDED to write about here has somehow dissapated from my mind. Well, I'll improvise.

One thing I still am extremely peeved about is the way people would leave their droppings on my space and not even have the courtesy to tell me who they are. Then again, who leaves their crap and tell everyone that it was them who left it there anyway? Guess, nobody does that. So okay, I respect that! You may choose not to tell me who you actually are when you leave your crap lying around on my space. Permission granted!

School sucks big time! All that's been happening lately, I simply hope that it will all be worth it in the future because right now, whatever is happening or has already happened has somehow persuaded me that it is not that worth it anymore. It's like how the Great War was fought. It started out as a war for justice; to show who was right! Eventually, it only showed who was left and only then did people realize that it wasn't worth it anymore. I bet every leader then could be heard mumbling, "It was a good idea at that time.."

This investment of time and energy(and even my soul which I am pretty sure I'll never be able to get back any of it) is seriously demanding. Sometimes I wonder if whatever I am doing is really worth it all. I sometimes(keyword being sometimes) envy those who's only activity in school is just to go to class, mingle a little and do assignments. They have nothing else in the world to do(aka no life) so that means they have all the time in the world to do whatever the fuck they want to(aka to get a life).

Then there are those who are already working. Things couldn't get any simpler than that. Go to work, do your work. Go home rest and not care about work at all. Right now, there is a blur in my two dimensions. School, work and home has all blurred into one big mess. There are no separations at all except for the one in terms of space. Other than that, it's all jumbled up into one big gooey shit that I am slowly picking off from my deteriorating body.

It gets tiring. Really really tiring. Between assignments and readings, I have trainings, a part-time job and basically little to no quality time with the girlfriend. Life couldn't get any shittier than it already is. Got to dig my way out of this shithole. NIE people have it easy..honestly. And anyone else who has yet to embrace any leadership roles in anything or anywhere near it has no idea what is it like to juggle to the point of near insanity.

Well, the line has been blurred anyway. I've lost track of time- well days to be exact. This morning, I woke up at 7 ready to run errands thinking it was acutally a Monday only to fall asleep again and waking up an hour later thinking that it was actually Tuesday. So I got up, and went to sit on the sofa only to stone for an hour(without even realizing it) and then realizing that today was actually a Wednesday. Can you imagine the horror? Well, neither can I. I was as cool as a cucumber(couldn't get any cheesier than this hehs). I even took my own sweet time to get to school despite it already being 5mins past the starting of my lecture(and I was still at home despite of that).

AH FUCK! Just gonna roll with the punches.

If there is one song to describe how things are for me right now, this would be it...

I've seen so many cities
Fall down to their knees
I'm begging you, please
Don't bury me underneath their crumbled walls
My barren thoughts weigh heavier
Than the weight of our demands

I feel the pressure building up inside my head
I feel the distance drowning me in my own sweat
Cause I need the cold now
It's my turn to roll out all the stops
And show that I know where I have to go

I've got to find my way back
Retrace my steps
So I can prove to you that I'm alive
Crawling my way back to the place
I know that's meant for me to find my way back
To find my way back home

I feel the heat and what it's doing to me
I've been pulling at my own skin
To hide my face
It's hard to relate
Forget the way you feel when you are safe at home
You leave this world alone, stone by stone
If only I had known about the

Pressure building up inside my head
I feel the distance drowning me in my own sweat
Cause I need the cold now
It's my turn to roll out all the stops
And show that I know where I have to go

I've got to find my way back
Retrace my steps
So I can prove to you that I'm alive
Crawling my way back to the place
I know that's meant for me to find my way back
Find my way back home

One mile left
It lasts a lifetime
Like a promise kept
Under the weight of the world
Falling down on your shoulders
It's colder

I've got to find my way back
Retrace my steps
So I can prove to you that I'm alive
Crawling my way back to the place
I know that's meant for me to find my way back
Find my way back home
Find my way back home
Cause I've been crawling my way back to the place
I know that's meant for me to find my way back
Find my way back home

I guess if there's one thing to describe what's going through my head right now it would be messed up. I feel so restless when I should be at peace right now with myself. The neck sprain seriously isnt helping at all. And whatever that's "wrong" with me is just simply annoying.

Well, everyone was fine just now. Until that nincompoop of a student I have came over for tuition. I dont get it- no matter how many times I teach him the same concept over and over again, he just doesnt get. Well, sometimes he does, but only for 5 mins. Then after that, it'll be back to me teaching him over and over and over and over again. How can that not be frustrating. Fine, I can already here the "teachers-to-be"(and some wannabe teachers) sniggering away. But if you had a kid like that, it'll ruin your day no matter how good it gets at the end of it. And talking to him makes you feel that talking to the wall would land you in a fruitful and meaningful conversation. That's just how bad it is.

Well, im not with moe so he can't stop me from saying whatever I want about my students. I don't know what else to do with this one. His friends have already gone up to secondary school but he's still stuck in primary. I even taught his friend who happened to be in the foundation stream as well but has since gone from a basketcase to a fruit of basketcase(if you don't get it, you belong to the first category along with that nincompoop).

Ahhhh school. It is such a chore studying. Again, I don't think those across the bridge qualifies as part of this group. If you get paid to study, and then work in the exact same line of what you were taught, it isn't called being a student- that's what a trainee does. WE pay to do what we do. And we keep paying and paying. So there, in that sense, fears us into trying to excel- the operative word being "trying". Im hating this life already. It's like im leading a double life- working on the side for the money that I need badly. Working on the side...that sounds stupid on so many levels. It's always a meagre amount that I bring back everytime.

I'm just spewing out gibberish here because I am trying to make sense of what's going through my head right now. But no worries, there's no voice telling me to do anything- not yet anyway.

Eccentricism is used to describe only the rich. The poor are jsut insane

Hari Raya this year is rather so-so for me. I don't really see the need to celebrate past the first day really. Hmm, maybe the meaning of this celebration has been lost to me. I can't really put a finger to it but if I was to take a shot it the dark, I'd say that I wasn't really looking forward to it.

I guess, the only thing that I felt yesterday was a huge sense of relieve. Gone are the days that I'd actually look forward to the auspicious day. Right now, I am rather indifferent to it. Heck, I'm in school to get all of my stuff printed out(and then worry if I actually have got the time to read them all). Time is really a luxury. School is seriously taking the best out of my optimism. I am slowly crossing over into being a pessimist. Perhaps, I am just a realist- it is neither half full, nor half empty; just drink the damn water and get yourself another one afterwards.

Slowly but sure, I think my passion for rugby is waning. Not that I am intentionally doing so but my injuries are just too overwhelming at times. On top of that, I have a team to manage and everything. Sometimes, managing the boys makes me feel like I am running a day care centre. But, I guess I am (barely)managing. Like I said, I didnt ask for the position. It was given to me. And when I am given the honor of such things, that means that I must have done something right(or perhaps not doing too much of the wrong stuff- either way).

Back to Hari Raya, my cousins are really the saving grace for yesterday. Catching up is the only thing that gives any meaning(or what is left) for the celebrations. Being able to talk about anything without having to hold...

[I got chased away from the library as it was almost closing time..i am continuing the next day]

..anyway, being able to talk to someone without the fear of any consequences(as there isn't any to begin with) is a luxury which you cannot find in just anyone. When has it been the instance that you can talk to someone without the fear that you might hurt their feelings or that you're really trying to humor them(and sometimes, the only humor they are getting is from laughing AT you). Chances are, those kind of people are one in a million. Sometimes, even our life partners are not the kind that we were hoping for them to turn out. So when we do find that kind of people, the likelihood of calling them our soulmate tends to be rather high. Well, everything does seem like a good idea at A point of time. But as the time goes by....

Anyway, my train of thought has been disrupted by stupid closing hours. Why can't the just keep certain places open 24 hours a day. Wouldn't that be a simpler way of creating more jobs instead of thinking of ideas to open up new places to create jobs? Just take the places that we already have and keep them running the entire day. Trade space for time, trade time for space- money is still being generated isn't it? Sheesh...wonder how these people get paid so much but are too afraid to come up with such ideas. So much so for a vibrant city where everyone's asleep at night...

With our thoughts, we make the world

I think i've finally settled into the motion of the semester. How not to when the tides of change are just too overwhelming. Anyway, I've been putting on hold to writing what I really wanted to write since a few months back: relationships. It seems that each time that I actually am inspired to write about it, I'd be in bed tossing and turning like a salad(that is about to go bad). But when I am infront of the monitor, it all seems to dissapate. What luck.

It peeves me off that people comment about my thoughts but then leave no trail as to how I could actually correspond with them. What's worse is that they leave me one liners in criticizing my point of view(s) without any actually evidence(s). So, what's the point of commenting when you don't do either of that. If you are too ashamed of explaining yourself fully, then the least you could do is to make yourself contactable so that there is actually an avenue to correspond. If not, you might as well keep the comment(s) to yourself because it doesnt serve anyone any good. Well, unless you are that "someone" who I think you are, your comments are more than welcome on my space. But please, great minds do not get ejected out of the womb; it is created through the dialectic of two(or more) average minds who's intent is to better whatever that has been said.

Have some guts if you want to say something. If not, better not say it at all.

your ego's cashing cheques that your body can't cash

Somebody give me a sign, that everything's going as planned

The first week of school is rounding up and I have yet to get into the groove of a student's life once again. The holidays was well stretched. There was simply enough time for everything and for everything there was it's own pace. But with the semester beckoning, it seems like I have to rethink the pace of how things are going to be like. Looking through the course outlines, it seems like the thought of going through the semester is very very intimidating. Plus the mentioning of FYP scares the shit out of me(bye-bye constipation!). Wonder if it is still possible if I am able to take it all in my own stride.

Other than that, taking over as captain for the school team wasn't as easy as I thought it would be like. Now, I have responsibilities towards a bunch of grown-up babies with their own set of qualms about every single thing that you can(or cannot) think of. I don't think I can enjoy rugby like I used to. Now, I'd have to think of the team as well instead of just the game. Well, metting out the list of nominees for my exco probably lifted off some burden of my shoulders. I'd probably be delegating more from here on out with the team coming back together with the start of the semester.

I can't believe im just talking about how sucky my life can get. Right now, while doing this, I'm thinking about which readings I'd have to do so that I don't get left behind in class. I've got to seriously pull up my GPA after the fiasco that was last semester. I guess, all that drama was so intense that I was beginning to find it "entertaining". It was so "entertaining" that my TV has lost its purpose in the living room. It took more than 400 channels to surf on for me to using the TV for that purpose instead of being one.

Im not making sense. Guess my mind is all jumbled up with thoughts and worries. So is my heart. I'm not sure that this is the path that God wanted me to take 3 years back(or is it 2?). Life in the army would have been so much better as the career path laid out for me seems pretty tempting. Ahh...the operative word being 'tempting' means that it was a distraction for me. But anyway, that is the life that I do crave for. If one has gone through it, you would know. You either love it or hate it. Those who haven't, please dont even begin to imagine.

This brings me on to my next point. I just don't understand why those who did "NS" in the police of civil defence keeps dissing us boys in green. Sure you did "real" work. Well, truth be told, most of you are there because you can't don green for one reason or another(mainly political here). Ok ok...so you do do real work. But does that mean that it gives you anymore of a reason to say that because you do, us army boys are just "playing" around in the jungle?

An officer once told me, "Do you know why we are a strong country? It's because we have a strong military and therefore nobody wants to attack us. Don't believe what other people say about us not being tested. It's precisely because we are THAT strong that nobody wants to test us." That somehow comforted me.

This road to "manhood", from boys to men: NS. I have my own set of criteria if you want to claim to me that you already did your national service.
1) You've dug at least one shellscrape. If you can find an equivalent to this, then you're fine.
2) There was a time that you slept less 30mins for a period of staying awake for at lease 72 hours.
3) You thought you were actually in hell because you were tired, hungry, wet and cold but there was simply no way out(or still a long way out) of the situation.
4) You were married to something that was about a meter long.
5) Your weekends got constantly "burnt"
6) You've spent at least one major holiday in some foreign country far away from your family and have minimal contact with them

I guess I can only think of 6 criteria for now. If you were to say that you have already did your NS, I'd say you have to hit at least 4 out of 6(im being extremely lenient here), then I'd say that yes, you did your NS. So what's the moral of the story? Stop dissing. Without us, you police boys would have no thiefs to catch; they would all be already dead and so would you. Without us, you would have no station to house your fire engines because it would have probably be bombed out.

Mules are always boasting that their ancestors were horses

Captaining a team at this level is really hard. So hard that I'm actually taking my time to sort things out even though there tons to be done. I miss those days when being the captain of the team simply meant that I was one of the better players in the team. Right now, I think I'm quite a distant away from even being a decent player. Honestly, I am still shell-shocked from te day they told me that I was going to be made captain of the team. I thought it was a joke or something but as it turns out, it was no joke at all. Well, even if I was hoping for a leadership post inside the team, the most would be vice-captain since I wasn't even one in the previous seasons.

some men desire greatness, but little do they realize that greatness often gets thrown to those who least expects it; much less even desire for it

That said, it's not a declaration of my resignation or anything remotely possible along those lines. But yeah, it was a lot easier in secondary school and JC when the teacher ran the show while I simply led the team on the field. In uni, I am to lead both and off the field. Right now, what I have to settle with the other unis is the date for this year's Singapore University Games tournament. They want to play on the Hari Raya weekend(WTF?!). I mean, try playing a tournament on the 2nd day of CNY or even a day after Christmas or on the New Year itself. If we can have tourneys on those days as well, that I'll gadly adhere to those dates set instead of making a big fuss about it. Till the, I'm going to be making one he'll of a noise.

Another thing that's giving me a headache is the player's commitment to the team. It seems that the older we get, the more childish we become. I mean, with the tourney date so near, why can't people just make their social plans around the days that we train. I didn't know twice a week of training is so hard to commit to. And the excuses(not reasons) that they come up with are simply intolerable. I mean if it's something that involves a problem in the family, that I guess that there isn't much of a choice. Bit still, if one was dedicated enough, they would have actually take the pains of planning if around training hours(which are really precious due the faggot YOG which makes the hours really limited). If they were me, they would have been ignorant of any other plans other than training. But they're not me and I'm not them. So, I'd have to (soon) suffer from high blood pressure thinking of sorting out these miscellaneous qualms that these babies come up wtih. I can't help but to think of myself kore as a baby sitter than a Rugby captain.

If there's one thing that I fear is that I fear i might be losing myself as player. The absence of a coach(has since been rectified) meant that I had to pull up the slack and take over. That also meant that I couldn't train. Well, I hope that all thaws blows over soon(quickly please) so that I'd be able to enjoy myself again with this game which I had picked up ever since I crossed the line of puberty.

Being perfect is not about that scoreboard out there. It's not about winning. It's about you and your relationship with yourself, your family and your friends. Being perfect is about being able to look your friends in the eye and know that you didnt let them down because you told them the truth. And that truth is you did everything you could. There wasnt one more thing you could've done. Can you live in that moment as best you can, with clear eyes, and love in your heart, with joy in your heart? If you can do that gentleman - you're perfect!

Wise words from something which people deemed to be just another game. It's from the movie really- Friday Night Lights. So far, there has yet to be another sports movie that kept me glued to the screen unlike this one. Well, if it is enough to spur me to write about something, I'd say it is one damn good of a movie. If it was in the theaters, any movie that doesn't put me to sleep is one that is worth your money.

You just-you ain't gettin' it. You don't understand. This is the only thing you're ever gonna have. Forever, it carries you forever. It's an ugly fact of life. Donnie, hell. It's the only fact of life. You got one year, one stinkin' year to make yourself some memories, son. That's all. It's gone after that. And I'll be damned if you're not gonna miss it.

No game is just a game. It is in fact, a fact of life. Nobody but the people in the team, or in the sport, can understand that. Spectators just don't get it. Nobody else does. Those teachers who would wonder why I'd be so upset about losing "just a match". Well, not just teachers, my friends as well. My family don't even understand why I keep doing it. I know it hurts for my parents to see their son coming home all injured after every game. Well, I'm still injured from last season but I am trying my best to cover it up and show them that I can be perfect.

I still remember all the important matches that I've lost. 2005, PJC vs CJC for the Plate Championship. It was crunch time and I just did not bring it into the game. The pressure was just too overwhelming. I looked in the faces of my team mates and they all gave me the same look- they were looking to find hope in me. I looked to the crowds to see any familiar faces that might calm me down- I found none. So, I crumbled that day- the day which I can never forget.

People around me kept telling me, that it's alright. It was just a game; life goes on. Fact is, how do you look into the eyes that you have failed and telling them the same thing? For many, that was probably the last time they played any rugby. Sure as hell wasn't a good way to mark a chapter of your life by crapping out at the finals. I have yet to be at peace with myself with that game. I don't know why when the pressure builds up, I am just not there when everyone needs me the most. I am not there myself when I need myself the most. It didn't help that I lost whatever I've trained over the months to some random illness just 2 weeks before that day. It's like this fucking daze that I'll be in and no matter how much I try to shake myself out of it, it just doesn't go away.

That daze put me on the spot twice last season. During the Singapore University Games, at the finals, the last few moments of the finals, I crapped out again and found myself in a daze. I tried to shake myself out of it, to be there for my team mates, to be perfect- but the more I shook, the dizzier I got. I was fumbled. We lost that one. That same night, I got dumped.

The University Championship, I crapped out again. Dazed as ever when all season, all I ever wanted to achieve was perfection. Which I did! I've never felt so good about myself (only to be brought down every now and then by some emotional guilt trip that I'll be put under) as each game I blazed through and surpassed all expectations. But in that finals, I just couldn't find it in me to be perfect. So I dug deep. It was only when I was deep enough that I found myself again. Alas it was all too late as the final whistle blew to seal the fate of that game.

Somehow, I was looking to find a familiar face in the crowds to comfort me. I just don't know why I did it but I did. My team depended on me, and I crumbled as I depended on a familiar face which couldn't be found.

Nobody can truly understand this because you have yet to go through such a moment. Any games involving sticks belongs to the nursery room. At most, a pool table. Rugby; football(American football that is) are the only games that can ever ignite anyone's emotions, feelings and even intelligence(give a professor a boxing glove and I'll be able to beat hip good with my bare hands). Besides that, it's because I have went through it time and time and time again.

Those are the moments which one never forgets. Because I know that I won't be playing this game forever. And some point, I will be stopping. My knee and shoulders are already begging me to stop. But I cant go out like this. I have 2 more years to make some damn good memories of this game. I've got to remember how it felt like to be champions just like in 2001. I need to be addicted to that feeling. My days are numbered. I wonder if my team mates realize that.

We're in the business of winning.

It's been a longggggggggggggg longgggggggggggggg time since I wrote anything here(I just had to emphasize on that). The holidays are almost up and I feel that it somehow isn't being fully utilized in a sense that I have yet to go anywhere. Almost 4 months of holidays and the furthest I've been to would be JB. Then again, do I really need to be going anywhere? Late nights..slack hours..work whenever I want to(super flexible hours!)..do whatever I want...well the list goes on really. It's really just me lazing around and not caring about anything at all. Save for a couple of things.

I have recently realized something about myself. When the going gets tough, the tough disappears. Recently, I've taken over the school's rugby team. So now, I actually have 2 things that I have to manage...unpaid! Besides the qualms that the grown-up babies (aka my NSmen) are giving me, I'd have to settle the ones with the team as well. A lot of times, when I feel that it's getting too much, I'd just lay in stasis and not do anything about it. They'd keep pounding me for something but I'd just not bother about it and move on.

Truth be told, those are merely examples of my withdrawals. Like in an attack, when you fear that your forces are getting to disorganized, withdraw to reorganize before mounting another attack. That way, you won't be overwhelmed by the ferocity of your enemies and also the rapid dissolution of your own forces. Well, Sun Tzu taught me that. I guess, that's how I really am. Could that possibly explain my lackluster for the previous semester? I mean, the anger carried me through well during the first part of it. But after losing the finals, I felt that it was all to overwhelming and so I retreated to this safe spot where I just couldn't be bothered about anything.

The thing is, no matter how much you encourage me to do something, I simply won't be bothered. I set my own pace. People who have tried to pace me in my runs have found out about that. Many have been frustrated about me and my "tantrums" that they would just leave me behind. Some have even found out that they were overtaken by me eventually towards the end. So i guess, the more I am forced to something, the more I will force myself to the exact opposite. I guess, a little bit of encourage does work sometimes. But the best motivation has to come from within. If you'd know how to activate that, I'd say you'll be ruling a country anytime soon. Right now, I'm just ruling the pitch. Who knows?

Right now, I'm glad only those two things are on my mind. Working is a priority. I'd still want to get myself a new bike. It's really time to let go of this one. It's old and sickly. God knows who much i've spent on this bike time and time again...just because I choose to take it easy on the road(I don't know why some people claim that I've one devil on the road when they choose to go that slowly). Well, lets wait till school starts. I guess, that's where the madness really begins. If I am able to graduate, I think, I might be qualified to work in a circus as a professional juggler. That, or something else other than teaching. Teaching would be the super last resort(and that would be after 6 months of being jobless).

I guess there's nothing much that I would like to write at the moment. Believe me, I have tons to write about here! Just that I am not in the right mood to write anything yet. Perhaps, soon that mood will come to me and I'd be blabbering my way thru for my own writing pleasure, and your reading pleasure(can you make that sentence sound dirty? I can!)

The any reason to doing anything is because I can, that's why

Hmm.. a lot has been happening since I last wrote anything. Again, I haven't found the muse to write anything here. Each time I thought of something to write, I would forget about it completely by the time I get to a computer.

So I guess I'm going to keep it short and sweet by writing out what happened so far...here we go.
1) I've been made captain of the school team so God help me now.
2) I'm still waiting for my TP. It's about a month away and I've already completed all my practicals.
3) I've found someone who would rubbish with me (:
4) I'm earning from 3 different sources now
5) I've already got a bike in mind
6) I've got nothing in my mind now

So there you go. Short and sweet. Just like me. Minus the short part that is.

As a kid, I never knew of this thing called death until my grandfather passed away when I was only 5. I didn't know how to deal with that as a kid so I did what any other kid would do when they meet other kids- play. More than a decade later, my cousin passed away followed by my grandmother a year later. I still didn't know how to react to that. To me, I just felt empty- emotionless.

Perhaps that is the way I grieve. Rather, perhaps that is how things are since I do not have a lot of fond memories with them. I was too young to know my grandfather that well. By the time I was conscious of my being, my grandmother had already suffered a couple of strokes enough to impair her cognitive and communication skills. The only memory I have of my cousin was the numerous times we would visit him in the hospital(I wrote something about family gatherings and hospitals last year) due to the strange illness that he was suffering from. Thankfully, God saw how HE could no longer make him suffer and decided to end it all for him. I guess, the same went for my grandparents as well.

The only memories that I have about my grandparents all came from what my parents told me- how much they would dote on me and my elder brother despite being the trouble that we were. We're still troublesome but on different levels: nobody really bothers about the trouble that my brother makes because it only affects the environment on a personal level. Mine, on the other hand, well, let's just say that it is capable of so much more(on a good note that is).

It's been 3 years since I left that camp. People always say that that camp is haunted; that it is cursed. I can't help but to believe it now. 5 deaths so far. All of whom which I've come know on a rather personal level with the exception of one. All these deaths occurred after we ended our journey of 2 years. Well, I only joined them halfway through but it seems like an entire lifetime has taken place in such a short period of time.

Seems to me that the recent news is really affecting me. I can't help but to feel sad...really sad. The weather seems to be reflecting my emotions perfectly- all gloomy and down. He was really a great soldier. To him, come what may. It was only a month ago since I last saw all my men. To sum the whole thing up, I've never felt more whole in my entire life before. Green completes me. That's all there is to me. People may have their opinions about how shitty life can be in the green. Or how the "Organization" (or whatever it is that they've decided to term it) is very shitty. Well, show me one Organization or Service or whateveritisthatyoucallit that isn't shitty. Right now, I strongly believe, that there is none that is without its flaws. Sometimes, you just happen to be in the wrong place at the wrong time.

To revert from digressing, my men are all amazing people. They are the best soldiers that I've come to know. So what if they're not Spec Ops or anything of that sort. It's really their attitudes that made me believe that there are good in people. So much so for labeling them as "trash of society".

It's really no point wishing that something like that had happened because it already did. Right now, he's already being cremated. Funny how a person ends up being just ashes at the end of his life. However it shall be his memory that we carry on with us that makes him who he was and who he really is. He will be missed. As I quote a friend, "Fight with you again some day. Wait for us." That we shall see. The company shall make it happen. We're really good at it- making the unimaginable happen.

To live in hearts we leave behind
Is not to die.

I seriously want to write about something. But nothing seems to come to my mind right now. I'm not disgruntled. I'm not angsty or anything. Guess, that's what happiness does to me. I've got no muse for me to write anymore. Inspiration seems to only hit me in the moment of anger, in my moment of anguish, in my moment of bla bla bla.

I guess I should be heading out more and observing a lot more than I should else whatever I'm writing, might seem very gay even for my own tastes.

Funny isn't it? Angst breeds inspiration. Well, that's how it is for me anyway. Usually, it breeds contempt for many. It's like saying that if a driver was to run a red light, he might just win $200 and getting an extra 12 points instead of being fined $200 and having 12 points being taken away from him(or her if you wish to).

There is no denying that I am one weird person. No, I shall not use the word unique to describe myself because that is just too politically correct. It's like calling someone short vertically challenged. There is nothing challenging the short dude. He is just short. Calling him vertically challenged is stupid because it's like saying that gravity is preventing him from growing any taller. Well, I guess in that case, gravity is his challenger then. Yeah, it's stupid altogether still.

I guess this green eyed monster is really a human condition. One can never be truly happy for others if they are not part of the celebration. I guess this happiness breeds contempt. Perhaps this is the one resource that is truly low in supply. And hence, we have to do tradeoffs. After all, it is the one thing that when one has it, the other doesnt. Low in supply but high in demand means that there is a heavy price to pay for happiness. It doesnt come cheap. And im not just talking about financially. The soul takes a heavy beating from the acquiring of this. Especially the soul. And this burden translates into other things like money. Do the math. It all works out to what I just said.

Alas, that is the cause of all misery on earth. Funny this business. Ironically, it is called happiness.

Calamities are of two kinds: misfortune to ourselves, and good fortune to others

The last few days have been rather hectic. I'm always dashing from one place to another. Wonder if that makes me make dashing as a person. Hehs. Anyway, it's always the vase that when I have something good to write about but just am not in the mood for it. Either that or that muse has taken a vacation too. Truthfully I'd usually write when I have qualms about something. If I were to e seething with rage, I'd usually end up being something that is written about instead of the writer.

Right now, i guess I'm somewhere in between those 2 extremes as I'm trying to teach this one particular kid the "wonders" of fraction. It's now been 3 months and he is still not getting it. I've tried various methods(all of which has since work for all my other students) but this one doesn't even seem to be able to comprehend instructions. It's like talking to a wall except that even walls produces echoes. At the end of every session wight this kid, I'd usually head out for a puff or two(usually a lot more than that) just to calm myself down else I'd be the hottest topic in the local news.

I know I know, some of you(you know who you are) is just going to say that I'm no teacher or that im a really poor one. Guess what? You're prolly right. I am no teacher. With the standard of people being recruited dropping way below par (way way below) who wants to become a teacher? I'm merely an educator albeit a private one who makes just as much money as a full timer doing 1/4 of his job. I guess, maybe I could turn this into full time thing for myself. I mean the hours are great and I could choose whoever I want to teach and at what time. If I'm gettig an average of 30 bucks for every kid per week, I could be making 300 if I get 10 of those per week. If I get 20 it'd be $600. If I get 40 it'd be $1200 per week. And that's how many students each teacher has to deal with but they're earning just as much whilst having to take on other shitty duties as well. I wonder if the ministry is getting a hint as to why the turnover rate is so damn high. (i'll give you a hint. Hire quality and pay more. That's how you retain them (;

Enough of that nincompoop. Ever since getting a lisence, all I ever want to do is drive. Poor supermassiveblackhole has been largely forsaken due to this sudden that have. So it's been random pickings for me on the things that I haven driven so far. I know this sounds a lot like unnecessary gloating largely because it is. Hahah! Okay..so far Its been a Kelisa, a Wish, a Rush, a van and even a lorry. It's really a random bunch of vehicles. I'm still craving of tearing it up on the tracks in a Lancer, a diablo and a couple of the series that Ferrari has came out with. And oh yes, I'd really like to tear it up I. The streets in a Mustang. That car is pure power.

But I'd still would want to drive/ride around the world. I would especially want to take part in the Dakar. That is one awesome race.

I've ran out things to write. Just a bit more and I'll be done with this kid.

Only when you've been left waiting for hours just to see the doctor do you discover the try meaning of being a patient

The past couple of weeks has been quite a rollercoaster for me. Although, there has been quite a lot more highs than lows so I can't be compared to the milk brand since it emphasizes on a balance of highs and lows.

Reservist has been rather something. What I wanted to talk about that entire week's went has somehow sedimentend into the far corner of my brain right now. Also, the OSA says that I can't be talking much about it publicly. I guess the only good thing about that was that I got to meet with old buddies whom I would have prolly never met if not for the intertwining of fates that the system forces onto us all. Also, the promotion came along jus in time just so that everyone would be able to differentiate me from the rest thus making my job somewhat easier. The best part of it would be conversations I would have on the phone before retiring for the day(only having to wake up a few hours later for a brand new day long after everyone else has slept). I guess it's those conversations that would keep me going for the rest of the day no matter how bad things seem to get. I am missing those phone conversations so badly right now. Just a couple more days till we'd get to hold those conversations again and I just can't wait!! Shall be patient or else I'll be a patient.

It seems that the moment I get down to actal writing, whatever that I've scribbled in my mind seems to dissapate into thin air. And no, I do not want to be scribbling them onto a notepad because I do not find the pleasure of writing on a piece of paper. I would rather belt everything out on a keypad. Guess, whatever poetry I had in on in my mind thins out with each second of delay.

Just left with the obstacle of the weekend till that special someone gets back from her trip and then we'd be able to set out on a path of creating our very own supermassiveblackhole. :D

It's really sickening this human nature. Is it really true that God created us hating each other equally to the point that it wrenches their heart when they see someone else happy?

bittersweet; sweeterbit

It's been months since the unthinkable happened and it's sad to say that it still affects me one way or another. Results from last semester says alot about how affected I actually am though my actions speaks otherwise. Honestly, Im getting tired from this act that I'm putting on. I have accepted that it has already happened. I have fought with every single means that I can come up with but things remained the way it has. The unthinkable remains a reality. Not a day goes by without me waking up wishing it was just a bad dream. But as reality starts to sink in as I gradually gain conscious from my slumber, all I ever want to do is to turn over and fall sink into more slumber.

It is right for you to say that I sound loserish in every single way. Friends have seen how I would keep myself occupied just to get along. I've been biting my tongue to the point of near severance. I do appreciate the advice that was given. But in every single way, I can only appreciate the advice since my situation can only be empthatized at most. In no manner is my situation similar to others as are the situation of others are similar to mine. Because if it did, we would all be calling it taxation. Pity that we don't.

The fact that I have talked almost every single person away. Bridges that have been attempted to be built are quite rickety from what I have to share. So I have stopped sharing altogether. Even when I do share, it is done with caution for fear that the new bridge might end up riddled with instability thus consequentially causing it to collaspe. There is only one thing left in the world that I care about and that is me caring the fact that I do not care at all.

I've been riding harder and harder each and everytime with musings from Muse blasting from my iPod as each turn, each corner becomes more fluid from the previous ones. You can't really call it recklessness since each one has been calculated and taken with full of reck. It is not with complete disregard as I do take into account of other commuters on the road; just not this one.

Each day is taken with a fuck-if-I-care attitude. As long as others are happy, then I can be happy for others. I guess the pursuit of happiness has ceased to exist as I have yet to find any meanings in all of this. Maybe someday I will, maybe I won't. I would gladly taken the chance to empty out this void if I could actually afford to. So, my bucket list remains unchecked. Thoughts of me taking a sabatical are met with fierce resistance- and that is just from my friends. I can sense that my parents share the same sentiments so no point sharing that with anyone anymore.

They say that time heals all wounds. I wish I could find out who "they" are and tell them off. If there is only one thing that time does to anyone is that it actually hardens them up. Nothing more nothing less.

Right now, there is nothing more that I want to do other than to don the beret. That was the one thing that has given me any purpose. The day that I was enlisted was simple the best day of my life. Nevermind the fact that there were simply so many setbacks that I had to overcome such as the 3 worst days of my life which I had to endure. Back then, no matter how FUBAR things might get, I'd always know that there was an end point. Alas, that was merely a tryst that I had before I was thrown back to the gaping jaws of reality. Those 2 years now seems like it all happened a lifetime ago.

I guess the only way to really get the old me back was to bring me back to that life once again. The samurai maxim of "fall down 7 times stand up 8" is having a hard time to be proven true. Maybe I will someday because right now, the light at the end of the tunnel is nothing more than an oncoming train.

Melanchony does funny things to me. I guess I'd just have to wait it out over the weekend to see if I am just as awesome as I was before in my "past-life".

The journey of a thousand miles begin with a single
step; and a lot of bitchin'

A recent conversation with a friend of mine brought up the question, "What is normal?". We take our norms so taken for granted that we tend to classify everything else as a deviance or not normal. We forget that what is normal actually exists out of something from somewhere. It is a classification that we ourselves made exist.

Firstly, heterosexuality. If it is so normal, then, how come we need so many laws just to enforce it? It's just like saying that you would be jailed/fined just for believing that things could fall upwards into the sky( I'm talking about the laws of gravity here by the way). Gravity is so natural, yet it has no laws to enforce it. Yet, we tend to claim that heterosexuality is natural even though there are probably so many laws just to enforce it's "naturalness". The recent debate in parliament about the repeal of Charter 377(A) should make for a good case in point here. So is heterosexuality/homosexuality normal?

How about intersex or hermaphrodites then? They are often seen as an anomaly. Yet, about 1 out of 2000 babies are born with both genitalia. Just take an entire primary school and there's tend to be an intersexed kid in that population. So how? Are you going to be treating that kid as some sort of a monster? Many would heave a sense of relieve by saying, "thank god of medical advances!" But really, have you ever tried talking to one of those kids? Have you ever seen the kind of pain they would have to go through just to fit in? Just to be "normal"?

Then we came upon the topic about the handicapped. Why are they called handicapped in the first place? Is it just because we think that they can't compete with us on a "normal" basis? Fuck! If so, then there would be so many "handicapped" people out there since they are not able to compete with me in my own field. Hell, I'd be termed as a handicapped too since I can't compete with a lot of people in their own field. Why can we just treat them as per normal? I can hear so many people saying that, "oh no! But we are not able to understand them!!". So, is it their fault that you are not able to understand them? Not exactly. It is your fault for not being able to comprehend them. Just like what you teachers always tell you whenever you fail badly for the comprehension section of your English paper, " You failed because you failed to comprehend the passage/questions."

1/1000 kids are born with down syndrome. 1/1000 kids are born with autism. There are more than 40 Million blind people in the world any day. It's higher for the deaf. And i'm referring to 1/1000 born with any kind of those traits on a daily basis. YEAP! Daily basis! So how can we treat them as not "normal" when it is perfectly clear that they are? I mean, if you want to take the argument of "majority" into play here, then, doesn't that quite make the cut too?

What's more saddening is that the only thing most of us wants to offer is pity because we feel that God has been unfair by making them that way. Remember all those "advertisements" for donations and all and the use of these people just to garner more support through guilting us all into it? That's just plain terrible! If were to offer anything, it should be unconditional love. I mean, no child can ever grow up into a wholesome person with nurturing. Pitying doesn't equate to nurture because one can only pity for so much; for only so long. Loving however doesn't seem to go out of style.

I guess, this is the main cause of conflicts round the world: the battle for normality. I said its a stupid and useless fight. Rather than forcing the change, why can't we just accept the change and make the best of it all? Wouldn't that make everything and everyone better off?

I realize that there are a lot of shortcomings in what I've written. Plus, I am prepared to receive any sort of criticisms here. But that's only because I've once again lost my train of thoughts so am not able to fully express my thoughts here. Well, whatever it is, I mean well (and also, I am not Gay to begin with just to be sure).

So, lets begin to ask ourselves this question: What is normal?

You use your money to buy privacy because during most of your life you aren't allowed to be normal

After close to 3 months of not playing rugby, I've finally decided to show up for the training tonight. It was no Padang. The view was all too crappy; we were in Little India after all. Who ever thought of building a clubhouse which doesn't even have a decent parking spot? Traffic was horrendously ridiculous as well. But the chance upon a familiar face before that makes the smashing through peak hour traffic all too insignificant. Plus, it was high time that I showed the young boys a thing or two about rugby. Despite smoking as much as a pack a day, i was still able to zip pass everyone at 100 miles per hour! Who would have thought? Haha

The thing about rugby is that it is the only thing that has been going on for me for over 10 years. When i first picked up the sport in Sec 1, I didn't actually imagine myself playing till this very day. Most of those who started out with me has since stopped playing for one reason or another. Even after dislocating both shoulders, hairline fractures in a lot of places, a mild concussion, ankles which cannot sprain anymore since they've been sprained and twisted so many times before plus having my foot smashed in by own teammate in the last season, I guess I'm still going strong with it.

Well, it's not like I'm some superstar of tha game or something. Well, I'd actually tell
my coaches that I'm THE supersub should I get bench. Twice when I was benched, I scored tries and actually turn the tide of the game. Yea, I
know I'm just plainly gloating righ now. Well, rubbing your own ego every now and then doesn't harm anyone does it?

My friends have always asked me this question, "why do you still keep playing?". Moat of the time, I would just tell them that it is the first love of my life. Until somebody comes along, that shall continue to be at the top of the list. Yes, I do realize that it COULD be detrimental to me, right now, it's one of those things that keeps me going. With the things that has been happening over the past few months, rugby sure did help alot. Having a limit anger meant that I had all the strength I needed. Never had I tackled like how I did in the last season. Well, let's just say I kinda plan to keep things that way for now.

Well, those happenings seemed to have affected my grades as well. Now, I have to work doubly hard just so that I can hopefully graduate as one of those few in class. I can only pray (:

I think this has got to be the best weekend I have ever had in such a long time. Guess now I'm hell bent on getting my own car seeing how convenient things can really get with one. Time to sort my finances out before that can happen I guess.

Well, picking up something new is something (for the lack of a better thing to say). Never thought I would ever do ice-skating in my entire life. Yes yes hence the question, "what have you been doing for the past 23 years of your life?". Honestly, I have no idea. Guess my life had been pretty mundane so far. But this reinvention of myself seems to be working for me- testing out my limits and set out for new possibilities.

But such ambitions do have it's consequnces. Being a worry-what doesn't help that much either. I really can't help it but to think of the consequences of my actions through. It's like an innate thing that dwells within me. Could be a good thing because that would mean me punching every single nincompoop who annoys me(eg walking so slowly infron of me, talking so slowly on the phone and the works).

But at the same time, that could be a bane as well as it prevents me for putting everything I have in it and not caring about if I crash out. Last night would be fine example. And yes, I do envy those kids who are not afraid of falling down or wiping out. Prolly one of the reasons why being childish could be good as well(in a positive connotation that is).

Also, the conversations that happened lately were about one central theme: how do you figure out if the person is the one? How does one determine if that is the person whom you want to be spending the rest of your life with? For me, like everything else, I'd go with my gut feeling. Right now, a song from The Kooks would really come in with strong relevance. Haha!

Anyway, this gut feeling comes to of a great importance for me. After all, if one doesn't feel right with doing something, it might not turn into a right most of the time. On the hindsight, it could a delayed reaction towards getting the "right" feeling.

But how does one differentiate between "the one" and "the next one?". I guess most of us do not have a list penned out or thought off yet. For me, I still think that it has been predetermined. That said, without effort, we can never get to that predetermined destination but rather remain stagnant. As the saying goes, one fill something one needs when one isn't even looking for one at all.

Right now, i've lost my train of thought as the effects of the awesome weekend is dawning on me. I stupidly left my charger in the school, my left knee is hurting and I'm feeling rather sian that that's over. Shall set up for more things to look forward to I guess?

Watching you walk out of my life does not make me bitter or cynical about love. But rather makes me realize that if I wanted so much to be with the wrong person how beautiful it will be when the right one comes along

After so many years since I stepped into a club, I finally convinced my friends to go bring me to one. Stepping in into one reminded me why it has been years since I've ever stepped into one: It's just not for me. `I guess I'm kinda uptight and all. A couple of hours in and I decided to go with the flow. Felt a whole lot better after all that.

It was interesting really to notice the crowd. From the haircut, I could tell that the boys are all probably still serving National Service with the highest rank being a cadet. The girls on the other hand are quite something. It was quite dark with light strobes running all over the place so I couldn't really tell about the girls except when we were suddenly surrounded by them.

I can tell I won't be going there anytime soon unless 1) I am dragged into going or 2) There's an event which I have to attend. Loud music is for me to listen when I'm on the road. Last I ever had strobe lights were meant to confuse me so that my shots would be off target. And hmm..I'm just plain uptight.

I need to loosen up a little. 2 more years till I graduate and the grades are still stagnating where they exactly were when in my first semester. And I thought they were supposed to be gradually increasing.

I guess it's a spillover of whatever happened the previous semester. Time heals all wounds is simply rubbish. If anything, it can only make you forget. Other than that, the wound is still there, just no visible enough for us to take much notice of it. But we all manage. But is that really the best that we can do?

For me, I choose to reinvent myself. After all, if I let others plan my life, there's really going to be nothing much going on since they have got nothing much planned for me. I suppose that's why I wanted to go clubbing last night. See if that would suit the "new" me. After all, after 10 years of playing rugby and mix and mash of several martial arts, it is time for me to slacken a little bit and enjoy life's parties.

However, clubbing isn't really for me after all. I guess, I'm going to stick with the chillaxing kind of fun? I still want to drive/bike around the world. Though with restricted finances, it'll probably around Asia at most for now. But in a couple of months time, I'm thinking of taking the train up north and see where the train ride takes me. And no, I am not talking about going to Hogwarts or taking the MRT. That sure does ought to be something.

To love is to risk not being loved in return. To hope is to risk pain. To try is to risk failure, but risk must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing

Whoever said that smoking is bad for a person simply has no sense of being. Of all things that can bind people together, two tops the list: over a cigarette or over a drink. That said, I do not mean things literally because doing so might just win you the Jackass of the Year award even though we are only a quarter of the way through the year.

I mean sure it can be detrimental to your health. Then again, what isn't? Even something as "healthy" as going for a walk can be detrimental if you overdo it. I am not suggesting moderation here nor am I not not suggesting it. I am not suggesting anything. All I am saying that too much of something kills, too little of it kills too. Find the perfect balance (of High and Low).

That said, I made a couple of new friends over smokes (while waiting for my friends to arrive to watch Ro Bin Hood). A stranger asking for a light ended up in a light conversation of how the system is screwing PRs like him. A few minutes later, another uncle came and ask for a light. And the conversation picked up from there. In the world of smoking(or drinking for that matter), there are no such thing as strangers.

What is a stranger? A person that you don't know? A person that doesn't know you? Truth be told, nobody knows every single person that lives on this island country of ours. WE just assume that there are over 5million people living here. We are so certain of this that we do not stop to ask ourselves, "Are there really 5 million people?". We just assume that they exist though we have NEVER (and it'll probably stay that way) that there are indeed 5 million people.

If so, what if we met someone for the first time but can be engaging in a conversation as if we've known them for years on end. It was as if that the meeting was just like the previous ones even though there are no previous ones. How does one explain that? I am curious about that myself.

On a different note, I've been having rather strange dreams lately. It's recurrence is so high that it is not strange to me anymore. Every night its the same thing over and over again. I'll be either fighting something or someone. But last night's was particularly weird. Everything was so vivid. The pain of getting shot felt real. The weight of the pistol I carried felt real. So was the recoil of each shot. And the pain of losing the people that I truly care about felt real too.

It was like this: during the conflict, I lost track of my family members. So I accessed the database to search for them. Each search yielded the exact response: KIA. WTF! Everything felt very real. I saw the faces of the people in my dream. Even the most veteran soldier that I know of in the SAF was in it. The exasperated look on his face says it all: All hope is lost.

I don't know why Im writing all of this but yeah I am. hahahaha! Okay, apparently, I have lost track of what I really wanted to say so yeah.

If all is not lost, then where is it?

I don’t know what to say, really. Three minutes to the biggest battle of our professional lives. All comes down to today, and either, we heal as a team, or we're gonna crumble. Inch by inch, play by play. Until we're finished.

We're in hell right now, gentlemen. Believe me. And, we can stay here, get the shit kicked out of us, or we can fight our way back into the light. We can climb outta hell... one inch at a time. Now I can't do it for ya, I'm too old. I look around, I see these young faces and I think, I mean, I've made every wrong choice a middle-aged man can make. I, uh, I've pissed away all my money, believe it or not. I chased off anyone who's ever loved me. And lately, I can't even stand the face I see in the mirror. You know, when you get old, in life, things get taken from you. I mean, that's... that's... that's a part of life. But, you only learn that when you start losin' stuff. You find out life's this game of inches, so is football.

Because in either game - life or football - the margin for error is so small. I mean, one half a step too late or too early and you don't quite make it. One half second too slow, too fast and you don't quite catch it. The inches we need are everywhere around us. They're in every break of the game, every minute, every second.

On this team we fight for that inch. On this team we tear ourselves and everyone else around us to pieces for that inch. We claw with our fingernails for that inch. Because we know when add up all those inches, that's gonna make the fucking difference between winning and losing! Between living and dying! I'll tell you this, in any fight it's the guy whose willing to die whose gonna win that inch. And I know, if I'm gonna have any life anymore it's because I'm still willing to fight and die for that inch, because that's what living is, the six inches in front of your face.

Now I can't make you do it. You've got to look at the guy next to you, look into his eyes. Now I think ya going to see a guy who will go that inch with you. Your gonna see a guy who will sacrifice himself for this team, because he knows when it comes down to it your gonna do the same for him. That's a team, gentlemen, and either, we heal, now, as a team, or we will die as individuals. That's football guys, that's all it is. Now, what are you gonna do?

-From Any Given Sunday