Yesterday was definitely one of the awesomest day I have ever had in my new year! New year as in since I turned 23. Guess things are finally looking up for me again.

How can it not be? After years of delay, I finally passed my driving license. So yeah, my driving license now is a real driving license after all! To top it off, I spent less than $500 which equates to 10 lessons. Out of that 10 lessons, lesson #10 was on the day itself and it was the first time that I learnt a lot of things. Guess I managed to pull of the (seemingly)impossible after all! Hopefully, a car will come along the way. Hehs.

Match against SMU simply topped it off! Cognitive liberation as I've come to know about it. Despite the odds stacked against us, we managed to pull it through after all. First time I was playing a game that I wasn't tired at all. The tiredness only came afterwards and spilled onto this morning. I simply did not want to get out of bed today. Plus my butt hurts like hell from that match. I'm still wondering how that happened.

On a side note, it's kinda sad that I have to come down to the point of hatred to someone just to make them realize what they are really doing. I guess, only with "drastics" can people realize something. Even then, there's simply no guarantee that they will- even if it kills them or that they simply get abandoned by people who truly cares about them.

No matter. Life goes on. I shall start crooning to I will survive more often then. Don't worry. Nobody will go deaf. The only time I sing is when I'm on the road after all.


The key to change... is to let go of fear

It's the eve of one of the most important day of my life..EVER! I don't understand how someone can just decide to step into my life, just for awhile, just to ruin it all for me.

Like the kids at Northlight, it's already hard enough for me. I wonder how someone can gleefully enter, ruin things for me, and then disappear once again. It's like they get a rush from it all. Guerrilla tactics rules the day I suppose.

Well, with each and everyday, my steps grows stronger as you're actions are futile against my strong and steady advancement. Like how you're actions have dealt a blow to me, I'll shall let you have a taste of your own medicine. This time around, I won't be the one to deal the blow nor shall I be around to soften it for you.

Don't come crawling to me just because something shitty comes around for you because I am as sure as hell that once it's over, there you go again. There is no justice in all that. For once, try to be a little less selfish and actually think about others. By the way, 2 people do not have to be in an intimate relationship for the two of them to be treating one another decently at least.

If what I'm saying here hurts, that's probably because it's all true.

Sometimes, i just wish that i could just pack up and disappear for awhile to a place of no worries; to a place with no concerns

How happy is the blameless vestal's lot!
The world forgetting, by the world forgot.
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!
Each prayer accepted, and each wish resigned

My idle mind got to the better of me. Ironically, it was when I was doing something which I view to be rather 'mechanical'. Yeah..stats. I hate it when everything just rewinds itself. It's like watching a dreadful horror flick(one that you wished that you had never watched) over and over again, like the DVD player is on some sort of demonic mission to rewind itself once the show is over and the remote is nowhere to be found. For the lack of better words, it sucks...really.

Being a middle child means having the middle child syndrome. It doesn't count if you have an age gap of almost a decade or so with your younger sibling. Symptoms of the syndrome includes having people to not understand you and then you doing them a favor of being difficult in opening up to them. It's never a one-way thing really. It's always two-ways. Even on the roads. If it was really a one-way street, then why do you still find people walking on the opposite direction? You can say that it only applies to motor-vehicles. Does it really? Or is it because we view it only as a one-way street only when we're in a certain situation such as that when we are commandeering a motor-vehicle? Soak it up into perspective people!

I know this is going to sound kinda gay but I can't be gay in comparison to people whom I know off! I was wondering through youtube when i stumbled upon videos of sclub7. I don't know how i got there because I remember i was browsing through A Day To Remember(awesome band! Look it up!) when the website loaded an Sclub7 video after one song ended. It kinda did me a back-to-to-past flashback as I was able to reminisce my secondary school days. It was all very vivid!

I remember waking up bright and early on Saturday mornings not for Saturday morning cartoons but for the Sclub7 tv show. Till this day, I have no idea why I woke up so early when the show was aired only at 10am. When they shifted the show to Sunday's at 11am, I did the same thing too. I made sure that my weekend religious class would either end before 11am or start after 12pm. Apparently, my "rearrangements" made a lot of people upset because while I call it that, some called it "playing truant" or "ponteng". Well, whatever floats their boat.

I do realize how gay it all sounds but who cares? It came to a point that I infused their songs into my rugby. I would listen hours on end to their songs before training starts. On the way to the match, I would listen to their songs too. That was the year of 2001. We won the 'C' Div Novice Championship. I was the top scorer! A year later, it all works out as I played for the combined schools team and all. Think it's still gay?

Well, the rest of my team-mates and school mates thought I was. So, I just had to reassure them that I truly wasn't the old fashioned way- girls! Well, just one girl actually. Rachel Stevens...yeahhhh....Well, another reason to be listening to their music and to go through all that trouble just to catch their show. I think I've even had correspondence with her once via Email. Although, i now have this sneaky feeling that it was really some imposter. Oh wells, I was 14..I had some rights to being naive right?

14 to 23. That's 9 years ago! Well, it still gives me that warm fuzzy feeling anyway. Maybe I should start listening to their songs again in view of the this coming 4-Unis Championship. Perhaps, after all that, I'd actually make it to the National Team. Too bad that by this time, the legendary Anchor Reds have already been disbanded.

Growing up is never easy. You hold on to things that were. You wonder what's to come. But that night, I think we knew it was time to let go of what had been, and look ahead to what would be. Other days. New days. Days to come. The thing is, we didn't have to hate each other for getting older. We just had to forgive ourselves... for growing up

I've finally recovered! Yessssssssss...

It's really strange that I'm writing so early in the morning when I've got no qualms with anyone or about anything. I usually write when I'm kinda pissed about something. Oh yes! I am!!! It sucks to be broke when there's so many things that you wan to buy. Things like Adrenol or Amino Injector which really really helped me a lot in putting up lean mass. The last time I remembered being extra fit was during the December holidays. Now, injuries here and there. Thank God my shoulder is recovering as it should. Perhaps a few more conditioning sessions before Thursday should help.

Anyway, dreams that I've been having are rather weird. It's weird but nice. Kinda like the way I'm writing now. Never thought in my entire life that I'd be looking forward to bed time. Guess sleeping can be added into my arsenal of hobbies. YEah...it's a healthy one too since I can never sleep past 6-7hours no matter how much I try. IF i eventually do sleep for 8 hours, I'd end up waking up with a terrible headache. It's as if I'm having a hangover of some sort. Perhaps, someone's been making me drink in my sleep(I've NEVER DRINK IN MY LIFE BEFORE FOR THE RECORD!)?

Koko Crunch

Sometimes I wonder why do I even bother with someone who doesn't even bother about it themselves.

I am seriously tired. Training last night reminded me of how it was like to be pushed (way) beyond your limits. Towards the end of training, I simply didn't see a point of doing anything anymore. Besides the frustration that I had towards everyone, it was also my injuries that were dragging me down. It's funny how my body deciding to "act out" only when the season comes around. Well, imagine this, it was breezy, I was drench from my own sweat, it was dark, and we were running(no flying!) and doing a lot of things that might seem impossible to mere mortals. Right now, I'm feeling the sore.

I like listening to underground music. By definition, it's the kind of songs that nobody has ever heard of before. It's the kind when I ask someone if they've heard of the song or even the band and all I look is a blank look and a sheepish no. Either that, or them eventually telling me to stop asking. On a side note, Lady Gaga and the rest of her friends who are continually being played on air irritates the shit of out me. Literally. I don't see a point in their songs at all. It's too vain, corny and it doesn't make sense at all. Don't get me started on their music videos..

My shoulder is still screwed up. Well, game this Saturday at CCAB. HOPEFULLY, it'll hold. I'm going to make that tackle again; the kind that will make everyone go "WHOOOOOOOOOOAAAAA!!!". Maybe this time around, I won't be late. Although, 2pm for a match is rather odd.

I don't want to waste my time, become another casualty of society

The Longgggggggg weekend is coming to an end and I've got shitloads of work to do...SHIT(hence the term)! The weekend has been quite something something. I got real dark from kite flying but I doubt anyone could be able to tell the difference. I game-ed my way through the weekend till my brains are almost fried. And I couch potato-ed to my heart's desire with HBO and friends. It's been a rather lazy weekend. Literally.

I still don't get it why I'm still getting blamed for things. It's as if I was the culprit in all that's happened (or still is happening). Sometimes being someone's punching bag means that you get to talk to them. But is that all there is to that? People do forget that I am a human being after all. Despite the fact that I show close to no expression most of the time, I do have feelings. But people forget that or either that they choose to ignore that. People don't treat others that way much less than friends do. You don't have to be in a relationship with a person to be doing favors for them or even treating them like-well you guessed it-A HUMAN BEING!

Even my cat get's better treatment. Infact, he's getting a lot fatter and lazier. Sleeping all day and meowing all night. It scratched my nose when I attempted to lead him into a healthier lifestyle. I guess, he's taking after my parents(one of the reasons I hate travelling with them is because their idea of a vacation is to sleep all day in a hotel room and do nothing for the rest of the the trip but eat, chill and sleep some more).

Well, the 4-Unis tournament is just around the corner. Coincidentally, my first match is on the night that I'm taking my driving test. Talking about double load. At the rate I'm going, i think i might just spend under $500 for my driving lessons after all. If I pass, that'll be the story for my grandkids(after which, none of them will want to visit me ever again). Rugby wise...everyone says my passing has gotten sharper. But my decision making skills are a little bit flumpsy(yes i made that word up). Inconsistency is what I'm really good at. Statistically wise, I am an error! Guess that's what makes me special(not in the retarded kind of way like what the programme that that institute has).

I keep wondering whether what I written will affect anyone. It can either be in a good way or a bad way. I have this nagging feeling that a somehow, someone(unwanted by society) is getting burnt by what I'm saying. Then, there's others who just want to see what's going on. Voyeurism isn't that bad considering how many people practice it. Then there are others who come here looking for inspiration(okay, I just overdid it).

How I wish that people would be able to open up themselves to the truth because only that will set someone truly free. IF something is meant to be, no amount of effort or decision making can change that. It hurts just to see how someone's denial is consuming them inside-out. It really isn't worth it that just because you don't want to disappoint others, you yourself suffer. It would really be selfless of others to see that instead of pushing through with what they have in mind. It'll only benefit them and not yourself. Guess, selfish people do exist. Last I check, those people who sell fish really stink! I should know, I tried it before -._.-

The worst lies are the lies we tell ourselves. We live in denial of what we do, even what we think. We do this because we're afraid. We fear we will not find love, and when we find it we fear we'll lose it. We fear that if we do not have love we will be unhappy

The day couldn't get any more awesome then it already was! Well, actually, the awesomeness started yesterday. Being able to lift more than 100kg of deadweight off the ground could make anyone's day! Well, just over 50kg to go and I'll be back to how it was during my JC days.

Honestly, I didn't expect much to begin with(for today). It was just going to be another Friday: tuition and then rugby. It DOES sound miserable! I know. But then, one thing happened. It led to another and another. In the end, there was no tuition...there was no rugby(it ALMOST happened!!!).

Well, from the bottom of my heart, Thank you for everything!!! Thanks for the well wishes. Thanks for the presents(i really love them). Thanks for the cards and notes! Guess, this is what a birthday should feel like huh? Well, let's not hope too much (:

I know I risk sounding gay and all..but yeah who cares? I just had the best day ever! Anyone who tries to take that away is just being selfish(or maybe they're just being themselves?)

I sometimes do wonder if there is really a sign of which only others can see which says "Information/Assistance Counter/Person". Today was no exception.

Lackluster. That's probably the best way to describe myself right now. I guess there's really nothing to look forward to anymore. It's a routine really. School, readings, assignments, rugby, tuitions,gym...my friends told me that i needed to break out of my routine; That I looked burned out. I feel burned out. But then, most of the time, I feel that there is this one level that I have yet to reach. I guess the thought of getting there has yet to appear appealing me.

The thought of being somewhere on time has also not rubbed into me. I am perpetually late these days. Like right now, I have already planned to be late for lessons and take my own sweet time to do things. I'm changing- but not necessarily for the better. It's like my pre-enlistee days but even then, I had something to look forward to. That something that I looked forward to did not disappoint me at all!

I guess it's my own wanting of being committed to something now. Pangseh-ing, ponning, skipping training or simply just being late for anything does not seem so hard for me to do anymore. It just does not matter to me anymore.

I need to break out of this. Im a fighter. Was one, still am. I can't just go down like this. Im whining too much! Bleagh!!!

you have been weighed you have been measured and you have been found wanting

My cat is pissed cold from a shower it was given.
Funny that he's choosing my notes to roll under/lie on/roll around on to keep warm instead of a warm and fluffy towel I tried to wrap him with.

Courage

The week has been pretty moving for me. Well, not in the sense of readings and the work(the load keeps piling up) but rather in how I feel towards certain things. So far, three things have affected me. Children Full of Life( A Japanese Documentary), Funny People(you actually have to force yourself through the 2 1/2 hours) and The Blind Side.

These three shows got me thinking about what I really thing I am here for. Well, what my passions really are. It got me to realize that perhaps children are my passion. Well, not exactly those of my own but IF i have them in the future, then them too. Here I am referring to that of others. The unprivileged; the poor; the forsaken.

I believe that EVERYONE should be given a second chance in life. Especially children. It truly breaks my heart that a child's opportunity to success in life gets robbed away even before he is even able to comprehend the real meaning of opportunity or chance.

If it's one thing that I have benefited from my 2 years of REAL university education so far is that everyone's life chances are not the same. It sucks. But like a friend once said, Q: If God is so Al-Mighty, why are there still poor people in the world? A: The poor is a blessing for the rich, the rich a blessing for the poor. That is Mercy. Right now, my entire faith in the higher power rests on that belief.

But that doesn't mean that we just sit around and mope about it. Worse still, we do nothing about it and pretend it isn't even there! Just like what my secondary school principal always say:
There are 3 types of people in this world. Those who make things happen, those who wait of things to happen or worse, those who wonder what happens! He would normally associate them to an eagle, a vulture and a chicken(my school's mascot was an eagle btw so go figure).

For me, I am a rational idealist. That itself is an oxymoron(if you don't know what an oxymoron is that YOU'RE an oxymoron). But yeah. I'd like to fight for the children. It's really the only way for the whole world to start over. To bear arms to protect the innocent. I'd fight under the banner of Humanity and IF I die doing my duty, I'd rest in the Halls Of Valhalla and pride myself shamelessly as I would have done my duty as a human being(at least). Like I said, it's too ideal but I WILL find a way to achieve that so that when I'm my death bed, I'd go away easily knowing that I have done something good.

That said, I am not going to be some kamikaze soldier of some sort. The very least, hopefully some NGO would take me in. If not, i'd start my very own. Right now, I'd like to set my priorities straight: finish right, earn a lot so that I can actually show people a better way to spend their money- not on themselves but others.

Hope for courage and try for honour and maybe even pray that the people telling you what to do have some too

The damn cat keeps disturbing my sleep. I guess it's really out to get me-whenever I fall asleep in the living room, that's where it'll annoy me; whenever I am asleep on MY OWN BED, it'll have it's out zookout/rockclimbing fiesta/singapore idol/etc. in my bedroom. Guess in return, i'll disturb whenever that fatty falls asleep in the morning so that it'll be too tired at night to annoy me. Hehs. THAT IS, if I am even at home.

School is a real pain. I just don't feel like going to school anymore. Not like what I used to. I actually have no reason to go to school except for one-to study. That is a real stupid reason. No one goes to school to study. I believe that everything that you do has got 2 reasons: a good one and a real one. So to go to school to study (classes and whatnots) is a good reason. But the real reason runs deeper than that. And lately, Im lacking of (a) real reason(s) to go to school.

The only thing that gets me moving lately would be rugby. Alas, i am plagued with injuries. Let's list down what I have.
-My shoulder popped out and in 3 games ago so it's on the verge of doing so anytime soon. IT hurts even for   me to be writing something on the whiteboard.
-I've got shin splints so it hurts for me even to walk sometimes. It's prolly due to the ankle injury that I've sustained..urm..god knows when(last season probably).
-My hamstrings keeps screwing me up. It cramped up when i tried to bring my legs up just to attempt a hurdle run.
-My wrist still hurts. But it's good in a sense that I really have to watch my form whenever I'm attempting a push action in the gym.
-My face still hurts from the knock i received from that 150kg gorilla whom i've called Botak Jones.
-My wound has yet to heal and I AM looking forward to the day when the scabs are dry enough for me to peel them off without it hurting (disgusting i know).

Guess that's about it. The list only gets longer and longer. But yeah, rugby does keep me going. I just wished that each side could see that when I am not training with them, it's because I am training with the other side and let me play every Saturday because I KNOW that I AM THAT GOOD! Heck, sometimes I feel that I am better than all of them put together. But then, there are days that I don't even deserve to be in the team.

I just hope that they will call me down for an interview real soon. The pay that they're giving is seriously not bad. Probably will be able to afford my own car after a year or so with them. Hehs.

Being posted to Pioneer Sec is not such a bad thing after all. It was funny at the fact that they thought I was late just because I couldn't find the exact class to proceed to as I roamed hopelessly around the ENTIRE school just to look for that particular classroom. Hehs.

There are three sides to any argument: your side, my side and the right side