I seriously want to write about something. But nothing seems to come to my mind right now. I'm not disgruntled. I'm not angsty or anything. Guess, that's what happiness does to me. I've got no muse for me to write anymore. Inspiration seems to only hit me in the moment of anger, in my moment of anguish, in my moment of bla bla bla.

I guess I should be heading out more and observing a lot more than I should else whatever I'm writing, might seem very gay even for my own tastes.

Funny isn't it? Angst breeds inspiration. Well, that's how it is for me anyway. Usually, it breeds contempt for many. It's like saying that if a driver was to run a red light, he might just win $200 and getting an extra 12 points instead of being fined $200 and having 12 points being taken away from him(or her if you wish to).

There is no denying that I am one weird person. No, I shall not use the word unique to describe myself because that is just too politically correct. It's like calling someone short vertically challenged. There is nothing challenging the short dude. He is just short. Calling him vertically challenged is stupid because it's like saying that gravity is preventing him from growing any taller. Well, I guess in that case, gravity is his challenger then. Yeah, it's stupid altogether still.

I guess this green eyed monster is really a human condition. One can never be truly happy for others if they are not part of the celebration. I guess this happiness breeds contempt. Perhaps this is the one resource that is truly low in supply. And hence, we have to do tradeoffs. After all, it is the one thing that when one has it, the other doesnt. Low in supply but high in demand means that there is a heavy price to pay for happiness. It doesnt come cheap. And im not just talking about financially. The soul takes a heavy beating from the acquiring of this. Especially the soul. And this burden translates into other things like money. Do the math. It all works out to what I just said.

Alas, that is the cause of all misery on earth. Funny this business. Ironically, it is called happiness.

Calamities are of two kinds: misfortune to ourselves, and good fortune to others

The last few days have been rather hectic. I'm always dashing from one place to another. Wonder if that makes me make dashing as a person. Hehs. Anyway, it's always the vase that when I have something good to write about but just am not in the mood for it. Either that or that muse has taken a vacation too. Truthfully I'd usually write when I have qualms about something. If I were to e seething with rage, I'd usually end up being something that is written about instead of the writer.

Right now, i guess I'm somewhere in between those 2 extremes as I'm trying to teach this one particular kid the "wonders" of fraction. It's now been 3 months and he is still not getting it. I've tried various methods(all of which has since work for all my other students) but this one doesn't even seem to be able to comprehend instructions. It's like talking to a wall except that even walls produces echoes. At the end of every session wight this kid, I'd usually head out for a puff or two(usually a lot more than that) just to calm myself down else I'd be the hottest topic in the local news.

I know I know, some of you(you know who you are) is just going to say that I'm no teacher or that im a really poor one. Guess what? You're prolly right. I am no teacher. With the standard of people being recruited dropping way below par (way way below) who wants to become a teacher? I'm merely an educator albeit a private one who makes just as much money as a full timer doing 1/4 of his job. I guess, maybe I could turn this into full time thing for myself. I mean the hours are great and I could choose whoever I want to teach and at what time. If I'm gettig an average of 30 bucks for every kid per week, I could be making 300 if I get 10 of those per week. If I get 20 it'd be $600. If I get 40 it'd be $1200 per week. And that's how many students each teacher has to deal with but they're earning just as much whilst having to take on other shitty duties as well. I wonder if the ministry is getting a hint as to why the turnover rate is so damn high. (i'll give you a hint. Hire quality and pay more. That's how you retain them (;

Enough of that nincompoop. Ever since getting a lisence, all I ever want to do is drive. Poor supermassiveblackhole has been largely forsaken due to this sudden that have. So it's been random pickings for me on the things that I haven driven so far. I know this sounds a lot like unnecessary gloating largely because it is. Hahah! Okay..so far Its been a Kelisa, a Wish, a Rush, a van and even a lorry. It's really a random bunch of vehicles. I'm still craving of tearing it up on the tracks in a Lancer, a diablo and a couple of the series that Ferrari has came out with. And oh yes, I'd really like to tear it up I. The streets in a Mustang. That car is pure power.

But I'd still would want to drive/ride around the world. I would especially want to take part in the Dakar. That is one awesome race.

I've ran out things to write. Just a bit more and I'll be done with this kid.

Only when you've been left waiting for hours just to see the doctor do you discover the try meaning of being a patient

The past couple of weeks has been quite a rollercoaster for me. Although, there has been quite a lot more highs than lows so I can't be compared to the milk brand since it emphasizes on a balance of highs and lows.

Reservist has been rather something. What I wanted to talk about that entire week's went has somehow sedimentend into the far corner of my brain right now. Also, the OSA says that I can't be talking much about it publicly. I guess the only good thing about that was that I got to meet with old buddies whom I would have prolly never met if not for the intertwining of fates that the system forces onto us all. Also, the promotion came along jus in time just so that everyone would be able to differentiate me from the rest thus making my job somewhat easier. The best part of it would be conversations I would have on the phone before retiring for the day(only having to wake up a few hours later for a brand new day long after everyone else has slept). I guess it's those conversations that would keep me going for the rest of the day no matter how bad things seem to get. I am missing those phone conversations so badly right now. Just a couple more days till we'd get to hold those conversations again and I just can't wait!! Shall be patient or else I'll be a patient.

It seems that the moment I get down to actal writing, whatever that I've scribbled in my mind seems to dissapate into thin air. And no, I do not want to be scribbling them onto a notepad because I do not find the pleasure of writing on a piece of paper. I would rather belt everything out on a keypad. Guess, whatever poetry I had in on in my mind thins out with each second of delay.

Just left with the obstacle of the weekend till that special someone gets back from her trip and then we'd be able to set out on a path of creating our very own supermassiveblackhole. :D

It's really sickening this human nature. Is it really true that God created us hating each other equally to the point that it wrenches their heart when they see someone else happy?

bittersweet; sweeterbit

It's been months since the unthinkable happened and it's sad to say that it still affects me one way or another. Results from last semester says alot about how affected I actually am though my actions speaks otherwise. Honestly, Im getting tired from this act that I'm putting on. I have accepted that it has already happened. I have fought with every single means that I can come up with but things remained the way it has. The unthinkable remains a reality. Not a day goes by without me waking up wishing it was just a bad dream. But as reality starts to sink in as I gradually gain conscious from my slumber, all I ever want to do is to turn over and fall sink into more slumber.

It is right for you to say that I sound loserish in every single way. Friends have seen how I would keep myself occupied just to get along. I've been biting my tongue to the point of near severance. I do appreciate the advice that was given. But in every single way, I can only appreciate the advice since my situation can only be empthatized at most. In no manner is my situation similar to others as are the situation of others are similar to mine. Because if it did, we would all be calling it taxation. Pity that we don't.

The fact that I have talked almost every single person away. Bridges that have been attempted to be built are quite rickety from what I have to share. So I have stopped sharing altogether. Even when I do share, it is done with caution for fear that the new bridge might end up riddled with instability thus consequentially causing it to collaspe. There is only one thing left in the world that I care about and that is me caring the fact that I do not care at all.

I've been riding harder and harder each and everytime with musings from Muse blasting from my iPod as each turn, each corner becomes more fluid from the previous ones. You can't really call it recklessness since each one has been calculated and taken with full of reck. It is not with complete disregard as I do take into account of other commuters on the road; just not this one.

Each day is taken with a fuck-if-I-care attitude. As long as others are happy, then I can be happy for others. I guess the pursuit of happiness has ceased to exist as I have yet to find any meanings in all of this. Maybe someday I will, maybe I won't. I would gladly taken the chance to empty out this void if I could actually afford to. So, my bucket list remains unchecked. Thoughts of me taking a sabatical are met with fierce resistance- and that is just from my friends. I can sense that my parents share the same sentiments so no point sharing that with anyone anymore.

They say that time heals all wounds. I wish I could find out who "they" are and tell them off. If there is only one thing that time does to anyone is that it actually hardens them up. Nothing more nothing less.

Right now, there is nothing more that I want to do other than to don the beret. That was the one thing that has given me any purpose. The day that I was enlisted was simple the best day of my life. Nevermind the fact that there were simply so many setbacks that I had to overcome such as the 3 worst days of my life which I had to endure. Back then, no matter how FUBAR things might get, I'd always know that there was an end point. Alas, that was merely a tryst that I had before I was thrown back to the gaping jaws of reality. Those 2 years now seems like it all happened a lifetime ago.

I guess the only way to really get the old me back was to bring me back to that life once again. The samurai maxim of "fall down 7 times stand up 8" is having a hard time to be proven true. Maybe I will someday because right now, the light at the end of the tunnel is nothing more than an oncoming train.

Melanchony does funny things to me. I guess I'd just have to wait it out over the weekend to see if I am just as awesome as I was before in my "past-life".

The journey of a thousand miles begin with a single
step; and a lot of bitchin'

A recent conversation with a friend of mine brought up the question, "What is normal?". We take our norms so taken for granted that we tend to classify everything else as a deviance or not normal. We forget that what is normal actually exists out of something from somewhere. It is a classification that we ourselves made exist.

Firstly, heterosexuality. If it is so normal, then, how come we need so many laws just to enforce it? It's just like saying that you would be jailed/fined just for believing that things could fall upwards into the sky( I'm talking about the laws of gravity here by the way). Gravity is so natural, yet it has no laws to enforce it. Yet, we tend to claim that heterosexuality is natural even though there are probably so many laws just to enforce it's "naturalness". The recent debate in parliament about the repeal of Charter 377(A) should make for a good case in point here. So is heterosexuality/homosexuality normal?

How about intersex or hermaphrodites then? They are often seen as an anomaly. Yet, about 1 out of 2000 babies are born with both genitalia. Just take an entire primary school and there's tend to be an intersexed kid in that population. So how? Are you going to be treating that kid as some sort of a monster? Many would heave a sense of relieve by saying, "thank god of medical advances!" But really, have you ever tried talking to one of those kids? Have you ever seen the kind of pain they would have to go through just to fit in? Just to be "normal"?

Then we came upon the topic about the handicapped. Why are they called handicapped in the first place? Is it just because we think that they can't compete with us on a "normal" basis? Fuck! If so, then there would be so many "handicapped" people out there since they are not able to compete with me in my own field. Hell, I'd be termed as a handicapped too since I can't compete with a lot of people in their own field. Why can we just treat them as per normal? I can hear so many people saying that, "oh no! But we are not able to understand them!!". So, is it their fault that you are not able to understand them? Not exactly. It is your fault for not being able to comprehend them. Just like what you teachers always tell you whenever you fail badly for the comprehension section of your English paper, " You failed because you failed to comprehend the passage/questions."

1/1000 kids are born with down syndrome. 1/1000 kids are born with autism. There are more than 40 Million blind people in the world any day. It's higher for the deaf. And i'm referring to 1/1000 born with any kind of those traits on a daily basis. YEAP! Daily basis! So how can we treat them as not "normal" when it is perfectly clear that they are? I mean, if you want to take the argument of "majority" into play here, then, doesn't that quite make the cut too?

What's more saddening is that the only thing most of us wants to offer is pity because we feel that God has been unfair by making them that way. Remember all those "advertisements" for donations and all and the use of these people just to garner more support through guilting us all into it? That's just plain terrible! If were to offer anything, it should be unconditional love. I mean, no child can ever grow up into a wholesome person with nurturing. Pitying doesn't equate to nurture because one can only pity for so much; for only so long. Loving however doesn't seem to go out of style.

I guess, this is the main cause of conflicts round the world: the battle for normality. I said its a stupid and useless fight. Rather than forcing the change, why can't we just accept the change and make the best of it all? Wouldn't that make everything and everyone better off?

I realize that there are a lot of shortcomings in what I've written. Plus, I am prepared to receive any sort of criticisms here. But that's only because I've once again lost my train of thoughts so am not able to fully express my thoughts here. Well, whatever it is, I mean well (and also, I am not Gay to begin with just to be sure).

So, lets begin to ask ourselves this question: What is normal?

You use your money to buy privacy because during most of your life you aren't allowed to be normal

After close to 3 months of not playing rugby, I've finally decided to show up for the training tonight. It was no Padang. The view was all too crappy; we were in Little India after all. Who ever thought of building a clubhouse which doesn't even have a decent parking spot? Traffic was horrendously ridiculous as well. But the chance upon a familiar face before that makes the smashing through peak hour traffic all too insignificant. Plus, it was high time that I showed the young boys a thing or two about rugby. Despite smoking as much as a pack a day, i was still able to zip pass everyone at 100 miles per hour! Who would have thought? Haha

The thing about rugby is that it is the only thing that has been going on for me for over 10 years. When i first picked up the sport in Sec 1, I didn't actually imagine myself playing till this very day. Most of those who started out with me has since stopped playing for one reason or another. Even after dislocating both shoulders, hairline fractures in a lot of places, a mild concussion, ankles which cannot sprain anymore since they've been sprained and twisted so many times before plus having my foot smashed in by own teammate in the last season, I guess I'm still going strong with it.

Well, it's not like I'm some superstar of tha game or something. Well, I'd actually tell
my coaches that I'm THE supersub should I get bench. Twice when I was benched, I scored tries and actually turn the tide of the game. Yea, I
know I'm just plainly gloating righ now. Well, rubbing your own ego every now and then doesn't harm anyone does it?

My friends have always asked me this question, "why do you still keep playing?". Moat of the time, I would just tell them that it is the first love of my life. Until somebody comes along, that shall continue to be at the top of the list. Yes, I do realize that it COULD be detrimental to me, right now, it's one of those things that keeps me going. With the things that has been happening over the past few months, rugby sure did help alot. Having a limit anger meant that I had all the strength I needed. Never had I tackled like how I did in the last season. Well, let's just say I kinda plan to keep things that way for now.

Well, those happenings seemed to have affected my grades as well. Now, I have to work doubly hard just so that I can hopefully graduate as one of those few in class. I can only pray (: