Maybe, I've been able to take care of everyone else so well that they forgot that I too need to be cared for. Perhaps I've been so reliable, so dependable that it scares the shit out of people whenever I seem helpless. Perhaps, I am seen to be able to take care of myself so well, that it is highly expected of me to do so to the point that any deviance from that, results in some catastrophe of epic proportions.
Fuck me.
Monday, August 27, 2012
Wednesday, August 08, 2012
To trust you must confess
All attempts to falling asleep has so far failed. Even going out for a couple of puffs hasn't quite helped in settling the nerves. I guess, as of late, I have been rather jittery. A lot has been going through my mind and hence, sleep hasn't come easily for me. Even if I do eventually find it, I'll end up waking up every now and then. Random thoughts sears through my mind each time I try to lay in slumber. Being who I am, and being trained to be what I was supposed to be, scenarios play through my head- possibilities are just endless. Such is the curse of a highly imaginative mind.
The thing about me is that trust does not come easily for me. I am not sure why; in fact, nobody is. Discussions with experts of the mind has yet to yield any conclusions. In fact, I have always found it to be a struggle to just trust what one tells me- that all changed until I met chubs. But that has changed much as doubts begin to fill me head- its worst once it fills one's heart. But faith has done its part in disproving a lot of the doubts that fills me.
As of now, work has kept me occupied. Thankfully, my job demands that I am to be present else Murphy's Law might just ruin my career. Career- never had I once thought that I would be in this line but I am. At least I now have something to work with. With any luck and the grace of the Almighty this might prove to be a fruitful aspect of my life. Though it is not what I had dreamt about doing when I was a kid, it is close enough. It's similarity, for a lack of a better word, is so close that the only difference as of now is the clothing that I am in at work.
I guess at some juncture in life, people get scared. It's a matter of how you deal with that fear. This is even more so when one stumbles onto perfection- you'd be especially scared that you might just one day lose that for good. That said, taking extra precautions just to hold on to is not always justifiable. Often, we do too much of it and end up hurting others. That perfection could be easily tarnished and possibly mutate into a horrible nightmare.
Slowly, I am grasping at the fact that I am no longer a student. Slowly, I am accepting the fate that I am now an adult. As we grow older, we tend to get more and more clueless as to what we are doing or how we are supposed to be doing things. That's when routine comes into play. But routine being routine tends to dull the best of people. Hence, the need to strike a balance comes into play. That's when everything gets frustrating- you're often going in blind when trying to find that balance. Too much and one becomes obsolete; too little and one ceases to become an anchor.
As of now, I am adhering to the old adage thought to me by some war veterans that I have had the pleasure of having chanced upon- slow is smooth; smooth is fast.
The thing about me is that trust does not come easily for me. I am not sure why; in fact, nobody is. Discussions with experts of the mind has yet to yield any conclusions. In fact, I have always found it to be a struggle to just trust what one tells me- that all changed until I met chubs. But that has changed much as doubts begin to fill me head- its worst once it fills one's heart. But faith has done its part in disproving a lot of the doubts that fills me.
As of now, work has kept me occupied. Thankfully, my job demands that I am to be present else Murphy's Law might just ruin my career. Career- never had I once thought that I would be in this line but I am. At least I now have something to work with. With any luck and the grace of the Almighty this might prove to be a fruitful aspect of my life. Though it is not what I had dreamt about doing when I was a kid, it is close enough. It's similarity, for a lack of a better word, is so close that the only difference as of now is the clothing that I am in at work.
I guess at some juncture in life, people get scared. It's a matter of how you deal with that fear. This is even more so when one stumbles onto perfection- you'd be especially scared that you might just one day lose that for good. That said, taking extra precautions just to hold on to is not always justifiable. Often, we do too much of it and end up hurting others. That perfection could be easily tarnished and possibly mutate into a horrible nightmare.
Slowly, I am grasping at the fact that I am no longer a student. Slowly, I am accepting the fate that I am now an adult. As we grow older, we tend to get more and more clueless as to what we are doing or how we are supposed to be doing things. That's when routine comes into play. But routine being routine tends to dull the best of people. Hence, the need to strike a balance comes into play. That's when everything gets frustrating- you're often going in blind when trying to find that balance. Too much and one becomes obsolete; too little and one ceases to become an anchor.
As of now, I am adhering to the old adage thought to me by some war veterans that I have had the pleasure of having chanced upon- slow is smooth; smooth is fast.
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