While doing my work in the office, on a Sunday nonetheless, I've been blasting of songs from the past. It breathes an air of nostalgia as my mind races through my childhood, through my teenage years and into my young adulthood.
The concept of adulthood is still bewildering despite having gone through about a decade of it. I still shy away from responsibilities from time to time knowing that my decisions could have an impact on the lives of others. Being a teenager was so much simpler and it does bring back some really fond memories.
If I could talk to my 13 year old self, I would certainly tell him that things are what they are and not to wish for them to be otherwise. Growing up, I never got the things that I wanted. I was always envious of my friends for having the latest gaming consoles, latest games, allowances enough to take girls out on dates - things that I constantly craved for growing up. I guess, that is one of the reasons why I was so shy with girls. I grew up thinking that if I talked to girls, I would end up having to take them out on dates. Well, that warped logic of mine wasn't that far fetched. As soon as I started talking to girls, they soon took a liking for me. When that happened, I got worried because I didn't have any extra money to spend on/with them. That might sound a tad chauvinistic of me but that's what I've been taught - if you asked somebody out, you better be a good host. And being a good host meant that they shouldn't have to burden themselves. In this instance, that would have meant that they shouldn't have to spend any money.
So, I wished to grow up quicker so that I would have the financial freedom to attain what I couldn't from my daily allowance. Besides, it was not fair to my parents to give me more money just so that I could take one step closer towards impregnating somebody's daughter. Okay, I exaggerate.
Well, I remember that feeling of regret, the feel like I need to savor all that is left of secondary school when I was halfway through secondary 4. That same old feeling reemerged in JC1 when I realized not many actually breeze through JC and end up straight into the work force after 2, maybe 3, years of unhappy JC life. So I decided that I will really squeeze every ounce of experience that I can get in JC. I really caught up in the dating sphere after gaining some financial freedom from having to work before entering JC and even during the June and December holidays.
Looking back, I'd say the 4 years as an adolescent teenager were the best years of my life. Despite lacking any financial freedom, I was allowed to be a kid. A smelly one at that from all the soccer and running around I did. Thankfully, I did not stench up any bus as I only had to walk home after school.
I guess these pangs of nostalgia were only made explicit with the death of a friend. Without it, I would have seen life as it is - always having the chance to revert to a time of innocence whenever I hang out with them. But age has indeed caught up and people get married. Those who are married have or going to have kids. Slowly but surely, we all drift apart into our own lives. Sad as it is, I guess this is the reality of adulthood. Each having to ensure their own, as well as their kids, survival.
If only we could turn back time and have run really slowly this time around.
