You know what would be a cruel joke that God could play on me?
It would be that he was to end it all for me the moment I finish my last paper.

Hahahah!

No, I am not lamenting on suicide.

I am half-way through my exams. As much as I can't wait for it to be over, I too dread that all will be over soon. The holidays this time around would mean a lot of free time for me- too much.

Sure I've got loads to do. Besides teaching(yes I teach. Surprise?), rugby, getting back in shape and also army will be a taking up a lot of my time. I guess, the YOG just couldnt come at a better time. This would mean an extended summer vacation for us all! But then, what the hell am I supposed to fill it up with besides the routine that I've just laid out? Maybe I should go on a short trip(by myself perhaps?) Then again, when I do something, I'd rather be doing it with somebody. Hell, I think everybody does if not they'll be only left with masturbating(that said, when I said doing something with somebody that something didn't have any sexual inclinations).

Let's see. I've got to attend a reservist in June. I could get my bike serviced and hopefully sell it off for a car AND a bike. I've got a 7s tournament for my club and 7s training for school. A road trip sometime in May. Hmm...July seems rather empty. I think, I should try India or something? Somewhere cheap yet something. I know, flying off to India is like flying off into a toilet when some dude is taking a crap. But yeah, it seems like an interesting place. Maybe, I should just scare my parents and tell them that I'm about to board the plane and will be heading somewhere for the next few days? Hhahaha! Then again, if I did that, they wont give me extra pocket money for my trip. Hmm...

Anyway, I am truly burned out from school. Everyday seems like a drag to me. Well, except when I'm in school that is. Great company can make the most painful experience the sweetest escape Like I said, now I have something to look forward to. But after I reach that point in time, then what? I guess life is a series of looking-forward-to kinda thing. There is always looking forward to. Sadly enough, nobody is looking forward to the inevitable-death.

Shall end it there and try not to sound too morbid. Well, 2 more papers and I'm done with my 2nd year in University. It has been rather..urm..something. Too bad not everyone believes me when I tell them that I don't feel like studying anymore(for the moment perhaps?). The moment I tell them that, I'd get negative responses and all that stuff. That's the problem with people today. Always jumping to conclusion. But when I get them to do standing broad jump, only God knows that they can't even jump for the sake of their lives. Tsk! Evalute and analyse. No point getting angry over something that you can't even begin to comprehend(there is a lot of them on just the other side).

If you have integrity, nothing else matters. If you don't have integrity, nothing else matters.

It seems that the most lucrative kind of enterprise deals with only two things: birth and death. There is at least a baby being born everyday. At the same time, the death of a person occurs on the daily basis as well. If you were to follow thelogic from FinalDestnation, in order for there to be the occurence of birth, there first has to be death. A life given up so that a new life can be given. I wonder how many of us believe in tha dictum.

I only belive in one thing- the temporaral state of everything. Life isn't permenant and neither are the people in our lives. The state of living requires us to be burning bridges everyday(if you think I'm talking in the most literal sense then you deserve a good smackdown from Mr.Socko).

Like the saying says, we cannot control who enters our lives but we can control who exits. Are we really capable of such feats? I highly doubt so. Sudden exits leave us exasperated for answers. The question why looms days and sometimes even years on end. But to ask that question why is just as pointless as pulling out the legs of a centipede. Each why is answered with a because and each because is followed by yet another why(yes, not everyone is conscious about this just like how you CAN actually lick your elbows).

The faithful can probably answer that God has his plans. The "rational" can probably come up wth an entire book just to explain the simple concept of The Temporal State of Everything. How do you overcome this? You can't! A loss is evident! And that is me looking at it optomistcally. I'd say that you're a fool if you were to be calling me a pessimist. Just have to make the bes of thing an enjoy the moments they life presents to you-both the good and the not so good. There can never be a bad moment in your life if you are open to this concept.

However, after all is said and done, I still don't know how I'm going to cope when I eventually lose my parents. Everyone is getting older. I'm where my dad was 30 years ago. About 20 years ago, my dad lost his dad. Less than a decade ago,my dad lost his mom. I don't know how he copes with it but he seems to be doing rather fine. Maybe becaus he has been keeping himself real busy after the passing of his dad. That's one more reason why I want to join the army - so that I'll got before my parents does because, honesty, I do not know if I can even cope when their time had come. At least, if I die in a war, they'll be guarenteed at least 100k worth of life insurance (:

I really hate the exam period. I can tell that it's much worse than having a period from the pained look on everyone's faces(especially some of the girls). Some people don't know how lucky they are truly yet they are the ones found to be complaining the most. These
people are going to be "moulding the future of our nation" in a couple of years time.

I don't get it. Besides not having to pay for the "education" that they are receiving, what makes them so busy? Seriously! I know by now I'm just being a pain in the ass to be lamenting about such insignificance over and over again. Buy I am just really disgruntled about all these. I'm like the sandwhiched class- neither here nor there. It's not how it's really the middle class that is really the one suffering because all the money in
the world are with the rich whereas
the poor are eligible to receive money from th through charity. What about
those in the middle? Well, they have to slug it
out by doing this little thing called
work. Bleargh!!!

Sleeping so late everyday and having to wake up so early is killing me! Slowly but surely. Besides air, water and food, the lack of sleep WILL kill you next! Having
accumulated a sleep debt of more than 24 hours is akin to be legally/medically drunk due to the lack of judgement and fine motor skills. Crap. I've accumulated a sleep debt of 9 hours already over the past 48 hours! Wohoo! I am a third of the way there to be declared legally drunk (;

Do we still?
We believe

Sometimes, I just feel that it wouldn't make a difference if I was to just disappear.

I'm writing this out of sheer randomness. So far, nothing interesting has been going on. But then again, I just completed Bad Company 2 in record timing! Kick ASS!!! I guess this sheer boredom does get to me sometimes. Oh well, I'm just savoring every single moment like it is my last because, moments don't last forever. It's the memories of those moments that sticks with you for life (and even death if you you a firm believer in the afterlife thingy[life after death is like sweating in the shower]).

Anyway, the days have been long and the nights have been warm. It's like I'd rather stay in school anyway for fear of being too sleepy to complete the journey home. I should get an Iphone just so that I can stay awake for the journey home. That justifies unnecessary spending right? It is going to be a life saver!

Three more weeks and it's the end of my 2nd Year in NTU. Everything is moving so fast..it's like i've got no time to sit down and soak it all in. Up to date, I've got a total of 14+8+1+2(impending)+1= 26 students to teach. Whoa!!! Well, if you think this isn't quite a feat it's because you're a teacher (or going to be one) and your students are (or going to be)failing because of you. It's funny how Newsweek came out with an article to improve the education system and nobody reads it. Ironically, it's in the library at NIE. Maybe, just maybe, they're too scared to read the truth? Because the truth of our fleeting education system is because of (surprise surprise!) bad teachers amidst a variety of factors. But teachers remain the main factor here.

I kinda agree with what the article reads. NIE are taking a bulk of those who were not successful in entering University/College. It has become a dumping ground for them. In addition to that, the also scoop up those who just left secondary school and also ahtiongs to fill up the MT department. They then pay them cheap cheap salaries and then, at the end of the day, they wonder- why is the turnover rate so high?

1) Little pay
Even a construction worker earns more. And don't be a simple minded dumbass to think that I'm just referring to banglahs. Those are what we call grunts. Go google construction workers. It is a field of expertise which requires at least a diploma in civil engineering.

2) Incompetency
Many times over, this has been mentioned across the board. IT is not the student's fault. After all, if you had a shitty ass teacher, would you bother with the teacher and the teacher's class? I sure as hell wouldn't. And that is how I've learnt the fine art of ponning classes.

3) Administrations
60% of a teacher's time is spent doing that isn't even related to teacher. Lesson plans, CCAs and a whole shit load of things that affects(adversely) the quality of (whatever seems to be) their teaching. In the teaching industry  (yes it is an industry!) red tape has spawned it's way through to the point that nobody can take it anymore. EVEN THE STUDENTS!

So what can be done to, well, change all this? Here's my 95cents worth:
1) Channeling the funds
Why spend so much on something that might be so useless? Programs like STP and a lot of other programs should be cut out. Instead, dangle the carrot in front of competent prospects from the three universities with lots and lots of money. Give them a contract of about 3-5 years. And if they choose to leave after that, by all means go. IF they choose to stay, up their salaries even more. If the ministry can channel the fundings into increasing the salaries of teacher, who wouldn't want to go into teaching? I mean, right now, people are choosing other professions other than teaching because of what that profession has to offer- more money. Though their interest  MAY be in teaching, just because it doesn't pay enough in accordance to their educational attainment.

2) Improving competency
I think, most of my reasons has to do with channeling the funds. After all, would you ask someone who failed in the test to teach you? *silence followed by a resounding NO!* Right now, that is what the education system is hiring to teach young impressionable minds. A few years later, they become exasperated at the number of kids that are failing. A way to improve this is to up the ante at the training institutes. Admit only those who want to go into teaching not because they don't have anywhere else to go but because they want to. At  the same time, they have to had acquired good results in order to be admitted. To go to an extreme end, cut out all programs and build up on the PGDE programs. By then, these graduates would have already specialized in their own fields. All they need is to be guided to the methodologies of teaching AKA pegadoggy or pedagogy, or pedagroggy or whatever. While this may sound radical, like a tumor or cancer, when removed early, it might save lives!

3) Wipe out!
After taking a couple of mods in NIE, I' have got to say that some of the lecturers there are simply truly awesome! So awesome that ONLY they can understand what they're saying. Nobody else does. What was it that they thought? Nobody knows. There are only a few who have satisfied the requirements to teach. So, the ministry should scout not only for potential teachers but also for these talented lecturers and not just hire anyone who shows interest. The special forces selection eventually cuts down the number of people who are interested to those who are actually the best. So why cant the education ministry do the same?

I can foresee a backlash of criticism coming from this article. Well, all I can say ask you is, what do you think? If you, my dear readers, fall into any of these category, well, i apologize for telling you the truth. Yeap! The truth does hurt my friends. But sooner or later, justice has to be served. Cancer has got to be stopped.

Lose a leg, save the body!
Life over limbs!

Never ascribe to malice that which can adequately be explained by incompetence

My Sundays are getting boring by the week. It's like I don't have a life anymore. I know i know..you all just can't wait to agree with me on it; rejoicing at the fact that you are right..right? Yeap..i know my demographics (:

Anyway, the only "exciting" that I have got going on is my Sunday night rides back to school. Music blasting my ear and throttling my bike to full throttle reaching speeds in excess of whatever the speed limit is supposed to be. Well, at least I'm getting work done. That's how i'm going to tell my kids (if i have any) how my uni life is going to be. God damn boring! hahahah! Well, it's not as if I have that much money to splurge on anyway. I'm going to save up for something.

Sometimes i wish that I hadn't done so well for my studies so that I get to be across the road and wait (fervently)  for the 12th of every month. At least i've got money to spend...even if it's quite little too. Impulsive spending does seem quite tempting. Buy the damn thing and then figure out how i'm going to survive for the rest of the month or even the rest of my life as a bankrupt.

Anyway, there's nothing annoying me much now. Just the fact that I'm rather irritated with the number of foreigners that we have in this small island. Imagine the number of Ahtiongs ( I still remember how my professor asked me about the whole ahtiong thing during a bloody lecture! hahahahha!) I met today. I panicked for awhile thinking that I was somewhere further (way up) North and had forgotten to bring my passport. Is it just me or is there really way too many of them?

Anyway, the sem is moving way too fast for me. In just a couple of weeks time, Year 2 AKA my sophomore year will be over! The term in a blink of an eye is merely an understatement. In fact, it is an understatement to call it an understatement! Whoa!!!! Well, let's just say that not all has been good. Wish it had. But then, perhaps, God has got other plans for me. Plans that he has yet to reveal to me. Well, hopefully, I get to see what he has in store for me. It is my life after all.

*Starts praying for a sign*
Nopes.
A middle finger is not a sign that I was looking for.

It's a rather nice place where I am right now. It's very quiet with no distraction save for this. I just feel like writing about it even though I have something to write out i.e. A case study. But that can wait.

I feel rather at peace with my self right now. A view to die for. A nice comfy chair. And practically, nothing to worry about- not even examinations. I guess this is what I feel each time I get to witness this amazing even going on. Despite a the tree line blocking the view a little, it is still worthwhile. Such is the beauty of magic hour.

Each time it comes, I'd have to be somewhere to view it lest I'd be restless. I have to be there to witness the change. It doesn't matter if I do not get to be the one to effect the change because being a witness is enough to be a part of it all.

Light turns to darkness. I hate it when it's night. There's simply nothing to look forward to anymore. 2 years in the army meant that whenever darkness rolled in, it was time for me to play. Literally. Well everybody's knocked out cold, we'd be out there fighting the "enemy". Well, finding rather than fighting them actually. Each step we made could either lead us to victory or our demise. The best part was, nobody knew which way our each step could lead us to. We simply did the best to our abilities and hoped for the best. Faith, Hope and Glory.

It's not that simple anymore now. Night only means that I'm tired(hopefully) enough to fall asleep. I am no night bird and I can sleep almost anywhere literally. I am much worse than a banglah in that sense. But on my bed, sleep comes hard for me. In the comfort of my own home, I do not feel comfortable at all. But out there, out in the field, where it is seemingly dangerous, I am extremely comfortable. Where I can lie down is where I can sleep.

What it used to be

What it is right now

The week has been rather tiring. Although, it's really contradicting of me to say that there is still a lot of gas left in the tank. Hahahaha! Anyway, I've been waking up feeling especially tired. How not to when my body would only me to fall asleep around 3am everyday. It's usually work after work after work till around 1 in the morning before I decide to retire for the day. Even when I do, my body just refuses to fall asleep. Furthermore, I am especially "high" during the evenings. Perhaps that's why I'm able to do all those things in the gym.

List of things that I have "accomplished" in the gym
Bench Press: 90 Kg
Deadlifts: 120Kg
Bent-over rows: 80KG
Pull ups: 12 with 10kg dumbbell hanging(20 without)
Leg press: 140kg still can't do squats :(
Bicep curls: 20kg dumbbells
Dips: 50 reps in one go
Push ups: 25 reps with 20kg plate on my bag (leg propped up on a bench)

So yeah, that's a list of my "conquest". It's rather mundane..i know. But other than school and work, there's really not much going on in my life right now. SO i'd make do with what I have and turn it into something that I actually enjoy. So, my days have been quiet alright lately. Nights are a different ball game altogether.

Work has really taken up a lot of my time. Monday and Wednesday nights plus Saturday mornings are extremely enjoyable. I know SOME people are saying that I'm no teacher. Believe me, I am. And Im no poor excuse for a teacher either. So what if I'm not in NIE?! At least, If i do go there, it's really by choice and not the lack of it. Crap, distracted by crap again.

Anyway, it's really taking up a lot of my time. Perhaps, I have bitten off more than I can chew? A lot of people have been telling me that. Or rather, they have been pretty unsure if i can successfully manage my time. Well, I'm the sort of person whom loves to prove others wrong. Most of the time (close to almost), I will be able to achieve just that.

It's like on one mission. Being pinned downed by "enemy fire". Despite my PC telling me not to, I went on ahead and capture those MGs. I simply told my 2IC," Eh, take care of them!" and then disappeared into the mountains. 1 down! 2 down! Alas, the safety controllers reprimanded us from using the captured machine guns. What a wet blanket! Even someone from the Spec Ops was impressed by what I did. This was all done after my superiors told me, " Fadzil, don't be crazy! You can't go alone one!!" They keep telling me this despite being unable to advance. Frustration got the better of me as I went ahead with that. Hahahaha. They did't reprimand me for my "acts of insubordination" only because they were not sure what to say.

Anyway, the more someone tells me to not do something, the more will I want to do it. Kinda like how my primary school teachers looked down on me for my terrible academic performanc( I still have yet to thank them for that. PFFFFFFFFT!) I can't believe they put the incompetents on the pedestal and pushed me aside thinking that I was dumb or something. Hhahaha. I proved them wrong.

In secondary school, people thought i was one of those "nice" people. Ones that they could pick on and stuff like that. Well, I joined the rugby team and the rest is history. They thought I was going to end up in ITE or NIE. I proved them wrong.

Everyone thought I was going to fail my A lvls. Well, I know I was kicked out from JC after just 2 years. Well, at least they kicked me out with a decent A lvl result. Those who looked down on me, are nowhere in sight. At least they didn't double the required years spent in JC. (Please note, MI is a different story altogether because it is a different kind of institution. Cant compare one with the other. It's like comparing a Bus to a Tombstone.( NO PUN INTENDED HERE!))

Right now, I'm out to prove others wrong by that I do have enough time. Maybe just not for myself.

I can't believe im spewing out rubbish so early in the morning. HELLO WORLD!

Adeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeekkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk!
;)

If you think I MIGHT be referring to you, you're probably right!

Question: WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?!

Touting yourself as an undergrad. DOOD!! I bet you received a long service award for what you did and then still have the cheek to tout yourself as an "undergrad"? HUH?!?!?! That is very very insulting to all of us who actually worked our butt off to get where we are. Worse part is, you pretend that you or your father owns the bloody compound WHEN YOU DON'T EVEN PAY A SINGLE CENT FOR IT'S USE?!

Listen, the world doesnt owe you a living contrary to your skewed mentality. If anything, you owe the whole world a living. Better yet, you owe the world your life.

If it's a fight you're looking for, you've got it! I'm not hiding from anything. So stop pretending that you're not looking for one when you're actually hiding from me.

The only reason that ANYONE can come out with for that mentally unsound anger of yours is this: the love isn't returned! heck..the love isn't even felt! So quite being a pussy and complaining to the individual's parents and getting them on your side with pathetic, fake, lame tears of yours. Nobody can see through that but I can!

I have never known an airhead that is so selfish that they'd rather sacrifice the live of other's for your own fucking happiness. You do not deserve even an inch of it. So quite walking around tall because I've never seen anyone so short in my life before. Even a jellyfish has got more spine than you. Even an 11 year old kid has got more guts then you.

You want a fight. You've got it! Come find me fucking fishfuck!

Apparently, it was my niece's birthday yesterday. It took all the effortless nagging (a special ability that my mom has) of my mom to make me go there. I just didn't feel like going especially with the possibility of them interrogating me for details which I really do not feel like sharing. Thankfully, nobody asked me anything about what happened. Maybe my mom did a pre-emptive strike and told them not to? I wouldn't know. By the time I (eventually) got there, they were all packing up and half the family had already gone home. Phew!

Then, came another unjoyous event- Soccer! Well, Manchester United VS Chelsea to be exact. Apparently, it was the clash of the titans as Man U was first in the table whereas Chelsea was 2nd. It was (I'm not going to admit this if you ask me) rather entertaining. The two goals that Chelsea scored was rather fixed. The whole time I watched the match made me realize that the match may have been fixed. I bet all those soccer fans (those who can just shout at how bad those players are without realizing that they are probably worst off in soccer) are agonizing at how bad the refereeing was. Well, I disagree! The ref was simply amazing!!!

The number of times KELONG! was shouted could probably make up for the birthrate that we need in order to replace the outgoing generation. I couldn't agree more for the number of bad calls that the referee made. Or were they?

Let me explain further with questions.
1) Somebody has got to win right?
2) Would anyone still watch the EPL if Man U who was at the top of the table won?
3) Wouldn't it be more entertaining to watch Man U struggle?
4) Didn't Man U scored off a handball?
5) Wouldn't it be more entertaining to watch teams fight out for the top spot after realizing that MAN u can actually be taken down?
6) Wouldn't it sustain viewership if Man U lost?

Somehow, those questions didn't come out as well as I thought of them. I guess what my teachers have told me all along is probably true. I just can't seem to express what I'm thinking or feeling pretty well. Especially not in writing. But I've found a perfect way to overcome them all- through my actions. There has never been a day that my actions have lied. If you think that they are, you've probably misread them. It all comes right from the heart.

Gory gory what a helluva way to die....

I do not know how someone can be so intent on destroying me. It can only mean one thing- whatever they're doing is out of spite. Might as well go invade a country and claim that you're looking for weapons of mass destruction in the name of world peace.

I've had enough of these childish escapades that people have on my space. I have my thoughts which are superior in comparison to others. So why try to impose yours when no soul wants to even hear-much less listen to it? It's really pointless what people can be doing these days. Feeling so accomplished with so little..

They can say that they're just being grateful with what God has given them. But really? If that is the case, I really shouldn't be doing anything because God is going to be giving them to me anyway right? This aren't my thoughts but thoughts others are trying to impose onto me.

I have always believe that I have to do my best in everything that I do. Sadly, I'm not living up to my own ideals these days. How to when one's heart is heavy and mind is constantly thinking. Sleep has not been coming easy for me nowadays. I try and try- i'd end up being a salad being tossed and turned in bed. IT really stinks.

I guess, some people can just be so manipulative that the others are not able to see through that. WEll i can! And because of such manipulation, the truth has to remain hidden- no matter how painful it gets. How is that being fair to others?

The world does not owe anyone a living. If you're espcially screwed up, the more the world doesn't owe you a living at all. Heck! The world doesn't owe you anything at all- its the other way around! PRetty soon, they'd find themselves in over their head from all that pretending and bullshit that they've called thinking having imposed them onto the minds of many.

I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. It's like nothing that I do is worth anything anymore. Nothing that I did worths anything anymore.

It's really time to walk the talk and not just talk the walk. Words are cheap especially these days with high-inflation rates known as bullshit. It's really not fair that when one is going down, they've decided to drag an innocent soul down with them. That, my friend, is pure evil.

How happy is the blameless vestal's lot!
The world forgetting, by the world forgot.
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!
Each prayer accepted, and each wish resigned

Blessed are the forgetful: for they get the better even of their blunders

I’m going to smile and make you think I’m happy, I’m going to laugh, so you don’t see me cry - Im going to smile

Dear God,

I cannot take this anymore.
If I have done something so gravel wrong, please tell me,
so that I know that I'm being punished.

Please go easy on me, for you have a greater punishment that awaits me in the thereafter,
Tell me what I did wrong so I know that I'm being punished,
Tell me what I did wrong so that I know how to repent,
Tell me what I did wrong so that I know how I should change.

I simply cannot take this anymore,
I'm walking yet I'm dead,
I don't want to lose my faith in you,
or the religion that you have sent to me from above.

If I simply do not deserve happiness, tell me,
so that I know what I should do to end all these,
Tell me what is my purpose on this earth,
Tell me how I should get there to the point of final destination.

Dear God,
If you have no wish for me to be on this earth anymore,
please take me away already,
for the only pain that will hurt greater than this,
is the pain that you will deal with me in the thereafter.

Amin