I'm looking to the sky to save me

I once got into somebody's bad books for trying to spell out a logic which can only be deemed as warped to many. In short, I was misunderstood. We have all been there and the guilt never quite wears off- this is despite the fact that we meant well. Kinda feels like Hancock sometimes- the (possibly) greatest anti-hero of all time.

Most of the time, without stopping to explore further of what I am trying to say, people would stop short and label me as mean. To a great extent, I never mince my words for niceties or even political correctness. There's a Malay proverb which (when roughly translated according to my horrible Malay) goes, "Because of mouth, the body suffers". Ever since picking up a variety of martial arts, the only way this body has ever suffered is because I made it so- with the exception of the ACL tear. Lifting weights has only doubled the chances of anyone ever thinking of beating me up for what I say.

But I guess being human also means that I can be quick to judge as well. For instance- I have always stereotyped being fat as a result of being lazy. That is true because I am suffering from that too. I do make an effort though- it won't be long till I lose this muffin top of mine and get back to how I previously was. But I guess there's way too many people who's out to prove that I am actually right because despite being fat, they don't really bother about it. Doing the bare minimum is never enough. That's one of the biggest takes that the army has ever taught me- I actually had people under my charge who would suffer if I just tried to skim through. Back from the deviation, I would always equate being fat to being lazy because it's simply too bullshity for people to say that they have big bones. I mean, dinosaurs have big bones. Heavy too! So unless you're calling yourself a dinosaur, you better do something about it lest you'd be extinct as well.

I have really deviated from what I really want to talk about. Then again, my mind is a flurry of thoughts. I think I have mentioned this before: whatever I write looks just like an episode of The Simpsons because the ending is totally unrelated to how I begun. My mind is the most active whenever I am on my bike. Somehow, I manage to switch to autopilot mode and just ride through traffic no matter how heavy it is. Somehow, I am at my calmest then. Sometimes, I'd even have to take a longer route just because I miss an exit or a turn. I should really mount a microphone and speak my mind. Who knows, I might actually not recognize that it was me saying that or to even think of saying something like that. But I guess it'd be better if somehow, there's a device that translates my thoughts into writing. At least I could edit that.

Ok! Back to what I was talking about. While what I say might sound mean, I really am not! I might just be speaking my mind- not the whole of it but enough to sputter something out which, to many, is actually mean. I guess that is courage. To say what you think and to do what you believe despite what others might think of you. At the end of the day, it doesn't really matter who's right because you can be the most morally righteous creature to ever walk this planet but if you don't act on it or even speak to anyone about it, then it doesn't exist. This is kind of like the saying which goes, "If a tree fell in a forest and no one heard it, did it really fall?"

I guess having enemies might be a sign that I am actually doing what I am supposed to do. Half my men hate me just because I was trying to do my job. I have been labelled "seow-on" or "on-the-ball" but at least I am on the right ball. Besides that, well, there are those who think that I can actually be mean. But then again, you never really make fun of a fat person do you. I mean, if he is fat, then you wouldn't make fun of him being fat. You actually encourage him to lose all that fats. Well, for me, encouragement comes in the form of ridicule because igniting that inner monster in you to lose your fats is what I want to do. I don't want to become your nanny or babysitter or even your trainer and nag and pester you to lose that fats. The inertia is way to great and it'll just end up consuming me. I'd rather cause an explosion from within because that creates are far more greater driving force.

Then again, how did this end up becoming a topic about me talking about losing fats??

"You have enemies? Good! That means you've stood up for something, sometime in your life"- Winston Churchill

You've got this look that's that of an angel, it's such a bad disguise...

When does something ever get tiring for anyone? I suppose it differs from person to person and how much something means to someone. It is true that the thing maybe the greatest love for you but that does not mean that it never gets tiring. Afterall, there is time and effor that is being put into building it, shaping it and eventually treasuring it.

But sometimes, things just overwhelm us. We all get overwhelmed somewhere, somehow, sometime in life. That's the moment when you realize that shit just got serious. At that moment, we all need to go somewhere quiet to recuperate and more importantly to reorganize and sort shit out. That's the moment that we weigh whether that something is worth it all. We do value the worth of something differently. Somehow, we have to meet in the middle and see things through because at the end of the day, we never really quite know whether the regret will come from doing it or not to have done it at all.

That was how I have felt over the last couple of moments. But the realization came about when I thought that this is going to be my final semester and no matter how things turn out, I am going to make it worth all. The sweat, the tears, the pain- it willl all be worth all when I look back because having been out for an entire season made me realize that the regret will only be the result of not doing it. That regret is the greatest of them all since the though of "could have, should have, would have" will haunt us for an enternity.

But that will come at a sacrifice for now. In fact, that sacrifice has already been experienced seeing how my GPA has been steadily declined ever since I took over the team. Maybe that was due to a variety of factors but I am sure that my commitment has dealt the biggest blow to it. So I have a little bit more trouble getting a job. Well, I hope that somehow, someone would see my true value and give me an opportunity to exercise my capabilities. It's not to say that I am incompetent but I just do not really have a liking to what I am studying. I don't even know why I took up this degree. Some of my hallmates have commented how I sounded like I was approaching a mid-life crisis. Being the-guy-who-pretty-much-grows-up-quickly, I guess everything has been accelerated for me. So this comes to me as no surprise that I am actually already facing it.

It has long reached a point that I am actually supporting myself throughout my student years. Well, my parents do provide a life-line for me when it becomes really unbearable. But I suppose that it is fair to say that I haven't been able to enjoy my student life fully due to all the things that I have to do just to get by. Many possibly share this sentiment but when I look at all my uni friends and how blissful their life is with all the traveling and exposure to places far and foreign, I look at the walls of my well and think about how envious I am of all that. But I am contented. I am like that frog, only looking at the sky wondering how it is really like out there. At the same time though, I am not just sitting around and wonder. I am actually building up the strength and courage to eventually leap out of that well to see the world. Faith that I will eventually achieve that keeps me going strong. All that strength, courage as well as faith has to be mulitiplied many times over as I am in a really deep well. But I'll get out, somehow, someday.

I've got my finger on the trigger and you're in my way

Watching the first 2 episodes of Friends certainly brings me back to much simpler times. The series ran from 1994-2003. That's 10 years of my life which I spent growing up watching the show almost in a religious manner. Sure before I was 13 all I could was trying to understand what was actually being said but after that, I couldn't help but to be amused at all their antics.

It's strange though how quickly time has actually flew by. I still remember how it is when I was 7 and even though I am nearing a quarter of a century, I still remember being 7 rather vividly. Well, time has passed by too quickly. Yet, as we get older, all we ever do is to rush from place to place, hope that class will end sooner and whatnot. Wonder why people never got down to grasp the concept of just being in the moment really. It is at that moment where neither the past nor the future really matters. Money wise, that's the quickest way to go broke. But nevertheless, it's worth it all!

I wish that Pandora box never gets opened too much. Things right now are simply to delicate to just be discussed casually. I guess I am at a stage that every manner, every motion, every thought, ever word matters! I am being scrutinized! It comes to a stage that well, under a lot of pressure, I might just break. But I guess that doesn't really matter to many since everyone believes that I am unbreakable. Perhaps it's the way I portray myself. Then again, once you manage to access the inner child, all you end up seeing is someone who is pretty much very messed up. This is the kid whose parents never showed up for any of his matches or has shown an sign of support for his interests. Yeah, well, so I didn't join the NCC. Guess that must have been a very great disappointment to my dad. But then again, I found something which I truly love and have stuck with it ever since. I suppose, rugby has been the main constant in my life.

I can't help but to look out for any familiar face standing in the crowd whenever I play. I suppose this has been a learnt habit which I picked up ever since I played my first finals which my parents dismissed as something which was not important at all. So ever since then, I am always on the look out for any familiar face or faces because i'd only tell someone about a match if I care enough for their presence. But I am learning that my team on the field needs me more even if its for that short period of time because everyone simply goes their own separate ways afterwards. To me, if you don't show up, you don't care enough about what I care about.

Well, I guess that's enough self-pity for now. I really don't know what's going on with me. This sure sounds like a suicide note written by some 12 year old but oh wells, sometimes being incoherent can be rather therapeutic.

Hot Damn! Dingity Dang!

Many people have asked me as to why I smoke or why did I ever picked up smoking in the first place. For the longest time, i haven't been able to answer that question unless you consider the should shrugging as a sort of answer.

I still remember the first time I ever attempted smoking. It was still in army and well, few of the guys decided to hang out at Arab Street for some Shisha of which they wanted to bring me clubbing afterwards. Funny thing was, I was hanging out with army regulars. I guess I really caught their attention with the whole "interests" thing. Well long story short, that I was the first time I had a puff of anything smokey! It wasn't until a couple of months later that I tried smoking when I was in Taiwan. The first day I smoked, I finished an entire pack of Marlboro Reds. It's really a WTF moment for many as I had to resort to buying from ninja vans afterwards.

Fast forward to today, it was only in the recent months that I realize why I smoke. This realization only came about after the months that I did not smoke but only to go back to it for one reason. Because I was not happy. In fact, when I am feeling every other way except for happy, I smoke.

To be honest, I am very well aware of the dangers of smoking. It hurts, it kills- over a very long period of time. During a stint at a hospital during one of the vacations, I saw many of the devastating effects smoking can do to a person. Having a conversation for a patient can make him really tired as, well, his lungs basically were not functioning anymore. Seeing people die as a result of it is just as unnerving.

Smoking to me is because of something that happened. It calms my nerves down and whenever shitty times roll by, it just takes the edge off of things. Hence, after many months of not smoking, I picked it up again on my 22nd birthday since, well, things were rather shitty for me. It's for the very reason why smoking harms that I turned to a cigarette when, well, I am not happy. And yes, that's a lot of times that I have a reason to not not smoke.

I guess over time, some people, events, incidences have become a reason to smoke. It got to the point that I was hacking down a pack a day. Even getting shot in the knee wouldn't be as painful as that. But yes, for now, it does get me by. All there is for me not to smoke is one reason and one reason only- happiness.

We've got the beat, the bass, the melody...

It's almost 2 weeks into 2012 and only have I slowly begun to recover from the ordeal that I went through. Sure it might seem mild to many and nonsensical even! All that is slowly fading to black and I am right back on track.

Graduation is only 3-4 months away and my grades are nowhere near decent. In fact, many might find it horrendous and wonder what I have been doing for the past 7 semesters. Well, to list a few, it's been a struggle to juggle school, work(s), rugby and also relationships. While I might have failed in some department, I am certainly prevailing in others. In fact, I have even come back stronger in areas where I have failed.

I have never regretted any of the events that has happened in the past 7 semesters. In fact, I would gladly go through all of it again if given the chance. I do not understand why many of my peers are really looking forward to starting their careers. Don't any of them realize that this is the best part of life? Uni is the only time where you actually understand what is being taught because it is the only time where everyone is able to challenge the teacher. It is also the point in time where we are actually old enough to go wherever we want to with money and time constrains being the only obstacles. We can do whatever we want whenever we want. No adults are going to tell us that we can't do it.

I guess this is yet another stepping stone to the rest of our lives. I wonder what life would be like for me next year. Perhaps I would have gone on to do that Masters program. Perhaps I might be working. Who knows..time passes way to fast for us to be looking forward to the future so much to the point that we neglect the present.

Yesterday, I saw something on Tumblr ( I can't find it at this present time. Maybe if I can find it, I'll post it up) which goes something like,

"Do not forget that while we are growing up, our parents are growing old too.." 


That has always struck a chord in me. I have always wondered how life would be like without them. However I try to imagine, I simply cannot comprehend a life without them. They have been there for me all my life- no matter how I have treated them. I admit that I am not perfect but I do the best that I can. In fact, I can stress this enough especially to myself that once I have enough money, the first thing I want to do is to send them on the Hajj. That is the very least that I can do for them after all these while. Their love for me has been rather unconditional. If it wasn't for the 2 years that I spent in green, I wouldn't have realized it. Even if I had without the help of those two years, I wouldn't have been able to appreciate them as much as I do after that life changing experience.

Life isn't easy. Then again, compared to what? I have always likened myself to the SEAL's training maxim- The only easy day was yesterday. I don't know why I was such in a hurry to grow up. Now that I am sort of all grown up, I am trying to slow time as much as I can however I can. One of the things which I would like to make a tradition is Ubin. Those 6 days spent with friends just after our O levels was simply enjoyable. Then, time did not mean anything to us as we did whatever we wanted whenever we wanted with the exception of meals.

About a couple of Wednesdays ago, going back to that place simply brings back memories. Besides being able to pride in the fact that I know my way around the place extremely well, it is something of a ritual which I could use to find myself again. The almost non-existent presence of time is something of a tragedy elsewhere in Singapore as we move faster and faster as a society. This rat race that we have set on the moment we emerged from out mothers is somewhat an abomination of what we were meant to be. It is sad that we could now choose to forsake everything else for personal glory. It is just to bad that we can only realize what we have done only after we have done. Perhaps, just perhaps, people could use a little deductive reasoning before they step forth and embark on something. 

Oh my starry eyed surprise..

Watching Restrepo has given me a new perspective about the conflict that is middle east as well as what chaos is all about. It's like finding your way around in your room at night when the lights are off and you just don't know what you're looking for but you're there and there's nothing you can do about it because you don't know where is out or even where the light switch is. I guess that's how I have lived my whole life- minus being shot at (literally at least). That was also how I felt during the 3 weeks of being in green. I was just finding my way around; not knowing if I was doing the right thing or not (or even if I was doing enough). I guess that itself has left me scarred.

It seems like in a weekend's time, I'll be starting my final semester of school. Unless I decide to pursue the masters program, this is going to be the final semester of my life as a student. I guess after more than 16 years in school is starting to wear me out. But nobody can deny that these are the best years of anybody's life. I guess it's a common thing that everyone feels- they can't wait to grow up, to get out of school and start working. But when that happens, they actually do regret it and wished that they had the chance to get back to school. I guess I was really lucky to be able to experience this and yet still get back to school as I was able to work while waiting for my O/A level results as well as while waiting for Uni to start. Not to mention the slew of part-time jobs I have undertaken over the past few years that I was in uni.

This might also mean my last chance at rugby. I guess while this might not matter much to many, it matters a lot to me. Rugby has always been an integral part of my life ever since I was 13. That's more than 10 years ago ever since I picked it up. All of my friends have since moved on to other things. The only person who's still playing from the original team is me. I guess this is one of the best things in life despite the countless times that I have failed trials for the national team.

Well, tomorrow is sort of a big game for me. It's about the same time that I got injured last year and at the same venue as well. Not to mention the kick-off timing is going to be the same. I hope that after the final whistle, I'll still be able to walk back to my bike and ride back home instead of limping all the way to the taxi stand only to have to go through nine months of painful therapy as well as an operation which I woke up with the insatiable feeling of wanting to throw up.

Well, this is it. It matters more to me because this is a game which I am going to start. The last time such a thing happened was last year. The scars are still there- physical ones as well as mental ones. To be honest, I do dream about it from time to time- it being the whole incident which led to my right knee being in such a condition. This shit is permanent! Well, I guess I'll have to make do. Let's hope I make it through tomorrow.