On Leaders and Leadership

What is a leader? According to one of the few definitions that I have, a leader is a person who gives the people a purpose. I agree that definition to a great purpose. But then, more questions pops up- Why cant the people give themselves a purpose? What are these purposes for? What purpose? What for? Questions snowball themselves for that particular statement. Questions that I ask myself and others around me often.

To me, leadership simply means the ability to lead. Or rather, combined with that particular statement, the ability or skill to provide the people with a purpose. For the sake of this topic, I shall define purpose as a direction for all to follow. So all in all, the leader shows everyone else the way to go. But does that mean that he(or she) will show how to get there? When we will get there? What to do to get there or what to expect when we get there? Why we get there? My answer to all those question is-yes.

Yes, the leader does all that and more. A leader points in the direction to go, tells the people what to do, shows them how to do it and finally brings them in that direction with 2 simple words that would instil a foreign feeling into everyone. That feeling that burns up inside everyone is called courage. That courage to go, no matter what the circumstances might be are, "follow me!" Those simple words are enough to make anyone follow the leader and achieve the task at hand no matter how dire the situation might be. Circumstances are varied and hence nobody can predict the outcome of their actions. In a moment of folly, it could mean their demise. In a moment of brilliance, it could mean ultimate victory. But this is unpredictable. Only the results of that actions will show. Only then will the people know if it was a moment of folly or a moment of brilliance.

But what gives the leader the right to do this? One of ways to explain this is authority. Authority is power given to the position. Hence, the person in that position has that power. But, what legitimises this? I shall get back to this when I have more time.

A soldier must do everything he can to win the battle and most of the things he cant

Tonight, there is a lone star. I've seen it with my own eyes. What does it mean? Where have the rest of the stars gone to? Did it disappear? Disappear with time? Time...right now that is a very fluid concept. Everyday, I would question myself, I would wonder in my prayers-where did all the time go? Then during moments like now, I question myself: Why am I asking this questions?

I can probably answer the last question and should answer the last question first. Memories flooded me when I saw Taipei 101 on TV this morning. I couldn't help it. I don't even know how the floodgate opened but it did. Yes, I am reminiscing about the times I spent in the army. 2 years, which indeed is a long time to many is just too short for me. It's like Einstein's theory of relativity; when you are spending your time with something good and worth it, time just seems to dissipate away into thin air. It's like dropping an ounce of of powdered (something) into 200ml of hydrochloric acid. It just dissolves in a matter of seconds: so fast that you sometimes fail to observe it notice that it ever happens. Everything seems rather natural.

Life. Is it natural? Time. Is it normal? According to theoretical physicist, we all move through this thing called the space-time continuum. Our insatiable thirst for convenience which means that we want everything to be quick. We want everything to be there and then when we get there. Our thirst for convenience is slowly causing our ultimate demise. Nobody realizes it. Everybody denies of this. This thirst of ours is shortening our journey through that space-time continuum. They call it the String theory and that in order to travel to the future, we are taking short-cuts. Long routes or rather normal routes are a passée now. You will deemed a cavemen(or cavewomen) if you ever did take the normal route. Old-school as they would call it.

I do have more to write...but it just isn't quite the time for that yet. Please, pester me to continue with this. I shall write more afterwards. Good Night

Relationships are all about a power struggle. Each determines who has the upper-hand via means and ways which would and most probably could hurt the other party mentally, emotionally and even physically. It is and will continue to be a prevalent phenomenon in society. It is never ending even after death as people become heroes, heroes becomes legend and legends becomes myth (myth becomes fables).

This phenomenon has resulted in the death of millions over the course of history. It is a battle, in the most literal sense, between two people fought by millions who identified themselves with the ideals of those two.

The question, why do we fight, prevails in my mind ever since I grasped the concept of that word: Fight. All in all, I've been involved in different sports that have defined that word accordingly. It has indeed become my world. So why do we fight? Right now, the term power struggle comes to my mind. Professors have taught me that people continually exist in conflict because of resources. God has indeed given us limited resources. However, in my ideals, he limited them not because he wants us to fight over it but because he wants us to share with each other. However, we fight over in and sometimes, we, human beings, use his name in vain just so that we could have a bigger bone than the other.

Survival. That is what most would say they why would fight. But why do we want to survive? I've read the definition of the word courage and till this day it puzzles me. Courage: being brave enough to die so that you can live. Well, that is one of the definitions that I've got from an anonymous soldier (of whom I presume is already dead). So do we all have courage? Many definitions of this word has penetrated my brain. All of which, I am proud to say that I agree with. Other's have defined it as suppressing one's fear just for moments more.

But where does this fear come from? I'd say that it is their fear of death. After all, it is the unknown and many fear the unknown. I would say otherwise; the unknown isn't to be fear simply because it is the unknown. Nobody knows the unknown and why should we be scared of something we don't know? Is it through the religious books that we've been exposed to since our conception(in my definition, conception comes about after we have come to realize our existence)? Perhaps it is our continual fearing of God that we have to struggle so hard to remain alive. As one genius once said, I will live forever or die trying! He contradicts himself, but that is the truth. And there is nothing stranger than the truth. Reality is indeed stranger than fiction.

So coming back to relationships being a power struggle. Is it our fear of losing? We all occupy that category. Even the homeless do. Even beggars do. Because if they don't why would they be begging in the first place? They need to eat so that they can fill up their stomach and stave off hunger. Hunger kills- literally! Even monks fear. They don't show it, but that doesn't mean that they don't have it. In this sense, they have what I would call courage.

Hence, in our fear of losing that power struggle, we would go out and do whatever we could to prevent ourselves from losing. Death is inevitable. Hence, this put us in a losing situation. Do we really have powers over our lives? I doubt so. I believe that whatever we do, is never because we are doing it for the greater good. Our choices, as I believe, has always been that of choosing between the lesser of two evils. As an optimist(as much as I want to be but can't seem to be), I would want to choose the one that I have never tried before. Life is short, I agree. So....why cant we just be contented with what we have instead of continually pursuing something so elusive and in the process push others down one rung lower. I have yet to come to the conclusion to the question: Why we fight? However, that is because my pursue is not over yet. Perhaps, that question will only come to me on my death bed because death is simply life's way of saying that you have had a good life, its time for someone else to enjoy it. Perhaps, it's God's way of teaching us how to share.

Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome. Unknown

Today's training was AWESOME!!! Need i say more? Hehs...i seriously never though it could run soooooooooooooooooooooooo fast! hahaha. i even burned the ang mohs...well there was only the 2 of them. So, doesnt feel that impressive. But nonetheless, the view during training was simply to die for. Truth be told, i cant wait for the next training. Hopefully...just hopefully the rest of the team comes down...yeah

i feel like writing something. But i just cant seem to know what i want to write about. Well, as you can see now, im writing about not knowing what to write about. I guess people have the same tendencies too sometimes: wanting to say something but not knowing just what to say. All i know that ahead of me, is a mountain of work that needs to be done. I must be getting burnt out that's why im...urm...rather weird lately. Its like nothing that i write would make any significant impact on anyone. Does it? Last 2 entries were just lyrics from songs that has been blasting into my ears these past few days.

I just cant seem to feel contented or fulfilled or just about anything of that sort. I guess im kind of numb to my own feelings. Well, tomorrow shall be the first time in a long time that im training with my club again. I've just been caught up with my work plus the school rugby team up to the point that whatever im doing, isnt what i wanted to do. Its as if all sense of direction is lost now. Kind of like being lost at sea with the compass malfunctioning. I know i've got work to do..but i just cant seem to bring myself to concentrate and complete it. Even if i did my work, i just cant seem to concentrate at the task at hand...

Well, just like i said, tmr, rugby training day at the Padang. The feeling im going to get is pain. Yet. Lots and lots of pain. Well at least i'll feel something. Plus, training at the Padang is a lot better then anywhere else. In fact, its the BEST! With a view to die for...literally...who wouldnt want to train there? At the end of training, i think im just going to lie down right smack in the middle of the Padang and have a smoke first before i proceed to showers and all. Yeah...that sounds like a good plan.

To those who think that whatever im writing here is probably extremely trivial...then i guess you're right. Well, to each his own. Days are getting shorter...time flies by sooooooooooo fast. Wish there was actually a glue or something that might hold time back for abit...if only....

Roll with the punches
Because you know that it’s inevitable
Soon to be unforgettable, yet, totally unpredictable
I’m either calling it quits or you’re calling me out
Its not who or what you know because you’re better with nothing at all.

Sing it back to me; this is your life story
You didn’t even know it you’re trying not to blow it
Because you’re kicking back a death wish and here I am just riding out the storm
Believe me when I say that I want to give up
I want to give up but its bad enough to keep me hooked
just to watch you curse my name and toss and turn

Turn around and cross the line you so casually walk between function and fashion
Are you dressed to kill or dressed to impress?
Don’t act like you can do better than this.

Let me see you put your hands upon the stereo
Its spitting out a ridiculous frequency
But turn it up turn it up
Break a sweat
Cause were just burning up and hitting up the scene that was ours to hit up
Take take me out because I'm ready for your best shot
Make make me out to be a bullet from the pulpit
Or anything that would make you believe
All that we've seen would be just another scene
That was our to hit up

Play it back for me, if you feel you've got to
Do you want to call it intuition
Cause after intermission we’ll be flashing the house lights
To let you know that we’re back in action
Simply for your satisfaction

Turn around and cross the line you so casually walk between function and fashion
Are you dressed to kill or dressed to impress?
Don’t act like you can do better than this

Turn around and cross the line you so casually walk between function and fashion
Are you dressed to kill or dressed to impress?
Don’t act like you can do better than this

Let me see you put your hands upon the stereo
Its spitting out a ridiculous frequency
But turn it up turn it up
Break a sweat
Cause were just burning up and hitting up the scene that was ours to hit up
Take take me out because I'm ready for your best shot
Make make me out to be a bullet from the pulpit
Or anything that would make you believe
All that we've seen would be just another scene
That was our to hit up

Roll with the punches
Because you know that it’s inevitable
Soon to be unforgettable, we're either calling it quits or you’re calling me out
Its not who or what you know because you’re better with nothing at all.

Roll with the punches
(you’re better with nothing at all.)
Roll with the punches

Let me see you put your hands upon the stereo
Its spitting out a ridiculous frequency
But turn it up turn it up
Break a sweat
Cause were just burning up and hitting up the scene that was ours to hit up

Take take me out because I'm ready for your best shot
Make make me out to be a bullet from the pulpit
Or anything that would make you believe
All that we've seen would be just another scene
That was our to hit up

yeah....

never had i ever thought it had turned out this way...but it did. each time i tried to make it work, u wouldnt accept it. i think i just cant make you happy like how you want it to be. i just cant make you happy without even having to try. it takes effort. it takes energy. it takes time. all of which are luxuries that i couldnt afford.

maybe...there is someone who can make you happy without even having to try. i thought i was that person. i've failed...miserably....hate me if you will. im just not worth it anymore.

Everybody has got a theme song before they do anything. Currently, this is THE song that i have to listen to when im about to set off on my bike. Here we go........

Ladies and Gentleman open up your eyes and ears and listen up! Listen up!
Calling all cars! Calling all cars! Calling all cars!
Let’s put an end to the Charade.
Show me what you’re living for.
You think it’s obvious, you’re so obvious.
I spit my teeth out on the floor.
Don’t tell me, I don’t want to know!

I breath revenge tonight. It never tasted to sweet.
And baby, if I choke things down for a second
then maybe I can starve this tragedy.
Don’t tell me, I don’t want to know!

So get your story straight
I can think of one reason for you to call home tonight
If I had my way you would find out the hard way
Causing trouble is my business and the business is good
So now I’m calling all cars! Calling all cars! Calling all cars!
It’s time to show you my battle scars.
And let you know that I’ll be coming back for more

I breath revenge tonight. It never tasted to sweet.
And baby, if I choke things down for a second
then maybe I can starve this tragedy.
Don’t tell me, I don’t want to know! [x2]

I’ll let you know that I’ll be coming back for more
It’s too late for me, Kid
These words are too true
When your heart beats only lies, you’re dead inside

And god forbid when you find yourself off and remembering on
And god forbid when you can’t find the switch in the words
To a song but it’s too late to see me though, Kid

I breath revenge tonight. It never tasted to sweet.
And baby, if I choke things down for a second
then maybe I can starve this tragedy.
Don’t tell me, I don’t want to know! [x2]

Everything around me seems very mellow. I feel rather at ease nowadays. Its hard to get that and even harder to explain that. Hehs. But its like remembering the times you get to play in the rain as a child. No worries, no commitment...you just do what you do-doing all that you can do without a care in the world. I reminisce and long for that feeling. But it's ever fleeting. And the sad part is, whatever we've missed, isn't going to come back again, ever.

I guess i've been sacrificing too much. I think god has made me to be sacrificing...as in my happiness for theirs. Well, not so much of my happiness. But sometimes i feel that god has made me in a way that i get happy when others are happy. At first, i don't get it. But now, i am beginning to see why. It's not that god does not want me to be happy. In fact, i think i am much happier this way. I've always thought of doing something for 2 good reasons: (1) so that others dont have to (2) because i think i am more competent than others to do it.And no, i am not being arrogant or trying to be noble or anything. But guess that is how i was meant to exist in this world.

I guess if that is what i was meant to do, might as well do it with a rifle. Keeping the peace on this wretched world with a little bit of force works. After all, nowhere on this world is peace not founded on the basis of struggle(s). In fact, to create cheese, there is a struggle to coagulate milk so much so that the end product becomes a treat for others.

While memories of happiness fleets away, i look forward to greatness in life. After all, greatness, no matter how brief, lies in the hearts of men for the rest of their lives. I shall not falter

I have a test in 20 mins time and i cant believe that im doing this: writing my thoughts out. Well, only part of my thoughts. I just dont have the mood/motivation/inspiration or whatever it is that im supposed to have for school or this test for that matter. Maybe i have lost abit of zest to mylife? One thing's for sure, the space that i have is good for me now.

Sometimes, i do wish that i was deployed somewhere foreign and godforsaken so that i do not actually mess up the lives of others. People would be happier i think. There will be no disruption to anything. And i would be doing what i do best, helping those who actually need my help. Sure i'd be fighting a war or something like that, but at least, i would know why im doing it, what im doing it for and for whom. There will be no clear sides. The only side that i'd have is the clear conscience that i would so dearly pray for.

To many, this seems the life of a terrible fantasy. Morbid if you would call it. But like i said, i'd be doing what i was meant to do. That is what i feel god wants me to do at least. No...god has not spoken to me. After all, when one is speaking to god, it is called a prayer. But when god is speaking to men, you call the person a lunatic. But signs have showed me that way...it has directed me towards that direction. Till this day, i would rather have that than this. No trouble for anyone...well actually everyone. And even if i do not get to see my parents or my siblings, i reckon i would still be able to send money to them regularly...hoping that they would be able to enjoy a much comfortable lifestyle.

I dont know...my mind is a whirlpool right now. well, maybe a mini one or a lazy one because it is spinning so slowly, that you wouldnt need a pool to begin with. Well, one thing is for sure, i'd still have my rugby. But even that is a feat for me now. I have yet to go to the doctor to see what's really wrong with my collarbone. I pray that it isnt fractured but merely a bruised bone that will heal naturally within the week.

I talk to much. I talk to much about myself. Nobody needs to know about this. That is what i feel at least.....

I have been weighed, i have been measured and i have been found been wanting. That is what i felt about myself after the final game today. I can bet that is what others felt about me after the final game today too. I disappointed my team mates. They didn't have to say it. I could feel it. All the mistakes that the team made, it started from me. And mistakes that i've made are not easily coverable by others because the mistakes are indeed extremely grave.

It was indeed a quicksand out there. One mistake led to another. The more i try to right it, the more mistakes i made. The more i struggle, the faster i'd sink. Then after the final whistle was blown, i found myself drowned...overwhelmed with disappointment that i cannot shake off...still.

Its like reaching for another piece of rock while rock climbing. You know you can reach for that piece, if you only dare to jump and let go all other pieces just so that for the vital piece of rock...the final one before i can reach my goals. But i froze. I hesitated. And i lost all footing. and so i fall...

Im starting my climb all over again. This time around i shall persevere. I know what i told someone as to why i felt extremely dissapointed. But i shall not have that fucked up attitude again. This time, everything is FTW!

I cannot help but feel excited about today(and tomorrow). This is the weekend that i've been looking forward to since June. Been working my butt of for this so i shall not screw up. ZERO ERRORS!

A friend recently told me that in order for me to succeed, i have to visualize all the big hits that im going to be making. After all, nobody remembers who scores the most tries in the game. All that will forever be etched in their minds would be who hits the hardest! Im going to be that guy. Ever since i've met that friend of mine, every game that i play has the same goal: Send at least one guy to the hospital in an ambulance. No remorse! Yeah. It keeps me going. So far, there's been a lot of "almost". This weekend, i shall succeed.

Other than that, of course there are many other things that i have to accomplish. 3 tries at least for the entire tournament. No ball drops. NO MISSED TACKLES! Lastly, TALK ALL THE WHILE THROUGHOUT THE GAME! Yep! I think i've covered them all. Whatever i've missed will surely be covered by beloved team-mates with their awesome vocabulary. I will triumph!

As Sun Tzu said, "in order to triumph, one has to struggle". I've been struggling all my life. Rugby wise, i've been with underdogs throughout. Im at the bottom. The only way to go is up. Today, i'll rise!

As everyone drifts away for a night of fun and games after training, i sit alone contemplating about the work that needs to be done. And i sigh...heavily...

Sighing comes from me not being able to put my best during the training when everyone was down. Perhaps they've limited and underestimated my abilities? Perhaps i am too kanchiong? Perhaps there is just too many things on my mind that is distracting me from the task at hand? Well, i hope to clear all doubts out about myself and others around me from my mind and concentrate on nothing but rugby for this weekend.

Screwing up is the last thing anyone wants to be doing this weekend. Currently, i am extremely inconsistent with my play and my abilities. No one else but only me has the ability to fluctuate my performance between awesomeness and sucky-ness in mere moments. Inconsistency seems to be my greatest fear and so i worry...

Guess the greatest fear anyone can face would be a quicksand. Like in a match, if i've committed a mistake, i will quickly try to rectify the problem. However, the more i try to solve it, the deeper i'll sink. And eventually, i'll drown. That is what im feeling about EVERTYHING now. Its a sinking feeling, but if i struggle, i'll just drown. I shall just let everything pass and hopefully salvation will come to me soon enough.

My prayers are going out as hard as ever. God help me now.