I have a test in 20 mins time and i cant believe that im doing this: writing my thoughts out. Well, only part of my thoughts. I just dont have the mood/motivation/inspiration or whatever it is that im supposed to have for school or this test for that matter. Maybe i have lost abit of zest to mylife? One thing's for sure, the space that i have is good for me now.

Sometimes, i do wish that i was deployed somewhere foreign and godforsaken so that i do not actually mess up the lives of others. People would be happier i think. There will be no disruption to anything. And i would be doing what i do best, helping those who actually need my help. Sure i'd be fighting a war or something like that, but at least, i would know why im doing it, what im doing it for and for whom. There will be no clear sides. The only side that i'd have is the clear conscience that i would so dearly pray for.

To many, this seems the life of a terrible fantasy. Morbid if you would call it. But like i said, i'd be doing what i was meant to do. That is what i feel god wants me to do at least. No...god has not spoken to me. After all, when one is speaking to god, it is called a prayer. But when god is speaking to men, you call the person a lunatic. But signs have showed me that way...it has directed me towards that direction. Till this day, i would rather have that than this. No trouble for anyone...well actually everyone. And even if i do not get to see my parents or my siblings, i reckon i would still be able to send money to them regularly...hoping that they would be able to enjoy a much comfortable lifestyle.

I dont know...my mind is a whirlpool right now. well, maybe a mini one or a lazy one because it is spinning so slowly, that you wouldnt need a pool to begin with. Well, one thing is for sure, i'd still have my rugby. But even that is a feat for me now. I have yet to go to the doctor to see what's really wrong with my collarbone. I pray that it isnt fractured but merely a bruised bone that will heal naturally within the week.

I talk to much. I talk to much about myself. Nobody needs to know about this. That is what i feel at least.....