My sacrifice..

You haven't really served your national service if you do not know what charlie mike means.

But none of them will ever love you the way I do It's me and you

Watching the Toy Story trilogy once over again reminds me of the time that has passed and how fast it has passed. I remember first watching it at the movies in 1995. I was only 8 then. It was one of those rare moments when my dad finally relented to the pestering of his three sons to bring them to the movies. Indeed, this is something I grew up to. The familiarity of Randy Newman's "You've got a friend in me" will stick with me through the years that is going to come; that along with Woody, Buzz Lightyear, Rex and the others.

I guess it's familiarity that brings us through our lives. It is the unknown that scares us the most even though we have no clue what it might do to us. Who knows, it might actually benefit us a whole lot more than the familiar. Which kind of showed throughout the trilogy- changes are constantly happening. It is only with change that we can grow. Sometimes we reminisce about the familiar. Memories of that will forever be by us. Changes will come by hard and fast. That's why I never really do care about the future. I mean I do plan, but not in the sense that I'd forsake what my present presents me.

Bask in the moments that you are in- be it in joy or in hardships. Life is meant to be lived once so be prudent about life's choices. That's what I've learnt from a cartoon. I guess, my mom's wrong about cartoon then- I do learn things.

I miss being a kid.

So fucking blow those words out the back of your head

It has been quite awhile since I am back in green. Long story short, it's taking quite a bit of effort to get used to it. The transition has only been made easy in the company of heroes. Even though it sounds as if I am exaggerating, each and every one of the sergeants in my company are indeed heroes. Even though our actions never get published, never get any attention or any recognition for that matter, it is through all those acts do everyone we care about sleep peaceably.

With me as an exception, nobody ever thought that being a soldier could possibly be a highlight of their lives. But we do pay the price. Injuries and illnesses are evidence of what we have sacrificed not for this country but for our love ones. They say that every military man who contribute will receive some sort of a burden after the leave the military. The greater the contribution, the greater the burden. Sadly, my company contributed the most and hence the price to pay has been great. So far, 2 of my men has already passed away ever since 2008. One was very hardworking, the other...well, he was hardworking in his own way.

I guess what makes the unit, or rather the company, are none other than the ones that have chevrons sewn on their sleeves. Till this day, what they have did over the period of 2 years still amazes me. What I did in those two years would put my current self to shame. Unfortunately, the uniform that I was issued in 2006 can barely fit. Thankfully, we are getting new ones soon. Hopefully, I'd get back to the shape I was in 5 years ago. Regrettably, I can only do so much with this knee. But we can only strive.

The past 2 days have proven to be something that each of us cherished- camaraderie. We have always had this bond since back in those days as our we all shared a common hatred- our superiors. Thankfully, that has carried us on smoothly into the current phase- it was as if we had never parted. I guess this is one of the reasons why I choose to stay in hall despite the fact that I stay only 10 minutes away from campus. Truth be told, I did have trouble sleeping on the night I ORD as for the first time in 2 years, I was sleeping all alone in my room. Well, one can never find the bond anywhere else in life other than the ones that you've build in those 2 years. Come tomorrow, all the time to catch up will be replaced by the millions of activities that we have to carry out. For me, the next two weeks will only mean 3 maybe 4 hours of sleep a night.

Well, here goes nothing...

and when I day dream, we're eating ice-cream

...Just smile and waves boys, just smile and wave...

Guess we made this far guess we're doing alright

The long weekend proved to be sort of refreshing for me. The 1 Star Kayaking course proved to be a change of pace for me. Well, it was something that I have wanted to do for quite sometime anyway. But as usual, there's always things that prevented me from doing so; nonetheless, coming up with excuses is rather tiring so after searching high and low for such a course, I found it, got some friends(who incidentally were also planning to do such a thing) to go with me. A darker shade later, I am now looking to do something else. Perhaps, with all that I learn, I will be Captain Awesome to my kids in the future.

But after Saturday's session, I really had to push myself to go for a game. The fact that we were playing the old birds from ASCi did not help at all. But what I saw upon arrival was really disappointing- incompetence in most of the players. But that is only unavoidable since most of them are new and they really look like they did not know how to play at all. Despite my constant screaming at them, they seem to be playing their own game- even screaming to a wall would yield better results than them because at least walls have echoes. That said, I managed to convey the message to the convener about me wanting to try out my luck at another club. I guess it is time for me to move. I have been with them since 2008. That's about 3 seasons with them.

It started out with bumping into an old coach at the gym who asked me to go along. I had only recently ORD-ed and my juniors have been egging me to go. So despite not having played any rugby for my 2 years in the army, I soon found myself travelling towards city hall to what I will still know as the greatest training ground ever- The Padang. Whats there not to like? The constant flow of curious onlookers proved to be some sort of a motivation for attention loving people like me. The night sky was brightly lit with neon lights from the CBD. The facilities were simply fantastic! But the best part of it all was the team- old coaches, old teammates (from school all the way to the national team) and of course future schoolmates and team mates (then in 2008).

Moving to another club does make me feel like I am betraying them. But I am getting old and I still need to feel like I am actually doing something there. One of the things that's on my bucket list is to actually play a televised rugby match. I will definitely retire after that with no regrets. Besides, there are simply too many memories with that club- some of which can make me feel rather melancholic. While all this might seem trivial to many, it is quite a big deal for me. Just like your trivial fascination with, I don't know, computer games? So yes, I do not know what the future holds for me but I am going into this with an open mind and an open heart. After all, that is the best way to survive anything and everything.

That said, guess life is really taking a different shape from what it was when I started university. It's about 6 more months till I actually graduate. I still dare to say that I am actually the first in the entire extended family to graduate (not counting the in-laws of course. But even so, the count remains at 1). But I am not to sure about what I want to be doing after I graduate. I do however know what I do not want to do so I guess that I have actually taken the first step. Now I have to translate that into a plan that might actually work! We will see how that works. Who knows, I might actually take up a masters instead. I'll be at the same school anyway except that this time around, it will be something that I actually wanted to study. Well, life beholds all things that even I cannot imagine at times. Open hearts and open minds it is then!

(insert samurai maxim here)

Take me by the tongue and I'll know you

It's almost the end of the semester and I am still not worried about the exams. It is my final year and as much as I hate for it all to end, I can't wait either. I guess it's a mixed feeling kind of thing. There has never been an instance where I had taken a break from everything and do whatever I want without having to worry about absolutely anything at all. By never, I really, literally not figuratively, mean never. Well, maybe almost never since I didn't have to worry about anything after my PSLE. Not even screwed up aggregates but who cares? I am where I am now no?

Well, with that exception, the only other time that I went on a holiday with my family was in 2010. Suffice to say, it was the wrong place to be with them as all my parents wanted to do was to nuah in the hotel room. Well, I could probably list out a whole lot of places that I have never been to but to list the place that I have actually been to would be so much easier since that list is ridiculously short.

Vacations aside, not a day goes by without me not having to worry about anything. Sometimes, I just feel like I am actually in over my head in all things- or drowning if you like. To make matters worse, it's not exactly drowning in water but in quicksand- the more I struggle, the more I sink. I was actually toying with the idea of taking a year off of school. But then, I was worried about getting a job and all that nonsense that I simply put it off. Nobody has a clue as to how tired I really am. But to just swing my arms in exasperation in "fuck this shit" style is simply not doing justice to myself. When forced to choose between fight or flight, 11 out of 10 times I would choose the former. And no, there is nothing wrong with the previous statement.

What I really crave for is a simply life out in the wilderness. On my many rides, I was actually thinking of actually staying with a nomadic tribe somewhere in some desert where my only concern is my own survival. It seems to me right now that I'd be better off in the Sahara than any other desert or perhaps just somewhere in the middle east because those people seems to have gotten their shit together. Language wise would be tough. Arabic is kind of hard for me. Trying to speak that language would really make me look like I've just escaped from some institution for the mentally retarded. As for French, which is commonly used in North Africa, well it's not any better; or worse for that matter. The only French I know is "salut" for hello, "au revoir" for goodbye, "poulet" for chicken and well...I know the French for "fucking shit".

Well, whatever the case, I seriously need a break. It's just been one thing after another. I haven't actually have the time to enjoy whatever I want to for various reasons. Well, having tons of money right now would really be great. I mean whoever said that money can't buy you happiness is probably some lonely rich old fag who doesn't know how to share.

Is that prove that love's not only blind but deaf

Last night got me reminded of this phrase that got conjured up in my sleep. It got to me enough for me to wake up immediately and recorded it down in my phone. Although my phone has been restored since (hence resulting me in losing all important information), I was lucky enough to have recorded it elsewhere.

We will always treasure the representatives of how each friendship begins and how it ensues. We will forever think about the friendships forged and when we think about what it was like before they were forged, we cringe.



The truth is, bridges will always be burnt. What matters is how it burnt; there are many variations to what caused it or what didn't. In fact, it also quite matter if we did anything about it- or the lack of it for that matter. So I have concluded that there are 3 things that will cause the burning of bridges: Time, Space and Effort. Out of the 3, time and space are the most objective value that we can actually control while effort is very subjective. Like houses, we tend to sell ourselves more than how others value us. Them manically depressed usually choose to go for the reverse but most of us are usually on the positive side of things.

We will always disappoint people in whatever we do. The only thing that we can do is not to keep disappoint the wrong ones. 

Your Ego's writing checks your Body can't cash

I got up and made my way to the door
and I dropped my conscience on the way out
I turned and I looked back down on the floor
But my conscience wasn't there anymore

So then I got to thinking...
Was it there in the first place?
Can you read it on my face?
Cause I just don't care anymore
And I just don't give a damn anymore

Why just take tonight?
Can we try to keep on riding through these?
To light our way through the night
just to see what we find

Told everyone I would try to get by
but I felt like I was wasting my time
I found my way this time.
So why should I try
To stay grounded when my head's in the sky

Then I got to thinking...
Will they miss me when i'm gone?
Will they leave the porch light on?
If I can't find home anymore
Or will I not have a home anymore?

Why just take tonight?
Can we try to keep on riding through these?
To light our way through the night
just to see what we find

When we go,
We'll just live our lives by rocky roads
And our eyes got to second place brides?
Cause I'm feeling lucky tonight?

And I'll just stick stick stick to the things I know
If you'll just quit quit quit quit buggin' me about it baby

And you'll tell me that i'm missing out
Cause I don't give a damn anymore

Its the last night in my body..

After going through lectures in crisis stress management I am pretty much convinced that I am pretty much fucked up inside-out. Though it might not seem much to others, trivial even, I haven't been given the opportunity to "recover" from any of my "crisis". All I get when I try to open up is rejection. Case in point- 2 break ups in the span of 2 years. One is already a mother to be while the other...well...I have no idea about the other. I guess things a better for them this way.

Having parents which are virtually unsupportive of the things that I do doesn't help. Not that I am being petty but I suppose it is pretty much justifiable to say that I am truly disappointed that they have never attended a single match in my life before, especially when I am playing in the finals. It might not seem much to many but having your folks, the people you really want to impress, being there to support their child in what seems like the scariest moment of his life does provide a dynamic range of comfort to him. So far, I have only won 1 out of 3 finals. In 2001, they were too busy to be there. This was an exception to my brothers whom have so far quit on what they (being my parents) thought they were good at. Sure the now-fatass brother was a good runner. But it doesn't seem ridiculous that they actually attended him running a cross country race at McRitchie- intra-school style. As for the young brat who gets everything that he wants, they were simply there even for his training sessions for silat. For me, I have met stiff resistance in rugby. They even refused to buy me boots. After much pestering, I paid half the price for the pair of boots which lasted me for 3 good years. For someone who receives very little allowance as a teenager, that is in fact a feat. After that, it was just me getting what I need to service my passion.

Losing a match is a big deal- because it was the fucking finals! Yet, they never seem to care much even if I won. Being 14 and winning a medal means a lot to any kid. But to come home all smiles and receive just an "ok" after showing it off is devastating for any kid. At 18, i couldnt give a fuck about how they were to respond to my lost because they never did know that I lost the finals- they never even knew I was at a match. I had given up all hopes of them ever supporting me there. Even trials for the national team were met with stiff resistance. It got even stiffer when I chose national rugby over national silat because it was a "disappointing" decision that I have made.

So...long story short, basically everything is kept inside. But one fine day, all this steam is just going to burst and shoot through the heavens even stronger than when the people of pompeii suffered what is now know in history as the biggest fuck ups that any civilization has ever faced. Life after that is simply a series of rolling punches. 2 break ups because I was simply not supposed to show my resentment to anything is enough of an evidence.

because if you care enough about someone, you'd drop everything at the moment when they need someone the most

On with the show..

Being awake at 1am doing school work when I have to be at the office before 8 in the morning kinda pushes things. But it'll have to do right now. Balancing things out is kind of hard especially when you're in between a rock and a hard place. Thankfully, I enjoy what I am doing now. Not sure if my body agrees with me.

So the verdict is out- for the umpteenth time, the SAF has rejected me again. Apparently, I do not qualify as an officer on levels that I do not know of. I've been talking to a lot of people and they generally agree with me. After all, how hard is it to be an infantry officer? I mean, I enjoy having chevrons on my shoulders. It bears just as much responsibility as bars do. But the level of contribution that I can make, or the weight of my words, varies by a lot as having bars means there's a lot more weight to it than having chevrons. Honestly, I think I can just be as committed by having chevrons. But I stand to lose a lot seeing how I'll be graduating with honors this coming June. I do not see why they are unable to look past one fuckup that I have committed during my two years. I mean, if you were to ask me if I regretted it then honestly no. Things turned out to be just as great for me then. But if you were to ask me if things could be better then yes! Things can always be better. That's how I feel about everything. I guess that explains my demanding nature- things can always be better.

That trait however borders on the feeding of greed and gluttony. Even though it does lean towards the positive side at times, there's always a dark side to everything. For me, it's more than just my skin tone- I have the ability and competency to fuck things up very well in an instance for anything and anyone other than myself. I guess that explanation for my dark side should suffice for now.

Putting things into perspective- especially chronologically as well as logically- is one of the biggest trait that I have. Time is everything to me because it runs out immediately. But over the past few weeks, I have been able to sort information out through presumptions and memory. Yes, my memory functions extremely well in conditions that I do not need it to be. It usually fails when I need it the most. But I have finally figured things out and realize that it was right of me to be suspicious there and then. It's not that I do not trust but simply wasn't given enough of a reason to do so. I admit it, it does take a lot for me to trust someone. For those who enjoy my complete and utter trust it is because I know that you are competent enough to sustain yourself without me having to intervene. Independence is a really big turn on for me. Without it, you are just another dependent and henceforth my trust falters.

It's kind of like how I am right now. I do not trust my instincts or gut feelings as well as I used to. I used to be an ace at assessing situations or appreciation of situations by merely basing it on gut feelings. I didn't need a map to lead an entire unit of men towards the objectives. I simply relied on my gut. True that such a thing are ever so doubtful so I went on ahead and proved to everyone that it does work after all. But as of this moment, education as well as further interaction has eroded that trust in my guts. However, that does have it's perks as besides having my eyes as well as my heart opened wider now, I usually end up with a better deal. I guess that's how the past 3 or so years have benefited me. Now all I have to do is to pay it forward, just like I always like to.

But to trust you must confess- not just through your words but through your actions as well. If what you say about what you do and about when you do it does not contradict each other, there is no room for distrust. Alas, what you say, what you do and what you say about what you do are totally different things. Pattern does help a lot. Human beings are creatures of habit after all. The one habit that I picked up in 2006 is still being sustained by this fact. The reverse could be a habit as well but only with a given reason. It just so typical of me to be doing something for someone. I do realize that if I were to be doing something for myself would have a far greater impact but it's simply in my nature to be in service of others. Sometimes, it does border on the effect of being a monkey wrench. Having people other than myself to keep that in check for me really helps. But people can only be around for so long. Eventually, everyone fades away- if it's not to death, there will always be something. The top of that "something" list would be Murphy's Law.

It's really getting late now and I really need to get to bed. But, I somehow can shake this feeling that time is passing by ever so quicker as I age. That feeling is somehow agitating me.

you stole my heart but I had it first

Today's opportunity was definitely mine to lose. If I had the opportunity to do it all over again, I would do it very differently. I guess this happens when I over-think things. Then again, I really do not mind the opportunity to serve in the Special Forces community as a sergeant. Given that I would now be a Staff Sergeant by now if I had signed that paper 5 years ago (and a Warrant Officer before I am 28), I guess if I do take up that scheme, would give me a comfortable life. But on top of that, there is much pride in being among the elites. But given the choice, I would definitely strive to being an officer because I strongly believe that I would be able to contribute more effectively as one.

If given the chance again, this is how I would have done the interview...


So tell me something about yourself.
.....................................................................

Tell me something about your army life...your time as an NSF..
.......................................


Why do you want to join us?
Have you ever heard of this phrase, "Never dress up how you like to work but rather dress up to the work that you like?" Well, this is one of the biggest reason. Not a day goes by without me itching to put on the uniform again. Besides the fact that I look really good in green, I feel an immense side of pride whenever I don green. The organization has given me nothing but a sense of purpose and direction in my life.

On top of that, I would certainly have a say in Singapore's defence and deterrence policy. Many do not realize that it is because of a strong organization as this that Singapore is able to function the way it does. Many of those whom I know in the Police or the Civil defence claim that my time spent in this organization is a big waste because I am merely "running around in the jungle playing war" while they deal with real life. I do not blame them for such short sightedness as they have been living the life of comfort while we provide them with a strong sense of security by "running around in the jungle playing war". If it wasn't for us, the country would have long been overrun. Without us, there is not Home Affairs for them to deal with. It is sad for them to think in such a way and think that they actually play a big role in creating, maintaining and sustaining what is Singapore when they actually don't. But we do.

That said, one more reason for me to join is so that I have an actual say in the defences of Singapore. Knowing that what I do is what keeps my love ones safe, that is one of the biggest satisfaction that I can get from this job. I do this so that others don't. I do this so that people can sleep peaceably at night while rough men like me, stand ready to do violence on their behalf.




What did your family say to your decision of wanting to join us.
I say that they are happy for me and am actually proud that I want to do this. It has indeed been a life long dream for me. Something that I dreamt about doing ever since I was a child.


What if you don't get it. What would you do?
Granted that there are other jobs waiting for me out there but the satisfaction as well as the fulfillment that they would give me simply couldn't match up to the one that this job would give me. I have indeed asked myself this question many times over. Truthfully, I do not want to really think what I would do if I do not get this job. However, what I have done is to prepare a contingency plan. I am 100% committed into taking this job and all I ask for is for you to give me the opportunity for me to prove to you that I am all that that you will never regret on selecting. Ever.

From here on, he goes on to tell me about the things that I will have to do...


So there you go, if I could travel back in time, I would certainly prepare myself to answer these questions and impress him. Alas, the moment is gone...all I have to do now is to pray that I get to the next round.

*Don't want to get into trouble. So if you missed out the first 2 parts..it's just too bad*

Sometimes..

Sometimes...when you cry...no one sees your tears

Sometimes...when you are worried...no one sees your pain

Sometimes...when you are happy...no one sees your smile













But fart just one time.......

Anticipation has a habit to set you up for disappoint

How I am is akin to how a duck swims. Everything looks very calm on the surface...try looking under the water.

So I will run...until my feet don't touch the ground...

Yesterday was probably one of the best days of my life. Officially, I am not longer a patient of NUH as my physiotherapist released me from further rehabilitation sessions. Finally! It's been 6 months since my knee was operated and for the last couple of months, being able to even walk again is indeed a blessing. 6 months ago, even being able to bend my knee was a challenge. Walking was an impossible feat which I achieved within 2 weeks of the operation. Being able to ride again took just as long. In fact, I was able to ride again while still wearing the leg brace! It's just like learning how to fly before you even know how to walk.

It's also been 9 months since I last played any rugby. 31st January 2011 was the last time I played the beautiful game (soccer is just a copy of it) and the urge to play again, to be fully part of a team again, is as strong as ever. In fact, it has never waned. On the day of the injury itself, the physio on site was bombarded with questions like "How long will I take to recover?" or "Will I be able to play as usual again?" and also "Is there a faster way to recover?". Each time I asked such a question, he will only tell me to take it easy. This sentiment was shared by many people. My imagination got the better of me as I actually googled for the possibility of a leg transplant (healthy ones of course) or even a bio-mechanical pair. Childish and nonsensical I know.

This probably explains why I am so pumped up about this Saturday. If I do actually play instead of just being at the sidelines, it will only mean that I have never missed a 7s competition in my life! The first time I played such a format was in secondary school. In JC, we got to play at the SCC side of the Padang. I nearly scored against RJC in that if not for my generous mood of wanting to let someone else score after I broke through their defenses through sheer individual footwork. I played 7s during the fasting month of 2008, reached the finals the year after and completely washed out last year. This year, shall be different. I am playing for the 2nd team now. But it's alright since I am just coming back from a career ending injury. Thankfully, with the marvels of modern healthcare, I am able to go back to playing.

I can't however say that I am back to full strength. Gone are the days where I can do a 200lb single leg press or 10 full single leg squats or kick someone across the match ring with any style of kick- be it a round horse kick, back kick, front kick or side kick. But I'll get there. I'll get back to the point that I can sidestep an entire team of ugly hungry-looking rugby players (I despise the term ruggers) or clock 23secs++ for my 200m sprint. Soon, i'll be able to clock a sub 8mins timing for my SOC again. Running fast has always been an integral part of me. I wasn't born fast, but for the past 15 years of my life, I've been training to being able to do so.

And so...I will run until my feet don't touch the ground.

I am so fucking sick and tired of everything- including being fucking sick and tired.

another turning point a fork stuck in the road

Once again, another chapter of my life closes. 2011, which I originally thought was going to be a good year is only proving itself it the form of tires. Other than that, things are what it is and what it is going to be.

Yesterday was the last time I saw my KR150. It's kinda sad knowing how this bike has served me well. Yet, all good things have to come to an end. It saw me through one relationship. Had my first pillion on the first day I got my bike- even had to ride through heavy traffic on that same day with a pillion. Proved to be a great companion for all those night rides when that relationship ended. Got my first accident on that bike which led to me spending the morning of National Day 2008 in the hospital. It basically gave me a pair of legs which are long enough for me to go anywhere at anytime.

Finally, FT8938R is off to it's final resting place. I guess, that event is the manifestation of things changing for me- of another chapter closing while another one begins. Things are never meant to last forever. Not even love. But if you can find someplace where love is eternal, then you are either dead or you are really lucky. But if you don't believe in luck, you could very well believe in death. If that sentence is confusing, all I am saying is that that love is going to last even through death.

Since I am not making any more sense right now, I shall end it off with my trademark quotes.

If you like someone, say it. Don't spend your time fantasizing about something that could be reality.

so tell me...how it ends...

Time check: 0238hrs. I am supposed to be asleep right now but my brain decided that it needs to devour some sort of information before it can rest. So here I am writing and reading about public policy at the same time.

Hari Raya is one of the most awkward days for me. It's supposed to be a day of celebration (after a month of fasting) as well as forgiveness(or rather, the seeking of it). For me, the moment that I get to do whatever the hell I want when the sun is still up is enough of a celebration. For the forgiveness part, I still find it very awkward since I am asking for forgiveness from relatives of which I have never met before in my life(or I don't remember as claimed by my parents) or I have not done anything wrong to them. Some might take the latter wrongly because all to often, people think that I have always wronged them even though I feel I haven't. Maybe I have...well according to them anyway.

The only thing that I can bring with me with each year of celebrations is that how old everyone is getting. My parents as well as their siblings look really old. My parents look really tired lately. Dad looked especially tired today and even though he did just pull a night shift doesn't help to explain much. What I do take from their shagged faces is that they are getting tired taking care of me and my brothers. Trust me, nurturing three boys is such a handful especially when you have siblings like mine around. My elder brother is short of medical retardness while my younger brother is nothing short of pure demanding. Everything he wants he gets. As for me, I am nothing short of a magic act- always disappearing.In fact, that magic act took its height in 2006 as I was in Taiwan for Hari Raya that year. I can still remember how my mom made me cry over the phone as I wished her Selamat Hari Raya over the phone. It was her fault since she started crying first. I guess she really has a strong character in a sense that she tries to hide her emotions. The fact that she does it so well can only show how strong she is. So, that year, despite trying to hide from me the fact that she misses me really badly, she failed. Well, everyone has the right to fail sometimes. I guess, the I have inherited that from her- hiding of emotions. It does get me from point A to point B pretty efficiently sometimes.

I still cannot get over the fact how old everyone is getting. My parents are already past their 50s. I remember about 10 years ago, I never wanted that to happen. My dad's side has never really made it through to their 60s so naturally, I am worried too. Who wouldn't be right? I just pray to god that he doesn't take my parents away before I get the chance to take care of them. They have taken such good care of me that it has come to the point that I just want to tell them to stop doing it. But I guess it's all parental instincts- wanting to take care of their children- acting up.

What my mom said to me, and my brothers a couple of nights ago when we were breaking fast really struck a chord with me. It goes along the line of that it doesn't matter if either she, or dad, doesn't really get to eat much as long as her kids are fully satisfied with what they can provide. It really reaffirms my goal of wanting to take care of them to the grave. And so, I am re-stating this again: once I've saved enough, the first thing I want to do for them is to send them on the Hajj. Never mind if I have to compromise on somethings in order to accomplish that. It is the least I can do. I know my brothers will not be able to fulfill that seeing how my elder brother will probably never be able to earn enough for himself and how my baby brother will never figure out what to do with his life. That shall go into my bucket list. Wait! It already is...

Nobody is really afraid of dying. They are just afraid that they have not done enough before they die

Maybe I'm your Mr.Right...

I am supposed to be asleep right now thanks to work yet I am still up cramming something that is relatively new to well, NTU really. Plus, I am not as tired as I should be right now. Perhaps it is due to the lack of activity I've had today.

On the bright side, I have managed to narrow down to 2 topics for my Graduation Project. Suffice to say, I am rather psyched about it. Unfortunately, I have only a weekend to teach myself the Sociology of Work. I wonder why the school never saw it as an important topic seeing that majority of us might end up in the private sector presumably in HR or PR.

I guess it pretty much of me wanting to do everything. That kinda landed me the nickname "King" from my team as I practically did everything once I took up captainship of the team. Luckily, things have been pretty good on that side of life because since I became captain we finally managed to win the championship last season. Besides that, this is the first time we actually have enough people to form at least 3 teams of 15s. Let's hope it won't be the typical pattern as the season goes along where numbers actually dwindle as the new boys see that it is actually very very hard to compete for a starting position. It doesn't help that I am now at the bottom rung. I guess it gives me all the more reason to train and leave the captainship nonsense to before and after training.

On the other side of things, while people keep stuff for nostalgia sake, I have my music. Music has also been a huge part of my life. Besides the fact that I can't play the guitar for nuts- save for a few songs- it really affects me in every way. Each song represents a different chapter of my life, each music can be used in different ways. Just before my goddamn injury, I actually used Muse as running music. I guess it's pretty easy as I simply sync my footsteps to the drumbeats. Maybe I should switch to trance/techno for that. That ought to get me really fit real quick.

I guess I really got lucky with the choices of modules I am taking this semester. Besides having a course that teaches me how to argue really well aka fake it till you make it, I am also learning the ropes of civil service as well as how to deal with a crisis. Things couldn't get much more interesting as that. Somehow, I feel that the modules that I have been taking are channeling me into a certain job or a certain role in some organization. It would really help if I was taking them with familiar faces. For the past couple of years, I have been practically drifting from one group of people to another. I guess that helps as I meet a wide range of people from all over the globe. Today, I had a chinaboy asking me if I was in VJC since he found me really familiar. On other instances, I have people coming up to me and ask me where I was. I am pretty much as surprised as they are when I told them that I am really a Singaporean. In fact, sometimes it takes a lot of convincing for them to believe me. Thankfully, they nobody has associated me to some third world country like Indonesia, Malaysia or maybe further up north like Indochina. I never really got a chance to ask them where they thought I was from. Maybe I should mess with people's mind in the future and see where they actually thought I was from. That ought to be fun.

will you still love me tomorrow...

We're going down down...

Today only reaffirmed how shitty things are actually for me. 2011, an odd year, is supposed to be a good one for me. I know it all sounds nonsesical with all my warped up logic but it can be emprically proven.

In 2001, my school actually won the Novice championship. Ok...so it's just the novice championship but nevertheless, for a bunch of guys who have only picked up rugby only the year before and got our asses whooped into super smooth smoothies in 2000, I dare say that we did a pretty decent job. Besides being the ones to dish out the ass-whooping this time around, I was also the top scorer for the team...maybe even for the whole tournament. In the first game of the tournament alone, I scored a total of 32 points in a game where we trashed the opponent 99-0. They closed down the rugby team soon after the tournament ended. 32 points which included 5 tries and 3 conversions. Besides that, I was scoring an average of 2 tries for each game throughout that season. To add on to all that, I even passed all my subjects (the ones that I really care about anyway) without even studying for any of it.

2003 was another year where I managed to do my O levels without studying a single bit. Well, I tried to but till now, my revision for Biology has proved futile as I have managed to cover a grand total of 1 chapter before sitting for the paper itself. To top that, I even managed to complete a game throughout the entire examination period. 2005 was another instance where I managed to pull through without studying too much for it. I was still enjoying my rugby with my club all the way till the weekend just before my first A level paper. And the only reason I stopped was also because it was already the fasting month and I hate waiting for time to break fast after 2 full of hours of ass-whooping/ass-whooped.

Training just now reminded me how I have actually been relegated to nothingness. All those years of hard work gone down the drain in an instance. It literally did. The day before the injury, I was doing 120kg deadlifts as well as 40kg high-pulls. And I do not take the weight of the bar into consideration unlike most pansies who claimed that the weight of the bar matters.

As I was sidelined, I wondered about how different things might have been if it wasn't for the damn injury. This shit is permanent. I am not as fast as I used to be neither am I so quick and domineering on the field as I used to be. For those who might know me well enough, rugby is the thing that matters to me the most. It is the only love of my life that has not failed me...until now. Slowly I am working my way in. Sadly, I am once again the underdog. Then again, it is the underdogs that hungers the most for a fight. That's why going to the gym with the boys is really frustrating as they only know how to complain about how crazy I am with the exercises. I guess, nobody else wants it as much as I do.

Nobody can really understand why it is so hard for me to trust others. After all, to trust is to be vulnerable as well because in order for you to trust, you have to be open as well. But wouldn't it really suck for you to think that you are able to trust someone so much but then once you are all comfy and settled it, you get the rug pulled from underneath you. It is the instance that you are airborne from that sudden force that makes you think why should you really trust anyone anymore. Like the world's greatest band once said, "to trust you must confess". Sadly, it doesn't always work in your favor.

Fuck, nothing has ever worked in my favor before. NOTHING. As far as I am concerned, it has always been the case of ifyouwantitcomeandgetit. True that having enough drive to do something helps but we all do get tired of being the driver sometimes- that's why we take the cab, that's why sometimes, I'd rather become the passenger. But then, we can never truly relax as a passenger if there is no trust in the driver. And that trust goes both ways.

Lately, I can't help but to feel that whatever happened since 2009 is going to happen again. This fuckign sucks because it really took me a very long time to get over it all. True it might seem much to many others. Then again, many others probably do not really give a damn about it all since they have their own shit to settle. After all, whether your a student or a worker, you still have your own problems to worry about- just that shit comes in varying forms.

fuck this shit

When you tell me I'm a wreck

It has come to the point that I feel that nobody really gives a damn about me. Even if they said they do or did, the fact remains that I still feel that they do not REALLY give a damn about me. It just feels that everyday, I am going around trying to make them happy even though more than not, sometimes it causes the opposite reaction when I never had it intended to begin with.

The word "understanding" or "patience" or basically anything along those lines really irks me out now. It feels like the more I adhere to those words the more I am getting trampled on. It really makes me feel like being kind really is a sign of weakness. After all, it's really all the stupid dicks in the world who have been getting things done their way. Life for me has always been one that is reactionary. Most of the time, I am just waiting for things to happen. Then there are other times that I don't even know what has happened.

It really seems like the nicer your try to be to someone the more they try to take advantage of the situation. I guess no one will ever understand that even though I do not show it sometimes or most of time, I do give a damn about you. Make it two, maybe three or more. Bottom line is, I do. Sadly, that sometimes isn't enough for some people especially for those in their selfish pursuits. Well, some might disagree that it is selfish because that can be very subjective as well. At the end of the day, only the highest order can judge us...he did create us all to begin with. Who am I to judge after all right?

Speaking of which, everyone has a past they would want to cover up. That everyone includes me. The reason why they feel that way is because they do not like to feel judge. Hell, who likes to feel that way even if they do that all the time because it might be part of their job or well, simply anything. Sometimes we do share it with those whom we think we can trust or those whom we think won't judge. But then, it's always a human tendency to judge. Always is. Then again, that itself is somewhat a paradox because for thinking that someone might judge us is to be judging them too. So to even bring that part up is really futile because no matter what we do or say, we will always be judge. The only difference is the intensity as well as the angle that we are being judge from.

So yup, that basically sums up what has been happening over the last few days. Even when it seems like I don't, I still give a damn. My actions might not necessarily reflect how I feel. Because for me, I don't practice what I preach because I do not preach what I practice. For me, it's never about show and tell except when it is really necessary. Sometimes, it is about the reaffirmation of somethings that requires you to do something in the full view of that someone you actually give a damn about. But that's not what I am about to do because that's just plain wayang. It is all about the conscience that you have- if you do something you must never expect anything in return. Then again, if something is wanted, not even the heavens or hell should prove to be enough of an obstacle to prevent you from going all out to get it. At the end of the day, what is wanted will be received as long as the heart is clear.

Throw down some smack downs

I believe I have delivered the best analogy ever this morning during class. Analogies being analogies, they have to be anal to deliver the point. Well, I'm not really sure what made me say it but me saying "After you shit, do you use clean toilet paper or toilet paper that already has shit on it?" surely delivered the effect desired.

What a way to open up on things especially when I have been away for a month. I guess it has been sort of a drought for me as whatever comes to mind usually comes in the form of angst. So, in the spirit of "If-you-have-nothing-good-to-say-then-you-better-not-say-it", it all usually disappears through, well, abuse really. Hours of gym, a lot of running- physical pain really. After all that, nothing really matters. Aside from the immense satisfaction that I get after hours of "abuse" (mainly because of the shitloads of endorphins being produced by my body), being able to manifest pain in any form into a physical one actually helps because you know how to actually deal with it. This is actually why people slit their wrist. Those who jump down from tall buildings actually had skydiving in their bucket list but couldn't afford to do it properly so it's really a might-as-well kind of thing.

"I hope you understand" has become sort of overrated for me. Sometimes I wish I really wasn't that understanding really. But I guess this selflessness is innate. Well, not really innate but inculcated into me by years and years of training. Yup..training- not education, not socialization, not because of the way my parents brought me up. I am talking about being taught every single way to fight since I was young. While muscle memory has faded, my mind is still well attuned to perform those awesome moves that you can see in the movies. The only difference is because my body is not used to it, I tend to do it a lot slower...so slow that you would probably be done with lunch by the time I have executed a move. Any move.

Back from digressing, so yup. That's what I get from everyone day in day out. Sometimes, I wonder why I bother. Being captain doesn't explain it because I have always been for the team. In fact, I need a lot of good reasons for me to skip training. It has always been team first. Well, it used to be mission first...god I miss "mission first". Perhaps it's due to my protective nature. I don't know if my team knows or even appreciates what I do for them. Well, that doesn't matter because at the end of the day, we did win the championship last year. Let's see if we are able to hoist the trophy up again under my leadership.

I miss it when times were much simpler

still breathing down your neck is my priority

Everything feels so surreal since the events that have unfolded since Thursday night took place. Although it wasn't me who had to go through the entire ordeal, I still feel the pain for my friend or rather one of my brothers. Well, I am following Shakespears' rule that "for he who sheds his blood with me shall be my brother". So he qualifies as one.

It set me back thinking, "Am I ready for the death of my parents?" Obviously I am not. But then, being the sneaky one he is, God always has something up his sleeves. Tragedy will hit you when you least expect it. Since you never expect tragedy to happen, the probability for it to happen to you at this very moment is extremely high.

Losing one's parents is no easy thing. To say that I am unprepared to lose mine is simply an understatement. To say that I never want to lose mine is simply delusional. The debt that I owe to my parents is simply too much. I doubt I will be able to fully repay them once I am fully able to. But I will do my best to fulfill that not because I am a filial son, not because it is a requirement set by the government to do so but because I owe them so much. And I am one person who doesn't like to owe people anything.

Although this might seem like a drastic change of topic, on another hand (anyway...) the road to recovery seems pretty much straightforward and smooth sailing for me. Being able to run again, albeit getting hit from multiple stitches all at one go, is truly blissful. I remember that in the army I was able to clock at least 5 klicks a day of running. I said at least because on a normal basis, everyone would clock more than 10 klicks daily. And that is excluding the ones that we have to run with our men who needs an extra push(kena fuck and tekan by people like me) so that by some chance, they'd be able to pass their IPPT. Right now, being able to run a mere 2 klick without having to stop is already a blessing for me.I miss the days when I was able to complete a 5klick run in just under 15 minutes (upon which I blacked out at the end).

However, I have so far been quite successful in the battle of the bulge. At least I am not so fat now. The image of me having double chin (which I kind of already have) is simply disgusting. Plus, I was not able to fit into so many of my pants. Those that were tailored have already been given away. However, recently, the pants that I have been wearing since I had the stomach of a 3 month old pregnant woman has been feeling pretty lose. Well, that could only mean that I am finally losing it. Oh wells, I've been cycling a bit, swimming when I can and hitting the gym as often as 5 times a week. As for food, I've been cutting down here and there. The final obstacle, I guess, would be the ciggies. I guess every little bit helps. This all came from a picture of my JC rugby days. I was able to have a 6 pack then, I should be able to have them soon. It's all about how much I want it. Besides being able to look good once again, its actually about...hell, it mostly about being able to look good.

Well, I guess that pretty much sums up everything.

Somebody give me a sign

In the midst of all the projects that I have on hand, I am deciding to take a break (one out of many) to keep this space recent. Not that I have something to really write about but I guess I could bitch and moan here without having anyone to tell me off since it is YOUR choice to read this space anyway.

The firm that I've been interning here has been pretty alright. Here, it is the intern (meaning me) who picks on the permenant staff. Well, its a fun environment really. And so far, I have been pulling of tricks just to avoid taking on any more projects. Suffice to say, I have learnt quite a bit to stay afloat in the work environment. In other words, I can't wait to get back to school.

The other thing that has been keeping me very occupied is the damn rugby team. Sometimes, I don't know why I bother so much. The fact that I had rushed my specialist for an early surgery date was so that I could don school colours once more for them. On top of that, I have been absorbing the shit that everyone has been giving me for the sake of the team. Note that I am ABSORBING and not DEFLECTING, so it is definitely wearing me down. Attendence has been super disappointing and the reasons (or rather excuses) that I have received are found to be rather perplexing.

Well, when the heart is willing, you'd do anything to make it happen but when it's not, you'll find a thousand ways to avoid it (at all cost!). I wonder why the attitude is so bad. Could it be me and my leadership? Well, no one has dared to voice out anything yet so I guess we will never know.

I remember constantly looking forward to rugby every single day when I had training. It even came up to the point that I was training 6 days a week (in addition to 3 nights a week of silat) back in secondary school. But when I was told to choose the manner I would like to represent the country, I did not regret choosing rugby. This is despite the fact that they dropped me out for the tour (which never happened thanks to SARS! HAHAHAHA!) for some brand name. Well, all I can say about that is that revenge has been sweetly meted out just a few months back despite me being on crutches.

Well, I have got to think of something soon before I call it quits on the team- both as captain and player. After all that I have done for them, I am being repaid in a manner that befits the description of most teachers- you teach me, I'll give you crap! I do realize that that last sentence might anger some of you out there but that's only because you do not understand what I just said. Well, if it did, than that only goes to show your level of intelligence or rather the lack of it. In addition, I am not going to explain that either. So it's a take it or leave it kind of thing.

I am craving for perfection

How do you describe things when you're frustrated, disappointed, angry, sad and just plain sian? Oh wait, maybe I just did.

Guess, it's just one of those days, or week, or month, or year...maybe decade? Maybe one of those centuries? Fuck..its just one of those life.

Don't fix if it's not broken yet

I AM DECLARING THE WEEK THAT HAS PASSED AS MURPHY'S WEEK!

Basically everything that could go wrong did go wrong! Well, Murphy, guess what? I have prevailed you bitch! It was rather a tiresome week which all started from day 1, or Monday rather. The day where I was supposed to end the misery that is Year 3, Semester 2. What was supposed to be a glorious day of relieve became that of dread. I now hold a grudge against my computer for corrupting my report that was supposed to be handed in on the last day of my exams. Because of that, I spent 2 more days doing from scratch (well not really) on my final report. God that was fucked up.

That was followed by several by other series of unfortunate events which culminated to my phone being screwed up thanks to the rain! The rain and my supposedly $80-Gore-Tex-Jacket. That plus I practically jet-skied across the expressway home in the super-duper (or as some mats/minahs preferred it to be spelled as "supa-dupa") heavy rain. Lucky for me, Murphy took a break today as I got my phone fixed at only $30 with a lot of fees "waived" since "mine is an iphone 3g". Wonder what that was supposed to mean. But hey! Less money spent equals to a heavier wallet and that equals to a more genuine smile to the power of 10.

I should be asleep now but thanks to Murphy and his almighty law, I am up setting up my phone to be the awesomemost iphone again. Honestly, I can't wait to start my internship tomorrow. The only thing I am dreading is the journey there. So far, I've counted at least 2 ERP gantries to the office and the thought of paying for parking everyday is so bleargh! All in all, I have calculated that i'll be spending $26 for parking for the next 8 weeks. I have no idea how much ERP is going to cost me. This is truly an ehpfftany. Well, whatever! At least I'll be compensated (not much) and I'll be getting some job experience(from doing saikang).

We will see how the next 8 weeks goes and see if I am truly suited for a desk-bound job. I highly suspect that I'll shrivel up and die behind my desk before the 8 weeks are up.

Is there something I can say to make you turn around

On the way to school tonight, I decided to pop by Caltex which has the 2 for $2 deal drinks. It seems like the idea of having 2 bottles Peppermint Green Tea to down while getting some work done was ideal especially with the sore throat that I have. Damn, it is the wrong time to fall sick. Then again, when is it ever the right time to fall sick?

To my utter surprise, City Harvest just finished a service(on a Wednesday night???). So, traffic conditions there were, for lack of a better word, disappointing. I hate being stuck in traffic and as always, the thought of clear open road tempted me even if it means making one big round just to get to my destination. As long as I could keep cruising, nothing else matters. Inadvertently, it brought me towards Pasir Laba Camp. That place sure holds a lot of memory for me.

For about 26-28 weeks of the second half of 2006, I spent my days there as a trainee. Every other night was nights-off. It got to the point that nobody could be bothered going out. We basically pissed everybody else off because our company was, seemingly, the only company that constantly got to go out on a weeknight. Golf Company, 40th BSLC- we got a total of 8 nights-off. Echo Company, 40th ASLC- I actually lost count of the number of times we got to go out because after awhile, the novelty was thoroughly worn out. No other companies could understand why we got to go out so often. The first thing that comes to their mind when they hear about us can be aptly summed up in a single word- slack! What I would give to let them know how "slack" we all really were. I suppose its to substitute for what we truly are as a result of their envy. How I, along with the rest of my company, would actually think of ourselves are efficient and competent.

I still remember the incident when I was shoved the appointment of LSM(Leader Sergeant Major). In simple terms, I was the Company IC. I was the LSM for the longest time possible! All in all, including the block leave that we had during the week where NDP 2006 fell, I was the LSM for a total of 3 weeks. Normally, one would only hold the post for a few days, maybe a week max! I could only think of 2 reasons why I was one for 3 weeks. 1) They forgot about me. 2) They really wanted to test me.

Well, it was the latter reason, I guess I had failed big time since I got one hell of a scolding for failing to move out on time. All this thanks to a certain Bravo Company which took their own sweet time in handing over the stores. Apparently, my delegation skills were not up to standard. So yup, that was one hell of day for me which led to me requesting to resign from that appointment.

That was that. What made me think about that place even more was the June of 2007 where I spent 5 weeks in that place to complete my platoon sergeant course. That was sweet. It's erm...really sweet I suppose.

Well, I'm not sure where or what I am getting at here but it seems like the Zzzz monster has gotten a grip on me. And since this is not going anywhere, maybe I should just stop here.

I drag myself through the dirt just to feel a little closer to the ground

This semester has just by rather quickly. It's just a weekend more before the exams and I am glad (or rather the lack of it) that I am not prepared for it! Yet, as usual, I tend not to panic when the crisis seems great. The greater the crisis, the calmer I get. Thanks Uncle Sam and friends!

On another note, I guess I've finally figured the song that I'll hear when I am about to die. It sure has a very calming effect on me for some strange reason. Perhaps that will be the song that I will hear when the angle of death comes around to claim my soul. Well, never was mine to begin with.

I never really quite know what to write about today. Guess, it's just a filler post else people might think that I have gone inactive. Well, guess not. This is very typical of me- being extremely random. The fun part of it all is the spontaneity that one gets to enjoy. Most of the time, I am the one who enjoys it but people do get tagged along for the ride.

I have always experienced a great deal of freedom in my life. My parents never really did care where I go as long as I am safe. The keywords there are never really did care precisely because they know that I am fully capable of taking care of myself- others even. Sure they do worry but their faith in me supersedes all worries.

Guess not everyone is able to accept that for so many years in my life, I have lived a life of freedom. Before having any girlfriends, I used to keep laughing at my friends who have to constantly report to their girlfriends about their whereabouts. And I used to enjoy that a lot. But things in the past few years have been rather different. Now, I get to laugh at myself for losing that sense of freeness to do whatever I want, whenever I want. It's kinda like what a friend once told me, "I do what I like and I like what I do". God bless him and hopefully he passes the course.

I always get reminded of this joke whenever I think about this sort of thing (and I really think a lot about it). The only women how knows where her husband is every night is known as a widow. For those who did not catch that, THAT was the joke. Perhaps my sentence structuring or rather the complete lack of any proper structure contributed a lot to that.

Perhaps, what I have shared with some might help? If it was forgotten, this was what I have shared,

Flying a kite is a lot like how you are with people. You can't force someone to do something. It just like how you'd run trying to fly the kite- it never really goes up. And getting it to soar up high, there has to be some pulling and letting go.

But I guess that's not a very good measure since not a lot of people knows how to fly kites. I guess you can all take it in your strides. I'm not forcing down anything down your throat just thought that I could share something that my mind has randomly thought of.

And now I sound so formal =[

Find my way back..

With a lot of task at hand, I've decided to do the one thing that I shouldn't be doing...bitch about them all.

The past couple of weeks have indeed been a whirl. Thanks to my injury, surgery and recovery, I have a lot of catching up to do. Knowing how much I procrastinate, the workload just keeps piling up. Besides academics, rugby stuff have been keeping occupied too. The biggest casualty in all of this is my sleep. Well, I guess heavy doses of painkillers during the two weeks plus off of school has somewhat accumulate the amount of sleep I need to sustain myself. Then again, it could have been that I was paying back the sleep debt that I owed. What am I saying here?

Good news is that the knee has been getting better. So far, I have been recovering at miraculous speed. So miraculous that it's ridiculously impossible. I was off the crutches by 2 weeks and off my braces by the 4th week. Hell, I was able to ride my bike again by the third week when my physio-friend told me that it'll take me at least 2 months before I could ride again.

But like all things, I guess the injury was meant to happen for a reason. Firstly, my mom was happy that I was finally staying at home a lot more than I usually do. By usually do it means that I'd only come home at night after a full day at school and leave early in the morning. It seems like I am treating the home more like a hotel than anything else. Although my mom has never actually said that, I could somehow sense it. But yeah, it was the first time I was really at home. So when I actually got off the crutches, I could somehow sense some disappointment from her. It's really just too bad that my house isn't the most conducive place to get any work done. Guess, that's one more reason to get a room in hall for next semester.

But on the bright side (supposedly), I am back to being able to earn some mullahs for myself. Coaching certainly needs me to be physically-abled. Although I am not fully there yet, being able to walk is enough for now. 2 more months before I am able to do any running. 1 more month to swimming. 5 more months for me be get back onto the pitch. My pair of Nikes are currently rotting away in some obscure part of the house. Don't worry baby, in 5 more months, you and me, we're going to be tearing up the pitch once more. I can still remember the date that I last wore my pair of Nikes- 29th of January 2011. That's the fateful day which I tore my ACL. The physio was so insistent that I didn't since I didn't cry like what most people. Getting dished out with punches and kicks since the age of 9 has probably increased my tolerance for pain at an insanely high level. Army training chipped in abit to. So yeah, I didn't cry...but that's because my whole leg numbed out immediately afterwards.

The best part of it all, when I came back for my first post-op physiotherapy, I was told that I didn't look as though I actually underwent surgery since I look so fresh. For a moment there, it hit me that they could have just knocked me out, pretend to do surgery on me before I woke up and all. That's a load of crap but I guess that was the reaction that I had since my physio commented on how fresh I look. Then again, it could have been because I just showered not too long ago.

8 more months before I can really get back on my own feet and doing what I love the most- Rugby. Shall patiently (as much as I possibly can) get there.

All Signs Points to Lauderdale

I hate this town, it's so washed up
And all my friends don't give a fuck
They'll tell me that it's just bad luck
When will I find where I fit in
2,3,4!

Remember when I tried
I'd never strayed too far from you
Forever by your side
No matter what I was going through
But now I never know the things to say to you
That help me prove that I'm still on your side
I never show just what you do to me
Guess I'm what's always wrong

I hate this town, it's so washed up
And all my friends don't give a fuck
They'll tell me that it's just bad luck
When will I find where I fit in
I hate this town

Cause no one can understand,
I just can't be tied down
Nothing comes between me and my plans
So now I never know the things to say to you
That help me prove that I'm still on your side
I never show just what you do to me
Guess I'm what's always wrong

I hate this town, it's so washed up
And all my friends don't give a fuck
They'll tell me that it's just bad luck
When will I find where I fit in

And don't believe a word they're telling to you
Don't believe a word they're telling to you
They let me down
When will I find where I fit in
I hate this town

Won't let a world gone mad ever bring me down
Gave everything I had to turn it back around
Cause our time's worth something
Bigger than both you and me
I can't live my life always backing down
I gotta do this right so they can't make a sound
Cause I'm not here for nothing
Least I can say I stand for something

You and me we stand for something

I hate this town, it's so washed up
And all my friends don't give a fuck
They'll tell me that it's just bad luck
When will I find where I fit in

And don't believe a word they're telling to you
Don't believe a word they're telling to you
They let me down
When will I find where I fit in
I hate this town...


IF there's any song that speaks volumes to/about me right now, it would have to be this one. With recovery in mind, I just can't wait to get it over and done with. Seriously. The doctor/surgeon was surprised to see how fast I am recovering. 2 weeks after the operation and I am off the crutches. Usually, it'd take someone about a month. My friend who suffered the same injury as I did took about 5 weeks to finally get off crutches. But I guess that's because he's a pretty huge guy so that might probably be the case.

To top that op, I am also able to ride my bike again. Though it'll hurt to begin with, it'll eventually go numb and I'll only be in great discomfort once I have to put my right leg down again. My mom isn't stopping with the name calling but I guess I'll let her have her fun for now.

9 months to full recovery. I have yet to pass the first month. It's been only 2 weeks. A lot can happen in 9 months. Meanwhile, I'm going to religiously stick to my gym routine to get back the strength that was in my leg before.

I guess some people don't get it. I exist to prove the naysayers otherwise. Life has an added flavour like that.

Deprive someone to begin any sense of appreciation of things

How to be now

World without crutches is one which is way much better than anything else. For me, walking has a much different flavour now. To many, this is insignificant but for those who have went through what I am going through right now, they'd understand.

So far, I have been called many different names. My mom has lovingly called me robocop. Friends have called me stone cold. Some stranger called me the 6 Million dollar man. How wonderful.

unconscious reality

Im taking another pill just to fall asleep...

It's been a week since the operation and progress has not been quick as expected. I am virtually imprisoned in my own home thanks to a knee injury which (obviously) I didn't ask for but was given anyway. It's kind of like experience- you get it when you don't need it. So day in and day out, I wake up, take my medications, do my exercise regimes (which have been reduced embarrassingly to a few movements to strengthen the knee), watch tv, play games maybe and go about my day doing the same thing over and over again.

Showering and doing other necessities have become less of a chore but nonetheless still one albeit i am getting used to it somehow. I have to or else i'd be so shabby that I would actually smell of shit and pee. A few more years like that and I'd be the weird man who owns a cat. Nobody will even remember my name after that.

Tonight's conversation(what seems like it) has make me out to be someone who's demanding, self-centered and inconsiderate. Well, as always, I need to forsake mine to consider others because mine doesn't matter at all. This community before self catchline is really catching on(else it wouldn't be known as a catchline to begin with). So amidst the things that I have never blame others for but to suck it up and move on, I got one hell of a beating tonight. Again, I shall just suck it up and move along.

I miss being able to move about freely and do things as and when I want to. If it wasn't for this condition of the leg of mine, I would still be able to do all that without having people to bother so much about it. I hate that feeling...having to bog down others for my own needs. Well, I cannot wait for the day the doctor tells me that I don't need the damn crutches anymore! The only way the doctor can top that is to tell me that I have fully recovered!

Right now, everything is back to basics. At the age of 24, I am learning how to walk all over again. The last time I ever remembered doing such a thing was more than 20 years ago. It's frustrating and even the smallest of things can really bring you down. At the same time, the smallest of things can also overwhelm you with a sense of elation. So its really a give and take thing I suppose.

we really need to learn to say "oh what the hell" in life sometimes

Still Learning how to roll with the punches

Waking up to a call by my brother that he's in an accident isn't the kind of thing one expects to hear early in the morning. Somehow, in my gut, I knew this kind of thing was going to happen. Thankfully, it was nothing major and he should be on the way to the bike shop any time soon. Seems like only a couple of weeks back my friend got into an accident. I don't know why people I know always get into an accident. The only accident I got into so far was at a stupid carpark after a stupid fight of which I stupidly went to look for that person to make up for things. Spent the next few days with a testicle the size of a Fuji apple but after which, I was up and running again.

I guess the secret to riding you bike safely is to go fast. Real fast! Safety through speed. I know this sounds kind of warped but my logic is this, the lesser time you spend on the road, the lesser the chances of you getting into an accident. That translates you into going fast. But then, there will always be the whitebikerboys trying to catch you for speeding saying that it's dangerous and all. Well, truth be told, they too ride fast when they're off duty. So it's kind of ironic isn't it? The best crooks in the world are those who are actually enforcing the law.

But then, with great speed comes great responsibility. This being that if you have absolutely no skill for it, chances of you wiping out is a definite! And plus, this only applies for bikes, cars, lorries and other vehicles do no apply here! Bikes are always at the losing end of things so some flexibility in the law should be exercised here. Period!

Anyway, it's been 4 days after the operation and I think I'm getting the hang of things. With crutches and all, the easy things becomes hard, the hard things becomes impossible. Even showering is a chore now. But thank god for almighty painkillers, I am able to get through my day smoothly. In this condition, the rain has officially become my enemy as wet surfaces could only mean I would definitely slip and that is something I wouldn't want to experience- especially in the disabled state that I am in.

Well, work can only pile up and medication can only make me drowsy. Maybe I should be asking for extensions. We will see how it goes.

6 months to recovery and I am only in the 4th day of the first month. Hurrah!

Livin' on a prayer

Dear god,

What is that you really want of me? You've been giving me one misfortune after another. It's been so many years now. Couldn't you just give me a break for once? I mean, if there's something that I really have to do in order for all that nonsense to stop, tell me and I'll fulfill it.

As if the great misfortune that you have given me which will leave me permanently disabled to a great extent isn't enough, you've been slowly rolling them out to me. I've been taught before that you put people through this as a test. Fair enough..but how do i pass? My future, the one that I have been dreaming about right now is certainly gone. Right now, all I can have is just a life of contentment. Then again, isn't that the life of mediocrity? I know you know me and by that I don't like to get by by just doing enough. I want to do more. To a certain extent that is selfish of me but you know me the best so you know why I want to do all those.

Are there many more to come? Could I be given any signs of warning please? You've been pushing me past my breaking point so many times already. But then, with what little fight I have within me, I've stood up against. Are you trying to prepare me for something? If so, what is it?

Give me a sign...now please.

Over My Head

Another night in school. It seems like I can only be productive late into the night. Well, I suppose that getting a place in hall for the last two semesters of my miserable undergraduate life can only be convenient. Although..the new definition of convenient does bug me a lot. In case you don't know, look at the root word being "con" which can only mean that its bluffing you to think that everything is easy when on the hindsight, it's a lot harder than you can only imagine. I love the new definition of convenient. Well, I suppose this goes for a lot of words which starts with c-o-n.

Why am I saying so? Well, I'd have to part with at least $200 more every month on top of the current expenditures that I have to budget myself to. Bike, bills and soon, recovery products. But money can always be earned somehow somewhere.

Speaking of which, I somehow experienced an epiphany yesterday whilst walking to Mcdonalds to get myself an Orea Mcflurry. Yum Yum! So yeah, I realized maybe what I actually want to be is a philanthropist. How I'm going to get there is a different story altogether because as of this moment I still am pretty much clueless about it. Perhaps, the lawyer thing might work? Then I might just be a corporate lawyer or something like that so that I can screw the rich of their money and then give it to the poor. Serves them right for not knowing how to share. Kind of like a modern day Robin Hood. I wonder if any of those still exist today.

As a kid, I've had a lot of heroes that I look up to. From those coming from fairy tales, to cartoons, kid shows (neither The Tellytubbies nor Barney or anything stupid made it into my list) and also actual live people have become my hero. Ghandi, I'm sorry, what you did was amazing, but you just didn't make it. Why? Well, you got shot! I don't want to get shot. It sucks and it hurts like hell. Don't ask me how I know this but yeah...it burnsssssssssssss!!

I guess I'm back to writing grammatically incorrect but who cares? Well, if I didn't I wouldn't have said such a thing right? And so the chicken and the egg question comes to mind. Who came first? Not me.

Maybe someday, somehow, someone or something might provide me with the guidance that I need to fulfill this dream of mind. Right now, it all seems like one big fantasy. Hopefully, I'll get there.

There is no delight in owning anything unshared

Tell Me I'm A Wreck

The days have been passing past me rather quickly. Everything has been touch n' go for me. Haven't really had the time to actually sit down and absorb everything properly. Well, the break from having no training session has provided me with some respite to get some work done. Alas.....

I can still vividly remember the incident at North Vista when I was just about the ride off. This 10 year old kid, who can't decide to either call me coach, Mr.Fadzil or cher, tried to scare me by telling me videos of motorbike accidents he saw on YouTube. To top that, he just laughed his way out of the school gate after I asked him if he was trying to scare me! He even had the nerve to say yes. Well done kids!

Wow, didn't realize how old it made me feel just to say that! On another note, kids at my Mendaki class kept saying how I'd look like someone they knew or have seen before. So far, I have been compared to their past teacher, their uncle, grandfather, a cleaner, a hawker and even some banglah. Just last weekend, they kept insisting that I was a drug addict just because I didn't shave and was very sleep deprived. I'm just thankful they haven't associated me to some feminine figures in their lives just yet. Maybe they eventually will since they're running low on the male figures.

Well, just last week, I had to make one of the hardest decision in my life thus far. One of the hardest meaning there might be a few others just that this one is just as comparable as the others. Try telling half the team that they most likely won't be playing this season. Doesn't sound too hard does it? Well, killing someone's hope is worst than to kill them outrightly. I actually saw the fire in their eyes go out. But I guess there's always a way to work around the system. We will see how it goes.

Well, it was truly disappoint that it was this sunny yesterday. Else, I would have gotten awesome shots of magic hour at my secret spot. Guess, I just have to be contented with the ones I have gotten so far.

I guess you never knew me at all

Life stories

Reading past entries from my own blog has been somewhat nostalgic. From an 18 year old who worked in Delifrance while waiting to enlistment, to 2 awesome years of my life, my first 2 years of undergraduate life till now. All that stories have been quite a memory as I journey in life.

All my other posts have been about things that are too abstract for me to even comprehend and write them out even logically. So now, I'm going to give an update on myself for the past 2 months of this year.

I've recently took up a coaching assignment at some primary school. Thinking it was somewhere in Woodlands, I gleefully accepted it thinking its one of those rugby schools. Only to my horror, North Vista isn't in Woodlands after all! Damn...and to think it was since Northbrooks and North View are all in the vicinity. What a bummer! So yes, once a week, I have to vroom vroom all the way to Sengkang just to conduct an hour and a half session of rugby to kids who only care about if they can go to the canteen to buy drinks during their water breaks.

Another big issue which I have been incessantly talking about is this knee injury. In the first few days of getting it, walking alone is a momentous event! Right now, I can walk fine with a bit of pain every now and then. Running is still a no-go for me because the last time I tried, I just collapsed under my own weight. Mind you, I've since lost 4kg after the injury. Well, 4kg worth of muscles lost only to be compensated by an ever growing tummy. Soon, I'll be one prepared rider who carries a spare tire around me so I'll never have to worry if my bike's tire ever go bust.

Assignments have been piling up as they should be. It is my third year after all and taking 2 400-level modules certainly is a drain to all my mojos. In order to add salt to the injury, having people in my group who certainly does not know how to contribute is certainly a pain in the ass. I have never knew anyone who could be so despised so much. To think that I've already found that out a couple of years back was simply too quick for me. I should have just waited. Well, this could only extend my shit list. If I was some triad boss or something, this shit list will get its weekly cleansing.

The Quad-University season is going to start this coming week. The only sad thing about it is that I don't get to play it for the last time with people I've been playing with for the last 2 years of my University rugby life. Before this, I've never ever got the chance to play with such awesome players. It's just very sad that I have to sit out this year. Well, let's see what the MRI will show this Tuesday. Soon, Project Awesome will commence as soon as I've gone through with the surgery. Recovering is going to be a bitch as I have to relearn how to walk. But who knows? I might be able to run much faster after this. Life has a funny way of showing you how things will eventually turn out for the better. Let's see that theory put to work.

Be careful when reading health books; you may die of a misprint

Even after all these years, I have yet to figure out this question.

"Why do we fight?"

With just a few more hours till the stroke of midnight, I begin to wonder the notion of love. What is love? Is it an emotion? Is it some sort of a theory? Is it something we create to justify certain acts that we carry out?

Perhaps, a joke to sort of lighten the moment here might help...
Q: What does "making love" mean?
A: It is something a woman does while a guy is fucking her.

I did say perhaps and sort of didn't I?

Jokes aside, love has been the limelight in our existence in this world. Without hate, there can be no love. Without love there can be no hate in this world. Opposites exists and the only thing that we can do about it's existence is not to just deal with it but to embrace it. Only by embracing it can we truly understand the power of such a concept/notion/theory. After all, how many times have us men heard this line," Women- can't live without them, can't live with them either"? It's been repeated over and over again- made cheesy by all forms of entertainment.

Wars have been fought for such a notion. At the same time, all forms of violence have also been resolved when all forms of amnesty have been exhausted only to be replaced by the notion of love. World War 1, World War 2, Cold War and all other wars ancient to us were fought because of this thing called love or the lack of it. That statement is arguable. Even amidst any clashing, there is love going on. It is found in the form of continuum of which many of us can only identify as the lacking of love. We fail to see the hindsight of it all that violence is possibly love on the hindsight of things. Here, I cannot fail to express myself in the only way that why being a solider(of some sort) means a lot to me. It comes in the form of this, "People sleep peaceably at night because rough men stand ready to do violence on their behalf".

Right now, you must be thinking, "How is this suitable for the 14th of February?!" Well, since we ARE celebrating valentine's day, let's recap why we are.
1) St Valentine died on this day.
2) He died a martyr.
3) It is a celebration of love in its highest form- sacrifice.

So right here, sacrifice is what we are really celebrating. Not a day goes by without us doing something and not having to lose something else just to do that. Truth is, we are limited in all that we do. Economists have long identified the idea of scarcity. Right now, the only resource all of us equally have would be time. However, that too has it's own form of scarcity. Time spent working meaning time lost with your love ones. Time spent with your love ones meaning time lost for doing things that you love...unless of course you share the same interests with your love ones.

I am going all over the place with this one. Many of you would agree that I barely touch on something before going onto something else. But I am sure you do get a picture of this? No? Well, too bad because all I want to do here is to engage your thoughts....and I have a major assignment to finish by tonight.

Perhaps I will write again here once I have some more time or maybe a face-to-face conversation would do some good. Spontaneity is the mother of all mothers after all. But for now, I shall leave with something which I find highly relevant to celebrate this very day.

Jim's Dad: Why do you think, uh, Michelle, they call it "making love"?
Michelle: I don't know. I just call it "boning".
Jim's Dad: Boning? Well, when-when you're doing other things with Jim, when you're not... um... boning, how does he make you feel?
Michelle: Horny, like I wanna bone.
Jim's Dad: But-but, we can't be boning from sunrise to sunset, dear.
Michelle: Oh, you've never tried it?
Jim's Dad: I certainly have. I have. I've boned... from sunrise, uh, right through brunch on more than one occasion.

It is somehow incomplete here. Couldn't find the rest of it but I think it finishes of something like this...

You make love because you have to make love work...

And so I've officially turned 24. I wonder if there's anything worth mentioning about the past 24 years of my life. No, I'm not being emo about anything here. But if there's anything worth mentioning about the past 24 years, it'd be the people that I'm surrounded with, the ones who I've met along the way. If I was to relive the last 24 years of my life, those people would be damn worth it to cross paths into once more. If I was to do everything again, I'd be more than happy to bump into them anytime.

I can't believe school's still showing some kind of life at this hour. I am not sure if a couple looking at a laptop screen considers as studying but they are here anyway.

Well, the knee is not getting any better. With the help of a knee guard, everything seems fine. But when I do take it off, reality sets in. NUH isn't helping much either with an MRI appointment being so godddamn far away. I should probably give them a call soon and probably ask for a change of hospital if they are not going to speed things up. But then, I procrastinate.

Seeing how my team is in dire need of my skills and not being able to do anything about it is definitely the epitome of helplessness. I hate feeling helpless. Its the kind of feeling you get when you know that you definitely have the necessary to do something about it but then, there's just his one whole mountain of an obstacle that's preventing you to do that. Your heart sinks whenever that happens. And right now, that mountain happens to be my knee. Though it doesn't hurt as much anymore(probably because the swelling has gone down significantly), it does feel week, hollow even. An attempt to jog a little just so that I can get across the field faster a couple of days back provided with enough justification that my ligaments have indeed been torn. I need an operation quick! The quicker it's done, the sooner my recovery process can begin. Damn hospital!

Stoning away in front of the laptop, I was suddenly reminded of an incident which happened sometime last month. I accompanied the girlfriend for a threading session at Yishun after a session of lousy sushi for lunch. It was so lousy, it should be called shishi instead of sushi! Anyway, seeing that the place was rather crowded inside with the threaders(is that what they're called?) busy attending to other customers, we had to wait outside with me cursing under my breath because it only meant that I couldn't sneak away for a puff. Me being the potty mouth decided to make unnecessary remarks about the people inside. They ranged from how- this lady cut cue because she just entered the place even though we thought we had sort of formed a queue by sitting at the benches outside the place- to- me asking why is there a fat man inside getting his brows done only to be told that it was actually a lady...a fat one to add. I even made fun of the threaders because of how their head movement was like when they were doing the threading and promptly labelled them as nu-skul headbangers because they were constantly rocking their head backwards instead of the traditional forwards. This of course, was under the muted sound of my breath.

After more than 10 minutes of my pleasant running commentary, I was told that they could hear me of which I curtly rebutted seeing how the place was airconditioned which meant the place was sealed up. After another 5 minutes (perhaps more) of my commentary, I finally realized why I could feel the aircon from where I was sitting...I spotted a huge gap between the glass door and the glass see-through panel! Of which, she just laughed at me and went it. She came out less than 5 minutes later (just 2 puffs later to add to that) telling me how she had to profusely apologize for my kind words after she was told, "Oh! Your boyfriend is making fun of us is it?" Well, besides the angry stares that she got from the other customers (out of whom I was told that I insulted but honestly, I was just making factual comments), she actually got to go before the lady who "cut the queue". Well, maybe that's because when she entered the place, a big, "EH! Why is she cutting the queue? Can't she see that you're queuing up??"

I am beginning to think that behind all that embarrassment one can get just being around me, there are benefits as well. But, it's just me justifying myself.

Never say anything to hurt anyone.
I was always told not to lie (: