The dream that I had last night was rather peculiar yet pleasing. It's about things in my life that never changes-Rugby and The Army. Those two things provided me with bittersweet memories and are still burning me with them as new memories pile up onto each other. Because of those two, I am proud to say that that is how I am who I am today and where I am today. (How I am today is a different story because injuries do pile up too). Perhaps, this answers the question as to why I do bother so much with it(or rather them)-

That said, I just watched a Rugby film on a random basis. Based on a true story, I am suddenly filled with this insatiable thirst of desire. FTW!

It's not about rugby, it's about young men. It's not about building a championship team, it's about building championship boys, boys who will be FOREVER STRONG
-Larry Gelwix

It's funny how you can sometimes stumble onto songs that somehow reflects how things are for you at the moment

If it means a lot to you

Never have I wished so hard in my life for that every sms/calls received would be from you...

Today, a mother saw how broken hearted her son is.
This stupid son of hers, wished he would have never done what he did.
He wished that he would have just followed his heart instead of listening to his stubborn (stupid)head.
He wished that he would have trusted his instincts more.
He wished that he could have taken back everything and make things right again.
He wished that things never turned out this way.
He wished that he could go back in time to before the 1st of October or maybe perhaps the 15th of July.
He wishes that with each trip he makes on his bike, he would go through some time portal that would bring him back in time.

If only you knew...
If only I had known...

I can't help but to wonder, "who reads my blog?". I'm sure it goes without saying to anyone who writes on a regular basis on any blog site. Besides those who commented on the CBOX(so far, there's only one guy who does it), I have no clue on who reads. Perhaps, its time I do something about it? Ahh...it's just a random thought that just hit me. 

Speaking of things hitting me, I just got hit by bird shit in the morning. I was sitting at the carpark, going about my own business doing my pre-ride ritual when suddenly SPLAT! A bird shit landed nicely on my left calf. IT must have eaten papaya or something or probably was having diarrhea because of its color. Guess I should be getting something from lady luck pretty soon then with regards to popular beliefs. Then again, maybe not? It seems that I have been a prime target for birds lately. The last time it happened, I only noticed after I parked my bike. Again, on my left leg(the thigh). That must have been one pro bird as it was able to hit me on the move. Must have been a bomber in the previous life or something.

Should I be lamenting on how great my day was yesterday? Though it was cut short, it was indeed the highlight that I was looking forward to. Hopefully, just maybe, it can happen again SOOOOOON. Hehs. In addition to that, I received a comment about my forehead. IT was said to be high and hence people with high foreheads tend to think a lot. I do admit that I am sometimes lost in my own thoughts but when it comes to articulating it, that's another different story. By the time I am FINALLY some place to pen it all down, 9/10th of it would already be lost. Hence, when you do read here tends to be mostly gibberish. So far, only a few people are able to read what is going through my mind and rather, what went through it. 

On another point, Reversi has been sort of an addiction for me. Besides it being an almost no brainer game, well, actually, that was just it. Let's try something else which tests my patience and see how good I can be in looking at fine details and to discover discrepancies- if there are any.  

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZZm3d4J-7PI

I'm having mixed feelings about today. The day began really awesome. Kite flying really taught me something. No, it's not like I had it all planned out to begin with. It just dawned upon me as the kite went higher and higher. I know I scared you with that, but thoughts do come to me at the randomest moments.

Tugging/pulling back and letting go-its all part of the deal. There is always an anchor point for without one, being carefree becomes merely careless. Carelessness causes you to crash-violently sometimes. Having an anchor means that you come down smoothly and safely and that there is someone at the end of the line to catch you. ALWAYS.

Alas, the day was cut short. Candies, Hello Kitty, Ice-cream and magic hour had to be done without. I was disappointed. But I do understand why it has to be that way. No point retaliating. It would only make things go worse. But......

Anyway, I do look forward to such days. It's like every Sunday which I look forward to during my Army days. Monday would come, and I'd look forward to the next Sunday. My NS went by soooooooo fast that way..(:

How I wished you were there just now..

It seems like its getting harder and harder to keep myself distracted. My faith in things are waning as I sink deeper and deeper into this hell hole. So far, nothing has been going great. The semester went down the drain. I made the person that I've truly ever loved so hurt, that the mere thought of me hurts her the most. In return for that, now it hurts so much to realize what I'm doing. I guess I am getting what I've deserved. I shall receive this punishment willingly.

I guess I have been pushing hard for things to happen. Perhaps its just me. I have been pushing hard for things all my life. It's called effort. Nothing has ever happened to me because of luck. Everything that has happened to me is all because of the determined effort that I've put in in either work or pleasure. Nothing has been left to chance for me because I am someone who believes strongly in taking matters into my own hands. That said, do rest assured that it has no negative connotations.

Then again, that is no excuse for what I did. I should have saw it coming. No matter how much I've longed for you, I should be able to control myself. But i failed-epically.

All I ever needed is you. That is all I have to say. Believe when I say that what I did, was and still is for you own good. Because being humans, we all need reminders sometimes. Even me.

I'd do anything to be in ur arms once again

FUBAR

Never have I felt this way. Simply put it, things are FUBAR at the moment. Yes, it is beyond all recognition. You know its like that when calls go unanswered, and smses goes unreplied. I feel all flustered up and agitated. I think the best remedy for this would be pain: either causing or receiving. No matter what, the amount of pain caused or received simply cannot be compared to what it is right now-FUBAR.

Thinking that a long ride would help, especially one in the rain, it actually didn't! Thinking that sleeping it off might help, well, it didn't! Thinking smoking would help, well, it gave me a sense of release. But after all that, it's back to square one.

There's a song titled " Good to know that I ever needed attention all I have to do is die". Well, I was playing along those lines lately. But it seems that nobody dares to crash into me. There's a law which goes, " the longer im on the road, the higher the chances of a mishap happening to me". Well, I didn't come up with that; some riding/driving instructor did. But so far, I suppose, that is not meant to happen to me.

There's is probably a million and one question running through me head. No, its not that I don't trust you, its just that I have no clue what is going on right now. I am powerless in all that has been happening. Powerlessness breeds bossiness. I apologize for doing what I'm doing. It's like what I told you just now-it has not changed since.

I suck, I really do. I don't know why I allow myself to feel or be this way. For the first time in my life, this is something that I have no control about. You waived off all my confidence and all that that is me. Its the kind of confidence that I have and take it with me in facing all my adversities. The kind that cannot be talked about as much as I would like to as of my other challenges. The kind that isn't reported, documented or damned if remembered. I guess this time, the adversity is bigger than ever. The toughest I'm facing. Tougher than scaling a mountain deemed impassable but scaled anyway.

Even what I'm saying here doesn't make sense at all. Like the page says, blabberbutt- I'm just blabbering here: not making sense at all. Perhaps I have lost all senses as of now.

A very small degree of hope is sufficient to cause the birth of love

It is wrong to think that love comes from long companionship and persevering courtship. Love is the offspring of spiritual affinity and unless that affinity is created in a moment, it will not be created for years or even generations

Kahlil Gibran

Today was the one of those days of day. No matter what I did, I just couldn't get myself to be motivated in what I was doing or what I wanted to do for that matter. I just simply wasted petrol on going to the gym in school and practically just fooled around. Wasn't productive at all. It really makes me wonder why do I let myself feel or be this way. Seriously. Like the saying goes-it is the mind that wills the body. I guess today is one of those days that the mind hasn't the will to do anything. Perhaps, the mind isn't present even at this very moment.

Perhaps it's this sense of emptiness that I am feeling at this moment. Void breeds boredom, boredom breeds contempt and contempt, well it manifests itself to many other things that affects. It slows me down-literally. In fact, I'm beginning to think that even a drunkard can think more clearly (I am more conscious than ever about this "more" thing) than this.

What is wrong with me? Well, I have no answers to that. Seriously. Is it in human nature to be this way? To be affected by emotions? Is this the price to pay for being human? Well, if it is, than I bet this is just the tip of the iceberg.

I think I'll need to keep myself occupied till just then.

Random Mandom

The past week has been rather of a bore to me. As I've said before, there's really nothing much to look forward to. I spend all day doing practically nothing. Well, save for a few things that is. So, this is how my routine goes.

Every morning, I'll head to the gym at school. After a couple of hours there(and a full KG lost due to water weight lost), I'd head over to the canteen at NIE for lunch. Lately, lunch has always been YTF. Thursday's YTF was especially expensive as it costs me $4.80 which got me to wonder- what the hell did I put in there? I don't know if I'm doing in consciously or not but I have been eating healthy this past week. Literally. It'll be YTF, followed by two slices of fruits of any kind and also a banana. Gray juice would be nice too but i was in the mood for one.

After lunch would be home for me. Yeah. I'd be watching(or rather re-watching) shows that I've already seen probably a million times. Oh yes! Boredom got the better of me because I've been polishing my boots just for next week's briefing. It's something that (I bet) no one ever does. YES! That was how bored I was. And to top it off, when I'm usually doing that, I'd be watching some army/war movie. Hahaha. The last one I watched was Joyeux Noel. It's about the Christmas of 1914 and how the troops in the trenches spent it. You should watch it really. It's nothing war-ish cept for the few artillery bombardments. Instead, its really about the human spirit and how easily we are the put away our differences for the common good. PLUS! The day before (while polishing my boots again...), I had uncovered Singapore's greatest treasure right in the comfort of my own home: Army Daze! THAT WAS SIMPLY AWESOME!!! Even after years and years of watching that show, it never ceases to captivate me. I'm pretty sure that it would also captivate you especially to watch on a lazy afternoon.

The boredom was especially bad yesterday that I felt the need to do something random. So, after doing my dusk prayers, I left the house prepared for any sort of occasion. 20 minutes later, I found myself in Yishun. How I ended there was the result of traffic lights turning green. Yeah, that is how i do my Random Riding(if I was driving then it would be RD). I'd zoom off towards any direction which the traffic light points green. It sounds dumb, yes, but only to others. Sometimes, riding for the sake of riding is a lot better as you'd have no worries about being late and all.

Anyway, since I was in Yishun, I decided to catch a movie. I couldn't watch Planet 51 just yet as I already promised someone. So I went to watch Rocket Singh. Initially, I thought it was going to be those Indian-brit shows or something. Kinda like Bend it Like Beckham or Slum dog Millionaire. Turns out, it WASNT! Hahahahahha. The whole theater was filled with Indians. Well, being 1/8 of an Indian means that I'm not the odd one out. Maybe 7/8 odd out. But not 1 whole. Hehs. But, I wasn't disappointed. The movie was awesome! Seriously. Okay, maybe I was just frustrated because I sat next to a Fat guy who seems to be needing an entire row just to squeeze his HUGE butt comfortably. He kept eating and eating and eating. I think he had 3 BK burgers throughout the entire movie. To top it all off, HE STUNK! Seriously. Do all fat people stink? Maybe just a few. I have a couple of fatties as friends and they don't smell too bad. Maybe because the smell of ciggies covers it all up? Nah..they don't stink at all. Well, maybe they're just a minority. Anyway, awesome movie!

12/12/09. It's finally here. Saturday. AKA match day. Today, it's going to be a little bit special. We're playing at the Padang. So for two whole hours after kick off at 3.30pm, I'm going to pretend that the whole of Singapore came down to watch me play(by just passing by) and play extra special today. Hahaha..those old farts will never know what hit them.

One of the worst things in life is not how nasty the nasty people can be. You already know that. It's how nasty the nice people can be.

I'm now $150 poorer after yesterday. Yes, it's not THAT much to some but it IS to others. I went to JB just to get my bike serviced and guess what? The piston's all burned out. Literally. It's all charred up. Something that was something so shiny and silver looked like a metallic charcoal. Well, long story short, I had it changed and now, for the next 970km, I can only run my bike at 70-80km/h. THAT IS VERY SLOW! Considering the fact that my normal speed would run around 100km/h as of lately. Oh well, guess its high time my friends leave me behind on the road as how I would usually do to them. Yet, yesterday, I left Jo far behind. Riding at 70km/h on BKE, I still did not spot him catching up nor even behind me.

This morning, on the way home from running morning errands, I spotted 3 mats on a bike. Yeah...bicycle. They had it shaped like a kapcai bike and were making a lot of noises on the way to god knows where. Anyway, it isn't the first time I've spotted things like that. Apparently, its an in thing now for mats to do so. Have their bicycles shaped like that kind of bike. I can only wonder to myself: what is the matter with these kids?

For the uninformed, a kapcai bike is the one that you can normally find on the road. It's widely popular among Malaysians and the local Malay boys. Its the kind with no fuel tank in front so they have basically nothing to grip on to with their legs. As of lately, they've (the mats) have been trying to make it all look so cool by making it look like a sports bike(why not get a sports bike in the first place?). One of the reasons why it is a hit is because it is SO cheap. $4k can settle you for a first hand bike(machine price).

Back to those bicyclemats. Well, they have them shaped like that so it got me to wonder: is that what they aspire to have? Is their their ultimate goal in life? To have that kind of bike? Well, if that is so, its either that they have very poor imagination(hence unable to dream dreams) or that they are easily contented(got bike can already).

Either way, it's kind of sad what these mats have been up to lately. I have had friends who have quit studying just because they could not find the interest in doing it. Well, to me, that is just one lousy excuse for saying that they are performing poorly. If you want to say so, then you have to meet one criteria: YOU ACTUALLY HAVE TO BE PERFORMING TO BEGIN WITH. Only with that, do you have the right to say that you no longer have interest in studying. Can you imagine? Left school at the age of 14-15. It's not like they are hardworking either. Well, that's one of the reasons why they left school at such a young age. They rather sit under the block till wee hours in the morning(and in the process disturbing the peace of the neighborhood) and, well, do nothing really everyday then to go to work. YES!! These are my personal(and casual) observations. If you do not agree with this, by all means: DISAGREE!

To them, I suppose, life can be quite simple. Bored: Lepak. Having a bit of cash on their hands: Spend them all. Horny: find a secluded staircase. The list goes on really. But one thing that's got me fuming, has it always been like this? Or this is a degradation of what used to be? I don't know. All I know is that every night, without fail, a group of them will sit under my block and sputter nothing but nonsense the night through. It's like, they don't have a life or something.

It's absurd to divide people into good or bad. People are either charming or tedious.

Some stupid bird decided to dump its dung on me while i was riding home. Thanks alot birdie. Well, these past few days have been rather..mundane for me. Yes. Mundane is the correct word for me to use. There hasn't been anything to look forward to lately. My writings are up to standard too. I haven't had the inspiration to write something worth reading. Well, in order for me to be inspired, I have to be pissed. Right now, its just a void feeling for me. Yes, I guess there really isn't anything to look forward to.

Last weekend was rather okay. After being relegated and benched for my poor performance at training, I was finally subbed in in the second half. Not a moment to soon, I scored a try for the team thus turning the tide of the game. No, I am not boasting but I seriously turned the tide of the game albeit it was a tycoo(is this how it's spelled?) try. We were trailing behind Bucks until I came in. Awesome try. But seriously, I thought the referee blew the whistle and I was just being nice enough to retrieve the ball. When i realized that there were 3 big white guys chasing after me, that's when i made a dash for the try line. HOOWAH! Scored my first try of the season.

Alright, that was Saturday. Sunday was a little bit lazy for me. I went out in the morning to carry out a project of mine. A project which hopefully will be completed by June next year. 5 mins upon reaching home, my friends jio-ed me for a LAN-gaming session. Yeah, Parklane Mall has some of the best computers around to game for hours on end. We sat our assess down and our eyes glued to the screen to Left 4 Dead:2. Yeah. IT'S THE MOST AWESOME-EST GAME TO DATE!!! Blasting zombies around for 5 hours straight left us mindfucked and hungry. Dinner at beach road concluded the day as I am still dazed by the 5 hours experience.

Yesterday was no different. Nothing to look forward to. Well, gymmed and run in the morning left me with nothing to do in the afternoon except to rot at home. Well, morning at the school's gym was rather something. A few Viet-cong students were there. And yes, there were absolutely terrible at gym etiquette. Walked around with no shoes and towel, they left their sweat all on the benches without having the slightest bit of courtesy to wipe it clean so that the next person can use it without any feelings of disgust. Then, there was this guy. Each time he finished a "set" he'd go up to the mirror to check out how "big" his arms were. Hahahahahaha! Even my bottle of mineral water looked bigger than that. Heck, he was basically showing off his chopstick arms around to whoever wanted to see it. I stared at him and his antics and sniggered all the way through. HE SAW THAT I WAS RIDICULING HIM. But he continued doing it anyway. What an idiot. People like that makes one's experience at the gym a horrible one. Seriously. Wish somebody could do something to people like that. Like setting up a gym for the vain, gay and noobs who are all in it just to build muscle just so that they would look nice. Seriously, they're wasting space and clogging up the air inside with their stupidity(and their awful stink. What the hell do they eat anyway?)

Like i said, there was nothing for me to do after getting home.Then, training at the Padang got cancelled all thanks to the StanChart Marathon the day before. So, I was left with nothing to do but this...

Yeah...armed my self with a bottle of coke, a bag of chips and a packet of M&Ms, I went down to this favorite spot of mine and sat there for an hour. Disappointingly , the seat next to me was empty. Well, that's not a first to begin with. Maybe, for the next few magic hours, the seat next to me will continually be left empty? Hmm....not that im sad or emo-ing about it. But it would be nice to have someone to sit next to and talk to instead of just being silent through it all.

Well, I guess this holidays are filled with nothingness so i shall continue to train. Hehs, i am losing body fats(finally)! But my weight has been progressively increasing. With fat loss, i am assured that the weight that im putting on is nothing but muscle mass(not that I intend to gain any but if I do that's good I guess). Supplements that I am taking are helping to train harder and longer. Well, except today. I seriously had no motivation to train today so I just slip-shotly went through my program, run and then left for home. I have no idea why I am so lazy today. Oh wells. Anyway, those supplements that I am taking are leaving me seriously hungry at the end of each session. Heck, I even almost fainted once due to lack of sugar in my blood. Damn, big weights, big eats.

Well, hopefully, something comes up or along so that I finally have something to look forward to once again.

The good things about procrastination is that you always have something planned for tomorrow.

I guess relegation comes naturally to me. Well, not naturally in a sense that I am all accepting it wholly. But naturally as in consistency. Hmm...maybe I should use consistently instead...not that it matters much anyway.

So I've been told that I am going to be playing in the 2nd team from here onwards until my tackling actually improves. Very well done. Is it really in human nature to spot only the mistakes that one commits? What about the rest of the time that everything was done perfectly? Out of the 99%, the only time i was observed was the 1% and that was when the mistake occurred. This is simply FUBAR.

No matter, i shall stop bitching about it all. I know that i am better than that. Everyone knows that. On that day, I'll make sure that each and every tackle of mine will make the crowd go "whooooooooooooooooooooooa"

Guess that isn't the only department which I am being relegated in.

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step, and a lot of bitchin'

As history repeats itself

Today was no exception to what happened 3 years ago. It was the night when I lost my "wife" in Taiwan. It was a big case and I was punished for it. I was sent to a place where no one in the right frame of mind wants to go. Memories or rather nightmares started to unfold itself in my mind as I zoomed off to go get it just now. 120km/h on Malaysian road is scary. But it was for the sake of me being able to return back to Singapore-legally.

The funny part was I was entirely calm through it all. The feeling was akin what I felt 3 years back. Normally, people would get all kancheong about it. But no, I was the calmest one amongst the company of thousands. Imagine this, I calmly went up to my c0mpany's OC(Officers in Command) and told him what happened. I couldn't believe that I actually laughed at him when he jumped! The laughter didn't last long as he lifted me off the ground and asked me where I last left it.

They say that those who are the calmest during a crisis are those who actually have no vivid imagination at all. Perhaps, it's just within me to remain at my calmest when trouble starts spewing it's ugly truth into my face. Impending death, impending prison, impending whatever...I have never been so calm before except to when those things(bad things) are real possibility.

No matter, I am still disappointed with myself for being so absent minded then and tonight. I guess I need to be extra careful with all that. Heck, I'm going to take the lessons that I've learnt. The important lesson learnt tonight is that if I have no passport, I cannot go home. Yeah...

It is the calm and silent water that drowns a man

Its overrrrrrrrr

Well,this semester is over. I'm supposed to be relieved that I sat for the last paper of this semester, but I'm not. There's no, "Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh" coming from me but just "haiiiiiiiiiiiiiiizzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz".

I think I really did badly this time around. Fancy having a mental block at the crucial moments. Dammit!

Anyway, the trip to school was quite...something. I took the small road to school because I saw that the expressway was rather "congested" and I hate not being able to cruise carelessly without having to be on a constant lookout for traffic. Then at the junction, I passed by the cemeteries. My grandfather is resting somewhere in those grounds. Yes...IN...LITERALLY. Then I started to think about him. He passed away in 1993. I was only 6 then. Though I'm supposed to have known him for at least 6 years of my life, i dont remember much about my earlier years. All i know is what my parents told me- how my grandfather and my grandmother(when she haven't suffer from the stroke yet) took great care of me and my elder brother. We were simply a handful. BUT that is for another time.

Anyway, when my grandmother fell ill, he took care of her really well. That was despite the fact how demanding and choosy she was. When we came over and create trouble, never did he scold us. Except for that one time...the day before he passed away. Ok...now im beginning to think that it was us who caused his death. He did die of a heart attack...shit. Anyways, his patience amazes me till this day. It is indeed patience within patience.

I don't know but the thought of him as i zipped past the cemetery made me ___________. It didnt help that the song "what's my age again" was on and i tried to sing along...but _________. Yeah.

Anyways, after the paper, I rushed home, expecting to find all that i was expecting to be there by then. But, i had to wait another half an hour AFTER i got home before they finally arrived. Yes that's right...S-U-P-P-L-E-M-E-N-T-S. Yeah...I just realized that I order sooooooooooo many that I dont know which one to take first. Well, basically I got myself :

1. Whey Protein Isolate
2. Amino Acid Injector (not literally)
3. Joint Support Pills
4. Creatine
5. Adrenol

Yeah, basically, that's all i got and i got it for less then $200! I got myself a real sweet deal! So today, I tried to see if they were any good to me. Turns out, I couldnt really tell the difference because it's been such a long time since i've been to the gym. All i know was that I wasnt ready to go home just yet even though I've been in the gym for more than an hour-sweating profusely and out of breath. I WANTED MORE!! So I did wheelbarrows. We would walk(on our hands) for about 10m or so up to a stack of stepping-boards and would walk up sideways as the steps got higher. Awesome. I wasnt done just yet, but they had to go anyway. So, I went along with them. It's alright, tomorrow shall be another day of balls-to-the-walls training.

Hmm, i need a pair of new boots. Mine is tearing apart already. Dear Adidas Predator, why did you tear up so quickly? It's not like I bought you at some cheapo store or a pasar malam. I bought you at the damn adidas shop and you still tore apart after less than a year of service.

I think i shall experiment with other boots even though i've had adidas throughout my entire rugby life. And lately, it's been one adidas predator to another. Perhaps, just perhaps, it's time for a change...Mizuno? Lotto? Hmm..

I cannot believe Im writing out trivialities here. Perhaps, its time that i do? I think i just made my blog sound as if it was written by some girl(no offense!) or something like that. Either way, i really doubt that anyone would want to read this. Then again, I've lost my muse. Then then again, it's really a poor excuse (that rhymes!).

I think i shall stop here before i mutilate my blog further. Hehs.

Failure is another steppingstone to greatness.

Magic Hour

Need I say more?

Happy are those who dream dreams and are ready to pay the price to make them come true

Eid

Hari Raya Haji was rather interesting. Well, it seems that way to me anyway. Had the whole family at the house and guess what? For Hari Raya Haji, we had a durian feast! Yeah..all 27(or was it 32?) durians shared by 20 people. Other than that, it was food galore at my house. 5 families= 5 different kinds of food. Yeah, not dishes but 5 different kinds of food. Let me recall- there was Bone Steak, Roti Girai, Bryiani, lots of kueh(or kuih as the white man prefers to call it) and yes, Durian. I probably forgot what else was there but everything went through my digestive system as planned this morning. Yeah...

One thing about that day is that everyone takes it like any normal day. To the layman, its simply a celebration of sacrifice. Hmm..one does one celebrate sacrifice? I mean, sacrifice isn't a good thing to have to begin with. But it is in God's will that we do such a thing for the sake of God, and his creations. Yeah. What i just mentioned is probably a misconstrued version of it all but that's because I am in no current interest to explain further in this space. Come talk to me and i'll explain further.

But one thing that I do for this day(and also Hari Raya Puasa aka Aidilfitri) is that I take time to reflect all that that has happened over the past few months or years. I'll think of the people I've lost-my paternal grandparents and my cousin. Then I thought, why wasn't i able to cry at their passing? Is it because they didn't have that much impact on my life? That's not true. My paternal grandparents took care of me and my elder brother while we were still babies(though i do not recall it but have seen it through the pictures that were taken). So yeah, they kinda raised us up while my parents were at work. And throughout our toddler years, my cousin and my aunt took care of us especially when my mom was about to give birth to my younger brother.

Till this day I wonder if i am even capable of even crying to of someone's passing. Heck, am i even capable of crying for others? I have no idea. But as the saying goes, " Do not be sad for the passing of a person, rather be happy that you have actually had the time to know that person". Those are not the exact words but words that I have appropriated according to my own memory. Yeah, i have rather bad memory EXCEPT for certain things. Things like ___________. Those who know me well enough would probably be able to fill up that blank space with an entire paragraph(at least) of things that I have a good memory of.

But yeah, after Friday Prayers, we went to visit my granddad's grave. I actually got to drive around the cemetery looking for the grave because my brother got tired of driving around looking for it. We went reaaaaaaaallll slow looking for his grave amidst a sea of graves. When we got there(eventually), I looked at my dad for any signs of grief or sadness. His face was as calm as ever. No signs of distraught. Then I thought to myself, how am I going to react when I am at his age, and when i am visiting his grave? That was when IT happened. To whoever is reading this, go watch the movie BIG FISH and you will know what IT is. Thankfully, being an IFF meant that nobody can see through it all.

It's deeply etched in my mind. Morbid thoughts if you may. But right now, what i need to do is to spend as much time with my family as possible. Time is of the essence here. Everybody's aging-the rate of aging increases as the society progresses. I have actually set aside some goals for myself which i have to achieve for them. Hopefully, just hopefully, they will all come true.

What i was told yesterday by my latest cousin-in-law:

"Why does your face look like that? You look like you have got no future or something"

'The heart has its reasons which reason knows not of'

One at a time...

Slow is smooth, smooth is fast

I've always liked that phrase a lot. Taught by the Americans when I was over there for training. Guess that kinda works for me well nowadays thought it was used to teach me Urban Ops. Why is that so? Well, usually, we would chiong whenever we do something(or anything for that matter). No one would actually take the time to sit and think what would that action result in. Oversight, as i would call it, happens so much that we eventually lose sight of what we set out to do in the first place. Solution? Stop and smell the roses...enjoy the journey not the destination. Because how we get there will determine where we get to eventually.

That in itself pertains to how i deal with things or view things. For me, I'd take things one at a time. Yes. One at a time. Like (again) what i was thought, deal with one problem at a time. If you try to deal with the ENTIRE thing(or problem for that matter), it's just going to leave you dazed and shell-shocked. I was once "forced" to take sports psychology before i got kicked out of the national team. One of the best thing I've learned about it is to concentrate on your own actions first because that is the only thing that you can actually control. Most of the time, we'd get frustrated because people do not do things the way we want them to. It's vice-versa as to what they feel about us too. After all, people's actions are beyond our control. We can influence them yes! But controlling them(or trying to) will only bring problems and cause you greater frustration. It'll only antagonize the problems even more. Nothing will be solved.

A samurai maxim goes, "allow your heart to remain at ease, and destiny will lead the way to accord with others". We are often troubled especially in this department. Not know what to do or how to do it especially when the problem presents itself right smack into our faces. Well, a little bit of a life story here of about 3 years back. I was given 2 choices. NUS or NTU(SMU rejected me with a smiley face...basket..)? Well, I went for the interview for my spot in NTU first(which i got an acceptance letter soon after). NUS kept asking me when i wanted to come down for the interview. Funny thing was, they held on onto my spot for quite some time. They kept rescheduling my interview date all the way till July. I eventually told them this,

ME:Never mind i guess. Give my spot to someone else.
Admin. Officer: Really ah? You sure or not?
ME: Yeah..i guess. I really got no time for the interview. They (my instructors in SISPEC by then) don't want to release me for the interview.
AO: Like that one ah? Aiyah...OK OK. If like that, I'll take it that you rejected your place OK? But if you want to apply again, have to wait until next year.
ME: Yeah okay. Thanks and sorry to trouble you for so long.
AO: It's okay lah boy. By the way, do you any other place in Uni or not?
ME: Yeah..I got a place in NTU.
AO:OK OK. Good lah like that. Don't have to worry so much. Okay, thanks for letting us know.
ME: Sure..bye
AO: Bye

All this happened without the knowledge of my parents. I doubt they would understand a thing about all this. Well, lack of a role model (aka elder brother who walked the same track)can be accountable for their for their "ignorance". Truthfully, I am the first in the ENTIRE family to have made it this far. Yes, NIE doesn't count even IF it's called a Bachelor in...something something...yeah. So, I could only rely on my friends by asking them what's the best choice or what. Majority told me to go to NUS. But whenever that option was thought off, i felt rather uneasy of that choice. That's why i eventually choose NTU. Yeah..my life story! Whoopdido!

On a side note, I actually HAD the choice to book out to go for the interview. My instructors kept asking me, "EH! (everyone in camp had the same name then) When is your interview?" I'd keep keep making up excuses and all about them having not getting back to me yet and all that. But yeah..I guess, letting your heart remain at ease and eventually you'd get where you are supposed to be.

Well, i write too much again. I guess i better get back to work. After next Monday, it'll be balls-to-the-walls training for me for the month. Hopefully, just hopefully, I'd be back to good shape by January.

For every dark night, there's a bright day after that, so no matter how hard it gets keep your head up, stick your chest out and handle it

Annoyance

It's really annoying to know what you wanted to write, thinking it's going to be epic(or so I thought it was going to be) but when you actually get to do it, it just dies down. Well, that happened to me twice today. During the paper, and now. Oh wait! I just remembered what i wanted to write.

Well, during the paper, i don't know why it happened but it happened anyway, I started thinking of DB. Yes. DB-Detention Barracks. Whenever I tell someone that I've been there before, it would be common for them to react in bewilderment, shocked and then hurl wonderful language at me for having gone such a thing.

Imagine this, the size of a typical HDB flat. That's quite small right? Yeah, cut that into quarters. Take 3/4. That is the size of a cell for first time offenders. I can still remember my prisoner number. I can still remember how the food tasted so terrible that going hungry was so much better than to stuff "food" down my throat. I remember the milo tasting like plastic. I can still remember how i can only see that day was day and night was night;not knowing what time it was.

That certainly was the lowest moment of my life. Till now, each time I am about to do something, I'd think twice because I NEVER WANT TO BE IN A PRISON CELL AGAIN! Ok..so it was just 3 days. Try sitting in your bed room for 3 days straight with a constant body/medical check everynight where you're stripped naked and have to perform a sequence of movements so that the Doctor can see if there is anything wrong with you.

The worse part of it all, I had no clue what time it was. An hour lasted for an eternity. I was lucky to have cell mates. Despite all my efforts, they still choose to address me by my rank. But yeah, them being in there with me was for unfair reasons. I really do hope they're doing fine. We talked for hours on end(or so I thought). We then exchanged stories with others from other cells only to be interrupted by the guard. We quieten for awhile before talking again. It was the only thing that we could do. Talk, hear and listen.

My story for being in there pales in comparison to theirs. It wasn't like we were bragging about it or anything. In fact, when they asked for my reason of being there, everyone laughed. Even the guards laughed. But I felt that them being in there was unfair to them for reasons which i will not state here.

All these thoughts flooded my head while I was doing my paper. I don't know why it suddenly dawned upon me, but yeah, that got me stumped. All I know is that I now hate being indoors. I hate being in a place where there is no windows, no sunlight. It was a nightmare yes. Till this day, I have no idea how I've managed to be so composed about it. Hence, stumped!

Buddies

I think I've lost my muse. If it wasn't for some random thoughts, this space would be left vacant. But I shall fill it nonetheless with trivialities.

Firstly, my heart aches to watch that fateful day on YouTube. Yes, the finals of SUNIGs. It's always heartbreaking to be watching your own failures and even more so to know that it's available for me to replay it as and when i want to. BUT as i have been taught by numerous people whom i have called teachers, instructors, friends..there is always a take-away from all that has happened:good or bad. For now, it seems like i have a mountain of an obstacle to overcome to prepare myself mentally and physically for the rigours of the Tri-Uni rugby and also for a season ahead with recs rugby. All i know is that I'll be pounding till my last breath once the exams are over...every sweat will be one born out of sheer hard work and passion. Like the saying goes, ability is having the know-how on how we do things; attitude is how we do it.

On the personal side, i think i really do suck at relationships of all kinds. But yeah, smoking does take away my thoughts from it. Well, its not so much of smoking but the company that i have when i do that. I guess one thing about me is that i laugh my hardest when things are down...soon it'll all that misery will just disappear....hopefully. It's just like how I'm the most active when I'm really tired. I remember a point when that happened but once i hit the sack, i slept for 18 hours straight. I felt really shitty after that because my body isn't able to take more than 6-8 hours of sleep. I will feel....trippy? Hehs.

Well, 2 more papers to go for this week. I've never felt so tired in my life ever. But i shall persevere despite all that that is happening. Like what i've been barked at a million times maybe, "DONT SHOW ME YOUR SHAG FACES!!! LET ME SEE YOUR TEETH!!!" With that, I would smile my hardest, carry on with my task and soon, everything will be alright.

I dont know why Im still having those weird but nice dreams..

Night lights

I guess, one of the things that I especially love the most are night rides. It's the feeling of having cold wind blasting into your face and awesome music blasting into my ears that really sets the mood as to how I ride. Well, tonight was no exception. Clear roads+awesome music=150km/h on the expressway from school all the way home. I'm thanking my lucky stars that nothing went wrong with that even thought it was kinda stupid of me to be doing that sitting upright(leaning into the wind and onto the bike rectified that). I almost got thrown off my bike when the bike suddenly picked up speed due to the opening of the valve. Slowing down wasn't an option then with supermassiveblackhole blasting away. It didn't matter that I was really cold. All I felt tonight was speed and sound that made my surroundings surreal.

Anyway, thanks dude for crapping out with me tonight. Although it was kind of gay for two guys to be lying down on some parapet/stairs/floor and gaze at the stars while we puff the night away, it was indeed something. Well, it really felt like 'clubbing' where we could talk about everything and anything. But, I realized that I have been very selfish in every conversation that I am in. I should listen more. And the word 'listen' is really an anagram to 'silent' if you really think about it. Well, I should really be doing more of that from now on.

I hope I didn't offend anyone at supper with my silence. I just don't do too good in a big crowd. I guess i'm really a one-to-one kind of guy instead of a group conversation. Yeah...maybe I just didn't feel like talking. Well, everyone took it that I was just tired from a whole day spent in school. Let's just leave it as that. In any case, I really do hope that this stupid fever subsides soon as I don't want to be feeling all shitty during the 3 days of onslaught.

I don't know why i am but i do

Time Out!

Time is what keeps everything from happening all at once

Time is an interesting concept that one can never truly have a proper grasp on. It's akin moving forward through space but without time, this can never be accomplished as all that will happen is that one will only be frozen in that space as a result of the non-existence of this catalyst.

One truly wonders why such a thing has to exist. It is indeed a beautiful existence. However, like yin and yang, for everyone thing that is beautiful, underlies a sinister truth.

Long before Man truly understood this concept, everyone was just living their lives the best they could. They fulfilled their need for survival, hunger and then their procreation. Day was day while night was night. To them, day meant light while night meant the absence of light. Light can be measured but darkness cant.

THEN! Some smart ass decided, " hey! let's build a sundial so that we know what time of the day it is!" Nobody really knows why he called it a sundial when it can't even be used to dial up the sun. For! They dint even have phones back then. Crap...

Well, after that, mankind decided that time was something that count be calculated, measured. Sciences have made so much progression that the thought of time travelling now sits comfortably in the (unsound)minds of renown physicist. Countless theories have been sputtered out from their brains. Is this man taking time into their own hands? In this sense, is man trying to take over something that is so natural, something God-given that Man is trying to play God? How did Man make the progression as something so blur, so unkempt, so carefree into something so calculative that they decided that everything, and i really mean EVERYTHING is to be controlled by them?

I've always had this quote in mind whenever I sit thinking(while crapping): "Books have knowledge, knowledge is power, power corrupts, corruption is a crime, crime doesn't(actually it really does. Its a truth that nobody wants to admit). So, if you keep reading, you'll go broke!

This quote, while being satirical, has some truth in it. From reading, man want acquire knowledge. It is in this sense of greediness that Man seek more and more knowledge up to the point that they've(some of them) have been misled into thinking that they actually have the power to change things to their own favour. In reference to my other post, Man by nature are selfish beings indeed(I still have yet to extend on it due to lack of feedback and ideas). In this state of selfishness, we have decided to take things into our own hands and decided that WE are the ones who shape the face of this planet. Then again, do we really? Who in this world has the ability to stop the pains and suffering on this earth? No one really. Albeit, that would be the only thing that Mankind has been gifted to do, nobody really cares about the pains of suffering of others. It's like giving a beggar a penny, he'll ask for a dollar; give him a dollar, he'll ask for a hundred more; give him a hundred; you'll just end up being robbed and take his place instead. It is this sense that selfishness of man takes over in the manifested form of greed.

So why is it that Man are taking pains from merely calculating time, to prediciting how things are going to be like and went on further in trying to change time itself? Afterall, everyone is moving forward. Time progresses with every action that we take; hence the existence of the XYZ axis(dear "clubbing" buddies, please explain to me what each axis stands for). Is Man trying to go look far ahead into the future and see how things are like hoping to see the richness that have dreamed of? Or see what despair awaits them in hopes of actually changing their present habbits to actually reroute their destiny. In doing so, everyone has forgotten the impending doom that awaits everyone in their sunset years： death.

Alas, Man has become so calculative so much so that they have they have economically defined time in every aspect of their lives. 'Spend time' has become an important aspect in our daily lives. Everyday, we are chasing hopelessly to do just that either with one's self, someone special or just with a group of friends. In this sense, has time been economically rationalized? Are we no different from Mr. I-am-smartypants-because-i-have-invented-the-sundial? Being calculative seems synonymous with being economical(no, not in the thrifty sense).

While we are chasing so desperately to 'spend time' with someone, I(while crapping) have come to realization that Man(not being a C in MCP here by the way)are actually trying to grasp on to a time lost forever. It's like dropping a needle into the ocean. You will never be able to recover it unless you try extremely hard. But even when you do such thing, you'll soon find yourself exhausted from the search and eventually give up OR you soon find yourself consumed by the ocean. In that sense, Man eventually gave up doing just that and the idea of time travelling eventually gets translated into meaning wanting to travel into the future. The real meaning gets consumed by levels and levels of denial(IT IS more than just a river in Egypt) that it eventually became an accepted truth.

It is in that sense that Time has become a concept so misunderstood that Man has taken the convenient route of merely making it something calculable and nothing more than that.

However, one can take the simple pleasures of time and simply enjoy what is happening right there and then. Magic hour. Its the time when the sun sets, only to be replaced by the moon which isn't as bright but still can afford to light up the night life just enough to slow things down for us all. In that magical moment, everything slows down considerably. Literally. As you are not able to see just as well in the dark, walking fast might just cause you to walk into a wall. Yeah..

But imagine this, during this one hour of your day, the sky burns up in the bask of orange glow. It is essentially a battle between light and darkness. While the light seems to be losing the battle, it does not go down without a fight. It lights up, in its last final moments of struggle, to a bright orange-ey sky; captivating any souls that seems to actually care, stop and notice it. Darkness, however, inevitably looms over and eventually wins.

However, the streetlights light up, combating the inevitable darkness, glowing up the streets, like little soldiers of the sun, on skirmishes against darkness. For while the battle may be over, the war isn't. In a few hours time, the sun will rise up again, combating the darkness away and winning the battle. Like a horror movie coming to an end, it never fails to light up the faces of newborns, oldborns and even those who are about to be 'was-borned'(too bad James Bond is spelled with a B-O-R-N else I could have included him as well).

If one decided to actually stop and stare, one can actually witness this magnificient sight no matter their location. Magic hour, as i have called it because it is indeed magical. It's mysticism lies in the concept of time because in 365 days of the year, one can only view it just as much(and if the rain clouds do not bother).


I have somehow lost my train of thoughts now. If you have anything to share with me about it, please let me know. All criticsm are welcomed with open arms, legs, armpit, ears, eyes, bags and just about everything else.

All these were thought off when I was taking a nice, long morning crap =)

Bad Ear

Relationships-- of all kinds-- are like sand held in your hand. Held loosely, with an open hand, the sand remains where it is. The minute you close your hand and squeeze tightly to hold on, the sand trickles through your fingers. You may hold onto some of it, but most will be spilled. A relationship is like that. Held loosely, with respect and freedom for the other person, it is likely to remain intact. But hold too tightly, too possessively, and the relationship slips away and is lost. (Kaleel Jamison)

I ha vent the slightest clue who this dude is, but what he said is rather true. Actually, its akin to all quotes that I've read on relationships of all sorts. Its just too bad that I'm still bad at it no matter what i do. Oh well, guess God has other plans for me and its just that he doesn't want to reveal them to me just yet. Guess this is what he meant by saying, "the greatness of a man lies in patience within patient".

Well, the year is almost(keyword almost) coming to an end. But all it seems so far that its not quite a year that I've actually enjoyed. Well, its not really a good year for me i guess and yes, it does have something to do with relationships.

Firstly, I've lost my love of 3 years due to some unforeseen circumstances. Oh yes, I simply did not see that coming. Guess she is kinda happy with the nephew of Ali Baba. I don't know if what I'm doing to her is causing her the same misery that brought about the breakup. Then again, she could have felt miserable just by being with me for the past 3 years. Hmm...am I really the bringer of misery?

In addition to that, I've lost friends too. Either through contact or otherwise. I guess, things are not meant to be. Then again, I'm just being too fatalistic sometimes. I guess I'm really not meant to be here or rather be in the company of people.

Truthfully, I'm still trying to adjust back into being a civilian. The best method in doing so: getting caught up it in. It's really a form of denial. 2006-2008 were indeed the best years of my life. No doubt there were ups and downs. But all in all, I was doing things well enough to make me realize that perhaps, just perhaps, it was really what I was born to do. For the first time in my life, I felt I was in my comfort zone; no matter how tough things got. It was a shame that I did not get to go to Ranger School. That would have really pushed me to my limits. That would have really showed me how much battering I can take before my body fails and how much more it takes before my mind fails too. Guess that wasn't how my life was supposed to be like.

Well, I guess i have to quit reminiscing as I know as of now, it wouldn't do anyone any good. But yeah, life right now really has kinda reached it's low point. Suprisingly, I'm not the slightest bit depressed or anything about it. I guess it's the lack of people to whine to that is causing this. Hmm..I should really stop doing that-the whining, moaning and bitching about things. But this is different! Im just sharing my thoughts. Hehs.

Well, I really should stop making so much enemies around me. It seems that such a thing inevitably happens to me quite a lot. Perhaps, I am indeed better off on my own. The benefits that it yields seems to be sprouting out like molds on in a dark, damped place:
1) I wont hurt others.
2) I wont prevent people from happiness.
3) I wont get affected by things like those.
4) I would make things easier for others as a result.
5) I could better concentrate on the task at hand.
6) Others would be able to better concentrate of their tasks at hand.
7) I wouldnt care less about what I do affecting other people.
8) People wouldnt have to care less if whatever i do would deeply affect them.
9) To not know something is to not fear something. To not fear it is not being able to be hurt by it.
10) People couldnt care less whatever i say.
11) i cant think of anythig more at the moment.

That list made me sound extremely selfish. Again, it's not meant to be and never will be. I guess what Im saying is that I should probably step aside from things to actually prevent them from happening.

Right now, Morrocco sounds really tempting. I dont know why i have a fetish with Morocco so much. It does seem like an interesting place to be at. But since its too far away from where my family is, I doubt I will ever want to live there while my parents are still alive. Plus, its near to where the world's poor are at. Maybe, just maybe, i can do some good there.

This is not a suicide note

Of humans and humanity

Human beings are essentially the most selfish beings on earth. Everything that is done, is done for the benefit of their own self. Let's begin with survival.

Survival simply means the continual living of a being under adverse circumstances. Synonymous with this would be fulfilling the desire to walk this earth and not ascend into the spiritual plane AKA dying. That itself is an act of selfishness as in order for a being to live, another being has to perish.

Survival itself contains thoughts of struggle. As it is generally known, resources are limited on this planet. Heck, it is limited on any other planets itself. So far, we have only known one source of resource that is self-replenishing: The Wind. However, in order to harness that energy, we need to build huge-ass fans and that costs a lot! Money in this sense is that resource which we have to struggle for to obtain in order to harness that so-called renewable energy. In this sense, is wind really renewable? After all, money along with human labour and materials are involved in the formation of such energy harnesser. Those are non-renewable. So is wind really renewable?

What I am trying to derive at here is that nothing is ever renewable if you think it through. Everything depletes eventually. EVERYTHING! It doesn't help that the activities of human beings are merely speeding things up even though it has been lobbied time and again that technological advances will soon save mankind. Will it really fulfil that prophecy? Or would it result in something that is the exact opposite of that? Right now, the only that is perpetual would be the doom of mankind along with all other living beings that will be dragged along due to this selfishness.

Nothing is ever done of out selflessness. Every act of kindness or courage seems to be in dire need of a reward in present times. The Singapore Kindness Movement has got people giving out flowers each time an act of kindness has been performed. The definition of that word has been so skewed that something so sincere now needs an incentive for it to be done. How can that still be termed as an act of selflessness then when the parties involved are fully aware that they MAY be rewarded for doing so?

A wise man once said, "Do not love because you're hoping to be loved. Love for the sake of loving". Alas, this does not exist as an innate ability for Man. Every little act of sincerity has been documented either in material returns or in history books. Sincerity would only qualify only if the act goes unnoticed by all others but by the parties involved. The actor should not receive any form of gratification except to acknowledge that He has done good. He mustn't even hope that his act of kindness would earn him a spot in Heaven. No. That would be selflessness.

I am aware that my thoughts are rather extreme. But when was the last time mankind actually achieve this? Usually, it requires a disaster of some sort to pull all Man together. They create an "Us" and "the other". "Us" are good people while "the others" are simply baddies who are out to get them at all costs.

Nonetheless, it is rather sad to observe that the true spirit of all humankind can only shine only in times of sadness. Selflessness takes over all rational thoughts. Even the thought of death has been erased as each of these heroes go all out to do the extraordinary. Saving a human life becomes an utmost priority while they neglect their own. As the Ranger School at Fort Benning teaches it's cadets, "Mission Comes First".

Again, I have failed to fully comprehend my thoughts as the best of them will only come to me when I least expect it: on my bike or during my runs with no way to pen it down. Perhaps God injected me with these thoughts for the sake of that being just it. But, I will strive to share it with others in hopes of others sharing their thoughts with me.

(Notice how many "I"s there are in the last sentence? That's right, I am selfish too in that sense. I am human after all)

i've got nothing to write. Tomorrow rugby! Blacks! Going Down! Be there!

Hhahahahahah. This is probably the shortest post ever!

My emotions took me over. I truly apologize to you, and your family. I'm sorry the girl who's tears broke my heart tonight.

Tonight, i die once over

Fortune Cookies

Whilst handing in my assignment to world's favourite professor who incidentally can read your fortune(or something like that), I received a personality check FOR FREE! This guy paid $1000 to learn such things. So, his "predictions" has got to worth something...something like $1000 maybe?

So, that guy told me what I am and what I have become by two things. My birth date and my signature. Actually, he hurried me to sit down after he saw my signature, as he told me that there is something seriously wrong with my just by looking at it. So, this sceptic did so and found out something.

THE SIGNATURE
My signature told him that I am very self-centred. All I can think about is myself and myself only. This happens even in the company of people. But at the same time, I like to keep things to myself. Not wanting to reveal myself to others. In a sense, he said that I am very protective of myself. Furthermore, he said that I struggling to get to the top. I am very mediocre in all that I do. No matter how much effort I put in, I can never reach the top. It's a struggle.

He topped it off by saying, " You better go and change your signature! Understand?"

THE BIRTHDAY
12021987. From just that, he came up with this matrix and a pyramid that somehow(keyword being somehow) tells him what I am really like. From just that, he breathed easy for awhile. This is what he told me. I have a very bad temper but it'll only lasts awhile. He then said that unless I start doing charity, I am going to run into a very big misfortune in life. He gave me 2 options for that: either I start donating money or I do charity with my words. I'm not quite sure how I'm supposed to do the second one, but I occasionally do the first one. Occasionally being I am not rich...so I give what I can, whenever I can.

He also said that I am going to flirt around a lot before marriage. Yeah...that's not that good is it? But notice the word "before"? =)

Then came to good part. Well, it'll make everyone feel good actually. He said that money or resources would come to me naturally. Said that I am hardworking and all and that's how they are going to come to me. He also said by the time I retire, I am going to own at least 2 landed properties. I wonder how true that is going to be. But I shall leave my life as how it is and see on how it goes.

In the meanwhile, I have to find myself a new signature. He gave me suggestions. I shall try it. Suggestions?

I fought it for a long time now
While drowning in a river of denial
I washed up, fixed up, picked up
All my broken things

'Cause you left me
Police tape, chalk line
Tequila shots
In the dark scene of the crime
Suburban living with a feeling
That I'm giving up
Everything for you
(For you)

Oh, oh, oh
How was I supposed to know
That you were oh, oh, over me?
I think that I should go
(Go!)
Something's telling me to leave
But I won't
'Cause I'm damned if I do ya
Damned if I don't

It took a lot to take you home
One stupid call
And I end up alone
You made up, dressed up, messed up
Plans I set in stone

And you may be doing
And I don't like dancing in the alley
With a streetrat night life
Can't keep living with a feeling
That I'm giving up
Everything for you
(For you)

Oh, oh, oh
How was I supposed to know
That you were oh, oh, over me?
I think that I should go
(Go!)
Something's telling me to leave
But I won't
'Cause I'm damned if I do ya
Damned if I don't

Make a fool of myself
When you hang around
When you're gone
I'm a match that's burning out
Could've been, should've done
What I said I was going to
(Said that I was going to)
But I never promised you
(But I never promised you)
Promised you, promised you

Oh, oh, oh
How was I supposed to know
That you were oh, oh, over me?
I think that I should go
(Go!)
It never took a fool
To see the things that I won't
'Cause I'm damned if I do ya
Damned if I do ya

Oh, oh, oh
('Cause you left me)
How was I supposed to know
(Police tape, chalk line)
That you were oh, oh, over me?
(Tequila shots in the dark scene of the crime)
I think that I should go
Something's telling me to leave
But I won't
'Cause I'm damned if I do ya
Damned if I do
Damned if I do ya
Damned if I don't

22/05/2007...army days. i missed that. 08/08/2007...i left for training. it was only a week later that i cld call home.






empty......

Why do i keep pulling myself down when things seems to be going up? The samurai maxim said: Allow your heart to remain at ease, and destiny will show you your path of destiny. I've tweaked that a little only because I don't exactly remember how its like. But how can I allow destiny to show me the way when my heart isn't at ease? Exams are not helping..at all!

I feel that being a student is just a phase in life. But then, learning is a lifelong journey. So far, in life, i've only received one wake up call. DETENTION BARRACKS! That told me that no one is invulnerable. Even the tank can be destroyed with the right ammunition. Even superman has his weakness: Kryptonite. Guess I'm no different.

What sucks more is that i tend to pull people along with me. No..that is not what was intended..at all! So i say to God, i say to everyone: SEND ME TO WAR! I WILL BE THAT RAGING SPERM THAT SETS OFF THE IMPREGNATION OF THE FALL OF YOUR ENEMIES! I'm better at that. Solo. No responsibilities except to MY OWN objectives, except to my own mission.

Life seems bad when there isnt a clear objective. Im lost...and i shall be forever lost till i get that. I shall be lying in wait...

i feel restless. i feel weird. i feel strange. something's missing. miss myself perhaps? i dont know. right now, im just writing rubbish. rubbish rubbish rubbish! what im writing is as mixed up as what im feeling right now.

its a nice weather. but i feel restless. something's not right. something feels like its not right. words cannot describe what im feeling. really. because if it did, i wouldnt be blabbering like this.

what's wrong with me? really....this sucks. maybe im just tired. dont know why im tired. dont know what got me tired. i need to find my center. samurai maxims are not working for me at all. i think im fat.

lots of gun fire going on. wish i was part of that fire fight right now. wish everything was back in 2007. no, 2006. wish it was the 8th of april 2006 all over again. i missed those days. i really do. days with no worries. days with people i was so comfortable with that i can call them brothers. 080406-060208...please come back to me. please.....i missed everything of that time period. everything! even the times that were tough. for ultimately, i know that no matter how tough things got, it will always end somehow. then, everything will be alright in the end because if its nt alright, it is not the end really applied. i could really use it.

i miss rushing to wait, waiting to rush. i miss spending the entire nite cleaning the rifle so that it would not fail me when i need it the most. i miss c32! i forgot it's serial number alr. this is bad. this is really really bad. i miss the nights with my men...my friends really. no...my brothers. i miss flying all over the world. i hate my life right now. i wish thhey would reply me soon.

things are so screwed up right now. but i shall not give up. right now, even i am not convinced when i tell others that i've been through worse. im not in my comfort zone right now. im becoming fat and unfit. i hate this. i do not want to age. aging means illness. illness means death.

everything is soooooooooooooooooooooooo FUBAR right now. everything........

moonlight

It's a full moon tonight. But it only shone for awhile. The moonlight got enveloped by the clouds after it's brightness covered the night, lighting it up with feelings and thoughts of hope. It's covering was a deliberate act caused by the wind.

Like all things, the wind cannot be seen but touched. Cannot be explained, just understood. Its the wind that causes changes. Its the wind that made the clouds move to cover that light. Winds causes changes; unknown things causes changes.

It's kind of like feelings. We cannot quantify it. We cannot see it except through physical manifestations which we CAN and WILL fake just to please others or ourselves. However, we know that its there. Somehow we've gone to accept it as it is; just like everything in this world that exists. It is through these physical manifestations that we've come to agree that it's existence cannot be thoroughly explained. It through these physical manifestations that we've learn to just understand them.

Being the corruptible beings we are, we cannot help but the change. It's this 'plasticity' that exists in all of us that causes us to be moulded time and time again. You'd be lying if you were to say that this attribute does not exist within you. For if you were to be adamant about it, then you'd be no different from a rock. Even then, God has attribute a rock with this through erosion. So, if a rock is due for a change, what makes you think that humans are not?

Change is a vague thing. You can only realize it when it is happening. It is within that moment that its taking place that you would be able to realize it that such a thing does exist after all. That is why I love my 'magic hour' so much. It is during this short period of time that you can see that even the night can turn into day; even the day can turn into night. Nothing is static.

Like the saying goes, " Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine". It's something mechanical, yet it can refuse us the change that we expect. This explains that change is not certain. Nothing is for certain on this earth. We all believe in predestination one way or another. But we work so hard to change that fact that we've become disillusioned of that fact that we are all going to end up in the same place in the end:6ft under.

I am not saying that I fatalistic in that sense. But to some degree, we have to accept this the way they are for whatever happens was probably meant to happen to begin with. As humans, we do not accept our fates blindly for it might lead us down the path of complacency as history has proven to us time and again. But no matter what, there is still this unknown force that might be able to divert or even redirect us from that path altogether.

This thing called 'change' is a mysterious force that works humans like clockwork. For if there is no change, there would be no progress. If there is no progress, there would be no sustenance. When we fail to subsist, we will perish. Change is the force that prevents our demise. Whether it is a good thing or not, its really up to you to decide. Again, this are just my opinions.

On Leaders and Leadership

What is a leader? According to one of the few definitions that I have, a leader is a person who gives the people a purpose. I agree that definition to a great purpose. But then, more questions pops up- Why cant the people give themselves a purpose? What are these purposes for? What purpose? What for? Questions snowball themselves for that particular statement. Questions that I ask myself and others around me often.

To me, leadership simply means the ability to lead. Or rather, combined with that particular statement, the ability or skill to provide the people with a purpose. For the sake of this topic, I shall define purpose as a direction for all to follow. So all in all, the leader shows everyone else the way to go. But does that mean that he(or she) will show how to get there? When we will get there? What to do to get there or what to expect when we get there? Why we get there? My answer to all those question is-yes.

Yes, the leader does all that and more. A leader points in the direction to go, tells the people what to do, shows them how to do it and finally brings them in that direction with 2 simple words that would instil a foreign feeling into everyone. That feeling that burns up inside everyone is called courage. That courage to go, no matter what the circumstances might be are, "follow me!" Those simple words are enough to make anyone follow the leader and achieve the task at hand no matter how dire the situation might be. Circumstances are varied and hence nobody can predict the outcome of their actions. In a moment of folly, it could mean their demise. In a moment of brilliance, it could mean ultimate victory. But this is unpredictable. Only the results of that actions will show. Only then will the people know if it was a moment of folly or a moment of brilliance.

But what gives the leader the right to do this? One of ways to explain this is authority. Authority is power given to the position. Hence, the person in that position has that power. But, what legitimises this? I shall get back to this when I have more time.

A soldier must do everything he can to win the battle and most of the things he cant

Tonight, there is a lone star. I've seen it with my own eyes. What does it mean? Where have the rest of the stars gone to? Did it disappear? Disappear with time? Time...right now that is a very fluid concept. Everyday, I would question myself, I would wonder in my prayers-where did all the time go? Then during moments like now, I question myself: Why am I asking this questions?

I can probably answer the last question and should answer the last question first. Memories flooded me when I saw Taipei 101 on TV this morning. I couldn't help it. I don't even know how the floodgate opened but it did. Yes, I am reminiscing about the times I spent in the army. 2 years, which indeed is a long time to many is just too short for me. It's like Einstein's theory of relativity; when you are spending your time with something good and worth it, time just seems to dissipate away into thin air. It's like dropping an ounce of of powdered (something) into 200ml of hydrochloric acid. It just dissolves in a matter of seconds: so fast that you sometimes fail to observe it notice that it ever happens. Everything seems rather natural.

Life. Is it natural? Time. Is it normal? According to theoretical physicist, we all move through this thing called the space-time continuum. Our insatiable thirst for convenience which means that we want everything to be quick. We want everything to be there and then when we get there. Our thirst for convenience is slowly causing our ultimate demise. Nobody realizes it. Everybody denies of this. This thirst of ours is shortening our journey through that space-time continuum. They call it the String theory and that in order to travel to the future, we are taking short-cuts. Long routes or rather normal routes are a passée now. You will deemed a cavemen(or cavewomen) if you ever did take the normal route. Old-school as they would call it.

I do have more to write...but it just isn't quite the time for that yet. Please, pester me to continue with this. I shall write more afterwards. Good Night

Relationships are all about a power struggle. Each determines who has the upper-hand via means and ways which would and most probably could hurt the other party mentally, emotionally and even physically. It is and will continue to be a prevalent phenomenon in society. It is never ending even after death as people become heroes, heroes becomes legend and legends becomes myth (myth becomes fables).

This phenomenon has resulted in the death of millions over the course of history. It is a battle, in the most literal sense, between two people fought by millions who identified themselves with the ideals of those two.

The question, why do we fight, prevails in my mind ever since I grasped the concept of that word: Fight. All in all, I've been involved in different sports that have defined that word accordingly. It has indeed become my world. So why do we fight? Right now, the term power struggle comes to my mind. Professors have taught me that people continually exist in conflict because of resources. God has indeed given us limited resources. However, in my ideals, he limited them not because he wants us to fight over it but because he wants us to share with each other. However, we fight over in and sometimes, we, human beings, use his name in vain just so that we could have a bigger bone than the other.

Survival. That is what most would say they why would fight. But why do we want to survive? I've read the definition of the word courage and till this day it puzzles me. Courage: being brave enough to die so that you can live. Well, that is one of the definitions that I've got from an anonymous soldier (of whom I presume is already dead). So do we all have courage? Many definitions of this word has penetrated my brain. All of which, I am proud to say that I agree with. Other's have defined it as suppressing one's fear just for moments more.

But where does this fear come from? I'd say that it is their fear of death. After all, it is the unknown and many fear the unknown. I would say otherwise; the unknown isn't to be fear simply because it is the unknown. Nobody knows the unknown and why should we be scared of something we don't know? Is it through the religious books that we've been exposed to since our conception(in my definition, conception comes about after we have come to realize our existence)? Perhaps it is our continual fearing of God that we have to struggle so hard to remain alive. As one genius once said, I will live forever or die trying! He contradicts himself, but that is the truth. And there is nothing stranger than the truth. Reality is indeed stranger than fiction.

So coming back to relationships being a power struggle. Is it our fear of losing? We all occupy that category. Even the homeless do. Even beggars do. Because if they don't why would they be begging in the first place? They need to eat so that they can fill up their stomach and stave off hunger. Hunger kills- literally! Even monks fear. They don't show it, but that doesn't mean that they don't have it. In this sense, they have what I would call courage.

Hence, in our fear of losing that power struggle, we would go out and do whatever we could to prevent ourselves from losing. Death is inevitable. Hence, this put us in a losing situation. Do we really have powers over our lives? I doubt so. I believe that whatever we do, is never because we are doing it for the greater good. Our choices, as I believe, has always been that of choosing between the lesser of two evils. As an optimist(as much as I want to be but can't seem to be), I would want to choose the one that I have never tried before. Life is short, I agree. So....why cant we just be contented with what we have instead of continually pursuing something so elusive and in the process push others down one rung lower. I have yet to come to the conclusion to the question: Why we fight? However, that is because my pursue is not over yet. Perhaps, that question will only come to me on my death bed because death is simply life's way of saying that you have had a good life, its time for someone else to enjoy it. Perhaps, it's God's way of teaching us how to share.

Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome. Unknown