We are the spark, that once would ignite a pilot light, burning deep in your heart

The few that remains by Set Your Goals has been ruling my playlist as of it. I'm not too sure what's gotten me to listen to this song over and over again but it doesn't ring some truth in my life- proving others wrong when they think that I can't.

Lately, I've been watching a lot of war documentaries. Wars and conflicts has always fascinated me in this profound way. Even after serving in the army, I can actually explain what it is that fascinates me. This alone is enough to label me as some sort of a war junkie which I can assure you I'm most certainly not.

Perhaps this fascination comes from the fact that a crisis or conflict can really band humanity together. It's weird isn't it that we can't do it peacefully but need something horrendous such as this before we try to achieve any form of humanity. Perhaps the show of humanity is only pervasive through inhumane acts.

But why the need of such cruelty? Each time I watch those documentaries, I can see how even after years the events that took place is still vividly seared in the minds of the veterans. Like a world war 2 pilot said, "let me take you on the flight to Berlin" as he goes on to describe his experience on that ill-fated flight which didn't end so well for his friends.

Why do we need impending doom of any sort before we decide to bring out the best in us? Why can't we continually live and love? This whole thought is ironic coming from someone who does forgive but not forget.

Perhaps we need a vehicle to progress the good in us. Without such impetus, we would just accept what is status quo.

Perfection...

...through silence

But there's still tomorrow forget the sorrow

With just a few days to go before I end this chapter of my life, I couldn't help but thing how different things would have been if I had signed that document. Many times, I have felt that I do not belong but I press on knowing it would certainly make my parents proud. My dad has been constantly asking when is the convocation ceremony. It seems likely that I am the only one in the entire family who would actually have a degree. Not out excuse but purely by merit. Sure there are many who will look down on what I have achieved but it is an achievement after all. I can only hope that my children will progress even further.

More often than not, I feel out of place. Gone is the face that used to scare many only to be replaced by a rounder one. I most certainly did not see this coming. My friends used to call me "garang" or "siao on". Towards the end, I even got promoted to just "siao". My subordinates would call me "the robot" for my lack of intimacy with them. But it certainly got things done.

I miss the smell of gun powder with a mixture of cigarette smoke smell at the end of each battle. The only "spoils of war" that anyone would only hunt for would be a shade to rest under as well as some water to quench their thirst. They were lucky that I do have the time to drink so much because they usually run out of water by then.

The constant sound of friendly machine gun fire was enough of a morale booster to push us on way beyond any human limits. Lately, I am more tired than anything. These past few weeks have been rough. Physically and mentally I am drained out. I am nothing but the shell of my former self. This is the person who used to be able to run 5km in under 20minutes. Once, I even clocked 15 minutes flat, a feat I have never been able to repeat especially after I am parachuted into the civilian world.

I have resigned to the fate that I will never be able to do any of that again especially after being rejected again and again. Those were the days where I would ace at everything I did. While many found themselves pushing hard just to make the bare minimum I was, for only that period, in my comfort zone.

Nothing could ever replace that. I tries to find another outlet ever since 2008. Rugby never quite proved to provide me with what I need. So I remain angry and restless. The only solace that I can find in this life is trying to be nice to others. But my kindness usually gets mistaken for my weakness. Time and again, I sometimes feel redundant of not a hazard in the life of others. Sometimes I wonder if the only changes I bring to others is for the worse. I do not belong here and prolly never will. I am sure there are others like me whose only intention is to bring comfort to the live of others because we have been through much worse.

I despise those who claimed to have served the nation even though they have never knew what its like to be donning green. Worst are those who ridicule us for what we did. We live in a society that does not appreciate its warriors. For those who have ridiculed many like me, you will never know the true meaning of valor and honor. The them, what they went through is a liability because they are a liability and hence they were denied from donning green. They have defiled the true meaning of serving one's nation.

We do not "play war in the jungles". The only reason why these boys in blue have a job is exactly because we "played war". They wouldn't have country to "keep safe" or to rescue others if it wasn't for us.

I am lost.

Shouting at the mirror, trying to find a hero

Lately, I've been getting that awful feeling that I've already grown. For me, I've never paid a visit to any of my relatives without my parents. But a trip down to my gramps in the premise of running errands for my mom changed that. Having my grandma telling me how hard it is to be old is especially heartbreaking with her tearing up as she's telling me about it. This is the grandma who never quite liked my dad when my mom chose to marry him nor did she quite like me and my brothers when we were young. Now, it seems like I'm in pole position for favorite grandson.

I'm not sure what it is about me or the effect that I have on many but it seems very easy for them to open up to me. So I stayed for awhile to listen having not sure what to say or how to react.

Maybe, just maybe that is my purpose on earth. I'm not sure what it really is because all the things that I have a liking for turns out to be a fruitless pursuit. Then again, God doesn't give us what we want but what we need. But I just can't seem to land on what I need. Perhaps it's not exactly what I need. So I stay patient and push on to hopefully finally realize what it is that I actually need.

I guess, I have been reliable to many. I'm basing this on the feeling I get from others based on my actions. My secondary school teacher has always told me to do good whenever I can while I still can. My mom has taught me that it's ok if you suffer as long as you are able to bring joy or comfort in the life of others. I guess this is why I don't seem to be able to quite find others who are reliable when I need them so. Friends wise, I know tons of people. But having a steady bunch whom I can even call best friends is still far from even manifesting even at its most simplest form. Maybe I am destined for the life of a lone wolf. Maybe not. But as this very juncture, I am still unsure.

It feels as though my presence is some has brought nothing but misery. No prizes to guessing as to why I don't really put in that extra effort to actually get close to anyone. When you get close, you'd get hurt. The closer you get, the higher the chances of you getting hurt. That hurt comes from how much I am affecting the lives of others. In a bad way at that. Being up on this rooftop by myself gives me some closure on things. This is where I can to talk to myself and also to god. I do not ask why im in such a predicament nor do I ask what I'm getting out of this. But I do hope for some inkling as to what I am supposed to learn from all this. As to why I dream of such dreams.

All my life, I have mostly dreamt of nothing but fighting. Lately, those dreams are becoming more frequent and more real. Yet, I do not know what it is I am fighting or who. All I know is that I am fighting for people- to protect them from the impending harm of which I have no clue what it exactly is. Lately, those dreams are getting more and more real- I even feel the pain. Sometimes, when whatever it is that I'm fighting does get to me, ill find myself with some scratches on myself. Thankfully, that has not happened for quite some time recently. However, I am not quite able to remember what it is I dream the moment I wake up except that I knew I was fighting.

Other times, I'd just dream of some random things. Maybe it's to do with what I've experienced over the course of my day. But every time I wake up, I wake up with this realization that I've learnt something new- be it in terms of me know how to do something or just that sudden availability of knowledge which I have not even attempted to acquire over the course of the day.

What I do need to learn right now is even more patience. It is undefinable that particulate tank is exceptionally vast. But I haven't the slightest clue why I'd burn it up do fast these days. Maybe I could perhaps attribute it to my frustrations as to which I am pretty sure will deplete slower once I am able to recognize it in order to deal with it accordingly. Right now, it's that frustration that maybe, others can really rely on me to be able to depend on me and that a reversal is not quite possible. Once I am able to accept that, I should be able to take things in a better stride and deplete my reservoir of patience slowly.

Patience is what I need to learn.

It's the way you do the things you do that makes me fall in love with you

Each morning's ride to work presents a 20 minutes worth of serenity to me. That is ironic because the ride to work is actually through annoyingly heavy traffic and that results in a lot of squeezing through traffic at high speed for me in which I have to remain constantly alert else I might become part of the statistics. Now try imagining me saying all of that in just one breath.

During this morning's ride, I found myself thinking about how much time has actually flew. Going back to my JC for a runabout game of rugby made me realize how old I've gotten. One of the signs that initialized this realization was that one of my men, one who served with me in the army, was actually running one of the food stalls there. I said initialized because that was the beginning of many realizations. A long chat with my teacher there made me realize how much older everyone is getting. In the blink of an eye, he has already passed 40 although he doesn't look like he has aged one bit. A lot of our teachers are going to retire by the end of the year and my very own form teacher has actually already passed on. On top of that, friends or ex-schoolmates are either getting married or are already married. Some girls from my secondary school already have kids! Although my inital reaction would be to question their haste in doing so, that only leads back to me in questioning about the time that has passed.

A conversation with chubs left me speechless to know that it was actually more than 10 years ago since I was actually a secondary one student. And I though secondary school went by quickly! Time and again, I have to remind myself that I am already 25 and if I do make something out of myself now, I will forever be late. Then again, I have always considered myself a late bloomer.

So on this fateful morning, I wondered about what I have done with my life. Just about all the things that I have ever done before, I have always considered my 2 years in the army worth mentioning. Sliding down the mountains of Taiwan, trekking through the dense forest of Brunei and even having the chance to see the Northern Lights are some of the experience that can never be replaced by anything else no matter how good things get. Then again, no one experience can exactly replace the other.

I did a lot of things than I can or have ever mentioned in those 2 years. Most importantly, I did a lot of growing up. It is a pity that I am not able to continue on that path ever again. I genuinely loved what I did no matter how tough things got. I am always the first to volunteer for anything and if I don't, I get volunteered. I don't know if its because they hated me or they really trust me but whatever it is that needs to be done, I'll get choosen anyway. I am not exactly complaining about it because whatever it is that needs to be done, I'll rather do it myself than to watch others helplessly fail at it.

I suppose there are other things about my life that's worth mentioning about as well. Let's start from primary 1. I was in the Boy Scouts at the age of 7. My dad insisted that my brother and I joined because it'll help to build our character. I was actually excited to join but that excitement died down a year later when I was asked to join the school's brass band. So from the age of 8 to 9 years old, I managed to master the hornet, the trumpet as well as the trombone. Then I had to start all over again because switching schools meant that I spent lesser time travelling. To think that I went through all that "interviews" to becoming a prefect. Yes, as hard as it might sound, I was actually going to be a prefect. I guess my grades are decent enough. That and I was well like by everyone so the school plotted against me because they wanted people to hate me hence they decided to make me a prefect.

That opportunity did not come to me in the new school. Having to start afresh, first day of school was rather awkward and confusing. So much so that I joined the basketball team. Last I heard, the school's basketball team is actually doing quite well. But I soon got bored of that and somehow, out of sheer madness, I was made to join the school's volleyball team! This was after I asked to join the soccer team or the badminton team. The only reason why I wanted to was because they got to get out of class early whenever they had competitions- I really envied my friends who got to do that. But somehow, fact gets stranger than fiction. At first, I was made to join choir. Well, I guess at 10 years old, nobody really cares what a young boy wants or doesnt. Then, I joined the Harmonica erm...gang? Im not sure what they are called. Troupe? Band? Then the ultimate happened! I was made to join the malay dance troupe. That is the epitome of What The Fuck?! Well, I was the only other guy there surrounded by all the girls whom I thought were actually nice looking (not anymore since most are either fat, married or have kids by now).

So eventually, at 12 years old, I decided not to join anything and just have fun. That plus "koping" a lot of medals from the annual school sports meet. That habbit of mine went on until JC. Well, I guess I'll leave that as that for now. Shall document some more of my life soon. But there's only one thing that I have always wondered....why the hell are the girls my age married already? Isn't it too young or too early?