I'm not sure what it is about me or the effect that I have on many but it seems very easy for them to open up to me. So I stayed for awhile to listen having not sure what to say or how to react.
Maybe, just maybe that is my purpose on earth. I'm not sure what it really is because all the things that I have a liking for turns out to be a fruitless pursuit. Then again, God doesn't give us what we want but what we need. But I just can't seem to land on what I need. Perhaps it's not exactly what I need. So I stay patient and push on to hopefully finally realize what it is that I actually need.
I guess, I have been reliable to many. I'm basing this on the feeling I get from others based on my actions. My secondary school teacher has always told me to do good whenever I can while I still can. My mom has taught me that it's ok if you suffer as long as you are able to bring joy or comfort in the life of others. I guess this is why I don't seem to be able to quite find others who are reliable when I need them so. Friends wise, I know tons of people. But having a steady bunch whom I can even call best friends is still far from even manifesting even at its most simplest form. Maybe I am destined for the life of a lone wolf. Maybe not. But as this very juncture, I am still unsure.
It feels as though my presence is some has brought nothing but misery. No prizes to guessing as to why I don't really put in that extra effort to actually get close to anyone. When you get close, you'd get hurt. The closer you get, the higher the chances of you getting hurt. That hurt comes from how much I am affecting the lives of others. In a bad way at that. Being up on this rooftop by myself gives me some closure on things. This is where I can to talk to myself and also to god. I do not ask why im in such a predicament nor do I ask what I'm getting out of this. But I do hope for some inkling as to what I am supposed to learn from all this. As to why I dream of such dreams.
All my life, I have mostly dreamt of nothing but fighting. Lately, those dreams are becoming more frequent and more real. Yet, I do not know what it is I am fighting or who. All I know is that I am fighting for people- to protect them from the impending harm of which I have no clue what it exactly is. Lately, those dreams are getting more and more real- I even feel the pain. Sometimes, when whatever it is that I'm fighting does get to me, ill find myself with some scratches on myself. Thankfully, that has not happened for quite some time recently. However, I am not quite able to remember what it is I dream the moment I wake up except that I knew I was fighting.
Other times, I'd just dream of some random things. Maybe it's to do with what I've experienced over the course of my day. But every time I wake up, I wake up with this realization that I've learnt something new- be it in terms of me know how to do something or just that sudden availability of knowledge which I have not even attempted to acquire over the course of the day.
What I do need to learn right now is even more patience. It is undefinable that particulate tank is exceptionally vast. But I haven't the slightest clue why I'd burn it up do fast these days. Maybe I could perhaps attribute it to my frustrations as to which I am pretty sure will deplete slower once I am able to recognize it in order to deal with it accordingly. Right now, it's that frustration that maybe, others can really rely on me to be able to depend on me and that a reversal is not quite possible. Once I am able to accept that, I should be able to take things in a better stride and deplete my reservoir of patience slowly.
Patience is what I need to learn.
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