Once again, I've found myself asking. Where did I go wrong? What did I do wrong?

Charlie mike

Last night, in my dreams, I was 3-2 bravo again. I didn't want to wake up but I did.

What is it with me? The closer I get to someone, the scarier things get for me.

What am I really afraid of? Am I really afraid that they might hurt me? Am I afraid that I might lose them? Likely.

In my lifetime, I've lost too many people either through death or through erosions of the bridge that I've grown too scared to be connected. To scared that the connection might be lost somehow.

I am extremely adaptable. This has been proven to many and especially to myself as I get thrown into the deep end of a brand new situation. Yet, I am one who does not like changes that much. How I wish things could just remain the same. How I wish for a moment to last forever.

Does this deafening silence means nothing to no one but me

Couldn't sleep so I decided to take a night ride out to ease my mind. Ended up in jb since I needed petrol anyway with Swedish House Mafia blasting through the earphones all the way through. It's nice to have the roads all to yourself once in a while. Not having to deal with the nonsense we all know as traffic is rather therapeutic.

Now that I'm back on my bed, I'm just waiting for the effects of the painkillers to kick in. How I wish I wasn't allergic to those powerful ones. It's strange how my body only decided to develop allergies at the age of 24.

24...that was 2 years ago. Now at the age of 26, I don't think I am any wiser. Older maybe. I keep making the same old mistakes with procrastination being at the top of the list. Truthfully, I am a rather lazy person when it comes to a lot of things. So it's pretty amazing that the girlfriend thinks I'm quite disciplined. Well, maybe towards the aspect of gym. But that's only because its a place where I feel right at home.

Turning 26 was quite an affair. First, they brought me up a hatch then the next day, she treated me to a really "atas" restaurant- literally as pun is very much intended thank you. But then, it's not really what she treated me to or what she surprised me with. Honestly, it's because it's with her that made it into such an affair. So, halfway through last year, I gave up any hopes of getting another present just weeks after turning 25. I got an iPod, I got a dirt biking experience (which didn't turn out as well as I'd hope it would be) and the best part of it all, I got a video that she made. That video still makes me all warm, fuzzy and slushy inside whenever I watch it. Till this day, I can never match up to that level she has reached with whatever videos I've made for her.

I've come to this stage in life where I haven't quite accomplished half the things I would have liked. Firstly, I still don't have my ranger tab. The ranger course is basically a course where they make you do a lot of nasty things with no time to eat and only 3 hours of sleep a night for 65 days. After that, everything else will seem like child's play. At 26, I've never been to any wars. Don't get me wrong- I am no war junkie. But people who have come back from any conflict can testify the fact that they appreciate life and the people around them a lot more after coming back from a war zone. It's the fact that they've reached the brink of death that they are able to do so. The nightmares that they get serves them as a reminder to cherish those near and dear to them. At the age of 26, I don't think I'll ever get to experience that state of crisis.

Job wise, everything is only so-so as I go from one shift to the other. Slowly, my confidence is building up as I learn more things as I go along. I'm the sort of person who wants to figure things out for myself and don't take advice too kindly. Anyone who really knows me understands that part about me. Sure it gets frustrating. But blowing your top at me for being like that isn't going to help one bit. Instead, coaxing me into understand and accept what you have figured out helps tremendously. There are many who are like me.

And so here it is, me writing after a long hiatus. I haven't got quite the energy to write anymore as most of it is expended through the numerous reports I have to write on a daily basis- whether I'm at work or not. That plus a lack of inspiration who's clarity cannot be matched.

To trust, one must remain vulnerable. When one is vulnerable, one gets agitated and jumpy. You trust a person because they are trustworthy- until proven otherwise. Once proven otherwise, there is no turning back- you'd be damned for life. To trust, you yourself have to remain trusted. To be trusted, you have to trust- you have to remain vulnerable. But alas, it is something that you have to earn because the closer any two person get, the more vulnerable they thus be. Only way for the two to trust each other is for them to fight off everyone else as a team. To only way for it to work is to open up your friendly fire and the other one to be the kill that you're missing and you keep missing every single time.