What better way to reminisce about my ns stint than to do it with a pack of Marlboro Reds and a can of monster Alaskan style. Watching the movie, Ah Boys to Men, sure jolted feelings that I have long forgotten.
I still remember the day of my enlistment when my parents "abandoned" me- dad didnt want to go to the island and mom was too lazy to make the trip. Only my 2 cousins came along with me to see how Tekong was like. The first book-out wasn't quite a real one as it was for Good Friday. Plus, that Thursday was for an interview for a spot in NTU which I have somehow managed to drag myself through the 4 years. I still remember my first book out when buddies all have somebody waiting for them upon alighting from the bus while I, along with a few, simply headed straight for the train to make the long journey home. That aside, I still remember how proud I felt to be walking around in my uniform. But that pride didnt last very long as people moved away from us as we were deemed to be too smelly. I felt insulted.
I still remember how the movie somehow depicts what each and everyone of us went through- the personal stuff. It was a struggle for us all to adapt to that new life even if it was for a moment that would last 2 years. But moments like that sticks with us for the rest of our lives now matter how it may twist and turn.
The army life was an intended one. The plan was simple yet precise: sign on. Unfortunately, what was intended never happened. Right now, my life is an unintended one. I never intend to study sociology. I intended to study military science as well as psychology. I intended to take up a masters in international relations. I intended to make the army my career.
What happened instead was a series of unintended. Not that I can complain as to how life turned out for me. I got a decent job which pays out big bonuses. I've got a girl who loves me despite my nonsense. I saw life is pretty comforting right now despite it being the unintended one.
As for abandonment issues, I guess it's THE middle child syndrome. Everyone expects you to be able to take care of yourself no matter what. True I've lived up to everyone's expectations but being human, I do need the constant reassurance that I have somebody I can rely on, somebody I could fall back on should things go haywire. It's not easy to constantly be able to fix myself again but when the need arises, I am more than capable to do it. But to be taking that that I've stated is just a tremendously weary.
As for now, I have to live the unintended life. The only savior right now would be huishan. Guess if I had lived the intended life, I wouldn't have been able to meet her and have this life changing experience. So the fear is real.
