If you find yourself in love with a person who does not love you, be gentle with yourself. There is nothing wrong with you. Love just didn't choose to rest in the other person's heart.

Life seems to be quite a mess right now. I don't remember myself falling asleep watching TV at 10pm when I've got work to do ever. Professors are starting to ask about my whereabouts. And I thought they didn't know who I was. Well, guess I've left the wrong impression on them. I've got shit loads of readings yet to be done but no capacity to address such grievances.

In short, life's just a big pool of mess right now.

Sometimes, you can't despite wanting to want to know

It's just so me to do everything with my heart. I don't do something simply because someone wants me to do it. Well, perhaps they have influenced me to do so. But at the end of the day, if I do not find the value-addedness of something, I'd either do a slipshod work out of it or I'd not do it at all. I don't know if one is to classify that as a problem or a admirable trait. It doesn't matter because at the end of the day, I still feel that doing something sincerely will win no matter the odds that are stacked against me.

That said, when one tries to convince me out of doing something, the more I will want to prove them wrong; proving to them that it IS possible after all. The only way to show for it is to actually succeed in it.

Right now, it is difficult to put what I feel, what I know into writing. I guess, I have always been the "prove-it-through-my-actions" kind of person. I am sure that there are many others just like me out there. After all, one must always practice what they preach right? Anything short of that can (I suppose) conveniently be classified as hypocrisy. In simple terms: do walk the talk/ put the money where your mouth is/ bla bla bla/ na na na na na.

I still do not know how to go about posting a video on my space. So I guess I'm going to stick to putting up the links to these two videos which I feel are slowly shaping me into the person I'm supposed to be.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FAgbZdrWiN4&feature=fvst
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d5QD951eN58

For me, there exists two different people within a person. The person that they are, the person that they are supposed to be. Everyday, there's a deadly battle going on between those two within each and every of us. Some may demonize it. Some embrace it.

At the end of the day, I'd always stand corrected.

When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained

I'm not liking this at all. The further I go about doing this, the stronger the question gets. Everyone asks this questions time and time again. Some have forgotten to ask this question- they grew ignorant. Some asks, and then they ask what can they possibly do about it- and so they forget. Some ask, and keeps asking but don't do anything about it- others are still finding a way to do something about it. I ask, and am frustrated. I just wish there was something that I could do. Something that would end it all. The question?

What the fuck is going on in this world?

Lately, the main thing that has filled my mind is rugby. When I talk, I'd talk about rugby. When I sleep, I'd sometimes dream about rugby. When I eat, I eat because I've got rugby later on. It's rugby, rugby, rugby. It seems like this passion is slowly turning into an obsession.

But then, with all that I've gone(and possibly still going through), it seems to be the only thing that's keeping me, well, sane. I honestly can think of how I can live without it. Right now, it's one of the thing that keeps me smiling. Well, that and gym. But then, me going to the gym is because of rugby. It's a really good feeling to hear people complementing about how I look, how I play nowadays. It seems countless hours at the gym seems to be paying off indeed.

The gym is like playground to me. It's the only place that I feel real comfortable- having no inhibitions about anything. I have no worries..because once I do start worrying about something, it's time for me to get out. Each day at the gym is me taking on new (controlled) challenges. The day I broke into lifting over the 100kg range, i was extremely proud of myself. That was when I was 17. 7 years later, I'm slowly going back to that state.

No. Im not so much of a narcissist so I'm not really intending of building muscles and looking good. Those are just by-products of my hard work. The real intention is to grow stronger, faster and better at practically anything. But being 17, I was naive enough(or perhaps, lazy would be a better word) to believe that lifting weights was all I needed. National service shocked me into running as I failed my first IPPT in NS due to my 2.4km run. Can you imagine?? My timing was 12.36!!! Even the scrawniest of guys could run way faster that I did. But like anything else, it could be trained. And so I did. I managed to shave off more than a minute off my timing in just a couple of weeks by just taking part of the program. A couple months later, I was able to clock a sub-50mins for a 10klick run. On top of that, I was the still the go to guy for lifting heavy stuff. A 32 klick march saw me running most of the time, leaving the rest of the platoon trailing behind-half of which laughed at me when I timed at 12.36. Ahhhh! It feels so great to prove everybody wrong. This has nothing to do with me having an ego(or a big one for that matter).

Everyone deserves to feel good about their selves. That said, that cannot happen all the time either. There is always a balance to be found in everything that we do. If we chiong for only one thing, we'll soon find other aspects of our lives slowly fading or trailing away. It's a yin-yang situation our everyday lives. Can't do without this, can't do without that either. But then, it sometimes stretches us- too much sometimes that we're way past our breaking point. Personally, reaching a breaking point is a horrible thing to reach. What more when you go way past it? It's like even after reaching rock bottom, you'd realize that you can still sink further.

But, like everyone, I learn from my mistakes. I'd try to make up for it if I can. But if I can't i'll try to do something else like rugby. No one will truly understand why I choose rugby and stick to it till now. My secondary school teammates have all dropped rugby since they left secondary school. Only a quarter of my JC mates are still playing rugby. But each time they ask me whether I'm still playing- they'd expect me to say yes. For them, me saying that I've already stopped would be a real shocker as though they expect rugby to be part of me forever. Maybe it will...

My parents didnt like the idea of me playing rugby. From day one, they have protested and even staged strikes by not going to every finals that I've ever played. The finals of 2001 really crushed my heart when my parents decided that it wasn't an important enough event. Yet, each and everyone of my brother's fights were important enough for my parents to even take time off from work to attend. My grandparents clearly HATED the fact that I played rugby. The only reason that they gave me is that it's a very dangerous sport. Well, which sport isnt?

I guess, nobody will ever agree with me playing rugby- other than my teammates that is. But then again, no team is permanent. And my teammates are ever changing. So how?

I have come to the conclusion that my subjective account of my motivation is largely mythical on almost all occasions. I don't know why I do things

It seems that my blog has been sorta "popular" lately. I've been getting remarks by strangers whom I haven't the slightest clue who made those comments. I guess, the slightest amount of courtesy one could show would be to at the very least identify oneself because, honestly, anonymity annoys. If you dare to say something, do be daring enough to stand by your words at least. This isn't a declaration of insecurities of any form but then, if it's a (verbal) joust one is asking for, the gentlemanly thing would to at least make your presence known- whoever you are.

The week has been extremely hectic. I've been living deadlines after deadlines. Essays, presentations, weekly assignments...sigh. My workload has been piling up and left untouched. Right now, a shit load of readings awaits me.

Oh wells...life is already as shitty as it is. I just pray to God that it just doesn't get any worse. Right now, the FFL seems extremely tempting.

Wish there was someone to talk to right now...

I'm not going to say anything at the moment for fear of making things worse.

But one thing's for sure is if it's true, why does one have to force it anyway? I mean, destiny is destiny after all. Fate is fate.

No amount of human/mortal effort can possibly change it.

It might just result in unintended (terrible)consequences.

I need a pick me up real bad now

There is no map, there are no signs,
We're on our way, we're crossing lines
Strap on your boots, go pack your bags,
No time to rest, no time to lag,

And you know, everyone here has been invited to go
Whoa oh whoa oh oh
And you know, we're on our way,
Into the unknown, into the unknown, into the unknown
whoa oh whoa oh oh

It's alright, it's alright
It's alright we can travel by the moonlight
It's alright, it's alright
It's alright we can travel through the twilight
It's alright, it's alright
It's alright we can travel by the moonlight
It's alright, it's alright
It's alright we can travel through the twilight

This life is good, the road is clear,
It's time to shift into high gear
Everything we're passing fades,
It's what inside our hearts that stays

And you know, everyone here has been invited to go
Whoa oh whoa oh oh
And you know, we're on our way,
Into the unknown, into the unknown, into the unknown
whoa oh whoa oh oh

It's alright, it's alright
It's alright we can travel by the moonlight
It's alright, it's alright
It's alright we can travel through the twilight
It's alright, it's alright
It's alright we can travel by the moonlight
It's alright, it's alright
It's alright we can travel through the twilight
It's alright, it's alright
It's alright we can travel by the moonlight
It's alright, it's alright
It's alright we can travel by the moonlight

Travel by the moonlight
Travel by the moonlight

Once again, something that I've invested so much in has failed to yield anything. I bet the first thing can comes to your mind when I say invest is, "yeS! Money!!" Well, that's partially true only because you need money to do something. Well, you need money to do anything actually. Prayers won't fill your stomach because if they do, those people at the mosque won't be asking for donations.

Everything felt dead wrong right from the start. Sure there were a lot of people who came down to support the team. Sadly, there were no familiar ones. I searched high and low..even right after making that awesome tackle on the "elusive" runner. But, no one. This was despite the promise made. I know right after reading this, someone's going to tell me off saying that there was no promise made. But that's besides the point. I've always been the kind of person who needs someone to support. Even the words, "Go Fadzil!" might mean a surge of inspiration (the higher the pitch, the better)for me to play on. I remember the last time this happened, I won a 200m race despite being the one to trail the pack at the halfway mark.

Alas, there were things that were of higher importance(or impotence as a result). I know I'm just being emo. Just felt like penning my thoughts out. I was just looking out for that someone....

The more I played the game, the more I felt like I was in a quicksand. MY greatest fear has come true once more. The last that happened was in SUNIGs when we played NUS in the 7s finals. Everything was going great than one mistake happened. And then came another and another. The harder I try to rectify, the worse it becomes. IT's a helpless sinking feeling which I felt again once more. The harder I try, the more I do, the faster I sink. The worse part is, There was simply no way I could get out of it. I panicked. I feared. Everyone leaned on me and I crumbled. The only way I was going to get out of that one was to ride the whole thing out.

By then, I've already given up hope of a familiar face. I've shaken off the fact that I cannot depend on anyone right when I need it the most. I don't need a loud cheer. I don't need much. Just a smile and your belief could have turned the tides. There was none. They were all strangers to me. Every single one of them.

Gives me one more reason why I want to join some faraway army so much.

This sucks like fuck

Tomorrow shall be on the biggest day in my life yet. Yet, I still have tons of work to do. Rightfully, I should be home right now, enjoying myself free from worries. I guess that's the juggle that I have to make and make do with what I've got. University is certainly not for everyone.

Yet, I don't understand how most NIE student can claim that they're so busy that they are unable to commit themselves with other things. Things that can actually help them. It's kinda sad you know. You're neighbors, the undergrads, are slugging it out with their daily lives and yet you hardly hear anyone complain about having not enough time. This plus the fact that they have are at a much higher disadvantage because they are indeed spending their own money( well, their parents actually), not get paid and still are able to do things such as rugby, work to earn money, school work and have some time with their friends. It's just so sad....

On another note, it takes quite a lot for someone to make me hate them. Well, not hate but actually insurmountable level of despise. Yeap. That seems to be fitting enough. It's kinda like failing in the SAF: you actually have to really really try in order to fail. Well, when I hold that level against you, you can say that it's safe bet that you did something really really wrong. It can actually come to the point that even when you're dying, I'd just not bother. No. It's not that I have lost my sense of humanity. It's just that I do not treat you as one anymore.

Okay. Enough of that angst. Right now, life is just about meeting deadlines. It's a seriously terrible life. One essay after another. One presentation after another. I do not know why I did not carry out my strategy of doing the first few presentations. Guess, I just can't really be bothered anymore with school-really. Perhaps, I'm just going through motion-one day at a time. Well, whatever it is, it's working because the semester seems to be really zooming past me at light speed.

Anyway, I guess one of the greatest achievement I have made so far this year was to actually get my driver's license within a time period of less than 2 months, no more than 10 lesson with one being on the day of the test and spending less than $500 :):):):):):):)! I simply couldn't be happier.

Well, tomorrow shall see if this year is indeed going to be my year or not. It's been such a long time since I've played a full rugby finals. That means that it's the traditional 15s rugby, not 7s or 10s or 12s or touch rugby for that matter. The last I played in such a final was in 2001. And we won! It's been almost 10 years since than. Time to add another Gold medal to what seems to be an already packed medal/trophy case to my collection.

Those who hate big ships will detest everything that she represents

I am so overwhelmed that my attempts of penning my thoughts down gets bogged down

I am just thinking(out loud)

Love does not exist. It is a scam brought down to earth by mythical forces to screw with us mere mortals. If you thought about it carefully, it has only brought us humans nothing but pain and misery. It is unquantifiable which makes it non-empirical. It is not explainable that makes it irrational.

Hate, on the other hand, exists freely in this world. Usually, people use the word love instead of hate to describe what it is that they are truly feeling. Hate is rational and quantifiable. A murder is an act of killing because of hate. And murders have different degrees. So does assault. It can range from mild to serious. You can either be the accomplice or the instigator. To say that one killed in the name of love is a fallacy. One only kills because of hate of the victim. A victim is still a victim no matter what the consequences. It does not matter if you 'accidentally' killed the person in self-defence but the fact that the person died in your act of self-defence makes him/her the victim of the crime. Crime of passion? That passion is filled with hate.

Hate makes us humans do crazy things(If you still want to call it love, by all means). However, all our acts are the result of rational and logical planning carried out in the name of, you've guessed it, love. Hate makes us plan for it. What happens next can also be explained in full detail. Lawyers and judges will definitely agree with me on this. The act of hate can be fully described in full details. To say it is an act of love is simply irrational; therefore it can be outrightly rejected.

Some might describe love as "butterflies in the stomach". It must be something they ate because nervousness causes the bowels to relax- hence the phrase, " you scared the shit out of me". So what a person is really feeling is a tinge of fear-not love. If you feel giddy, it's because you haven't eaten. But once you have, you'd get that butterfly thing which will result in the flight of brown, elongated "butterflies".

GAHHH!!! I am lost for words now. My train of thoughts has already ended it's service. Feel free to rebuke my claims. I am, after all, thinking out loud.

Thoughts from my rides

Are you willing to believe that love is the strongest thing in the world - stronger than hate, stronger than evil, stronger than death

I guess when push comes to shove, I'd retreat into the abyss. Far away from those who ever cared or still cares about me. I don't know why but sometimes I find the fact that people worrying about me rather, urm, strange(for the lack of a better word). I'm more used to worry about people or rather care for them and then not have it reciprocated. I learnt that as a rugby captain, I learnt that as a commander and right now, I am not learning otherwise despite the fact that I should.

My parents have given me the ultimate form of freedom any child could ever hope for. Even my brothers do not receive such treatment. Although, sometimes, it does feel as if they're just neglecting me. Sometimes, I do appreciate it especially during times when I do need to be alone(hope that that partially explains the reason why I sleep in my own room).

Generally, it results me in treating others in a lousy manner. Me not caring that they care is very selfish of me. I know. The fact that I would do exactly the opposite that anyone would tell me to do proves it all. This may sound weird but people asking me to smoke tends to make me feel obligated to do so. To me, smoking is something that you do along with something else- like having a chat over coffee.

Argh! I just have a real difficult time explaining myself. Every time I try to do so, it'll end up in unintended consequences. Though lately, I do find myself behaving rather erratically. Imagine this, I get agitated each time I wake up from a nap(not counting those I'd take while doing my work in school). I'd get pissed easily so in order not to anger anyone, I'd take the easy way out- not talking to anyone. Best part about it, I don't even know why I'm pissed most of the time. But from the way I talk, I'm sure people would be able to tell that I am.

And about school. Don't get me started on it. I just seem to motivate myself to be even bothered with school. But then again, I do feel rather happy in school in the company of others. But when it's time to leave, it's a different story altogether. I guess, me being sentimental about things can affect me greatly.

I can safely say that I am not the same anymore. I used to be this person who would not run away from problems but would rather stay for the fight even it means my own demise. No, that's not just an excuse that I'd give to my instructors in the army just because I can't clock a decent timing for my runs(unless that run is required in order for me to complete my mission then that would be a different case already since I am chionging to my fight). These days, I'd choose to lay low instead. I don't know why I'm like that now.

Why am I running? What am I running away from? What am I running towards?
It's all wearing me down.

I still think that the non-existence of a few people would really benefit the whole world

I found myself watching a taekwondo match (or as "professionals" call it, a bout) after finishing up at the gym. It made me realize one thing- I miss fighting. I remember growing up on a healthy dose of sparring sessions. Too much of it sometimes. It didn't matter if I had to go all the way down to Cairnhill CC just to get a few rounds of fighting because it was all worth it. Right now, most of you might think of me as a really violent person. Then again, if you see me, I have the calmest look among everyone else. Then again, a calm body of water is usually infested with crocodiles,alligators,buaya..(you get what I'm trying to say here).

Reviewing the videos of past matches made me realize a couple of things. Firstly, I run funny. And im staring at a girl right now (071358) digging her nose RIGHT infront of her BF right now. hahahaha! Disgusting bitch! Anyway...the way I run could perhaps be attributed to the fact that my shoulder has be taped on so as to immobilize it. How I wish this damn shoulder injury would just go away. In fact, how I wish that ALL my injuries would go away! Every single on of them.

Secondly, people have commented that when I do get into contact, I'm like a warthog. I suppose that's a compliment because everytime I do get into contact (due to the lack of passing options), I'd get at least 10-20 meters. The best part of it all, I'd even retain the ball and I'm not even the biggest one on the team(or the pitch). Perhaps it could be the way that I was trained when I started out with the ONLY sport for guys(all other sports are not sports but simply recreational activities). First thing my coach told me was to take the ball and smash through their defenses. Whenever I was caught, I would instinctively place the ball where it should be. And then bla bla bla...yada yada yada. I know this is all boring you all. It bores me to even write this out! hahahahha!

Anyway, I need to fight again. I've got a lot of anger pent up inside me. A bit of fighting would really help.

somebody give me a sign, that everything's going as planned

Life's getting tiring for me. Too tiring perhaps. Lately, I just want to do nothing but do nothing at all. That plus sleep(I can hear all the sleep lovers rejoicing at this fact and celebrating it already). But that's not who I am really. Sleep is something that I do at the end of the night because I'm tired from an awesome day. Lately, everyday is just a drag to me. The fact that it passes by so quickly doesn't help either because at the end of each day, I feel rather unaccomplished.

Right now, school has a rather calming effect on me. The night breeze plus the occasional vehicle passing by amidst the peace feels rather welcoming. In fact, I do not mind sleeping on the benches in school tonight either. Being at home feels rather suffocating now. The sweltering heat courtesy of the El Nino effect is one of the main culprits to my suffocation at home. This plus the fact that there's always a commotion about nothing. The way my family talk things out can be rather noisy so much so that you might just think that you've found yourself in a bazaar or something.

I guess, when things goes to shit for me, I can always back away from it all and just take a ride out. But that's only a temporary solution for me. I need a permanent one. Migration perhaps? Yes! Right now, I feel that moving to a new environment would help me tremendously. A new life, a new start- away from it all. It's just too bad that I do not have the means to do so right now. That plus I have another 2 more goddamn years to finish before everyone(that being of my extended family) would see me as "successful". What would be succeeding in? What would have I accomplished? I do not see it right now. Perhaps, I will see it in time to come.

That said, I cannot be impulsive. Never was, never am. Everything to me has to be logical. Everything has to be rational. I have to have Plan A backed up with Plans B through D. And then I'd ask myself, "why do I even have these plans to begin with?" The process starts over again. I guess, that's my way of procrastinating. However, believe me when I say that when I have the means, I'd even make the seemingly impossible possible-effortlessly.

I need to find my center again. I can't help but to feel restless. The demons inside me are stirring up again. Rugby isn't going to help much since I've only left with 2 games this season- after which, I shall give my current boots a "proper burial" since it's time for it to go already. I should get myself a new pair soon.

Courage is the discovery that you may not win, and trying when you know you can lose

It's been quite awhile since I wrote anything here. Lately, I've been feeling rather uneasy about everything. The only thing that's keeping me going so far for now would be rugby. But yes, it seems that every little thing might annoy me. The worst part is, even though I have tons of things that needs to be done and I've practically done none, I'm not even worried about it? What's wrong with me? People are not the only one who's asking that question. Even I wonder sometimes. Well, most of the time actually.

It's really wearing me down having things which I can't really talk about. It's like I'm afraid to really open up to others. Who knows? Maybe by opening up comes hope. With hope comes disappointment(did I get the spelling right there? hehs). So by having no hope, I won't be disappointed. Just don't want to go through that process all over again. It's too tedious(for the lack of a better word).

But then, I just wish that I would have an avenue where I can share all these without having someone to judge me or anything of that sort. I'm not the most righteous person around. I am truly aware of that. In fact, the person who thinks himself/herself as righteous is probably a leftist(hehs). Half the things I know would/could destroy people's lives. Mine can probably be disregarded anyway.

Notice that half the things that are in my heart and in my head are never written here? I don't intend to write them anytime soon in view of unwanted guests who comes to read whatever I have to say and then get all pissed about it. They(some) then go on to threaten me with a good beating. Beating me up? You've got to be kidding me right? I mean, you can try, but I wouldn't know how to explain to your mom or the IO what I did was indeed self-defence.

I guess, I'm welled up with a lot of anger inside me. Honestly, I forgot what it was to feel again. I can't seem to recognize whether I'm happy, sad, or whatever it is that I'm supposed to feel at any particular moment. All I feel is anger..all the time. I just choose not to show it. It's like being set on fire- a slow one- and being cooked from inside out (perhaps a microwave analogy would be helpful).

BAhhhh!! Perhaps, all I need is an avenue to channel all this. Sure I have rugby to vent my anger on. But then, it's only temporary. I need a permanent solution to all this. Truthfully, I miss the Fadzil that I was.

Just do your best and leave the rest to me

This studying business is really getting to me. It's tiring, boring and mundane. What the hell was I thinking when I said I wanted to study some more. I'd rather do the routine that I did when I was in the army than this any given day. This is how the routine goes.

Morning
Run, Breakfast, Run some more, Shower, Lesson/Training, Nap

Afternoon
Lunch, Nap, Admin work, Nap, Training, Run

Evening
Dinner, Admin Work

Night
Last Parade, Admin work, Supper, Sleep

SEE HOW SUPER SHIOK THAT ACTUALLY IS? It sure beats studying. And on certain days, there will be outfield exercises that would stretch for days. Plus, I get to travel for free, meet new people and discuss with them of a better way to..urm..kill? Hehs

Guess life is pretty much boring to me now. So boring that I have nothing much to write. So, I shall show you a couple of pictures which brings a teeny weeny bit of excitement into my mundane life.

On Saturday, I had a physio to treat my injuries. My shoulder and my right shin/calf. I can't agree that I feel better now because my shoulder seems looser now and the pain in my shin/calf doesn't seem to be going away. But, dear old Uncle Sam was nice enough to gave me an ultrasound treatment which was supposed to speed up the recovery process. The lubricant that was use looked rather..urm..disgusting? It looks as if someone had dumped a load on my leg. Hahahahah

I think if my cat had red/orange fur, I'd call him Garfield. He's so bochap that all he does is to eat, sleep and then make a lot of nuisance so that he gets to eat again moments after he wakes up. So after I fed him, this is what he did. Lying down, literally, on my brother's bed(top bunk of a bunk bed). God knows how he got there seeing how lazy he actually is. And to lie down like that?

He looks angry here. Haahahahaha. Maybe because i tickled him using a stick in the sensitive area. Serves you right for disturbing my sleep and making my room smell like a toilet! Nonetheless, the bochapness in this cat is simply amusing.

So there you go, another day of my "exciting" life! I should probably get out and do something or else I might just die from boredom- really!

The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity