I guess when push comes to shove, I'd retreat into the abyss. Far away from those who ever cared or still cares about me. I don't know why but sometimes I find the fact that people worrying about me rather, urm, strange(for the lack of a better word). I'm more used to worry about people or rather care for them and then not have it reciprocated. I learnt that as a rugby captain, I learnt that as a commander and right now, I am not learning otherwise despite the fact that I should.

My parents have given me the ultimate form of freedom any child could ever hope for. Even my brothers do not receive such treatment. Although, sometimes, it does feel as if they're just neglecting me. Sometimes, I do appreciate it especially during times when I do need to be alone(hope that that partially explains the reason why I sleep in my own room).

Generally, it results me in treating others in a lousy manner. Me not caring that they care is very selfish of me. I know. The fact that I would do exactly the opposite that anyone would tell me to do proves it all. This may sound weird but people asking me to smoke tends to make me feel obligated to do so. To me, smoking is something that you do along with something else- like having a chat over coffee.

Argh! I just have a real difficult time explaining myself. Every time I try to do so, it'll end up in unintended consequences. Though lately, I do find myself behaving rather erratically. Imagine this, I get agitated each time I wake up from a nap(not counting those I'd take while doing my work in school). I'd get pissed easily so in order not to anger anyone, I'd take the easy way out- not talking to anyone. Best part about it, I don't even know why I'm pissed most of the time. But from the way I talk, I'm sure people would be able to tell that I am.

And about school. Don't get me started on it. I just seem to motivate myself to be even bothered with school. But then again, I do feel rather happy in school in the company of others. But when it's time to leave, it's a different story altogether. I guess, me being sentimental about things can affect me greatly.

I can safely say that I am not the same anymore. I used to be this person who would not run away from problems but would rather stay for the fight even it means my own demise. No, that's not just an excuse that I'd give to my instructors in the army just because I can't clock a decent timing for my runs(unless that run is required in order for me to complete my mission then that would be a different case already since I am chionging to my fight). These days, I'd choose to lay low instead. I don't know why I'm like that now.

Why am I running? What am I running away from? What am I running towards?
It's all wearing me down.

I still think that the non-existence of a few people would really benefit the whole world