It's been quite awhile since I wrote anything here. Lately, I've been feeling rather uneasy about everything. The only thing that's keeping me going so far for now would be rugby. But yes, it seems that every little thing might annoy me. The worst part is, even though I have tons of things that needs to be done and I've practically done none, I'm not even worried about it? What's wrong with me? People are not the only one who's asking that question. Even I wonder sometimes. Well, most of the time actually.

It's really wearing me down having things which I can't really talk about. It's like I'm afraid to really open up to others. Who knows? Maybe by opening up comes hope. With hope comes disappointment(did I get the spelling right there? hehs). So by having no hope, I won't be disappointed. Just don't want to go through that process all over again. It's too tedious(for the lack of a better word).

But then, I just wish that I would have an avenue where I can share all these without having someone to judge me or anything of that sort. I'm not the most righteous person around. I am truly aware of that. In fact, the person who thinks himself/herself as righteous is probably a leftist(hehs). Half the things I know would/could destroy people's lives. Mine can probably be disregarded anyway.

Notice that half the things that are in my heart and in my head are never written here? I don't intend to write them anytime soon in view of unwanted guests who comes to read whatever I have to say and then get all pissed about it. They(some) then go on to threaten me with a good beating. Beating me up? You've got to be kidding me right? I mean, you can try, but I wouldn't know how to explain to your mom or the IO what I did was indeed self-defence.

I guess, I'm welled up with a lot of anger inside me. Honestly, I forgot what it was to feel again. I can't seem to recognize whether I'm happy, sad, or whatever it is that I'm supposed to feel at any particular moment. All I feel is anger..all the time. I just choose not to show it. It's like being set on fire- a slow one- and being cooked from inside out (perhaps a microwave analogy would be helpful).

BAhhhh!! Perhaps, all I need is an avenue to channel all this. Sure I have rugby to vent my anger on. But then, it's only temporary. I need a permanent solution to all this. Truthfully, I miss the Fadzil that I was.

Just do your best and leave the rest to me