somebody give me a sign, that everything's going as planned

Life's getting tiring for me. Too tiring perhaps. Lately, I just want to do nothing but do nothing at all. That plus sleep(I can hear all the sleep lovers rejoicing at this fact and celebrating it already). But that's not who I am really. Sleep is something that I do at the end of the night because I'm tired from an awesome day. Lately, everyday is just a drag to me. The fact that it passes by so quickly doesn't help either because at the end of each day, I feel rather unaccomplished.

Right now, school has a rather calming effect on me. The night breeze plus the occasional vehicle passing by amidst the peace feels rather welcoming. In fact, I do not mind sleeping on the benches in school tonight either. Being at home feels rather suffocating now. The sweltering heat courtesy of the El Nino effect is one of the main culprits to my suffocation at home. This plus the fact that there's always a commotion about nothing. The way my family talk things out can be rather noisy so much so that you might just think that you've found yourself in a bazaar or something.

I guess, when things goes to shit for me, I can always back away from it all and just take a ride out. But that's only a temporary solution for me. I need a permanent one. Migration perhaps? Yes! Right now, I feel that moving to a new environment would help me tremendously. A new life, a new start- away from it all. It's just too bad that I do not have the means to do so right now. That plus I have another 2 more goddamn years to finish before everyone(that being of my extended family) would see me as "successful". What would be succeeding in? What would have I accomplished? I do not see it right now. Perhaps, I will see it in time to come.

That said, I cannot be impulsive. Never was, never am. Everything to me has to be logical. Everything has to be rational. I have to have Plan A backed up with Plans B through D. And then I'd ask myself, "why do I even have these plans to begin with?" The process starts over again. I guess, that's my way of procrastinating. However, believe me when I say that when I have the means, I'd even make the seemingly impossible possible-effortlessly.

I need to find my center again. I can't help but to feel restless. The demons inside me are stirring up again. Rugby isn't going to help much since I've only left with 2 games this season- after which, I shall give my current boots a "proper burial" since it's time for it to go already. I should get myself a new pair soon.

Courage is the discovery that you may not win, and trying when you know you can lose