Obligations...
That word is simply a bitch. It sucks the fun out of everything because you are obligated to do something means you can't enjoy it while you're at it. In a sense, you've been dutied so that means it has become an objective which you have to accomplish. When is achieving an objective ever fun? Remember those adventure camps that you went to when you were still in school? Everything was so exciting when you're packing and what nots...then you reach the campsite and everything goes downhill from there.

I've digressed. But that's also because whatever that I INTENDED to write about here has somehow dissapated from my mind. Well, I'll improvise.

One thing I still am extremely peeved about is the way people would leave their droppings on my space and not even have the courtesy to tell me who they are. Then again, who leaves their crap and tell everyone that it was them who left it there anyway? Guess, nobody does that. So okay, I respect that! You may choose not to tell me who you actually are when you leave your crap lying around on my space. Permission granted!

School sucks big time! All that's been happening lately, I simply hope that it will all be worth it in the future because right now, whatever is happening or has already happened has somehow persuaded me that it is not that worth it anymore. It's like how the Great War was fought. It started out as a war for justice; to show who was right! Eventually, it only showed who was left and only then did people realize that it wasn't worth it anymore. I bet every leader then could be heard mumbling, "It was a good idea at that time.."

This investment of time and energy(and even my soul which I am pretty sure I'll never be able to get back any of it) is seriously demanding. Sometimes I wonder if whatever I am doing is really worth it all. I sometimes(keyword being sometimes) envy those who's only activity in school is just to go to class, mingle a little and do assignments. They have nothing else in the world to do(aka no life) so that means they have all the time in the world to do whatever the fuck they want to(aka to get a life).

Then there are those who are already working. Things couldn't get any simpler than that. Go to work, do your work. Go home rest and not care about work at all. Right now, there is a blur in my two dimensions. School, work and home has all blurred into one big mess. There are no separations at all except for the one in terms of space. Other than that, it's all jumbled up into one big gooey shit that I am slowly picking off from my deteriorating body.

It gets tiring. Really really tiring. Between assignments and readings, I have trainings, a part-time job and basically little to no quality time with the girlfriend. Life couldn't get any shittier than it already is. Got to dig my way out of this shithole. NIE people have it easy..honestly. And anyone else who has yet to embrace any leadership roles in anything or anywhere near it has no idea what is it like to juggle to the point of near insanity.

Well, the line has been blurred anyway. I've lost track of time- well days to be exact. This morning, I woke up at 7 ready to run errands thinking it was acutally a Monday only to fall asleep again and waking up an hour later thinking that it was actually Tuesday. So I got up, and went to sit on the sofa only to stone for an hour(without even realizing it) and then realizing that today was actually a Wednesday. Can you imagine the horror? Well, neither can I. I was as cool as a cucumber(couldn't get any cheesier than this hehs). I even took my own sweet time to get to school despite it already being 5mins past the starting of my lecture(and I was still at home despite of that).

AH FUCK! Just gonna roll with the punches.

If there is one song to describe how things are for me right now, this would be it...

I've seen so many cities
Fall down to their knees
I'm begging you, please
Don't bury me underneath their crumbled walls
My barren thoughts weigh heavier
Than the weight of our demands

I feel the pressure building up inside my head
I feel the distance drowning me in my own sweat
Cause I need the cold now
It's my turn to roll out all the stops
And show that I know where I have to go

I've got to find my way back
Retrace my steps
So I can prove to you that I'm alive
Crawling my way back to the place
I know that's meant for me to find my way back
To find my way back home

I feel the heat and what it's doing to me
I've been pulling at my own skin
To hide my face
It's hard to relate
Forget the way you feel when you are safe at home
You leave this world alone, stone by stone
If only I had known about the

Pressure building up inside my head
I feel the distance drowning me in my own sweat
Cause I need the cold now
It's my turn to roll out all the stops
And show that I know where I have to go

I've got to find my way back
Retrace my steps
So I can prove to you that I'm alive
Crawling my way back to the place
I know that's meant for me to find my way back
Find my way back home

One mile left
It lasts a lifetime
Like a promise kept
Under the weight of the world
Falling down on your shoulders
It's colder

I've got to find my way back
Retrace my steps
So I can prove to you that I'm alive
Crawling my way back to the place
I know that's meant for me to find my way back
Find my way back home
Find my way back home
Cause I've been crawling my way back to the place
I know that's meant for me to find my way back
Find my way back home

I guess if there's one thing to describe what's going through my head right now it would be messed up. I feel so restless when I should be at peace right now with myself. The neck sprain seriously isnt helping at all. And whatever that's "wrong" with me is just simply annoying.

Well, everyone was fine just now. Until that nincompoop of a student I have came over for tuition. I dont get it- no matter how many times I teach him the same concept over and over again, he just doesnt get. Well, sometimes he does, but only for 5 mins. Then after that, it'll be back to me teaching him over and over and over and over again. How can that not be frustrating. Fine, I can already here the "teachers-to-be"(and some wannabe teachers) sniggering away. But if you had a kid like that, it'll ruin your day no matter how good it gets at the end of it. And talking to him makes you feel that talking to the wall would land you in a fruitful and meaningful conversation. That's just how bad it is.

Well, im not with moe so he can't stop me from saying whatever I want about my students. I don't know what else to do with this one. His friends have already gone up to secondary school but he's still stuck in primary. I even taught his friend who happened to be in the foundation stream as well but has since gone from a basketcase to a fruit of basketcase(if you don't get it, you belong to the first category along with that nincompoop).

Ahhhh school. It is such a chore studying. Again, I don't think those across the bridge qualifies as part of this group. If you get paid to study, and then work in the exact same line of what you were taught, it isn't called being a student- that's what a trainee does. WE pay to do what we do. And we keep paying and paying. So there, in that sense, fears us into trying to excel- the operative word being "trying". Im hating this life already. It's like im leading a double life- working on the side for the money that I need badly. Working on the side...that sounds stupid on so many levels. It's always a meagre amount that I bring back everytime.

I'm just spewing out gibberish here because I am trying to make sense of what's going through my head right now. But no worries, there's no voice telling me to do anything- not yet anyway.

Eccentricism is used to describe only the rich. The poor are jsut insane

Hari Raya this year is rather so-so for me. I don't really see the need to celebrate past the first day really. Hmm, maybe the meaning of this celebration has been lost to me. I can't really put a finger to it but if I was to take a shot it the dark, I'd say that I wasn't really looking forward to it.

I guess, the only thing that I felt yesterday was a huge sense of relieve. Gone are the days that I'd actually look forward to the auspicious day. Right now, I am rather indifferent to it. Heck, I'm in school to get all of my stuff printed out(and then worry if I actually have got the time to read them all). Time is really a luxury. School is seriously taking the best out of my optimism. I am slowly crossing over into being a pessimist. Perhaps, I am just a realist- it is neither half full, nor half empty; just drink the damn water and get yourself another one afterwards.

Slowly but sure, I think my passion for rugby is waning. Not that I am intentionally doing so but my injuries are just too overwhelming at times. On top of that, I have a team to manage and everything. Sometimes, managing the boys makes me feel like I am running a day care centre. But, I guess I am (barely)managing. Like I said, I didnt ask for the position. It was given to me. And when I am given the honor of such things, that means that I must have done something right(or perhaps not doing too much of the wrong stuff- either way).

Back to Hari Raya, my cousins are really the saving grace for yesterday. Catching up is the only thing that gives any meaning(or what is left) for the celebrations. Being able to talk about anything without having to hold...

[I got chased away from the library as it was almost closing time..i am continuing the next day]

..anyway, being able to talk to someone without the fear of any consequences(as there isn't any to begin with) is a luxury which you cannot find in just anyone. When has it been the instance that you can talk to someone without the fear that you might hurt their feelings or that you're really trying to humor them(and sometimes, the only humor they are getting is from laughing AT you). Chances are, those kind of people are one in a million. Sometimes, even our life partners are not the kind that we were hoping for them to turn out. So when we do find that kind of people, the likelihood of calling them our soulmate tends to be rather high. Well, everything does seem like a good idea at A point of time. But as the time goes by....

Anyway, my train of thought has been disrupted by stupid closing hours. Why can't the just keep certain places open 24 hours a day. Wouldn't that be a simpler way of creating more jobs instead of thinking of ideas to open up new places to create jobs? Just take the places that we already have and keep them running the entire day. Trade space for time, trade time for space- money is still being generated isn't it? Sheesh...wonder how these people get paid so much but are too afraid to come up with such ideas. So much so for a vibrant city where everyone's asleep at night...

With our thoughts, we make the world

I think i've finally settled into the motion of the semester. How not to when the tides of change are just too overwhelming. Anyway, I've been putting on hold to writing what I really wanted to write since a few months back: relationships. It seems that each time that I actually am inspired to write about it, I'd be in bed tossing and turning like a salad(that is about to go bad). But when I am infront of the monitor, it all seems to dissapate. What luck.

It peeves me off that people comment about my thoughts but then leave no trail as to how I could actually correspond with them. What's worse is that they leave me one liners in criticizing my point of view(s) without any actually evidence(s). So, what's the point of commenting when you don't do either of that. If you are too ashamed of explaining yourself fully, then the least you could do is to make yourself contactable so that there is actually an avenue to correspond. If not, you might as well keep the comment(s) to yourself because it doesnt serve anyone any good. Well, unless you are that "someone" who I think you are, your comments are more than welcome on my space. But please, great minds do not get ejected out of the womb; it is created through the dialectic of two(or more) average minds who's intent is to better whatever that has been said.

Have some guts if you want to say something. If not, better not say it at all.

your ego's cashing cheques that your body can't cash

Somebody give me a sign, that everything's going as planned

The first week of school is rounding up and I have yet to get into the groove of a student's life once again. The holidays was well stretched. There was simply enough time for everything and for everything there was it's own pace. But with the semester beckoning, it seems like I have to rethink the pace of how things are going to be like. Looking through the course outlines, it seems like the thought of going through the semester is very very intimidating. Plus the mentioning of FYP scares the shit out of me(bye-bye constipation!). Wonder if it is still possible if I am able to take it all in my own stride.

Other than that, taking over as captain for the school team wasn't as easy as I thought it would be like. Now, I have responsibilities towards a bunch of grown-up babies with their own set of qualms about every single thing that you can(or cannot) think of. I don't think I can enjoy rugby like I used to. Now, I'd have to think of the team as well instead of just the game. Well, metting out the list of nominees for my exco probably lifted off some burden of my shoulders. I'd probably be delegating more from here on out with the team coming back together with the start of the semester.

I can't believe im just talking about how sucky my life can get. Right now, while doing this, I'm thinking about which readings I'd have to do so that I don't get left behind in class. I've got to seriously pull up my GPA after the fiasco that was last semester. I guess, all that drama was so intense that I was beginning to find it "entertaining". It was so "entertaining" that my TV has lost its purpose in the living room. It took more than 400 channels to surf on for me to using the TV for that purpose instead of being one.

Im not making sense. Guess my mind is all jumbled up with thoughts and worries. So is my heart. I'm not sure that this is the path that God wanted me to take 3 years back(or is it 2?). Life in the army would have been so much better as the career path laid out for me seems pretty tempting. Ahh...the operative word being 'tempting' means that it was a distraction for me. But anyway, that is the life that I do crave for. If one has gone through it, you would know. You either love it or hate it. Those who haven't, please dont even begin to imagine.

This brings me on to my next point. I just don't understand why those who did "NS" in the police of civil defence keeps dissing us boys in green. Sure you did "real" work. Well, truth be told, most of you are there because you can't don green for one reason or another(mainly political here). Ok ok...so you do do real work. But does that mean that it gives you anymore of a reason to say that because you do, us army boys are just "playing" around in the jungle?

An officer once told me, "Do you know why we are a strong country? It's because we have a strong military and therefore nobody wants to attack us. Don't believe what other people say about us not being tested. It's precisely because we are THAT strong that nobody wants to test us." That somehow comforted me.

This road to "manhood", from boys to men: NS. I have my own set of criteria if you want to claim to me that you already did your national service.
1) You've dug at least one shellscrape. If you can find an equivalent to this, then you're fine.
2) There was a time that you slept less 30mins for a period of staying awake for at lease 72 hours.
3) You thought you were actually in hell because you were tired, hungry, wet and cold but there was simply no way out(or still a long way out) of the situation.
4) You were married to something that was about a meter long.
5) Your weekends got constantly "burnt"
6) You've spent at least one major holiday in some foreign country far away from your family and have minimal contact with them

I guess I can only think of 6 criteria for now. If you were to say that you have already did your NS, I'd say you have to hit at least 4 out of 6(im being extremely lenient here), then I'd say that yes, you did your NS. So what's the moral of the story? Stop dissing. Without us, you police boys would have no thiefs to catch; they would all be already dead and so would you. Without us, you would have no station to house your fire engines because it would have probably be bombed out.

Mules are always boasting that their ancestors were horses