I just dreamt that I met my grandfather. I woke up crying. I didn't realize how much I miss him. It's been so many years and I wasn't even thinking about anything before going to bed. 

In my dream, my dad met my grandfather too. He looked extremely delighted when he go to meet him. I've never seen him smile like that before- one that's not holding back any pain but one that is pure joy. 

Clarity

The balancing board. It's the time of the day, or perhaps week, where I find my mind drifting away into the abyss. I think of nothing and nothing was thought of me. 

My mind is clear and my heart pure. The mind is at ease while the body is all tensed up. I can feel the heart beating slowly, blood flowing through my veins. I feel at peace with myself once again. 

For my woes are merely monetary in nature. They have always been.

After doing all the calculations I think I have to stick to being just the normal guy for now. 

Europe. Birthday. Hari raya. Car. Why do you all just have to come together?

Aimless

I really feel like doing something worthwhile in my life. Something that I'd be known for- like MMA or biker or cyclist, something really! 

I used to the rugby guy. Now, I'm just the guy who goes to the gym and well, the operations executive. This is not what I want. 

It's just that, I don't think I am able to afford to do so right now. Money wise that is. 

Lot noi day mai?

Finally am able to break away from work which is getting rather monotonous. Ironically however, my job requires me to handle a variety of situations- keyword being variety. Basically I am to "unfuck" the fuck-up.

Krabi has been rather dull to say the least. The first day was mostly spent with a bit of walking around with the first hour seeing me doing the walking by myself along AoNang (also known as Ao Phra Nang). The flight here has been rather eventful with a terrible turbulence hitting us on the landing. Hitting a turbulence on the flight is one thing; hitting one during the landing is actually rather disastrous. Most of the flight accidents are due to planes hitting some sort of a turbulence either during take off or landing- according to nat geo anyway.

But other than that, I feel the heavy burden of the "responsible one" especially during this trip. Playing tour guide means that I am the one who has to know where we are, where we would be going, what we're going to do, when we're going to do it and how we're going to get there to do it. Suffice to say, it feels just like I am actually on a mission, not a holiday. Guess there aren't much perks about growing up when you're the "responsible one".

Turning 26 is actually quite a daunting, freeing yet depressing task. Even though it happened about 4 months ago, I am still haunted by the thoughts of it happening. The only coping mechanism that I have is that it has already happened and that I should try to forget that it has actually happened. I just try to live my day by shrugging off the fact that there are many implications resting heavily on my shoulders. Implications- more like responsibilities.

At this age, I am nowhere near marrying. Even though chubs has been quite worried about it, marriage is the last thing on my mind right now. Right now, I am more concerned about getting to do things that I haven't got to do during my youth- things that chubs has already done. Perhaps this is why I am a late bloomer and sooner or later, she is going to get frustrated with the wait as she is already into the next phase of life. I am still at least one phase behind. Perhaps that is why girls rather go for older guys- they seem to match up in the phases of life. Well, that is a rather worrying thought to say the least.

Somehow in this disaster I call life, it does have its moments. Moments come fleeting by when I am out doing random things- something that majority of the people I know find hard to appreciate. Chubs, you are included. But yes, though that screams disorganization in my life, that is the basis of how life is organized- a series of random events which somehow creates a coherence if you are willing to let it. We often fight that and try to make life as how we want it to be and if it doesn't, we are quick to judge it as being incoherent.

Alas, when we step into the world of another it is all going to seem extremely incoherent very quickly. But the avid traveler will know better than to judge- they immerse themselves into the brand new world. Instead of judging, they appreciate and attempt to understand. Sure a shoe might be too big to walk in at first- but that is why we are given this god-given talent called growing. A big shoe can be good because it leaves us room to grow. But one cannot immediately start running it in after putting it on- you'll just end up with blisters that will scar you for life. Instead, slowly walk in it and feel the space within. Even after growing we find that it is still a tad too big for us, that's when we get thicker socks. Socks are the aids that helps us fit into the shoe better.

On a different note, I discovered that I might be someone who's an avoidant affectionate. There are 3 types- the other two are securely affectionate and devoid affectionate. What does this mean to be an avoidant affectionate? Well, it simply means that any rage that I feel, any protests towards an external being or event simply gets suppressed. More to come on this fact as soon as I am better aware of what it all means.

Till then, it feels good to be writing again. Writing for the sake of pleasure. These days, I have been writing way too much reports.

Relationships

People don't develop first and create relationships. People are born into relationships-with parents, with ancestors- and those relationships create people. 

A blast from the past

This is an extract, well, the whole report really, of the RNR I had while I was in Taiwan. Don't mind the grammar because even as I read it, I do get embarrassed. That was the 19 year old me, when I was still what I had wanted to be all my life. I still do.

This report is written by Cpl Fadzil of Echo Coy, Pl 3, Sect 3. RnR was fun while it lasted. 3 days of organized tours to a museum, three theme parks and 2 cultural landmarks had been educational, thrilling and fulfilling.
 The first stop was quite draggy since everyone was sent to a place nobody wanted to be at. 921 Earthquake Museum. Nobody really saw the point of coming to an earthquake site since it wasn’t relevant to our context. However, it got interesting when we saw what was there. I don’t think none of the trainees ever experienced or much less saw an earthquake before. So, we got a little bit intrigued from the pictures and the comments written below. Boring? Definitely! But it was also definitely an eye opener to us all. We should consider just how lucky we all are to not having an earthquake in Singapore.
 Lunch afterwards was delightful. Scrumptious hot lunch! It was supposed to be followed by a boring visit to some cultural village. 3 painful hours at some cultural village. Well, that’s what we thought. We were proved wrong! It turned out to be an amusement park of some sort with really scary rides. Never in my life had I scared myself so badly. It was so thrilling that screaming was futile. I was screaming till I couldn’t scream anymore. A ride that lasted no longer than 30 seconds felt like forever while you were on it.  The Mayan Adventure; the first real rollercoaster ride in my life. There were also a few other scary rides but none was as scary as the UFO. 100m ascend up the tower somewhere up in the mountains followed by a 5 seconds hang before you free fall your way back to earth only to be saved by a fully functional braking mechanism. Balls-to-the-throat action! After that, it was a cold dinner followed by shopping at Shillin Night Market.
 The next two days were routine with 2 visits a day to places like Ocean world, Martyrs Shrine, Chiang Kai-Shek Shrine, some theme park whose name I forgot because it was too boring and Leofoo Safari Park.  Lots of different food to try, lots of things to see because whatever we saw and experienced there simply cannot be experienced in Singapore. Best food ever tasted was the BBQ squid in sesame oil and seed. It tasted like nothing on earth. Simply the best! Best ride? It definitely has to be the Mayan Adventure. So scary that I had to ride it 2 more times. Okay, after the second time, it just made me dizzy. Didn’t really feel scared afterwards. Moreover, the other rides that I took at all the other theme parks weren’t as scary as the Mayan Adventure.
 Besides the places that we went to, we also had free time to go shopping at night. The most happening place would have to be Xinmenting. Girls to see. Things to buy. Food to taste. That’s what every shopping experience should be like. But I got a lot of things from Shilin Night Market because it was cheaper there and we can bargain like nobody’s business.
 Our tour guide, Jass, made the bus ride between each place interesting. Otherwise, we would have been bored out of our skulls. Doing nothing but watching a bit of the movie that was being played in the bus before dozing off.
 Well, that is all I have to say about the 3 days organized tour during our RNR.

It's not about how you feel about that person. It's about how that person makes you feel about yourself.

A story. A man fires a rifle for many years. and he goes to war. And afterwards he comes home, and he sees that whatever else he may do with his life - build a house, love a woman, change his son's diaper - he will always remain a jarhead. And all the jarheads killing and dying, they will always be me. We are still in the desert.

Last night I dreamt about doing some of the things that I want. Play tennis, go for a beach vacation at this really beautiful beach, went dirt biking and hanging out with good company. But most importantly, I my dream, I could actually breath.

I'm so far gone now, I've been running on empty

Nowadays my favorite thing to do is to go to the gym and stand on the balancing board for a long time. I do nothing but stand perfectly still while trying to find balance. My mind clears up and I actually feel at peace. Whenever a thought comes to my head, any thoughts, I'd lose my balance.

I like it - standing perfectly still doing absolutely nothing n

I still see them, all of them. Falling in for first parade in front of the company line. Everyone so young with their full lives ahead of them. Although they can't wait for the next book out, all they could think about right there and then is about each other.

The jostling, the jokes, the suffering, the pain, the joys, the glory- I could still see all of that in them. Every single one of them.

Once again, I've found myself asking. Where did I go wrong? What did I do wrong?

Charlie mike

Last night, in my dreams, I was 3-2 bravo again. I didn't want to wake up but I did.

What is it with me? The closer I get to someone, the scarier things get for me.

What am I really afraid of? Am I really afraid that they might hurt me? Am I afraid that I might lose them? Likely.

In my lifetime, I've lost too many people either through death or through erosions of the bridge that I've grown too scared to be connected. To scared that the connection might be lost somehow.

I am extremely adaptable. This has been proven to many and especially to myself as I get thrown into the deep end of a brand new situation. Yet, I am one who does not like changes that much. How I wish things could just remain the same. How I wish for a moment to last forever.

Does this deafening silence means nothing to no one but me

Couldn't sleep so I decided to take a night ride out to ease my mind. Ended up in jb since I needed petrol anyway with Swedish House Mafia blasting through the earphones all the way through. It's nice to have the roads all to yourself once in a while. Not having to deal with the nonsense we all know as traffic is rather therapeutic.

Now that I'm back on my bed, I'm just waiting for the effects of the painkillers to kick in. How I wish I wasn't allergic to those powerful ones. It's strange how my body only decided to develop allergies at the age of 24.

24...that was 2 years ago. Now at the age of 26, I don't think I am any wiser. Older maybe. I keep making the same old mistakes with procrastination being at the top of the list. Truthfully, I am a rather lazy person when it comes to a lot of things. So it's pretty amazing that the girlfriend thinks I'm quite disciplined. Well, maybe towards the aspect of gym. But that's only because its a place where I feel right at home.

Turning 26 was quite an affair. First, they brought me up a hatch then the next day, she treated me to a really "atas" restaurant- literally as pun is very much intended thank you. But then, it's not really what she treated me to or what she surprised me with. Honestly, it's because it's with her that made it into such an affair. So, halfway through last year, I gave up any hopes of getting another present just weeks after turning 25. I got an iPod, I got a dirt biking experience (which didn't turn out as well as I'd hope it would be) and the best part of it all, I got a video that she made. That video still makes me all warm, fuzzy and slushy inside whenever I watch it. Till this day, I can never match up to that level she has reached with whatever videos I've made for her.

I've come to this stage in life where I haven't quite accomplished half the things I would have liked. Firstly, I still don't have my ranger tab. The ranger course is basically a course where they make you do a lot of nasty things with no time to eat and only 3 hours of sleep a night for 65 days. After that, everything else will seem like child's play. At 26, I've never been to any wars. Don't get me wrong- I am no war junkie. But people who have come back from any conflict can testify the fact that they appreciate life and the people around them a lot more after coming back from a war zone. It's the fact that they've reached the brink of death that they are able to do so. The nightmares that they get serves them as a reminder to cherish those near and dear to them. At the age of 26, I don't think I'll ever get to experience that state of crisis.

Job wise, everything is only so-so as I go from one shift to the other. Slowly, my confidence is building up as I learn more things as I go along. I'm the sort of person who wants to figure things out for myself and don't take advice too kindly. Anyone who really knows me understands that part about me. Sure it gets frustrating. But blowing your top at me for being like that isn't going to help one bit. Instead, coaxing me into understand and accept what you have figured out helps tremendously. There are many who are like me.

And so here it is, me writing after a long hiatus. I haven't got quite the energy to write anymore as most of it is expended through the numerous reports I have to write on a daily basis- whether I'm at work or not. That plus a lack of inspiration who's clarity cannot be matched.

To trust, one must remain vulnerable. When one is vulnerable, one gets agitated and jumpy. You trust a person because they are trustworthy- until proven otherwise. Once proven otherwise, there is no turning back- you'd be damned for life. To trust, you yourself have to remain trusted. To be trusted, you have to trust- you have to remain vulnerable. But alas, it is something that you have to earn because the closer any two person get, the more vulnerable they thus be. Only way for the two to trust each other is for them to fight off everyone else as a team. To only way for it to work is to open up your friendly fire and the other one to be the kill that you're missing and you keep missing every single time.

Last night, I woke up to a letter from mindef. It stated that I was a successful applicant to the jungle confidence course. I prayed hard that that was not a dream. But then, I woke up.

Today, I felt utterly beaten. I guess that's why I keep going to the gym so much. It's a way I remind myself that the only person that can truly beat me is myself. That brought me back from the verge of tears.

Decided to endure the sleepiness for a bit more just to have breakfast even though I'm so tired and yet have someone to be angry with me. Seriously??

Maybe I should just be an asshole

Organized a dinner for my family and they've been keeping me waiting for the past hour. I'm still waiting. Sometimes I wonder why I even bothered.

They were so enthusiastic to visit a neighbor's kid in hospital but they couldn't be enthusiastic enough to be on time for dinner that their son planned out for them.

It's as though there's a price waiting for them by getting onto my shit-list

I dare you to dance with me

Tonight, my leave ends. It's funny how people from my work place would take leave to just rest at home. And yes, I am not the only one. Somehow, I dread going back to work- the madness, the rush, the late meals (if they ever come), the fucking that you somehow have to endure. Times like these are when what an old friend said makes a lot of sense- if i had known what to do at that moment and up to your standard, then your years of experience would have counted for nothing.

Standards...it all comes up to the expectations that people hold us up to. In this instance, the level of standard that people expect of me. I still dont feel like writing even though I have tons on my mind.

Sometimes, it'd be nice to just have someone to talk to

I believe in the sand beneath my toes

I've been wanting to jot down my thoughts for awhile but I haven't gotten myself to actually doing it. I still haven't...

I'm bad, and that's good. I will never be good, and that's not bad. There's no one I'd rather be then me.

So it's the new year. As always, I never once had a new year's resolution - those things never stick anyway. What I do have are long term goals and in that comes short term ones which I'm able to take in small bites. Unfortunately, I've lost sight of them. I never got the job which I had dreamt of since young. But we compromise. We always do.

In life and in love, we slowly adapt to new things because l, hey, change is the only constant. We can only hope for that we change together with the person whom we have so carefully chosen to spend the rest of our lives with.

I guess I am pretty much on the losing end in that aspect. While everyone was busy getting into a relationship or losing their virginity in their teenage years, I was busy being a teenager. That entails playing all kinds of sports, trying all kinds of things. Heck, I was so good at programming robots, I felt conflicted when I was asked to take over captainship of the team back in secondary school. Somehow girls never quite fitted into the agenda save for the final year of secondary school. But that never really quite blossomed into anything which bothers me only because I've seen friends who have spent years in relationships which they have nurtured since their teenage years. Even if those didn't last, they have gained enough experience in relationships that carried them on well into their adulthood. I guess for me, I am pretty much immature and quite inexperience when it comes to relationships. Chasing girls on the other hand is a different story. I should start classes and charge guys on how to pick girls up.

2012 has been quite a year for me. Got into a relationship with the girl of my dreams. Got a really splendid birthday surprise (I never once said no to gifts) with dirt biking and a cool iPod which while I feel bad that chubs had to fork out a considerable amount of money to get me, I still love it a lot. I've been using it so much that it looks well worn ( the engraving at the back os a actually the best part of that present).

Also, managed to graduate as the fire in me as a student was beginning to dim out. Managed an awesome holiday by going to Hong Kong (never was it my intention to go there but it turned out to be fucking great!) and managed to go back to Bangkok- something which I've been wanting to do in a long time. But then, it really isn't about the destination but who you're there with. That matters most.

Also, finally managed finally get my class 2. Never thought I'd be riding a bike much less being able to ride a big one. But that's unintended is one of the miracles of change and compromise.

So yes, there were a few setbacks. Tearing my hamstring as well as losing the title is probably one of the things that I will carry through for the rest of my life. You only get one shot at this kind of things so once it's gone, it's gone.

I don't know how 2013 is going to turn out like but I'm secured in the knowledge that as long as I have huishan with me, all that is good will be good. Heck, all that is bad can't be that bad either.