If there's one way of describing how I feel now, it would be melanchonically angsty. I don't know how else to feel except this way. I guess, it borders between being sian and dulan. The week has been very hectic and the new job is rather demanding on the part of the managers. They're treating me as if I'm on a term break or something. Think I'll need to cut down on the working hours just so that I can finish my school work, work and not be so tired the next day that all I want to do is to sleep.

Time is never on my side. It's ever so fleeting which is painfully annoying. If I had just one or two hours more in a day, I think I'll be able to do so much more. Is there actually a way to slow things down so that I can actually get more done? If you know of such a way to do that, let me know. I'd really appreciate that. Imagine this, me being a blur to everyone while everyone else seems to be creeps(just because they move and creeping speed).

I know what I just blabbered about seems incoherent. I FEEL incoherent. Maybe even disconnected. It's like whatever is being taught in this semester doesn't make sense at all. Sure, I do go to classes and all but yeah, it's beginning to seem that it doesn't make a fucking difference whether I do or not; I come out still feeling clueless.

Yes yes, I can hear some of you sniggering away about me and my incompetence. Go ahead then. You might get far in what you're doing right now, but always remember- It was the tortoise that won the race.

Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself

I have been getting such weird dreams lately. They have been getting so weird lately that the realm of dreams and reality have been blurred into on big mess(or I should say?). Many have told me that dreams is the toy of the devil. Well, if so, I guess I am playing his game pretty well and perhaps, I am even outplaying him.

It came to a point that I was "shown" this particular phrase which I tried to record as closely as my memory permits.
We will always treasure the representatives of how each friendship begins and how it ensues. We will forever think about the friendships forged and when we think about what it was like before they were forged, we cringe.

That is as far as I can remember. Try googling it. I can't find it anywhere. Along with that, I have been "interacting" with different characters. It all makes it seem that I have a past life which I am trying so hard to forget but it keeps on haunting me. It is all making me seem that in my previous life, I was someone who kills and kills- but not for no reason. Perhaps that could explain my superior sense of protecting- of becoming a sheep dog, protecting the herd of sheep from the wolves.

All this is seemingly incoherent right now. But each time I retire, all questions that I have thought of either consciously or subconsciously gets answered. Sometimes, it's not even the ones that I wanted to be answered right away. But it's as though I am given revelations as to how things are like, was like and is going to be. Last night, I dreamt about how the world was going to end- it was so fucking scary.

I actually confided in my elder brother, one who I continually blame myself for he actually turned out(I shall share it with you if you ask. Im very selective who I share this with so be honored if I do). In him, I told him I was not ready to die. I told him that the angels require me to do a lot more good if I do not want to end up in hell because it seems like I was going to be there for all eternity. I told him that he has to help me hold back the angel of death just so that I can accomplish my goals that God has set out for me. In that sense, I told him that God has asked me to revert all that mankind has done to prevent Armageddon. It seems like it was possible.

I don't know, it all seems so real. I actually felt the fear. I actually felt the frustration. For the first time, I actually felt that I was given the truth about my existence.

Then again, perhaps I have been played too much by the devil into all this.

But then, the person whom i confided in was no other than my elder brother. The one person whom actually felt hurt by my own trait of wanting to do things on my own; of wanting to sort things out on my own. Honestly, I cry when I come to think of my family's demise. No, its not like I am wanting it to happen or else, why would I cry? It scares the hell out of me(too bad that doesn't get me to heaven)! I cannot imagine a time where they dont exist. Hmm..perhaps that was what it was meant by that phrase.

Who am I?

So Hot And You Sweat On It


I'm not a kid you would call a tradition.
And I don't give a fuck about the human condition.
Or regard warnings or lurking suspicions.
Of a life lead after dark.
I'm not one to think that half the suspense is.
Knowing what actions have consequences.
Or knowing what day in the week it really is.
Not that it ever mattered.

I'm sure I'll see you around.
'Cause I don't get up until the sun is down.
So if you think that you can wait around.
I will be back to see you off in the morning.

I got this thing it's called having a good time.
The only difference is that I don't rock sunshine.
Or a rainy day get away that always makes me stay in the same place.
So let me be candid.
I know you can't stand it.
When I push the subject and you push the rhythm of speech.

I'm sure I'll see you around.
'Cause I don't get up until the sun is down.
So if you think that you can wait around.
I will be back to see you off in the morning.

I'm stuck in a town that's not enough for me.
Don't tell me that it's easy.
Some say that I'm bad news but I got some news for you.
We live a life that nobody knows.
We're having fun and I'm sure that it really shows.
Obnoxiously and selfishly.
But we have our way of keeping ourselves busy.

I'm sure I'll see you around.
'Cause I don't get up until the sun is down.
So if you think that you can wait around.
I will be back to see you off in the morning.

I will be back to see you off in the morning

Says it all doesn't it? Click on the title to listen to it.

Sam's not turning out how I hope he would be. It seems like there's still a lot that needs to be done before I can even think of thinking of taking him out to stretch his legs along the North-South Highway. It's a bit ambitious (and pretentious to some) I know. But you only live once so what the hell right (I might even end up there too along with all of you! hahahaha! *evil laughter*)? But yeah, I've taught about it and one of the things I would like to do is to do a solo-ride worldwide- after which my butt will be as wide as the tires of my bike.

School isn't how I hope it'd turn out to be either. I don't know why this semester is very overwhelming. It seems like everything is a blur when I am rushing from point to point. Smoking, as it seems, is the only solace to put things clearly into perspective- everything slows down forcibly, nobody is really there to distract me or talk to me for that matter (yes yes, it stinks i know), and yes, you just sit there and take one drag after another AND most importantly, you need to have coffee by your side. That is the ultimate combination of the two stimulants. One simply cannot work without the other. Unless you substitute coffee for red bull that is..but it's just not quite the same.

I don't understand how people can contradict themselves so much. It's like being angry with someone for missing them so much. I must admit that I am one of those people who RARELY contradict myself(that is a very bias statement but then, this is a very bias blog so suck it). It's really strange- people. We are the only beings on this planet(or perhaps amongst the planets) who are wiling to kill another human being for the greater good. What is the greater good? Good is something that someone terms something because it benefits them. So, is it really the greater good? If so...who is it for?

Anyway, as you can see, i don't contradict. I just get distracted. So yes, that is one case in point. Another would be that they would tell you something but when you give your input (just a teeny weeny one), they'd change their entire point and make it seem like as though you were the one who actually came up with that original point. I can only be amused and flabbergasted at any attempts of a a recovery.

Krav Maga at $200 for 10 sessions doesn't sound too expensive does it? Well, we'll see how it goes. It'd be good for me since it's been such a long time ever since I did any fighting of any sort (legal or illegal). And yes, fighting with words is just like taking a satay stick and then pretend you're fencing. It is the epitome of being lame. Physical violence or being brutish is what shaped our world into what it is right now. Without war, there can be no peace. And from this prolonged peace, everyone gets restless so they try to pick fights. Take Iraq and Afghanistan for example. Poor bastards. Iran, you're next in the list just for building a nuclear reactor plant. LOL. It's like us getting attack by our neighbor just for building the new water plant and water desalination plant (which means we don't have to buy so much water anymore). The day that happens, I'd say that that will be a load of crap. But hey, at least I'd get a chance to fight (:

One, little two, little three, little...

Everyone should be trusted until they have proven themselves untrustworthy beyond reasonable doubt

IF you were to use this mantra while doing what I do, then I guess you're in for a big surprise. That line speaks volumes about you being so goddamn naive about everything- in this instance other people.

But yes, I do believe that there are good in people. It's just buried so deep within that they themselves believe that doing good would only result in the benefit of others and that they would gain nothing.

They would gain nothing... That phrase itself goes to show how much of a human being we human beings can be. But some do go out of the way to actually prove themselves untrustworthy(if there is no such word as this, there is now).

So yes, it is true that I don't trust easily. But it is a paradox in the sense that if I don't trust, I cant love(in any possible way that is). But to trust is to be vulnerable and if there's one thing I loath the most is the feeling of vulnerableness. Once bitten, twice shy. Enough is enough. But I guess these walls around me that I've built can be crumbled if one cares enough to take the pains to actually bring it tumbling down.

Although...I don't think it can actually tumble down. Ok ok..maybe not bring it tumbling down but to scale it and join me inside the walls that I've built. IT's like a castle or fortress. But with any design, there is a soft spot that once hit, you can actually penetrate through and get to me. Guess not everyone can or will notice that.

But with trust(or the lost of it), I suppose there is also redemption. No religion has stated that once you've sinned, you cannot be redeemed. WEll, not the ones that I know of anyway. SO i'm going to leave it as that..

A single lie can cloud a thousand truth

Life has been pretty WTF lately. Assignments and readings keep on piling and all that im doing with them is just shoving them aside(like what im doing now). Just wish that I had more time in a day so that I can actually get things done. Being an aggressive procrastinator does help either(go figure out how one does that). In other words, I procrastinate aggressively(like I said, go figure that one out).

Rugby has turned out to be a chore. With a coach that seems more like a magician(he should change his name to David Copperfield or something) than what he hired him to do(to coach obviously), I actually have to step up to the plate and train everyone. As a result, I don't get to train myself. How the fuck am I suppose to improve as a player really? It's not like I'm a rugby legend or something that I don't need the training. I seriously do need the training or else why do I actually bother to turn up at every session? FUBAR. Different year, same shit.

Well, the only good thing is that Im actually getting a new bike. Well, not exactly new; old bike new rider. Nevertheless Im quite excited even though that means that every month, I owe someone $120 for the next 3 years(someone being the shop). Well, at least I can afford it. Once I start working, time to aim big(literally). Yeah bebeh!!!

Pardon my rather erratic behavior. But I guess that's how the cookie crumbles. I suppose I have actually snapped. Awesome possum.

A leader is one who, out of madness or goodness, volunteers to take upon himself the woe of the people. There are few men so foolish, hence the erratic quality of leadership in the world