Things you learn in the army will shock you. It even changes you forever. The way you look at life and at everything else in the world becomes different. No longer do you see yourself as a dependant of someone but a provider of something. Your importance in society is immediately elevated as everyone sees you now as an adult and no longer a teen or a youth but someone who is to be taken seriously. However, that's not how society reacts to soldiers. They see us as a nuisance. Why? Well, once every week, we get to get back to society to comform to the way of life that we are used to for the past 18 years of our lives. This is a pest to them as we fill up the trains and buses and restaurants and shopping centres with green fatigues and that jungle stench. Children see us and they run away, often in terrible fright. Yes, we might be training to be killers. But we do not kill our own citizens. Yes, we do smell. But its not because we want to. We do know how to take care of our own personal hygiene. Dont you think we know that we smell? We even hate to smell. But its not within our power to not sweat. Heck, not sweating might even mean certain death for anyone. We do what we can and those that we cant, we compromise. We do not do this because we like it. It's because we have to. We're not forced to. We're obliged to. Its an obligation that will last for the nxt 2 years. The only thing that keeps us going is each other.

Alrighty. I've finally made my decision to take sociology in ntu. Yeap. NUS fass? Nah...i want to study. Yeap. I mean it's an honors course that ntu's offering me! Plus, its a smaller class size. And its so much nearer to home. What's there not to like? Then again, i am trying to convince myself to take ntu's offer. Just like when i first picked up rugby. I was on that mundane path of hoping to join the NCC. Yeap. So when i got rejected, i joined rugby. I tried convincing myself to like it. I got hooked after the first training. 7 years later, im still hooked! Lol. These days, the mere mention of the R word would set me of ranting like machine gun on steroids. Ask me about the military, ill still be a little bit composed. But rugby? All hell will break lose.

However, i have still no idea what sociology is really about. Just like the interview went. The prof asked me," So Fadzil, what do you know about sociology?" "Well sir, it's the study of society." "okay, what else do you know?" "the study of society into comformity?" "well, something like that. besides that?" "i know nothing more than that sir" lol. And i thought i was screwed up. Well...others were more screwed up that i was.....i hope. hehs. He immediately asked me to take a brochure about the course. Well...there was a lot to read on the brochure. So i just glanced through and guess what's there? Sociology of food! YEAH! Foooooooooooooooood!!!!!!!! lol. ya. Besides that, i dont really remember much. ANY SOCIOLOGIST CARE TO EXPLAIN MORE TO ME!!! Explain to me what is sociology. How can it be used. How much im going to get paid to be a sociologist. What kind of job...bla bla bla....yea. Something like that.

K. Few more hours till i have to go back to camp. This sucks. Just one night out and the nxt day, i have to go back. WHAT HAPPENED TO 5 DAY WORK WEEK!?!??!!? Liars. And they expect me to vote for them in 2 years time!?!?! Blearghs. You have got to make a better offer you whities! Lol. Whities. White from top to bottom. Whities. Not forgetting that blue and red stain somewhere. Yeah. Im going to call them whities from now on! And im not being racist. Even if i was, it wouldnt matter. Yeap. The story dates back from the time that they were the ones being racists, elitist, tits. Time to fight back. How? Well, we have our own people to be racists, elitist and tits these days. That's good enough of a come back. But we have got to think of a better come back than that in the near future! Period.

3 more weeks before i pass out with the rank of a Private. It's not much, but its still better than being a recruit. Ya. I tink. Anyways, what's with time flying past. Everytime we're doing something, we find ourselves running out of time. Every single day,we find ourselves rushing to wait, waiting to rush. And im not just talking about life in the army. It goes to life everywhere. A few years back, when i graduated from Unity Sec, i was in a daze as sec 1 seemed like only the day before. In just one blink of an eye, i was graduating from an instituition of 4 years. One of the best years of my life. Those of you who are still in school, treasure it. And im not refering to the eduacation part. Im refering to the time you all spend in school whether it's studying or playing or just plain hanging out. Why? COz you dont have to worry about anything at all! Plus, if you did your homework just fine, there really isnt anything to worry about at all! Yeap. The carefree days.

By the end of sec 4, i felt as if i wasted 4 good years of my life by not spending enough time with my schoolmates. Heck, i didnt even had time to reflect on it until i started jc 4 months later. During the time period in between, i worked. I experienced the adult working life. That's when i found out how you're really being treated like a person. I was actually taken seriously by adults and people around me! Ya. That also meant that i had to be serious about my work. But that's besides my point. My point is i decided that im going to fully utilize my time to spend it with my schoolmates. Yeap. I really utilized it alright. ALmost everyday, i reach home after 9. On some training days, i reach home after 10 and on club trg days, midnite! Talking about really enjoying my moment.

Enjoying a moment in life. That's what we soldiers always do. If someone was to give you a 20mins break, you would complain that its too short and all those sort of crap right? Well, we live for the moment. 20mins of rest is heavenly enough for us. Heck, we can do a lot of things withing a period of 20mins. Within 20mins, we would have enough time to shower, change, pack our stuff, chores, read, talk and then move out for our next whatever. Yeap. That's how we spend our 20mins. It only gets better when we book out. If 20mins is heaven, then book out is the heavenly king. How? Well, we have all day to do whatever we want, whenever we want! Ya. But that only lasts for 24 hours. After that, regimentation. So.......we really really really utilize whatever time we have. Living for the moment. We do not care whats going to happen to tomorow. We dont really care about the consequences of our actions. We just do what we like while we still can. YEap. That's y soldiers can be rowdy at times.

Rowdy? huhur. Maybe except for the SAF. I dunnoe y, but they seem to be coming up with all the weird stuff lately. Instead of turning us into lean mean fighting machine, they make us sing all the stupid stuff, henceforth pussifying the army. Well, at least we have our own "haka" which is really following the tune of "we will rock you". lol. Maybe that acts as a counterbalance. But its bullshit nonetheless. Who the heck came out with all these ideas anyway? Stupid bugger.

Yay! Next saturday is college day! YEAH! Going back to get an award. Ya. But that isnt the main point ;) yeap.

Looks like today was well spent after all. Hung out talking cock with Ying Han and Melvin from last nite till this morning. Kinda fun. Then gymed a little. Watched abit of TV. Went out to shop for my army supplies. Went towning. Went Chinatowning. Walked here. Walked there. Its good to feel like a civilian every once in awhile. At least from there, you'll know how to reconnect to ur life as a civilian. It makes things easier as compared to seperating us from the rest of the society for months, or maybe years before letting us rejoin it. It'll take a lot of effort for us to do so. Y? Because soldiers are essentially unruly, uncivilised and we certainly do not mix well with civies. Y? Well, its because we are working our butts off to defend this country while the rest are just...well...taking it easy! Yeah, you can never be grateful about what you have until u go thru hardship in life. Being a soldier is one of those things that helps us to appreciate life better.

In Chinatown today, i saw a malay family. But that's not the point. The point was, their child was living quite a comfy life. His parents, well, they look like the kind that works hard. We all know that our mom had to endure a lot of pain while giving birth to us. I dont know about old moms but i bet(notice the words I BET! they might not be 100% true. its up to ur own judgement. this is mine=) ) that modern moms think that the pain that they have to bear during childbirth was the greatest pain they'll ever have as a mom. Little do they noe that the pain that god made them experience was to prepare them with the pangs of pain that having a child will bring them in the future as their children grow up. And the joy after childbirth. That's the same joy that they'll feel once their child is all grown up and that child will become a parent himself. Im pretty sure that the mom will feel a sense of relieve too as she thinks tat the bad part(child labour) is now over. Even though she may in the grave, that's what mothers exactly feel when their child passes away. Abit of grieve yes. But its more of a sense of relieve. Especially if her child had led a long and fulfilling life. Y? Well, its because she noes that her child ceased experiencing the pain that life brings about. The torture, the harassment, the terrible terrible someting. She is relieved coz her child does not have to suffer anymore. That's 3 different emotions.

The 3 emotions got me a little sidetracked. I once red this little poem about how we treat our moms. Kind of a sad truth actually. Well, the family at chinatown. They dont look like they're well to do at all. Yet, the child was really living a comfy life. Do u noe how much sacrifices his parents has to make in order for him to lead a comfy life? A whole bloody lot. Now, im not arrowing him as an irresponsible son of a gun. Im just using him as an example. By saying that he lives a comfy life is my way of saying that he looks kinda carefree. HOw does he do that? Well, his parents sacrificied a lot for him. I bet ur parents do the same. For example, the school starts asking for more money. What does ur parents do? Put in more overtime work in order to pay for the schools demands. Btw, if school starts asking for money, it really begins to show that the govt isnt giving the school enough money. Yet we pay the same amt of tax every year. What are they doing with the money??? I wonder.... Back to track. Ya. Overtime. They'll just get tired. Then out of a sudden, the school wants more money ASAP! If the boy does not hand over the money ASAP, he will be dealt as a disciplinary case. ya. WTF? What does the parent do? Yeap. Sacrifice. They will hand over whatever money they have left so that the child will not get into trouble in school. Meanwhile, the parents have to skip lunches and on top of that, they have to work overtime. So now, they are both tired and hungry. Yet, they never do complain. Everyday, they put up a strong front. EVen after working long hours with little to eat, they'll keep doing it just to put us thru school. Y? Becoz they want us to have a better life. Some of those children will realize it sooner or later and will not waste their parent's sacrifices. They work hard, get a good education and later on in life: a good job.

Then, there's the total opposite. Generally they are know as brats. I have another word for them. But its just to vulgar for me to spell it out. Just get the idea okay? So what am i trying to say here? Well, our parents have suffered enough. Period. It's time we repaid them of their generosity without question, just as they had done earlier. Willingly. No second thoughts.

I just dont know why everytime i look at a parent, i'll think about how much he or she had went thru to raise their child. I'll think about it. Think about the hardwork, the sacrifices, the everything. It just makes me sad and mellow. Makes me think more. Dont know y.

Well, tmr's mother's day. HAPPY MOTHERS DAY MOM! Yeah. Think i'll take the whole family out for early dinner or something b4 i get thrown into the prison known as tekong serving 2 years for commiting a crime known as National Service. It has to be done. Infact, im thinking of doing more than 2 years. Only time will tell.

You know what i miss the most about life before NS? School. Life as a student. I had fun. I studied. I fooled around. I played rugby. Life was carefree. I was happy....I miss my old life. Why do i hate to grow up so fast?

It really felt like going to war. Made me rethink about war altogether. What is war? Well, war is hell. That's basically about it. What's so hellish about it? A lot of things. One thing's for sure is that you do not get to keep in touch with your loved ones. The other thing is that its bloody tiring. And yeah, it can be frustrating at times. Im sure i swore and cursed the most in the platoon. Nobody seems to think so though. Oh wells. Urm what else? Oh yeah, in war, SOLDIERS STINKS ALOT! Rofl. Well, yeah. We do not get to shower....maybe except when we get pulled out from the front. And it'll last only for a few seconds. I dont even noe y they can even call it a shower. Horrible superiors. But yeahh. We're recruits. We have no say in anything. Even though i know what's going on. Guess what i get for voicing out? Yeah. More punishment. Guess its their way of telling me that me, whom of have no rank at all for the moment, is supposed to be really really stupid. Yeah. Grammatically incorrect statement there because im a recruit. Well, i suppose its for a purpose. We are supposed to be ever-learning. 3-G soldiers i suppose.


What worries me the most is that my ever-fading chance to make it to Officer Cadet School. Yeah. Its a very selfish thought. But god! I signed on! Yeah. Im hoping to get that Local Study Award. This is despite my poor results. Hehs. Nevertheless, i've already secured a place in NTU. Im going to do SOCIOLOGY!!! Yeah. I dont tink im going for the NUS FASS interview. Guess i'll have to study psychology the sneaky way. Hope it works. Oh maybe i could just take A maths! Maybe. I havent done any maths for the past 2 years save for the math section of my SAT. Yeah. I did kinda well for that section. I screwed up my verbal. Wasnt suprised that SMU rejected me. =). Oh wells, the future is still quite uncertain for me. Yeah. Part of me wants to do my family proud by becoming the first undergrad and hopefully a bachelor of something in the entire family(including all my relatives). Then there's another part of me that wants to fulfil my wishes b4 i die; tour the world as a soldier. Yeah. If i can get the LSA, i can fulfil both. The best part of it is that i will be financially sound with it. If not....yeah. That's when the dilemma starts. This sucks.


Well, at least i have bigger worries at the moment right now. Not making it into OCS at all! Yeah. That's the biggest worry of all. Worries of all worries. Y am i worried? So far, i havent excelled in any of the major events. My shooting was screwed up. While my night shooting was close to perfect, my day shooting stunk! I kept missing the target. It was sooooooooooo bright. And it was only 100m away. Yet i missed! I just had to miss. Even my Platoon Commander is amused that i can shoot best at night but am a bobo shooter in the morning. Everyone else was the total opposite. I just needed to do what i did b4 to get that perfect score and get company best shot award. I walked away with nothing. IPPT, dont really want to talk about it. Chin-up, Standing Broad Jump, Shuttle Run and Sit-ups are my favourites coz i can all 5 points for each of the stations. But when it comes down to my 2.4k run, i suck! I hate running. Even though im forced to do it, i still hate it. I sprint. I dont really keep running for more than 30secs. My best timing for my 200m was 23.8 secs. It's relatively slow, but that's just about how long i can run. Other than that, im just struggling thru. Yeah! But if u want me to run a leisure 10k run with ppl running with me and enjoying the view at the same time, i'll gladly do it under an hour. As they say, sibeisian. lol.

Next up is my Situational Test. I really really really have to perform here. I screwed up this morning's granade throwing. Instead of landing and rolling towards the target, my grenade landed and rolled back towards the pothole. Plus, i was really really clumsy. Dont know y. I need gym. I need food. I need rest. I need to be taught the proper way. I need to train some more. I need more practice. Give me that and hell yeah, i'll outperform anyone. ANYONE! Selfish words since im in the infantry at the moment. But yeah. OCS.....