Lately, the main thing that has filled my mind is rugby. When I talk, I'd talk about rugby. When I sleep, I'd sometimes dream about rugby. When I eat, I eat because I've got rugby later on. It's rugby, rugby, rugby. It seems like this passion is slowly turning into an obsession.

But then, with all that I've gone(and possibly still going through), it seems to be the only thing that's keeping me, well, sane. I honestly can think of how I can live without it. Right now, it's one of the thing that keeps me smiling. Well, that and gym. But then, me going to the gym is because of rugby. It's a really good feeling to hear people complementing about how I look, how I play nowadays. It seems countless hours at the gym seems to be paying off indeed.

The gym is like playground to me. It's the only place that I feel real comfortable- having no inhibitions about anything. I have no worries..because once I do start worrying about something, it's time for me to get out. Each day at the gym is me taking on new (controlled) challenges. The day I broke into lifting over the 100kg range, i was extremely proud of myself. That was when I was 17. 7 years later, I'm slowly going back to that state.

No. Im not so much of a narcissist so I'm not really intending of building muscles and looking good. Those are just by-products of my hard work. The real intention is to grow stronger, faster and better at practically anything. But being 17, I was naive enough(or perhaps, lazy would be a better word) to believe that lifting weights was all I needed. National service shocked me into running as I failed my first IPPT in NS due to my 2.4km run. Can you imagine?? My timing was 12.36!!! Even the scrawniest of guys could run way faster that I did. But like anything else, it could be trained. And so I did. I managed to shave off more than a minute off my timing in just a couple of weeks by just taking part of the program. A couple months later, I was able to clock a sub-50mins for a 10klick run. On top of that, I was the still the go to guy for lifting heavy stuff. A 32 klick march saw me running most of the time, leaving the rest of the platoon trailing behind-half of which laughed at me when I timed at 12.36. Ahhhh! It feels so great to prove everybody wrong. This has nothing to do with me having an ego(or a big one for that matter).

Everyone deserves to feel good about their selves. That said, that cannot happen all the time either. There is always a balance to be found in everything that we do. If we chiong for only one thing, we'll soon find other aspects of our lives slowly fading or trailing away. It's a yin-yang situation our everyday lives. Can't do without this, can't do without that either. But then, it sometimes stretches us- too much sometimes that we're way past our breaking point. Personally, reaching a breaking point is a horrible thing to reach. What more when you go way past it? It's like even after reaching rock bottom, you'd realize that you can still sink further.

But, like everyone, I learn from my mistakes. I'd try to make up for it if I can. But if I can't i'll try to do something else like rugby. No one will truly understand why I choose rugby and stick to it till now. My secondary school teammates have all dropped rugby since they left secondary school. Only a quarter of my JC mates are still playing rugby. But each time they ask me whether I'm still playing- they'd expect me to say yes. For them, me saying that I've already stopped would be a real shocker as though they expect rugby to be part of me forever. Maybe it will...

My parents didnt like the idea of me playing rugby. From day one, they have protested and even staged strikes by not going to every finals that I've ever played. The finals of 2001 really crushed my heart when my parents decided that it wasn't an important enough event. Yet, each and everyone of my brother's fights were important enough for my parents to even take time off from work to attend. My grandparents clearly HATED the fact that I played rugby. The only reason that they gave me is that it's a very dangerous sport. Well, which sport isnt?

I guess, nobody will ever agree with me playing rugby- other than my teammates that is. But then again, no team is permanent. And my teammates are ever changing. So how?

I have come to the conclusion that my subjective account of my motivation is largely mythical on almost all occasions. I don't know why I do things