With just a few days to go before I end this chapter of my life, I couldn't help but thing how different things would have been if I had signed that document. Many times, I have felt that I do not belong but I press on knowing it would certainly make my parents proud. My dad has been constantly asking when is the convocation ceremony. It seems likely that I am the only one in the entire family who would actually have a degree. Not out excuse but purely by merit. Sure there are many who will look down on what I have achieved but it is an achievement after all. I can only hope that my children will progress even further.
More often than not, I feel out of place. Gone is the face that used to scare many only to be replaced by a rounder one. I most certainly did not see this coming. My friends used to call me "garang" or "siao on". Towards the end, I even got promoted to just "siao". My subordinates would call me "the robot" for my lack of intimacy with them. But it certainly got things done.
I miss the smell of gun powder with a mixture of cigarette smoke smell at the end of each battle. The only "spoils of war" that anyone would only hunt for would be a shade to rest under as well as some water to quench their thirst. They were lucky that I do have the time to drink so much because they usually run out of water by then.
The constant sound of friendly machine gun fire was enough of a morale booster to push us on way beyond any human limits. Lately, I am more tired than anything. These past few weeks have been rough. Physically and mentally I am drained out. I am nothing but the shell of my former self. This is the person who used to be able to run 5km in under 20minutes. Once, I even clocked 15 minutes flat, a feat I have never been able to repeat especially after I am parachuted into the civilian world.
I have resigned to the fate that I will never be able to do any of that again especially after being rejected again and again. Those were the days where I would ace at everything I did. While many found themselves pushing hard just to make the bare minimum I was, for only that period, in my comfort zone.
Nothing could ever replace that. I tries to find another outlet ever since 2008. Rugby never quite proved to provide me with what I need. So I remain angry and restless. The only solace that I can find in this life is trying to be nice to others. But my kindness usually gets mistaken for my weakness. Time and again, I sometimes feel redundant of not a hazard in the life of others. Sometimes I wonder if the only changes I bring to others is for the worse. I do not belong here and prolly never will. I am sure there are others like me whose only intention is to bring comfort to the live of others because we have been through much worse.
I despise those who claimed to have served the nation even though they have never knew what its like to be donning green. Worst are those who ridicule us for what we did. We live in a society that does not appreciate its warriors. For those who have ridiculed many like me, you will never know the true meaning of valor and honor. The them, what they went through is a liability because they are a liability and hence they were denied from donning green. They have defiled the true meaning of serving one's nation.
We do not "play war in the jungles". The only reason why these boys in blue have a job is exactly because we "played war". They wouldn't have country to "keep safe" or to rescue others if it wasn't for us.
I am lost.
No comments:
Post a Comment