Bad Ear

Relationships-- of all kinds-- are like sand held in your hand. Held loosely, with an open hand, the sand remains where it is. The minute you close your hand and squeeze tightly to hold on, the sand trickles through your fingers. You may hold onto some of it, but most will be spilled. A relationship is like that. Held loosely, with respect and freedom for the other person, it is likely to remain intact. But hold too tightly, too possessively, and the relationship slips away and is lost. (Kaleel Jamison)

I ha vent the slightest clue who this dude is, but what he said is rather true. Actually, its akin to all quotes that I've read on relationships of all sorts. Its just too bad that I'm still bad at it no matter what i do. Oh well, guess God has other plans for me and its just that he doesn't want to reveal them to me just yet. Guess this is what he meant by saying, "the greatness of a man lies in patience within patient".

Well, the year is almost(keyword almost) coming to an end. But all it seems so far that its not quite a year that I've actually enjoyed. Well, its not really a good year for me i guess and yes, it does have something to do with relationships.

Firstly, I've lost my love of 3 years due to some unforeseen circumstances. Oh yes, I simply did not see that coming. Guess she is kinda happy with the nephew of Ali Baba. I don't know if what I'm doing to her is causing her the same misery that brought about the breakup. Then again, she could have felt miserable just by being with me for the past 3 years. Hmm...am I really the bringer of misery?

In addition to that, I've lost friends too. Either through contact or otherwise. I guess, things are not meant to be. Then again, I'm just being too fatalistic sometimes. I guess I'm really not meant to be here or rather be in the company of people.

Truthfully, I'm still trying to adjust back into being a civilian. The best method in doing so: getting caught up it in. It's really a form of denial. 2006-2008 were indeed the best years of my life. No doubt there were ups and downs. But all in all, I was doing things well enough to make me realize that perhaps, just perhaps, it was really what I was born to do. For the first time in my life, I felt I was in my comfort zone; no matter how tough things got. It was a shame that I did not get to go to Ranger School. That would have really pushed me to my limits. That would have really showed me how much battering I can take before my body fails and how much more it takes before my mind fails too. Guess that wasn't how my life was supposed to be like.

Well, I guess i have to quit reminiscing as I know as of now, it wouldn't do anyone any good. But yeah, life right now really has kinda reached it's low point. Suprisingly, I'm not the slightest bit depressed or anything about it. I guess it's the lack of people to whine to that is causing this. Hmm..I should really stop doing that-the whining, moaning and bitching about things. But this is different! Im just sharing my thoughts. Hehs.

Well, I really should stop making so much enemies around me. It seems that such a thing inevitably happens to me quite a lot. Perhaps, I am indeed better off on my own. The benefits that it yields seems to be sprouting out like molds on in a dark, damped place:
1) I wont hurt others.
2) I wont prevent people from happiness.
3) I wont get affected by things like those.
4) I would make things easier for others as a result.
5) I could better concentrate on the task at hand.
6) Others would be able to better concentrate of their tasks at hand.
7) I wouldnt care less about what I do affecting other people.
8) People wouldnt have to care less if whatever i do would deeply affect them.
9) To not know something is to not fear something. To not fear it is not being able to be hurt by it.
10) People couldnt care less whatever i say.
11) i cant think of anythig more at the moment.

That list made me sound extremely selfish. Again, it's not meant to be and never will be. I guess what Im saying is that I should probably step aside from things to actually prevent them from happening.

Right now, Morrocco sounds really tempting. I dont know why i have a fetish with Morocco so much. It does seem like an interesting place to be at. But since its too far away from where my family is, I doubt I will ever want to live there while my parents are still alive. Plus, its near to where the world's poor are at. Maybe, just maybe, i can do some good there.

This is not a suicide note