i feel restless. i feel weird. i feel strange. something's missing. miss myself perhaps? i dont know. right now, im just writing rubbish. rubbish rubbish rubbish! what im writing is as mixed up as what im feeling right now.

its a nice weather. but i feel restless. something's not right. something feels like its not right. words cannot describe what im feeling. really. because if it did, i wouldnt be blabbering like this.

what's wrong with me? really....this sucks. maybe im just tired. dont know why im tired. dont know what got me tired. i need to find my center. samurai maxims are not working for me at all. i think im fat.

lots of gun fire going on. wish i was part of that fire fight right now. wish everything was back in 2007. no, 2006. wish it was the 8th of april 2006 all over again. i missed those days. i really do. days with no worries. days with people i was so comfortable with that i can call them brothers. 080406-060208...please come back to me. please.....i missed everything of that time period. everything! even the times that were tough. for ultimately, i know that no matter how tough things got, it will always end somehow. then, everything will be alright in the end because if its nt alright, it is not the end really applied. i could really use it.

i miss rushing to wait, waiting to rush. i miss spending the entire nite cleaning the rifle so that it would not fail me when i need it the most. i miss c32! i forgot it's serial number alr. this is bad. this is really really bad. i miss the nights with my men...my friends really. no...my brothers. i miss flying all over the world. i hate my life right now. i wish thhey would reply me soon.

things are so screwed up right now. but i shall not give up. right now, even i am not convinced when i tell others that i've been through worse. im not in my comfort zone right now. im becoming fat and unfit. i hate this. i do not want to age. aging means illness. illness means death.

everything is soooooooooooooooooooooooo FUBAR right now. everything........