Today only reaffirmed how shitty things are actually for me. 2011, an odd year, is supposed to be a good one for me. I know it all sounds nonsesical with all my warped up logic but it can be emprically proven.
In 2001, my school actually won the Novice championship. Ok...so it's just the novice championship but nevertheless, for a bunch of guys who have only picked up rugby only the year before and got our asses whooped into super smooth smoothies in 2000, I dare say that we did a pretty decent job. Besides being the ones to dish out the ass-whooping this time around, I was also the top scorer for the team...maybe even for the whole tournament. In the first game of the tournament alone, I scored a total of 32 points in a game where we trashed the opponent 99-0. They closed down the rugby team soon after the tournament ended. 32 points which included 5 tries and 3 conversions. Besides that, I was scoring an average of 2 tries for each game throughout that season. To add on to all that, I even passed all my subjects (the ones that I really care about anyway) without even studying for any of it.
2003 was another year where I managed to do my O levels without studying a single bit. Well, I tried to but till now, my revision for Biology has proved futile as I have managed to cover a grand total of 1 chapter before sitting for the paper itself. To top that, I even managed to complete a game throughout the entire examination period. 2005 was another instance where I managed to pull through without studying too much for it. I was still enjoying my rugby with my club all the way till the weekend just before my first A level paper. And the only reason I stopped was also because it was already the fasting month and I hate waiting for time to break fast after 2 full of hours of ass-whooping/ass-whooped.
Training just now reminded me how I have actually been relegated to nothingness. All those years of hard work gone down the drain in an instance. It literally did. The day before the injury, I was doing 120kg deadlifts as well as 40kg high-pulls. And I do not take the weight of the bar into consideration unlike most pansies who claimed that the weight of the bar matters.
As I was sidelined, I wondered about how different things might have been if it wasn't for the damn injury. This shit is permanent. I am not as fast as I used to be neither am I so quick and domineering on the field as I used to be. For those who might know me well enough, rugby is the thing that matters to me the most. It is the only love of my life that has not failed me...until now. Slowly I am working my way in. Sadly, I am once again the underdog. Then again, it is the underdogs that hungers the most for a fight. That's why going to the gym with the boys is really frustrating as they only know how to complain about how crazy I am with the exercises. I guess, nobody else wants it as much as I do.
Nobody can really understand why it is so hard for me to trust others. After all, to trust is to be vulnerable as well because in order for you to trust, you have to be open as well. But wouldn't it really suck for you to think that you are able to trust someone so much but then once you are all comfy and settled it, you get the rug pulled from underneath you. It is the instance that you are airborne from that sudden force that makes you think why should you really trust anyone anymore. Like the world's greatest band once said, "to trust you must confess". Sadly, it doesn't always work in your favor.
Fuck, nothing has ever worked in my favor before. NOTHING. As far as I am concerned, it has always been the case of ifyouwantitcomeandgetit. True that having enough drive to do something helps but we all do get tired of being the driver sometimes- that's why we take the cab, that's why sometimes, I'd rather become the passenger. But then, we can never truly relax as a passenger if there is no trust in the driver. And that trust goes both ways.
Lately, I can't help but to feel that whatever happened since 2009 is going to happen again. This fuckign sucks because it really took me a very long time to get over it all. True it might seem much to many others. Then again, many others probably do not really give a damn about it all since they have their own shit to settle. After all, whether your a student or a worker, you still have your own problems to worry about- just that shit comes in varying forms.
fuck this shit
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